Archive for July, 2009

July 27, 2009

iljb#40: Feeling happy? OKAY!

Its my day off and I feel so productive. I started off the day being groggy and lazy, but after an hour or 2 I started to get stuff done. However, the BIG task ahead are still left unfinished, but the small distractions have definitely helped my momentum in getting my list done. I’ve vlogged about creating a “list” everyday of what you want to get accomplished and truth be told, it has been a success. I feel so accomplished knowing that what I wanted to get done that day is being checked off slowly but surely.

Hooray for  lists! =]

I’m actually very proud of myself because organizing my side of the room has made me feel a lot better about where I sleep and how things are organized. MAN, can I just say Maxwell is such a good ear candy right now while I blog on this gloomy Monday. No really – AH! Anyway, I look at my room right now and I feel so good about it. I am such a neat freak LOL. Everything is so organized and so neat – it makes me want to take a picture of it. POSSIBLY, we’ll see lol, but I feel so refreshed. *BREATHE* ahhhhhh it feels good. =]

I’ve had my humps these past few days, but I think overall I’m going head strong in being positive. I feel the strength in me to be that change I want to see. I feel so good about the future and my dreams. Its scary to think in a few months I will be a FULL FLEDGE senior ready to graduate. You know what that means right? All these deadlines to keep with with, tests, midterms, and finals to ACE. But no doubt, I am ready for the challenge. The challenge is coming, but right now I’m just taking my time in relaxing. I have these couple of days off this week that I will take advantage of! SUPER excited =]. Side note – I don’t think I got that job for Patelco, but I think its okay…as long as I have a job I’m fine. Jamba is pretty chill with my schedule so I’m not trippin as much. I’m SO EXCITED. ugh I sound like a broken record lol.

I must admit, these past weeks have been really good for me in that I haven’t put guys as my main priority. Its not even on the list in fact – which is nice. I’m really focused and really motivated for this school year that I know having a relationship will fuck things up. I gotta be selfish now, this is the time, no time for mistakes, just improvements! I CAN, I will, I believe! But I have been thinking how great it would be if there was a guy on my level who would sweep me off with their charm…but thats just farfetched right now. I can’t let a guy hold me down – no matter how cute they might be! lol fucking shit. NOT NOW, not right now.

Did I mention I signed up for “saynow.com”. I’m feeling it! I like it. ITS COOL! =] All I’m going to say.

I’m surprised this is blog 40! WOW haha =] thats awesome.

NOW – its story time ladies and gents.

“Friendship is never a battle, but a constant win!” – Joaquin

I’m not saying friendships are easy and I’m not saying friendship never have their arguments, but what I am saying is – through all that mess its always a win because you are always by that persons side through thick and thin! Additionally, its just a reminder that friendships are a treasure and if done right, it will feel like you’ve won the greatest prize of all – each other (lol). But real talk, my story goes way back – back into time.

You see, I was never part of the “in group”. I was never the “cool kid”, never was a part of a clique. I was the kid who always wanted to “fit in”. I always wanted to see where I would fit in. I tried many groups – different friendships in elementary school through high school, but I would always find myself questioning my friendships. I recall in middle school writing to a girl, “a popular girl”, asking her if she was my friend. The need for approval and the need to be wanted was something I craved for even on to my freshman/sophomore year in college.

I did things to prove I was cool. I dressed a certain way, said certain things, tried to fit in. But I knew deep down it wasn’t me. Its taken me a long, long time to understand the true meaning of knowing your worth. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I’m good enough to be your friend, if anything it comes naturally. However, through my years in school, I always stayed neutral when it came to cliques. I didn’t want to be classified as nerdy nor did I wanna be classified as popular, cause I was neither, I was just me. I was never part of a group of big friends because I kept those who really knew me close. However, even those who were close to me burned me…

Fast forward to college, I feel – no I know that the group of friends I do call close, have my back. The group of friends that I have are “popular” in my eyes. The group of friends I party, cry with, gossip, laugh with, experience the good and bad times are my ride or die! I have their back like they have mine and I don’t even question it for a minute. I don’t second guess if they love me, are my friends, or whatever – there are no insecurities when I call, talk, message MY friends. I feel comfortable being myself. Being GAY. Being ME! Being JOAQUIN! I didn’t actually need to prove to them my worth because they already saw that from the get. I was just to scared to believe that THESE PEOPLE (freshman year) were inviting me to hang out! These “cool people” are asking me to be their friend and part of their group!

