Archive for December, 2009

December 31, 2009

horoscopes

Year 2010 Overview

Whew! Feel that enormous burden sliding off of your shoulders, like you’ve been carrying around an overstuffed backpack for the last couple of years? That would be Saturn, planet of structures and limitation, moving out of your sign. Congratulations, first of all, on having simply made it through more or less in one piece. You passed through the fire and made it out the other side.

Now, what to do with that spiritual Medal of Honor you’ve earned? Well, for one thing, establish who it is you really are with both yourself and those around you. Your ability to quietly endure both the big and little outrages of life have served you well in the last couple of years, and many of those around you may have come to assume that either it wasn’t as rough on you as it was, or that you are somehow made of steel. In fact, you may have come to the same conclusion yourself. Virgo has a reputation for being able to take care of others with the best of them — but can you turn that same care and attention on yourself? That’s the big question you’ll be facing in 2010.

The good news (beyond simply less bad news) is that there will be all kinds of opportunities opening up for you in new directions as far as fun, recreation and romance. So take advantage of those whenever you can. You’ve earned it!

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December 24, 2009

iljb#79: A unso-Merry Christmas

I came home yesterday with the anticipation of being home, trying to not let all the family troubles get to me, but as soon as I got to the living room and I looked at our tree, my mom sadly commented in tagalog, “Aw look at our tree, no gifts this year.” I know its been a rough year, especially these couple of months, but I was looking at the tree and didn’t care what was or what wasn’t underneath. Lets just say it was a lot different from last year and the many years before that. I reflected on my Christmases before and how long it took for our family to unwrap all the gifts, as the years got harder, the gifts under the tree got less and less, and the unwrapping of gifts were prolonged to make up for the lack of gifts. I can’t say that my family was materialistic, we just loved buying stuff and getting stuff for each other…this Christmas truly reveals that family and good food is more important that anything I will ever get wrapped underneath a tree.

I woke up this morning to the conversation of my mom and sister talking about how my brother didn’t get the google job. My mom then went on worrying if it was going to be the same thing when my brother takes his promotion. I didn’t want to wake up to family troubles…I really just wanted to just have peace at home and just pretend everything is ok. Last night my brother was talking to my mom and sister about his promotion, I was barely listening, but my brother commented on his condition expressing to us how he looks like a freak and he feels uncomfortable. He even said that his friend didn’t even recognize him. My sister comforted him saying that he looks fine whereas my mom was saying that she noticed hair growing. To lighten up the mood my brother commented on me saying I don’t even recognize him and that I should give him some of my hair. The truth was…yeah I don’t recognize him…I just don’t know how to act…I can’t even look at him cause I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable with me being uncomfortable. Before we went to bed, my mom repeatedly said to pray for my brother…

My mom has been working her ass off to keep this family alive. With her little motivation and optimism that “everything will be okay, just pray” kinda attitude – she worries a lot. She worries how she’s going to help my brother with finances and his health. How shes going to be able to put food on the table with her social security check plus try to pay for the other bills on top of that. My family is running on two incomes my brother and my mom…thats it. My mom shouldn’t have to worry, but she does…this Christmas she has a lot to worry about…I still can’t get her voice out of my head when she broke down crying, wondering what shes going to do…

My eldest brother like I said is the second one who pays for rent and everything else. He works 5 days a week and then some as a Supervisor of sorts for Frys. He’s been working there for almost 15 years and has yet got his million that Fry’s promises each employee who stays that long. Last month was rough for my brother and my family because he suddenly lost all his hair. His medicines are costly and he still doesn’t know whats wrong with him. We don’t have enough money to find out whats wrong. Hes sick, but hes still pushing through as though he was 100% healthy. I realized that he has a lot on his plate and I don’t blame him for being pissed and unhappy at times – especially now. I’m not sure whats going to happen – but I’m waiting until next month to once again help out the family. I pray he gets better – I know he will. This Christmas – I’m not sure what my brother is thinking, but he is the only person whos gotten the family at least one gift…he really doesn’t have to. =/

My sister, she has been out of a job for almost 2-3 years now. Its been rough because she was the main financial bearer for the family. When my sister had a job, our family had everything. I took advantage of that a lot…I took it all for granted. My sister is super smart and can do anything – she just can’t work. So now shes left being my mothers companion every day – helping around the house, going out for some fresh air, and doing house work. Before, she never did any of that because she was busy working. My sister is religious and well she knows she has to trust God in all this – which she does. I’m waiting for next month to help her get back to the process of everything. Hopefully she’ll have a better 2010. I’ll help her…I need to. She cooks for me and makes sure I have food…this Christmas she has a lot to worry about, but a lot to look forward to.

