ilikejoaquin’s BURN BLOG PART ONE

A few days ago I had decided to make a list at work (my mind wanders as you are about to read) of the guys that did me right, fucked me over, and those guys that just are DOUCHE BAGS. So who made the cut? ha. I guess this was my bit of therapy at work while dealing with the constant question of why the fuck am I still single? Well here goes.

THE WORST: I think out of all the guys that I experienced, the one who hurt me the most was Teekz. FUCK that bitch. lol, I can laugh about it now and if I ever did see him again I wouldn’t think much of it. However, when I look back at 2 years go, its like DAMNNNN you was a bitchh and a fucking liar who manipulated me into thinking he was “STRAIGHT” and he was “SINGLE” which both were complete lies. I never got burned this hard ever and even after that did I ever experience the worst when I was with this dude. There was something about him…a swagger I couldn’t pin point, but it made me want to go out of my way to just be there. My friends thought he wasn’t that great to begin with and well … I never listen right lol. So when I did tell one of my friends about him, they told me that we had a mutual friend who was actually dating him…for like almost a year. I was kind of shocked, but I still went through with it. Long story short…I we hung out one night and I dropped him off…We actually never kissed surprisingly…but a lot of heated tension was there and flirting. Anyway, I dropped him off to find that his current bf was there waiting for him…and it was raining LMAO HAHAH holy crap it was like a scene from a movie. THE BOYFRIEND who waited until his boo came home so he could smash the trick he was with…and that trick happened to be me. lol But all said and done…Teekz did all he could to prove that he was innocent…he apologized…I still wanted to be his friend…blah blah…HOT MESS! haha goes to show that trust issues can be broken by only one person…and after that…all the relationships you get with are based on that person and moment…Its true for me…can’t help it right? I MEAN BITCH REALLY LIED lol haha…shrugs the past is the past…but he was definitely the WORST!

THE CRUSH A LOT: Ben was one of the first guys I met not on the internet. I was excited because he was cute…I only knew he was gay because his cousin told me he was. After that…I tried to get to know him…something in the middle got complicated and we never got together…not even talked. He was cute…we’d text each other randomly and well I was confused at times with him. He was the type that liked attention given to him, but never reciprocating any of it to me. I guess I was just a fool. This was my sophomore year (sigh things were so much nicer back then lol). Flash back a year later…we ended up drunk at his place and I kissed him…AFTER all that not doing stuff with him…that kiss definitely ruined it for me and him. I was like, “WTF? THIS IS WHAT I WANTED?” lol nah but its one of those things where it just didn’t click after the kiss…I was like ugh this is lame…and left lol haha.

Then there was Ryan. OHHHH fuckking Ryan. When I was with my boyfriend my freshman year, all I could think of is how I wanted him instead LMAO HAHA was that bad? But then again he was the guy that was supppper adorable and supppper cute. He had that face, he had swagger, and he said and did things that would make you want to be with him. After a few months or so…we did try to get with each other…or at least I did…but he ended things with me telling me he was focused on school and everything else…I was bummed out…NEXT THING YOU KNOW a few weeks later a mutual person we know IMs me saying that he knew I liked Ryan and there was something between us. I was like yeah there was whats it to you. He goes, well a few weeks ago…I fucked him. GASP *JAW DROPS* the same week he decided to not talk and text me. I was like WTFFFFFFF. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I was so mad because I thought we were doing great…but turns out he was just trying to give it up to this bitch. LOL…Funny thing is I haven’t talked or spoken to him in years…until he texted me two days ago asking how I knew a roommate of mine…I was like WHATEVER lol…I was sprung on him…unfortunately he never felt the same.

BOY this is getting juicy. lol There was Jimmy. THE CUTEST UNDERAGED BITCH I knew LMAO HAHAHAHAHA. At the time I thought he was at least 18…or 17…LOL when we first met…he told me he was 16 turning 17. LOL I was like wtffffff LMAO haha I was like 21 I think. Anyway, I called him my Jimmy Nutron lol…WHY? I dunno. Anyway, he and I were trying to work it out…but I so turned off because he always had to rub in his SMARTness to me. How he has a 4.0 or whatever. Which was great, but damn do you need to rub it in. He also was trying to beat me up cause he does martial arts and shit. I was like damn…He was super hot though. I was like DAMNNN foreal, but just connection wise…I was a lot older and he was just in hs…I was like how the fuck does this work? I had to drop him and when I did he goes, “OH thats fine I know someone else whos smarter, my age, has a job, and drives…so see ya.” I’m like WTF? LOL I laughed it off…a few years later I guess we met up again trying to rekindle whatever it was…but there was nothing…just sexual tension lol.

