Archive for February, 2009

February 25, 2009

1…2…

Being able to move forward without having to step back or be held back.

Forward meaning looking to better tomorrow. Forward means to be able to plan for the unknown. Forward never a step back or held back.

Being held back meaning something tying you down. A step back meaning the past taking control of your present situation. Never step back or be held back.

Hope.
Realize.
Truth.
Honesty.

Moving forward is never easy because things do tie us down from our present situation.

February 25, 2009

Lent

What am I giving up for lent?

YouTube
Alcohol
Fast Food
Soda
Facebook

Oh man is right! lol starting today I will no longer be doing any of these. ooOO wee….anyway…just a reference tonight was a good pow wow with my best friend vince. thanks =] . secrets are fun. lol

February 19, 2009

Sleepless in San Francisco

The night air, cool breeze, and piles of homework left undone just tops a wasted day. Having these nights these past weeks have just been…well a reality check that I need to get on my shit before I repeat myself like last semester. I can’t continue to sleep at 1am or even 3am constantly and wake up at noon or even later. Not good for my health nor is it a good habit. Since I’m not doing PCN, I figured I’d have more time to myself, a semester unlike any, yet I feel like though I have all this free time aside for homework I am not doing just that…I am just wasting it on checking my accounts online and making youtube videos. I’m finding it hard to get interested in the Rio class that I am in because all the reading seems so difficult to grasp unlike my other urbs class I feel that the reading is decent that I can actually comprehend what I am reading. sigh these sleepless nights just get to me because I feel like the days are so routine that I already know what is ahead of me tomorrow. Class from 2-5 and working on design…shouldn’t I enjoy this shit? BLAH…unfortunately I am not…however, in a few days I will regain my sense of likeness for my major…

Until then I am restless…
and sleepless in San Francisco.

February 15, 2009

Passage to India

“He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me,
He heals me”

I love her new album. Especially this song entitled he heals me. Songs like these remind me of the true man that is out there for anyone. A man who heals every wound that has been made and heals it with his sweet love. I know that man is out there…somewhere…

February 11, 2009

Things. People. Change.

You can’t help but think…wtf? When you see something not right…sooo wrong. Its like…WTF? It makes you think because you don’t know if its done intentionally, subconsciously, or just done to be done.

Notice these small things. These things that make people function. That create our existence. Don’t judge, but we do judge others. Be there, but not be there. People are grown, but sometimes act irrational and childish. Change.

Sometimes change wont ever come as much as you wish it to be. Sometimes change is hurtful, but must be accepted. The fact of the matter is change is that thing that makes people…

different.

The things that people do change who they are.

And the change that each person does alters the things that matter to them the most.

Important. Not important.
This blog. What makes me think that people change…

February 9, 2009

Maybe…

Why am I scared to put my heart out again for someone new? Why am I scared? I always tell people, as long as you put out your best, you shouldn’t be scared. You take that risk and thats fine. But why can’t I follow my own advice. This advice of taking a “RISK” seems more of an arduous task than I thought it would be. I keep on playing the same love songs over and over. Attaching meaning to each one…relating it back to my situation. Is this why I don’t want to risk it? Is this what I am afraid of? Loving once again? Picking up the pieces that have been shattered on the floor?

Dramatic as I am making it seem, it really is a tragic story of my life. The more I put myself out there, the farther I get from what I want. To risk…to RISK…maybe. Maybe not…

February 7, 2009

Growing Up Knowing Myself Better

Life takes me forward. Life takes me back. Life is my present. Life is my future. 

When I look back at all the things I have done from this point in my life, I can say I have been for the most part happy. Lucky to be who I am. Lucky to have grown up with the people who I am surrounded by. Lucky to have gained the experience to be a better person. Life is unexpected – with lots of love and heartache – but life is what we live and breathe for everyday we wake up. I thank the Lord every time I wake up to a new day with challenges that await. I know I can get through it, I know I can make it, I know I am nothing without him. Life is so beautiful that it sometimes gets lost from all the hate, jealousy, anger, and bitterness that many have about LIFE. 

