ilikejoaquin’s BURN BLOG PART ONE

A few days ago I had decided to make a list at work (my mind wanders as you are about to read) of the guys that did me right, fucked me over, and those guys that just are DOUCHE BAGS. So who made the cut? ha. I guess this was my bit of therapy at work while dealing with the constant question of why the fuck am I still single? Well here goes.

THE WORST: I think out of all the guys that I experienced, the one who hurt me the most was Teekz. FUCK that bitch. lol, I can laugh about it now and if I ever did see him again I wouldn’t think much of it. However, when I look back at 2 years go, its like DAMNNNN you was a bitchh and a fucking liar who manipulated me into thinking he was “STRAIGHT” and he was “SINGLE” which both were complete lies. I never got burned this hard ever and even after that did I ever experience the worst when I was with this dude. There was something about him…a swagger I couldn’t pin point, but it made me want to go out of my way to just be there. My friends thought he wasn’t that great to begin with and well … I never listen right lol. So when I did tell one of my friends about him, they told me that we had a mutual friend who was actually dating him…for like almost a year. I was kind of shocked, but I still went through with it. Long story short…I we hung out one night and I dropped him off…We actually never kissed surprisingly…but a lot of heated tension was there and flirting. Anyway, I dropped him off to find that his current bf was there waiting for him…and it was raining LMAO HAHAH holy crap it was like a scene from a movie. THE BOYFRIEND who waited until his boo came home so he could smash the trick he was with…and that trick happened to be me. lol But all said and done…Teekz did all he could to prove that he was innocent…he apologized…I still wanted to be his friend…blah blah…HOT MESS! haha goes to show that trust issues can be broken by only one person…and after that…all the relationships you get with are based on that person and moment…Its true for me…can’t help it right? I MEAN BITCH REALLY LIED lol haha…shrugs the past is the past…but he was definitely the WORST!

THE CRUSH A LOT: Ben was one of the first guys I met not on the internet. I was excited because he was cute…I only knew he was gay because his cousin told me he was. After that…I tried to get to know him…something in the middle got complicated and we never got together…not even talked. He was cute…we’d text each other randomly and well I was confused at times with him. He was the type that liked attention given to him, but never reciprocating any of it to me. I guess I was just a fool. This was my sophomore year (sigh things were so much nicer back then lol). Flash back a year later…we ended up drunk at his place and I kissed him…AFTER all that not doing stuff with him…that kiss definitely ruined it for me and him. I was like, “WTF? THIS IS WHAT I WANTED?” lol nah but its one of those things where it just didn’t click after the kiss…I was like ugh this is lame…and left lol haha.

Then there was Ryan. OHHHH fuckking Ryan. When I was with my boyfriend my freshman year, all I could think of is how I wanted him instead LMAO HAHA was that bad? But then again he was the guy that was supppper adorable and supppper cute. He had that face, he had swagger, and he said and did things that would make you want to be with him. After a few months or so…we did try to get with each other…or at least I did…but he ended things with me telling me he was focused on school and everything else…I was bummed out…NEXT THING YOU KNOW a few weeks later a mutual person we know IMs me saying that he knew I liked Ryan and there was something between us. I was like yeah there was whats it to you. He goes, well a few weeks ago…I fucked him. GASP *JAW DROPS* the same week he decided to not talk and text me. I was like WTFFFFFFF. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I was so mad because I thought we were doing great…but turns out he was just trying to give it up to this bitch. LOL…Funny thing is I haven’t talked or spoken to him in years…until he texted me two days ago asking how I knew a roommate of mine…I was like WHATEVER lol…I was sprung on him…unfortunately he never felt the same.

BOY this is getting juicy. lol There was Jimmy. THE CUTEST UNDERAGED BITCH I knew LMAO HAHAHAHAHA. At the time I thought he was at least 18…or 17…LOL when we first met…he told me he was 16 turning 17. LOL I was like wtffffff LMAO haha I was like 21 I think. Anyway, I called him my Jimmy Nutron lol…WHY? I dunno. Anyway, he and I were trying to work it out…but I so turned off because he always had to rub in his SMARTness to me. How he has a 4.0 or whatever. Which was great, but damn do you need to rub it in. He also was trying to beat me up cause he does martial arts and shit. I was like damn…He was super hot though. I was like DAMNNN foreal, but just connection wise…I was a lot older and he was just in hs…I was like how the fuck does this work? I had to drop him and when I did he goes, “OH thats fine I know someone else whos smarter, my age, has a job, and drives…so see ya.” I’m like WTF? LOL I laughed it off…a few years later I guess we met up again trying to rekindle whatever it was…but there was nothing…just sexual tension lol.

Then theres Andy. Oh Andy. When I first saw him I thought he was sooooo adorable. Looks can be deceiving. He messaged me first (he was always the one messaging me first). At the time he was with this bf and I thought it was weird how he would always text me to go to a club or go meet him somewhere and I’m like so how does your bf feel about this and he goes he’s jealous. I was like alright. haha I never met him until 2 months later after he tells me that hes actually broken up with his bf. I’m like this bitch. I was hesitant, but I did it anyway. When I met him…I tried my hardest not to smile or think he was cute. BUT this fool was hitting all the right places with spitting game and everything. He was telling me he was over his ex and all that stuff (which in my head I knew was bs). He was also just saying how he wanted to go on a date with me and all that stuff…I dunno things moved fast, but I just felt like alright sure…I’ll take the risk. Long story short…he tells me one day he wasn’t over his ex after all and drops me. Now…he just wants to be FRIENDS and stresses the FRIENDS part…He’s a total douche…reminds me of Teekz because he did exactly the same thing to me that Teekz did…LIE. He also has a good way of making himself look and sound like the victim or the right person…Its fine…I think at this point this is my goodbye to this bitch. I can’t laugh at it yet cause its still fresh. I’m definitely over him. He’s the 2nd worst.

Now…those were just the beginning…those were the good and bad, but the following were the ROUGHEST and craziest relationships I’ve been in.

THE STRESS: I knew Kit for a while, but I remember him telling me he tried to hollah at me to go to some bus and I ignored him. Well shit…wtf was I supposed to do lol. He had this accent which I thought was so cute. I remember the first time I met him, I went out of my way to go to the Castro to meet him. He was still getting over his ex…ugh. I noticed that, I get with folks who are just out of a relationship…and a bad one for that matter. Anyway, at the end of the night I remember him saying to his friend, “Awww I like this one.” AWW it still makes me smile because its so simple but it means a lot you know. Anyway fast forward…I was always at his place more than mine…I disappeared and I dunno how I did it cause didn’t I have school? LOL I felt like I didn’t have school. it was funny…Oh cause I was on break…FUCK well it was nice because I felt comfortable being there with him, but then at the same time I felt like fuckkk I don’t have room to miss him…We were dating for almost three months already and its like fuckk when are we gonna be official. The bad thing about this was I always had to prove myself to him. I had to prove to him that I wasn’t like this or that. I was doing this because I loved him blah blah. I did stuff for him that I never did for people. I gave up myself to make him happy. It was then that I realized fuck…I can’t do this. We even took a socal trip with my friends with him…and that just proved shit if you can’t hang with me in a trip…then how can I hang with being with you? I broke it off…and he then was like wait…no…he wanted me back…he was begging and he told me that he doesn’t beg…I guess I was just fed up with all the bs that I went through with him, all the fights that weren’t necessary, all the yelling, all the uncertainty afterwards. I was like I can’t do this…I just wanted a break…but it ended up being a total break. He got me nervous to the point where I cried to him cause I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t stop. He looked at me and was like “WTF why you crying.” It just felt cold…and after 3 months of just being together…thats you get? He was the closest I had to a REAL BF relationship…it just went so wrong in so many areas…I thought about him a few days ago…just wondering maybe I gave up to fast? =/ Nah…I had to let it go…I wonder if he learned anything from us…

Soon after…I met this guy named Jhordan…BOY oh boy…it started off as just friends, then business, then mixing friends with business…I’m just like wtf. Everything I said was twisted and again I felt like I had to prove myself. This guy was a grown ass man, but I felt more mature than he was. He wasn’t even out. When folks introduce me to their families or friends…I feel more connected…and thats what happened…I was connected with him…however, he always got mad at me for the simple things, bring up the past, push my buttons. He even threatened to key my car one time…I broke it off cause we were business partners that turned relationship status…I liked him…I did stuff for him, but I just felt like I was pushing it and he was definitely pushing my buttons. At the time I was dealing with a lot of depression in my life and it seemed that was my scape goat…but I felt like if I didn’t get out of that relationship…I woulda killed myself. We didn’t even last two months into getting to know each other…it was too crazy begin with. STRESS STRESS…he was probably the third worst…ugh…

I learned a lot from both of these relationships though and I don’t hate them at all, I hated the situation that we were in. THERES A BIG DIFFERENCE.

