Posts tagged ‘family’

January 2, 2011

iljb#142: Day 2 of the New Year

I can’t believe we’re just going through the new year like its nothing – well at least I am. This whole reflection about what 2010 means and what 2011 is going to be has just gotten me thinking a lot. My thoughts are busy trying to figure out what if anything, is the meaning of all that has happened to me from this point in my life. Nonetheless, I’m actually content…eh I lie…I’m okay with how life is…and the biggest reason why I am just okay is…I was in love in 2010.

Today at work I felt like I was keeping myself way to busy by just speeding through the day and just being in “work mode”. Work mode for me basically consist of myself not talking and just doing my job without any rest. So thats what I did. I was shocked myself because I haven’t done this in awhile and well …why start today? Well today…I actually got up on time and got to work on time…so that in itself might have been a foreshadowing of sorts…but still…I feel like I was trying to avoid a certain emotion/feeling during work. Then it hit me towards the end of my shift…I’m heart broken because I was in love in 2010.

I’ve never been in love and I guess I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself that I was/am in love. The feeling that I had with Danny was definitely real and it definitely made me feel good. I’ve been with guys that came close to Danny, but he was just it…he was the guy. But the biggest thing that prevented us from sticking it out is that he wasn’t ready to call me his bf, even when I was ready. I mean common sense says, you don’t wait for anyone and common sense definitely means somethings gotta give…so I gave…and let go. Something I’m so used to.

To interject this blog, I want to digress and speak upon a moment at work that kind of disturbed me and that is catching myself say, “Maybe I should focus my attention on women instead of men.” It was quiet amusing in the beginning because I tried and it was a fail off the bat. I even told myself, “The options are bleak…” haha I convinced myself that maybe if I looked at women…I would find myself wanting and being with a woman…yeahh…you go gay, and you can’t turn back that easily. I guess it was my way of just escaping this lonely feeling.

I couldn’t help but keep my eyes wandering at the eye candy at work that pass by. I mean thats what I usually do. I find a guy thats cute and tell myself that he’s the kinda guy I want or thats the kinda guy I wished I dated. Its like movies…but usually most of the guys I see are white…and I find myself saying I want a white dude. lol…there aren’t that many gay men that roll through the airport…and I just find myself wishfully thinking about what might be in the future.

I wish I could talk to my friends about this, however, none of them are in this current situation or have been in a long time and I feel like trying to relate this topic to them could find myself disappointed with what I hear. So I keep it to myself – only certain times do I open up about it…but overall I haven’t really talked about Danny to any of them to the extent that I want to. I feel like its a done topic…however it obviously isn’t done especially when I have so much to blog about.

I honestly wish that my viewers could take a look at how I think for one day and go through the shit that I have to deal with…it amazes me sometimes to find myself pushing through…even though I am so tired…

Speaking about being tired. I also told myself that I am working my ass off in January because I need to help my brother out/family. I am working not for myself, but for my family. Its a wonderful feeling when you get there to know that you can contribute and provide for your family…and they actually count on you to. I don’t know any of my friends family that expect them to do that now…and I wouldn’t wish that upon them. I am just blessed and fortunate that I do have two jobs that help myself and my family out. I used to be so selfish with my money and I used to not give a cent to my family. Which is expected I guess when you start making your own income. But after 2010, things changed and I definitely find my role as a brother/son much bigger than ever. I have a responsibility.

I tell myself, man you are soooo fucking amazing Joaquin because check this. Your a minority within a minority. You’re gay, who happens to have two jobs, who happens to have a degree, who happens to support his family, who happens to have a unbalance social anxiety within himself, and who happens to be single. HAHA I know, I know, it sounds like I’m trying to make myself come off as unique and fucking amazing compared to all those folks in the “scene”, but ….thats exactly what I’m saying HAHA.

It makes me wonder why I end up with guys who are great in the beginning, but turn out to be the guys who don’t have their shit straight. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t perfect, but I’ve worked my ass these 24 years of my life to be where I am. Nothing was ever handed to me. No one ever helped me through college the way most kids had help. I had to find it and work for it. I am just fortunate to have the experiences that I’ve had.

As Vince likes to put it for 2011, “Know your worth.”

He’s right, I need to remind myself each day. But it just sucks when I know myself what I’m worth, but its been proven time after time others don’t see that just yet. With failed attempts at relationships, each one seemed to have the same reason of why it didn’t work out. They weren’t on my level – and even if I tried to get them there – I didn’t want to change them from who they are…

My horoscope told me not to over think things this year…cause sometimes it will get me into more of a mess than I already am…I’m trying…I really am.

