Archive for ‘relationships’

June 21, 2011

cannon ball

May 29, 2011

THE GUYS THAT JUST DO IT FOR ME

Even though after all that has been said and done with what I had with them, I still get that feeling when I see them…that damnnn I had that…and that …fuck I wish I still had that. Aaron def knows how to play with his looks and swag. He knows I dig it and every time I see him, he plays off of my reaction. Boost of his ego! lol. Ben does the same damn thing too. Every time I see him, even though he doesn’t show it, he knows that I know he still finds me attractive. Simple touches, hugs, taps…I mean common. Especially if you know hes looking at straight at you from hella far when he could be looking else where…but hes looking at me. lol. Andi….even tho hes the biggest twat I’ve met…he still gets me. His charm is def. a killer…no bueno…Patrick. SMH…lol he def did not have the brains when around me, but damn did he know how to make out! UGHHHHHHH best make out guy EVERRRRRR and he was hot too. lol. But we def. did not have to talk about. Richard…man I remember it vividly…man I fucked up on that one…he coulda been a good guy for me. Before he left for college, he said hed doing anything for me…be there…blah blah…I definitely lost a good one. ROB. lol damn that guy. EVERYTIME I think about Washington I think about him…that bitch! lol..nah but he is the sexiest black guy I know. Lightskinned…hella fione…really sweet. smh…I had his attention once…smh…Andrew. Andrew was another one. smh. UGH haha had an amazing bed, car, swag. LOL ughhhhh wtf happened? mmm long distance I guess…I dunno. Carlos. mannn oh man…did he play me on a string lol…fucking bitch LOL, but nevertheless…he was so cute..

the end…

May 28, 2011

iljb#161: SUMMER 2011 RESOLUTIONS





Make the most of summer, make sure that I do me and make sure that I put myself first and my happiness first before anyone (depending on circumstances). Never will I put what I feel second to please someone else. Never will I do, say, go out of my way for someone to like me. People will like you for who you are, not what you front.

I want to take care of myself better. Be more healthier and continue to work out. I want to make sure I go see a physician for my back before summer ends and make sure that I take care of my over all well being.

I want to get everything in my apartment by the end of summer. I want a TV, a kitchen table, and mini chairs for my apt. I want to make this feel like home and not some place I just sleep in. Its slowly turning out great.

I want to make sure that I save money – spend less on food, and save more. I’ve done a lot of saving in the past few months, given my money out to folks/family/friends…now its time to really save for myself.

I will not have sex with a person this summer just to have fun. Starting today, I will make sure that anyone (which is no one lol) who wants to get it in, I will make sure that I don’t just FUCK to just have fun, but fuck because we’ve known each other for awhile…lol smh…so its gonna be a dry summer huh? LOL

I will do my best to keep a smile on my face. I will do my best not to let my mind get carried away with small things and letting them get into my head.

This summer I want to build a stronger relationship with myself.

2011 has blessed me so much for myself and my family that I know theres more to come. I am grateful, I just need to continue to remind myself why…

– Graduated
– Full time Job
– Lives on my own
– Drives
– <3ing family
– <3ing friends
– bright future ahead (just need to take it one day at a time)

I need to stop worrying about whos not in my life…being single is and should never be an issue.

These past two days…I dunno if its just my mini depression kickin in…or if I'm just tired…
Whichever it is…I gotta get out of this rut.

May 17, 2011

iljb#160: MOVING PAINS


I’m not trying to please anyone, for awhile now, I’ve been making sure I please myself – do me, make sure to count on myself because in the end its my life and I can only count on myself to make this life count.

Its been so hard – feeling uncertain that my check for the 27th will be enough…I dunno if any of this OT will do any good…I feel like all the OT is not gonna add up…at least for this coming check…As much as I have this “money comes and goes” attitude…I need to be more careful with it, esp. these coming weeks. ITS def. become more evident that even though I have everything in life that I’ve worked for – that I really need to start being careful with it.