My second brother is the one who didn’t get the job from google. Hes well qualified and he passed the test, he just can’t work. I overheard my mom saying he was crying when he found out this morning. He had a job a year ago and that Christmas was a little better because of it, but he was laid of months later. He hasn’t found a job since. All he does really is stay in his room…I don’t know what else…he downloads movies and plays video games…but he stays in his room. I feel bad because he really needs a job cause he deserves so much more. I remember he bought the coolest Christmas presents for everyone…he was thoughtful…now – he puts what he can on the table and prepares the food. This Christmas isn’t really starting off great for him after the sad news this morning, but I know he’ll make it out soon…actually…I really don’t know. He’s going to mass with us tonight, like he always does once a year, maybe he’ll pray for something good to come his way.

Now…where do I fit in? I feel like such a stranger here…especially since I don’t live here anymore. I do my thing in SF then come here and its like I’m burden even more. I want to help them, which I’m in the process of doing by taking two jobs next semester, but even that – I don’t know how much more I can stretch myself. I mean shit, I’m graduating next year…its going to be busy. I’m applying for the masters program, I’m going to try to do well in that one class I have next semester, and do all the other extra shit that I always do. PCN is definitely not in my eye sight. I guess…my horoscope was right today, I’m best doing everything solo for now. Out of all my friends, I have it hard, for all my friends they can rely on their family for support or at least something to look forward to. If anything, its the opposite in my family, they look to me for support and hope – which I’m trying my best to do. Thats why I’m picking up work hours – 8 hrs shifts a day – mornings and closing. Even though I don’t want to work – I have to. I wish I could buy my family presents, but from all the money I made – I’m trying to pay off $200 worth of parking tickets (my stupid fault), bills, phone bills, rent, and food! I just have to wait a few more weeks until financial aid…and then it’ll be okay again…but fuck…I’ve had such a hard semester, on top of losing my job, on top of friendships be complicated, on top of my family troubles, on top of loosing my guy interest…

I’m sorry that I felt like I had an UNSO Christmas feeling this whole time…I gotta make my life worth it, I gotta make LIFE happen, I gotta do this even if it hurts me…I leave Dec. 26th – early in the morning for work. At least I get to spend time with my family for two days…at least I have a family.

Its been a hard hard year…I’m been trying my best to look at the bright side of things…but family is first, then me, then the rest of the world – and if my family ain’t doing good – why should I? I don’t think its right…I rather suffer with my family than be happy without them.

Like I said, this Christmas isn’t about the gifts that are or not under the tree – but rather the family and good food that I do have that counts…

2010 will be a lot better.

December 21, 2009

word

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn’t feel so lost and so frightened
But this is today and I’m lost in my own skin

And I’m so lonely I don’t even want to be with myself anymore

I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again

December 18, 2009

REMEMBER





December 18, 2009

iljb#78: =/

$352 and then some…

Just looking at the debt that I have…I dunno =./ this xmas isn’t look great at all.
I’m just sad because I know once new years kicks in all the hard work I did will all go to rent again…then I’ll have to wait 2 more weeks for another check and my bills will keep coming because I haven’t paid shit…my parking is getting ridiculously high =/ so is my BOA card…shit…

I dunno…I guess its a reason why I’m not doing a lot of things with friends this time around. Its like how can I give to folks if I can’t even give to myself. Yeah know? I’m just struggling everyday to just make it…=/ luckily I got that bonus…but thats all going to bills…

Merry Xmas Joaquin…sigh =/ it makes me sad that this is the 2nd year that I feel this way about xmas, however the first year that I really just don’t care for it…how can I be in a holiday mood if there’s nothing to really be jolly about.

You wanna talk about who has it hard? Shit…come and sit down with me…I’ll tell you ALL about it. =/

BLAHHHHHHHHH

December 18, 2009

iljb#77: Getting back to BASICS

I guess I had to go through the most fucked up month, endure the most hurtful weeks, and take in the days that came to fully regain a sense of myself – who I was before all this was. Remembering the strength I had before he came a long, before fixed friendships, before family drama, before school hit. Remembering the strength I had is something euphoric right now and I’m trying to basque in its memory.