Well this is getting too long and I think I vented enough…next topic will be the guys who were good, but didn’t work out because they were douche bags…but they were still sweet. lol Also, those I hurt and why…Until next time!

iljb#76: Its harder than it looks.

I guess the day after hurts more than the actual moment. Today was a bit rough – slow start – but nevertheless rough. I couldn’t help but think that I was told, “…for right now, its better that we’re just friends.” I guess…I’m still confused about what that means because the past few months that we did talk…we were friends first – the attraction and affection came second…so I’m not sure what to feel or how to act right now…These confessions of mine are often buried and are often unknown to many, but I’m letting it out right now…because it hurts to much to be kept inside. Its harder than it looks…but I’ll manage…I always do.

It started off with me driving to Emeryville to meet him. I was so excited cause I haven’t seen him for over a month. It was so exciting because I finally was going to see him (I joked around about not being able to remember how he looked like). As I was driving I thought about the first thing that I would do. I would get out of my car, see him, hug and spin him as I say I missed you so much…When I parked…I saw him, I hugged him…but I guess I didn’t get the same in return when I come to think of it. His arms were to his side as I wrapped mine around them…I thought to myself…damn…this is what I get after not seeing you for over a month…I guess – and I figured…after knowing each other for a quite some time now, his PDA worries would have died…I mean…when I’m with him – the world suddenly stops and its just me and him…its been like that since I started to talk to him.

We walked like “friends” into the Public Market trying to find what to eat…I didn’t want to it, but I guess I gave in…we sat down…and I was so flustered for some reason…I didn’t know where my head was at…I guess I was just overwhelmed with him being in front of me…hes so beautiful…his smile…I guess he caught me spacing off and was like, “wtf?”, but I apologized and said I had so much to say that I forgot all of em…he nodded his head like usually.

Before we headed to the movies, we started to make out…It felt so good, but I felt like something was holding him back…I guess it felt like he didn’t want to do it, but I just figured that was just him being him…but we ended up just messing around and for that moment I felt so good that we were together…we were spending time with one another…I just missed his body next to mine. After…I was smiling as I said, “Damn that was hot.” I was so excited cause it was exciting. He on the other hand acted like he did something very bad and was ashamed about it…I asked him what was wrong, but he just replied that he was just tired…He said that the last time something like this happened because something was bothering him…I should have taken note of that…But I genuinely thought he was tired…so we just went on our way. I paid for his movie ticket…he didn’t seem to have any hesitation in letting me, I guess I wanted to buy it for him – even though I should have made him pay…I’m really broke…but I figured – I don’t put limits into the dude I’m talking to…if anything I’ll find ways to make it work no matter what. I’m just thankful he said thank you…last time I paid…he didn’t even say thank you.

We sat down and I started to hold his hand…but I felt like he was being distant…I dunno…I thought that was just him, but…I thought since we hadn’t seen each other he’d be more affectionate…more loving? But he was distant…leaning on the other side of the seat rather than closer to me…even holding his hand seemed like a task…but I guess I let it slide cause I didn’t want to push it…I guess thats just him I told myself…We watched Princess and the Frog and it was a really cute movie…I kept on thinking about him throughout the movie…telling myself…he’s my prince…and I’m so happy that I’m next to him…

The movie ended and we started to walk back to the car. We were conversing about how good the movie was and all that. I wanted to tell him that he was my Evangeline but something inside me told me not to say it…so I didn’t. He told me he needed coffee so we went and got coffee. We roamed around Boarders after awhile…he hit the kids section and he was telling me about how he wants to get a new book for his kids (he takes care of kids). I said why not make your own book and share with your kids what you made. He paused and smiled saying he’d like that. He was telling about this stuff animal that he found and it was a character from Dinsey – similar to Dora – and I was looking at the price thinking in my head that I’ll get it for him since he was so thrilled about it…but I kept that in the back of my head…Christmas is coming up soon right?

So we ended up in the car and he started off with a strange statement, “So how was your day?” and I was like…wtf? Then he followed it with, “So what are you doing.” and I knew then that something was up…I asked him if he had something on his mind…and he said he did. To be honest…my heart was racing because I was excited and scared…is he going to ask me out? He eased the conversation by saying, “So I’ve been thinking…like what are we doing…what are we…where are we going with this…?” My excitement soon turned into disbelief…is he breaking up with me? (too bad we were never together and we’ve only been talking for 3 months as “friends”) He then explained how he feels like since he broke up with his ex a few months back that he’s never felt single…or experienced being single. He was saying that he just hasn’t had that independence.

I couldn’t look at him while he talked to me because my body was shaking inside from the disbelief of hearing what was coming out of his mouth…He was telling me that he likes me a lot and he doesn’t wanna lose me, but at the same time he wants his independence and this chance to work on himself. WORK on himself? I just was in shock…I didn’t know how to react…I was quiet for the most part…He replied…”Please say something…” Well…what the hell do you say after 3+ months of talking and you spring this shit up…Me and him have never gotten into an argument and we’ve been a good couple – something I really cherished…so him saying this is like an unexpected earthquake…shocking…He got emotional telling me that I’m different…I listen to him and I make him feel like he has something to say…He was telling me his ex’s, family, and best friend don’t even do that…It was at this moment that I extended my hand to him…I was trying to not cry and get emotional…I guess be strong for the both of us…

I guess what got to me is the fact that…we mess around earlier…and he nodded saying yeah…he didn’t want to do that…but it just happened…he couldn’t help it…he missed me…He also explained that he wanted to just be distant, but it was hard…He also admitted that when we was rude or being mean to me throughout the time…it was because of his frustration of what he was feeling about our relationship. He didn’t want to drag it any longer…and said that he wanted to meet up tonight to tell me. He wanted to meet me at my apt and hang out instead of Emeryville…but he knew that was a bad idea. He continued saying that he knows he could do better…in treating me right, but its like he doesn’t have his shit together…I guess? I dunno I’m still confused about that…

He said that he just wants us to just be friends…but its like we were friends minus me saying I miss you…so thats what I wasn’t totally upset…he didn’t show affection that much in the relationship…but I thought of that as something we could work on together in the process…he said he knows guys want me and he feels like he shouldn’t be the reason that I shouldn’t pursue them…but its like…I don’t want them…I want you…I’ve wanted you ever since I met you…You’re more than I could ever ask for…it just doesn’t make sense…I don’t want to get to know folks…he was telling me that he doesn’t want me to wait…but its like shit I’ll wait to get your shit together because I know WE work well…He continued saying…I still want to spend new years with you and go to that basketball game with you if you’ll let me…but in my head I’m just like wtf…ugh…its not the same…But at the time I said of course I’d like that…

I reassured him that I’ll wait and agreed if something does happen in our lives…we’d let each other know (if someone else interest us)…but now when I think of it…this situation seems so cliche…its sad…it breaks my heart…couldn’t have have waited AFTER finals was over…Lena said, “guys like that don’t care about shit like that.” I agreed…cause I was like that guy too…this situation reminded me so much of how one year ago I ended it with this guy I was with…for 3 months…WOW…I’m just realizing it…sigh…this was the same place that I actually ended it with that dude one year ago…wow….

I’m slowly realizing this…ha…full circle…the irony…I dump one…and a year later I am the one that gets dumped…

He said to sum it up that we are going to be friends…but friends that like each other…

….

WTF….

I don’t get it because now its making me think that the reasons why…aren’t matching up…I did more that everything for him…been there for him…I did nothing wrong but show him what a true man is capable of being to him…I dunno now…I’m actually hurt…

Tonight he called and I ignored it…it was so hard…but I had to…if he wants to grow…he has to grow without me being there…it just makes sense right? Thats exactly what he wanted and stated…

I’m so lost…I’m feeling like shit…this sucks…but on the other hand I said to myself…things could be worse…

I give my all…genuinely give my all, but it never amounts to the fairy tale ending I want…

Its harder than it looks…

I need your advice on this situation…

How do I be a friend that he likes and give him the space and independence he needs? I like him a lot…I’ve put so much into this…Why did this happen? Is this my own karma? Like that Glee episode…You can’t always get what you want….

SIGH…maybe thats it…I can start my year off right…without someone by my side…cause I’ve made it through a tough year…and I can begin a new one alone….

THIS IS HARD….

ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE….

FUCK….

If I meant so much to him…why do I feel so unappreciated? =/ I guess I shouldn’t wait like I said I would…you let me go…and I guess thats a choice you’ll have to work out…

iljb#54: I’m trippin…its koo…

I’m not a party animal, I am not someone you should be afraid of, I am gay, I am someone who works hard, I am a lot of insecure (yes that is exactly what I meant), I like history, I know I’m not perfect, I love hard, I get depressed sometimes for no reason…

I’m trippin…I have found myself slightly depressed today…I don’t understand why it decided to come today. Man…I’m just sad…I’m feeling sad. I have so many insecurities that are getting the best of me right now and to be honest, this is the last thing I need to feel right now…I feel really dumb right now. I already cried in the car after work, I already tried to avoid how I felt when I hung out with Lena, and now I’m here blogging my heart out on this wordpress at 1:17am…I have work yet again today…I’m looking forward to it, but at the same time I’m not.

