Archive for ‘Mos’

November 16, 2010

iljb#135: Focusing on…

I’d love to say me, but its my job. I’m focusing all my attention on my job because I love it. Honestly, I have probably 5-6 hrs to myself and the rest of the day is spent sleeping or working. It actually is worth it because I work hard and its not that hard (what I do). Its chill and folks are nice. I like where I work.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…second

Family. I am so surprised how much me getting this job has gotten me closer to my mom and sister. Additionally, my family is just happy that I have a job and I update them about whats going on. Its nice. This Christmas is gonna be amazing for our family. Its not about the gifts that will be present this year, but the fact that we all were able to survive 3 years of bullshit. It was all worth the wait. All of us I think grew from the experience and we’re moving full speed ahead. For the first time in my life, I’m putting my family second and thinking about them. They deserve it.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…third

I’m focusing on me. Getting my shit together and what I want in life. I’m taking it day by day and each day brings a new revelation and experience that I didn’t learn from the previous day. I can honestly say that I am at my ultimate peak in my life because I know I can handle anything that can come my way. People come and go in my life, but honestly I think I already know those who will stay. The family & friends who’ve seen me grow. Unfortunately, I’m still dealing with those who just use me for whatever it is sex, money, friendship…alalaala whatever that might be. I think I’m just over it because I’ve put focus on my job, family, and myself I find it hard to put everything else in the forefront. Its time to give what hasn’t been given much attention that NEEDED attention. I’m sorry – but I think that relationship I was in “relationship” is going to have to be put on a hold – maybe for temp, but most likely for good. I can’t take care of another right now if I got three other things in a priority. Honestly, he had his chance and this “break” was just the ultimate final straw. I had to do it for us. I already saw he wasn’t where he was supposed to be and I was at a different end. We weren’t on the same page and even though I tried to say we were…we really weren’t. Crazy how a few weeks can change that. Oh well, lesson learned.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…fourth

Everything else. Hanging out and doing fun stuff just comes last now. I think I’ve spent enough of my years having fun and don’t get me wrong I think I still have time to have fun, but not like I used to. I’m on my grind and this is what it is. I live to work bc I need to help my folks and myself out. If I wanna move out, get a new car, help my family, and have a permanent job I need to honestly hold it down and toughen up. I know my priorities and its easy for me to say no to those that aren’t my priorities.I am blessed to have those who continuously stick with me. I don’t have time for bs friendships or acquaintances. After awhile you realize whose down for you and whose in it to just get you.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…and well thats my story and I’m sticking to it


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September 19, 2010

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August 14, 2010

iljb#129: Some things never change…

I spent my day after work just trying to relax…I wanted to take a nap, but instead caught up on Pretty Little Liars. Which is AWESOME by the way…I couldn’t help but just finish it…I can’t wait till it goes back on the air, its inttteeeense. Speaking of intense…I had a conversation with God today…

I was asking him what this whole deal is with talking to D again. I was trying to get some relief by him telling me the “answer”, but like God is, he just tells me to keep my head up. I guess I’m a lil uneasy esp. since yesterday I was supposed to hang out with D and his friends, but he never texted me or called me to tell me it wasn’t gonna go through. I guess thats all I really wanted was a “hey I don’t think we’re gonna see each other tonight” or something. I stayed in my nice clothes yesterday until elevenish hoping that maybe…just maybe I would be able to hang with his friends. Instead, I texted him so I guess we’re not seeing each ohter…He calls me later that night saying that hes drinking with his friends in Sj and blah blah. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so I replaced negative thoughts with positive ones.

Then today, things were cool…but after work texting him…I dunno I just felt…uneasy again. I mean from 7 to right now…I didnt get a text…and I’m trippin cause we’re not even together and me asking him to text me every 5 mins is crazy, cause I’m not like that. I guess I just want to know whats up? I dunno…He texts me that hes going to the city to a new gay club -_- GAMEBOI…I’m sure he’ll have fun seeing ALL the gays and their mamas at that club. I guess it erked me that he texts me that instead of calls me…I dunno…I’m being to critical…I guess…

I just don’t want to put all my eggs in a basket and have em crack like before…I was too naive the first time. I love being with him…I just hope its mutual…I know hes not gonna do something stupid at the club, if anything I hope he thinks about me when folks try and get at him, but thats all on him right? We’re not even together…We just started talking again…sigh…its gonna be almost a year since we first met…-_- blahhh

I sound so dramatic…I’m being such a booboo head…I hate when I get like this. I told myself I ain’t gonna wait on a guy. I’ma do me and thats exactly what I’m gonna do – but you know when you’re in that situation you can’t help but look at your phone hoping its him texting you. -_____- SOOO LAME.

I know I’m a great guy and if he fucks up this time around it won’t be anyones fault…it’ll just be a sign that we tried and it just didnt work out the 2nd time. -_- UGH I’m lame I already am setting myself up for …blah.

I realized something that Vincent pointed out jokingly the other day which I didn’t realize until he actually said it…I am needy. I need reassurance, and constant affirmation that we’re still in this together and to be honest thats how I am with everything friends, teachers, family…I just need to know that I’m doing alright…I guess growing up I didn’t have much reassurance…I’ve gotten a lot better with time…experience…yet its still there…

Yeah I am needy and thats why I’m like this. Its not so much I NEED HIM, its more of I need affirmation…is that bad?

My thoughts are getting the best of me so I’ll leave it to that.

THE SCRIPT <<< LOVE LOVE this band.

June 18, 2010

iljb#119: and its a pretty good one too.


Its totally unexpected, but I never thought to be a Bieber fan…honestly, I figured he was just a dude who all the lil girls like…but tell me why after I took the time to listen to some of his songs, that I’m like BIEB’d out. He’s a talented kid, yes he is – the N’sync of this young generation and he’s putting in the work. I know a lot of folks give him shit for …I dunno whatever reason, but hes good plain and simple and I like his songs. Esp Somebody to love (which btw I love the video for ahhh) and Never say Never. Hes great.