Remember your worth – I kept reminding myself this all through the summer and all through the beginning of school. Since I’ve forgotten that along the way, I now remember why its important. If he don’t like you, can’t handle “this” thing you’re putting out, can’t hang – then shit wasn’t worth the time in the end. Take it for what it is and move on – remembering your worth before 2009 ends is muy importante.

Courage and strength – Remember that you have a voice and that voice is powerful. No matter what may come your way, stand your ground. If you don’t like it – say something. If you’re sad, pissed, depressed, happy, whatever – DO IT and be proud doing it. Not many people will realize this until later on – but you know it now…remember your courage and strength. YOU ARE SUPERMAN!

Forgive – Whatever happened in the past happened for a reason – move on now because life is to short to be wasting on unhappy thoughts. Remember to attain your goal, you must be happy. But you can’t be happy unless you let go of all those negative nancies. Forgiveness is hard, but truth be told, one who forgives is the happiest of all.

Happiness in me – When it comes down to it, you can only rely on yourself and no one else. You can make yourself sad – but you have the power to make yourself happy. DO JUST THAT – be happy and actually BE happy. Things could be worse. Its in you – you just have to find it again.

The basics…I’m realizing that maybe I was ready to settle down…but I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t. I have so many dreams and goals…that I guess if he ain’t there to witness them then shit…I guess it wasn’t worth it. I’ll be okay…I’m okay. Even though its been only 2 days since I’ve talked to him – its been hard…

Mornings aren’t the same…neither are night times…afternoons are dull…eh…but it goes to show I was dependent on him…I gave it my best 100% and I have no shame.

Lets get back…get it all back…

December 15, 2009

word

December 14, 2009

iljb#76: Its harder than it looks.

I guess the day after hurts more than the actual moment. Today was a bit rough – slow start – but nevertheless rough. I couldn’t help but think that I was told, “…for right now, its better that we’re just friends.” I guess…I’m still confused about what that means because the past few months that we did talk…we were friends first – the attraction and affection came second…so I’m not sure what to feel or how to act right now…These confessions of mine are often buried and are often unknown to many, but I’m letting it out right now…because it hurts to much to be kept inside. Its harder than it looks…but I’ll manage…I always do.

It started off with me driving to Emeryville to meet him. I was so excited cause I haven’t seen him for over a month. It was so exciting because I finally was going to see him (I joked around about not being able to remember how he looked like). As I was driving I thought about the first thing that I would do. I would get out of my car, see him, hug and spin him as I say I missed you so much…When I parked…I saw him, I hugged him…but I guess I didn’t get the same in return when I come to think of it. His arms were to his side as I wrapped mine around them…I thought to myself…damn…this is what I get after not seeing you for over a month…I guess – and I figured…after knowing each other for a quite some time now, his PDA worries would have died…I mean…when I’m with him – the world suddenly stops and its just me and him…its been like that since I started to talk to him.

We walked like “friends” into the Public Market trying to find what to eat…I didn’t want to it, but I guess I gave in…we sat down…and I was so flustered for some reason…I didn’t know where my head was at…I guess I was just overwhelmed with him being in front of me…hes so beautiful…his smile…I guess he caught me spacing off and was like, “wtf?”, but I apologized and said I had so much to say that I forgot all of em…he nodded his head like usually.

Before we headed to the movies, we started to make out…It felt so good, but I felt like something was holding him back…I guess it felt like he didn’t want to do it, but I just figured that was just him being him…but we ended up just messing around and for that moment I felt so good that we were together…we were spending time with one another…I just missed his body next to mine. After…I was smiling as I said, “Damn that was hot.” I was so excited cause it was exciting. He on the other hand acted like he did something very bad and was ashamed about it…I asked him what was wrong, but he just replied that he was just tired…He said that the last time something like this happened because something was bothering him…I should have taken note of that…But I genuinely thought he was tired…so we just went on our way. I paid for his movie ticket…he didn’t seem to have any hesitation in letting me, I guess I wanted to buy it for him – even though I should have made him pay…I’m really broke…but I figured – I don’t put limits into the dude I’m talking to…if anything I’ll find ways to make it work no matter what. I’m just thankful he said thank you…last time I paid…he didn’t even say thank you.