Then theres Andy. Oh Andy. When I first saw him I thought he was sooooo adorable. Looks can be deceiving. He messaged me first (he was always the one messaging me first). At the time he was with this bf and I thought it was weird how he would always text me to go to a club or go meet him somewhere and I’m like so how does your bf feel about this and he goes he’s jealous. I was like alright. haha I never met him until 2 months later after he tells me that hes actually broken up with his bf. I’m like this bitch. I was hesitant, but I did it anyway. When I met him…I tried my hardest not to smile or think he was cute. BUT this fool was hitting all the right places with spitting game and everything. He was telling me he was over his ex and all that stuff (which in my head I knew was bs). He was also just saying how he wanted to go on a date with me and all that stuff…I dunno things moved fast, but I just felt like alright sure…I’ll take the risk. Long story short…he tells me one day he wasn’t over his ex after all and drops me. Now…he just wants to be FRIENDS and stresses the FRIENDS part…He’s a total douche…reminds me of Teekz because he did exactly the same thing to me that Teekz did…LIE. He also has a good way of making himself look and sound like the victim or the right person…Its fine…I think at this point this is my goodbye to this bitch. I can’t laugh at it yet cause its still fresh. I’m definitely over him. He’s the 2nd worst.

Now…those were just the beginning…those were the good and bad, but the following were the ROUGHEST and craziest relationships I’ve been in.

THE STRESS: I knew Kit for a while, but I remember him telling me he tried to hollah at me to go to some bus and I ignored him. Well shit…wtf was I supposed to do lol. He had this accent which I thought was so cute. I remember the first time I met him, I went out of my way to go to the Castro to meet him. He was still getting over his ex…ugh. I noticed that, I get with folks who are just out of a relationship…and a bad one for that matter. Anyway, at the end of the night I remember him saying to his friend, “Awww I like this one.” AWW it still makes me smile because its so simple but it means a lot you know. Anyway fast forward…I was always at his place more than mine…I disappeared and I dunno how I did it cause didn’t I have school? LOL I felt like I didn’t have school. it was funny…Oh cause I was on break…FUCK well it was nice because I felt comfortable being there with him, but then at the same time I felt like fuckkk I don’t have room to miss him…We were dating for almost three months already and its like fuckk when are we gonna be official. The bad thing about this was I always had to prove myself to him. I had to prove to him that I wasn’t like this or that. I was doing this because I loved him blah blah. I did stuff for him that I never did for people. I gave up myself to make him happy. It was then that I realized fuck…I can’t do this. We even took a socal trip with my friends with him…and that just proved shit if you can’t hang with me in a trip…then how can I hang with being with you? I broke it off…and he then was like wait…no…he wanted me back…he was begging and he told me that he doesn’t beg…I guess I was just fed up with all the bs that I went through with him, all the fights that weren’t necessary, all the yelling, all the uncertainty afterwards. I was like I can’t do this…I just wanted a break…but it ended up being a total break. He got me nervous to the point where I cried to him cause I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t stop. He looked at me and was like “WTF why you crying.” It just felt cold…and after 3 months of just being together…thats you get? He was the closest I had to a REAL BF relationship…it just went so wrong in so many areas…I thought about him a few days ago…just wondering maybe I gave up to fast? =/ Nah…I had to let it go…I wonder if he learned anything from us…

Soon after…I met this guy named Jhordan…BOY oh boy…it started off as just friends, then business, then mixing friends with business…I’m just like wtf. Everything I said was twisted and again I felt like I had to prove myself. This guy was a grown ass man, but I felt more mature than he was. He wasn’t even out. When folks introduce me to their families or friends…I feel more connected…and thats what happened…I was connected with him…however, he always got mad at me for the simple things, bring up the past, push my buttons. He even threatened to key my car one time…I broke it off cause we were business partners that turned relationship status…I liked him…I did stuff for him, but I just felt like I was pushing it and he was definitely pushing my buttons. At the time I was dealing with a lot of depression in my life and it seemed that was my scape goat…but I felt like if I didn’t get out of that relationship…I woulda killed myself. We didn’t even last two months into getting to know each other…it was too crazy begin with. STRESS STRESS…he was probably the third worst…ugh…

I learned a lot from both of these relationships though and I don’t hate them at all, I hated the situation that we were in. THERES A BIG DIFFERENCE.

