Archive for ‘friends’

July 5, 2011

iljb#164: SB48 – California Gay History Bill Headed To Governor

So what is this bill?

The Fair, Accurate, Inclusive and Respectful (FAIR), SB 48 Education Act would amend the Education Code to include social sciences instruction on the contributions of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people.

This is such a HUGE landmark if passed. Definitely something that has been long overdue.

The Bill has been passed through many Committees, most importantly the full assembly on July 6th, 2011 with a 49-25 vote.

Goes to show that the elected representatives in Sacramento HEAR US and see the need for this amendment to be passed in California.

Now its up to the Governor to sign into law

WHY is this so important to adopt?

Well take a look at what happens in schools today. Bullying, harassment, and discrimination (just to name a few) against LGBT students and non. This bill enables us to learn about the LGBT history which is rich, full of stories and experiences that we have yet heard or learned about. I find it narrow minded that some people believe gay history is just about gay sex.

This bill, SB 48, includes and ensure students get a fair and accurate picture of the people and events that have shaped our society, and that fair and accurate portrayals of LGBT people are no longer excluded from classroom discussions. Because if you appose this bill, you’re basically saying that the only RIGHT way, is a heterosexual way.

Ultimately, I hope in the long run, this helps prevent the perpetuating stereotypes about gay people. Do we want to venture and talk about what straight people do? Nah, we already see that in the media and in magazines. LGBT people are just like everyone else, were not different.

The more societies learns about the contributions of the LGBT community, the better the dialog and understanding about what it means to be a part of the LGBT community…however a dialog is rarely even started

To stress about the contributions and history of the LGBT community in California and in the world, well its just not saying enough.

THIS part of our history, culture, lifestyle, but is virtually non-existent. Its as if GAY PEOPLE don’t exist in the world…well at least not in textbooks.

Some Facts

Schools that have included LGBT discussions have been positive, statistics show that only 11% of students reported bullying, but the number doubles to 24% if students say they haven’t learned about LGBT people.

Statistics also show that in 2003, students who have learned about LGBT people at school were more likely to feel they have a voice.

In 2004, 359 CA shcool districts already have LGBT inclusive curriculums, more than 83% report including LGBT issues in their lessons for some or all hs students, 64% do so in middle school, and 54% do so for elementary. This has probably increased as the years have passed. From personal experience, I know that these facts are legit, I’ve experienced this myself. But who cares right?

I was reading the article about SB48 and was disturbed by two representatives, who happen to be republicans. The first, Assemblyman Tim Donnelly.

Just take a long at his website – I find it hard to like the guy if all he talks about is money and not enough about education. He has strong feelings about the “homosexuality agenda” stating “I think it’s one thing to say that we should be tolerant,” Donnelly said. “It is something else altogether to say that my children are going to be taught that this lifestyle is good.”

So you’re telling me, you’re kids don’t have a brain to decide what lifestyle they choose? Shame on you Mr. Donnelly for being so closed minded. How did this guy get into office?

Second, theres Assemblyman Chris Norby, who like some opposed to the bill, agree that such instruction would further burden an already crowded curriculum and expose students to a subject that some parents find objectionable.
Again, you act like your children don’t have a voice themselves, or brain for that matter to decide how they want to live and what to think. You have already done it for them. Take a look at this guys website all he cares about is getting Ca. its money and not enough about education. I think I know what this guys agenda is.

The bill’s author, Sen. Mark Leno, a Democrat, states “Bottom line, it’s only beneficial to share with students the broad diversity of the human experience and that our democracy protects everyone,”

At least we know there are, not just some, but a lot of people in Sac that have a brain and common sense. Again, the Assembly passed this bill 49-25…Now who are those 25? 😉

Now theres also the side that does oppose this bill, so I invite you to read what they have to say. Personally, I think its bullshit and I can’t believe we have people in high office dictating the future of our kids…SHAME. How are these people in office?


Nevertheless the Links will be down below.

Some churches and conservative family groups warned the bill will drive more parents to take their children out of public schools.

I’m sorry, but I went to a catholic school and honestly I felt like it sheltered me from the real world. Parents who would take their children out of public schools if this bill passed are basically lying to their kids saying that LGBT people don’t exist. Secondly, CHRIST LIKE? Really now? To pass judgment on a particular group and condemn them is definitely not CHRIST LIKE. End of discussion.

Take a look a the links below, its very helpful to get a better idea of this bill and again why its important. We need to be educated with such topics and know whats out there. Really, decide for yourself, don’t take my word for it.

On a side note, personally, being an Asian American – the history of Asians in this country in textbooks are rarely talked about or its barely written. More so, Pilipino History is barely talk about or discussed. And trust yal would be like WTF you guys did that, if yal knew.

It wasn’t until college that I learned about my roots and gained a better understanding of who I was as a Pilipino American. What a shame that I had to wait until college to learn about who I was.

I wish this kind of HISTORY would have been taught when I went to elementary school…I probably would have been more proud than ashamed.

Likewise, growing up not knowing about the LGBT community, what certain terms were, me thinking of suicide in hs, bullying, harassment, again just to name a few…if I had a resource in school, a dialogue about what it meant to be gay, a part of a beautiful community. I def. feel that I would have been more proud to be who I was instead of hiding who I am.

This bill, I believe would ultimately help those who are questioning themselves or who know nothing about the LGBT experience. Its about time.

Because

No History
No Self

Know History
Know Self

Lastly, on a different issue, but closely related. if you are a representative, or in government, or in any high place and you’ve done a video that contributes to the IT GETS BETTER PROJECT, and you are still on the fence about gay marriage, I feel like its either you support us or you don’t. Stop letting your party dictate what you know is right. I rather have a representative be firm with their stance on the issue, rather than have someone be 50/50 about it. The only person that loses is your self and your dignity.