We sat down and I started to hold his hand…but I felt like he was being distant…I dunno…I thought that was just him, but…I thought since we hadn’t seen each other he’d be more affectionate…more loving? But he was distant…leaning on the other side of the seat rather than closer to me…even holding his hand seemed like a task…but I guess I let it slide cause I didn’t want to push it…I guess thats just him I told myself…We watched Princess and the Frog and it was a really cute movie…I kept on thinking about him throughout the movie…telling myself…he’s my prince…and I’m so happy that I’m next to him…

The movie ended and we started to walk back to the car. We were conversing about how good the movie was and all that. I wanted to tell him that he was my Evangeline but something inside me told me not to say it…so I didn’t. He told me he needed coffee so we went and got coffee. We roamed around Boarders after awhile…he hit the kids section and he was telling me about how he wants to get a new book for his kids (he takes care of kids). I said why not make your own book and share with your kids what you made. He paused and smiled saying he’d like that. He was telling about this stuff animal that he found and it was a character from Dinsey – similar to Dora – and I was looking at the price thinking in my head that I’ll get it for him since he was so thrilled about it…but I kept that in the back of my head…Christmas is coming up soon right?

So we ended up in the car and he started off with a strange statement, “So how was your day?” and I was like…wtf? Then he followed it with, “So what are you doing.” and I knew then that something was up…I asked him if he had something on his mind…and he said he did. To be honest…my heart was racing because I was excited and scared…is he going to ask me out? He eased the conversation by saying, “So I’ve been thinking…like what are we doing…what are we…where are we going with this…?” My excitement soon turned into disbelief…is he breaking up with me? (too bad we were never together and we’ve only been talking for 3 months as “friends”) He then explained how he feels like since he broke up with his ex a few months back that he’s never felt single…or experienced being single. He was saying that he just hasn’t had that independence.

I couldn’t look at him while he talked to me because my body was shaking inside from the disbelief of hearing what was coming out of his mouth…He was telling me that he likes me a lot and he doesn’t wanna lose me, but at the same time he wants his independence and this chance to work on himself. WORK on himself? I just was in shock…I didn’t know how to react…I was quiet for the most part…He replied…”Please say something…” Well…what the hell do you say after 3+ months of talking and you spring this shit up…Me and him have never gotten into an argument and we’ve been a good couple – something I really cherished…so him saying this is like an unexpected earthquake…shocking…He got emotional telling me that I’m different…I listen to him and I make him feel like he has something to say…He was telling me his ex’s, family, and best friend don’t even do that…It was at this moment that I extended my hand to him…I was trying to not cry and get emotional…I guess be strong for the both of us…

I guess what got to me is the fact that…we mess around earlier…and he nodded saying yeah…he didn’t want to do that…but it just happened…he couldn’t help it…he missed me…He also explained that he wanted to just be distant, but it was hard…He also admitted that when we was rude or being mean to me throughout the time…it was because of his frustration of what he was feeling about our relationship. He didn’t want to drag it any longer…and said that he wanted to meet up tonight to tell me. He wanted to meet me at my apt and hang out instead of Emeryville…but he knew that was a bad idea. He continued saying that he knows he could do better…in treating me right, but its like he doesn’t have his shit together…I guess? I dunno I’m still confused about that…

He said that he just wants us to just be friends…but its like we were friends minus me saying I miss you…so thats what I wasn’t totally upset…he didn’t show affection that much in the relationship…but I thought of that as something we could work on together in the process…he said he knows guys want me and he feels like he shouldn’t be the reason that I shouldn’t pursue them…but its like…I don’t want them…I want you…I’ve wanted you ever since I met you…You’re more than I could ever ask for…it just doesn’t make sense…I don’t want to get to know folks…he was telling me that he doesn’t want me to wait…but its like shit I’ll wait to get your shit together because I know WE work well…He continued saying…I still want to spend new years with you and go to that basketball game with you if you’ll let me…but in my head I’m just like wtf…ugh…its not the same…But at the time I said of course I’d like that…

I reassured him that I’ll wait and agreed if something does happen in our lives…we’d let each other know (if someone else interest us)…but now when I think of it…this situation seems so cliche…its sad…it breaks my heart…couldn’t have have waited AFTER finals was over…Lena said, “guys like that don’t care about shit like that.” I agreed…cause I was like that guy too…this situation reminded me so much of how one year ago I ended it with this guy I was with…for 3 months…WOW…I’m just realizing it…sigh…this was the same place that I actually ended it with that dude one year ago…wow….

