Posts tagged ‘sf’

December 14, 2009

iljb#76: Its harder than it looks.

I guess the day after hurts more than the actual moment. Today was a bit rough – slow start – but nevertheless rough. I couldn’t help but think that I was told, “…for right now, its better that we’re just friends.” I guess…I’m still confused about what that means because the past few months that we did talk…we were friends first – the attraction and affection came second…so I’m not sure what to feel or how to act right now…These confessions of mine are often buried and are often unknown to many, but I’m letting it out right now…because it hurts to much to be kept inside. Its harder than it looks…but I’ll manage…I always do.

It started off with me driving to Emeryville to meet him. I was so excited cause I haven’t seen him for over a month. It was so exciting because I finally was going to see him (I joked around about not being able to remember how he looked like). As I was driving I thought about the first thing that I would do. I would get out of my car, see him, hug and spin him as I say I missed you so much…When I parked…I saw him, I hugged him…but I guess I didn’t get the same in return when I come to think of it. His arms were to his side as I wrapped mine around them…I thought to myself…damn…this is what I get after not seeing you for over a month…I guess – and I figured…after knowing each other for a quite some time now, his PDA worries would have died…I mean…when I’m with him – the world suddenly stops and its just me and him…its been like that since I started to talk to him.

We walked like “friends” into the Public Market trying to find what to eat…I didn’t want to it, but I guess I gave in…we sat down…and I was so flustered for some reason…I didn’t know where my head was at…I guess I was just overwhelmed with him being in front of me…hes so beautiful…his smile…I guess he caught me spacing off and was like, “wtf?”, but I apologized and said I had so much to say that I forgot all of em…he nodded his head like usually.

Before we headed to the movies, we started to make out…It felt so good, but I felt like something was holding him back…I guess it felt like he didn’t want to do it, but I just figured that was just him being him…but we ended up just messing around and for that moment I felt so good that we were together…we were spending time with one another…I just missed his body next to mine. After…I was smiling as I said, “Damn that was hot.” I was so excited cause it was exciting. He on the other hand acted like he did something very bad and was ashamed about it…I asked him what was wrong, but he just replied that he was just tired…He said that the last time something like this happened because something was bothering him…I should have taken note of that…But I genuinely thought he was tired…so we just went on our way. I paid for his movie ticket…he didn’t seem to have any hesitation in letting me, I guess I wanted to buy it for him – even though I should have made him pay…I’m really broke…but I figured – I don’t put limits into the dude I’m talking to…if anything I’ll find ways to make it work no matter what. I’m just thankful he said thank you…last time I paid…he didn’t even say thank you.

We sat down and I started to hold his hand…but I felt like he was being distant…I dunno…I thought that was just him, but…I thought since we hadn’t seen each other he’d be more affectionate…more loving? But he was distant…leaning on the other side of the seat rather than closer to me…even holding his hand seemed like a task…but I guess I let it slide cause I didn’t want to push it…I guess thats just him I told myself…We watched Princess and the Frog and it was a really cute movie…I kept on thinking about him throughout the movie…telling myself…he’s my prince…and I’m so happy that I’m next to him…

The movie ended and we started to walk back to the car. We were conversing about how good the movie was and all that. I wanted to tell him that he was my Evangeline but something inside me told me not to say it…so I didn’t. He told me he needed coffee so we went and got coffee. We roamed around Boarders after awhile…he hit the kids section and he was telling me about how he wants to get a new book for his kids (he takes care of kids). I said why not make your own book and share with your kids what you made. He paused and smiled saying he’d like that. He was telling about this stuff animal that he found and it was a character from Dinsey – similar to Dora – and I was looking at the price thinking in my head that I’ll get it for him since he was so thrilled about it…but I kept that in the back of my head…Christmas is coming up soon right?