So last night I went to celebrate Vince’s birthday. HAPPY birthday. 23 man…big number. I’m embarking on my 24th year lol fuck. Anyway, we went to San Jose and did the bar thing. To be honest, SJ is kinda boring to me, not really my cup of tea. Even the bar scene isn’t that OOO or ahh…and security really…REALLY, it is not that serious! ugh. Anyway, I wanted to go to the gay club with Ryan, but I didn’t wanna leave the friends and the bday boy so I was really caught in between. However, when I did go to Bric, it wasn’t that great to begin with. Nice place tho, but not crackin. I wanted to go to CRAVE. cries. haha this is what happens when you have straight friends. I saw their faces…hella not feeling it haha. It was dead tho, we ended up at Temple and they was all over that place haha I was now the “observer”. Which by the way was interesting being since I was like, “OOo this is how some guys pick up girls…Ooo no…” haha saw one dude get rejected. haha FAIL. But it was alright, I just didn’t like how the club closed at like 1:30am and they kept on hitting this gong that was annoying. YUCK. I dunno, I felt lightweight that night. I drank a coors and a mixed drink and I was a lil buzzed, but more sick than buzzed. blah, was not feeling the alcky last night. We then went to La Vics and that was a good ending. HELLA good haha. Saw this cute guy – I was like AWEEE you’re fun. lol.

Speaking of guys, I keep on seeing Andys post pix lol I’m over it, I am. But just seeing it on my update feed brings me back to what he did to me. WHICH by the way is probably my karma for something I did or doing. Anyway, just seeing him happy is nice…I guess lol same with Joey…I’m like REEEEEEAALLY you’re with Rocko now lol WTF haha ugh I guess singers stick with singers…and thats why me and Joey didn’t click LOL ugh I was really trying to make that happen. haha and I love how he imed me one time saying, “I understand if you don’t want to talk to me.” and then stopped talking to me after that HAHA how rude. Summer…honestly, I had my lil date and I’m realizing that dating will probably tie me down from my dreams that I have for myself, which cannot happen. So…I guess I’m just coo with messing around or just having fun. shrugs. I dunno. Its not like I’m looking for it – honestly I’m not, I just get in that situation where opportunity arrises. Does that make me a whore lol. A WHORE is someone who looks for it – I just get it LOL. ugh nvm. lol I’m okay with guys right now…the recent one I dates was cool really cool. But its like…I felt he was missing something important…me for me. I dunno…I tried it out for the 3rd time, but by then I was like I’m really not feeling it.

I guess it was my bad for not communicating with him that I was over it, I just don’t do well with that. We were doing all this through text…this “lets stop dating.” Which proves to me that thats the kinda respect we ultimately gave it each other, we couldn’t even do it on the phone. shrugs, so I gave him that respect back. I didn’t deny what he was saying, I just agreed. Yes, I didn’t communicated, you deserve better, and I’m sorry. I mean what more did he want. He then texted me saying we shouldn’t talk for awhile and leave this be. I was like alright. Next morning I get fwd texts for all the shit I sent him and he goes take all this bullshit back, they didn’t mean anything. LOL I shrugged because WHO does that? HELLA dramatic. lol I was like alright you’re cool. But I get it, I hurt him and well thats that. I just wasn’t feeling the pay for me all the time. IT WAS NICE, don’t get me wrong, but theres a point where its like you gotta be fair and let each other pay…we only been in 3 dates and I felt like we were already COUPLING each other right. He used the, I felt like you used me for sex. MMM well I was like whatever, then you never got who I was really to begin with if you thought that was my intentions. WE had moments where we were in heat and that was mutual, but don’t just say that was it. I guess thats where it just ended when I felt after kissing…the conversations just dwindled.

This is my karma. lol I’m gonna get it real bad. When I talk with someone in the future that I like, this exact situations gonna happen to me. lol oh fuck…whatever. Its fine. I gotta focus on other things anyway.

LIKE moving! lol I’m so on this move, I see signs pointing to LA and thats all I need to validate myself. I also done the calculations with the TIPS I make at work, if I make a min of $10 each time I work for 2 weeks/5 days x 2 x 7= 1,400 LOL haha I know my math is weird, but I get it haha anyway, its like thats how much I can save uppp at least 1,000 just from tips. RIGHTTTTT???? I dunno, thats the biggest priority right now…then rent, phone bill, and everything else. I spend most of my money on gas and food. THATS it. ugh -_- haha i did my calculations and I can save 10,000 by the end of this year. AMAZING right lol thats all hard work by me. haha and we’re getting a 25c raise in July…oh fuck haha. SEE, this is why I can’t find another job. blah…I’m building my resume as we speak, I’ll have it up soon.

ANYWAY, did a new video for youtube…I feel like my youtube fan base has decreased…I mean…sadly its not the same viewership as before…its decreased with respect since I don’t update much. But its all good, its quality, not quantity.

WELL, to end my rant..I’ll say this…

I WANNA WATCH TOY STORY 3 lol cries. Anyway I’m gonna take a nap lol BIEBER!!!

April 16, 2010

iljb#104: Words.iThink.Stuff

So I should be sleeping right now – I mean I did work my ass off to get shit done and I did.

I did something good. I took care of business. I had fun.

But why do I feel so empty like I’m missing/missed something.

Maybe its all this work and no actual play.

Lets just cut the bullshit. I haven’t had any contact with lips/dick/ass/ for a long time…and its getting in my head. lol…BUT I guess its alright – no I know its alright cause I know I’m getting ready for “him” whoever that “him” is…bitch is taking too long LOL.

I need to have fun.
NOW! lol


Somewhere here would be nice

April 5, 2010

iljb#97: Moving … on?

It just happens that I stumbled on this when I searching for the next picture to post. Mmmm its destiny talking huh?

I guess I’m feeling tired, nostalgic, hopeful, and just dreamy all in one tonight. After talking to Mary about the past, present, and future, I determined for myself that moving is a big step and is a possibility. Right after I graduate – I can potentially save 7,000 alone with work…how amazing would this be? How awesome? This is the sacrifice I must take if I want to move to SoCal. I got to set my life straight before I head out into territory unknown. I graduate next month and its too close for comfort to realize all my dreams are sooo close. I look at my calendar and it is definitely time crunch, but my body is shutting down on me.