 

California Gay History Bill Headed To Governor

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YES, this video is PRO SB48 (with good reason).
YES, this is important in schools
YES, this matters
YES, people have really become more close minded than I thought

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Our world needs to REEDUCATE ourselves about what it means to be a part of the LGBT community. Instead of spending HOURS commenting negativity, sit down with someone whose a part of that community and LEARN something. Religion aside, LGBT history has made what you know today YOUR AMERICA. People who pass judgement on the LGBT community has learned nothing from histories past and continue perpetuating what our FORE FATHERS fought for – EQUALITY.

By learning about this history, does not MAKE YOU GAY, YOU CAN’T MAKE anyone GAY, but knowing the PEOPLE in this world that exist is a right that should not be taken away from ANYONE

IF YOUR AMERICA continues to breed HATE against the LGBT, your AMERICA will soon become an AMERICA you no longer will truly be proud of.
THE CHANGE is IN YOU! MAKE a EDUCATED decision and CRITICALLY think about the WORLD you live/want to live in for you and for YOUR KIDS.

**************

SAMPLE LETTER IN SUPPORT OF SB48
http://www.eqca.org/atf/cf/%7B34f258b3-8482-4943-91cb-08c4b0246a88%7D/FAIREDUCATIONACTSAMPLESUPPORTLETTERFINAL.DOC

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CONTACT THE GOV.
You may contact Governor Jerry Brown by mail at:
Mailing address:
Governor Jerry Brown
c/o State Capitol, Suite 1173
Sacramento, CA 95814
Phone: (916) 445-2841 
Fax: (916) 558-3160

http://govnews.ca.gov/gov39mail/mail.php

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The Articles about SB48
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/05/california-gay-history-bill_n_890846.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003
http://news.yahoo.com/california-lawmakers-pass-bill-teach-gay-history-012938470.html

First off I’d like to say the comments on yahoo are very disturbing, this is our America? It makes me ashamed to call this a part of me being AMERICAN.

SOME COMMENTS FROM YAHOO…

“Andre about an hour ago Gay History? What the heck is that?”
“Corey 2 hours ago I am gay. And this is silly. I don’t need “gay history” or “gay pride month” or any other PC, liberal nonsense. Just let me have my rights, and I’m happy. If you want to throw in “By the way class, one little known fact about X is that he may have been gay,” that’s fine. But all this does is waste time and money, and it divides us further. Seriously, give me a break…”

“Me 51 minutes ago Time to put your kids in private school”
“K C about an hour ago This could well be the most absurd, insane, ridiculous and IDIOTIC thing I’ve EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!”

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The Representatives
Tim Donnelly
http://www.donnellyforassembly.com/principles/
Chris Norby
http://arc.asm.ca.gov/member/72/?p=bio
Tom Amianno
http://asmdc.org/members/a13/biography?layout=item
Mark Leno (One of my sources)
http://dist03.casen.govoffice.com/index.asp?Type=B_BASIC&SEC=A5A9B2D9-63C6-4859-96A2-0E62A794E30D

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The Bill Introduced (One of my sources)
http://info.sen.ca.gov/cgi-bin/postquery?bill_number=sb_48&sess=CUR&house=B&site=sen

FAIR Education Act: SB48 Information
http://www.eqca.org/site/pp.asp?c=kuLRJ9MRKrH&b=6451639
Protect Our Kids Foundation Information: Opposed
http://www.protectkidsfoundation.org/?page_id=1356

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June 21, 2011

cannon ball

May 28, 2011

iljb#161: SUMMER 2011 RESOLUTIONS





Make the most of summer, make sure that I do me and make sure that I put myself first and my happiness first before anyone (depending on circumstances). Never will I put what I feel second to please someone else. Never will I do, say, go out of my way for someone to like me. People will like you for who you are, not what you front.

I want to take care of myself better. Be more healthier and continue to work out. I want to make sure I go see a physician for my back before summer ends and make sure that I take care of my over all well being.

I want to get everything in my apartment by the end of summer. I want a TV, a kitchen table, and mini chairs for my apt. I want to make this feel like home and not some place I just sleep in. Its slowly turning out great.

I want to make sure that I save money – spend less on food, and save more. I’ve done a lot of saving in the past few months, given my money out to folks/family/friends…now its time to really save for myself.

I will not have sex with a person this summer just to have fun. Starting today, I will make sure that anyone (which is no one lol) who wants to get it in, I will make sure that I don’t just FUCK to just have fun, but fuck because we’ve known each other for awhile…lol smh…so its gonna be a dry summer huh? LOL

I will do my best to keep a smile on my face. I will do my best not to let my mind get carried away with small things and letting them get into my head.

This summer I want to build a stronger relationship with myself.

2011 has blessed me so much for myself and my family that I know theres more to come. I am grateful, I just need to continue to remind myself why…

– Graduated
– Full time Job
– Lives on my own
– Drives
– <3ing family
– <3ing friends
– bright future ahead (just need to take it one day at a time)

I need to stop worrying about whos not in my life…being single is and should never be an issue.

These past two days…I dunno if its just my mini depression kickin in…or if I'm just tired…
Whichever it is…I gotta get out of this rut.

May 17, 2011

iljb#160: MOVING PAINS


I’m not trying to please anyone, for awhile now, I’ve been making sure I please myself – do me, make sure to count on myself because in the end its my life and I can only count on myself to make this life count.

Its been so hard – feeling uncertain that my check for the 27th will be enough…I dunno if any of this OT will do any good…I feel like all the OT is not gonna add up…at least for this coming check…As much as I have this “money comes and goes” attitude…I need to be more careful with it, esp. these coming weeks. ITS def. become more evident that even though I have everything in life that I’ve worked for – that I really need to start being careful with it.

