Archive for March, 2009

March 29, 2009

iljb#10: Love Comes & Knocks You Down

Truly inspired by Keri Hilson’s Knock You Down and tonight’s events.

Its crazy when you are introduced to someone for the first time and right off the bat they catch your attention, not only because they’re attractive, but also because they have something more about them that entices you. I might be crazy or might be jumping the gun right now, but I honestly felt like that tonight. Meeting someone and well light weight…flirting? Or …I dunno maybe thats just me. However, out of all the people in the party tell me why he wanted to check up on me or talk to me…MMMMM haha. Not the point, the point is…sometimes you meet folks for the first time and you two click instantly…shockingly…surprisingly. The story this young man had to tell me about his current situation reminded me a lot of mine and well the only difference is this time around is this guy is legit, in college, and well hes got shit going for him. However, he did do something that was kind of a turn off, yet…I didn’t mind…I was inebriated. Just the fact that I was able to relate and well just talk to him made me just cringe at the fact that he was with this stupid guy for a year…when HELLO MR JOAQUIN’s been looking for a guy like you…I guess things happen for a reason right? I mean…tonight was a night that wasn’t mean for well interactions with strangers, yet I met a few, and well this was one that stood out.

Theres a song that describes this…I think its Alicia Keys “You don’t know my name” haha…sooo my song to describe my situation. I’m kind of infatuated right now, but I know thats its just that. The dude lives far and well I did make a video inspired by it…that…well…go ahead and get it whatever you want…and don’t settle with just OK…

Did that make any sense? lol…I was just like “DUDE!!! I’m HERE! TAKE ME NOW! TAKE ME HIGHER! I’M THE MAN YOU WANT!” and me being very confident I wanted to ask for his number and well tell him how I felt already about him, BUT I controlled myself and didn’t do any of that. HAHA. It might have been weird…but…whatever…I doubt we will see each other again…and I doubt that we’ll make that connection again…shrugs…only wishful thinking though…

FUCKKKKKKKKKK. He was just adorable. lol I was so like omg you soooo want me like I want you! 😀 haha he’s all “talk to me” HAHAHA I shot a “have real talk with me” back. LOL hahah fucking crazy. I wish folks video taped my life cause seriously its worth watching. 😀 HAHAH

SIGH…love knocks me down like nothing…it keeps getting better doesn’t it haha…I do feel like I’m close to finding him…I do…thanks God. =]]

March 25, 2009

iljb#9: GAHY

I honestly don’t understand why fools be acting like the way they do. For me, I would at least want the person to break up with me and then do something else with another person. I mean its wrong, but its legit ya know. Don’t fucking cheat on someone that really loves you or cares. We all have done our damn share of bad decisions, but its like when you know you got something good…why the fuck are you gonna go throw that shit away? I dunno…its ugh…

The fucking world is fucking showing their face to me one day at a time. SCRATCH…I just read my horoscope on my mac that if there is a new person trying to get into your group of friends, relax, they ain’t gonna do nothing. HAHAH FUCKKKKK you serious? I swear zodiac horoscopes are the best…

I just feel like honestly the whole fucking world is showing their true colors to me one day at a time…its like damn do I really know you? Or do you even really know me? To fucking lie to me like you do…? MMM whats the deal people??? Where have all the good ones gone…

ok…blog later today…I’m too tired to focus.

March 15, 2009

iljb#8: LIFE without me

womanI love this picture that I made on photoshop by the way. Its soo…cool? haha I’m in awe right now because of the two other assignments I had for my DAI class. I can’t wait to post em up for yal to see, but yeah just fucking around on photoshop tonight and tada thats what I got. I wanted to do more with it, but I didn’t know what to put. Anyway, more to come.

So my throat hurts like nothing. I think its from all the oil I had from the food I made today. I tried to make fried rice LOL. It worked…kinda…I wanted fried rice at TK but I didn’t wanna spend money. Money is so precious right now. haha I’m even doing a great job not cashing in my coins. Although they look like it could add up to like 20 + dollars. HAYY haha dolllahhhhh billzzz.