I can’t help but wish that I had someone in my life I could share my troubles, hopes, dreams, whatever with…that was Danny…but that was a fail right…most definitely. I can’t help but just backtrack a lil on the hopeless relationships I’ve been in. Regardless, *BIG SIGH* I have so much to look forward to in life…I just need to rest up and conserve my energy. FUCK…I don’t think I’m going to do any hw…I’m so fucking tired…

ANYWAY, I am blessed each day that I am given the chance to live. I am blessed that god has yet to condemn me to hell for all my pitiful sins…that hes given me a second chance and he forigives. I just need a little more reassurance Lord that you will help heal me, be there at my most uncertainty, guide me to the road I need to take. I do all this HELP/ADVICE/YOUTUBE/TALKS to all these people. Friends, strangers, people I know, people who I’ve met only once…but sometimes…I just spread myself and advice too thin that I don’t have enough strength to take my own.

Its rare that I feel like I’ve gotten advice out of no where…and advice that doesn’t regard me being sad…just random advice…its rare…

But what can I do…its who I am. I live for this shit…

MOVING… yeah….

I’m moving on from you, this, and that…cause you’ve stopped me before in living my life…I’ve stopped…now I gotta just move on…

April 3, 2010

ilikejoaquin’s BURN BLOG PART ONE

A few days ago I had decided to make a list at work (my mind wanders as you are about to read) of the guys that did me right, fucked me over, and those guys that just are DOUCHE BAGS. So who made the cut? ha. I guess this was my bit of therapy at work while dealing with the constant question of why the fuck am I still single? Well here goes.

THE WORST: I think out of all the guys that I experienced, the one who hurt me the most was Teekz. FUCK that bitch. lol, I can laugh about it now and if I ever did see him again I wouldn’t think much of it. However, when I look back at 2 years go, its like DAMNNNN you was a bitchh and a fucking liar who manipulated me into thinking he was “STRAIGHT” and he was “SINGLE” which both were complete lies. I never got burned this hard ever and even after that did I ever experience the worst when I was with this dude. There was something about him…a swagger I couldn’t pin point, but it made me want to go out of my way to just be there. My friends thought he wasn’t that great to begin with and well … I never listen right lol. So when I did tell one of my friends about him, they told me that we had a mutual friend who was actually dating him…for like almost a year. I was kind of shocked, but I still went through with it. Long story short…I we hung out one night and I dropped him off…We actually never kissed surprisingly…but a lot of heated tension was there and flirting. Anyway, I dropped him off to find that his current bf was there waiting for him…and it was raining LMAO HAHAH holy crap it was like a scene from a movie. THE BOYFRIEND who waited until his boo came home so he could smash the trick he was with…and that trick happened to be me. lol But all said and done…Teekz did all he could to prove that he was innocent…he apologized…I still wanted to be his friend…blah blah…HOT MESS! haha goes to show that trust issues can be broken by only one person…and after that…all the relationships you get with are based on that person and moment…Its true for me…can’t help it right? I MEAN BITCH REALLY LIED lol haha…shrugs the past is the past…but he was definitely the WORST!

THE CRUSH A LOT: Ben was one of the first guys I met not on the internet. I was excited because he was cute…I only knew he was gay because his cousin told me he was. After that…I tried to get to know him…something in the middle got complicated and we never got together…not even talked. He was cute…we’d text each other randomly and well I was confused at times with him. He was the type that liked attention given to him, but never reciprocating any of it to me. I guess I was just a fool. This was my sophomore year (sigh things were so much nicer back then lol). Flash back a year later…we ended up drunk at his place and I kissed him…AFTER all that not doing stuff with him…that kiss definitely ruined it for me and him. I was like, “WTF? THIS IS WHAT I WANTED?” lol nah but its one of those things where it just didn’t click after the kiss…I was like ugh this is lame…and left lol haha.

Then there was Ryan. OHHHH fuckking Ryan. When I was with my boyfriend my freshman year, all I could think of is how I wanted him instead LMAO HAHA was that bad? But then again he was the guy that was supppper adorable and supppper cute. He had that face, he had swagger, and he said and did things that would make you want to be with him. After a few months or so…we did try to get with each other…or at least I did…but he ended things with me telling me he was focused on school and everything else…I was bummed out…NEXT THING YOU KNOW a few weeks later a mutual person we know IMs me saying that he knew I liked Ryan and there was something between us. I was like yeah there was whats it to you. He goes, well a few weeks ago…I fucked him. GASP *JAW DROPS* the same week he decided to not talk and text me. I was like WTFFFFFFF. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I was so mad because I thought we were doing great…but turns out he was just trying to give it up to this bitch. LOL…Funny thing is I haven’t talked or spoken to him in years…until he texted me two days ago asking how I knew a roommate of mine…I was like WHATEVER lol…I was sprung on him…unfortunately he never felt the same.

BOY this is getting juicy. lol There was Jimmy. THE CUTEST UNDERAGED BITCH I knew LMAO HAHAHAHAHA. At the time I thought he was at least 18…or 17…LOL when we first met…he told me he was 16 turning 17. LOL I was like wtffffff LMAO haha I was like 21 I think. Anyway, I called him my Jimmy Nutron lol…WHY? I dunno. Anyway, he and I were trying to work it out…but I so turned off because he always had to rub in his SMARTness to me. How he has a 4.0 or whatever. Which was great, but damn do you need to rub it in. He also was trying to beat me up cause he does martial arts and shit. I was like damn…He was super hot though. I was like DAMNNN foreal, but just connection wise…I was a lot older and he was just in hs…I was like how the fuck does this work? I had to drop him and when I did he goes, “OH thats fine I know someone else whos smarter, my age, has a job, and drives…so see ya.” I’m like WTF? LOL I laughed it off…a few years later I guess we met up again trying to rekindle whatever it was…but there was nothing…just sexual tension lol.