These past two days I’ve only eaten one meal…starving myself just to save a few bucks until Friday…sounds real stupid right? I feel like these couple of weeks I’ve just been temporarily doing things to help me avoid my feelings about certain things. These temporary highs…look at where its gotten me…

FUCK gas is so expensive…

This week has definitely come…and I feel like I fucked myself over…Friday is a fucking mess…with Vince’s grad, moving, then Sters bday. Saturday I plan to do OT and attend Sters bday lunch. Then Sunday is FilGrad…o man…so how do I do laundry and go to UC before all this? Counting on myself for all this…sigh…I understand how people have certain priorities in life…and are busy…I know the feeling. I try and do my best, the best I can at that moment, to be there for folks…even when shit in my life is so jumbled…but I don’t feel I get it in return…thats expecting too much…and I’ve learned expecting things from people end up in big disappointments.

I’ve spent a lot of time with family recently…I feel good…its nice being back home…I feel like I learn more about my past than I have in previous years. My family is being blessed month by month with all the blessings God has recently given my family. My faith in God is slowly strengthened each day…I pray that I can be a good Christian and put my faith in him with all my problems…My job, I feel like I am so lucky to have the job that I do have – I’ve been working my ass off to just make it this month and next month…its been hard…I’ve been tired. As far as my friendships…they’re there…I just can’t fully give my all to them right now because I’m so occupied with all this moving and feelings I have…they know this cause I’ve said it to them. It doesn’t mean I care less about them…I just am taking care of myself because if I don’t I’m going to fall hard. Can’t give my 100% to others, if I can’t even do that for myself.

I feel ok…I feel hurt…these few weeks were definitely a roller coaster ride…I talk to myself a lot these days…

I’m moving…it hurts…its happening

May 8, 2011

iljb#156: If these thoughts could talk…

















The time for me to fly is now…so let me fly…

February 12, 2011

Couldn’t help but remind myself

February 11, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE

First and foremost, I must say that I am proud of what I am creating on youtube and on this wordpress. I feel as though its really integrating my videos and a little more explanation to why I did that video. I like it, I’m really doing it yal – like I said I would. I’m excited and its going to be a slow process, but I am doing my best in keeping my word about what I said I would do this year with youtube. I’m giving you roomies more of me than I have in past months and its all me…100%. I appreciate all the continued support, questions, subscriptions, etc. ITS HARD WORK, but its all worth it in the end. I just wanted to just do this side note before I begin ;).

So this was definitely something I wanted to do for a long time now. I haven’t written poetry for about 2 years and it saddens me because poetry was my life – my outlet…when I was hurting this past year, I didn’t even use poetry to help me understand my emotions…shows how disconnected I have become to my words. Doing this hopefully will give me more inspiration to do more of this, work on it better, and become that writer I know I can be. Speaking of which, I miss my ILDD on wordpress. Search it and you’ll find a short series of stories. I’m gonna plan to do that as an addition to wordpress. So excited. I have so much creative juices flowing that I can’t wait to execute all of them ;), but remember I have a full time job and one me doing all this – I truly need an assistant haha.

SO this video was about not wanting a superhero – in a sense – not wanting to be saved by someone. We don’t need saving from anyone, we are perfectly fine saving ourselves. We’re strong and have hidden powers ready to burst. Like Katy Perry sings, “BABY YOU’RE A FIREEEEEWORKKK!” :D. I just got inspired with the word superhero and probably going to add a more legit poem and expand.

Ahh what a soso Friday…let my Saturday start off right 😉 I did laundry already, so now I can fully enjoy the sun =]

February 10, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE

Man I’m so fucking irritated with Patrick. Fuck this bitch. FOREAL. I mean, what happened to the guy I dated back then? Shit that guy…wait…he’s still the same…a big reason why I had to break up with him. He couldn’t hold a conversation and he’s said it himself. He’s not on my level and I definitely do not tolerate that kinda shit. If you not on my level, oh well…its not that you’re a bad person, but you’re just holding me back…and I’m not trying to have that.

So he had the nerve to ask for a fucking favor. LIKE are you joking? You have not once really talked to me or said hey lets kick it…its always been an idea. Its like bitch, step yo game up! YOURE A FUCKING AMAZING GUY, I know it…but you lack everything/potential…because you’re so lame. Well you’re lame towards me. I feel like you can talk to anybody …but when it comes to me you get all shy and shit…I know I’m intimidating but helllllo its me! I ain’t gonna take anymore excuses, been doing that for hella long…its time for me to just really put my foot down. As much as I would have wanted to say yes you can stay over, I just couldn’t let myself do that. AND if I did say yes…at what time would he come over? What time would he leave? Am I suppose to entertain him? Sorry, but where were you the past couple of months…exactly…

I hate when folks come in and out like that as if its okay. Or as if nothing has changed…its like bitch NO! You can’t just fucking do that! You’re fucking lame, lame, and again LAME! mmmm I had to do this video cause it irritated the hell out of me! UGH, favor…WTF I GUESS

January 30, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


I’m super excited about the GAY SERIES this time around…in particular this segment. I think I’m going to keep it short just to keep yal in suspense. lol even though its not hella cray cray, but it makes you want to know more. ;D haha So I hope yal enjoy