Well, I’m part of that “cool group” since 2006! Five years later…I’m still partying, cry with, gossiping, laugh with, experiencing the good and bad times with my ride or die. I don’t need to search for the “cool group” because I am in one! Like Mary said,

“How are you so damn COOL if you have no one left who cares.”

Exactly, these friends of mine already know I’m cool, supper sickkkk with it! I’m fly, I’m amazing, I’m wonderful in their eyes! So what more could I ask for? Why do I need to search for other friendships? Yeah, I’m exclusive with these folks for a reason, because for the longest time I never felt I belonged anywhere…I never felt I was wanted or needed. Now (actually for a while now), for the first time in my life – I’m going to claim this as my group, my clique, my ride or die! No matter what goes down from here on, I got their backs like they got mine.

And the beautiful part of it is – they’re my family!

So who are you trying to impress? Why are you trying to fit into another group if you already belong? Mmmm or maybe all this time – you never did.

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July 23, 2009

iljb#39: Tea is for girls and for the gay

I am still feeling a little peeved with tonight’s comment from my friends younger brother at the dinner table. My friends and I were drinking tea and the lil brother comments, “Why you drinking tea? Tea is for girls!” I was astonished and replied, “Everyone drinks tea, the President drinks tea!” The lil brother continued with saying something along the lines of, “Tea is for gay people.” I then threw my hands in the air and started to get irritated. Some of my friends did say not to say things like that and defended me by correcting the lil brother. However, I still felt uneasy. My friends and I decided to go to our friends room and it was then when I told my friend, “Hey you better watch out in how your brother is growing up.” But the message seemed to just bounce off in the room not being heard. I continued to jokingly say he’s not even listening to me, but it was only because I wanted to really correct the issue. I continued to tell my friend(s) that its important that he talks to his brother cause its not right, but to me I felt like it wasn’t really taken seriously – or I felt like I wasn’t really being respected by my friends. I then made a comment, “This is why its hard being a gay person.” And here I am right now blogging in the room while my friends watch a movie. I don’t want to dampen the night, so thats why I’m just letting it slide, but it is bothering me. I held the tears from shedding…

This proves my point in my recent GAY videos. This is why I speak so passionately about the word gay or just the fact of how its used. This is what many gay folks have to deal with on a daily basis, sometimes we’re left not knowing what to say or do because it’s not our place – especially if its someone’s little brother. It concerns me you know? The fact that this kid thinks that tea is for girls ONLY and that tea is for gay folks, oh he goes to a Christian school. Where is this kid getting all this? My friend defended himself by saying he didn’t learn that from me. So where? Where does he get this type of a idea that he can say this?

If you ask me, there are so many factors in how kids formulate their view on the world and people. For one, I think the way a person molds themselves is by their family. Whatever your family values are, you end up following and believe. However, when we grow up we question them. Another is where we are educated. School really does teach us what we should know in the eyes of the teachers who we respect. Again, as we grow older, we question what we are taught. Lastly, I think we are also molded by our friends and people who we interact with. They are mer reflections of us.

I guess…sigh…I’m just hurt right now because it makes me realize the little struggles gay folks have to deal with. Straight people don’t need to always defend their orientation or feel attacked for loving who they love. Straight people don’t have to always feel inclined to speak on or correcting someone because they hear something ignorant said about their orientation. IT IS JUST FRUSTRATING.