I am worth something right Joaquin? Yeah you are! Then why do I feel like shit. You’re mind is wandering…WHY!? You just need to get some rest. Why!? You have too much on your mind…I just want to cry…go ahead and cry then. But I’m too tried to cry…tomorrow will be a better day…You think so? Yeah, by tomorrow, you’ll forget about today…I need to do hw…yeah you do, don’t trip, you’ll have time to do it…promise? Yes, I promise…sigh I don’t know if I can do this anymore…Do what? Be this strong…you’ve done it for the past months now…why stop…I know, but I’m expected to be…no one expects you to be anything…I do…well this is a battle that needs to be resolved…but not tonight…SIGH…you’re sad? YES…take some rest, you’ll wake up feeling a lot better…Yeah? …I’m gonna cry myself to sleep…man don’t be so dramatic…yeah I know…But to be honest I am holding back my tears…if they do come out…let them…you’ve been keeping something in for the longest time…you’re insecurities…you’re right…sigh…my chest feels heavy…you’ll be fine…I promise.

iljb#52: Language Should Never Be An Excuse

Working for XpresSpa has truly opened my eyes about differences, especially with language. As much as I sometimes don’t understand certain people at work, I still can get by with the little things they say. Doesn’t mean they’re stupid, doesn’t mean they don’t know, just means that they’re working harder than you are to explain themselves. If we look at it in the bigger picture, both are just trying their best to get whatever they need to across.

I feel so guilty, especially after my coworker helped me a lot tonight. My first impression about Selena was that she was rude or stuck up from my other coworker Pei. She told me that she doesn’t like Selena cause she gets all the commission. I’ve also heard from folks that Selena is always doing way too much. I caught myself tonight falling into their “gossip” about Selena. It wasn’t until tonight that I found out who the REAL Selena is…she is so much like me.

She kept on reiterating, “Just do your best.” I admired her so much tonight for the fact that she was proving her point, “doing her best”. She also forewarned me that DRAMA is not her thing, if folks want to put her name in their mouths, they’re gonna have to deal with her and only her personally. Even though she speaks broken english, I totally got what she meant. She is a hard working, after all, she has been working there for two years, she knows wassup. I feel bad because I had a totally wrong impression of her. She knows when to play and when to work. She taught me way better than Pei did last week. Thank God, cause now I feel more confident about the job and closing. Selena does her job well and I feel bad that I let language and “other people” help me judge her before I even got to know her.

I ended up thanking her and I kept on reminding myself that this is what I would want future employees to hear, the real story. I am also realizing that I am 23 and the rest of em are either 19-20 or older. I know wassup too…I just need to get used to the job.

I like this job, I really do. I’m happy here =].

I must say, even though today was hard…waking up at 6 and closing and arriving home at 12…its all worth it. I can do it. Even though I’m tired as hell…I know I got this. God has me on this one. Even though I got sick this past week, I know God got me.

He’s blessed me with school, family, 2 jobs, friends, and a wonderful companion that I am falling for real hard. =] I am truly lucky and grateful to be where I am right now. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I am realizing small things, little things, create the bigger, and better picture of life.

On a side note, I need to keep reminding myself, my self worth. How wonderful and talented I am. I am amazing because God has blessed me so much. ❤

I am blessed…

PS. I love my picture for this blog…does not even relate LOL haha lighten up, life isn’t always so serious =].

iljb#48: …and its a good one.

I begin to relax and I let my mind settle for a min and let myself breathe. I breathe because I am alive, I breathe because I can, I breathe because it is just exactly what I need to do right now. And no, its not that kind of “I’m stressed out” kind of breathing exercise, but rather that breath that we all take for granted…and yes its a good one.

I completely have been overloaded with responsibilities, school work, work, and the ever changing lifestyle I commit to. Its exciting, yet so tiring at the same time. I remind myself that I can handle it because I know I can. I just got to make sure everything is on point and that I ain’t slacking. This Monday, I am making sure I am taking care of business, so that tomorrow I can just recover and tie up any loose ends…ya feel me?

I feel good about life right now. I know that even though recently this past week, I’ve had major bumps in the road, that the over all picture is still in tact and I ain’t trippin. I live life the way I want it to be, not the way I fear it to be. So before I get on with life today, I thought it would be nice to reflect on the wonderful day I had yesterday.

I had a wonderful time with a guy that I had never met before until yesterday. I was excited, scared, but over all over joyed that yesterday happened. How did all this begin? Well…with a simple text from me saying, “Oh I forgot you were on my phone list…hello”. He replied, “Oh so what are you doing tonight?” and I continued on texting, “Hanging out with you remember!” haha. I tried to be cute…and well it worked, he then went on saying, “How about Sunday?” A play date as he put it. Ever since that day, which was about a week ago, we’ve been texting each other every day just about our day and what not.

Now I went into this with no intention of getting with him or messing around. It was an honest “play date” and I really wanted to meet him. Since the bridge was in construction, he still took bart to see me. I find that really sweet =]. So before I picked him up, I light weight got nervous…I couldn’t believe I was meeting HIM. haha I mean he seems pretty popular on DL or whatever, but shrugs, thats my bad for even going there. I pulled up…and there he was. The first thing I catch is his beautiful smile and a wave saying hi. I tried to act cool, but inside I knew I was dying because he was definitely cute like his picture.

We drove down 19th and we were caught in traffic. I was irritate with the fact that there was traffic on a Sunday, but it gave room to get to know HIM. He told me later on that he was nervous and shaking, but I couldn’t tell really because I too was nervous and avoiding eye contact. However, when I did catch a glimpse of him, I couldn’t help but melt a little. haha. Again, no intention of doing stuff with him…just a simple hang out that I had in store.

We finally got to Kitaro sushi and luckily he’s never been there. He actually hasn’t been around SF he explained, which got me excited because I knew the spots I was taking him would be appreciated. I learned a lot about him and how hes not out yet…well to his family. I found it so interesting how 2-3 years ago he was straight…then became gay. haha he is that type of person that can be both and you wouldn’t expect it. He ate pretty fast while I just ate my udon, which by the way was bleh. I had to pee and while I was in the bathroom Celine Dion was working a song. I stayed in the bathroom for a little longer because I was getting it! haha.

We then went to our next destination. I jokingly asked him where we should go next and he replied with a shrug and said it was my job to plan it. I then said, “Where is the folder you said you’d bring.” haha. It was cute. I finally reviled to him that we were headed to Japantown. He exclaimed a big YAY afterwards. haha. Luckily he had been to Japantown before, he ended up giving me a guide of Japantown like I’ve never had before. I was then the giddy one. We walked into a lot of cute shops, I was stoked because I love Japanese novelty and what not. So cute! We then stopped at this car/automatic store where I decided to buy a car freshener (which by the way smells so good right now in my car lol). I was pleased with the buy. We then headed up to go get a crepe at Sophie’s Crepe. I had never ever had a crepe until yesterday…and inside I was giddy because I was able to enjoy the experience with him. I got a crepe chocolate with banana and some ice creme. YUM. I wish I had taken a picture of it =p boo. Like he did at Kitaro, he gulped the crepe right down, while I was still trying to figure out how to maneuver around it.

After we got done, we decided to drink sake. haha it wouldn’t have been a complete Japantown trip now would it? So we sat down at this quaint lil restaurant and drank. I got to learn more about him as the sake moment progressed. 21 questions and then some was the game. I found it cute that we both ended up being buzzed. haha. We walked out kind of dizzy…at least I was…and I couldn’t help but smile and think…damn he’s so cute! HAHA luckily I wasn’t an ass and blurted out, “HEY YOU’RE SO FRIGGIN HOT!” hahahahahha. That would have killed our kick it. haha. We headed down to a bookstore to just check out what they had, then found ourselves in the anime section. I separated from him and found myself looking at the Magna Carta book…I was so amazed because I love Magna Carta! Ahh the women in there are so hot. I want to draw like that one day. Soon after, he joined me for a lil bit and we exited to head to PikaPika.

By this time, I wasn’t too buzzed anymore, just excited about PikaPika. Its so crazy what Japanese people think of when it comes to photobooths haha. I loved it. My first time PikaPika’in. At first, it was a lil awkward cause I felt like it was a “couple thing” to do, but I got over it and went with it. I’m looking at the pictures right now and it is definitely ADORABLE. =] He has the best face LOL AHHHHH =].