I want to be loved like I was in 2010…but with the right guy this time =/. I find myself rebounding to different things for temporary relief, but I find myself back to where I began…

I’m independent and only I really know how to work it out…trust I will…I just need to get all this out before I do…

I’m about to build my dresser…wish me luck =P

December 31, 2010

iljb#141: Ring in 2011

2011 Overview

Whew! Feel that enormous burden sliding off of your shoulders, like you’ve been carrying around an overstuffed backpack for the last couple of years? That would be Saturn, planet of structures and limitation, moving out of your sign. Congratulations, first of all, on having simply made it through more or less in one piece. You passed through the fire and made it out the other side.

Now, what to do with that spiritual Medal of Honor you’ve earned? Well, for one thing, establish who it is you really are with both yourself and those around you. Your ability to quietly endure both the big and little outrages of life have served you well in the last couple of years, and many of those around you may have come to assume that either it wasn’t as rough on you as it was, or that you are somehow made of steel. In fact, you may have come to the same conclusion yourself. Virgo has a reputation for being able to take care of others with the best of them — but can you turn that same care and attention on yourself? That’s the big question you’ll be facing in 2010.

The good news (beyond simply less bad news) is that there will be all kinds of opportunities opening up for you in new directions as far as fun, recreation and romance. So take advantage of those whenever you can. You’ve earned it!

As much as I look back on 2010 reminiscing about the good, the bad, and everything in between; what I know for certain is that this year had definitely set me up for what is in store for me in 2011. One year from now, when I look back at this blog, I’ll know that 2011 would definitely be the year of wonderful things ranging from the small to the very big. Whatever it might turn out to be, I’ll know that I was prepared to take on 2011 before it even began.

A Summary of 2010
I began with a huge break up in 2010. I was heartbroken and I couldn’t see through the rain. I was devastated with Danny and how we ended things. I ended up rebounding myself on to Andy which was in retrospect was a really bad idea. Another devastated experience came with that and I found myself not understanding what exactly was wrong with me (relationship wise). I had other things I had to take care of, like graduating and preparing to graduate in the spring. With 2009 done, 2010 had a lot of business I had to take care of. PACE, PCN, FilGrad, Project Connect, Kleins…a lot was piled in the few months I had before graduation. I slowly trusted my friends with what I felt and experienced in life by confiding in them with my deepest fears, concerns, and dreams. Somewhere in the middle of the year, I found myself back with Danny, but this time around I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t going to back down from that. I was partnered on youtube (which was amaaazing), and the thought of moving to LA by the end of the year took over.

Graduating and the process leading up to that was worth all the sweat and tears. FilGrad/Directing PCN/& Project Connect contributed to the overall experience that is graduation. I wouldn’t have asked for more and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. I was also told I was going to revisit/re-meet my cousins in a long time. That was definitely an amazing experience because I felt this time around I would make connections without being shy. At that point in my life, I grown fond of family and understanding its root. I also contributed in helping out my sister get her job back. The waiting period was long, but worth the wait. I was experiencing the ultimate high in the summer with Danny by my side and with my friends along for the ride. Socalebration was amazing as usual and made me reflect on how wonderful my friends are.

Entering the fall, I had a lot of dreams and passions that I wanted accomplish before 2010 ended. I searched for jobs online and figured out that it was hard. I had a few interviews here and there and fucked up on a $40,000 salary job, which I didn’t get. However, I had much more respect for myself in letting that get to me. I definitely made it a point to focus on those who are important in my life. My sister finally got her job back and my family’s 3 year struggle would soon end. We talked about heading to the Philippines in the end of the year. Everything in my life turned for the best soon after, when I got a call from Aerotek about a job opportunity. By the end of October, I had a new job that paid well. Post Grad didn’t seem to be so bleak.

November was a time for change. Moving to LA was definitely postponed due to my new job, my relationship with Danny soon would end because I couldn’t handle not being official, and the focus to my family soon became a major priority. Going to the Philippines was postponed, but the experience with my family grew stronger as the weeks passed. I soon became busy due to having two jobs. Refocusing on myself. Dealing with the “break up” was difficult, but I seem to managed. Entering December, I was filled with joy and appreciation of how far I’ve come.