So we ended up in the car and he started off with a strange statement, “So how was your day?” and I was like…wtf? Then he followed it with, “So what are you doing.” and I knew then that something was up…I asked him if he had something on his mind…and he said he did. To be honest…my heart was racing because I was excited and scared…is he going to ask me out? He eased the conversation by saying, “So I’ve been thinking…like what are we doing…what are we…where are we going with this…?” My excitement soon turned into disbelief…is he breaking up with me? (too bad we were never together and we’ve only been talking for 3 months as “friends”) He then explained how he feels like since he broke up with his ex a few months back that he’s never felt single…or experienced being single. He was saying that he just hasn’t had that independence.

I couldn’t look at him while he talked to me because my body was shaking inside from the disbelief of hearing what was coming out of his mouth…He was telling me that he likes me a lot and he doesn’t wanna lose me, but at the same time he wants his independence and this chance to work on himself. WORK on himself? I just was in shock…I didn’t know how to react…I was quiet for the most part…He replied…”Please say something…” Well…what the hell do you say after 3+ months of talking and you spring this shit up…Me and him have never gotten into an argument and we’ve been a good couple – something I really cherished…so him saying this is like an unexpected earthquake…shocking…He got emotional telling me that I’m different…I listen to him and I make him feel like he has something to say…He was telling me his ex’s, family, and best friend don’t even do that…It was at this moment that I extended my hand to him…I was trying to not cry and get emotional…I guess be strong for the both of us…

I guess what got to me is the fact that…we mess around earlier…and he nodded saying yeah…he didn’t want to do that…but it just happened…he couldn’t help it…he missed me…He also explained that he wanted to just be distant, but it was hard…He also admitted that when we was rude or being mean to me throughout the time…it was because of his frustration of what he was feeling about our relationship. He didn’t want to drag it any longer…and said that he wanted to meet up tonight to tell me. He wanted to meet me at my apt and hang out instead of Emeryville…but he knew that was a bad idea. He continued saying that he knows he could do better…in treating me right, but its like he doesn’t have his shit together…I guess? I dunno I’m still confused about that…

He said that he just wants us to just be friends…but its like we were friends minus me saying I miss you…so thats what I wasn’t totally upset…he didn’t show affection that much in the relationship…but I thought of that as something we could work on together in the process…he said he knows guys want me and he feels like he shouldn’t be the reason that I shouldn’t pursue them…but its like…I don’t want them…I want you…I’ve wanted you ever since I met you…You’re more than I could ever ask for…it just doesn’t make sense…I don’t want to get to know folks…he was telling me that he doesn’t want me to wait…but its like shit I’ll wait to get your shit together because I know WE work well…He continued saying…I still want to spend new years with you and go to that basketball game with you if you’ll let me…but in my head I’m just like wtf…ugh…its not the same…But at the time I said of course I’d like that…

I reassured him that I’ll wait and agreed if something does happen in our lives…we’d let each other know (if someone else interest us)…but now when I think of it…this situation seems so cliche…its sad…it breaks my heart…couldn’t have have waited AFTER finals was over…Lena said, “guys like that don’t care about shit like that.” I agreed…cause I was like that guy too…this situation reminded me so much of how one year ago I ended it with this guy I was with…for 3 months…WOW…I’m just realizing it…sigh…this was the same place that I actually ended it with that dude one year ago…wow….

I’m slowly realizing this…ha…full circle…the irony…I dump one…and a year later I am the one that gets dumped…

He said to sum it up that we are going to be friends…but friends that like each other…

….

WTF….

I don’t get it because now its making me think that the reasons why…aren’t matching up…I did more that everything for him…been there for him…I did nothing wrong but show him what a true man is capable of being to him…I dunno now…I’m actually hurt…

Tonight he called and I ignored it…it was so hard…but I had to…if he wants to grow…he has to grow without me being there…it just makes sense right? Thats exactly what he wanted and stated…

I’m so lost…I’m feeling like shit…this sucks…but on the other hand I said to myself…things could be worse…

I give my all…genuinely give my all, but it never amounts to the fairy tale ending I want…

Its harder than it looks…

I need your advice on this situation…

How do I be a friend that he likes and give him the space and independence he needs? I like him a lot…I’ve put so much into this…Why did this happen? Is this my own karma? Like that Glee episode…You can’t always get what you want….