Then theres Andy. Oh Andy. When I first saw him I thought he was sooooo adorable. Looks can be deceiving. He messaged me first (he was always the one messaging me first). At the time he was with this bf and I thought it was weird how he would always text me to go to a club or go meet him somewhere and I’m like so how does your bf feel about this and he goes he’s jealous. I was like alright. haha I never met him until 2 months later after he tells me that hes actually broken up with his bf. I’m like this bitch. I was hesitant, but I did it anyway. When I met him…I tried my hardest not to smile or think he was cute. BUT this fool was hitting all the right places with spitting game and everything. He was telling me he was over his ex and all that stuff (which in my head I knew was bs). He was also just saying how he wanted to go on a date with me and all that stuff…I dunno things moved fast, but I just felt like alright sure…I’ll take the risk. Long story short…he tells me one day he wasn’t over his ex after all and drops me. Now…he just wants to be FRIENDS and stresses the FRIENDS part…He’s a total douche…reminds me of Teekz because he did exactly the same thing to me that Teekz did…LIE. He also has a good way of making himself look and sound like the victim or the right person…Its fine…I think at this point this is my goodbye to this bitch. I can’t laugh at it yet cause its still fresh. I’m definitely over him. He’s the 2nd worst.

Now…those were just the beginning…those were the good and bad, but the following were the ROUGHEST and craziest relationships I’ve been in.

THE STRESS: I knew Kit for a while, but I remember him telling me he tried to hollah at me to go to some bus and I ignored him. Well shit…wtf was I supposed to do lol. He had this accent which I thought was so cute. I remember the first time I met him, I went out of my way to go to the Castro to meet him. He was still getting over his ex…ugh. I noticed that, I get with folks who are just out of a relationship…and a bad one for that matter. Anyway, at the end of the night I remember him saying to his friend, “Awww I like this one.” AWW it still makes me smile because its so simple but it means a lot you know. Anyway fast forward…I was always at his place more than mine…I disappeared and I dunno how I did it cause didn’t I have school? LOL I felt like I didn’t have school. it was funny…Oh cause I was on break…FUCK well it was nice because I felt comfortable being there with him, but then at the same time I felt like fuckkk I don’t have room to miss him…We were dating for almost three months already and its like fuckk when are we gonna be official. The bad thing about this was I always had to prove myself to him. I had to prove to him that I wasn’t like this or that. I was doing this because I loved him blah blah. I did stuff for him that I never did for people. I gave up myself to make him happy. It was then that I realized fuck…I can’t do this. We even took a socal trip with my friends with him…and that just proved shit if you can’t hang with me in a trip…then how can I hang with being with you? I broke it off…and he then was like wait…no…he wanted me back…he was begging and he told me that he doesn’t beg…I guess I was just fed up with all the bs that I went through with him, all the fights that weren’t necessary, all the yelling, all the uncertainty afterwards. I was like I can’t do this…I just wanted a break…but it ended up being a total break. He got me nervous to the point where I cried to him cause I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t stop. He looked at me and was like “WTF why you crying.” It just felt cold…and after 3 months of just being together…thats you get? He was the closest I had to a REAL BF relationship…it just went so wrong in so many areas…I thought about him a few days ago…just wondering maybe I gave up to fast? =/ Nah…I had to let it go…I wonder if he learned anything from us…

Soon after…I met this guy named Jhordan…BOY oh boy…it started off as just friends, then business, then mixing friends with business…I’m just like wtf. Everything I said was twisted and again I felt like I had to prove myself. This guy was a grown ass man, but I felt more mature than he was. He wasn’t even out. When folks introduce me to their families or friends…I feel more connected…and thats what happened…I was connected with him…however, he always got mad at me for the simple things, bring up the past, push my buttons. He even threatened to key my car one time…I broke it off cause we were business partners that turned relationship status…I liked him…I did stuff for him, but I just felt like I was pushing it and he was definitely pushing my buttons. At the time I was dealing with a lot of depression in my life and it seemed that was my scape goat…but I felt like if I didn’t get out of that relationship…I woulda killed myself. We didn’t even last two months into getting to know each other…it was too crazy begin with. STRESS STRESS…he was probably the third worst…ugh…

I learned a lot from both of these relationships though and I don’t hate them at all, I hated the situation that we were in. THERES A BIG DIFFERENCE.

Well this is getting too long and I think I vented enough…next topic will be the guys who were good, but didn’t work out because they were douche bags…but they were still sweet. lol Also, those I hurt and why…Until next time!

March 3, 2010

iljb#89: Something before I sleep

I love this picture of this girl, for whatever reason, it reminds me of SF and how totally “in” we are. lol I love SF so much…I’m seeing bits and pieces of it that I never experienced and seen before. It feels nice. I have an outreach event for elementary school students tomorrow and before I go to bed…this is what I am doing…I have so much on my mind…I can’t just go to bed yeahno?

See…I felt moded yesterday after buying this dude coffee…today I felt more moded by saying he was handsome…man efff this…you hear those stories of “being real” or “say whats on your mind”…sometimes doing just that makes the situation even worse…its a good thing no doubt, but sometimes…you just need to shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself. After today, I think I’m over the fact of just trying something with anyone. I mean…I gave it a hiatus…and then went back to it…then now I’m back to just saying OKAY real talk…fuck this…

I’m handling a lot.