As I write this I look back at a rough start of 2010, but realizing how blessed I am ending with a bang. I couldn’t have asked for more. I have a soon to be permanent job that pays well, my family and I are embarking on getting my brother his job back, and my friends and I are gonna go through another year filled with wonderful experiences. Though I ended this year much like last year with a broken relationship, I can say that I am okay with it and I am better off without one. Though I may want that comfort and that intense love that I had – I can say that I redirected all that love back to my family, friends, and work. I came out on top this year in 2010 and I am every grateful. God took care of me this year when I felt lost and couldn’t find my way. God reassured that I was going to make it on top, but I didn’t know how. Now I know and its amazing.

2010 will be dubbed as the year I grew a better appreciation of the people around me. Redirected my focus on my family and responsibilities. Most importantly, grew more self respect/self worth for myself. There were many instances in 2010 that were bad, but when I sum things up now, those don’t even come to view. The good definitely weighed in more this year than the bad.


What to look forward to in 2011?
I definitely know 2011 will continue to bring wonderful surprises for my family. I am working my ass off to help them get back on their feet. I am working on also bringing back the joy and happiness that was once there. After 3 years of pain, its time to make that all up by helping contribute what I can. I know will make it through 2011 and finally be the family I know we can be.

Relationships with my friends can only become stronger. I know that we’ll have more to look forward to this year, more to laugh, more to cry, more memories to share with one another.

Work will look bright for me. I know because I am working my ass off to get perm. (which I will by the end of Jan). My deli job will help me get that extra income I need. I need to always remind myself how grateful I am to even have a job, let alone two. I am so grateful.

This year marks my 25th year. I can’t believe it! I can not believe it =] Big things for a big number.

REALationships =/ well, I can’t go into 2011 expecting anything because I can’t. All I know is, I will be stronger and wiser with the guys I experience this year. I’m done with playing around, I’m done with just fake ass promises, talk is to easy, and I know through my experiences I can identify all that better. I want to be in a relationship in 2011, but I’m not in a rush to do so. If 2011 brings me my guy, then so be it. If it doesn’t then I’m cool with that too.

YOUTUBE & such, I’m excited to say that I have things in store for my channel – with continued support from folks around the world, I know my channel will continue to help others like it has. I can’t wait for what I bring to the table in 2011. =] This message particularly to those who have messaged me in 2010 through facebook. I want to thank you for trusting me with your life, experience, love, friendship, etc. Thank you for looking up to me, giving me advice, hating on me, giving me something to think about. Thank you for loving me, listening to me, being there for me when I felt no one was. Its a crazy unique experience that we have on youtube. My ROOMIES – you all are definitely a part of contributing to this wonderful year that is 2010. I owe each and every one of you. If you’re reading this, you are the definite few that have touched my life.

So, lets ring in 2011. Its something big, something awesome, something I can’t wait for to happen…The countdown begins =].

2011 Resolutions.
Be authentic
Go and try something new each month
LIVE in the moments
Smile more
Work out more
Appreciate each day
Go to church
Spend more time with family
Stop being “mean”
Save money to move out
Fix my car/or get a new car
Pay my debts
Get perm. job
Be in love again
Run the lake
Take pictures
Write more/poetry/stories
Eat good food
Drink/Happy hours
Spend time with coworkers
Watch good movies
Have a balance of spending
Be a better friend/son/brother/coworker

December 24, 2009

iljb#79: A unso-Merry Christmas

I came home yesterday with the anticipation of being home, trying to not let all the family troubles get to me, but as soon as I got to the living room and I looked at our tree, my mom sadly commented in tagalog, “Aw look at our tree, no gifts this year.” I know its been a rough year, especially these couple of months, but I was looking at the tree and didn’t care what was or what wasn’t underneath. Lets just say it was a lot different from last year and the many years before that. I reflected on my Christmases before and how long it took for our family to unwrap all the gifts, as the years got harder, the gifts under the tree got less and less, and the unwrapping of gifts were prolonged to make up for the lack of gifts. I can’t say that my family was materialistic, we just loved buying stuff and getting stuff for each other…this Christmas truly reveals that family and good food is more important that anything I will ever get wrapped underneath a tree.

