Archive for February, 2010

February 22, 2010

iljb#86: Can’t focus…

I really can’t focus. I need – er – I have so much to take care of…I guess being in my room makes me yawn more and just want to just say fuck it…I’m going to sleep. I HONESTLY need to snap out of it. I just have no motivation to get all my shit done…I need to do this list that I’ve been meaning to do…but damnit….I’m just procrastinating. I have way too much to take care of…

yes its my fault…

FOCUS…I can’t.

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February 18, 2010

iljb#85: A “something along those lines” kinda day

Today was one of those days where anything and I mean anything could happen. I guess I was caught off guard at times, but I guess I picked myself up and did what I needed to.

Today was the beginning of lent and for me, this journey will be an experience to enjoy. YES enjoy. I can’t honestly say I’ll keep my list of what to give up 100%, but I will say that I will 100% come back to God. There’s a lot of things that have help make, shape, bring me to where I am right now – and I am happy for it. Even though there have already been major bumps in the road for 2010…I believe it to be a test from God. I believe, I know I do. I think I am learning patience…ahhh…its so hard.

Anyway…I wish the rest of the week goes by well…or something along those lines…

LIFE is getting harder…but its such a bright future ahead =]

February 18, 2010

one of those days

where i just wanted to hold somebody in my arms because i know it felt good. look at them…and just hug them…i had one of those nights tonight. it was nice…and thats that…it was nothing more

“Relationships last long not because they’re destined to last long. Relationships last long because two brave people made a choice – to keep it, to fight for it & to work for it. Meanwhile, other relationships fail not because they’re destined to fail. They failed because one of the two, or both, made the choice – to set each other free.”

February 13, 2010

iljb#84: Rushing a Valentines

I’m so proud of myself this year because I don’t have a Valentines and I am okay with that. In past years I believe I always seemed to rush a Valentine. Meaning, I just had to get one because I didn’t want to be alone. I guess I rather be alone that fake a “love” that isn’t there. And I’m happy that I don’t have one either, despite all the hype on being with their significant other tomorrow, which by the way – that hype should be everyday! Besides, in about a week or two, all the gay guys who had Valentines will be Valentineless and show they asses at my door. TRUST – it always happens. I guess I’ve learned after all these years, yea? I’ve had that Valentine experience already – now I just want the real thing.

I’ve been adding on to my video collection and the two new additions are “What happens in Vegas” and “My Best Friends Wedding” two completely different movies about LOVE and two real possibilities on LOVE. I think watching those movies gave me the confidence that its better to wait it out and just take it day by day. Just like Julia Roberts character…finding guy after guy and realizing…that they just want one…that one which was the guy. I love my movie collection haha 😀 ITS CUTE =].

So back to that Valentines day rush – See I ain’t bitter that folks have people to spend it with. I’m definitely not mad. Its just realizing that I got something better in my life to cater to and thats me. That something is me and I’ll spend it well. Besides I’m going to be with my bff for Valentines =].

Still want to see that movie – which I think I’m going to end up buying because its probably going to be worth it haha.

February 11, 2010

PLEASE?

February 10, 2010

iljb#83: Living Proof

I guess the image above sums up how I’m feeling. I guess today was a trickle effect of disappointments and feeling of loneliness. To add, I just surfed on facebook and stumble on Janelles facebook to find she has a new boo. I guess it was kinda shocking cause…well she’s been with that miles fool since…forever. I guess it goes to show that nothing is truly “forever”. I also thought to myself how glamorous her life is. I think I’ve mentioned her in a blog before a long time ago, but she is that girl that done got her FIDM degree and is now just making it big. I guess after I a graduate thats something I can look forward to…unfortunately you can’t really make it big with your AAS degree. To just feel kind of unaccomplished right now…feeling like when graduation ends…I’ll feel like a fat disappointment…feeling like this just eats my spirit up. However, I do want to say that I will be getting a new engine and technically a new car =]. But other than that…scheduling my life around my nonexisting car has just been a hassle. Today I found out that they aren’t accepting any AAS masters because of budget cuts…yeah I know…see how directly affected I am now with this whole budget cut bull shit. MAN…my future is going to be put on pause…however, Allyson gave me some good advice on my topic and its really just made me think.

How do Filipinos learn to be Filipino on the internet.

My paper is going to surround how technology has contributed in molding ones culture and identity.

I took a nap today since I just felt boo boo the whole day…that trickle effect…I woke up to the laundry I have yet folded and ironed…after this blog…I will be tackling this task. I missed the PCN meeting =P oh well…my health is more important…ah that choices I make…

PRAY for me and my well being…please =/ I need all the prayers I can get.

