whats new? nothings changed

Before I go to work, I want to vent. I want to just let things out. I realize last night, I was a very much a hot mess…I couldn’t stop crying. Even if I wanted to. I couldn’t. I cried myself to sleep and it worked. I didn’t know what else to do you know – but cry. In these past year, this is the second time I’ve cried like that. Uncontrollable and unbearable – But this is the first time I cried like that alone…

I kept on telling myself, you’ll be okay…but the fact of that matter is…it just kept on creeping up on me and tears would just fall. I was trying to make a sandwich and I started crying. I feel embarrassed because my friends knew I was crying – they weren’t there in time to talk to me since I feel asleep. Its embarrassing because I kept on saying, “Sorry”. Sorry because they were right and I didn’t believe them. 

When you start believing your heart more than your brain and friends…thats when you know you got a situation to address. Thats what I did for the past month…wow…its been a month…damn what a rush huh?

I don’t regret anything. If anything, I am thankful for the experience. I’ve learned the virtue of patience and the fun in being spontaneous. I believed in myself too much. I always do…but this time…I shouldn’t have. 

Theres a lot going on in my mind…theres a lot to grasp…

But one things for sure…I ain’t hatin haha. Especially not in this situation. Aside from how it came to an end. Everything before that was just…made me smile. Everything was just…I figured I might as well since I never been in something like this before…

You know, I couldn’t even finish SPAM and stick around…I just…I never been that down on myself for a long time…I really haven’t. I just feel like this seems all too familiar. This situation…this setting…

Left without explanations…left me FUCKED up.

Like I said…I was a hot mess last night…

Its like…You want to believe that it wont happen again. That this person is different. You say this with conviction and you believe in your heart that truly this is worth it. You let go of everything and everyone and work for the damn thing…You’re honest and your faithful, not letting any other person try to get at you. You give them the benefit of the doubt. However, this is exactly like before…

I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

And you wonder why I’m single? And you wonder why the hell I’m crazy like I am? And you wonder why I don’t let people in. Because in moments like these, people like these…that fuck up the rest for everyone. 

I know my worth…Mary and Vince…I know my worth…but sometimes its just hard to realize that when you feel like the one your crushing on doesn’t. Feel me. I know what I was getting myself into…Mary and Vince…I just didn’t believe it was true until I heard or saw it from the person. 

And what do I say to this person now? What do I think? Like I

 said…I ain’t hatin. I really don’t have time to. I feel so …that I can’t shuffle through my emotions just yet. I don’t hate you. Some day I’d like to be your friend – since what we had was that right? But right now…It really hurts…shrugs…it really hurts.  

I just don’t understand why I had to be that person that you picked to do this to. Why I wasn’t worth your time to tell me hey…I already got something going on. Feel me. I gave many chances for you to tell me wassup. But since you didn’t I believed that what other people were saying were false and that you were being real with me. What was I supposed to do when I was already in deep feel me? I was already interested. 

I don’t understand why I deserved this. I was nice to you. I did nothing to you…I really don’t get it?

Nothings changed…I’m still single…still stupid…I should’ve listened carefully…Its crazy because unintentionally, a song played yesterday that described how I felt…

Corrinne May – On The Side Of Me

I’m not the easiest person to love
I’m often the one who lets things go unresolved (I knew it before I got into it)

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be 
on the side of me
on the side of me (yeah I did)

I’m not too proud of some things 
I’ve done in my life
The skeletons in my closet 
Are too big for me to hide (I saw all that, yet I still stuck by you)

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

‘Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you (I tried to be that person who never treated you right…shrugs)

I’m not the easiest person to love
But you, you’ve opened your heart to show me what I’m worth (unfortunately…I apparently don’t know mine)

‘Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

‘Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

 

I’ll be ok…thanks for the support friends ❤ real talk.

One Comment to “whats new? nothings changed”

  1. Ive been into this, and confused if im still on it, the difference is, i am the one whose in the other side, the one who end up the relationship, sure Ive cried when we parted, and cried again when my friends told me she has a new man(wow!)

    not sure if i still love her 😐
    maybe im just thinking too much bout the times we had ugh 😐

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