Archive for August, 2009

August 30, 2009


August 29, 2009

iljb#47: Rushing…

I feel like today was rushed to get to where I am today. I had work, did laundry, organized my life in between, and now awaiting my family to come and swoop me for dinner. I didn’t even eat all day because I’m waiting for dinner. (So bad). In any case, this rush is good. I feel this urge to make my first weeks the jump off of my whole year. It has just begun and I am already busy! I can’t hardly breathe haha. I’ve also been excited to do my hw – which is a first because I never ever feel excited to do hw. I just haven’t gotten a chance to peep at it because I have been lagging 2-4 hrs behind on schedule. But I’ll get there folks…it just takes time HA how ironic right?

I feel good today because I was able to pay off my best buy debt. Something I’ve been meaning to do for the last 2 years. I can’t believe it. I am stoked. I paid for it. Now I just hope my credit will be fine so I can actually get a REAL credit card. shoot. haha in addition, I was able to go to the dentist. =] Now all I need to do is get contacts and sign up for GRE. I am way more than enough money to handle myself this semester. I feel good because for the first time in awhile, I feel stable. I think its in part to the secret. DAMN secret really does work. =] I am grateful every day I wake up.

First thing I do when I wake up is acknowledge what I am grateful for and just thank everything for happening. I really do think this is why I have been so lucky these past weeks. I am so grateful for everything. Life, school, friends, family, my future ahead! I have been given this chance to make it big and I know I will be able to achieve anything if I just put my mind to it. IT is going to be a busy semester, but I know I am able to handle my own.

I work so damn hard to get where I am right now. It feels good to be where I am right now because with all the bad experiences I’ve had in the past year, all seem to be nothing but dust off my shoulder. I can lift my head up high and know that taking a risk, doing my best, and giving it my all is all that matters. Even when I’m down, I know theres a reason to be grateful. I do have those times, like recently, where I wish I had this and that, but I know that I am way blessed to have the things I have right now.

Because of faith, because of me, because of God – He is able to work his wonders through me. Could I have asked for a better birthday present? ha no.

On a side note.

Today at work I saw Jeff and his bf Anthony. It made me reminisce how I had a chance with Jeff, but couldn’t hang cause he obviously was not doing well in school. I tried no doubt, but it was just too complicated (haha a few months later he got with his current bf). Anthony, I’ve never really seen or met until recently. Never talked to him or whatever. But today just seeing Jeff and him – ugh made me jealous – like the fuck? YOU GUYS ARE HOT together haha. However, I reminded myself I hold my own pretty well and they aren’t at my level and I ain’t on theirs. Its all those could have, would have, man I wish I had…moments. He looked me straight in the eye to ask for water and I said to myself – damn you are grown – I remember you being so…lol I dunno even Ricardo and Ezra. The hell!?!?! haha I never really talked to Ricardo…and well Ezra haha. Its crazy how I will never understand their lifestyle, friendships, drama, or whatever because for me I know when I need to get the fuck out cause I ain’t having any of that. It made me say to myself, my man is coming. After all these great things happening to me, I know that he is coming too. 😛

I don’t need to hope…cause I know. What a rush right?

I am in a point in my life where if you ain’t on point I will leave. I am in a point in my life where school is definitely a priority as well as my career. I am in a point in my life where I feel great about everything =] Things are doing great for me. I am doing fine.

mmmm I think I’m just overwhelmed haha

August 29, 2009

I am so sure!

HAHAHA mmmm I want some BK now =] HAHAHa

August 28, 2009

iljb#46: The Semester Begins…

I think this is an appropriate picture to describe this past week. I can’t believe it my senior year. I can’t believe all these great things have been happening to me. I can’t believe I am so blessed!

After taking the test for the job interview I had for SpaXpress I was worried if I was going to get the job. The lady said I’d get a call. Well I guess today was that call. At first I didn’t get a voicemail message just a missed call from someone. I texted the person back and I got a call back. I was at work, so I checked the message when I went on my break. There it was – the call. When I got interviewed the lady said I’d have to take a test, after that I’d get a call to move forward with the application, then I could start working. That is exactly what Anka, my new manager told me, she told me that I needed to come in on Monday and we’ll start the process.

You should have seen me in the back room, I was jumping and ecstatic. I wanted this job so bad because it was me – I know that this job was made for me. I mean fuck…it says JOAQUIN all over it! Anyway, thats that. I still can’t believe I got the job…I’m still in shock. This is definitely a big accomplishment for me. I feel so good. It feels so right.=]

Addition to the good news, school has begun and each of my classes have interested me to the point where I WANT to do hw. Its crazy. I know this wont be temporary because I really do enjoy the major and the topics presented. I honestly can’t wait to see what the future holds for me. Grad school is just a few months away! After that…its all history! =] I am so blessed. I am definitely blessed.