I’ll continue my rant later. I’m just ughed right now. =P

July 22, 2009

iljb#38: Happy Smile

My PASSION is my DRIVE that will get me to my DESTINATION to my FUTURE. Believe in yourself and the world will come to you!

I amaze myself when I create quotes like these. Its like the hell – sorry Oprah lol…or something. Anyway, I just have been having this burst of excitement. This burst of “I can do anything if I believe it” attitude. Its this driving force thats keeping me sane these few days. Its amazing the power and the strength I’ve been given to feel this and to know this. I am worth something, I am amazing, I love myself, I need to give back to me. Selfish it might sound, but I think I deserve it after all the times I’ve given myself to others. I have sacrificed my self worth for many and cried many tears over it. Now because its all part of that “plan” that lesson, I can move on and shout out that I am alive, I am breathing, and I have more work to be done because I am young with big dreams!

I need to stay positive and it is not always an easy role to take on. But with small reminders I definitely can accomplish many – a lot!

I need not say more, but leave you with this

Go the Distance – Michael Bolton

I have often dreamed
Of a far off place
Where a hero’s welcome
Would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer
When they see my face
And a voice keeps saying
This is where I’m meant to be

I’ll be there someday
I can go the distance
I will find my way
If I can be strong
I know ev’ry mile
Will be worth my while
When I go the distance
I’ll be right where I belong

Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I’ll see it through

And I won’t look back
I can go the distance
And I’ll stay on track
No I won’t accept defeat
It’s an uphill slope
But I won’t lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero’s strength is measured by his heart

Like a shooting star
I can go the distance
I will search the world
I will face its harms
I don’t care how far
I can go the distance
TillI find my hero’s welcome
Waiting in your arms…

I will search the world
I will face its harms
TillI find my hero’s welcome
Waiting in your arms…

July 21, 2009

iljb#37: LIFE is GOOD

I’ve had this burst of realization
A sense of rejuvenation
An eye opener!
I AM loving LIFE.
LIFE is GOOD.

No matter how hard its gotten, how desperate I’ve seemed to be on top, the opportunities and experiences that I’ve had recently has just made me real grateful to know that I am living and I am alive.

I am loving life because we only live once.
We will never re-live these moments again.
As time ticks, Life takes another second, minute, hour, day, month, YEAR away from us.
Like the saying goes, live your life as if today was your last.

Though, like I said, life can be rough, I know I can overcome these obstacles, these feelings.
I am worthy.
I am strong.
I am – sasha fierce – SKKKERT lol just playing

I am someone worthy of someone who is worth my time
I am someone who knows his worth and is willing to do what he needs to to be the best
I AM living life
breathing and every step I take
I know I am blessed.

July 19, 2009

Summer Photoshoot 2009 Preview

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I swear Alister made me look good with all the lighting LOL. GAME UP!

If you would like to get your photoshoot, contact Alister Alarva at his website! HOLLAH!

Please visit http://www.alisteralarva.com for more Photography.

July 18, 2009

iljb#36: Moving Forward.

Relationships are definitely on pause for me starting today. I can’t take this baggage of having shit falter in the end after pouring my heart and soul out there. I guess its my fault that I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think its just because I am honest and up front with things. I just don’t understand how, “So are you sure you want to do this?” can be a confusing question for someone? I mean, its a simple yes or no, especially if you know that you just got out of a relationship. However, I trusted their judgement and well that judgement turned out to spit on my face. Again, I’m not in total shock, just because I knew something like this would happen considering the situation. POINT taken Joaquin, you should have known better. Finding “love” in all the wrong places, should have known better. I guess what I didn’t like was being treated like a rebound. I mean…I wish it was mutual, but it wasn’t. I was in it more than he was. I mean he did kiss me first…I was drunk…Oh man…it was all a mess I guess. SHRUG. I gotta shake it off, DAY9 and I’m doing better, much better. So in relation to REALationships…I guess the most important relationship now is me, myself, and I. I swear…I get caught up and side tracked that I lose focus on what I truly want in life: to be successful in my skills and make something out of it.

