Posts tagged ‘know your worth’

January 2, 2011

iljb#142: Day 2 of the New Year

I can’t believe we’re just going through the new year like its nothing – well at least I am. This whole reflection about what 2010 means and what 2011 is going to be has just gotten me thinking a lot. My thoughts are busy trying to figure out what if anything, is the meaning of all that has happened to me from this point in my life. Nonetheless, I’m actually content…eh I lie…I’m okay with how life is…and the biggest reason why I am just okay is…I was in love in 2010.

Today at work I felt like I was keeping myself way to busy by just speeding through the day and just being in “work mode”. Work mode for me basically consist of myself not talking and just doing my job without any rest. So thats what I did. I was shocked myself because I haven’t done this in awhile and well …why start today? Well today…I actually got up on time and got to work on time…so that in itself might have been a foreshadowing of sorts…but still…I feel like I was trying to avoid a certain emotion/feeling during work. Then it hit me towards the end of my shift…I’m heart broken because I was in love in 2010.

I’ve never been in love and I guess I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself that I was/am in love. The feeling that I had with Danny was definitely real and it definitely made me feel good. I’ve been with guys that came close to Danny, but he was just it…he was the guy. But the biggest thing that prevented us from sticking it out is that he wasn’t ready to call me his bf, even when I was ready. I mean common sense says, you don’t wait for anyone and common sense definitely means somethings gotta give…so I gave…and let go. Something I’m so used to.

To interject this blog, I want to digress and speak upon a moment at work that kind of disturbed me and that is catching myself say, “Maybe I should focus my attention on women instead of men.” It was quiet amusing in the beginning because I tried and it was a fail off the bat. I even told myself, “The options are bleak…” haha I convinced myself that maybe if I looked at women…I would find myself wanting and being with a woman…yeahh…you go gay, and you can’t turn back that easily. I guess it was my way of just escaping this lonely feeling.

I couldn’t help but keep my eyes wandering at the eye candy at work that pass by. I mean thats what I usually do. I find a guy thats cute and tell myself that he’s the kinda guy I want or thats the kinda guy I wished I dated. Its like movies…but usually most of the guys I see are white…and I find myself saying I want a white dude. lol…there aren’t that many gay men that roll through the airport…and I just find myself wishfully thinking about what might be in the future.

I wish I could talk to my friends about this, however, none of them are in this current situation or have been in a long time and I feel like trying to relate this topic to them could find myself disappointed with what I hear. So I keep it to myself – only certain times do I open up about it…but overall I haven’t really talked about Danny to any of them to the extent that I want to. I feel like its a done topic…however it obviously isn’t done especially when I have so much to blog about.

I honestly wish that my viewers could take a look at how I think for one day and go through the shit that I have to deal with…it amazes me sometimes to find myself pushing through…even though I am so tired…

Speaking about being tired. I also told myself that I am working my ass off in January because I need to help my brother out/family. I am working not for myself, but for my family. Its a wonderful feeling when you get there to know that you can contribute and provide for your family…and they actually count on you to. I don’t know any of my friends family that expect them to do that now…and I wouldn’t wish that upon them. I am just blessed and fortunate that I do have two jobs that help myself and my family out. I used to be so selfish with my money and I used to not give a cent to my family. Which is expected I guess when you start making your own income. But after 2010, things changed and I definitely find my role as a brother/son much bigger than ever. I have a responsibility.

I tell myself, man you are soooo fucking amazing Joaquin because check this. Your a minority within a minority. You’re gay, who happens to have two jobs, who happens to have a degree, who happens to support his family, who happens to have a unbalance social anxiety within himself, and who happens to be single. HAHA I know, I know, it sounds like I’m trying to make myself come off as unique and fucking amazing compared to all those folks in the “scene”, but ….thats exactly what I’m saying HAHA.

It makes me wonder why I end up with guys who are great in the beginning, but turn out to be the guys who don’t have their shit straight. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t perfect, but I’ve worked my ass these 24 years of my life to be where I am. Nothing was ever handed to me. No one ever helped me through college the way most kids had help. I had to find it and work for it. I am just fortunate to have the experiences that I’ve had.

As Vince likes to put it for 2011, “Know your worth.”

He’s right, I need to remind myself each day. But it just sucks when I know myself what I’m worth, but its been proven time after time others don’t see that just yet. With failed attempts at relationships, each one seemed to have the same reason of why it didn’t work out. They weren’t on my level – and even if I tried to get them there – I didn’t want to change them from who they are…

My horoscope told me not to over think things this year…cause sometimes it will get me into more of a mess than I already am…I’m trying…I really am.

I want to be loved like I was in 2010…but with the right guy this time =/. I find myself rebounding to different things for temporary relief, but I find myself back to where I began…

I’m independent and only I really know how to work it out…trust I will…I just need to get all this out before I do…

I’m about to build my dresser…wish me luck =P

July 12, 2009

iljb#35: ilike QUOTES by me! :D

My PASSION is my DRIVE that will get me to my DESTINATION to my FUTURE. Believe in yourself and the world will come to you!

I care about my happiness so thats what I’m going to do tomorrow, take care of my happiness.

My future is unstoppable only if I believe it to be! I am a force to be reckoned with!

I live for my future, I live for my family and friends, I live to make change, I live this struggle because I can handle it.

You can escape only for so long. But you’ll end up having to face your reality.

I continue to wonder what I’ve left behind. But I’m not holding on to baggage thats not mine. All I know is the broken can be fixed.

I live the exceptional lifestyle, feels good.

People with integrity do what they say they are going to do. Others have excuses.

Life is possible when your dreams are alive and real.

Nothing is impossible, unless you make it.

Knowing you worth is half the battle.

I’d give you my advice, but its better if you took your own.

We all live by the rules of love, but we forget that there weren’t any rules to begin with.

You’re the music that keeps me on my feet.

They can talk all they want, but thats all they do – talk.

I can’t own your actions.

The journey is priceless.

If you’ve experienced the worst, expect to come out of it better than you were in it.

You’ve made me cry because you meant that much to me.

If it doesn’t work a third time, it will never work.

Its easy to move on because the situation seems all to familiar.

I look back and wonder what I could have done differently.

Money does make me happy.