I was walking to class yesterday and I was stopped by a woman who had a clip board about prop 8. I decided to listen and in the end I ended up donating 58 dollars to the cause. That felt good to me.

On top of that, I’ve opened a couple of new banks so I can allocate my money. So far so good. My bills are paid on time + rent. Things are just wonderful.

The greatest story of this week, aside from my wonderful SoCalebration, is the fact that I was able to help my family financially. Its been long awaited, but the wait is finally over. In a few months …things will look once again bright for my family. Knowing that I was able to help push to that direction makes me complete and whole. I can only see good things for my family.

My mom told me a beautiful story. She told me that last Sunday she prayed to God to help the family financially because they were out of food and necessities. After church she bought a scratcher…she won $500. She told me she was about to cry because God heard her prayers. I am a firm believer in all this. God is good. God is great. All good things happen because God makes it.

I am grateful for my family, friends, job, car, life, finances, school, EVERYTHING and anything that makes all this possible…its crazy…

If I could make a video of all the blessing JUST this past week, you’d be a believer too. I am blessed. I am loved. I am happy =]

August 16, 2009

iljb#45: The IDEAL Guy: “STORY TIME”

The guy on the left is my boyfriend…er what I want my boyfriend to look like. haha. So its crazy how I stumbled upon this video. I was listening to “Little Bit” by this guy and later on clicked on his other videos and saw his brother. I wanted to see what his brother looked like without glasses…and low and behold, I found my IDEAL guy.

I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t gay, but he does have features that remind me of every other typical gay Pilipino. haha which is good because he looks like the type of guy I’d get with =] RAWR. Anyway, I have been having this picture of this guy I want in my head now for the last couple of weeks and well I got his personality, background, and everything down, but his face…FINALLY today I stumbled on his face =] hehe.

So my ideal Guy? Well, I’m excited haha I’ve been meaning to blog about it for dayssss! Here we go! (BTW, I will be describing this guy as though I have already met the guy and know him =] thats what “THE SECRET” tells me to do haha)

So this guy and I met somewhere around SF … er around the bay area at a party/club/event something. I saw him and he saw me. I kind of just looked away but would catch a glimpse of him looking back at me. I thought it was fun because where ever I was, I was having a boring time, so he excited me. He didn’t look gay to me so I didn’t think much of it. But I did continue to glance at him whenever I could and I would see him do the same which made me giggle. The night is drawing to close and he actually comes closer to me and bumps me on accident – he or I drop something – and we both bend down to pick whatever we dropped up – it was definitely like the movies LOL – He then held whatever he dropped in his hand as he lightly wrapped his hand around mine. We both get a glimpse of each others eyes and for a moment it seemed like he and I were the only two people in the room.

He then apologizes and continues his way. I look back and smile. So my friends and I are about to leave and well I see him again taking another glance at me while he takes a sip of whatever he’s drinking as he casually continues to talk to his friends. He dresses nice thats for sure. That night I couldn’t help but think about him and how cute he was…didn’t even bother to ask his name…then again I thought he was straight haha.

So, the week goes on and I slowly forget that guy…I’m looking through facebook or something and there he is…just randomly THERE. haha I check his profile, but its private. So I say fuck it nm. haha but it does make my day. A few days later…I log on again and pop a message from that guy. He writes something cheesy along the lines of, “Hey you were at that lame party right?” haha he gets me to chuckle. however I message back saying, “yeah that was me”…I leave it pretty much short and sweet. He then replies with a smart ass remark like, “Deng like that?” I couldn’t help but laugh so I replied to him apologizing and asking him what was up. He replies saying, I caught his attention or whatnot. After reading that, I started to get red and giggle a lot. He continues asking if we could meet up for coffee or something. I then agree.

So the day that we meet up, he is looking FINE. I mean crisp and on point. This guy does dress to impress…When I see him I shake his hand, but the first thing that catches my attention is his scent – his cologne. I blank for a second and he gives me a weird look like “are you okay?” We then get coffee or whatever the hell we do decide to do. We sit down and he explains why he was at that party or event. I can’t help but attentively listen to what he has to say…he’s cute when he talks. His lips are to die for and his eyes are just A-MAZ-ZANGGGG hahahahahahahahahahahah. BTW, his name is so unique and very interesting. I like. I then share why I was there too…You can tell he’s a listener cause he is nodding and making eye contact…this makes me nervous cause I never had someone do that in awhile.