I woke up this morning to the conversation of my mom and sister talking about how my brother didn’t get the google job. My mom then went on worrying if it was going to be the same thing when my brother takes his promotion. I didn’t want to wake up to family troubles…I really just wanted to just have peace at home and just pretend everything is ok. Last night my brother was talking to my mom and sister about his promotion, I was barely listening, but my brother commented on his condition expressing to us how he looks like a freak and he feels uncomfortable. He even said that his friend didn’t even recognize him. My sister comforted him saying that he looks fine whereas my mom was saying that she noticed hair growing. To lighten up the mood my brother commented on me saying I don’t even recognize him and that I should give him some of my hair. The truth was…yeah I don’t recognize him…I just don’t know how to act…I can’t even look at him cause I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable with me being uncomfortable. Before we went to bed, my mom repeatedly said to pray for my brother…

My mom has been working her ass off to keep this family alive. With her little motivation and optimism that “everything will be okay, just pray” kinda attitude – she worries a lot. She worries how she’s going to help my brother with finances and his health. How shes going to be able to put food on the table with her social security check plus try to pay for the other bills on top of that. My family is running on two incomes my brother and my mom…thats it. My mom shouldn’t have to worry, but she does…this Christmas she has a lot to worry about…I still can’t get her voice out of my head when she broke down crying, wondering what shes going to do…

My eldest brother like I said is the second one who pays for rent and everything else. He works 5 days a week and then some as a Supervisor of sorts for Frys. He’s been working there for almost 15 years and has yet got his million that Fry’s promises each employee who stays that long. Last month was rough for my brother and my family because he suddenly lost all his hair. His medicines are costly and he still doesn’t know whats wrong with him. We don’t have enough money to find out whats wrong. Hes sick, but hes still pushing through as though he was 100% healthy. I realized that he has a lot on his plate and I don’t blame him for being pissed and unhappy at times – especially now. I’m not sure whats going to happen – but I’m waiting until next month to once again help out the family. I pray he gets better – I know he will. This Christmas – I’m not sure what my brother is thinking, but he is the only person whos gotten the family at least one gift…he really doesn’t have to. =/

My sister, she has been out of a job for almost 2-3 years now. Its been rough because she was the main financial bearer for the family. When my sister had a job, our family had everything. I took advantage of that a lot…I took it all for granted. My sister is super smart and can do anything – she just can’t work. So now shes left being my mothers companion every day – helping around the house, going out for some fresh air, and doing house work. Before, she never did any of that because she was busy working. My sister is religious and well she knows she has to trust God in all this – which she does. I’m waiting for next month to help her get back to the process of everything. Hopefully she’ll have a better 2010. I’ll help her…I need to. She cooks for me and makes sure I have food…this Christmas she has a lot to worry about, but a lot to look forward to.

My second brother is the one who didn’t get the job from google. Hes well qualified and he passed the test, he just can’t work. I overheard my mom saying he was crying when he found out this morning. He had a job a year ago and that Christmas was a little better because of it, but he was laid of months later. He hasn’t found a job since. All he does really is stay in his room…I don’t know what else…he downloads movies and plays video games…but he stays in his room. I feel bad because he really needs a job cause he deserves so much more. I remember he bought the coolest Christmas presents for everyone…he was thoughtful…now – he puts what he can on the table and prepares the food. This Christmas isn’t really starting off great for him after the sad news this morning, but I know he’ll make it out soon…actually…I really don’t know. He’s going to mass with us tonight, like he always does once a year, maybe he’ll pray for something good to come his way.

Now…where do I fit in? I feel like such a stranger here…especially since I don’t live here anymore. I do my thing in SF then come here and its like I’m burden even more. I want to help them, which I’m in the process of doing by taking two jobs next semester, but even that – I don’t know how much more I can stretch myself. I mean shit, I’m graduating next year…its going to be busy. I’m applying for the masters program, I’m going to try to do well in that one class I have next semester, and do all the other extra shit that I always do. PCN is definitely not in my eye sight. I guess…my horoscope was right today, I’m best doing everything solo for now. Out of all my friends, I have it hard, for all my friends they can rely on their family for support or at least something to look forward to. If anything, its the opposite in my family, they look to me for support and hope – which I’m trying my best to do. Thats why I’m picking up work hours – 8 hrs shifts a day – mornings and closing. Even though I don’t want to work – I have to. I wish I could buy my family presents, but from all the money I made – I’m trying to pay off $200 worth of parking tickets (my stupid fault), bills, phone bills, rent, and food! I just have to wait a few more weeks until financial aid…and then it’ll be okay again…but fuck…I’ve had such a hard semester, on top of losing my job, on top of friendships be complicated, on top of my family troubles, on top of loosing my guy interest…

I’m sorry that I felt like I had an UNSO Christmas feeling this whole time…I gotta make my life worth it, I gotta make LIFE happen, I gotta do this even if it hurts me…I leave Dec. 26th – early in the morning for work. At least I get to spend time with my family for two days…at least I have a family.