FilGrad, PCN, TA, Graduation, PACE, Project Connect, work…these are all major shit…no wonder I’m tired…shit and I thought 21 units was hard…fuck…

Well back to what I feel…I dunno…I guess it wasn’t worth putting my ass on the line…I mean waste of breath when I think of it…waste of texts…waste of just anticipation for what…a phone call??? SEE I hate the fact that most of the dudes I know don’t know how to CALL a foo…its just a text…whatever…LAME…not for me…

NEVER MIND this …

I’m going to wake up tomorrow…starting MARCH out fresh…its already the 3rd and I’m wondering where the hell MARCH is taking me…=/ I’m super scared…I’m not sure whats happening…but I know after tomorrow…shoot…I’ll be better…

I’m tired…bc of today, the bullshit, somewhat life…

I just want to relax…I guess we have THURSDAY for all that….=] WELL…lets get it crackin…

February 3, 2010

ildd#2: The TEXT

So I guess this guy texts me saying hi. I look at the number on my phone and I have no idea who it is. I text back saying hi. He texts back saying its been a long time since we’ve talked. Apparently, I am unaware of this encounter so I reply, who is this? He tells me his name. I still can’t recall who it is so I just play it off by saying Oh hey whats up. We end up texting each other small talk until I ask…where are you from? He says the city. I then try real hard to figure out who this guy was. Is it someone I messed around with? An old friend? Someones friend of a friend. Is is someone who I don’t like? I then ask one more time, who is this. He then says, I’m an old aquantance. We never met before, but we did talk a lot on aim and you helped me a lot with stuff. I then smile, but then get concered…I text…so how’d you get this number? He texts me with his answer. I then reply…oh alright…He then says he needs to go but he’ll talk to me later. I go…oh okay.

Three days later I get a call from the same number. I answer. Hello? The voice on the other end says hi its me. I hesitate then remember, oh hey whats up. He then asks me simply – can we meet up? I then laugh and say whoa I ain’t like that. He quickly says its not that, I don’t want to mess around, I just want to finally meet you. My head is spinning with the idea, but realize how crazy it was. I reply um…I’m sorry I’m busy and well I don’t really feel comfortable in doing that. He then replies ok. He then says he needs to go. We hang up.

Thats how it started and thats how it ended.

December 18, 2009

iljb#77: Getting back to BASICS

I guess I had to go through the most fucked up month, endure the most hurtful weeks, and take in the days that came to fully regain a sense of myself – who I was before all this was. Remembering the strength I had before he came a long, before fixed friendships, before family drama, before school hit. Remembering the strength I had is something euphoric right now and I’m trying to basque in its memory.

Remember your worth – I kept reminding myself this all through the summer and all through the beginning of school. Since I’ve forgotten that along the way, I now remember why its important. If he don’t like you, can’t handle “this” thing you’re putting out, can’t hang – then shit wasn’t worth the time in the end. Take it for what it is and move on – remembering your worth before 2009 ends is muy importante.

Courage and strength – Remember that you have a voice and that voice is powerful. No matter what may come your way, stand your ground. If you don’t like it – say something. If you’re sad, pissed, depressed, happy, whatever – DO IT and be proud doing it. Not many people will realize this until later on – but you know it now…remember your courage and strength. YOU ARE SUPERMAN!

Forgive – Whatever happened in the past happened for a reason – move on now because life is to short to be wasting on unhappy thoughts. Remember to attain your goal, you must be happy. But you can’t be happy unless you let go of all those negative nancies. Forgiveness is hard, but truth be told, one who forgives is the happiest of all.

Happiness in me – When it comes down to it, you can only rely on yourself and no one else. You can make yourself sad – but you have the power to make yourself happy. DO JUST THAT – be happy and actually BE happy. Things could be worse. Its in you – you just have to find it again.

The basics…I’m realizing that maybe I was ready to settle down…but I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t. I have so many dreams and goals…that I guess if he ain’t there to witness them then shit…I guess it wasn’t worth it. I’ll be okay…I’m okay. Even though its been only 2 days since I’ve talked to him – its been hard…

Mornings aren’t the same…neither are night times…afternoons are dull…eh…but it goes to show I was dependent on him…I gave it my best 100% and I have no shame.

Lets get back…get it all back…

December 14, 2009

iljb#76: Its harder than it looks.

I guess the day after hurts more than the actual moment. Today was a bit rough – slow start – but nevertheless rough. I couldn’t help but think that I was told, “…for right now, its better that we’re just friends.” I guess…I’m still confused about what that means because the past few months that we did talk…we were friends first – the attraction and affection came second…so I’m not sure what to feel or how to act right now…These confessions of mine are often buried and are often unknown to many, but I’m letting it out right now…because it hurts to much to be kept inside. Its harder than it looks…but I’ll manage…I always do.

It started off with me driving to Emeryville to meet him. I was so excited cause I haven’t seen him for over a month. It was so exciting because I finally was going to see him (I joked around about not being able to remember how he looked like). As I was driving I thought about the first thing that I would do. I would get out of my car, see him, hug and spin him as I say I missed you so much…When I parked…I saw him, I hugged him…but I guess I didn’t get the same in return when I come to think of it. His arms were to his side as I wrapped mine around them…I thought to myself…damn…this is what I get after not seeing you for over a month…I guess – and I figured…after knowing each other for a quite some time now, his PDA worries would have died…I mean…when I’m with him – the world suddenly stops and its just me and him…its been like that since I started to talk to him.

We walked like “friends” into the Public Market trying to find what to eat…I didn’t want to it, but I guess I gave in…we sat down…and I was so flustered for some reason…I didn’t know where my head was at…I guess I was just overwhelmed with him being in front of me…hes so beautiful…his smile…I guess he caught me spacing off and was like, “wtf?”, but I apologized and said I had so much to say that I forgot all of em…he nodded his head like usually.

Before we headed to the movies, we started to make out…It felt so good, but I felt like something was holding him back…I guess it felt like he didn’t want to do it, but I just figured that was just him being him…but we ended up just messing around and for that moment I felt so good that we were together…we were spending time with one another…I just missed his body next to mine. After…I was smiling as I said, “Damn that was hot.” I was so excited cause it was exciting. He on the other hand acted like he did something very bad and was ashamed about it…I asked him what was wrong, but he just replied that he was just tired…He said that the last time something like this happened because something was bothering him…I should have taken note of that…But I genuinely thought he was tired…so we just went on our way. I paid for his movie ticket…he didn’t seem to have any hesitation in letting me, I guess I wanted to buy it for him – even though I should have made him pay…I’m really broke…but I figured – I don’t put limits into the dude I’m talking to…if anything I’ll find ways to make it work no matter what. I’m just thankful he said thank you…last time I paid…he didn’t even say thank you.