I look at the clock and time just has flown by…I ask if he wants to take it somewhere else and he then agrees. I’m not sure where we go, but it somewhere nice with people walking around. We continue talking and I then ask him THE question, “So…are you.” He then stops and looks at me. I then start to apologize, but he interrupts by saying something cute like, “Why do you think I asked you to go get something with me.” I mean this guy got swag and this guy got me going hard. We’re walking and its such a nice day, one of those rare warm days in the bay. He then asks me more questions that are somewhat deep. I answer and I ask him similar questions.

Time is definitely passing by and I start to look at my clock or whatever. He notices and ask if I need to be somewhere and I reply with no. He then makes some kind of joke. The thing about this guy is, he’s easy to talk to and I don’t have to ask much. He doesn’t talk about totally random stuff or FILLERS to just make the conversation flow, but he just talks as if we already have been friends for awhile. We then part ways and thank each other for a wonderful night/day. We told each other we’d call or text or something.

After that, I just couldn’t get over the fact that this guy…THIS guy was actually talking to me. lol I was definitely enamored. I didn’t want to look or act desperate so I waited for his text or call. Days went by and nothing. I kind of got sad. However, just at the right time, he calls me and asks if we could hang out again soon. I started to smile on the phone and well we set up another “date”.

What I realized about this guy, hes very charming and sweet. I mean really sweet. The type of guy you would bring home to mom. He’s Pilipino, but he doesn’t really know much about his heritage. This date, I decide to school him on some information about Pilipinos in the bay area. He is excited and really takes everything in. What I also like about him is he truly knows how to listen and pay attention. He asks a lot of questions and just assures me that he does like what I’m talking about. He is very family oriented from the conversation we have. He has siblings and hes the oldest. He’s about 23-26 btw. He works and he tells me how he got his job, which is pretty impressive. He has already graduated from some college, which makes me more motivated to continue to seek higher education. He’s out to his friends and his family, they actually support him a lot in whatever he does…just as long as he provides for the family.

He definitely enjoys basketball and singing. He explains a little basketball when we hang out. I look at him with a confused look. He then tells me that he and I will go shoot some hoops. He also light weight serenades me with his favorite song. Which surprises me cause its not your typical song. He is medium built. He explains that he loves to run and work out. I too chime in with liking to run too. We both laugh and say the cliche “We have a lot in common aye?” He explains his past very light weight – he has a lot of trust issues and thats because a lot of people have been shaddy to him including family. So when it comes to trust he says its a must and its important. We some how talk about relationships and he explains he’s not looking for one in particular right now and I nod my head, kind of sad, but he then comes back with, “But I don’t mind this right here!” HE IS A FUCKING TALKER! AWWWWWWWWWW lol.

But thats pretty much the end of date two. haha the rest is history right? hehe

Well…=] theres my guy and I’m lucky to call him mine =] hehe.

August 15, 2009

iljb#44: Family Business & Then Sum…

I just want to say first and foremost that these past few weeks in my life have been amazing and have been life changing. I’ve gained a better outlook on life and have gained a better respect for me. What I mean by respect is that, I’ve really taken care of myself these couple of weeks and it has been amazing. I feel so good and I feel like its well deserved. I noticed that I used to complain about life, tweet FML a lot, and just be really negative. However, with my new attitude, I have definitely cut that from my system and I am more positive and more hopeful for my future.

My list that I continue to write on my notebook keeps getting bigger. I feel so organized for this fall that I don’t think anything can fuck it up but me. I am just so grateful for just being alive and being able to be here with my family.

On to the business.

My mom, sister, and I went to the car dealership once again today (Nissan) to try to get a car. Well it actually was way more faster and efficient today that I almost peed in my pants because I thought I was going to drive out with a new car, however, credit scores affected us getting the car and we ended up going home without one. BUT a lesson that I learned that stuck with me today is to really trust my mom and what she says. Pilipino moms are really blunt and sometimes just rude – example – my mom. She was really haggling with the dude to lower the price of 400 a month to 275. She got 280. At first I was like, “WOW I don’t want to do this anymore.” cause I felt how my mom was doing her business was rude and really just negative from how I saw things. But as she later explained, “Joaqui, I have 30 years of experience, you need to remember that. This is how you get what you want.” I kind of just sat back and pondered at what my mom said. She was right once again. It just bugged me because I never saw my mom haggle and well I guess thats how you haggle…shes fucking good if I might say so myself. But yeah, she taught me an important lesson today – if you want something real bad – you have to work to get it – no exceptions. She was telling the dealer, “Alright, I’m going to give you one last chance take it or leave it 275…wait 280. If you come back and its still 300, forget it!” Thats my mom in business mode. She got what she wanted, she stood firm.