Well this is getting too long and I think I vented enough…next topic will be the guys who were good, but didn’t work out because they were douche bags…but they were still sweet. lol Also, those I hurt and why…Until next time!

RANTS

I’ll spend a few mins just typing out my thoughts, since thats the only way I get through stuff now a days…in my thoughts. Its crazy how theres so much information in my brain that it can create me not to function correctly cause theres so much clutter in there. Well heres my house cleaning.

Thank you Erwin for keeping up with my life and letting me know wassup. I haven’t gotten to text you back or nothing just cause I suck at getting back at people, but just know I really appreciate it. My thanks also go out to Kellz, Justin, and not so important. Thanks for leaving your love and feedback. ❤ They do help. 

My life right now…mmm how can I sum it up…unstable. There…cause I still feel like I don’t have a grasp of my life even after Friendship Games. I feel like I’m moving…my body is…but theres nothing in me thats really functioning. Its as if I’m a hallow body moving through life. Nothing too exciting has happened in my life, just bad luck on my end. When I got back from Friendship Games I found that I lost my debit card. A few days later I went to celebrate Ryans 21st and D&Bs and I lost my phone for an hour at that damn place. Luckily I was able to find it. Then a few days ago at work, these folks came in to give me a GRAND prize of going to vegas for only 50 dollars with some other free stuff included, but because I didn’t have my debit card, they couldn’t give it to me. Instead they gave me a 200 dollar pizza hut coupon thing. When I left work, the FREE pizza coupon was lost…-_- ugh…Bad luck has just been getting the best of me lately…especially since I’m feeling sick now! FACK! You can’t help but wonder why things happen the way they do especially when you’re just trying to live LIFE!. Maybe its because I haven’t been going to church since that time I went to church and the priest was spreading PROP 8 to the congregation. -_-. Weird thing is…FAMILY is doing good right now. I feel like I’m much more comfortable with family right now than all other things, which is different because usually its the other way around. Friends are alright too, but I feel things could be better.

I’m really glad that I have friends that I can call my own and if I feel like I need anything, they’re there to help me. But sometimes, I feel like some of my friends are only here when I need favors. Like theres a missing element that has been bugging me. A few months ago I felt like my friends and I were on top of the world…but now it seems like we’re in two different worlds. I don’t think many of them see it…well the particular individuals that I’m talking about…but it sucks to realize that currently…they’re not there in your life when you need them, but only a selected few. And meeting half way is the only thing I can do. “Hey are you okay?” or “Whats been going on whats up.” When I get closed ended answers…I can’t do much with that. I just feel like sometimes…I’m left wondering…why the hell do I call you my friend. (And if you think this section is about you, then maybe it is). I went through some shit these past few months and its crazy how I was able to deal with the shit I had to…without you. Now that sounds weird for me to say because I would think my closest friends would want to know, or want to HELP, or what to just be there at my lowest low. I guess whats bugging me is that when I needed “you”…you weren’t there to pick me up when I fall. We act like we’re strangers…-_- ugh