Its been a hard hard year…I’m been trying my best to look at the bright side of things…but family is first, then me, then the rest of the world – and if my family ain’t doing good – why should I? I don’t think its right…I rather suffer with my family than be happy without them.

Like I said, this Christmas isn’t about the gifts that are or not under the tree – but rather the family and good food that I do have that counts…

2010 will be a lot better.

November 1, 2009

iljb#64: Trouble in the Fam.

“I’ll pay you $200 dollars every month if you lend me $900.”

It seems like all that hard work to get shit paid ain’t enough. I’m trying my best…$900 more? Damn…I’ve helped enough…$2000 dollars out of my own money…now $900? FUCK. I’m barely making it right now because of work…I can only take care of myself…I can’t take care of 4 other people…grown adults for that matter…

Yal don’t understand…its not that I don’t want to hang out…its not that I’m picking and choosing…its just I have way bigger responsibilities than I thought I’d ever have.

“Pray for your brother…hes lost all his hair…eyebrows…lets hope its not cancer.”

How the hell do you take that information in? Shit…I’ve had a scare with my mom with breast cancer…now its my brother? I mean…fuck…I’m out here getting mine…its hard…I’m sad.

I’m not going to school to just get an education…I’m using my financial aid so I can help my family out.

Man…=[ this sucks…this really bites…I gotta hustle more…I gotta keep that smile…
but right now…its hard when I got shit to worry about like this…money….health…

“If your brother loses his job…thats it for us…”

sigh wtf?!?! mann…..=[


August 28, 2009

iljb#46: The Semester Begins…

I think this is an appropriate picture to describe this past week. I can’t believe it my senior year. I can’t believe all these great things have been happening to me. I can’t believe I am so blessed!

After taking the test for the job interview I had for SpaXpress I was worried if I was going to get the job. The lady said I’d get a call. Well I guess today was that call. At first I didn’t get a voicemail message just a missed call from someone. I texted the person back and I got a call back. I was at work, so I checked the message when I went on my break. There it was – the call. When I got interviewed the lady said I’d have to take a test, after that I’d get a call to move forward with the application, then I could start working. That is exactly what Anka, my new manager told me, she told me that I needed to come in on Monday and we’ll start the process.

You should have seen me in the back room, I was jumping and ecstatic. I wanted this job so bad because it was me – I know that this job was made for me. I mean fuck…it says JOAQUIN all over it! Anyway, thats that. I still can’t believe I got the job…I’m still in shock. This is definitely a big accomplishment for me. I feel so good. It feels so right.=]

Addition to the good news, school has begun and each of my classes have interested me to the point where I WANT to do hw. Its crazy. I know this wont be temporary because I really do enjoy the major and the topics presented. I honestly can’t wait to see what the future holds for me. Grad school is just a few months away! After that…its all history! =] I am so blessed. I am definitely blessed.

I was walking to class yesterday and I was stopped by a woman who had a clip board about prop 8. I decided to listen and in the end I ended up donating 58 dollars to the cause. That felt good to me.

On top of that, I’ve opened a couple of new banks so I can allocate my money. So far so good. My bills are paid on time + rent. Things are just wonderful.

The greatest story of this week, aside from my wonderful SoCalebration, is the fact that I was able to help my family financially. Its been long awaited, but the wait is finally over. In a few months …things will look once again bright for my family. Knowing that I was able to help push to that direction makes me complete and whole. I can only see good things for my family.

My mom told me a beautiful story. She told me that last Sunday she prayed to God to help the family financially because they were out of food and necessities. After church she bought a scratcher…she won $500. She told me she was about to cry because God heard her prayers. I am a firm believer in all this. God is good. God is great. All good things happen because God makes it.

I am grateful for my family, friends, job, car, life, finances, school, EVERYTHING and anything that makes all this possible…its crazy…

If I could make a video of all the blessing JUST this past week, you’d be a believer too. I am blessed. I am loved. I am happy =]

August 15, 2009

iljb#44: Family Business & Then Sum…

I just want to say first and foremost that these past few weeks in my life have been amazing and have been life changing. I’ve gained a better outlook on life and have gained a better respect for me. What I mean by respect is that, I’ve really taken care of myself these couple of weeks and it has been amazing. I feel so good and I feel like its well deserved. I noticed that I used to complain about life, tweet FML a lot, and just be really negative. However, with my new attitude, I have definitely cut that from my system and I am more positive and more hopeful for my future.

My list that I continue to write on my notebook keeps getting bigger. I feel so organized for this fall that I don’t think anything can fuck it up but me. I am just so grateful for just being alive and being able to be here with my family.