So I have a shit load of new songs because of a particular site that I went to =] hehe secret =] but I fucking have a shit load of music that is off the chain! wOoOt WOOt…I wished I had my ipod though to make the experience better. BLAH

So I have work tomorrow at 9. UGH why’d I say I’d work that early? ahha I think I thought of it as I would have more of Sunday off as opposed to me starting at 1 – 5. YEAH. Oh well…I hope it rains tomorrow so I don’t need to worry about customers. Its whatever.

I’m soooo over alot of things and one in particular is just mee giving a fucking damn about whatever the fuck folks think about me and whatever the fuck people wanna talk and say about me behind my back. fuck it. I don’t need that kinda friend to begin with. I’m just fed up with being the option in all relationships. Like I have an option to hang out with him or talk to her. or being USED for that matter. The consistency factor always plays some kind of role in my life. I just don’t get why that is though. WHY it always gotta be so fucking inconsistent. We all have hung out as a group to just do something together. I mean I want to, but it just seems everyone has their on prerogative. SILLY me, I’m stuck here watching them, when I could be doing the same thing.

I haven’t thought this since high school…but I’m starting to question…a life without me…mmmm it makes me question what folks would do if they knew tomorrow I wouldn’t be there. Its always those last min…I shoulda, coulda, whatever bullshit. In this time of lent, things start to come into plain site.

I’ve been lost…and I’m in the middle of giving up…

I’ve been occupying my thoughts, my time with other things. I’ve been upset this last week. Told a few folks, but not to the point where they understand the circumstances…my emotions are never worn on my sleeve…it scares me…cause you’ll never know how hurt I can be unless I go to you…which leads me to question…a lot of things…

=/ im kinda upset…moreso depressed

March 11, 2009

Not Anymore – LeToya Luckett

This is dedicated to
This, This, This is dedicated to
Mmmmmm, well if your feeling like Im feeling, then this is dedicated to you

Verse 1:
Well, Ive been the super girlfriend
Let you think that nothing bother me
Like when you go out with your friends
And people bring me back the stories
The stories bout them other girls
Bout this one, and that one, and those three
So when I ask a simple question (Where were you last night?)
You wanna yell and scream and try to flip it on me

No, No, Noooo (No, No)
Is anybody else just fed up?
If you heard it all befoe, foe, foe (foe, foe)
Then right where you are just get up

Chorus (2X):
Somebody say, I dont want it anymore
I dont want it anymore
Somebody say, I dont want it anymore
I dont want it anymore
Cause Ive dried my eyes and I realized
I deserve somebody thatll treat me right
Somebody say, I dont want it anymore
I dont want it anymore
Somebody say, I dont want it anymore
I dont want it anymore
Because I know my word so you can keep
That drama, I dont want it anymore
Ooooh, oh, oh oh, not anymore

Verse 2:
Mmmmm, no more settling for less
Im looking for that kind of man
Thats gonna give his best, cause Im giving my best
A man that wants to cherish this
And knows exactly how to woo me
Not some silly little boy

Who wants my goodies cause he took me to the movies

No, No, Noooo (No, No)
Is anybody else just fed up?
If you heard it all befoe, foe, foe (foe, foe)
Not Anymore lyrics on
Then right where you are just get up

March 7, 2009

iljb#7: I don’t know…

I’m still up…=[ I’m thinking, second guessing myself, a little down on myself…kinda of off right now -__-. blah =[ missing something, but don’t know what.

March 6, 2009

Off The Record.

I spent days, restlessly thinking about you
I spent hours counting the minutes and seconds I have missed without you here
I continue to face defeat every day
I crumble slowly inside
realizing that everything that was will never be again.