On a different note, my living situation is…well has bugged me for a lil bit. I swear, aren’t we all adults? Living in an adult world? If thats the case, why do I feel like I’m baby sitting? For me the biggest issue I have are dishes. I mean real talk, if you’re gonna use a dish, wash a dish. Or at least clean it and leave it in the sink so folks can reclean it. Cause it sucks when dishes are left out for like 5 days and the shit left on the dishes become hard to get off. I just can’t believe it…things are so elementary when it comes to cleaning to me, but for some of my roommates, its hard to comprehend. Like real talk, own up to your shit. THERE AIN’T NO FUCKING MAID THAT LIVES WITH US! However, I take on that responsibility myself because I surely can’t live in a pig stye. Now a days, I only clean when I know it is getting out of control. It sucks because I fucking set up things for people to do. Like TRASH. I take it out and put it out so folks can just take it…but no…no one feels like its their responsibility to take it. It sucks because I see folks be playing video games, watching tv, on the internet surfing…but they can’t take 5 mins out of their life to CLEAN. REAL talk, it took me fucking an hr to clean up the apartment one time because everyone failed to do their cleaning job…the next day…EVERYTHING was trashed again. LIKE foreal? Where is the respect in that? Did yal parents raise you right? Or did they raise you to where you have people clean after you? I had a cleaning list up for this apartment, but I took it down cause I felt like it was disrespectful for me to have one, taking my time to make it, and no one follows through. Like real talk, folks would kill to have a cleaning list, but folks take this shit for granted. And as a result…my apartment right now doesn’t know what to do…what to clean…cause they don’t know who is next on the cleaning list…but wait…that doesn’t mean you STOP FUCKING CLEANING THE APARTMENT! Like real talk…its so elementary. I’m waiting for someone to tell me, “hey Jar, can you please put the cleaning list up.” because I would put it back up because it shows folks really need it or want it back. Because theres a lack of NEED for one…fuck it…Its soo dumb…I work at jamba and clean dishes…and then I have to come back home and clean more dishes. Hella disrespectful. I spend hella time in the kitchen just cleaning after these pigs. I don’t fucking get it…like don’t you feel embarrassed? Don’t you feel any guilt that one of your roommates is taking on cleaning for 5 other people? Thats fucking wrong. Fuck…if you got fucking time to CHILL, you got fucking time to clean up your shit…and I’m embarrassed cause our friends come over hella times and for them to come in and be all “whats that smell” or “do you want me to help you clean” is sad…real talk…This apartment right now sucks…sorry

I don’t fucking know where I’m going with my academics. I feel like I’m in the middle of succeeding and failing…more so failing…I feel like I’m not up to par on where I should be with my major or everything else. I’m half asses everything. And I feel like I don’t know why that is. WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE THE FUCK is my motivation? Its gone…completely gone…it sucks because by now, I would have been a little more motivated to do shit…but it sucks because real talk…I want to give up on school…I’m learning…but not taking anything in…I fucking suck at life right now…I feel like the things that surround me are fucking me up…FUCKING ME UP…I don’t know…I feel like I don’t deserve to be in a state school…a fucking state school…I feel like I should just quit and just get a job at burger king. FUCK it….I’m fucking tired…-_- ugh…

Relationships…fuck…I feel like its not a priority…but I feel like it something that I’m craving for at the same time. I don’t know…I just feel like it sucks to see couples around holding and kissing each other…ESPECIALLY during this fucking holiday season. I fucking hate it…ugh…I don’t know…I’m searching when I shouldn’t be. I’m slowly getting over things…and I’m glad…because I can actually breathe without you suffocating me…I’m a wreck…I feel like one…I’m slowly realizing a factor to why I’m single. I start something…and I feel like I can’t commit…I have BIG commitment issues…and its rare for me to commit in something…I feel like thats the cause of why I’m still single…fuck where is that guy who will be like on ma jock, want to get to know me, say cute humorous things, do cute humorous things, just do the fucking damn thing to impress me. WHY the fuck I gotta do all the work, nig…I’ve been there done that…fuck I just gotta sit back now…fuckk…

SIGH…I’ma cut it right here, theres too much emotions and too little time to be wasted on this blog…real mother fucking talk…ugh…FUCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Is this seasonal depression…or is this stress…or just a combination of both…cause if its both…oh fuck…

Greetings from the BakitWhy Team.
Believe it or not, BakitWhy will be in San Francisco on Saturday, November 15, 2008 for BakitWhy’s NorCal Mixer!

As a big “thank you”, we’ll be coming together as one Pilipino-American community by bringing the audiences of the entire Northern California area together at this exciting community mixer!

Date & Time:
Saturday, November 15, 2008
5pm – 10pm

Location:
BakitWhy NorCal Mixer
Bayanihan Community Center
1010 Mission Street, Suite B
San Francisco, CA 94103

With Special performances by:

MissCarolinexoxo
Kayla

Also at this event we will be having FREE FOOD and more!

Please spread the word, BakitWhy will be in SF on November 15, all are welcome!


See you all there soon!

Complicated Context

– – – U P N D O W N

Three years ago, I met a guy named Ben through Open House. It was funny too cause it was so unexpected. Someone told me to talk to him to let him know how to get to SFSU since he was coming for our open house. After I got off the phone with him, the person who let me talk to him (his cousin) tells me he’s gay. I was like WTF??? FOREAL. haha He ended up coming with his other coordinator and me and my other colleague met them at our office. When I saw him, my mouth dropped. *GASP* hes sooooo cute! But really? HES GAY? NO FUCKING WAY! I sat across from him, TRYING to pay attention at the subject matter. We ended the night and said our goodbyes. I talked to my colleague after discussing his appeal to the both of us. We laughed it off, but I was determined to talk to him. The roller coaster ride of events that followed after was full of excitement and heartbreak. When we started talking on aim it stepped it up a notch in getting to know each other. I would feel more inclined to go to other folks events knowing that he’d be there. There was a time however, where my colleague was jealous of my friendship with him and told my core some stupid excuse in why we shouldn’t go support their event – the reason being that I wanted to just see Ben. -_- LAME! Childish acts like that erked me with my colleague resulting in animosity between us when we brought up Ben. 