SIGH…maybe thats it…I can start my year off right…without someone by my side…cause I’ve made it through a tough year…and I can begin a new one alone….

THIS IS HARD….

ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE….

FUCK….

If I meant so much to him…why do I feel so unappreciated? =/ I guess I shouldn’t wait like I said I would…you let me go…and I guess thats a choice you’ll have to work out…

Advertisements
October 11, 2009

iljb#54: I’m trippin…its koo…

I’m not a party animal, I am not someone you should be afraid of, I am gay, I am someone who works hard, I am a lot of insecure (yes that is exactly what I meant), I like history, I know I’m not perfect, I love hard, I get depressed sometimes for no reason…

I’m trippin…I have found myself slightly depressed today…I don’t understand why it decided to come today. Man…I’m just sad…I’m feeling sad. I have so many insecurities that are getting the best of me right now and to be honest, this is the last thing I need to feel right now…I feel really dumb right now. I already cried in the car after work, I already tried to avoid how I felt when I hung out with Lena, and now I’m here blogging my heart out on this wordpress at 1:17am…I have work yet again today…I’m looking forward to it, but at the same time I’m not.

I am worth something right Joaquin? Yeah you are! Then why do I feel like shit. You’re mind is wandering…WHY!? You just need to get some rest. Why!? You have too much on your mind…I just want to cry…go ahead and cry then. But I’m too tried to cry…tomorrow will be a better day…You think so? Yeah, by tomorrow, you’ll forget about today…I need to do hw…yeah you do, don’t trip, you’ll have time to do it…promise? Yes, I promise…sigh I don’t know if I can do this anymore…Do what? Be this strong…you’ve done it for the past months now…why stop…I know, but I’m expected to be…no one expects you to be anything…I do…well this is a battle that needs to be resolved…but not tonight…SIGH…you’re sad? YES…take some rest, you’ll wake up feeling a lot better…Yeah? …I’m gonna cry myself to sleep…man don’t be so dramatic…yeah I know…But to be honest I am holding back my tears…if they do come out…let them…you’ve been keeping something in for the longest time…you’re insecurities…you’re right…sigh…my chest feels heavy…you’ll be fine…I promise.

September 7, 2009

iljb#48: …and its a good one.

I begin to relax and I let my mind settle for a min and let myself breathe. I breathe because I am alive, I breathe because I can, I breathe because it is just exactly what I need to do right now. And no, its not that kind of “I’m stressed out” kind of breathing exercise, but rather that breath that we all take for granted…and yes its a good one.

I completely have been overloaded with responsibilities, school work, work, and the ever changing lifestyle I commit to. Its exciting, yet so tiring at the same time. I remind myself that I can handle it because I know I can. I just got to make sure everything is on point and that I ain’t slacking. This Monday, I am making sure I am taking care of business, so that tomorrow I can just recover and tie up any loose ends…ya feel me?

I feel good about life right now. I know that even though recently this past week, I’ve had major bumps in the road, that the over all picture is still in tact and I ain’t trippin. I live life the way I want it to be, not the way I fear it to be. So before I get on with life today, I thought it would be nice to reflect on the wonderful day I had yesterday.

I had a wonderful time with a guy that I had never met before until yesterday. I was excited, scared, but over all over joyed that yesterday happened. How did all this begin? Well…with a simple text from me saying, “Oh I forgot you were on my phone list…hello”. He replied, “Oh so what are you doing tonight?” and I continued on texting, “Hanging out with you remember!” haha. I tried to be cute…and well it worked, he then went on saying, “How about Sunday?” A play date as he put it. Ever since that day, which was about a week ago, we’ve been texting each other every day just about our day and what not.

