Posts tagged ‘depression’

October 11, 2009

iljb#54: I’m trippin…its koo…

I’m not a party animal, I am not someone you should be afraid of, I am gay, I am someone who works hard, I am a lot of insecure (yes that is exactly what I meant), I like history, I know I’m not perfect, I love hard, I get depressed sometimes for no reason…

I’m trippin…I have found myself slightly depressed today…I don’t understand why it decided to come today. Man…I’m just sad…I’m feeling sad. I have so many insecurities that are getting the best of me right now and to be honest, this is the last thing I need to feel right now…I feel really dumb right now. I already cried in the car after work, I already tried to avoid how I felt when I hung out with Lena, and now I’m here blogging my heart out on this wordpress at 1:17am…I have work yet again today…I’m looking forward to it, but at the same time I’m not.

I am worth something right Joaquin? Yeah you are! Then why do I feel like shit. You’re mind is wandering…WHY!? You just need to get some rest. Why!? You have too much on your mind…I just want to cry…go ahead and cry then. But I’m too tried to cry…tomorrow will be a better day…You think so? Yeah, by tomorrow, you’ll forget about today…I need to do hw…yeah you do, don’t trip, you’ll have time to do it…promise? Yes, I promise…sigh I don’t know if I can do this anymore…Do what? Be this strong…you’ve done it for the past months now…why stop…I know, but I’m expected to be…no one expects you to be anything…I do…well this is a battle that needs to be resolved…but not tonight…SIGH…you’re sad? YES…take some rest, you’ll wake up feeling a lot better…Yeah? …I’m gonna cry myself to sleep…man don’t be so dramatic…yeah I know…But to be honest I am holding back my tears…if they do come out…let them…you’ve been keeping something in for the longest time…you’re insecurities…you’re right…sigh…my chest feels heavy…you’ll be fine…I promise.

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November 2, 2008

RANTS

I’ll spend a few mins just typing out my thoughts, since thats the only way I get through stuff now a days…in my thoughts. Its crazy how theres so much information in my brain that it can create me not to function correctly cause theres so much clutter in there. Well heres my house cleaning.

Thank you Erwin for keeping up with my life and letting me know wassup. I haven’t gotten to text you back or nothing just cause I suck at getting back at people, but just know I really appreciate it. My thanks also go out to Kellz, Justin, and not so important. Thanks for leaving your love and feedback. ❤ They do help. 

My life right now…mmm how can I sum it up…unstable. There…cause I still feel like I don’t have a grasp of my life even after Friendship Games. I feel like I’m moving…my body is…but theres nothing in me thats really functioning. Its as if I’m a hallow body moving through life. Nothing too exciting has happened in my life, just bad luck on my end. When I got back from Friendship Games I found that I lost my debit card. A few days later I went to celebrate Ryans 21st and D&Bs and I lost my phone for an hour at that damn place. Luckily I was able to find it. Then a few days ago at work, these folks came in to give me a GRAND prize of going to vegas for only 50 dollars with some other free stuff included, but because I didn’t have my debit card, they couldn’t give it to me. Instead they gave me a 200 dollar pizza hut coupon thing. When I left work, the FREE pizza coupon was lost…-_- ugh…Bad luck has just been getting the best of me lately…especially since I’m feeling sick now! FACK! You can’t help but wonder why things happen the way they do especially when you’re just trying to live LIFE!. Maybe its because I haven’t been going to church since that time I went to church and the priest was spreading PROP 8 to the congregation. -_-. Weird thing is…FAMILY is doing good right now. I feel like I’m much more comfortable with family right now than all other things, which is different because usually its the other way around. Friends are alright too, but I feel things could be better.