Ben and I would have conversations of interests. Flirt. Do things that would make your body rush with excitement. For instance, when we shook hands, he would tickle the bottom of my palm. haha the first time he did that, I was like…WTF? -_- Oh did I mention, at the time he recently just came out…or was in transition -_-. We would talk sometimes on the phone, but he would leave me with more questions. Left uncertainty after conversations were done. It got to the point where I was real sprung off of him. YES? NO? He kept me close, when all I wanted was to escape. But ain’t that what happens…you wanna leave, but you don’t because you know it a temporary high. 

On and off, we would talk. But then I found out…he had a boyfriend -_- a boyfriend in which I was also working with currently at the time at his school…AWKKWARD. Which left me pissed and confused. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? His answer…I never got around to…-_- OOOOO-K. So this obviously made me not want to talk to him, which was the case in the end. But later on…it didn’t work out with his boyfriend…he then came back in my life…with my stupid ass letting him in once again. But AGAIN…it was an off and on basis with Ben. When he wanted to talk…-_- 

Fast forward…a year later…we’ve grown up and well moved on, but there was still a piece of me that still would give him that attention and time. We met at Fresh in Berkeley to just meet him after awhile of not seeing each other. My feelings came back for him. He was beautiful! REALLY though. My friends meet him too. He would give me looks without any words to accompany those looks, leaving me to try and decipher them after. We then would text each other after we went our separate ways, but it would always end up with us being frustrated and what not. 

I remember the final push for Ben, mind you we haven’t kissed or anything yet, only flirted. I was in the area…and well drunk…and I wanted to see him. He said he was down, but he was with a bunch of his roommates…I didn’t mind…I was cool just hanging out with him…Long story short…we ended up kissing…but when it was actually happening, the thoughts of “this is not what I expected” and “what are you doing Joaquin?” I was drunk and making out with him – definitely not the romantic setting nor place that I imagined. He ended up passing out, leaving me to think next to him…in disgust…-_- I was hurt again…So that for me was the last real encounter I had with him. 

He never understood why I was mad or hurt by him. He would say sorry, but he didn’t understand the reason for the apology. He would try to again gain my attention, but I had enough of it. Two years I felt wasted…I then deleted him off of myspace and eventually facebook. He would try and add me again and again, but I would refuse. My way of getting someone out of my life slowly…

Yesterday, he imed me…saying he missed me. Three years later…things are definitely not the same and I’m able to talk to him without any emotions attached. We lightweight reminisced about the things that I discussed earlier, and all we could do was respond with “lol” or “oh yeah I remember.” He then suggested for us to hang out. I was shocked and surprised, because he would always wait for me to ask. I then followed by saying, “When you have the time and date, thats when we’ll hang out.” Sometimes, your past experiences…makes you a lil bit stronger and wiser in dealing with bullshit people like Ben. Hes a great guy…just not the type that would make me happy relationship wise. 

– – – A S I A N P E R S U A S I O N

My first boyfriend that I really considered, Ken, was my treasured trophy piece. The year was coming to an end in 2004, but along with it I was getting to know Ken. He was your typical asian, rice rocket, chinese guy. Spiky hair, chinky eyes, medium built, smoked, and smelled like curve (the reason why I was so attracted to him), driving an RSX (is that what it is? haha). When I started talking to him, it was nothing…he was hard to get to know just because he wasn’t really “out”. Yet he was feeling me. My friend Jamie and I took at trip at his work in SF cause I wanted to see him for the first time. It was soooo cute cause I was hiding behind different isles, grabbing a peak at Ken at the counter. He would look at me like wtf is your deal. That was the first time I saw him and I was right off the bat “sprung”. Soon after, he came down to Mt. View to pick me up for a movie. Oh, I was just really getting the hang of meeting guys and how to act around them, so I was very much inexperienced. We sat next to each other at the theaters, but I couldn’t help stare at him avoiding the movie at all cost. I then said some cheesy line for me to grab his hand. -_- ugh lol (I hekka don’t try to do that shit no more lol). It was just a real nice feeling that I had never felt before…We then were at the parking lot…and well lets just say we got caught -_- LOL. =] it was a good caught though LOL. Thats when I asked him to be my bf. haha (Oh man when was the last time I asked someone to be my bf…oh man…geez) 