I spent days wondering what happened
I spent hours telling myself it’ll be okay as I see the seconds pass away
I continue to regret the day
I continue to crumble slowly inside

I know you well
I wish you all that is
I know things aren’t going as planned
but I know things will come to view
as the days go on
as the hours and seconds tick
I’ll continue to think about us
for you will be in my heart somewhere
forever with me.

You run your mouth with gossip.
Filled with passion and information awaiting certain reactions.
Your days are half spent listening
while the other is half spent talking
not about your life, but of others concerns
As you continue to consume your head with problems not of yours
but of others.
As it grows on you, it slowly consumes your everyday routine
You feed off the little things
and spread the information on to the next
Circling you is the knowledge of everyone and everything
You know more, but none of this concerns you
You act as though you know the solution
You feel like you can solve each situation
You want to be included in all
So you continue to run
for stopping is not an option.

March 6, 2009

iljb#7: All the fame and such.

I never thought youtube would be anything more than just posting videos up of myself. Boy was I wrong. Its been more than just a space for me to vent, help and give advice, or to find random stuff on the internet. Its been a great resource to connect with folks all over the world or local and find similar interests. It still gets me when I get stopped or recognized by folks who watch my videos. “You’re ilikejoaquin right?” haha it is mind boggling. The ego of having such a “celebrity status” hasn’t gotten to my head, but it does make me smile. ha.

I’m trying my best to get partner just cause I figured its another way of income for doing what I do. lol but its been unsuccessful…I already got denied. LOL. WHATEVER. jp. However, hopefully in time I will. Shrugs. People really do adore my gay series, I think its very different from many gay series out there on youtube…that I am very proud of. For me…I’m just an ordinary guy who does ordinary things who happens to just post it online for public viewing. Looking back at everything…man…its been a ride.

Its also been crazy because ever since I made everything “ilikejoaquin” based, its been easier for folks to get a hold of me. The only thing now is to change my sn lol…blah =_= haha. All the fame and such…oOo man.

March 5, 2009

Off The Record.

He takes my heart
and places it at the bottom of his chest
surrounded by everything else important to him
He keeps it safe, for it wont get harmed
by whatever mistakes lie before him

My heart beats
pumping through his veins
hoping it could reach his mind

He ignores its attention
he forgets what was beating to begin with
for it is deep within his chest amongst the other hearts he keeps
mine is just one of the same
pumping for attention
for some recognition

He only gives for one
He shakes the rest
forgetting its initial meaning
forgetting who’s heart

He takes my heart
as it slowly falls a part
deep within his chest
amongst others
mine is just one of the same

March 5, 2009

iljb#6: Communication 101

I’m sick an tired to have to deal with folks who don’t know how to communicate well. It seems as if I’m having more communication issues than I used to in the past. With all my current relationships, I feel that its just getting the best of me in that I have to really have patience in the situation. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t focus at a time like this.

I step back and laugh at the situation I’m in because its ridiculous how simple the situation is that a lil “misunderstanding” or “communication” can alter the whole situation and escalate it. I AM FED UP! YOU HEAR ME! FED UP with this bullshit. This isn’t how my semester is supposed to start out. This isn’t how 2009 should be panned out to be. WTF is going on T_T. I know what I’m worth, I know what the fuck I’m doing.


FUCKKKKKK -__- I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m everything that doesn’t involve a smile. I’m dissatisfied with things…


If there was a class for communication 101, I could recommend it to folks to take…wait you already did? MMMM it sure doesn’t seem like it.

March 5, 2009

iljb#5: What the fuck?


Breaking News: The L.A. County District Attorney has just charged Chris Brownwith felony assault and making criminal threats, also a felony. The charging documents name Robyn F. (aka Rihanna) as the alleged victim. Brown will be arraigned today at 3:30 PM in downtown LA. Chris Brown could face a maximum of four years and eight months in prison. [Source]

More Details Emerge: FOX 11 in L.A. obtained LAPD detectives notes from a search warrant in the case. As per the notes, Rihanna read a three-page text message on Brown’s phone from a woman. An argument ensued and Brown allegedly tried forcing Rihanna out of the car but couldn’t because she was wearing her seat belt.