Now I went into this with no intention of getting with him or messing around. It was an honest “play date” and I really wanted to meet him. Since the bridge was in construction, he still took bart to see me. I find that really sweet =]. So before I picked him up, I light weight got nervous…I couldn’t believe I was meeting HIM. haha I mean he seems pretty popular on DL or whatever, but shrugs, thats my bad for even going there. I pulled up…and there he was. The first thing I catch is his beautiful smile and a wave saying hi. I tried to act cool, but inside I knew I was dying because he was definitely cute like his picture.

We drove down 19th and we were caught in traffic. I was irritate with the fact that there was traffic on a Sunday, but it gave room to get to know HIM. He told me later on that he was nervous and shaking, but I couldn’t tell really because I too was nervous and avoiding eye contact. However, when I did catch a glimpse of him, I couldn’t help but melt a little. haha. Again, no intention of doing stuff with him…just a simple hang out that I had in store.

We finally got to Kitaro sushi and luckily he’s never been there. He actually hasn’t been around SF he explained, which got me excited because I knew the spots I was taking him would be appreciated. I learned a lot about him and how hes not out yet…well to his family. I found it so interesting how 2-3 years ago he was straight…then became gay. haha he is that type of person that can be both and you wouldn’t expect it. He ate pretty fast while I just ate my udon, which by the way was bleh. I had to pee and while I was in the bathroom Celine Dion was working a song. I stayed in the bathroom for a little longer because I was getting it! haha.

We then went to our next destination. I jokingly asked him where we should go next and he replied with a shrug and said it was my job to plan it. I then said, “Where is the folder you said you’d bring.” haha. It was cute. I finally reviled to him that we were headed to Japantown. He exclaimed a big YAY afterwards. haha. Luckily he had been to Japantown before, he ended up giving me a guide of Japantown like I’ve never had before. I was then the giddy one. We walked into a lot of cute shops, I was stoked because I love Japanese novelty and what not. So cute! We then stopped at this car/automatic store where I decided to buy a car freshener (which by the way smells so good right now in my car lol). I was pleased with the buy. We then headed up to go get a crepe at Sophie’s Crepe. I had never ever had a crepe until yesterday…and inside I was giddy because I was able to enjoy the experience with him. I got a crepe chocolate with banana and some ice creme. YUM. I wish I had taken a picture of it =p boo. Like he did at Kitaro, he gulped the crepe right down, while I was still trying to figure out how to maneuver around it.

After we got done, we decided to drink sake. haha it wouldn’t have been a complete Japantown trip now would it? So we sat down at this quaint lil restaurant and drank. I got to learn more about him as the sake moment progressed. 21 questions and then some was the game. I found it cute that we both ended up being buzzed. haha. We walked out kind of dizzy…at least I was…and I couldn’t help but smile and think…damn he’s so cute! HAHA luckily I wasn’t an ass and blurted out, “HEY YOU’RE SO FRIGGIN HOT!” hahahahahha. That would have killed our kick it. haha. We headed down to a bookstore to just check out what they had, then found ourselves in the anime section. I separated from him and found myself looking at the Magna Carta book…I was so amazed because I love Magna Carta! Ahh the women in there are so hot. I want to draw like that one day. Soon after, he joined me for a lil bit and we exited to head to PikaPika.

By this time, I wasn’t too buzzed anymore, just excited about PikaPika. Its so crazy what Japanese people think of when it comes to photobooths haha. I loved it. My first time PikaPika’in. At first, it was a lil awkward cause I felt like it was a “couple thing” to do, but I got over it and went with it. I’m looking at the pictures right now and it is definitely ADORABLE. =] He has the best face LOL AHHHHH =].

