Posts tagged ‘dreams’

August 29, 2009

iljb#47: Rushing…

I feel like today was rushed to get to where I am today. I had work, did laundry, organized my life in between, and now awaiting my family to come and swoop me for dinner. I didn’t even eat all day because I’m waiting for dinner. (So bad). In any case, this rush is good. I feel this urge to make my first weeks the jump off of my whole year. It has just begun and I am already busy! I can’t hardly breathe haha. I’ve also been excited to do my hw – which is a first because I never ever feel excited to do hw. I just haven’t gotten a chance to peep at it because I have been lagging 2-4 hrs behind on schedule. But I’ll get there folks…it just takes time HA how ironic right?

I feel good today because I was able to pay off my best buy debt. Something I’ve been meaning to do for the last 2 years. I can’t believe it. I am stoked. I paid for it. Now I just hope my credit will be fine so I can actually get a REAL credit card. shoot. haha in addition, I was able to go to the dentist. =] Now all I need to do is get contacts and sign up for GRE. I am way more than enough money to handle myself this semester. I feel good because for the first time in awhile, I feel stable. I think its in part to the secret. DAMN secret really does work. =] I am grateful every day I wake up.

First thing I do when I wake up is acknowledge what I am grateful for and just thank everything for happening. I really do think this is why I have been so lucky these past weeks. I am so grateful for everything. Life, school, friends, family, my future ahead! I have been given this chance to make it big and I know I will be able to achieve anything if I just put my mind to it. IT is going to be a busy semester, but I know I am able to handle my own.

I work so damn hard to get where I am right now. It feels good to be where I am right now because with all the bad experiences I’ve had in the past year, all seem to be nothing but dust off my shoulder. I can lift my head up high and know that taking a risk, doing my best, and giving it my all is all that matters. Even when I’m down, I know theres a reason to be grateful. I do have those times, like recently, where I wish I had this and that, but I know that I am way blessed to have the things I have right now.

Because of faith, because of me, because of God – He is able to work his wonders through me. Could I have asked for a better birthday present? ha no.

On a side note.

Today at work I saw Jeff and his bf Anthony. It made me reminisce how I had a chance with Jeff, but couldn’t hang cause he obviously was not doing well in school. I tried no doubt, but it was just too complicated (haha a few months later he got with his current bf). Anthony, I’ve never really seen or met until recently. Never talked to him or whatever. But today just seeing Jeff and him – ugh made me jealous – like the fuck? YOU GUYS ARE HOT together haha. However, I reminded myself I hold my own pretty well and they aren’t at my level and I ain’t on theirs. Its all those could have, would have, man I wish I had…moments. He looked me straight in the eye to ask for water and I said to myself – damn you are grown – I remember you being so…lol I dunno even Ricardo and Ezra. The hell!?!?! haha I never really talked to Ricardo…and well Ezra haha. Its crazy how I will never understand their lifestyle, friendships, drama, or whatever because for me I know when I need to get the fuck out cause I ain’t having any of that. It made me say to myself, my man is coming. After all these great things happening to me, I know that he is coming too. 😛

I don’t need to hope…cause I know. What a rush right?

I am in a point in my life where if you ain’t on point I will leave. I am in a point in my life where school is definitely a priority as well as my career. I am in a point in my life where I feel great about everything =] Things are doing great for me. I am doing fine.

mmmm I think I’m just overwhelmed haha

July 18, 2009

iljb#36: Moving Forward.

Relationships are definitely on pause for me starting today. I can’t take this baggage of having shit falter in the end after pouring my heart and soul out there. I guess its my fault that I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think its just because I am honest and up front with things. I just don’t understand how, “So are you sure you want to do this?” can be a confusing question for someone? I mean, its a simple yes or no, especially if you know that you just got out of a relationship. However, I trusted their judgement and well that judgement turned out to spit on my face. Again, I’m not in total shock, just because I knew something like this would happen considering the situation. POINT taken Joaquin, you should have known better. Finding “love” in all the wrong places, should have known better. I guess what I didn’t like was being treated like a rebound. I mean…I wish it was mutual, but it wasn’t. I was in it more than he was. I mean he did kiss me first…I was drunk…Oh man…it was all a mess I guess. SHRUG. I gotta shake it off, DAY9 and I’m doing better, much better. So in relation to REALationships…I guess the most important relationship now is me, myself, and I. I swear…I get caught up and side tracked that I lose focus on what I truly want in life: to be successful in my skills and make something out of it.

Which leads me to why I am so motivated to “do this year”. I have so much to look forward to and so much I want to accomplish.

A birthday week, saving up/trading in my tribute for a new car, paying off my credit, helping my sister w a grand or half a grand, paying all my bills, getting a NEW job, graduating.

FUCK – I mean thats just the beginning and finding a time to fit a man – BOY – in there is ridiculous. I can’t – I wont – I will not. I’ve been spending a lot of time with G-Up and man does it feel good to hang out with friends. Its a nice escape from reality. I recently just did a photo shoot and that made me feel happy =]. SIMPLE things like this have been making my summer worth it. Better late than never. I’m just realizing that,

IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE BANDWAGON, YOU HAVE ALREADY MISSED YOUR CHANCE

I’m slowly realizing this…I’m slowly accepting it and I’m okay with it. Just reinforcing my WORTH and knowing that its not me missing out – its you! I even mentioned to folks, WE LIVE EXCEPTIONAL LIVES, if folks don’t know our worth then give em a big FUCK YOU! We don’t need folks to bring us down.

I’m moving faster – moving forward – moving at a speed that is exciting, but frightening.

In a month, my whole life will change! 23! THATS A FUCKING number. 23! Most 23 year olds haven’t been through the shit I’ve been through, experienced the shit I’ve experienced…done what I’ve done. FUCK 23! Thats the fucking start of my journey.

BIG DREAMS?

I do have big dreams and right now its in the city of SAN FRANCISCO. Its not only now do I realize my potential and the real beauty that is San Francisco. I want to work in the city. I want to make a life in the city. For some, it doesn’t work. For me…I love it. Its true, I can’t possibly relocate to a new place when I have yet realized my full potential here. Besides, trips and vacations are gonna come around – so its not a big deal for me to move permanently, all I need is an escape.

I’ve been doing that actually. Escaping slowly…finding out that its okay to hang out with Jamba Juice coworkers (in fact I will be hanging out with some next week), going home to family just for a day to just hang out with mom and sis (feels so good), just doing my own thing and expressing my own thoughts on youtube and on wordpress. ITS SO THERAPEUTIC. As much as I complain, post really emo status’s, I am fine with life and I know that the journey right now is preparing me for something big.

GOD has something GREAT prepared for me. I know it. He’s been handling all of my troubles lately. However small or big, he’s been there holding my hand. I haven’t been to church in awhile, but it just goes to show that miracles still happen even if you aren’t practicing being a Catholic. I just have to say I have to give a lot of thanks to the Lord for giving me several opportunities these past weeks with jobs. Oh did I mention hes been hooking me up with extra cash!? lol And my mom has been able to give me 20 here and there. ❤ Life isn’t as bad when you’re struggling…it seems like I’m learning more than if I weren’t. I live for this struggle.

MOVING forward. THIS IS my anthem. THIS is what I sing. THIS is what I shall do.

I will make that change and listen to my own voice, like my horoscope said, I know myself better than anyone – I can handle it. I can handle IT!

MOVING FORWARD. DOING THIS FOR ME. I GOT A BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD. I LIVE FOR THIS.