After getting that over and done with, we got into the car and headed to our last destination. I couldn’t help but smile at him a lot cause he was definitely making it a great kick it. So we got there and the sun was setting. It was cute. We walked down this area near the Cliff House. When we got there it was breath taking the ocean, the view, everything was perfect. I told him that once we stopped he needed to ask me questions. haha

We ended up at this rock/muscle rock area thing. And stood as the waves crashed on the rocks and foamed the sand. Thats when I reminded him to ask questions. It started off with silly questions, then got to, “What’s your favorite part of the day.” and I replied…right now…he then nodded and agreed. Then…we’d catch each other smiling at each other and what not…continuing to ask questions. I then had the nerve to finally ask, “Can I get a hug.” cause I really wanted one. He then said yea. It was so romantic…the beach, the view, the gust of wind lol. He then surprised me with, “Can I get a kiss.” AHHHHHHH LMAO o – m – g. I didn’t even expect it to go there. FUCKKKK LMAO haha I then kissed him and I completely melted like a glacier! LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH he has the softest LIPS in the WORLD! I was like that is not a lip…that is like a babies butt LMAO it was sooo ahhh yum. I then asked, “Can I get another.” AHHHHHH it was so cute! I had never felt so good about a ending kick it turned date in my whole entire life. It was totally movie status. AHHHHH. He then asked, “What are you doing next weekend…can I see you again?” AHHHHHHHHHHHH that just did it for me. FUCK! haha. I felt like I had won a million bucks…I couldn’t help but smile.

The then “Kick it” had now turned into a date unexpectedly. It slowly dawned on us that it was getting colder and darker…so we headed back. Along the way, we’d stop and continue kissing each other. =] IT WAS CUTE! The hike however back was not crackin! OH hell to the mother fucking no. lol. I felt like an old man…literally…and it didn’t help I was walking next to Mr. FIT haha.

When we got to the car…I confessed to him that the reason why I texted him that one time is because I wanted to get to know him more…he replied with, “I’m glad you did.” It just felt good. It felt nice. And for a day…I felt like nothing else existed. He also mentioned he’s never had someone kiss his hand before like I did. I found that elementary to do…but I guess it made me feel good that I was the first to do it to him =]

The night ended with a lot of kissing and just the feel good memories we shared that day. I dropped him off and drove away hella cheesing. I slept real easy last night…aside from being tired lol.

It was sweet and amazing. =] For what it was…and whatever it might be…I’m grateful for the experience.

I did mention in earlier blogs that its good to be single…however, when you least expect it…moments like these occur. =] …and its a good one! =]

iljb#47: Rushing…

I feel like today was rushed to get to where I am today. I had work, did laundry, organized my life in between, and now awaiting my family to come and swoop me for dinner. I didn’t even eat all day because I’m waiting for dinner. (So bad). In any case, this rush is good. I feel this urge to make my first weeks the jump off of my whole year. It has just begun and I am already busy! I can’t hardly breathe haha. I’ve also been excited to do my hw – which is a first because I never ever feel excited to do hw. I just haven’t gotten a chance to peep at it because I have been lagging 2-4 hrs behind on schedule. But I’ll get there folks…it just takes time HA how ironic right?

I feel good today because I was able to pay off my best buy debt. Something I’ve been meaning to do for the last 2 years. I can’t believe it. I am stoked. I paid for it. Now I just hope my credit will be fine so I can actually get a REAL credit card. shoot. haha in addition, I was able to go to the dentist. =] Now all I need to do is get contacts and sign up for GRE. I am way more than enough money to handle myself this semester. I feel good because for the first time in awhile, I feel stable. I think its in part to the secret. DAMN secret really does work. =] I am grateful every day I wake up.

First thing I do when I wake up is acknowledge what I am grateful for and just thank everything for happening. I really do think this is why I have been so lucky these past weeks. I am so grateful for everything. Life, school, friends, family, my future ahead! I have been given this chance to make it big and I know I will be able to achieve anything if I just put my mind to it. IT is going to be a busy semester, but I know I am able to handle my own.

I work so damn hard to get where I am right now. It feels good to be where I am right now because with all the bad experiences I’ve had in the past year, all seem to be nothing but dust off my shoulder. I can lift my head up high and know that taking a risk, doing my best, and giving it my all is all that matters. Even when I’m down, I know theres a reason to be grateful. I do have those times, like recently, where I wish I had this and that, but I know that I am way blessed to have the things I have right now.

Because of faith, because of me, because of God – He is able to work his wonders through me. Could I have asked for a better birthday present? ha no.

On a side note.

Today at work I saw Jeff and his bf Anthony. It made me reminisce how I had a chance with Jeff, but couldn’t hang cause he obviously was not doing well in school. I tried no doubt, but it was just too complicated (haha a few months later he got with his current bf). Anthony, I’ve never really seen or met until recently. Never talked to him or whatever. But today just seeing Jeff and him – ugh made me jealous – like the fuck? YOU GUYS ARE HOT together haha. However, I reminded myself I hold my own pretty well and they aren’t at my level and I ain’t on theirs. Its all those could have, would have, man I wish I had…moments. He looked me straight in the eye to ask for water and I said to myself – damn you are grown – I remember you being so…lol I dunno even Ricardo and Ezra. The hell!?!?! haha I never really talked to Ricardo…and well Ezra haha. Its crazy how I will never understand their lifestyle, friendships, drama, or whatever because for me I know when I need to get the fuck out cause I ain’t having any of that. It made me say to myself, my man is coming. After all these great things happening to me, I know that he is coming too. 😛

I don’t need to hope…cause I know. What a rush right?

I am in a point in my life where if you ain’t on point I will leave. I am in a point in my life where school is definitely a priority as well as my career. I am in a point in my life where I feel great about everything =] Things are doing great for me. I am doing fine.

mmmm I think I’m just overwhelmed haha

iljb#45: The IDEAL Guy: “STORY TIME”

The guy on the left is my boyfriend…er what I want my boyfriend to look like. haha. So its crazy how I stumbled upon this video. I was listening to “Little Bit” by this guy and later on clicked on his other videos and saw his brother. I wanted to see what his brother looked like without glasses…and low and behold, I found my IDEAL guy.

I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t gay, but he does have features that remind me of every other typical gay Pilipino. haha which is good because he looks like the type of guy I’d get with =] RAWR. Anyway, I have been having this picture of this guy I want in my head now for the last couple of weeks and well I got his personality, background, and everything down, but his face…FINALLY today I stumbled on his face =] hehe.

So my ideal Guy? Well, I’m excited haha I’ve been meaning to blog about it for dayssss! Here we go! (BTW, I will be describing this guy as though I have already met the guy and know him =] thats what “THE SECRET” tells me to do haha)

So this guy and I met somewhere around SF … er around the bay area at a party/club/event something. I saw him and he saw me. I kind of just looked away but would catch a glimpse of him looking back at me. I thought it was fun because where ever I was, I was having a boring time, so he excited me. He didn’t look gay to me so I didn’t think much of it. But I did continue to glance at him whenever I could and I would see him do the same which made me giggle. The night is drawing to close and he actually comes closer to me and bumps me on accident – he or I drop something – and we both bend down to pick whatever we dropped up – it was definitely like the movies LOL – He then held whatever he dropped in his hand as he lightly wrapped his hand around mine. We both get a glimpse of each others eyes and for a moment it seemed like he and I were the only two people in the room.

He then apologizes and continues his way. I look back and smile. So my friends and I are about to leave and well I see him again taking another glance at me while he takes a sip of whatever he’s drinking as he casually continues to talk to his friends. He dresses nice thats for sure. That night I couldn’t help but think about him and how cute he was…didn’t even bother to ask his name…then again I thought he was straight haha.

So, the week goes on and I slowly forget that guy…I’m looking through facebook or something and there he is…just randomly THERE. haha I check his profile, but its private. So I say fuck it nm. haha but it does make my day. A few days later…I log on again and pop a message from that guy. He writes something cheesy along the lines of, “Hey you were at that lame party right?” haha he gets me to chuckle. however I message back saying, “yeah that was me”…I leave it pretty much short and sweet. He then replies with a smart ass remark like, “Deng like that?” I couldn’t help but laugh so I replied to him apologizing and asking him what was up. He replies saying, I caught his attention or whatnot. After reading that, I started to get red and giggle a lot. He continues asking if we could meet up for coffee or something. I then agree.

So the day that we meet up, he is looking FINE. I mean crisp and on point. This guy does dress to impress…When I see him I shake his hand, but the first thing that catches my attention is his scent – his cologne. I blank for a second and he gives me a weird look like “are you okay?” We then get coffee or whatever the hell we do decide to do. We sit down and he explains why he was at that party or event. I can’t help but attentively listen to what he has to say…he’s cute when he talks. His lips are to die for and his eyes are just A-MAZ-ZANGGGG hahahahahahahahahahahah. BTW, his name is so unique and very interesting. I like. I then share why I was there too…You can tell he’s a listener cause he is nodding and making eye contact…this makes me nervous cause I never had someone do that in awhile.

I look at the clock and time just has flown by…I ask if he wants to take it somewhere else and he then agrees. I’m not sure where we go, but it somewhere nice with people walking around. We continue talking and I then ask him THE question, “So…are you.” He then stops and looks at me. I then start to apologize, but he interrupts by saying something cute like, “Why do you think I asked you to go get something with me.” I mean this guy got swag and this guy got me going hard. We’re walking and its such a nice day, one of those rare warm days in the bay. He then asks me more questions that are somewhat deep. I answer and I ask him similar questions.

