Archive for September, 2010

September 28, 2010

iljb#131: Hate to say this…

Do I feel this way because I feel insecure or do I feel this way because I really do feel this way? I’m evaluating my relationship with D and honestly I’m thinking, if he tells me that he feels he doesn’t deserve me and he says he still needs to work on more and I don’t really see it…its like what am I doing here? I mean I’m so patient and I honestly don’t want to rush folks, but its like…get with it…I ain’t trying to half ass my time with you…and to be honest I feel like you do.

My thing is, you gotta be on your A game at all times or try to be. Its okay if you B it sometimes, but being your BEST and being the BEST at all times makes this relationship work 10x better. Am I making excuses for his short comings? Am I the one who is in fault? Do I really deserve this? Or am I simply settling because its there…

I’m definitely going to ask him, what exactly is he working on and if he feels hes working on it. Last week we were supposed to go to the movies and well we didn’t cause he forgot the tickets at home…I dunno about you but thats stuff that you really need to be on point with especially if its a DATE. Regardless if you have work and shit, thats part of your schedule. It just didn’t make sense, but me being me I let it go…kinda…I was attitudy the whole day…lightweight taking it out on him.

So I need to remind myself I am a 10 and I deserve nothing less than that. I gotta remind myself that I do all these great things for guys that to get in return is not much to ask. I’m not trying to be someone else’s babies mama and I honestly don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I just need communication.

Well I really hate to say this, but I regret saying that I was in love with him…sigh…maybe it was the idea that I loved…and even at that…I had to remind him about the message.

Points to remind myself.

What is he working on? A game forgetting the tickets…small things are big things too.When I’m upset – just hear me out and let me be upset. Paying – something I need to work on.

September 19, 2010

LIKE this…

September 11, 2010

another thought



September 9, 2010

iljb#130: FINALLY I GET TO BLOG

You have no idea how much of a relief I have in blogging right now. Its been a long time since I’ve gotten to just lay out all my thoughts – and this blog isn’t even close to explaining what I have in my head, but I guess this will do for now. Ever since I’ve turned 24, life has just been great, but more busier than I had imagined. Even though I don’t go to school now, I feel as if I am still on the grind. This 40 hr a week working, relationships to keep track, and my sanity to keep has just gotten the best of me …in a good way. I’ve been doing a great job in multitasking and doing what I can to be happy in life. Its crazy how Sept. has just flown in and will slowly fly out…CRAZYYYYY its almost Dec.

Things on my mind

Masters in Counseling, JOB/2nd Job, Dec – Philippines, Relationship/Family, Moving, friends & such, youtube, personal time ME!!!

No Joke – the first two have been eating me up. I’ve been doing lightweight research for my masters, but I now realize I need to really get into it. Seriously its hard when you have a 40hr week and the last thing on your mind is doing research. But I am very determined I tell myself and others each day: COUNSELING. I am going to do just that, I just need a day to do all that and FOCUS.

I’ve been looking at a second job for awhile now and its necessary for me to because I feel as though this one job isn’t cutting it. I am willing to sacrifice my social life for my FUTURE life – feel me. I work hard, but play hard too. I gotta think about my future. But again I need to just spend a day and research. I am so grateful I have a job still unlike some folks who are looking. Post Grad is seriously hard esp if you don’t have a job. But I’m on it…I’m gonna find that job!

Dec is approaching and my trip to the Philippines is coming soon. Its a lot of money and its only for a few days…ughhhhhh =/ I was so excited at first, but when I think about how long I have there its like ugh nm…kinda stressful to think.

RELATIONSHIPS. I finally have a steady relationship with my boy. Finally a man who I am well “LOVE” with. I love him =] and he loves me back. The relationship is worth it and every time I think about it I know I’m lucky. It was our 1 year =] AH haha. Family relationship has gotten stronger. Spending time tomorrow with my mom.

Moving has been on the back burner…and I know I will get back on that hype as soon as I get my expenses on check…EVERY month I’m saving, but I end up spending because I have so much bills to take care of. CRAZY because I take care of myself 99% of the time. That 1% is when I rarely ask my fam for gas, everything else is me. ughhhhhhh sooooo hard living on your own and providing for yourself. When I think about it I bought everything in my room since I was a Junior in College. YUPPP alll me. SIGH

Friends and such…well I’ve been doing the best to hang out and get updates, but as you can see its really not a priority since I have so much other things to think about. I know they’re there for me though. But right now its on a pause.

YOUTUBE…ahh I feel like a disappointment to my fans cause I havent uploaded a recent video and I want to cause I have hella ideas, but I seriously have no time to do it and if I do I end up giving myself ME time instead. I really hope if you’re a FAN reading this that I love you and that I’ll be back shortly…its fucking crazy this life…that I have youtube responsibilities AHHAHA.

PERSONAL TIME…ME! This is where I watch TV, blog, listening to music, and most recently play GODFINGER lol…Its the last thing but sometimes the first thing on this whole list. Its either or…THATS THE BEST and WORST things about POST GRAD…having ME time, but not having it completely.

Alright cutting this short…have a long day tomorrow. BEST

DEUCES

September 3, 2010

Some more things to think about…