I’m really glad that I have friends that I can call my own and if I feel like I need anything, they’re there to help me. But sometimes, I feel like some of my friends are only here when I need favors. Like theres a missing element that has been bugging me. A few months ago I felt like my friends and I were on top of the world…but now it seems like we’re in two different worlds. I don’t think many of them see it…well the particular individuals that I’m talking about…but it sucks to realize that currently…they’re not there in your life when you need them, but only a selected few. And meeting half way is the only thing I can do. “Hey are you okay?” or “Whats been going on whats up.” When I get closed ended answers…I can’t do much with that. I just feel like sometimes…I’m left wondering…why the hell do I call you my friend. (And if you think this section is about you, then maybe it is). I went through some shit these past few months and its crazy how I was able to deal with the shit I had to…without you. Now that sounds weird for me to say because I would think my closest friends would want to know, or want to HELP, or what to just be there at my lowest low. I guess whats bugging me is that when I needed “you”…you weren’t there to pick me up when I fall. We act like we’re strangers…-_- ugh

On a different note, my living situation is…well has bugged me for a lil bit. I swear, aren’t we all adults? Living in an adult world? If thats the case, why do I feel like I’m baby sitting? For me the biggest issue I have are dishes. I mean real talk, if you’re gonna use a dish, wash a dish. Or at least clean it and leave it in the sink so folks can reclean it. Cause it sucks when dishes are left out for like 5 days and the shit left on the dishes become hard to get off. I just can’t believe it…things are so elementary when it comes to cleaning to me, but for some of my roommates, its hard to comprehend. Like real talk, own up to your shit. THERE AIN’T NO FUCKING MAID THAT LIVES WITH US! However, I take on that responsibility myself because I surely can’t live in a pig stye. Now a days, I only clean when I know it is getting out of control. It sucks because I fucking set up things for people to do. Like TRASH. I take it out and put it out so folks can just take it…but no…no one feels like its their responsibility to take it. It sucks because I see folks be playing video games, watching tv, on the internet surfing…but they can’t take 5 mins out of their life to CLEAN. REAL talk, it took me fucking an hr to clean up the apartment one time because everyone failed to do their cleaning job…the next day…EVERYTHING was trashed again. LIKE foreal? Where is the respect in that? Did yal parents raise you right? Or did they raise you to where you have people clean after you? I had a cleaning list up for this apartment, but I took it down cause I felt like it was disrespectful for me to have one, taking my time to make it, and no one follows through. Like real talk, folks would kill to have a cleaning list, but folks take this shit for granted. And as a result…my apartment right now doesn’t know what to do…what to clean…cause they don’t know who is next on the cleaning list…but wait…that doesn’t mean you STOP FUCKING CLEANING THE APARTMENT! Like real talk…its so elementary. I’m waiting for someone to tell me, “hey Jar, can you please put the cleaning list up.” because I would put it back up because it shows folks really need it or want it back. Because theres a lack of NEED for one…fuck it…Its soo dumb…I work at jamba and clean dishes…and then I have to come back home and clean more dishes. Hella disrespectful. I spend hella time in the kitchen just cleaning after these pigs. I don’t fucking get it…like don’t you feel embarrassed? Don’t you feel any guilt that one of your roommates is taking on cleaning for 5 other people? Thats fucking wrong. Fuck…if you got fucking time to CHILL, you got fucking time to clean up your shit…and I’m embarrassed cause our friends come over hella times and for them to come in and be all “whats that smell” or “do you want me to help you clean” is sad…real talk…This apartment right now sucks…sorry

I don’t fucking know where I’m going with my academics. I feel like I’m in the middle of succeeding and failing…more so failing…I feel like I’m not up to par on where I should be with my major or everything else. I’m half asses everything. And I feel like I don’t know why that is. WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE THE FUCK is my motivation? Its gone…completely gone…it sucks because by now, I would have been a little more motivated to do shit…but it sucks because real talk…I want to give up on school…I’m learning…but not taking anything in…I fucking suck at life right now…I feel like the things that surround me are fucking me up…FUCKING ME UP…I don’t know…I feel like I don’t deserve to be in a state school…a fucking state school…I feel like I should just quit and just get a job at burger king. FUCK it….I’m fucking tired…-_- ugh…