We sat down and I started to hold his hand…but I felt like he was being distant…I dunno…I thought that was just him, but…I thought since we hadn’t seen each other he’d be more affectionate…more loving? But he was distant…leaning on the other side of the seat rather than closer to me…even holding his hand seemed like a task…but I guess I let it slide cause I didn’t want to push it…I guess thats just him I told myself…We watched Princess and the Frog and it was a really cute movie…I kept on thinking about him throughout the movie…telling myself…he’s my prince…and I’m so happy that I’m next to him…

The movie ended and we started to walk back to the car. We were conversing about how good the movie was and all that. I wanted to tell him that he was my Evangeline but something inside me told me not to say it…so I didn’t. He told me he needed coffee so we went and got coffee. We roamed around Boarders after awhile…he hit the kids section and he was telling me about how he wants to get a new book for his kids (he takes care of kids). I said why not make your own book and share with your kids what you made. He paused and smiled saying he’d like that. He was telling about this stuff animal that he found and it was a character from Dinsey – similar to Dora – and I was looking at the price thinking in my head that I’ll get it for him since he was so thrilled about it…but I kept that in the back of my head…Christmas is coming up soon right?

So we ended up in the car and he started off with a strange statement, “So how was your day?” and I was like…wtf? Then he followed it with, “So what are you doing.” and I knew then that something was up…I asked him if he had something on his mind…and he said he did. To be honest…my heart was racing because I was excited and scared…is he going to ask me out? He eased the conversation by saying, “So I’ve been thinking…like what are we doing…what are we…where are we going with this…?” My excitement soon turned into disbelief…is he breaking up with me? (too bad we were never together and we’ve only been talking for 3 months as “friends”) He then explained how he feels like since he broke up with his ex a few months back that he’s never felt single…or experienced being single. He was saying that he just hasn’t had that independence.

I couldn’t look at him while he talked to me because my body was shaking inside from the disbelief of hearing what was coming out of his mouth…He was telling me that he likes me a lot and he doesn’t wanna lose me, but at the same time he wants his independence and this chance to work on himself. WORK on himself? I just was in shock…I didn’t know how to react…I was quiet for the most part…He replied…”Please say something…” Well…what the hell do you say after 3+ months of talking and you spring this shit up…Me and him have never gotten into an argument and we’ve been a good couple – something I really cherished…so him saying this is like an unexpected earthquake…shocking…He got emotional telling me that I’m different…I listen to him and I make him feel like he has something to say…He was telling me his ex’s, family, and best friend don’t even do that…It was at this moment that I extended my hand to him…I was trying to not cry and get emotional…I guess be strong for the both of us…

I guess what got to me is the fact that…we mess around earlier…and he nodded saying yeah…he didn’t want to do that…but it just happened…he couldn’t help it…he missed me…He also explained that he wanted to just be distant, but it was hard…He also admitted that when we was rude or being mean to me throughout the time…it was because of his frustration of what he was feeling about our relationship. He didn’t want to drag it any longer…and said that he wanted to meet up tonight to tell me. He wanted to meet me at my apt and hang out instead of Emeryville…but he knew that was a bad idea. He continued saying that he knows he could do better…in treating me right, but its like he doesn’t have his shit together…I guess? I dunno I’m still confused about that…

He said that he just wants us to just be friends…but its like we were friends minus me saying I miss you…so thats what I wasn’t totally upset…he didn’t show affection that much in the relationship…but I thought of that as something we could work on together in the process…he said he knows guys want me and he feels like he shouldn’t be the reason that I shouldn’t pursue them…but its like…I don’t want them…I want you…I’ve wanted you ever since I met you…You’re more than I could ever ask for…it just doesn’t make sense…I don’t want to get to know folks…he was telling me that he doesn’t want me to wait…but its like shit I’ll wait to get your shit together because I know WE work well…He continued saying…I still want to spend new years with you and go to that basketball game with you if you’ll let me…but in my head I’m just like wtf…ugh…its not the same…But at the time I said of course I’d like that…

I reassured him that I’ll wait and agreed if something does happen in our lives…we’d let each other know (if someone else interest us)…but now when I think of it…this situation seems so cliche…its sad…it breaks my heart…couldn’t have have waited AFTER finals was over…Lena said, “guys like that don’t care about shit like that.” I agreed…cause I was like that guy too…this situation reminded me so much of how one year ago I ended it with this guy I was with…for 3 months…WOW…I’m just realizing it…sigh…this was the same place that I actually ended it with that dude one year ago…wow….

I’m slowly realizing this…ha…full circle…the irony…I dump one…and a year later I am the one that gets dumped…

He said to sum it up that we are going to be friends…but friends that like each other…

….

WTF….

I don’t get it because now its making me think that the reasons why…aren’t matching up…I did more that everything for him…been there for him…I did nothing wrong but show him what a true man is capable of being to him…I dunno now…I’m actually hurt…

Tonight he called and I ignored it…it was so hard…but I had to…if he wants to grow…he has to grow without me being there…it just makes sense right? Thats exactly what he wanted and stated…

I’m so lost…I’m feeling like shit…this sucks…but on the other hand I said to myself…things could be worse…

I give my all…genuinely give my all, but it never amounts to the fairy tale ending I want…

Its harder than it looks…

I need your advice on this situation…

How do I be a friend that he likes and give him the space and independence he needs? I like him a lot…I’ve put so much into this…Why did this happen? Is this my own karma? Like that Glee episode…You can’t always get what you want….

SIGH…maybe thats it…I can start my year off right…without someone by my side…cause I’ve made it through a tough year…and I can begin a new one alone….

THIS IS HARD….

ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE….

FUCK….