January 30, 2011

iljb#153: Too Fun SO Fun


I’ve just started to play Miguel’s album for this lovely Sunday morning. Its a really good album, no joke. (BIGGGG SIGH) What a night huh? haha I was sluttin it around with hella girl, esp my adings. HAHAH I love it cause they’re funny…I’m funny when I’m on one. AWWW Bryan hella took me out and I didn’t even get to hang out with as much just because I kept loosing him and he doesn’t know my friends and I don’t know his, so it was so awkward haha. BUT I did make it a point to give him attention, so I tried to do my best, but I couldn’t help but go back to my adings because they kept pulling me back to them. AHAHAH too funny =]. I enjoyed my 3rd day of my first weekend! AHHH, yesterday I got to spend time with my family down in embarcadero at Butterly. It was good and a nice view of the bay…well it woulda been nicer if it wasn’t foggy. BOO! But yeah I enjoyed my time with my family and I really feel like …we can all have a conversation with one another and I’m included. I dunno just because I never felt I could talk to them, but I was able to talk to my brothers about jobs, phones, and everything in between. It was nice. Yesterday was nice too cause lol I went shopping. LOL ughh…I spent a shit load yesterday…but its all good, I deserve it…its my way of saying you did the fucking thing this month in getting hired, efff it…go enjoy your money! ;D haha SAVING will be Feb, foreal foreal =]. Anyway, Ima enjoy the rest of my WONDERFUL sunday. =] Have a goooood one to whoever reads this. haha.

January 29, 2011

iljb#152: So what you know about that club?

It was super nice to finally have my first weekend since 2005. A REAL weekend in which I don’t have work. THANK GOD! 🙂 I now have a full time job of which now I am permanent! AHHHHH I worked my ass off to get here and I can final reap the benefits and so to begin I went out with the roomies last night 😉

I have not said ROOMIES in a long time, I guess its taken me this long to accept that its time to let go of what was and move forward with what is. Take this time to enjoy the moments with my roomies esp. Eric. I’m glad we’re slowly talking and slowly hanging out…oh Virgos. Thank you drunk nights that begin everything ;). I saw JP last night too and to be honest I couldn’t help but let go of what was and just enjoy his presence. Of course its not gonna be ALL good right away, but if anything that was GOOD last night happened, that was def. one of them. I haven’t talked to him for over a year and half? Something like that. So it was nice and if you happen to read this UPDATE JP, I’ll be waiting for that tweet. 😉

Other than that, I was not AS drunk as I wanted to be, buzzed yeah, but I was too aware of what was going on with GAY people around me and couples and blah blah blah…I couldn’t help but revert to emo mode…I was looking at the cute guys (hahaha looking at blurred cute guys cause I didn’t have my glasses) and I couldn’t help but ask myself…when am I gonna have fun again…when am I gonna stop feeling like this. Maybe I’m not used to clubs as much, esp. straight ones, but I’m goning to Minna tonight so we’ll see how that goes. 😉 – NEW OUTFIT PAAALEASE! haha.

Anyway…I gotta go…maybe write more later.

Last night was the beginning and end of a few things. Good end to Jan.

January 18, 2011

iljb#150: EPIC RELEASE

Before I reign in my new idea for my youtube, I decided I was going to prep before I do. I’ve been meaning to change a couple of things and be consistent with what I do on my channel. I still haven’t really had the time to sit down and plan it but my idea is that M TH S would be my video posts, Wed would be for wordpress and T Sun would just be free for me to just rest. Maybe Sun could be reply back Sunday lol. I dunno.

I know I really want to integrate my wordpress into it and also twitter…maybe Twitter Tuesdays? I dunno. But I’m glad I made the decision to debut stuff on the 24th. I was pleased with my mini trailer I made. It was so EPIC haha. But really, I want to start doing videos like I used to, esp. my gay series that I have neglected. I’ve done at least 30 gay series things…I wanna make an effort in really doing more. Also, replying back to my subscribers. I got this lady on FB msg me, thanking me for my videos that helped her. I am so blessed and fortunate to get these folks who msg me and take their time to msg me. I just feel really bad that I don’t get a chance to reply as soon as I’d like.

Shit thats what I need an assistant LOL. I want to like recruit my roomies to be an assistant. I think it could work too. 😀 haha. But it needs to be a roomie that I trust =P cause you know how that is lol. I really want to meet my roomies to or chat with them face to face. I do better with face to face rather than see their sn or something. I dunno…we’ll see…

I’ve been overworking myself…I did like 11hrs today and in a few hours I’ll be back doing another 10 -_____-. This is my weekly life 10hrs at work lol…fuck…it really is busy at work though =P womp…

SIGH…I got to do some videos today that I will hopefully edit soon, all of em happen to do with the GAY series…its nice =]. I wanna just relax…I don’t wanna get sick 😛 womp.

My car has been acting up…but nevertheless I’m grateful to even have a car =].

Oh and I totally enjoy this guy

January 16, 2011

iljb#144: After the rain…

Its been raining for a couple of weeks now and its only yesterday that the sun came out to play. I’m looking outside my window and I think the sun will be staying for a few more days. Funny how it does that…you’re freezing one minute then hot and bothered the next. This upcoming week is going to be great. I’m starting off right too by taking this personal day off from my hectic schedule. I guess I have to do “me time” every once and awhile, I mean if I don’t I’m going to be a hermit crab who’s really cranky all the time…then again I find myself like that to begin with haha. Since last night, I’ve began my “me time” in which I just do me. I tried to do a video, but I seriously failed at doing one. Maybe today will be better for a video. I have about like 7 videos that I haven’t posted because I’m too lazy to edit and I find myself just rambling. lol.

But I enjoyed my night last night because I actually fell asleep while watching finding nemo. Why is this a surprise, because I usually am not that tired and it felt nice to be that tired while falling asleep to a good movie. I woke up this morning and finished the movie – I ended up tearing up because it was a bitter sweet ending to Finding Nemo. Also, I was thinking about how I want to be a dad so bad and I probably would be like that to my kid. This was around 8:30sh…it is now 11am and I have yet gotten ready for the day. I’m supposed to go do laundry and hang out with family today. Pretty chill…Then the day ends with pretty little liars of sorts…and then sleep to wake up to another week of work. I can’t believe January is almost done…boy doesn’t it feel like the new year is just speeding by.