Even though we ended up not having a new car, kind of wasted a sunny day indoors, I had more of an appreciation to my mom in how she wanted to “give me an early birthday present” and even though her tactics to getting what she wanted was annoying to me, she did her best to get the car. That in itself just made me smile and well be grateful I have a mom like her. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I was disappointed, but that “car” issue is the last of my worries. I swear my attitude has just really help me to have patience and understanding.

My brother pissed me off though, his exact words to me last night was, “How you expect to pay for that car when you can’t even pay for dinner.” I was like wow you fucking bitch. But I understand why he’d say such a thing…he’s broke himself. But it just irritated me that fuck I’m getting my grind on up in SF, with a job, and trying to help the family at the same time (SOON) and he has the nerve to say shit like that. Its like, foo you don’t know what I’ve been through these past 5 years since I left for college. I mean fuck, you still think I like anime and call me every time to your room with that “its important” kind of gesture to me. To add, just how he talks to my mom is fucking irritating. Its like no respect man. If I learned anything from SFSU, its that to appreciate your family – my mom most importantly. Its crazy to see how much I’ve changed and how much my relationship to my mom has changed. I reminisce the times where I did talk back to my mom and just yell at her, I sure didn’t know what I was doing – ha I thought I did.

Mothers know best and my mom knows best. It was like a moment in a movie where the mom goes and tells me, “He’s taking it out on me cause he just had a hard day.” I’m like OKAY wow, don’t take it out on you! Shit, I really don’t have a problem with stepping up to my brothers when they disrespect my mom like that. O HELL to the fucking no!

So that basically just irritated me last night, but its ok…he means well.

So I just had dinner with the fam – and well it was nice =] I love them. I had such a great dinner by my brother who pissed me off LOL hahahahahahahah you swear I haven’t eaten for days…ahhhhhhhh :X Anywho … I guess thats all I want to blog about my fam. Shrugs…

August 14, 2009

iljb#43: Wounds are still healing…

The last person I ended up “doing stuff” with kissed (that meant something) was J. I know I must have been some kind of blind fool to have been so on it when he was down, but honestly my intentions was pure and honest. However, one thing led to another and I ended up doing something that I wished I prevented. Didn’t help that I was drunk and he was lightweight buzzed. I did like him, but I didn’t want to get into something serious…just start talking.

But again, I was stupid…he just got out of something serious. How could I have competed with someone who spent their days with J? I had nothing on him – only that I knew how to treat another man right. But that was just it…I wanted to treat J right…but instead I stumbled and fell too quick. I was naive…I know, but after a month having passed, not hearing one word from him, and well leaving last “desperate” sounding text for attention…it does still get to me. Especially with what I ended up stumbling on.

Youtube is such a tease in that, you can see that person, but only see and hear what they have to say…not what you have to say. Anyway, I ended up watching Js youtube and it just struck me…made me question…Are you still with that guy?

Like I said, my wounds are still healing and even though nothing was officially serious…I did open up to him when in the very beginning when we started to talk…I rejected him. HA. How the world turns. I swear.

I’m okay, I am. It just reminded me of him is all. But I will say this, I bought the song that he described to me…everytime I hear it…I think about his past…sigh.

– – –

I’ll blog about it tomorrow, but I came home realizing that I do have a lot of obligations to attend to…some good…some bad…

August 14, 2009

Spotlight Edition: Alister Alarva


This is a picture of a recent photoshoot Alister Alarva and friends did at Dolores Park. It was such a gloomy and windy day that we weren’t sure how things were going to pan out, but ZANG – I must say, this photoshoot is on point.

This marks my first “Spotlight Edition” on sfstateofmind and I think its fitting. This picture just made my day and it just captures a wonderful photoshoot concept. Alister Alarva has been capturing moments since freshman year (as far as I remember), but it wasn’t until a few years ago that Alister began doing legit photoshoots. Out of our group of friends he is the MAIN MAN behind the lens. He captures moments and creates masterpieces. His unique style in photography sets him apart from other photographers. He truly does have a gift and he is using it!

As summer is slowly ending, Alister Alarva is still continuing to book more clients/friends to add on to his portfolio. On a personal note, I only see big and greater things for this guy. He is truly an amazing artist in his craft and I want you (and you Alister) to know that I appreciate your craft.

Check out more of his photoshoots on his Zenfolio @ HERE. I am proud to call this guy my friend and even more proud to see his continued success in his art!

Stay tuned, Alister Alarva has only just begun!