If I meant so much to him…why do I feel so unappreciated? =/ I guess I shouldn’t wait like I said I would…you let me go…and I guess thats a choice you’ll have to work out…

November 12, 2009

ramble ramble

i feel dumb right now cause i feel like i should start on my hw, but im stuck thinking of stupid things in my head…i feel like a mess. my head is a mess bc i have so many thoughts running in my head. i want to give up bc thats the easy way out of all this, but i have so many people who depend on me and my strength. it sucks bc when im not at my 100% state, everything else around me seems to just pass me by. i hate the fact that when i am at this state…i cant get a hand from folks to help me out of it. snap out of it…snap the fuck out of it. you are stupid for feeling this way. youre better than this. i know but its crazy how these insecurities of mine have a mind of their own. i took a nap already, but im sleepy again. why? i fucking slept already. sigh i think a big reason of why im feeling this way is bc im out of job. i guess im just going through that motion of how to get back on my feet. its really hit me hard and ive tried my best to be ok…but its not ok…im in a situation that i should have handle much better from the get. sigh its just hard…i have to work extra hard now to get that job. i know i can. i cant disappoint my family…i cant disappoint myself…i have to do this…if anything this is one of the hardest times ive had in a long time…its emotionally draining and its just emotional…the tears that i want to cry arent there…the people that i need arent there…im taking this all out of context…i dunno is that even the right way to describe it? im really just over it…after this month…its done. ill be done…and half way done with my senior year. im over this…im over having this…

if i gotta make it on my own…i guess thats what ill have to do…ive sacrificed a lot already…i dont have the energy to go and apply to grad school…

Listen…

Can’t count on you most of all when I really need it
It’s the simple things that you do, really hurt my feelings
The more I try, the more I’m starting to see it
This can’t work anymore, than you believe it

Goodbye may come as a shock
Even though I love you a lot
I’ve given every breath I’ve got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

Listen…

I just don’t know what the problem is, what the deal is
Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldn’t see it?
All these promises are probably how you deal with it
I’m tired of hearing you say your innocent

Don’t think I forgot
Because I really didn’t care if you’re lying a lot
I’ve given every breath I’ve got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

We all make mistakes
Sometimes we do desperate things
What does it prove? NOTHING
And you never do nothing wrong

Then what took you so long, took you so long
Cuz I keep, keep hanging on, keep, keep hanging on

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

So don’t promise me
So don’t promise me

edit: I just took a depression test – I have moderate depression…

November 10, 2009

iljb#68: I figured I’d worry

I am just bound to kill myself in worries. I mean I can’t help it right and even if I could – I always want things to have a plan or some sort of reasoning behind it. Worry…that best describes me. I worry too much about the little things because I am paranoid and because I am insecure about certain things. Its funny how I can just pretend and act like I got it all handled, fact of the matter is…I’m a hot mess. I figured I’d worry because playing it too safe or not being careful in what I do ends up in chaos…I hate chaos.

I think about relationships, work, school, me constantly. I can’t take a break with my thoughts. I just imagine one day that everything in my head will just stop running around and just for once sit and just take things as they come. But its not like that…my head/mind is like a busy street downtown sf. Everything and anything is crossing, walking, driving, honking…its a mess. I woke up today thinking of the worries and insecurities I had from the night before.

I can’t blame myself, but its so easy to ya know. Its only right to. You know…I hate when I’m not all together because I can’t be there for those who need me…I end up being mia or just not there completely. Like I told Terri a week ago, I felt like I was there…but mentally I was somewhere else…just out of it…Today…I couldn’t believe what was occuring…again…I’m here…where I was a month ago…I can’t believe that it was just a week ago when the world seemed to just crash down. It seemed so much longer.

I figured I’d worry because there is much to. I took my GRE yesterday and the writing wasn’t my worry – it was the quantitative and verbal. Shit…I didn’t study for it and well…it showed in my scores. Luckily those scores aren’t the ones to determine my grad school. You know…this grad school business has just been in my head…I haven’t really been doing any application or writing…See…the reason why I’m doing a lot of the things I’m doing right now is because I decided I was going to grad school…but damn…I’m so worried that I wont be able to get there…I’m so scared…I feel so alone…

Mentally and physically I’m tired…I mean…my eyes just want to shut down because I’m so tired…I had a relaxing weekend however, but if all works well those weekends will again turn into work weekends. I don’t have time for these thoughts running in my head…but shrugs…its there…so I figured I’d worry…cause its the only thing I know for sure I do best…

November 10, 2009

iljb#67: Oh fuck…

I don’t think I’m there yet, however, its a feeling that I am aware of and well I wouldn’t be surprised if it slipped out of my mouth. When am I supposed to say it? Am I even supposed to say it? I even asked a friend…when should we be official…I mean it has been 2 months already…I said 4 months, then she goes thats like too late for me…and I go mmmm I dunno…I don’t want to ask =X haha. I guess I’m just enjoying right now…and I feel lucky.

Oh FUCK…I love you is a funny statement though. haha

November 1, 2009

iljb#64: Trouble in the Fam.

“I’ll pay you $200 dollars every month if you lend me $900.”

It seems like all that hard work to get shit paid ain’t enough. I’m trying my best…$900 more? Damn…I’ve helped enough…$2000 dollars out of my own money…now $900? FUCK. I’m barely making it right now because of work…I can only take care of myself…I can’t take care of 4 other people…grown adults for that matter…

Yal don’t understand…its not that I don’t want to hang out…its not that I’m picking and choosing…its just I have way bigger responsibilities than I thought I’d ever have.

“Pray for your brother…hes lost all his hair…eyebrows…lets hope its not cancer.”

How the hell do you take that information in? Shit…I’ve had a scare with my mom with breast cancer…now its my brother? I mean…fuck…I’m out here getting mine…its hard…I’m sad.

I’m not going to school to just get an education…I’m using my financial aid so I can help my family out.