For me, I find life speeding by because I don’t ever have a break to just enjoy it like today. Its so rare. I even told my coworker yesterday that I’m about to quit this deli job, but she said hang on because its gonna close anyway…so I’m like torn…but shes right…I gotta hang on. I’m really fortunate to be where I am and I know I’m reminded of that each day I wake up. I have a wonderful life, with good people around, with a great job to support me. I guess after watching my cousins video, it reminded me that I shouldn’t be putting myself out there in the dating scene just yet…I mean I need to really be single single…which I haven’t done. But ain’t that always the case…I say this speech “I should be single” then find myself crushing on someone and being in a dating scene.

I guess you can’t help that, you know…it just happens. I think I’m coo off relationships right now because I rather live through other peoples relationships through movies/music videos/songs because at least I wont personally get hurt, but I can definitely feel happy for them and have a wishful thinking mindset.

I remember when I wrote a blog about my ideal guy…I think I might have to do that again…I couldn’t help but remind myself of my love – Danny the other day…I mean he really is so much a part of my year in 2010…I spent a lot of time with him and I feel all of that is just missing…I’ll get over it…I just can’t believe I am really that FUCKED that I can’t get over it. Then again I was thinking about Andy and Jimmy too…*rolls eyes* Those looks can kill, but they definitely don’t compliment where I am in my life.

WHERE am I in life? After the rain? I think its safe to say that the sunny weather and week ahead is a good foreshadowing of where I am in life…I’m ready to move on…move forward. Look at my future as one to cherish, love, enjoy. I have one life to live and I can’t spend it wasting away thinking about Danny – though I wonder what the hell he is thinking…how he is…if hes dating…ha…I wouldn’t be surprised…but let it be known for the record…no guy can do what I done for him….welll not someone soon at least LOL haha =]

Anyway…I should get ready for my day…super hungry and I don’t know where my family is -____- womp.

January 9, 2011

iljb#143: I try to say goodbye but I choke…

I’d like to think that all this crying and all this thinking well end up in me being over him. I think yesterday was just what I needed. I don’t usually go out, but I ended up going by myself to the castro for a mini happy hr. It was cool for what it was, couldn’t stay out late because I had work the next day, but for what it was …it was cool. I ended up driving and feeling sad, but okay…while doing a video LOL haha. Amazes me, but honestly…I was just fed up with feeling like I don’t have any answers to what happened to us…so I decided to text me…actually not even, call him…

I called him twice and I got a text back saying, now is not a good time, but maybe next time or some shit. I’m like foreal? This isn’t me wanting to hang out. I just wanted to know what happened to us…why it all fell apart. MY FIRST LOVE. YES, and I have so many reasons why I go back to the subject. Many of my friends will tell me move on, a lot of you who read this will be like hey wtf why are you trippin on this guy…but none of you will ever understand that chemistry we had. I mean seriously, I worked my ass off to be where we were…and I had to be the one that had to go. I mean when I look back at it, I feel like if I didn’t I woulda been eaten up with not doing what I said I was going to do. At that moment(s) I wanted to be authentic with myself…

This past week was just hard in general…and leading up to it was just tiring…I found myself drinking…I found myself in awkward situations…I found myself loosing myself in the moment and wondering what the hell is going on. I told myself that my friends, as much as they want to be there for me, or try to understand…wont understand what it feels like to be gay…to have to be someone you’re not at times…to pretend…to find love…to not be ashamed…These motions just fill my head with thoughts about life and what the first of the month has already brought.

I’ve been wanting to do a youtube video, outreach to those who have messaged me on youtube/email, but honestly I wanna give my 100%, but I can’t right now since I’m dealing with all this…I really think it got to me yesterday when my coworker reminded me about the 6th…our anniversary…(but we were never together…) I started to replay the first date, the first of many things, conversations, talks…it seem to just fade as one disappointment led to another…

I cry when I watch movies because its an easy way for me to let out how I really feel. In love I was…and the heartbreak still remains…I’m trying my best to take my mind off it…and move on…but I feel doing that makes me escape the situation even more…Because I’m so busy…I don’t have time to just let myself grieve about the situation.

I’m okay…I will be…I just gotta get through all this day by day…we’ll start tomorrow.

January 2, 2011

iljb#142: Day 2 of the New Year

I can’t believe we’re just going through the new year like its nothing – well at least I am. This whole reflection about what 2010 means and what 2011 is going to be has just gotten me thinking a lot. My thoughts are busy trying to figure out what if anything, is the meaning of all that has happened to me from this point in my life. Nonetheless, I’m actually content…eh I lie…I’m okay with how life is…and the biggest reason why I am just okay is…I was in love in 2010.

Today at work I felt like I was keeping myself way to busy by just speeding through the day and just being in “work mode”. Work mode for me basically consist of myself not talking and just doing my job without any rest. So thats what I did. I was shocked myself because I haven’t done this in awhile and well …why start today? Well today…I actually got up on time and got to work on time…so that in itself might have been a foreshadowing of sorts…but still…I feel like I was trying to avoid a certain emotion/feeling during work. Then it hit me towards the end of my shift…I’m heart broken because I was in love in 2010.

I’ve never been in love and I guess I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself that I was/am in love. The feeling that I had with Danny was definitely real and it definitely made me feel good. I’ve been with guys that came close to Danny, but he was just it…he was the guy. But the biggest thing that prevented us from sticking it out is that he wasn’t ready to call me his bf, even when I was ready. I mean common sense says, you don’t wait for anyone and common sense definitely means somethings gotta give…so I gave…and let go. Something I’m so used to.