Relationships…fuck…I feel like its not a priority…but I feel like it something that I’m craving for at the same time. I don’t know…I just feel like it sucks to see couples around holding and kissing each other…ESPECIALLY during this fucking holiday season. I fucking hate it…ugh…I don’t know…I’m searching when I shouldn’t be. I’m slowly getting over things…and I’m glad…because I can actually breathe without you suffocating me…I’m a wreck…I feel like one…I’m slowly realizing a factor to why I’m single. I start something…and I feel like I can’t commit…I have BIG commitment issues…and its rare for me to commit in something…I feel like thats the cause of why I’m still single…fuck where is that guy who will be like on ma jock, want to get to know me, say cute humorous things, do cute humorous things, just do the fucking damn thing to impress me. WHY the fuck I gotta do all the work, nig…I’ve been there done that…fuck I just gotta sit back now…fuckk…

SIGH…I’ma cut it right here, theres too much emotions and too little time to be wasted on this blog…real mother fucking talk…ugh…FUCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Is this seasonal depression…or is this stress…or just a combination of both…cause if its both…oh fuck…

Greetings from the BakitWhy Team.
Believe it or not, BakitWhy will be in San Francisco on Saturday, November 15, 2008 for BakitWhy’s NorCal Mixer!

As a big “thank you”, we’ll be coming together as one Pilipino-American community by bringing the audiences of the entire Northern California area together at this exciting community mixer!

Date & Time:
Saturday, November 15, 2008
5pm – 10pm

Location:
BakitWhy NorCal Mixer
Bayanihan Community Center
1010 Mission Street, Suite B
San Francisco, CA 94103

With Special performances by:

MissCarolinexoxo
Kayla

Also at this event we will be having FREE FOOD and more!

Please spread the word, BakitWhy will be in SF on November 15, all are welcome!


See you all there soon!

October 13, 2008

The what the fucks of fucks

 

What the fuck? 

I’ve been on this mood for quite a week now and it still hasn’t disappeared. I’ve continued to make myself feel more and more like an idiot and day by day feel like a dumbass since I feel the way I do.

What the fuck? How do I feel? I feel like theres something inside of me that is itching to just get out. Something inside of me that needs to burst out and just yell out in the top of my lungs. However, something is shutting me up. For the past week or so, I’ve just been keeping it all in, or at least trying to. I’ve been just suffering from what I call, “POST DEPRESSION”, where I think of the worst and the worst gets the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCK? 

Now I know what I need to do, don’t need to tell me twice. I think I know myself better than anyone and advice I probably already know, but it still gets to me because this feeling of whatever the fuck it is, is important for me to experience. But again, I don’t think its working out in my best interest since this week is a bummer and pain and I have many deadlines to meet…that being at this state right now is probably not the favorable week to be in this state. 

What the fuck? I feel like I can move on. Scratch that…I know I will move on. BUT WHEN? WHEN can I move on when I feel like I’ve been at this stage and point for a week now…and going…seriously? I haven’t felt like this in a REAL long time. To the point where everything around me reminds me of the situation I’m in. Little things from peoples cars, purple, lighters, EVERYTHING. And its disheartening because I hate feeling this. Feeling like I can’t reason or compromise the situation. I hate this…I hate this part right here as Pussycat Dolls would say. 

WHAT THE FUCK! I feel like a suicidal wreck in that I am just not gonna make it through this week without killing myself (not literally gezz). I just don’t like this schedule…Starting off Monday by opening at Jamba was not what I call…a great start to the week. Especially since I feel so crappy. In addition, I just kept on falling asleep in my classes. REALLY though…I’ve never slept this bad in any of my classes. I could at least control it, but its just been SOOOO BAD that this thing…whatever the fuck this thing is thats messing me up…has just fucked up my whole routine. 

Its not so much about a person whos making me feel this way, but rather the situation. The factors that play in this is just totally fucked up. And though I might tell myself…I wouldn’t change anything if I could…I probably would take a rain check on this for another time. This is bullshit and thats all I can say. 