Which leads me to why I am so motivated to “do this year”. I have so much to look forward to and so much I want to accomplish.

A birthday week, saving up/trading in my tribute for a new car, paying off my credit, helping my sister w a grand or half a grand, paying all my bills, getting a NEW job, graduating.

FUCK – I mean thats just the beginning and finding a time to fit a man – BOY – in there is ridiculous. I can’t – I wont – I will not. I’ve been spending a lot of time with G-Up and man does it feel good to hang out with friends. Its a nice escape from reality. I recently just did a photo shoot and that made me feel happy =]. SIMPLE things like this have been making my summer worth it. Better late than never. I’m just realizing that,

IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE BANDWAGON, YOU HAVE ALREADY MISSED YOUR CHANCE

I’m slowly realizing this…I’m slowly accepting it and I’m okay with it. Just reinforcing my WORTH and knowing that its not me missing out – its you! I even mentioned to folks, WE LIVE EXCEPTIONAL LIVES, if folks don’t know our worth then give em a big FUCK YOU! We don’t need folks to bring us down.

I’m moving faster – moving forward – moving at a speed that is exciting, but frightening.

In a month, my whole life will change! 23! THATS A FUCKING number. 23! Most 23 year olds haven’t been through the shit I’ve been through, experienced the shit I’ve experienced…done what I’ve done. FUCK 23! Thats the fucking start of my journey.

BIG DREAMS?

I do have big dreams and right now its in the city of SAN FRANCISCO. Its not only now do I realize my potential and the real beauty that is San Francisco. I want to work in the city. I want to make a life in the city. For some, it doesn’t work. For me…I love it. Its true, I can’t possibly relocate to a new place when I have yet realized my full potential here. Besides, trips and vacations are gonna come around – so its not a big deal for me to move permanently, all I need is an escape.

I’ve been doing that actually. Escaping slowly…finding out that its okay to hang out with Jamba Juice coworkers (in fact I will be hanging out with some next week), going home to family just for a day to just hang out with mom and sis (feels so good), just doing my own thing and expressing my own thoughts on youtube and on wordpress. ITS SO THERAPEUTIC. As much as I complain, post really emo status’s, I am fine with life and I know that the journey right now is preparing me for something big.

GOD has something GREAT prepared for me. I know it. He’s been handling all of my troubles lately. However small or big, he’s been there holding my hand. I haven’t been to church in awhile, but it just goes to show that miracles still happen even if you aren’t practicing being a Catholic. I just have to say I have to give a lot of thanks to the Lord for giving me several opportunities these past weeks with jobs. Oh did I mention hes been hooking me up with extra cash!? lol And my mom has been able to give me 20 here and there. ❤ Life isn’t as bad when you’re struggling…it seems like I’m learning more than if I weren’t. I live for this struggle.

MOVING forward. THIS IS my anthem. THIS is what I sing. THIS is what I shall do.

I will make that change and listen to my own voice, like my horoscope said, I know myself better than anyone – I can handle it. I can handle IT!

MOVING FORWARD. DOING THIS FOR ME. I GOT A BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD. I LIVE FOR THIS.

July 14, 2009

.

I am not your OPTION, but your number one REASON. – Joaquin

July 12, 2009

iljb#35: ilike QUOTES by me! :D

My PASSION is my DRIVE that will get me to my DESTINATION to my FUTURE. Believe in yourself and the world will come to you!

I care about my happiness so thats what I’m going to do tomorrow, take care of my happiness.

My future is unstoppable only if I believe it to be! I am a force to be reckoned with!

I live for my future, I live for my family and friends, I live to make change, I live this struggle because I can handle it.

You can escape only for so long. But you’ll end up having to face your reality.