Time is definitely passing by and I start to look at my clock or whatever. He notices and ask if I need to be somewhere and I reply with no. He then makes some kind of joke. The thing about this guy is, he’s easy to talk to and I don’t have to ask much. He doesn’t talk about totally random stuff or FILLERS to just make the conversation flow, but he just talks as if we already have been friends for awhile. We then part ways and thank each other for a wonderful night/day. We told each other we’d call or text or something.

After that, I just couldn’t get over the fact that this guy…THIS guy was actually talking to me. lol I was definitely enamored. I didn’t want to look or act desperate so I waited for his text or call. Days went by and nothing. I kind of got sad. However, just at the right time, he calls me and asks if we could hang out again soon. I started to smile on the phone and well we set up another “date”.

What I realized about this guy, hes very charming and sweet. I mean really sweet. The type of guy you would bring home to mom. He’s Pilipino, but he doesn’t really know much about his heritage. This date, I decide to school him on some information about Pilipinos in the bay area. He is excited and really takes everything in. What I also like about him is he truly knows how to listen and pay attention. He asks a lot of questions and just assures me that he does like what I’m talking about. He is very family oriented from the conversation we have. He has siblings and hes the oldest. He’s about 23-26 btw. He works and he tells me how he got his job, which is pretty impressive. He has already graduated from some college, which makes me more motivated to continue to seek higher education. He’s out to his friends and his family, they actually support him a lot in whatever he does…just as long as he provides for the family.

He definitely enjoys basketball and singing. He explains a little basketball when we hang out. I look at him with a confused look. He then tells me that he and I will go shoot some hoops. He also light weight serenades me with his favorite song. Which surprises me cause its not your typical song. He is medium built. He explains that he loves to run and work out. I too chime in with liking to run too. We both laugh and say the cliche “We have a lot in common aye?” He explains his past very light weight – he has a lot of trust issues and thats because a lot of people have been shaddy to him including family. So when it comes to trust he says its a must and its important. We some how talk about relationships and he explains he’s not looking for one in particular right now and I nod my head, kind of sad, but he then comes back with, “But I don’t mind this right here!” HE IS A FUCKING TALKER! AWWWWWWWWWW lol.

But thats pretty much the end of date two. haha the rest is history right? hehe

Well…=] theres my guy and I’m lucky to call him mine =] hehe.

iljb#43: Wounds are still healing…

The last person I ended up “doing stuff” with kissed (that meant something) was J. I know I must have been some kind of blind fool to have been so on it when he was down, but honestly my intentions was pure and honest. However, one thing led to another and I ended up doing something that I wished I prevented. Didn’t help that I was drunk and he was lightweight buzzed. I did like him, but I didn’t want to get into something serious…just start talking.

But again, I was stupid…he just got out of something serious. How could I have competed with someone who spent their days with J? I had nothing on him – only that I knew how to treat another man right. But that was just it…I wanted to treat J right…but instead I stumbled and fell too quick. I was naive…I know, but after a month having passed, not hearing one word from him, and well leaving last “desperate” sounding text for attention…it does still get to me. Especially with what I ended up stumbling on.

Youtube is such a tease in that, you can see that person, but only see and hear what they have to say…not what you have to say. Anyway, I ended up watching Js youtube and it just struck me…made me question…Are you still with that guy?

Like I said, my wounds are still healing and even though nothing was officially serious…I did open up to him when in the very beginning when we started to talk…I rejected him. HA. How the world turns. I swear.

I’m okay, I am. It just reminded me of him is all. But I will say this, I bought the song that he described to me…everytime I hear it…I think about his past…sigh.

– – –

I’ll blog about it tomorrow, but I came home realizing that I do have a lot of obligations to attend to…some good…some bad…

iljb#42: Getting shit done and out of the way

Simply put, I am hustling my way through August. I am so grateful however for all the opportunities thats this summer has offered to me. Many job opportunities (however many failed attempts), relationships (friends and significant wanna bes), quality time with family, and most importantly hanging out with the wonderful friends. I must say that this summer, regardless of the downside of things, has been the best yet that I have experienced. It feels so right, feels so good, it feels like I am where I am supposed to be.

Less than a week from now, I will be embarking on a trip down to SoCal and officially be free from being poor 😀 haha hopefully fin. aid kicks in before we leave *CROSSES FINGERS*. You never can tell anymore due to budget cuts. Anywho, this whole trip and this upcoming year is just slowly creeping closer than I thought. A week ago I couldn’t believe it was August. Now we in mid August and I can’t believe my birthday is coming up!

Twenty friggin three. What an awesome number. Esp. since I will be turning 23 on the 23rd! 😀 I love it. I can’t help but smile and be grateful for all the blessings that I have been bestowed in my life. Everyday is a blessing. Everyday I know that it will be a good day!

It would be nice if I had someone to share it with – but like I said in my recent video, I’m glad I’m single and I am happy. But you know, I can’t help but have those feelings of wanting someone. I think its just human nature to want/be with someone. We come in pairs in a way haha. I’m just assuring myself that once the semester kicks in I will bump into that wonderful guy that I have been thinking of.

It was nice to feel giddy at Intramura and seeing that guy. He was so fione! haha Ralph knows him, or I think he does since I checked facebook lol. *STALKER* okayy haha. But it was fun having a lil exciting added to the night. I won a balikbayan box LOL ugh I wished for it HAHA damnit! DAMN the secret.

On another side note, today I felt so productive because out of the list that I wrote down for today, I basically got over half of it done. I’m so proud of myself. I get shit done and out of the way mother fuckkass!

I just can’t wait till school starts and my real grind begins. I think this fall sem. will be my hardest in a long time. It will test me in so many ways that I’m scared, but more so excited and hopefully.

What will come will come. I just have to pray and know for the best =] …Tis all for this wonderful Thursday. Goodnight world.

iljb#41: I need to fuck something.

This entry will be pretty blunt if you didn’t get the hint from the title already. So lets get to it.

I honestly just need to fuck someone. I haven’t had such a dry spell in my life lol. I guess thats a good thing – a good change for once. I mean, not to say that I’m promiscuous, but I do know how to get mine. The worst I’ve done lately is make out with a person, other than that I haven’t had sex or anything remotely close to it.

I’ve been really feeing it though. I guess my testosterone has gotten the best of me. Gay or straight, a dude needs to let it out. I don’t understand why folks gotta deny the fact that they gotta bust one. I mean I’m not a nympho or anything, but fuckkkkkkkkk I need to fuck something or get laid. lol damnnit.

I guess its true, once you’ve had sex, things will never be the same. You just crave that touch, that feeling, that certain kiss, that bust! I think I’m over the fact of just messing with the “right now” kinda go guys and just save that for the “maybe right kinda guy”. Oh mommy would be so proud of me LOL. It used to be that I’d be sexually active every two or three weeks, but now its completely been a month since the last time I really did something. -__- Am I loosing my game? Maybe I’m just being lazy. LOL maybe I’m done with that lifestyle.

I want to say, “I don’t get how people can just mess around and just fuck constantly.” But then again I did it before haha. 2-3 guys in one day. AHHHH I must admit those where fun times. I used to even count how many I could get in a week. GOSH how baaddddddd. Who does that? I might sound really bad right now, but trust I know I’m nothing close to bad. Sometimes I just wish I could put myself back in that situation where I can have casual sex or oral, but I can’t do that anymore. I just feel that doing that now will just set me back. Therefore, PORN is definitely my best friend. lol.

I guess I’m okay with being single for now, haven’t done that in a while – but if sex does come to my door step – I’ll consider it haha. SHIT I am young and fuck if it happens then fuckk alright then =].