On to the business.

My mom, sister, and I went to the car dealership once again today (Nissan) to try to get a car. Well it actually was way more faster and efficient today that I almost peed in my pants because I thought I was going to drive out with a new car, however, credit scores affected us getting the car and we ended up going home without one. BUT a lesson that I learned that stuck with me today is to really trust my mom and what she says. Pilipino moms are really blunt and sometimes just rude – example – my mom. She was really haggling with the dude to lower the price of 400 a month to 275. She got 280. At first I was like, “WOW I don’t want to do this anymore.” cause I felt how my mom was doing her business was rude and really just negative from how I saw things. But as she later explained, “Joaqui, I have 30 years of experience, you need to remember that. This is how you get what you want.” I kind of just sat back and pondered at what my mom said. She was right once again. It just bugged me because I never saw my mom haggle and well I guess thats how you haggle…shes fucking good if I might say so myself. But yeah, she taught me an important lesson today – if you want something real bad – you have to work to get it – no exceptions. She was telling the dealer, “Alright, I’m going to give you one last chance take it or leave it 275…wait 280. If you come back and its still 300, forget it!” Thats my mom in business mode. She got what she wanted, she stood firm.

Even though we ended up not having a new car, kind of wasted a sunny day indoors, I had more of an appreciation to my mom in how she wanted to “give me an early birthday present” and even though her tactics to getting what she wanted was annoying to me, she did her best to get the car. That in itself just made me smile and well be grateful I have a mom like her. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I was disappointed, but that “car” issue is the last of my worries. I swear my attitude has just really help me to have patience and understanding.

My brother pissed me off though, his exact words to me last night was, “How you expect to pay for that car when you can’t even pay for dinner.” I was like wow you fucking bitch. But I understand why he’d say such a thing…he’s broke himself. But it just irritated me that fuck I’m getting my grind on up in SF, with a job, and trying to help the family at the same time (SOON) and he has the nerve to say shit like that. Its like, foo you don’t know what I’ve been through these past 5 years since I left for college. I mean fuck, you still think I like anime and call me every time to your room with that “its important” kind of gesture to me. To add, just how he talks to my mom is fucking irritating. Its like no respect man. If I learned anything from SFSU, its that to appreciate your family – my mom most importantly. Its crazy to see how much I’ve changed and how much my relationship to my mom has changed. I reminisce the times where I did talk back to my mom and just yell at her, I sure didn’t know what I was doing – ha I thought I did.

Mothers know best and my mom knows best. It was like a moment in a movie where the mom goes and tells me, “He’s taking it out on me cause he just had a hard day.” I’m like OKAY wow, don’t take it out on you! Shit, I really don’t have a problem with stepping up to my brothers when they disrespect my mom like that. O HELL to the fucking no!

So that basically just irritated me last night, but its ok…he means well.

So I just had dinner with the fam – and well it was nice =] I love them. I had such a great dinner by my brother who pissed me off LOL hahahahahahahah you swear I haven’t eaten for days…ahhhhhhhh :X Anywho … I guess thats all I want to blog about my fam. Shrugs…

August 14, 2009

iljb#43: Wounds are still healing…

The last person I ended up “doing stuff” with kissed (that meant something) was J. I know I must have been some kind of blind fool to have been so on it when he was down, but honestly my intentions was pure and honest. However, one thing led to another and I ended up doing something that I wished I prevented. Didn’t help that I was drunk and he was lightweight buzzed. I did like him, but I didn’t want to get into something serious…just start talking.

But again, I was stupid…he just got out of something serious. How could I have competed with someone who spent their days with J? I had nothing on him – only that I knew how to treat another man right. But that was just it…I wanted to treat J right…but instead I stumbled and fell too quick. I was naive…I know, but after a month having passed, not hearing one word from him, and well leaving last “desperate” sounding text for attention…it does still get to me. Especially with what I ended up stumbling on.

Youtube is such a tease in that, you can see that person, but only see and hear what they have to say…not what you have to say. Anyway, I ended up watching Js youtube and it just struck me…made me question…Are you still with that guy?

Like I said, my wounds are still healing and even though nothing was officially serious…I did open up to him when in the very beginning when we started to talk…I rejected him. HA. How the world turns. I swear.

I’m okay, I am. It just reminded me of him is all. But I will say this, I bought the song that he described to me…everytime I hear it…I think about his past…sigh.

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I’ll blog about it tomorrow, but I came home realizing that I do have a lot of obligations to attend to…some good…some bad…