Growing up, I know myself better now because of life. I am truly lucky to have been raised in the United States as oppose to the Philippines. I am truly lucky to have gotten the education that I have now in the public school system – especially SF State. I am truly lucky to be able to have a job that pays to get me through the months. I am so so lucky to have a family who I now can love because I love myself. 

Heres a story about my family – I never used to want to go home when I was up in SF. I wanted to escape my mom and my siblings from telling me what to do. It wasn’t until my junior year that shit started to happen. My sister lost her job. My brother lost his job. It was only my other brother who was supporting the family. I had a choice to make…stop school and help the family…or continue. My family told me to stay, but it was hard knowing that they were struggling. This point in my life changed my perspective on things because financially we – I was in a debt. It got to the point where I had 94 cents in my bank account. I had to support my family for a little bit since they asked me – their son for money. Who does that? WHO goes through that? Not many college students I tell you. It was hard and it was a rough time. To add – my moms health condition. Close scares of her passing away…This and everything else in my life added stress to everything I called LIFE. To lose a parent right now is not something I want to go through with. This has made me appreciate my mom more and made me see her for who she truly is. A hardworking mother, helping her kids survive. She would do anything to make us happy. She would sacrifice her life for us. This realization only hit after 21 years. Now, I have a better love for my mom and appreciate in coming back home. Even if its for a day because I know to her that means MORE than anything. Additionally, I’ve started to have better communication with my brother – I can actually talk to him now – this is another story about me having a huge falling out period with my brother. 

The point is. Growing up in the life that I have experienced has made me a better person. All the shit that has happened in my life – and trust there has been A LOT of shit – has just made me push to become a better person. To do my best and to make best of the situation at hand. I don’t/try not to dwell on the bad because LIFE has so much good. I don’t blame people for what they have done wrong to me, but rather appreciate their contributions in making me a stronger person. I don’t blame God for the financial rut that me and my family have endured because God has a bigger plan for me and my family and with patience he will grace us with answered prayers. 

If I learned anything from this point in my life is – to really LIVE life to the fullest no matter what life throws at you. With God, family, and friends by your side you can accomplish anything you put your mind to. In many ways, you have to self motivate yourself to get to where you want to be, but trust you wont be alone in getting there. 

I am blessed to be able to touch many peoples lives with the series that I have done on youtube. And this blog is dedicated to Michael – for you my friend are a bigger inspiration to me. You experiences, your life, what you’ve shared with me has opened my heart more to realize that I do help people – and in a way its a gift that God has given me. I teared up hearing your story because no one should ever go through that, but knowing that the struggle has made you the person you are today makes me confident that Life is a beautiful struggle, that in the end – we get through it with the help of our Lord. 

Be you and accept yourself. 

Smile because you are better off than many.

Live Life like it was your last. 

Again, thanks Michael. You are a true inspiration.

February 2, 2009

I have no idea…

I have no idea where I’m going…what I’m doing…why I’m awake right now. Life is in limbo right now. I feel so UGH…I don’t wanna do anything. I can’t comprehend any of my textbooks and I can’t seem to focus on a simple task of just …FOCUSING. I feel so…unmotivated. I know how that was last semester…and I swear I don’t want to go back that road again. Its just right now I’m like FUCK…I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. 

I have everything in my life right now. Money, Friends, Family, a place to live…sigh…

I guess the break up seems to have taken more of an effect that it should have. I knew it was gonna hurt…but I didn’t know it was gonna hurt this bad…I know I can’t go back to the relationship just cause it wasn’t good for both of us. Stressing…us getting into arguments…at least for me…the love was squeezed out of me…slowly like an orange in a juicer. 

I’ve been “depressed shopping” lately. Buying shit, that I need, but don’t need right now…It would be worse if I had no money. I’m also just letting myself go as far as weight. My face is just irritating the fuck outta me…where the fuck did I get all these zits…MAN…=/ sigh…

Whats going on?