Now, I met his friend and she was tight…he was a bit older than me and definitely, I was a square bear when next to him…I just idolized him cause he was the first guy I believed too good to be true for me. I remember, I would drive all the way to SF (a snuck out to drive the car) and see him. It was raining one time and well I went to see him at his house. He invited me over and well…he was being a lil bitch cause I was on his bed and well he wanted to just watch TV. TYPICAL GUY ATTITUDE! UGH…I was all bitch pay attention to me. LOL. I was playfully arguing with him saying all he cares about is TV and not me. haha ugh sooo drama mama. Anyway, we cuddled and basically watched the rain pour down on the window. It was one of the ONLY moments in my life where I felt it was real romantic and movie like. I was like damnnn this is it =] I like this guy a lot.

Unfortunately, there came a time where I felt like he was totally different on the phone than in person. I kind of was a psycho back then in that I was challenging his affection towards me basing it on phone interaction vs in person. A valid argument, but eh. I ended up once again going to SF late at night, thats what I would do when we would get into a fight, I’d drive 45 mins just to see his ass. I was upset that night…I sat him down. Told him…if you want me to stay, I’ll stay, if you want to break up let me know. He had this look like he wasn’t having any of this. He told me, “You should know I don’t like talking about this stuff,” I looked at him like how else are we supposed to make things work or better if we don’t talk, “I just don’t like talking about my feelings.” as he finished his sentenced. I then asked again, do you want to break up with me? Cause at that time I was ready for it. He responded…no. 

Three days later, I felt like I was doing better. I wasn’t worrying about our relationship or nothing. I was doing fine. I also hadn’t talked to him since the day we talked. I called him and I happily asked what he was up to. He said stuff and just thinking. When he said thinking, I asked about what. He then responded…”I think we’re better off as friends.” UGHHH my heart broke in two…HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT? YOU SAID THREE DAYS AGO that you wanted to stay with me. He wasn’t even trying to work it out with me either…that was the worst part…he just gave up…I was like…ughhhh. On the phone I kept my cool…and then hung up…I was upset…totally upset. 

Fast Forward…SF then became a place where I dreaded to go. Memories of him every time I went to the city…I remember I would just drive up to his place and sit outside…wondering…wtf…stalkerish? Yeah…When I got to college freshman year, we ended up talking again…We spent a night where we watched a movie…it was nice…we caught up…but in the end…it led to nothing…

A few months ago, I saw him after 3 years…I was shocked…he looked so different. He had baggy eyes…and look like he was on crack or something…I was like WTF??? I said to myself, “WOW I had you at my prime.” lol…it was interesting…awkward hellos and goodbyes…thats all…I found him on myspace and messaged him if he wanted to hang out, but he never responded back. 

Last week…I saw him twice…I pretended I didn’t see him…and he did the same…its so weird…we had a great thing…and he just threw it away…and even being friends…we wouldn’t do it…=/

You sure was

I am on my DAY 3 hype and I’m doing a lot A LOT better. I’m glad I’m able to just pick myself like I did within these couple of days. I just realized the kind of WORTH I am to myself.

With the wise words of Vincent, know your worth – strive to get someone whos worth your time and whos at least good looking as you are. 

TRUE! But he also said, I think you don’t go for top notch cause you feel like you’re not worth it – or fear of rejection. 

TRUE! But I dunno…its weird…I seen my first ex on campus during practice. He locked eyes and for a second it was just me and him…then I turned my head as if I didn’t see him…he was smoking as usual. I saw him walk away, but I also saw him turn back right when I was looking at him. I quickly pretended not to see him. WHY DID I DO THAT? I could have waved…I dunno…hes mean. lol =/ mmm interesting though…Then I get a call from my recent ex and he was asking me if I was going to fuz and I was like NO! wth…and like he was trying to find a conversation to start with me and I had nothing to give him. It goes to show that I really am hard to get to know/read when I want to be.

Oh I dunno what this blog is about but…sigh…I’m still single! haha