Archive for May, 2011

May 29, 2011


Even though after all that has been said and done with what I had with them, I still get that feeling when I see them…that damnnn I had that…and that …fuck I wish I still had that. Aaron def knows how to play with his looks and swag. He knows I dig it and every time I see him, he plays off of my reaction. Boost of his ego! lol. Ben does the same damn thing too. Every time I see him, even though he doesn’t show it, he knows that I know he still finds me attractive. Simple touches, hugs, taps…I mean common. Especially if you know hes looking at straight at you from hella far when he could be looking else where…but hes looking at me. lol. Andi….even tho hes the biggest twat I’ve met…he still gets me. His charm is def. a killer…no bueno…Patrick. SMH…lol he def did not have the brains when around me, but damn did he know how to make out! UGHHHHHHH best make out guy EVERRRRRR and he was hot too. lol. But we def. did not have to talk about. Richard…man I remember it vividly…man I fucked up on that one…he coulda been a good guy for me. Before he left for college, he said hed doing anything for me…be there…blah blah…I definitely lost a good one. ROB. lol damn that guy. EVERYTIME I think about Washington I think about him…that bitch! lol..nah but he is the sexiest black guy I know. Lightskinned…hella fione…really sweet. smh…I had his attention once…smh…Andrew. Andrew was another one. smh. UGH haha had an amazing bed, car, swag. LOL ughhhhh wtf happened? mmm long distance I guess…I dunno. Carlos. mannn oh man…did he play me on a string lol…fucking bitch LOL, but nevertheless…he was so cute..

the end…

May 28, 2011


Make the most of summer, make sure that I do me and make sure that I put myself first and my happiness first before anyone (depending on circumstances). Never will I put what I feel second to please someone else. Never will I do, say, go out of my way for someone to like me. People will like you for who you are, not what you front.

I want to take care of myself better. Be more healthier and continue to work out. I want to make sure I go see a physician for my back before summer ends and make sure that I take care of my over all well being.

I want to get everything in my apartment by the end of summer. I want a TV, a kitchen table, and mini chairs for my apt. I want to make this feel like home and not some place I just sleep in. Its slowly turning out great.

I want to make sure that I save money – spend less on food, and save more. I’ve done a lot of saving in the past few months, given my money out to folks/family/friends…now its time to really save for myself.

I will not have sex with a person this summer just to have fun. Starting today, I will make sure that anyone (which is no one lol) who wants to get it in, I will make sure that I don’t just FUCK to just have fun, but fuck because we’ve known each other for awhile…lol smh…so its gonna be a dry summer huh? LOL

I will do my best to keep a smile on my face. I will do my best not to let my mind get carried away with small things and letting them get into my head.

This summer I want to build a stronger relationship with myself.

2011 has blessed me so much for myself and my family that I know theres more to come. I am grateful, I just need to continue to remind myself why…

– Graduated
– Full time Job
– Lives on my own
– Drives
– <3ing family
– <3ing friends
– bright future ahead (just need to take it one day at a time)

I need to stop worrying about whos not in my life…being single is and should never be an issue.

These past two days…I dunno if its just my mini depression kickin in…or if I'm just tired…
Whichever it is…I gotta get out of this rut.

May 17, 2011

iljb#160: MOVING PAINS

I’m not trying to please anyone, for awhile now, I’ve been making sure I please myself – do me, make sure to count on myself because in the end its my life and I can only count on myself to make this life count.

Its been so hard – feeling uncertain that my check for the 27th will be enough…I dunno if any of this OT will do any good…I feel like all the OT is not gonna add up…at least for this coming check…As much as I have this “money comes and goes” attitude…I need to be more careful with it, esp. these coming weeks. ITS def. become more evident that even though I have everything in life that I’ve worked for – that I really need to start being careful with it.

These past two days I’ve only eaten one meal…starving myself just to save a few bucks until Friday…sounds real stupid right? I feel like these couple of weeks I’ve just been temporarily doing things to help me avoid my feelings about certain things. These temporary highs…look at where its gotten me…

FUCK gas is so expensive…

This week has definitely come…and I feel like I fucked myself over…Friday is a fucking mess…with Vince’s grad, moving, then Sters bday. Saturday I plan to do OT and attend Sters bday lunch. Then Sunday is FilGrad…o man…so how do I do laundry and go to UC before all this? Counting on myself for all this…sigh…I understand how people have certain priorities in life…and are busy…I know the feeling. I try and do my best, the best I can at that moment, to be there for folks…even when shit in my life is so jumbled…but I don’t feel I get it in return…thats expecting too much…and I’ve learned expecting things from people end up in big disappointments.

I’ve spent a lot of time with family recently…I feel good…its nice being back home…I feel like I learn more about my past than I have in previous years. My family is being blessed month by month with all the blessings God has recently given my family. My faith in God is slowly strengthened each day…I pray that I can be a good Christian and put my faith in him with all my problems…My job, I feel like I am so lucky to have the job that I do have – I’ve been working my ass off to just make it this month and next month…its been hard…I’ve been tired. As far as my friendships…they’re there…I just can’t fully give my all to them right now because I’m so occupied with all this moving and feelings I have…they know this cause I’ve said it to them. It doesn’t mean I care less about them…I just am taking care of myself because if I don’t I’m going to fall hard. Can’t give my 100% to others, if I can’t even do that for myself.

I feel ok…I feel hurt…these few weeks were definitely a roller coaster ride…I talk to myself a lot these days…

I’m moving…it hurts…its happening

May 15, 2011

iljb#159: fuckin…


Yeah I ate it 😦

May 13, 2011


May 10, 2011

iljb#157: Where am I going?

I couldn’t help but blog…I have to many thoughts in my head esp before I go to bed. I honestly hope that this check, I will have enough for my place. I feel like I’m gonna be short and tight…but things work out right…ill be good right…honestly I hope so…I worry too damn much. Today was off the hook thought, laughing with Pearlinda about anything and everything make my job more enjoyable and doable. I think bout it and I got it good with my job, I can do what I want and still get shit done. These past few weeks have been so tiring…I’m only doing OT so I don’t have to worry bout the next few times for rent…I mean the two checks I have are for rent…sigh but its so worth it. I worked my ass off to be where I am today and I ain’t gonna ever let that go. I have it and I can’t just let it go. I have an amazing life w/ amazing people. Just right now…I can’t fully enjoy it cause I need to settle down first…excitement is killing me. Btw I’m so happy where I am with my family. Its exactly where I want to be. This goes with religion too. I’m real happy bout it. Sigh these weeks have been a rollercoaster ride…I honestly don’t know how I’m doing it…but I am.

I ain’t gonna lie…I wanna cry….

May 8, 2011

iljb#156: If these thoughts could talk…

The time for me to fly is now…so let me fly…