I can’t believe its gotten to me this bad. This feeling of feeling like a dumb ass. Feeling so uncontrollably emotionally wrecked, feel me? Like I don’t know what to do with my life. When I wake up every morning…I feel like I’m wasting it…I feel like I don’t have my priorities in check…I feel like I messed up a month worth…where I could have done something more productive. 

WHAT…the fuck…

Its gotten to the point where I do want to cry. Maybe even break down…but I’m too tired to shed any tears. Too tired to even speak about how I feel, instead just write them out. It takes too much effort feel me? Especially with judgmental friends that I have (its not a bad thing by the way). I just feel like …I lost a lot of me in this process. I LOST a HUGE PART of my individuality…like who the fuck is Joaquin? CUASE I SURE DONTLIKEJOAQUIN! Feel me…

I fucking screwed myself over with this whole business. I screwed myself over and I feel like shit. I feel like this because I put myself in this position where I am complaining and ranting on and on about the same fucking situation/emotion that I have been for the past week. I feel like I’m not even myself…I feel like in a way…a small way…I’m being fake with the folks around me. TRYING TO SMILE…when I know everything is fucked up inside. I try to avoid it…but moments when I am left alone with my own thoughts…get the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?

I need to check my life…start folding my laundry…clean my act…start moving to a better place…because the place I’m at is dark and lonely…and you know what happens when we’re in that situation…

ITS TAKES A LONG FUCKING TIME TO GET OUTTA IT…

I got a ticket out…I’m taking the next train and getting the fuck outta this bullshit.

September 22, 2008

An on going lesson

I’ve been well you know, not the best lately. Due to recent events, I’ve just been a hot mess. To add, I’ve just been not keeping up with my studies. Luckily for me, the semester has just begun. I’m confident that I’ll be able to get out of this “mess”. I’m confident that I’ll be able to make it through this semester, but its just right now…right now feels like an eternity. When I look at the kick off of my semester, I look at how hard it has been unlike any other. Financially, emotionally, and physically draining. Life isn’t a piece of cake, its more like a piece of shit. It piles up, the problems…the worries…the feeling of defeat. But I guess thats how life is, it brings you down when you’ve reached the top to keep yourself on your toes. To keep yourself grounded. Sometimes you gotta get your bubble popped. 

Work has just been a place for me to ponder about my thoughts and filter my emotions. At times, I loose myself in fantasy while at work and get into my own zone. What if, this and that, thoughts just accumulate and depending, it could be good or bad. I remember when I was in it too deep with the guy I liked in the summer, I was a hot mess feeling so sad at work and couldn’t function. It was all bad. Today, I was thinking about this guy who I could have had, he was about 26 or so. He was established, had a nice car, I believe his own house, and he was trying to get at me but I wasn’t having any of it cause I decided immature stupid boys were my fancy. When I look back at it…I was stupid not to go for it. He was attractive, had a great job, and possibly could have taken real good care of me. A few months later…I find that hes with someone else. DUMB DUMB! Missed opportunities are the worse, especially when you know you coulda gotten it. 

On a different note, I feel asleep REAL bad at church today. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I hardly heard what the priest was saying during his homely. =/ It got to the point where I had to leave church because I didn’t want to be disrespectful. I guess being tired + depression = not being able to function correctly. Is it the season? What is it!? I find that every fall semester a character from my past comes back. Recently that was the case. I was like…wow…wth…I haven’t talked to you in like 2 years. Weird. Or there would be instances where they come in and say hello and goodbye. Those are the worst. 

Unfortunately, I am once again procrastinating on a paper for my design class. You’d think I’d be on this design business, but I’m more whatever about it…sigh… especially since the paper is about me. Who likes writing about themselves? Honestly. Sigh…I’ll cut it here..

OH thanks for those who have been commenting…I just wish I could hit you all back, mmm maybe I’ll start commenting back on the bogs. Shrugs who knows. But thanks =] I love the feedback.