To interject this blog, I want to digress and speak upon a moment at work that kind of disturbed me and that is catching myself say, “Maybe I should focus my attention on women instead of men.” It was quiet amusing in the beginning because I tried and it was a fail off the bat. I even told myself, “The options are bleak…” haha I convinced myself that maybe if I looked at women…I would find myself wanting and being with a woman…yeahh…you go gay, and you can’t turn back that easily. I guess it was my way of just escaping this lonely feeling.

I couldn’t help but keep my eyes wandering at the eye candy at work that pass by. I mean thats what I usually do. I find a guy thats cute and tell myself that he’s the kinda guy I want or thats the kinda guy I wished I dated. Its like movies…but usually most of the guys I see are white…and I find myself saying I want a white dude. lol…there aren’t that many gay men that roll through the airport…and I just find myself wishfully thinking about what might be in the future.

I wish I could talk to my friends about this, however, none of them are in this current situation or have been in a long time and I feel like trying to relate this topic to them could find myself disappointed with what I hear. So I keep it to myself – only certain times do I open up about it…but overall I haven’t really talked about Danny to any of them to the extent that I want to. I feel like its a done topic…however it obviously isn’t done especially when I have so much to blog about.

I honestly wish that my viewers could take a look at how I think for one day and go through the shit that I have to deal with…it amazes me sometimes to find myself pushing through…even though I am so tired…

Speaking about being tired. I also told myself that I am working my ass off in January because I need to help my brother out/family. I am working not for myself, but for my family. Its a wonderful feeling when you get there to know that you can contribute and provide for your family…and they actually count on you to. I don’t know any of my friends family that expect them to do that now…and I wouldn’t wish that upon them. I am just blessed and fortunate that I do have two jobs that help myself and my family out. I used to be so selfish with my money and I used to not give a cent to my family. Which is expected I guess when you start making your own income. But after 2010, things changed and I definitely find my role as a brother/son much bigger than ever. I have a responsibility.

I tell myself, man you are soooo fucking amazing Joaquin because check this. Your a minority within a minority. You’re gay, who happens to have two jobs, who happens to have a degree, who happens to support his family, who happens to have a unbalance social anxiety within himself, and who happens to be single. HAHA I know, I know, it sounds like I’m trying to make myself come off as unique and fucking amazing compared to all those folks in the “scene”, but ….thats exactly what I’m saying HAHA.

It makes me wonder why I end up with guys who are great in the beginning, but turn out to be the guys who don’t have their shit straight. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t perfect, but I’ve worked my ass these 24 years of my life to be where I am. Nothing was ever handed to me. No one ever helped me through college the way most kids had help. I had to find it and work for it. I am just fortunate to have the experiences that I’ve had.

As Vince likes to put it for 2011, “Know your worth.”

He’s right, I need to remind myself each day. But it just sucks when I know myself what I’m worth, but its been proven time after time others don’t see that just yet. With failed attempts at relationships, each one seemed to have the same reason of why it didn’t work out. They weren’t on my level – and even if I tried to get them there – I didn’t want to change them from who they are…

My horoscope told me not to over think things this year…cause sometimes it will get me into more of a mess than I already am…I’m trying…I really am.

I want to be loved like I was in 2010…but with the right guy this time =/. I find myself rebounding to different things for temporary relief, but I find myself back to where I began…

I’m independent and only I really know how to work it out…trust I will…I just need to get all this out before I do…

I’m about to build my dresser…wish me luck =P

December 31, 2010

iljb#141: Ring in 2011







2011 Overview

Whew! Feel that enormous burden sliding off of your shoulders, like you’ve been carrying around an overstuffed backpack for the last couple of years? That would be Saturn, planet of structures and limitation, moving out of your sign. Congratulations, first of all, on having simply made it through more or less in one piece. You passed through the fire and made it out the other side.

Now, what to do with that spiritual Medal of Honor you’ve earned? Well, for one thing, establish who it is you really are with both yourself and those around you. Your ability to quietly endure both the big and little outrages of life have served you well in the last couple of years, and many of those around you may have come to assume that either it wasn’t as rough on you as it was, or that you are somehow made of steel. In fact, you may have come to the same conclusion yourself. Virgo has a reputation for being able to take care of others with the best of them — but can you turn that same care and attention on yourself? That’s the big question you’ll be facing in 2010.

The good news (beyond simply less bad news) is that there will be all kinds of opportunities opening up for you in new directions as far as fun, recreation and romance. So take advantage of those whenever you can. You’ve earned it!

As much as I look back on 2010 reminiscing about the good, the bad, and everything in between; what I know for certain is that this year had definitely set me up for what is in store for me in 2011. One year from now, when I look back at this blog, I’ll know that 2011 would definitely be the year of wonderful things ranging from the small to the very big. Whatever it might turn out to be, I’ll know that I was prepared to take on 2011 before it even began.

A Summary of 2010
I began with a huge break up in 2010. I was heartbroken and I couldn’t see through the rain. I was devastated with Danny and how we ended things. I ended up rebounding myself on to Andy which was in retrospect was a really bad idea. Another devastated experience came with that and I found myself not understanding what exactly was wrong with me (relationship wise). I had other things I had to take care of, like graduating and preparing to graduate in the spring. With 2009 done, 2010 had a lot of business I had to take care of. PACE, PCN, FilGrad, Project Connect, Kleins…a lot was piled in the few months I had before graduation. I slowly trusted my friends with what I felt and experienced in life by confiding in them with my deepest fears, concerns, and dreams. Somewhere in the middle of the year, I found myself back with Danny, but this time around I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t going to back down from that. I was partnered on youtube (which was amaaazing), and the thought of moving to LA by the end of the year took over.