February 8, 2010

ildd#3: One step closer…

I guess I’ve been a sucker for these couple of weeks in watching movies that relate to my situation right now like Good Luck Chuck or just conversations I’ve been having. I guess its one step closer to realizing that that ONE person…might just appear out of no where unexpectedly. I’ve already turned down two guys who’ve poured their heart to me – not because I don’t like them, but because they live way far from me. Also, one was an ex and one was just a fuck buddy of sorts. I guess its Gods way of testing me to see if I’d break and if I had learned my lesson. Well God. I passed. =D. So with that said I feel like I’m one step closer to finding, being, letting my self just BE LOVED by someone who cares. Like Chuck said, he loved her so much that he had to let her go…I’ll take that Chuck…I know I’m going to be that next guy for that person because I’m not really looking looking for someone like I’ve been all my life. I’ve just been focusing on school, work, and most importantly friends and family. I guess thats how life is supposed to be right. Its been two weeks already and I feel good about it. Lets hope that it works. All things happen for a reason…I’m where I am because this is where I need to be.

Sometimes when I’m at work I pretend that a customer is one day just going to come up to me and say, HEY you’re that guy from youtube…I was wondering if you’d grab a lil coffee with me while I wait…whens your lunch? And that guy would be really cute and really sweet. Then I’d take my break and realize I stumbled across a good one…sweet and adorable. But he’d have to leave to go to NYC, but he said he’d come back for me in two weeks. Two weeks =].

I’m ok with not having a Valentines. Really this time.

February 6, 2010

sometimes you just gotta just breathe…sleep it off…and wait for the days to go by.

February 3, 2010

iljb#82: Hard times

Well folks I am officially carless because someone decided to be CARELESS when doing an oil filter change. Great my engine is fried and now I have to manage myself getting to and from work. -___- an additionally stress that I knew was going to come, but I wished it didn’t come today. Well I guess that just adds to the list of FMLs for Joaquin this new year. Thankfully, I am taking every bit of set backs with ease. I mean it wasn’t my fault that I chose a cheaper oil change all the way in Palo Alto instead the ones in Daly City…UGH. Well nevertheless, whats done is done and the damage is irreversable. FUCK MY LIFE. To top things off, I’ve been stressing about graduation and my masters application. Did I mention coordinating this ETHS 210 class. I know I put so much on my plate, but I live for this. Oh having this office job at Project Connect is a hugeeeeeee pain just because I have to coordinate so much with so many people. Mario leaves tomorrow and after that…its history. The office however looks good. Man…I started this week with a suicide out my window…was this a foreshadowing of how the rest of my week was going to be…I mean really…

Thinking of a significant other would be ideal, but to be honest…where do I fit that in my schedule…I mean shit…I can’t even fit sleep for myself. So I guess its a good thing that I’m just focused right? Maybe this masters student thing…isn’t for me right now…maybe I should just work and get my shit together…yeah…FilGrad has begun and its already been an exciting experience. Wouldn’t it be cute if one of the straight looking guys in FilGrad ended up being a fucking DOWN LOW guy. LOL I’d have a trip…then he’d like come up to be and be like…hey wanna makibaka shakalaka LOL hahaha…my mind wanders =X haha go figure.

February 3, 2010

ildd#2: The TEXT

So I guess this guy texts me saying hi. I look at the number on my phone and I have no idea who it is. I text back saying hi. He texts back saying its been a long time since we’ve talked. Apparently, I am unaware of this encounter so I reply, who is this? He tells me his name. I still can’t recall who it is so I just play it off by saying Oh hey whats up. We end up texting each other small talk until I ask…where are you from? He says the city. I then try real hard to figure out who this guy was. Is it someone I messed around with? An old friend? Someones friend of a friend. Is is someone who I don’t like? I then ask one more time, who is this. He then says, I’m an old aquantance. We never met before, but we did talk a lot on aim and you helped me a lot with stuff. I then smile, but then get concered…I text…so how’d you get this number? He texts me with his answer. I then reply…oh alright…He then says he needs to go but he’ll talk to me later. I go…oh okay.

Three days later I get a call from the same number. I answer. Hello? The voice on the other end says hi its me. I hesitate then remember, oh hey whats up. He then asks me simply – can we meet up? I then laugh and say whoa I ain’t like that. He quickly says its not that, I don’t want to mess around, I just want to finally meet you. My head is spinning with the idea, but realize how crazy it was. I reply um…I’m sorry I’m busy and well I don’t really feel comfortable in doing that. He then replies ok. He then says he needs to go. We hang up.

Thats how it started and thats how it ended.