Man…=[ this sucks…this really bites…I gotta hustle more…I gotta keep that smile…
but right now…its hard when I got shit to worry about like this…money….health…

“If your brother loses his job…thats it for us…”

sigh wtf?!?! mann…..=[

UGHHHHHHHHHH

October 29, 2009

iljb#63: I FEEL…

as though I shouldn’t be here. Where is here? The library…I know, I know, I’ve chosen to be here…I could be technically anywhere right now, but I chose to be here. So…why am I so upset? I’m upset because I feel like all this work, all this studying, all this annex work…is it all worth it? Am I going to look back and say…damnnn Joaquin, you sure worked your ass off fall semester…Shit…if thats the case…why do I feel like I’m still half ass’n? I feel so…well…disconnected right now with my friends, feelings, goals. Ultimately, I’m left feeling lonely…

Things have been just bothering me and just eating me up…my insecurities have definitely re-surfaced. However, I’m finding that I am able to face this demon that I once hid from and speak to “it”. I’m telling it to stop bothering me, I understand that things are not what they used to be – I am not what I used to be…but I’m telling it to stop. It feeds me so many lies, I swear I feel like I don’t know which ones are the truth and which ones are lies anymore…I feel so…

Well to begin with…I started thinking today…is this graduate school idea the best idea for me right now? Looking at what I need to do, what I need to get…I just feel like its overwhelming – I’m not even sure anymore…I don’t know where my life is going to take me next semester…You know whats weird…the fact that a few weeks ago…I had no problem with saying, “DREAM BIG” or “I CAN’T GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS.” But why does it feel like I’m giving them up right before my eyes…I have these jitter bugs…I don’t know if I can do this anymore…sigh…

I sit in class and I half pay attention because some of the concepts have been repeated over and over – being an Asian American Studies major has definitely just drained all the energy out of me…it sure has just become more of a pain learning all this shit – but a good pain because it hurts that this has been affect me and the rest of my community for years now. I know that what I do now is going to benefit my community in the end. I will become a counselor – a teacher – someone that makes an impact in ones life…

SIGH right now however, I feel so…alone…

I want to say what I feel, but I’m hurt. I want to say everything…

October 24, 2009

iljb#61: I don’t need sunshine to know I’m bright

There are some days where waking up is hard. Maybe you stayed up late the night before, you have responsibilities ahead, or you just don’t want to face reality. Whichever it is know that even know that you don’t need sunshine to know that you’re bright.

Self awareness and self strength is the most important part of keeping it together. When facing adversity, all that you have left at times is your inner strength. If you don’t believe in yourself and always let people tell you how to act, what to say, let them tell you what you should believe…then who have you ultimately become…and what have you ultimately lost?

If you are the lonely number in the equation – doesn’t mean you’re wrong – maybe everything else doesn’t add up for a reason.

October 14, 2009

iljb#56: Empower thy self

Everyday I’m hustling, everyday I’m hustling cause I’m a mothah fucking hustlah bitch!

With every punch I get, I bring back 10 fold and hit you with the realness

FUCK that. I say to myself. I won’t let no mother fucking bitch bring me down. Insignificant is the key word there. TRUST that I can handle my own and my own is what I handle.

I make sure that shit don’t falter, I make sure that I can come out strong.

I know I have much to learn, but I take everyday as a lesson.

I know that many dont understand my intentions and its fine because I ain’t trying to prove my worth.

I empower me and if I end up empowering you, then coo.

I’m a mother fuckin beast, a hustler everyday!

I make sure this shit is raw and that I hit hard! FUCK THIS betch I make this look easy.

October 8, 2009

iljb#53 1/2: Still at the Annex

I feel so fucking amazing right now! DAMN RIGHT this is what college is about! lol fuck, I have one more major thing to do before the night is done and that is to write my damn paper for ethnic studies. The only reason why I’m so hesitant in finishing it is because that paper is all over the place. FUCK lol haha no joke. ITS HEKKA LATE too, oh well…I guess it’ll have to do. I hope Angela grades my paper again lol =] Anyway, I’m sitting here in the annex looking at my amazing list of things to do tonight and WALA I do it again folks – I accomplish the fucking uncomplishable…LOL thats not even a word nor does it make sense – I’m just fucking stoked. WHO DOES THAT? I DO THAT! I’m so proud of myself. I am so proud of the type of work I can do when I put my mind to it. However, I do have a lot of catching up to do, I know that I can do it considering I have SUNDAY off this weekend =], I am thankful because I can go to church finally. Tomorrow I will be able to go home to see my family and then get some grub =] YEE.

LET us just look at my life for a second and where I stand.

Life started off with 21 units and I still continue to maintain that. However, it is VERY difficult because most of these course make my brain hurt. ALL this critical analyzing shit…fuck its like FOREAL? lol…

Then you got your PACE, Project Connect, AAS GRAD, FilGrad – FUCKKK…ahha I knew I wanted to get involved…but damn…this involved? LOL

Then you got my job…fuck…no more two jobs anymore…fucking can only handle one! AHHHHH

Then you got my boy Daniel =] hehe something I don’t need to worry about because he is on the friggin same level as me. BUSY, but able to take care of business, have fun, and do something good =].

LIFE…like I mentioned earlier is spent either on campus, at work, or in the annex – with the exception of Mondays BBC and occasional kick its with Danny =]. I haven’t used my phone to chat it up with other folks other than the folks I already chat up – I feel so lightweight disconnected to the WORLD bc I am so busy…which reminds me…

I am made for this shit…I am built to do this shit! I GOT THIS SHIT! =]

October 7, 2009

iljb#53: It only gets HARDER

And I ain’t talking about dick, however true that statement might be. It only gets harder after life throws you curve balls when you dont need to be thrown any more balls in your face…LOL

It only gets harder, especially after you accept 21 units and find that most of your major classes ask you to critically think about the world in away that is progressive and acculturated. AND SERIOUSLY, whoever says being an AAS major is EASY obviously didn’t work hard to grasps the concepts. FUCK THAT, SHIT IS HARD WORK!!!!

It only gets harder when things are slowly going into place. I have never been so motivated, so content, so … energized about LIFE in a long time…it feels good. I got my school grind on – learning hella shit, working hard to get involved with EVERYTHING and anything and feeling useful, getting my grind on at work and quitting Jamba, loving my life with family, and YES having a relationship to add on to this ruckus! haha..fml…that is a fml statement…

It only gets harder because I’m pushing myself too hard to do what I know I can do…I just need to sleep first lol. BLOGGING might seem like I’m procrastinating, but when in fact it is just getting me started with my hw. THIS LIFE…what did I get myself into this semester?

I can disagree and be okay with it. I have learned patience. I have learned that everything happens for a reason. FRIENDS DO come and GO, but they stick when you’ve been glued together for so long. LIFE HAPPENS, but never stops.

It only gets harder when I don’t believe in myself.