After getting that over and done with, we got into the car and headed to our last destination. I couldn’t help but smile at him a lot cause he was definitely making it a great kick it. So we got there and the sun was setting. It was cute. We walked down this area near the Cliff House. When we got there it was breath taking the ocean, the view, everything was perfect. I told him that once we stopped he needed to ask me questions. haha

We ended up at this rock/muscle rock area thing. And stood as the waves crashed on the rocks and foamed the sand. Thats when I reminded him to ask questions. It started off with silly questions, then got to, “What’s your favorite part of the day.” and I replied…right now…he then nodded and agreed. Then…we’d catch each other smiling at each other and what not…continuing to ask questions. I then had the nerve to finally ask, “Can I get a hug.” cause I really wanted one. He then said yea. It was so romantic…the beach, the view, the gust of wind lol. He then surprised me with, “Can I get a kiss.” AHHHHHHH LMAO o – m – g. I didn’t even expect it to go there. FUCKKKK LMAO haha I then kissed him and I completely melted like a glacier! LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH he has the softest LIPS in the WORLD! I was like that is not a lip…that is like a babies butt LMAO it was sooo ahhh yum. I then asked, “Can I get another.” AHHHHHH it was so cute! I had never felt so good about a ending kick it turned date in my whole entire life. It was totally movie status. AHHHHH. He then asked, “What are you doing next weekend…can I see you again?” AHHHHHHHHHHHH that just did it for me. FUCK! haha. I felt like I had won a million bucks…I couldn’t help but smile.

The then “Kick it” had now turned into a date unexpectedly. It slowly dawned on us that it was getting colder and darker…so we headed back. Along the way, we’d stop and continue kissing each other. =] IT WAS CUTE! The hike however back was not crackin! OH hell to the mother fucking no. lol. I felt like an old man…literally…and it didn’t help I was walking next to Mr. FIT haha.

When we got to the car…I confessed to him that the reason why I texted him that one time is because I wanted to get to know him more…he replied with, “I’m glad you did.” It just felt good. It felt nice. And for a day…I felt like nothing else existed. He also mentioned he’s never had someone kiss his hand before like I did. I found that elementary to do…but I guess it made me feel good that I was the first to do it to him =]

The night ended with a lot of kissing and just the feel good memories we shared that day. I dropped him off and drove away hella cheesing. I slept real easy last night…aside from being tired lol.

It was sweet and amazing. =] For what it was…and whatever it might be…I’m grateful for the experience.

I did mention in earlier blogs that its good to be single…however, when you least expect it…moments like these occur. =] …and its a good one! =]

August 29, 2009

iljb#47: Rushing…

I feel like today was rushed to get to where I am today. I had work, did laundry, organized my life in between, and now awaiting my family to come and swoop me for dinner. I didn’t even eat all day because I’m waiting for dinner. (So bad). In any case, this rush is good. I feel this urge to make my first weeks the jump off of my whole year. It has just begun and I am already busy! I can’t hardly breathe haha. I’ve also been excited to do my hw – which is a first because I never ever feel excited to do hw. I just haven’t gotten a chance to peep at it because I have been lagging 2-4 hrs behind on schedule. But I’ll get there folks…it just takes time HA how ironic right?

I feel good today because I was able to pay off my best buy debt. Something I’ve been meaning to do for the last 2 years. I can’t believe it. I am stoked. I paid for it. Now I just hope my credit will be fine so I can actually get a REAL credit card. shoot. haha in addition, I was able to go to the dentist. =] Now all I need to do is get contacts and sign up for GRE. I am way more than enough money to handle myself this semester. I feel good because for the first time in awhile, I feel stable. I think its in part to the secret. DAMN secret really does work. =] I am grateful every day I wake up.

First thing I do when I wake up is acknowledge what I am grateful for and just thank everything for happening. I really do think this is why I have been so lucky these past weeks. I am so grateful for everything. Life, school, friends, family, my future ahead! I have been given this chance to make it big and I know I will be able to achieve anything if I just put my mind to it. IT is going to be a busy semester, but I know I am able to handle my own.

I work so damn hard to get where I am right now. It feels good to be where I am right now because with all the bad experiences I’ve had in the past year, all seem to be nothing but dust off my shoulder. I can lift my head up high and know that taking a risk, doing my best, and giving it my all is all that matters. Even when I’m down, I know theres a reason to be grateful. I do have those times, like recently, where I wish I had this and that, but I know that I am way blessed to have the things I have right now.