Brown then allegedly shoved Rihanna’s head against the passenger window. When Rihanna turned to face him, Brown punched her, then continued punching her while driving, according to the detective’s notes.

Blood spattered all over Rihanna’s clothing and in the interior of the car. Her mouth was filled with blood. Brown allegedly told Rihanna, “I’m going to beat the **** out of you when we get home. You wait and see.”

Rihanna called her assistant and left a message saying, “I am on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.” Brown then replied, “You just did the stupidest thing ever. I’m going to kill you.” According to the report, Brown continued to punch Rihanna, bit her on her ear, her fingers and put her in a headlock — she almost lost consciousness. [Source]

Note: The photo that TMZ obtained showing Rihanna battered, bloody and bruised is mild compared to other photos. They’ve learned additional pics were taken on February 9, the day after the attack, and they are far more gruesome — the bruises and swelling far more pronounced. These photos show injuries that could be devastating in a case against Brown.

It is still disturbing to me how a good amount of folks cannot believe that Chris Brown was actually capable of doing this to Rihanna. Additionally, folks can’t put the two why she would come back to Chris? HELLO! Are you serious? I just hope he does go to jail ya know. I do like his music and that is truly hard to separate from the person, but trust as a ONCE fan of Chris Brown its going to be tough for me to separate the two.

People are like, “WTF is the big deal?” Really? What if that was your mom? What if your mom got beat up and had to live with the side affects…you gonna stand there and say the man that did it wasn’t a bad man? MMMM I doubt that. Or even someone close to you man or woman. It can happen to anyone. This kind of domestic violence is really out of line. This domestic violence is unfortunately out for public critique. I highly doubt that if it wasn’t “TRUE” that Chris wouldn’t be in this situation that he is in. T_T sooo fucking LAME….

Chris Brown. WTF?

March 4, 2009

iljb#4: Sunny Sunshine.

Today is remarkably and surprisingly sunny? Whaaaat? Is this a foreshadow of what today might be like? Unfortunately, my day has been less than sunny. I ended up sleeping again through my two classes this morning. THIRD absence -_-. I know for a fact that we were watching a movie about Rio in one class and the other class was just review on the readings…I think. But all I really need to do is engage myself in the readings so that I can catch up. SERIOUSLY…the last reading I did for any of the classes was two – three weeks ago. YES, my fault, but YES lack of motivation for learning about city shit. In other school related news, Steve Jones liked my design for my menu!


I was the second person to go and I just did my stuff. I was using my communication/presentation skills on the class. I saw a lot of head nods and a lot of interested folks looking at my design. It felt good because I really thought I would do poorly or get called out on a lot of things, yet Steve (my professor by the way who happens to be the hardest DAI professor in DAI) said my design looked professional and that it was good. I was relieved! =] Later in the class he called me out for using my laptop LOL so my good graces with him kinda cancelled out -_- LOL STUPID.

This class is the only class I’m really interested in yet I am not following the reading as well -_- Somethings gotta give. WHAT THE HELL is it? I don’t know…blah…

In other news, yesterday was an eventful day of DRAMAS! To think that this drama couldn’t get more worse that it already was…it did. How are you going to hold a position in an org and act like you did inappropriately to a member of your org with total disrespect? MMM talk about safe space for PACE. Now I know we have our grudges on each other and what not, but the letter or response I got from a particular person was not necessary.

I DONT GIVE A FUCK IF YOU WERE OFFENDED” – mmmm I think you should since you a hold a high ranking second to head. And I think you should “give a fuck” because you’re way out of line.