Graduating and the process leading up to that was worth all the sweat and tears. FilGrad/Directing PCN/& Project Connect contributed to the overall experience that is graduation. I wouldn’t have asked for more and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. I was also told I was going to revisit/re-meet my cousins in a long time. That was definitely an amazing experience because I felt this time around I would make connections without being shy. At that point in my life, I grown fond of family and understanding its root. I also contributed in helping out my sister get her job back. The waiting period was long, but worth the wait. I was experiencing the ultimate high in the summer with Danny by my side and with my friends along for the ride. Socalebration was amazing as usual and made me reflect on how wonderful my friends are.

Entering the fall, I had a lot of dreams and passions that I wanted accomplish before 2010 ended. I searched for jobs online and figured out that it was hard. I had a few interviews here and there and fucked up on a $40,000 salary job, which I didn’t get. However, I had much more respect for myself in letting that get to me. I definitely made it a point to focus on those who are important in my life. My sister finally got her job back and my family’s 3 year struggle would soon end. We talked about heading to the Philippines in the end of the year. Everything in my life turned for the best soon after, when I got a call from Aerotek about a job opportunity. By the end of October, I had a new job that paid well. Post Grad didn’t seem to be so bleak.

November was a time for change. Moving to LA was definitely postponed due to my new job, my relationship with Danny soon would end because I couldn’t handle not being official, and the focus to my family soon became a major priority. Going to the Philippines was postponed, but the experience with my family grew stronger as the weeks passed. I soon became busy due to having two jobs. Refocusing on myself. Dealing with the “break up” was difficult, but I seem to managed. Entering December, I was filled with joy and appreciation of how far I’ve come.

As I write this I look back at a rough start of 2010, but realizing how blessed I am ending with a bang. I couldn’t have asked for more. I have a soon to be permanent job that pays well, my family and I are embarking on getting my brother his job back, and my friends and I are gonna go through another year filled with wonderful experiences. Though I ended this year much like last year with a broken relationship, I can say that I am okay with it and I am better off without one. Though I may want that comfort and that intense love that I had – I can say that I redirected all that love back to my family, friends, and work. I came out on top this year in 2010 and I am every grateful. God took care of me this year when I felt lost and couldn’t find my way. God reassured that I was going to make it on top, but I didn’t know how. Now I know and its amazing.

2010 will be dubbed as the year I grew a better appreciation of the people around me. Redirected my focus on my family and responsibilities. Most importantly, grew more self respect/self worth for myself. There were many instances in 2010 that were bad, but when I sum things up now, those don’t even come to view. The good definitely weighed in more this year than the bad.

2010 WAS AWESOME!

What to look forward to in 2011?
I definitely know 2011 will continue to bring wonderful surprises for my family. I am working my ass off to help them get back on their feet. I am working on also bringing back the joy and happiness that was once there. After 3 years of pain, its time to make that all up by helping contribute what I can. I know will make it through 2011 and finally be the family I know we can be.

Relationships with my friends can only become stronger. I know that we’ll have more to look forward to this year, more to laugh, more to cry, more memories to share with one another.

Work will look bright for me. I know because I am working my ass off to get perm. (which I will by the end of Jan). My deli job will help me get that extra income I need. I need to always remind myself how grateful I am to even have a job, let alone two. I am so grateful.

This year marks my 25th year. I can’t believe it! I can not believe it =] Big things for a big number.

REALationships =/ well, I can’t go into 2011 expecting anything because I can’t. All I know is, I will be stronger and wiser with the guys I experience this year. I’m done with playing around, I’m done with just fake ass promises, talk is to easy, and I know through my experiences I can identify all that better. I want to be in a relationship in 2011, but I’m not in a rush to do so. If 2011 brings me my guy, then so be it. If it doesn’t then I’m cool with that too.

YOUTUBE & such, I’m excited to say that I have things in store for my channel – with continued support from folks around the world, I know my channel will continue to help others like it has. I can’t wait for what I bring to the table in 2011. =] This message particularly to those who have messaged me in 2010 through facebook. I want to thank you for trusting me with your life, experience, love, friendship, etc. Thank you for looking up to me, giving me advice, hating on me, giving me something to think about. Thank you for loving me, listening to me, being there for me when I felt no one was. Its a crazy unique experience that we have on youtube. My ROOMIES – you all are definitely a part of contributing to this wonderful year that is 2010. I owe each and every one of you. If you’re reading this, you are the definite few that have touched my life.

So, lets ring in 2011. Its something big, something awesome, something I can’t wait for to happen…The countdown begins =].

2011 Resolutions.
Be authentic
LAAAAUGHHH more
Go and try something new each month
LIVE in the moments
Smile more
Work out more
Appreciate each day
Go to church
Spend more time with family
Stop being “mean”
Save money to move out
Fix my car/or get a new car
Pay my debts
Get perm. job
Be in love again
Run the lake
Take pictures
Write more/poetry/stories
Eat good food
Drink/Happy hours
Spend time with coworkers
Watch good movies
Have a balance of spending
Be a better friend/son/brother/coworker
ENJOY LIFE

November 29, 2010

iljb#138: FRESH!

If I could go ahead and talk to myself a few months ago, back to when this all began, I would have just said – GO FOR THE BLACK ONE! haha. I ended up not listening to myself, but ended up following my heart, where it was left – with him. < How dramatic was that line hahaha. OBVIOUSLY, dramatic is my life – so lets just keep it that way. Onward fellow readers!

FRESH! I need a fresh outlook on life right now and I am at the brink of doing so. Before December drops, I will take the opportunity for these next two days to really reorganize my priorities. I note this quote from twitter: Action expresses priorities. ~ Mohandas Gandhi

With that said, I shall do some fall cleaning before I enter the new year. I have about 33 days to do this and I know I can.

I am blessed to have an amazing job (2 in fact), an amazing family (who I feel need to get a documentary started because shit lol), wonderful friends, and everything else. I am blessed.