I’m slowly realizing this…ha…full circle…the irony…I dump one…and a year later I am the one that gets dumped…

He said to sum it up that we are going to be friends…but friends that like each other…

….

WTF….

I don’t get it because now its making me think that the reasons why…aren’t matching up…I did more that everything for him…been there for him…I did nothing wrong but show him what a true man is capable of being to him…I dunno now…I’m actually hurt…

Tonight he called and I ignored it…it was so hard…but I had to…if he wants to grow…he has to grow without me being there…it just makes sense right? Thats exactly what he wanted and stated…

I’m so lost…I’m feeling like shit…this sucks…but on the other hand I said to myself…things could be worse…

I give my all…genuinely give my all, but it never amounts to the fairy tale ending I want…

Its harder than it looks…

I need your advice on this situation…

How do I be a friend that he likes and give him the space and independence he needs? I like him a lot…I’ve put so much into this…Why did this happen? Is this my own karma? Like that Glee episode…You can’t always get what you want….

SIGH…maybe thats it…I can start my year off right…without someone by my side…cause I’ve made it through a tough year…and I can begin a new one alone….

THIS IS HARD….

ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE….

FUCK….

If I meant so much to him…why do I feel so unappreciated? =/ I guess I shouldn’t wait like I said I would…you let me go…and I guess thats a choice you’ll have to work out…

December 14, 2009

iljb#75: Being Dumped…

I guess it was Gods way of saying, shit you went through hell last month, this thing that I’m about to throw at you ain’t close to shit. Well…so much for having someone during the holidays…FUCK! -_- I feel like a loser…=/

He said hes gotta work on himself…so I’m going to let him…
I just feel sad…we’re on a break…but we were never together…
sigh…=/

I’ve had blind dates
Hooked up with some real flakes
I’ve gone out with church boys, musicians are the worst
I’ve tried so hard
Cus i’m just so die hard
Try my best to play the part
Wish you could see inside

But i wish, for so long
For someone to come and show me, me by example, cus i’ve been waiting
I’ve tried every age
I’m so tired of the game
I wanna be somebody’s girl
Would you show me the way..

I’m sad =/ I got dumped before the holidays…fuck =/

I don’t have time for dancin’
That’s just gonna have to wait a while
Ain’t got time for messin’ around
and it’s not my style

This whole town can slow you down
People takin’ the easy way
but I know exactly where I am going
gettin closer ‘n closer every day

And I am almost there
I’m almost there
People down here think i’m crazy
But I don’t care

Trials and tribulations
I’ve had my share
There ain’t nothin’ gonna stop me now
cause I’ma almost there

I remember Daddy told me
Fairytales can come true
You gotta make ’em happen
It all depends on you
So I work real hard each and every day
Now things for sure are going my way
Just doing what I do
Look out Boys I’m coming through

And I’m almost there
I’m almost there
People gonna come here from everywhere
and I’m almost there
I’m almost there

There’s been trials and tribulations
You know I’ve had my share
But I’ve climbed a mountain
I’ve crossed a river
and e’m almost there
I’m almost there
I’m almost there

I’m too sad to do hw….

December 1, 2009

iljb#74: Final 3

If I’ve learned anything from November its that you gotta keep on pushing till you have no more tears to shed.

To be honest, I’m looking forward to Dec. Not for the fact that its the holiday season or Christmas or the fact that I have 3 more weeks left, but for the simple fact that this month is my month to start over.

I’m slowly getting back on my feet and today at the annex showed what a few steps can do. I’m congratulating myself on my hard work tonight because when I look at all the shit I accomplished tonight – I can honestly say that – no one does it better than me. I work hard. I’m slowly realizing that its me and only me that can get me out of this mess, thats why I gotta keep on pushing myself forward.

I have to thank God for giving me the strength and the energy to barely make November. I honestly feel like that month was a huge nightmare that lasted way too long. But my sweet December is here to finally ring in some new fresh air. (BREATHES) Do you smell that? Its the smell of success…

I’m slowly…day dreaming again. Thats a good thing