YOU KNOW WHERE I LIVE YOU KNOW WHERE I GO TO SCHOOL AND YOU KNOW WHAT I FUCKING LOOK LIKE…DONT FUCKING BOTHER SENDING ME ANOTHER EMAIL COZ IF YOU DO IT WILL BE A JUMP OFF IN THIS BITCH! ” – What is this? Bring it on? I didn’t steal no damn routine from you, so why you acting like I did!? And whoa I have no idea what “be a jump off in this bitch” really means. To be honest…are you threatening me? HA remember when we told you and everyone else that you wear the responsibilities and role where ever you go? MMMMM I guess because you’re always right and you always have a point to make that you forgot this. =/ awww I’m sorry.

I would like to see a verbal apology, if not, I would like to see his resignation from his position. I do not respect any one, especially something that I helped built for two years, to go a head and disrespect me in such a fashion that is quite unqexpectable. Did we forget professionalism? Its funny because before all this he wasn’t scared to “RUN HIS MOUTH” to everyone, but when he was called out, he got all flustered and decided to call me out for a brawl! LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA oh fuckkk if I don’t call that “hilarious” I don’t know what is.

I could ruin your orgs reputation with a quickness. Its a simple email that would be sent out to the yahoogroups. I could make this a bigger problem than it really is. However, I rather just ruin your reputation as an alumni student of 355, a current coordinator, and as a student at SFSU. You think I messed with the wrong person? Think again.

Sunny Sunshine to you all…
Cause I sure am having a FABULOUS Wednesday – sarcastically speaking.

March 3, 2009

iljb#3: FAIL

Unfortunately, I did fail on my fasting…youtube, downelink, and myspace have been hit…unexpectedly…I guess its because I’m still up 4am in the wee morning. I’m not going to check it nor update it…but I just had to check tonight I guess…ah self control sure did FAIL tonight. But its all good because the main reason for me giving up on these sites is that I do spend way too much time on them. These past weeks have just conditioned me to not rely on their interactions with the world – which I am still proud of. The last resolution that still stands is alcohol. *cross fingers* that better not be a fail on March 13! lol sigh…not missing much on any of the sites so I’m ok with that. lol maybe ilikejoaquin will be blogged based from now on GASP lol. jp =]

I’m lost for words…and lost for a lot of reasons besides words. I’m obviously up for a reason…but I have no particular reason. I wasn’t dwelling on the drama currently in the air…but rather I have just been up to just be up. I feel like I’m wasting my time being up, so I will make this short.

I just hate how people have so much pride that they can’t just set that shit aside. Or folks have so much resentment towards a person or grudge that it consumes them like nothing. I just hate my name in folks mouths in a negative way. I ain’t trying to start shit, but if you wanna act like a kid and start shit, then be it. I ain’t afraid to face up and own up to what I said. ARE YOU? I think you ain’t. Whats said is said, whats done is done. All you had to do is just take it all in, I wasn’t even mad? I wasn’t even trying to come off as rude or mad. SO why the fuck are you acting like I am? What the fuck did I do to you personally? Nothing? Get off your fucking hype, you ain’t acting like the position you claim you hold – if anything I am disappointed in how I am treated as a member of your org. Sorry, but clearly you don’t see that because clearly the “point” has been taken. I have little or zero interaction with you – if you got an issue, go a head an address it to me and I’ll let you know if you’re right or if you’re wrong. In this situation I can own up to my faults by saying what I did wrong, can you? Because you’re attitude towards your general members sure does “CREATE A SAFE SPACE”. Respect what folks did to put you in the position you’re in, don’t put a bad name to you, your position, or org. And if you happen to read this, I hope you talk to me directly, cause apparently you have a lot of mouth to be talking to everyone BUT me.

This whole situation became more than what it should have been and I don’t understand why it had to be taken there.

I’m tired of folks acting like they are always right, I’m tired of folks pointing the fucking finger. I’m tireddddd of hearing the same bullshit run in peoples mouths…

If you ain’t a part of the solution, then you fo sho is part of the problem!