Because of faith, because of me, because of God – He is able to work his wonders through me. Could I have asked for a better birthday present? ha no.

On a side note.

Today at work I saw Jeff and his bf Anthony. It made me reminisce how I had a chance with Jeff, but couldn’t hang cause he obviously was not doing well in school. I tried no doubt, but it was just too complicated (haha a few months later he got with his current bf). Anthony, I’ve never really seen or met until recently. Never talked to him or whatever. But today just seeing Jeff and him – ugh made me jealous – like the fuck? YOU GUYS ARE HOT together haha. However, I reminded myself I hold my own pretty well and they aren’t at my level and I ain’t on theirs. Its all those could have, would have, man I wish I had…moments. He looked me straight in the eye to ask for water and I said to myself – damn you are grown – I remember you being so…lol I dunno even Ricardo and Ezra. The hell!?!?! haha I never really talked to Ricardo…and well Ezra haha. Its crazy how I will never understand their lifestyle, friendships, drama, or whatever because for me I know when I need to get the fuck out cause I ain’t having any of that. It made me say to myself, my man is coming. After all these great things happening to me, I know that he is coming too. ūüėõ

I don’t need to hope…cause I know. What a rush right?

I am in a point in my life where if you ain’t on point I will leave. I am in a point in my life where school is definitely a priority as well as my career. I am in a point in my life where I feel great about everything =] Things are doing great for me. I am doing fine.

mmmm I think I’m just overwhelmed haha

September 22, 2008

An on going lesson

I’ve been well you know, not the best lately. Due to recent events, I’ve just been a hot mess. To add, I’ve just been not keeping up with my studies. Luckily for me, the semester has just begun. I’m confident that I’ll be able to get out of this “mess”. I’m confident that I’ll be able to make it through this semester, but its just right now…right now feels like an eternity. When I look at the kick off of my semester, I look at how hard it has been unlike any other. Financially, emotionally, and physically draining. Life isn’t a piece of cake, its more like a piece of shit. It piles up, the problems…the worries…the feeling of defeat. But I guess thats how life is, it brings you down when you’ve reached the top to keep yourself on your toes. To keep yourself grounded. Sometimes you gotta get your bubble popped.¬†

Work has just been a place for me to ponder about my thoughts and filter my emotions. At times, I loose myself in fantasy while at work and get into my own zone. What if, this and that, thoughts just¬†accumulate¬†and depending, it could be good or bad. I remember when I was in it too deep with the guy I liked in the summer, I was a hot mess feeling so sad at work and couldn’t function. It was all bad. Today, I was thinking about this guy who I could have had, he was about 26 or so. He was established, had a nice car, I believe his own house, and he was trying to get at me but I wasn’t having any of it cause I decided immature stupid boys were my fancy. When I look back at it…I was stupid not to go for it. He was attractive, had a great job, and possibly could have taken real good care of me. A few months later…I find that hes with someone else. DUMB DUMB! Missed opportunities are the worse, especially when you know you coulda gotten it.¬†

On a different note, I feel asleep REAL bad at church today. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I hardly heard what the priest was saying during his homely. =/ It got to the point where I had to leave church because I didn’t want to be disrespectful. I guess being tired + depression = not being able to function correctly. Is it the season? What is it!? I find that every fall semester a character from my past comes back. Recently that was the case. I was like…wow…wth…I haven’t talked to you in like 2 years. Weird. Or there would be instances where they come in and say hello and goodbye. Those are the worst.¬†

Unfortunately, I am once again procrastinating on a paper for my design class. You’d think I’d be on this design business, but I’m more whatever about it…sigh… especially since the paper is about me. Who likes writing about themselves? Honestly. Sigh…I’ll cut it here..

OH thanks for those who have been commenting…I just wish I could hit you all back, mmm maybe I’ll start commenting back on the bogs. Shrugs who knows. But thanks =] I love the feedback.¬†