AHAHAH I’m laughing because I’m wondering what my youtube subbies or anyone who sees this will think. To be honest, its fine with me with what you think, I gotta just do me. Trust, I’m not as bad as you might think I am. haha

Which brings me to another point, why is it OK for someone who looks promiscuous to do all that shit and you be fine with it, but when it comes to someone like me its like I’m judged on a higher pedestal. To be honest, I’m just human – with needs and I need to fuck something LOL hahahaha

MAN – I’m just being way too honest its funny =P

DUDE I just wanna poke your FACE lol

iljb#39: Tea is for girls and for the gay

I am still feeling a little peeved with tonight’s comment from my friends younger brother at the dinner table. My friends and I were drinking tea and the lil brother comments, “Why you drinking tea? Tea is for girls!” I was astonished and replied, “Everyone drinks tea, the President drinks tea!” The lil brother continued with saying something along the lines of, “Tea is for gay people.” I then threw my hands in the air and started to get irritated. Some of my friends did say not to say things like that and defended me by correcting the lil brother. However, I still felt uneasy. My friends and I decided to go to our friends room and it was then when I told my friend, “Hey you better watch out in how your brother is growing up.” But the message seemed to just bounce off in the room not being heard. I continued to jokingly say he’s not even listening to me, but it was only because I wanted to really correct the issue. I continued to tell my friend(s) that its important that he talks to his brother cause its not right, but to me I felt like it wasn’t really taken seriously – or I felt like I wasn’t really being respected by my friends. I then made a comment, “This is why its hard being a gay person.” And here I am right now blogging in the room while my friends watch a movie. I don’t want to dampen the night, so thats why I’m just letting it slide, but it is bothering me. I held the tears from shedding…

This proves my point in my recent GAY videos. This is why I speak so passionately about the word gay or just the fact of how its used. This is what many gay folks have to deal with on a daily basis, sometimes we’re left not knowing what to say or do because it’s not our place – especially if its someone’s little brother. It concerns me you know? The fact that this kid thinks that tea is for girls ONLY and that tea is for gay folks, oh he goes to a Christian school. Where is this kid getting all this? My friend defended himself by saying he didn’t learn that from me. So where? Where does he get this type of a idea that he can say this?

If you ask me, there are so many factors in how kids formulate their view on the world and people. For one, I think the way a person molds themselves is by their family. Whatever your family values are, you end up following and believe. However, when we grow up we question them. Another is where we are educated. School really does teach us what we should know in the eyes of the teachers who we respect. Again, as we grow older, we question what we are taught. Lastly, I think we are also molded by our friends and people who we interact with. They are mer reflections of us.

I guess…sigh…I’m just hurt right now because it makes me realize the little struggles gay folks have to deal with. Straight people don’t need to always defend their orientation or feel attacked for loving who they love. Straight people don’t have to always feel inclined to speak on or correcting someone because they hear something ignorant said about their orientation. IT IS JUST FRUSTRATING.

I’ll continue my rant later. I’m just ughed right now. =P

iljb#35: ilike QUOTES by me! :D

My PASSION is my DRIVE that will get me to my DESTINATION to my FUTURE. Believe in yourself and the world will come to you!

I care about my happiness so thats what I’m going to do tomorrow, take care of my happiness.

My future is unstoppable only if I believe it to be! I am a force to be reckoned with!

I live for my future, I live for my family and friends, I live to make change, I live this struggle because I can handle it.

You can escape only for so long. But you’ll end up having to face your reality.

I continue to wonder what I’ve left behind. But I’m not holding on to baggage thats not mine. All I know is the broken can be fixed.

I live the exceptional lifestyle, feels good.

People with integrity do what they say they are going to do. Others have excuses.

Life is possible when your dreams are alive and real.

Nothing is impossible, unless you make it.

Knowing you worth is half the battle.

I’d give you my advice, but its better if you took your own.

We all live by the rules of love, but we forget that there weren’t any rules to begin with.

You’re the music that keeps me on my feet.

They can talk all they want, but thats all they do – talk.

I can’t own your actions.

The journey is priceless.

If you’ve experienced the worst, expect to come out of it better than you were in it.

You’ve made me cry because you meant that much to me.

If it doesn’t work a third time, it will never work.

Its easy to move on because the situation seems all to familiar.

I look back and wonder what I could have done differently.

Money does make me happy.

Prop h8te!

I decided to highlight this blog that I found about Prop 8. —  Ben ‘s Blogs 10/21/08 03:37 PM  Some of my research on Prop 8…  This document is specifically dedicated to Proposition 8 on the California ballot this coming Nov 4th 2008. I am not speaking out against anyone’s faith or religion. I strongly recommend seeing “For the Bible Tells Me So” for information regarding that, or you can call me and we can talk.  I would like to examine some of the claims that are being made by the proponents of Proposition 8.  1. “If proposition 8 passes, gay marriage will have to be taught in the public school system.”  This is the biggest claim that “Yes on 8” is making. This is taken from California school code 51890. Code 51890 includes grades k-12 in the public school system. It is for comprehensive health education programs. The section regarding marriage specifically applies to the legal and financial aspects and responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. This class does not exist for kindergartners… or even those of elementary school age. Somehow I don’t think they would understand the legal and financial aspects of a marriage. So this leaves us with the possibility that gay marriage will be taught in high school? Not quite. Again, this class only teaches the financial and legal aspects of marriage… not who to love and not why we love. Also, this class is only a requirement for school districts seeking state funds for health education, which not every school does. Furthermore, the “yes on 8” campaign left out code 51914. Code 51914 states, “No plan shall be approved by the State Board of Education unless it determines that the plan was developed with the active cooperation of parents, community, and teachers, in all stages of planning, approval, and implementation of the plan.” In addition to this, California law also gives parents broad authority to remove their children from any health instruction if it conflicts with their personal beliefs. I’d also like to point out that you must be kidding yourself if you think teenagers know nothing about sexuality.  Also, in relation to the first claim, proponents of Prop 8 tend to point to the Massachusetts school system and what their children were being taught in public schools. I think everyone knows we live in California and not Massachusetts, right? We all know we have our own school codes? We do. See response to claim 1.  2. “Churches can lose their tax exemptions.”  There is no wording in Prop 8 that has anything to do with Churches or religious services. “No religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention to their religious beliefs.” (Official ruling by California State Supreme Court judges)  3. “Prop 8 is about preserving marriage, it’s not an attack on the gay lifestyle.”  Proposition 8 is not about preserving marriage. To “preserve marriage”, I recommend banning divorce. Proposition 8 is taking marriage rights away from everyday people. And by taking rights away from someone, I believe that is a direct attack on someone’s lifestyle.  4. “The best situation for a child is to be raised by a married mother and father.”  One of the areas that I’ve done extensive research on is the effects on children who are raised by homosexual parents. Each study has found the exact same thing. There is no difference. What the Psychological Association, The Pediatric Association, the American Anthropological Association, the Sociological Association, and countless others have concluded is this: a child is best situated when a committed couple is raising them. It has nothing to do with sexual preference, but it has everything to do with a strong commitment, such as marriage. Furthermore, it is found that homosexual couples have a much higher percentage rate of adopting mentally and physically disabled children.  Proposition 8 blatantly states that it eliminates the rights of same sex couples to marry. No one deserves to have rights taken away from them. No one’s marriage deserves to be voided.  If after reading this, you still are in favor of passing Proposition 8. I ask that you look directly into my eyes and tell me, “No, you are not equal.”  Authored by Ben A., 2008.

The what the fucks of fucks

 

What the fuck? 

I’ve been on this mood for quite a week now and it still hasn’t disappeared. I’ve continued to make myself feel more and more like an idiot and day by day feel like a dumbass since I feel the way I do.

What the fuck? How do I feel? I feel like theres something inside of me that is itching to just get out. Something inside of me that needs to burst out and just yell out in the top of my lungs. However, something is shutting me up. For the past week or so, I’ve just been keeping it all in, or at least trying to. I’ve been just suffering from what I call, “POST DEPRESSION”, where I think of the worst and the worst gets the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCK? 

Now I know what I need to do, don’t need to tell me twice. I think I know myself better than anyone and advice I probably already know, but it still gets to me because this feeling of whatever the fuck it is, is important for me to experience. But again, I don’t think its working out in my best interest since this week is a bummer and pain and I have many deadlines to meet…that being at this state right now is probably not the favorable week to be in this state. 

What the fuck? I feel like I can move on. Scratch that…I know I will move on. BUT WHEN? WHEN can I move on when I feel like I’ve been at this stage and point for a week now…and going…seriously? I haven’t felt like this in a REAL long time. To the point where everything around me reminds me of the situation I’m in. Little things from peoples cars, purple, lighters, EVERYTHING. And its disheartening because I hate feeling this. Feeling like I can’t reason or compromise the situation. I hate this…I hate this part right here as Pussycat Dolls would say. 

WHAT THE FUCK! I feel like a suicidal wreck in that I am just not gonna make it through this week without killing myself (not literally gezz). I just don’t like this schedule…Starting off Monday by opening at Jamba was not what I call…a great start to the week. Especially since I feel so crappy. In addition, I just kept on falling asleep in my classes. REALLY though…I’ve never slept this bad in any of my classes. I could at least control it, but its just been SOOOO BAD that this thing…whatever the fuck this thing is thats messing me up…has just fucked up my whole routine. 

Its not so much about a person whos making me feel this way, but rather the situation. The factors that play in this is just totally fucked up. And though I might tell myself…I wouldn’t change anything if I could…I probably would take a rain check on this for another time. This is bullshit and thats all I can say. 

I can’t believe its gotten to me this bad. This feeling of feeling like a dumb ass. Feeling so uncontrollably emotionally wrecked, feel me? Like I don’t know what to do with my life. When I wake up every morning…I feel like I’m wasting it…I feel like I don’t have my priorities in check…I feel like I messed up a month worth…where I could have done something more productive. 