I’m asking God for a lot of prayers right now…I’m asking God to help me through all this…I just hope he’s listening.

Please don’t FAIL me now…=/

March 2, 2009

iljb#2: Talks, talks, and more talks!

If my situation right now couldn’t have gotten more worse than it already is…it just did. An hour ago, I had a conversation with my boss at Jamba Juice (1 on 1 kinda conversation). It was so different from my other manager who used to do 1 on 1. Oh by the way, I was totally FUCKING up at work today cause it was just me and Maria (my manager) on the floor. I felt like such an idiot because I kept on doing mistakes that were to me and her un-expectable. Anyway, she talked to me about how she is concerned with my performance at the job and how I am not consistent with how I perform at work. Granted I’ve been working for Jamba for over a year now and I should by now know the attitude I should have when coming to work, however, if your co-workers don’t make you feel that way about work anymore, why should you? I’m at Jamba Juice because its flexible with my work schedule and to be honest its a decent job. Anyway, she just told me how some of the leads feel a little intimidated to train/call me out on certain things…I can come off as intimidating she said. I was like FOREAL? Cause to be honest Theo is that to me. In any case, I stated that I just need feedback and I just need to know wassup so I can be a better team member. Again, I know I’ve been here for over a year now, but its like finding my way back to why I joined Jamba in the first place.

I just felt the conversation went in circles because I understood where I stood in the situation and I understood where she was coming from. I just felt like man…this conversation again…mannn I’m hearing the word consistency yet again. And it made me cringe because of all the recent events occurring in my life…this was the last thing I hoped…especially this week. But note taken. I got it…I understand…I’m gonna do my best to be a better team member.

Reflecting on Maria saying she feels there’s a lack of consistency with me I in return am trying to figure out if there is any connection with my relationships with folks in general. The comment “Oh thats just Jar” surfaces in my thoughts because it bug the fuck out of me how some folks can just say oh thats JAR…don’t bother just ignore him. Its like what the fuck…I don’t say, do, or act on things because I just want to stir up drama. If anything, I just want I just want an understanding with folks that this is where I am coming from. I don’t get why its okay for others to state their point and when I say mine, I’m feeling like I’m the dick in the situation?

– disclaimer: not for you, but for “you” to read –

This whole “best friend” bullshit is really dragging on. I gave it three weeks and nothing has progressed. If anything a huge set back because of recent events. Knowing what “you know”, knowing that “we are best friends” why do I feel like I’m still the one that has to “talk things out”. I’m tired of having to be the “better person” in going to people and telling them my qualms. I have no problem in folks telling me they got some shit that bugs them about me, but what I do have an issue with is if you tell me through text, email, or aim and not in person. So what if you are right and I am wrong, the principle is that I rather have REAL interaction rather than this fabrication of communication through technology. However, it seems clear that this situation is going to stay where it is because the two parties involved can’t find some common ground. I’ve let down my pride many times in the past…now I’m taking a stand for myself.

I can’t help but express this because every day I have to wake up knowing that my current state is uneasy and unhealthy for me. Yet, I proceed in my day as if it doesn’t phase me. I’ve become a rock when it comes to things like these and I am always criticized for doing what I do…”Jar why don’t you talk to him?” “Jar what is the issue?” “Jar why did you do what you did?” Wait…where is the other person in this picture. Theres something wrong obviously and the person who is a part of it is saying little or zero in response to this. My response is “some best friend we turned out to be”. WE. Not you. Not I…WE.

I’m hurt because I’ve done my part in being a friend. I’m hurt because the only person who really should know is the person who is involved in this. YET he still has no clue of what the fuck is wrong. I’m hurt because I felt that the only times that you talked to me was when you had a problem. I’m hurt because I went out of my way to accommodate to you as a “best friend” and it wasn’t close to even being reciprocated. I’m hurt because you can only talk to me through im’s, email, but not in the most simplest form of communication…in person. BEST friend? Why are you scared to just say your peace? And I’m honestly drained because I feel the same as I did when I started. Can’t go forward, can’t go backwards, its just what it is.