I owe it to myself to start FRESH before 2011. ITS MY TIME TO SHINE ONCE AGAIN.

NO BULLSHITTERY this time around. I learned my lessons in 2010.

November 22, 2010

iljb#137: Everything and Anything

I absolutely love, love this quote. Its so true and I believe thats what I’ve done each year, each month, each passing day. I’m in a world right now where the only things that matter to me are the ones closest to me. Unfortunately, those who aren’t lucky enough to be within that circle, will never know what it feels like to have “me” in their life. Those who have lost me, will someday realize how good it was to have me, and those who currently treasure the fact that I am close enough to them will realize how wonderful and lucky they really are to know and have me in their life.

I look at it this way, I’m not a hard person to get a long with. Though, there are so many guidelines to being my friend, I feel that those guidelines are simple and aren’t rocket science. You follow simple steps and you realize being my friend isn’t that hard. Its easy. You make a few mistakes here and there, we fall out, but if you really matter we come back to each other in the end. Thats the beauty. If we’re meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other.

Thats everything and anything.

November 16, 2010

iljb#135: Focusing on…

I’d love to say me, but its my job. I’m focusing all my attention on my job because I love it. Honestly, I have probably 5-6 hrs to myself and the rest of the day is spent sleeping or working. It actually is worth it because I work hard and its not that hard (what I do). Its chill and folks are nice. I like where I work.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…second

Family. I am so surprised how much me getting this job has gotten me closer to my mom and sister. Additionally, my family is just happy that I have a job and I update them about whats going on. Its nice. This Christmas is gonna be amazing for our family. Its not about the gifts that will be present this year, but the fact that we all were able to survive 3 years of bullshit. It was all worth the wait. All of us I think grew from the experience and we’re moving full speed ahead. For the first time in my life, I’m putting my family second and thinking about them. They deserve it.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…third

I’m focusing on me. Getting my shit together and what I want in life. I’m taking it day by day and each day brings a new revelation and experience that I didn’t learn from the previous day. I can honestly say that I am at my ultimate peak in my life because I know I can handle anything that can come my way. People come and go in my life, but honestly I think I already know those who will stay. The family & friends who’ve seen me grow. Unfortunately, I’m still dealing with those who just use me for whatever it is sex, money, friendship…alalaala whatever that might be. I think I’m just over it because I’ve put focus on my job, family, and myself I find it hard to put everything else in the forefront. Its time to give what hasn’t been given much attention that NEEDED attention. I’m sorry – but I think that relationship I was in “relationship” is going to have to be put on a hold – maybe for temp, but most likely for good. I can’t take care of another right now if I got three other things in a priority. Honestly, he had his chance and this “break” was just the ultimate final straw. I had to do it for us. I already saw he wasn’t where he was supposed to be and I was at a different end. We weren’t on the same page and even though I tried to say we were…we really weren’t. Crazy how a few weeks can change that. Oh well, lesson learned.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…fourth

Everything else. Hanging out and doing fun stuff just comes last now. I think I’ve spent enough of my years having fun and don’t get me wrong I think I still have time to have fun, but not like I used to. I’m on my grind and this is what it is. I live to work bc I need to help my folks and myself out. If I wanna move out, get a new car, help my family, and have a permanent job I need to honestly hold it down and toughen up. I know my priorities and its easy for me to say no to those that aren’t my priorities.I am blessed to have those who continuously stick with me. I don’t have time for bs friendships or acquaintances. After awhile you realize whose down for you and whose in it to just get you.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…and well thats my story and I’m sticking to it


November 3, 2010

iljb#134: LIFE in WORDS

The best part about having a job – is having a job.

It took me 2 months to knock down some interviews and search for some career options. Had a few interviews – all of which failed, but got a call randomly one day from a recruiter asking if I was interested in a job opportunity. All this search landed me this job I currently have and the rest is history. What made me feel so much better about my job today is the fact that my manager said that we (my group) was hand picked to be part of the team (we were split into two groups, the group I am in was the one hand picked =]). It felt so good to hear her say that – gave me a little bit more pride and motivation that this was meant for me. She told us that she wants 100% conversions from seasonal to permanent, which is most likely going to happen just as long as we do our job. She added (which I loosely translate) that don’t fuck up this job because with the tough economy right now, folks would die to just be in our shoes with a job. And shes damn right for that one. I work for a health care CORPORATE group representing the San Francisco. Its entry level, folks are chill, I get paid weekly, and I know I can move up and excel =]. This is it for me for now. This is how I’m going to make it big and help myself be once again financially stable. I work from 8:30-5pm which is great cause I like that schedule – but I think it might change soon.

I help physicians clients see if their insurance cover for their procedure and see how we can help in insuring that if it doesn’t, other options available. The health care career was never in my prerogative and it has been such a surprise that I enjoy what I do. We go LIVE on Monday and I’m all ready to take the challenge. SHOOT I already speed through my staging with the IV counselors and they already say that I got it – its about practice =]. I gots this. I am so blessed. I am.

In addition, I still have my other job at Kleins which I am keeping for the weekends. So literally I have no day off now, but thats fine because I work hard for that money and I know in the end it’ll all work out. The weekend job will shortly fade out by 2011 because of the lay off, but that’s fine. This weekend job is for extra help, while my current job is for bills and such. Ahhh it feels good to be in the real world…not as hard as I thought it would be.

I am blessed. I don’t got much to really worry about and I don’t need to worry about much, just as long as I do what I can and work hard with what I can. I’m a lot closer to my family and I’m loving it. Some things will have to take a backseat and thats fine.

For now…I’m happy with my job…=] POTENTIAL most def.

PS. I don’t have time for bullshit, so I wont put up with it.