WHAT…the fuck…

Its gotten to the point where I do want to cry. Maybe even break down…but I’m too tired to shed any tears. Too tired to even speak about how I feel, instead just write them out. It takes too much effort feel me? Especially with judgmental friends that I have (its not a bad thing by the way). I just feel like …I lost a lot of me in this process. I LOST a HUGE PART of my individuality…like who the fuck is Joaquin? CUASE I SURE DONTLIKEJOAQUIN! Feel me…

I fucking screwed myself over with this whole business. I screwed myself over and I feel like shit. I feel like this because I put myself in this position where I am complaining and ranting on and on about the same fucking situation/emotion that I have been for the past week. I feel like I’m not even myself…I feel like in a way…a small way…I’m being fake with the folks around me. TRYING TO SMILE…when I know everything is fucked up inside. I try to avoid it…but moments when I am left alone with my own thoughts…get the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?

I need to check my life…start folding my laundry…clean my act…start moving to a better place…because the place I’m at is dark and lonely…and you know what happens when we’re in that situation…

ITS TAKES A LONG FUCKING TIME TO GET OUTTA IT…

I got a ticket out…I’m taking the next train and getting the fuck outta this bullshit.

lame

if you have someones password and change their myspace to whatever shit you want it to be and upload pictures that say hatred things on them, you must be a fool. why would you do that? why? i dont get what that does or prove in the end? why it was even necessary to do such a foolish act.

Open wounds take time to heal

I’m not sure why I chose this road to take. Not sure if I was meant to really be here. I had a choice. I was at a crossroad. I decided to take the one that most people heeded me to not take. I went with conviction, however, I ended up loosing track of where the road led me, and here I am…lost in my own stupid choices. 

Its hard to not feel like you’re the stupidest person in the world when you know you could have prevented your fate. Its really hard to just keep pushing on and try to dust it off, when you know its still hanging on your shoulders. I just have so many questions to ask. So much bullshit internally to shuffle through. I am unsure of what lies for me in the near future. 

I’m broken because of lies. Lies that have taken over my life and have taken control of my actions. LIES. And you say, “TRUST is something important.” Unfortunately, we sometimes don’t follow what we preach. Sometimes all you need is that one person to tell you, “HEY I’m not single. I’m actually dating someone” instead of beating around the bush and faithfully believing their statements they falsely say to you. 

Actions truly speak louder than words in this case. I just can’t believe it. I’m so burned out that it has affected how I function at school. I’m sleep deprived. I’m… emotionally drained…

I don’t know how to function around guys anymore. I feel so…broken. I feel like…I fucked up major. I’m stupid to believe all the lies that were said to me. Even though you say they weren’t…they ultimately are lies…our “friendship” is based on a lie. I just don’t understand. I need time to heal and you damn right its gonna hurt, but I will forgive your trespasses for we all are human and we do make big mistakes. 

I’m sorry. You’re only sorry cause you got caught. Shrugs…

I’m sorry for pushing for this. I’m sorry that I believed in something true. I’m sorry I fell for someone like you. 

I can only handle so much…ya know…it hurts…I cry…fuck…I’m stupid…you thought I was strong. You thought you knew me…look at me now…fucking sorry…

I live in a world where I believe everyone to be good…boy…am I wrong. 

This open wound…will take time to heal…and in the process…I’ll be able to be whole again.

whats new? nothings changed

Before I go to work, I want to vent. I want to just let things out. I realize last night, I was a very much a hot mess…I couldn’t stop crying. Even if I wanted to. I couldn’t. I cried myself to sleep and it worked. I didn’t know what else to do you know – but cry. In these past year, this is the second time I’ve cried like that. Uncontrollable and unbearable – But this is the first time I cried like that alone…

I kept on telling myself, you’ll be okay…but the fact of that matter is…it just kept on creeping up on me and tears would just fall. I was trying to make a sandwich and I started crying. I feel embarrassed because my friends knew I was crying – they weren’t there in time to talk to me since I feel asleep. Its embarrassing because I kept on saying, “Sorry”. Sorry because they were right and I didn’t believe them. 

When you start believing your heart more than your brain and friends…thats when you know you got a situation to address. Thats what I did for the past month…wow…its been a month…damn what a rush huh?

I don’t regret anything. If anything, I am thankful for the experience. I’ve learned the virtue of patience and the fun in being spontaneous. I believed in myself too much. I always do…but this time…I shouldn’t have. 

Theres a lot going on in my mind…theres a lot to grasp…

But one things for sure…I ain’t hatin haha. Especially not in this situation. Aside from how it came to an end. Everything before that was just…made me smile. Everything was just…I figured I might as well since I never been in something like this before…

You know, I couldn’t even finish SPAM and stick around…I just…I never been that down on myself for a long time…I really haven’t. I just feel like this seems all too familiar. This situation…this setting…

Left without explanations…left me FUCKED up.

Like I said…I was a hot mess last night…

Its like…You want to believe that it wont happen again. That this person is different. You say this with conviction and you believe in your heart that truly this is worth it. You let go of everything and everyone and work for the damn thing…You’re honest and your faithful, not letting any other person try to get at you. You give them the benefit of the doubt. However, this is exactly like before…

I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

And you wonder why I’m single? And you wonder why the hell I’m crazy like I am? And you wonder why I don’t let people in. Because in moments like these, people like these…that fuck up the rest for everyone. 

I know my worth…Mary and Vince…I know my worth…but sometimes its just hard to realize that when you feel like the one your crushing on doesn’t. Feel me. I know what I was getting myself into…Mary and Vince…I just didn’t believe it was true until I heard or saw it from the person. 

And what do I say to this person now? What do I think? Like I

 said…I ain’t hatin. I really don’t have time to. I feel so …that I can’t shuffle through my emotions just yet. I don’t hate you. Some day I’d like to be your friend – since what we had was that right? But right now…It really hurts…shrugs…it really hurts.  

I just don’t understand why I had to be that person that you picked to do this to. Why I wasn’t worth your time to tell me hey…I already got something going on. Feel me. I gave many chances for you to tell me wassup. But since you didn’t I believed that what other people were saying were false and that you were being real with me. What was I supposed to do when I was already in deep feel me? I was already interested. 

I don’t understand why I deserved this. I was nice to you. I did nothing to you…I really don’t get it?

Nothings changed…I’m still single…still stupid…I should’ve listened carefully…Its crazy because unintentionally, a song played yesterday that described how I felt…

Corrinne May – On The Side Of Me

I’m not the easiest person to love
I’m often the one who lets things go unresolved (I knew it before I got into it)

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be 
on the side of me
on the side of me (yeah I did)

I’m not too proud of some things 
I’ve done in my life
The skeletons in my closet 
Are too big for me to hide (I saw all that, yet I still stuck by you)

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

‘Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you (I tried to be that person who never treated you right…shrugs)

I’m not the easiest person to love
But you, you’ve opened your heart to show me what I’m worth (unfortunately…I apparently don’t know mine)

‘Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

‘Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

 

I’ll be ok…thanks for the support friends ❤ real talk.

Complicated Context

– – – U P N D O W N

Three years ago, I met a guy named Ben through Open House. It was funny too cause it was so unexpected. Someone told me to talk to him to let him know how to get to SFSU since he was coming for our open house. After I got off the phone with him, the person who let me talk to him (his cousin) tells me he’s gay. I was like WTF??? FOREAL. haha He ended up coming with his other coordinator and me and my other colleague met them at our office. When I saw him, my mouth dropped. *GASP* hes sooooo cute! But really? HES GAY? NO FUCKING WAY! I sat across from him, TRYING to pay attention at the subject matter. We ended the night and said our goodbyes. I talked to my colleague after discussing his appeal to the both of us. We laughed it off, but I was determined to talk to him. The roller coaster ride of events that followed after was full of excitement and heartbreak. When we started talking on aim it stepped it up a notch in getting to know each other. I would feel more inclined to go to other folks events knowing that he’d be there. There was a time however, where my colleague was jealous of my friendship with him and told my core some stupid excuse in why we shouldn’t go support their event – the reason being that I wanted to just see Ben. -_- LAME! Childish acts like that erked me with my colleague resulting in animosity between us when we brought up Ben. 

Ben and I would have conversations of interests. Flirt. Do things that would make your body rush with excitement. For instance, when we shook hands, he would tickle the bottom of my palm. haha the first time he did that, I was like…WTF? -_- Oh did I mention, at the time he recently just came out…or was in transition -_-. We would talk sometimes on the phone, but he would leave me with more questions. Left uncertainty after conversations were done. It got to the point where I was real sprung off of him. YES? NO? He kept me close, when all I wanted was to escape. But ain’t that what happens…you wanna leave, but you don’t because you know it a temporary high. 