If I meant anything to you what so ever, we wouldn’t be where are today. Unfortunately, we are where we are.

Situations got escalated…and well I don’t care whos right or whos wrong…but just that what I am saying is in public viewing for you to stumble on and regardless of how you feel about the situation, that you know my side. A small taste of my hurt.

But to top it all, what hurts the most is my so called “best friend” couldn’t let down his pride for one day for the person he cared for because we weren’t in talking terms. For one day. A definite sign that this isn’t worth you fighting over or me fighting over. It is what it is and the chapter is almost at its end.

This seems to be all sooo dramatic or so cliche in how I am doing this, yet this isn’t for you to understand, but for the one person who is really involved in this to grasp. And like I said, if it so happens that you stumble upon this, then so be it.

But mark my words, though we aren’t in the same boat as we used to be – same page – whatever, know that whatever happens with the person you are interested in, if they end up getting hurt like they did before because of some misunderstanding or whatever bullshit it might be, I will make sure to make it my point to be a part of the situation. I can’t afford her crying uncontrollably because of some guy hurting her.

Until then, my peace with you is my peace – I have nothing left to say to you or to our friends. The talks, talks, and more talks that involve you will slowly fade.

I’m a good person right? I’m not a bitch right? If not, then why do I feel like I’m doing everything all wrong. Why do I feel like I’m the idiot. Situations like these used to be so much easier to handle back in the day…However…this is our fourth year in college…have we learned nothing from our past? I said it before…my group of friends are crumbling before my eyes…things aren’t the way they used to be…the “font” that we used to call…are now just scattered by individuals hanging out with certain individuals and talking about certain topics…blah blah blahhhh.


Where the fuck did it all go wrong? WHERE THE FUCK? How did we all end up staying up late at night talking about the same bullshit that was bothering us the day before? And is this bullshit even worth our breath or our time? RIGHT…ITS NOT…


What the fuck happened to our relationships with on another…folks not being able to talk to their own roommates, best friends loosing each other after so long, love interests too complicated to put in a perfect equation that equals happy, and drama in organizations that is starting to lose its credibility because of certain individuals pride getting in the way.

Is this what 2009 had in store for me? For my friends? FOR US?
Is this what we will continue to talk, talk, and talk more about?
This bullshit…THIS bullshit

5 months from now, a year from now…wont matter…

Keep talking…cause it feeds everyones insecurities about them…and the situation itself….
whatever it is.

March 2, 2009

ilikejoaquin blog#1: The official return of blogs.

Hello world, youtube viewers and subbies, and whomever stumbles across this blog. Today will make the official launch of my blog series for 40 days in observation of Lent. I’ve given up youtube for lent for many reasons, one being that I spend WAY too much time on youtube over other things. However, I feel like I am leaving something important behind for 40 days…my viewers/videos/thoughts – one of the reasons why ilikejoaquin continues to connect folks to different topics. So I am making up for my absence on youtube by blogging here (I do feel my words convey more than my videos anyway). Hopefully, you all will get a different insight on my life and the way I perceive different topics and such.

ilikejoaquin has become more than just an outlet for me, it has become a space to share advice and to reach out to folks who really do need some guidance. Not to say that I am the person to turn to for all your problems, but I can be a resource. It is difficult to weed out those who just want to talk to you just cause they have your AIM from those who genuinely want advice which I don’t mind either. So again, this is the official return of the blogs.