I continue to wonder what I’ve left behind. But I’m not holding on to baggage thats not mine. All I know is the broken can be fixed.

I live the exceptional lifestyle, feels good.

People with integrity do what they say they are going to do. Others have excuses.

Life is possible when your dreams are alive and real.

Nothing is impossible, unless you make it.

Knowing you worth is half the battle.

I’d give you my advice, but its better if you took your own.

We all live by the rules of love, but we forget that there weren’t any rules to begin with.

You’re the music that keeps me on my feet.

They can talk all they want, but thats all they do – talk.

I can’t own your actions.

The journey is priceless.

If you’ve experienced the worst, expect to come out of it better than you were in it.

You’ve made me cry because you meant that much to me.

If it doesn’t work a third time, it will never work.

Its easy to move on because the situation seems all to familiar.

I look back and wonder what I could have done differently.

Money does make me happy.

July 10, 2009

iljb#34: A New Age Approaching…

I know birthdays are supposed to be celebrated and is supposed to be a wonderful day, but this year…23 really scares me.

Its a new age and its definitely a defining age that makes me realize how OLD I have become. How much I’ve endured these past 23 years. It truly is something to be amazed about, but at the same time reminiscent nonetheless. Aside from Eric, I am the second eldest in our group of friends…ITS fucking crazy! 23 is nothing near 18 nor is it 21…but 23!!! THATS like OLD. haha I know, I know…I’m making it sound bigger than it is, but to be honest…IT IS A BIG NUMBER.

A new age is approaching, which means I have a lot of choices to make this upcoming year. One big decision I must make is my future. EDUCATION. As much as I’ve been drilled to focus on EDUCATION and what not, I’m nearing the end and it isn’t until now that I’ve recently thought about it. MY future? Whats that…what does it look like with Asian American Studies as my degree. Recently, I also began to use MonsterTrak to help me search for various job opportunities. I’m waiting on Patelco…hopefully tomorrow I’ll get a acceptance call…but if not, I already am ready for another set back. SIGH. However, it seemed such a waste for me to spend so much time speaking with the manager and HR. BLAH. But as I was saying, I’ve never been this driven to find a career and a legit job than ever. NO MORE JAMBA PLEASE! Or at least…please give me another job along with it.

Like I said in my previous blog, these two are just the big focus in my life right now. As far as relationships…well if they come, they come…if they don’t shit I ain’t tripping to much. But I have one more month to figure my shit out before I enter SPRING semester. SHIT…its gonna be amazingly busy this year…finances will be important…must remember to use my money sparingly.

With this new age…I hope brings wisdom and change…for the better.

July 8, 2009

iljb#33: ESCAPE

Sometimes I feel like I’m in this [life] by myself. As though I am walking solo with no one in front, back, or by my side. SOMETIMES, I get this way and need a constant reminder to myself that I am only human and I expect WAY, way to much out of myself.

ESCAPE. Thats what I need. An escape from life and go on some kind of vacation. HOLD. Thats the problem right there…I’m pissed that I don’t have a vacation to spare. ALL my four years in college, my summer has been consisting of work. WORK, work. Why must I work? So I can live in the city. Can I ask help from my family? No…and if it is, it is the last result. They ask me for help for crying out loud – financially. I guess today was my burn out from life. Been working this whole summer and as I reflect on what I’ve done…well…I have done stuff…I just feel like the routine that I go through everyday has been my summer – which it has. Maybe I’m just bitter? Maybe, I’m just scared and worried about my interview tomorrow? You know, if I don’t get this job tomorrow, it will be another set back for me and for my ego. Right now, I am in an ultimate down point. Trying to prevent myself from sinking into another deep depression. FOR damn sure…if I tell my friends that I have depression again – it will be frowned upon and then shrugged…or even worse…not even acknowledged. I guess thats why I’m keeping to myself once again…just trying to figure my shit out before I hang out, talk to, just communicate with others. However, I did have a big progress with Eric in us talking today. It felt nice. HOWEVER, still doesn’t explain why I feel like such a bitch. And when I bitch…I swear its the ugliest sight of me. I rarely let my bitch out…and when it does…its like I don’t even wanna talk to myself either. Maybe its the fact that at work today, I did all the preclosing before Sinaya came in to her shift…and I had to front that I did it all for her…and she just shrugged like it was nothing. I wanted to say, BITCH I FUCKING DID THIS FOR YOU BECAUSE I KNOW YOU LIKE TO GET SHIT DONE AND NO IT WASNT MARIA NOR JON THAT DID ALL THIS. IT WAS ME BITCH….but I didn’t. Did I mention I got written up today at work for being short in my cash drops? YEAH…I told Jon, fuck I shoulda just stole the money and got written up. He agreed. Its like fuckk dude…=[ I hate getting written up. And Maria has to be soo nice about it to that its kinda awkward. GREAT way to start the day right?