August 13, 2009

iljb#42: Getting shit done and out of the way

Simply put, I am hustling my way through August. I am so grateful however for all the opportunities thats this summer has offered to me. Many job opportunities (however many failed attempts), relationships (friends and significant wanna bes), quality time with family, and most importantly hanging out with the wonderful friends. I must say that this summer, regardless of the downside of things, has been the best yet that I have experienced. It feels so right, feels so good, it feels like I am where I am supposed to be.

Less than a week from now, I will be embarking on a trip down to SoCal and officially be free from being poor 😀 haha hopefully fin. aid kicks in before we leave *CROSSES FINGERS*. You never can tell anymore due to budget cuts. Anywho, this whole trip and this upcoming year is just slowly creeping closer than I thought. A week ago I couldn’t believe it was August. Now we in mid August and I can’t believe my birthday is coming up!

Twenty friggin three. What an awesome number. Esp. since I will be turning 23 on the 23rd! 😀 I love it. I can’t help but smile and be grateful for all the blessings that I have been bestowed in my life. Everyday is a blessing. Everyday I know that it will be a good day!

It would be nice if I had someone to share it with – but like I said in my recent video, I’m glad I’m single and I am happy. But you know, I can’t help but have those feelings of wanting someone. I think its just human nature to want/be with someone. We come in pairs in a way haha. I’m just assuring myself that once the semester kicks in I will bump into that wonderful guy that I have been thinking of.

It was nice to feel giddy at Intramura and seeing that guy. He was so fione! haha Ralph knows him, or I think he does since I checked facebook lol. *STALKER* okayy haha. But it was fun having a lil exciting added to the night. I won a balikbayan box LOL ugh I wished for it HAHA damnit! DAMN the secret.

On another side note, today I felt so productive because out of the list that I wrote down for today, I basically got over half of it done. I’m so proud of myself. I get shit done and out of the way mother fuckkass!

I just can’t wait till school starts and my real grind begins. I think this fall sem. will be my hardest in a long time. It will test me in so many ways that I’m scared, but more so excited and hopefully.

What will come will come. I just have to pray and know for the best =] …Tis all for this wonderful Thursday. Goodnight world.

August 11, 2009

iljb#41: I need to fuck something.

This entry will be pretty blunt if you didn’t get the hint from the title already. So lets get to it.

I honestly just need to fuck someone. I haven’t had such a dry spell in my life lol. I guess thats a good thing – a good change for once. I mean, not to say that I’m promiscuous, but I do know how to get mine. The worst I’ve done lately is make out with a person, other than that I haven’t had sex or anything remotely close to it.

I’ve been really feeing it though. I guess my testosterone has gotten the best of me. Gay or straight, a dude needs to let it out. I don’t understand why folks gotta deny the fact that they gotta bust one. I mean I’m not a nympho or anything, but fuckkkkkkkkk I need to fuck something or get laid. lol damnnit.

I guess its true, once you’ve had sex, things will never be the same. You just crave that touch, that feeling, that certain kiss, that bust! I think I’m over the fact of just messing with the “right now” kinda go guys and just save that for the “maybe right kinda guy”. Oh mommy would be so proud of me LOL. It used to be that I’d be sexually active every two or three weeks, but now its completely been a month since the last time I really did something. -__- Am I loosing my game? Maybe I’m just being lazy. LOL maybe I’m done with that lifestyle.

I want to say, “I don’t get how people can just mess around and just fuck constantly.” But then again I did it before haha. 2-3 guys in one day. AHHHH I must admit those where fun times. I used to even count how many I could get in a week. GOSH how baaddddddd. Who does that? I might sound really bad right now, but trust I know I’m nothing close to bad. Sometimes I just wish I could put myself back in that situation where I can have casual sex or oral, but I can’t do that anymore. I just feel that doing that now will just set me back. Therefore, PORN is definitely my best friend. lol.

I guess I’m okay with being single for now, haven’t done that in a while – but if sex does come to my door step – I’ll consider it haha. SHIT I am young and fuck if it happens then fuckk alright then =].

AHAHAH I’m laughing because I’m wondering what my youtube subbies or anyone who sees this will think. To be honest, its fine with me with what you think, I gotta just do me. Trust, I’m not as bad as you might think I am. haha

Which brings me to another point, why is it OK for someone who looks promiscuous to do all that shit and you be fine with it, but when it comes to someone like me its like I’m judged on a higher pedestal. To be honest, I’m just human – with needs and I need to fuck something LOL hahahaha

MAN – I’m just being way too honest its funny =P

DUDE I just wanna poke your FACE lol