…so it begins…

Lately, giving up alcohol, youtube, and other “connect friendly” websites have been surprisingly easy to give up. It hasn’t been much of a heartache…however soda was -_- ugh. But overall, I’m doing a good job in keeping my fast for lent. Ahhh this season…I love it really. The mass last Wednesday put everything into perspective of why LENT is lent. Its a season to renew our faith through prayer, charity, and fasting. The point of LENT is for us Christians to find our way back to the Lord in hopes that we open our hearts and mind to his wonders. Lent is such a beautiful season that tends to be overlooked. However, this lenten season has been a rough beginning for many reasons.

In a time to open your heart and mind to the Lord, there are some things that get in the way. Something that prevents us from seeing all the great things God has in store for us. These “obstacles” are in the way. I feel that I can’t truly indulge myself in this season of lent because my heart is still heavy with reason. Though we are taught to dig deep in this season to forgive, to make ourselves better, to listen to what the Lord has to say, it is difficult because we are only human and as humans…we tend to have human tendencies aka…bitterness towards people or things.

The way I see it, God has made such a wonderful person out of me these past few years that it has led me to be the person I am today. Yet in recent events, I feel my faith is being tested…

Personal issues with my body has arisen and the fact that I need to be more careful with what I do. It scares me. It does…I only have one shot at life…I can’t continue to fuck it up. And to be honest…I had a reality check this past Thursday. We’ll see what is in store for me…*crosses fingers*

School continues to break me down in many ways. I feel that I have lost that motivation to continue my studies in the area in which disinterest me or that has no concern for me…I just feel like I am doing a poor job at being self motivated to do the work that I know I am capable of…I’m always tired…I’m always doing something that prevents me from being studious. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I have never ever felt this way about school. I feel so ashamed because when I think about how many folks would kill to be in my shoes, I feel like such a disappointment. Its like…I am not doing my best, therefore why I am still here at this university. It all came downhill last semester and is a continuous struggle. This is a new month…I pray that I do better.

My relationships with individuals…group of friends seem to be fading as the days and weeks pass. I feel as though the group I once had is slowly perishing before my eyes. I do feel that these past few weeks have been far from drama…it is drama. Every where I turn I feel as though someone has some opinion about a certain situation, has some bias or input about something. I feel like the friends I have…are slowly drifting into something I am not familiar with. Is it because we’re all in our 4th year and we’re just trying something new for a change? Or is it because we are just …changed?

As sad as I make it sound, its much worse going through it. Who are we? What are we becoming? Why is all this harder than us starting off four years ago. I’m not afraid to lose people because I have already lost some, however its disheartening to realize that this isn’t some TV show where in the end we are all “friends” because we aren’t (its kind of like…bitter sweet right Vince?) But…things are the way they are for a reason.

On the brighter side of things – family couldn’t be any better. If any of my aspect of my life seems to be a wreck, family is not one of them. Lucky to have them, lucky to have my mom, lucky to be able to see them more often. Cherishing my time with family.

“If you don’t take the time to know me, you’ll end up losing me” – Joaquin

As much as I know I’m a great person, I don’t think everyone can see that. They keep talking like they know me…but they sure have no idea. You know…it sucks…you can’t please everyone.

Today was just a roller coaster of emotions…to begin with I didn’t get any acting roles this time around for PCN which…really sucks. I know I did my best. I know I didn’t suck that bad. I guess its just a sign that I need to really focus on school this semester…mmm it just really sucks still…sigh…PCN acting is like a routine for me every spring…and to try out very last minute…mmmm and not get it…it just sucks. I was a little down on myself today about it, but…I do well in self realization.

But, some things I can’t understand…Its Marys birthday today and going to her dinner was well…uneasy because I had a lot of weight on my shoulders. Having said that, I ended up breaking down unnecessarily in the bathroom of yoshi. I was upset, lightweight still am…yet…I feel like me being upset is just a waste of my time. I was sad because I saw the birthday girl…I just don’t want her to get hurt. I’ve seen her at her worst. I just kept on asking myself…if what I did in response to what happened…was appropriate…

…I’ll continue this rant later…fuck it. ERKKKED.