On and off, we would talk. But then I found out…he had a boyfriend -_- a boyfriend in which I was also working with currently at the time at his school…AWKKWARD. Which left me pissed and confused. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? His answer…I never got around to…-_- OOOOO-K. So this obviously made me not want to talk to him, which was the case in the end. But later on…it didn’t work out with his boyfriend…he then came back in my life…with my stupid ass letting him in once again. But AGAIN…it was an off and on basis with Ben. When he wanted to talk…-_- 

Fast forward…a year later…we’ve grown up and well moved on, but there was still a piece of me that still would give him that attention and time. We met at Fresh in Berkeley to just meet him after awhile of not seeing each other. My feelings came back for him. He was beautiful! REALLY though. My friends meet him too. He would give me looks without any words to accompany those looks, leaving me to try and decipher them after. We then would text each other after we went our separate ways, but it would always end up with us being frustrated and what not. 

I remember the final push for Ben, mind you we haven’t kissed or anything yet, only flirted. I was in the area…and well drunk…and I wanted to see him. He said he was down, but he was with a bunch of his roommates…I didn’t mind…I was cool just hanging out with him…Long story short…we ended up kissing…but when it was actually happening, the thoughts of “this is not what I expected” and “what are you doing Joaquin?” I was drunk and making out with him – definitely not the romantic setting nor place that I imagined. He ended up passing out, leaving me to think next to him…in disgust…-_- I was hurt again…So that for me was the last real encounter I had with him. 

He never understood why I was mad or hurt by him. He would say sorry, but he didn’t understand the reason for the apology. He would try to again gain my attention, but I had enough of it. Two years I felt wasted…I then deleted him off of myspace and eventually facebook. He would try and add me again and again, but I would refuse. My way of getting someone out of my life slowly…

Yesterday, he imed me…saying he missed me. Three years later…things are definitely not the same and I’m able to talk to him without any emotions attached. We lightweight reminisced about the things that I discussed earlier, and all we could do was respond with “lol” or “oh yeah I remember.” He then suggested for us to hang out. I was shocked and surprised, because he would always wait for me to ask. I then followed by saying, “When you have the time and date, thats when we’ll hang out.” Sometimes, your past experiences…makes you a lil bit stronger and wiser in dealing with bullshit people like Ben. Hes a great guy…just not the type that would make me happy relationship wise. 

– – – A S I A N P E R S U A S I O N

My first boyfriend that I really considered, Ken, was my treasured trophy piece. The year was coming to an end in 2004, but along with it I was getting to know Ken. He was your typical asian, rice rocket, chinese guy. Spiky hair, chinky eyes, medium built, smoked, and smelled like curve (the reason why I was so attracted to him), driving an RSX (is that what it is? haha). When I started talking to him, it was nothing…he was hard to get to know just because he wasn’t really “out”. Yet he was feeling me. My friend Jamie and I took at trip at his work in SF cause I wanted to see him for the first time. It was soooo cute cause I was hiding behind different isles, grabbing a peak at Ken at the counter. He would look at me like wtf is your deal. That was the first time I saw him and I was right off the bat “sprung”. Soon after, he came down to Mt. View to pick me up for a movie. Oh, I was just really getting the hang of meeting guys and how to act around them, so I was very much inexperienced. We sat next to each other at the theaters, but I couldn’t help stare at him avoiding the movie at all cost. I then said some cheesy line for me to grab his hand. -_- ugh lol (I hekka don’t try to do that shit no more lol). It was just a real nice feeling that I had never felt before…We then were at the parking lot…and well lets just say we got caught -_- LOL. =] it was a good caught though LOL. Thats when I asked him to be my bf. haha (Oh man when was the last time I asked someone to be my bf…oh man…geez) 

Now, I met his friend and she was tight…he was a bit older than me and definitely, I was a square bear when next to him…I just idolized him cause he was the first guy I believed too good to be true for me. I remember, I would drive all the way to SF (a snuck out to drive the car) and see him. It was raining one time and well I went to see him at his house. He invited me over and well…he was being a lil bitch cause I was on his bed and well he wanted to just watch TV. TYPICAL GUY ATTITUDE! UGH…I was all bitch pay attention to me. LOL. I was playfully arguing with him saying all he cares about is TV and not me. haha ugh sooo drama mama. Anyway, we cuddled and basically watched the rain pour down on the window. It was one of the ONLY moments in my life where I felt it was real romantic and movie like. I was like damnnn this is it =] I like this guy a lot.

Unfortunately, there came a time where I felt like he was totally different on the phone than in person. I kind of was a psycho back then in that I was challenging his affection towards me basing it on phone interaction vs in person. A valid argument, but eh. I ended up once again going to SF late at night, thats what I would do when we would get into a fight, I’d drive 45 mins just to see his ass. I was upset that night…I sat him down. Told him…if you want me to stay, I’ll stay, if you want to break up let me know. He had this look like he wasn’t having any of this. He told me, “You should know I don’t like talking about this stuff,” I looked at him like how else are we supposed to make things work or better if we don’t talk, “I just don’t like talking about my feelings.” as he finished his sentenced. I then asked again, do you want to break up with me? Cause at that time I was ready for it. He responded…no. 

Three days later, I felt like I was doing better. I wasn’t worrying about our relationship or nothing. I was doing fine. I also hadn’t talked to him since the day we talked. I called him and I happily asked what he was up to. He said stuff and just thinking. When he said thinking, I asked about what. He then responded…”I think we’re better off as friends.” UGHHH my heart broke in two…HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT? YOU SAID THREE DAYS AGO that you wanted to stay with me. He wasn’t even trying to work it out with me either…that was the worst part…he just gave up…I was like…ughhhh. On the phone I kept my cool…and then hung up…I was upset…totally upset. 

Fast Forward…SF then became a place where I dreaded to go. Memories of him every time I went to the city…I remember I would just drive up to his place and sit outside…wondering…wtf…stalkerish? Yeah…When I got to college freshman year, we ended up talking again…We spent a night where we watched a movie…it was nice…we caught up…but in the end…it led to nothing…

A few months ago, I saw him after 3 years…I was shocked…he looked so different. He had baggy eyes…and look like he was on crack or something…I was like WTF??? I said to myself, “WOW I had you at my prime.” lol…it was interesting…awkward hellos and goodbyes…thats all…I found him on myspace and messaged him if he wanted to hang out, but he never responded back. 

Last week…I saw him twice…I pretended I didn’t see him…and he did the same…its so weird…we had a great thing…and he just threw it away…and even being friends…we wouldn’t do it…=/

An on going lesson

I’ve been well you know, not the best lately. Due to recent events, I’ve just been a hot mess. To add, I’ve just been not keeping up with my studies. Luckily for me, the semester has just begun. I’m confident that I’ll be able to get out of this “mess”. I’m confident that I’ll be able to make it through this semester, but its just right now…right now feels like an eternity. When I look at the kick off of my semester, I look at how hard it has been unlike any other. Financially, emotionally, and physically draining. Life isn’t a piece of cake, its more like a piece of shit. It piles up, the problems…the worries…the feeling of defeat. But I guess thats how life is, it brings you down when you’ve reached the top to keep yourself on your toes. To keep yourself grounded. Sometimes you gotta get your bubble popped. 

Work has just been a place for me to ponder about my thoughts and filter my emotions. At times, I loose myself in fantasy while at work and get into my own zone. What if, this and that, thoughts just accumulate and depending, it could be good or bad. I remember when I was in it too deep with the guy I liked in the summer, I was a hot mess feeling so sad at work and couldn’t function. It was all bad. Today, I was thinking about this guy who I could have had, he was about 26 or so. He was established, had a nice car, I believe his own house, and he was trying to get at me but I wasn’t having any of it cause I decided immature stupid boys were my fancy. When I look back at it…I was stupid not to go for it. He was attractive, had a great job, and possibly could have taken real good care of me. A few months later…I find that hes with someone else. DUMB DUMB! Missed opportunities are the worse, especially when you know you coulda gotten it. 

On a different note, I feel asleep REAL bad at church today. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I hardly heard what the priest was saying during his homely. =/ It got to the point where I had to leave church because I didn’t want to be disrespectful. I guess being tired + depression = not being able to function correctly. Is it the season? What is it!? I find that every fall semester a character from my past comes back. Recently that was the case. I was like…wow…wth…I haven’t talked to you in like 2 years. Weird. Or there would be instances where they come in and say hello and goodbye. Those are the worst. 

Unfortunately, I am once again procrastinating on a paper for my design class. You’d think I’d be on this design business, but I’m more whatever about it…sigh… especially since the paper is about me. Who likes writing about themselves? Honestly. Sigh…I’ll cut it here..

OH thanks for those who have been commenting…I just wish I could hit you all back, mmm maybe I’ll start commenting back on the bogs. Shrugs who knows. But thanks =] I love the feedback. 

Pages

I think I’m going to start compiling all the wonderful messages I get on youtube to remind myself that I’m not alone and that this “romance of a movie dream” I have for myself…does happen. Its cute cause its like AWWWW see it does happen 😀 hehe…I’ve been so out of it lately cause recently I’ve just been fantasizing about…that romance…shrugs…=P blahhh =( I’m sad again. lol