I watched MJs memorial and I got really emotional today. I cried – which I didn’t think I’d cry THAT much…but I did. IT was kinda gross. LOL but nothing out of the usual I cry by myself. haha. But it made me reflect on mj and the man he was played out to be and the man that he was. Nevertheless he was/is the king in many ways than one. It just erked me how folks were complaining that the news was making it such a big frigging deal when other shit is happening in the world. WAIT hold on…are you joking me? This guy is known all over the world, contributed a lot of shit to the world, and you probably wouldn’t have the experiences you had if it weren’t for mike and his music. ITS like fuck dude…folks around the world wanted to pay respect to the man for one last time…shit. YES there are other shit in the world that are going on, but so is MIKES memorial. It just gets me mad cause its like damn he’s done so much and left us with memories – even if we didn’t know him, he indirectly affected pop culture and how things are today. SO YEAH, I think it was necessary to have that memorial. UGH. I cried when his brother sang smile and when those kids came out to sing at the end of the memorial…then Paris crying. AHHHHH it was just emotional…and I just reflected on my life and everything else going on.

For once…I’m not worried about family. For once, I’m not worried about men or BOYS. For once I’m not worried about that shit. What I am worried about is my future, jobs/interviews, and relationships with people [friends]. Something for a change aye? I dunno…I feel like I need to disconnect with life right now because I’m obviously not charged. YA feel me? JOAQUIN can’t always keep a smile and if he does…something behind that smile is bothering him…USUALLY. SIGH…

I’m too complicated to understand, even for me. I worry to much. I do too much that I just wish sometimes I was just normal. I mean really normal. Like why can’t I just not give a fuck ya feel me? I just want to escape…MAN…maybe finances are the biggest worry thats taken over my whole aura … it always does. 😛 SO many things.

I just think today because I had a bad day, everything else just fell under it…such a poop I swear. SIGH…OK…all I need to do is breathe….
MAKES me feel okay when I hear this song…

Whitney Houston – I Didn’t Know My Own Strength
Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

You know…I don’t show my sensitive side, nor my vulnerable side EVER…but i do have that side…its buried. =/ SIGH…BIG SIGH….wish me luck tomorrow. >< =P

July 2, 2009

iljb#32: Setbacks

This whole week has just been a setback for me in many ways. For starters, I didn’t get a call back yet from Best Buy, which leaves me to believe I didn’t get the job. However, I will be calling to see if that is the case tomorrow. Another happens to be my lack of PEACEFUL day offs. I’ve just been trying to chill these past times that I’ve had a day off and it has just been a somewhat fail. If you have a day off…don’t you think that you should have the day off rather than feel like your working? Lastly, just this financial burden…which isn’t too bad considering I only have a few days left until Tuesday! YAY. But still, its still tough. But I am happy to say, guys are not in my troubles this week. I am fine without having them in my life right now…too caught up in me, myself, and I.

Setbacks…I guess its just something that I’m not used to. I’m gonna go to bed now -___- lol