These past two days I’ve only eaten one meal…starving myself just to save a few bucks until Friday…sounds real stupid right? I feel like these couple of weeks I’ve just been temporarily doing things to help me avoid my feelings about certain things. These temporary highs…look at where its gotten me…

FUCK gas is so expensive…

This week has definitely come…and I feel like I fucked myself over…Friday is a fucking mess…with Vince’s grad, moving, then Sters bday. Saturday I plan to do OT and attend Sters bday lunch. Then Sunday is FilGrad…o man…so how do I do laundry and go to UC before all this? Counting on myself for all this…sigh…I understand how people have certain priorities in life…and are busy…I know the feeling. I try and do my best, the best I can at that moment, to be there for folks…even when shit in my life is so jumbled…but I don’t feel I get it in return…thats expecting too much…and I’ve learned expecting things from people end up in big disappointments.

I’ve spent a lot of time with family recently…I feel good…its nice being back home…I feel like I learn more about my past than I have in previous years. My family is being blessed month by month with all the blessings God has recently given my family. My faith in God is slowly strengthened each day…I pray that I can be a good Christian and put my faith in him with all my problems…My job, I feel like I am so lucky to have the job that I do have – I’ve been working my ass off to just make it this month and next month…its been hard…I’ve been tired. As far as my friendships…they’re there…I just can’t fully give my all to them right now because I’m so occupied with all this moving and feelings I have…they know this cause I’ve said it to them. It doesn’t mean I care less about them…I just am taking care of myself because if I don’t I’m going to fall hard. Can’t give my 100% to others, if I can’t even do that for myself.

I feel ok…I feel hurt…these few weeks were definitely a roller coaster ride…I talk to myself a lot these days…

I’m moving…it hurts…its happening

May 8, 2011

iljb#156: If these thoughts could talk…

















The time for me to fly is now…so let me fly…

February 20, 2011

iljb#155: Lesson Learned…still in progress




I’m having one of those relapse moments about Danny. I mean, as much as its been so long since I’ve actually talked to him or seen him, I just can’t help but think about him. I tell myself I just need to find another guy worth my time who can help me get passed him because at this point, he was close to being the best I ever had. So when you had the best you ever had, its kind of difficult to anything else other than that. Then again – no opportunity has really risen for me to feel like that. Its been 4 months I’m still single – not talking to anyone, not fucking around, just doing me…and I’m glad…however its just different. Just like what the book I’m reading says, everyday is a new day to learn…learn something…forgive…and love.

I’m on that different kinda level shit
Don’t understand me kinda level shit
Gotta be real to get with me kinda level shit…

I’m good – just going through the motions…
This too shall pass.

I miss him…I really do =P


February 12, 2011

Couldn’t help but remind myself

February 11, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE

First and foremost, I must say that I am proud of what I am creating on youtube and on this wordpress. I feel as though its really integrating my videos and a little more explanation to why I did that video. I like it, I’m really doing it yal – like I said I would. I’m excited and its going to be a slow process, but I am doing my best in keeping my word about what I said I would do this year with youtube. I’m giving you roomies more of me than I have in past months and its all me…100%. I appreciate all the continued support, questions, subscriptions, etc. ITS HARD WORK, but its all worth it in the end. I just wanted to just do this side note before I begin ;).

So this was definitely something I wanted to do for a long time now. I haven’t written poetry for about 2 years and it saddens me because poetry was my life – my outlet…when I was hurting this past year, I didn’t even use poetry to help me understand my emotions…shows how disconnected I have become to my words. Doing this hopefully will give me more inspiration to do more of this, work on it better, and become that writer I know I can be. Speaking of which, I miss my ILDD on wordpress. Search it and you’ll find a short series of stories. I’m gonna plan to do that as an addition to wordpress. So excited. I have so much creative juices flowing that I can’t wait to execute all of them ;), but remember I have a full time job and one me doing all this – I truly need an assistant haha.

SO this video was about not wanting a superhero – in a sense – not wanting to be saved by someone. We don’t need saving from anyone, we are perfectly fine saving ourselves. We’re strong and have hidden powers ready to burst. Like Katy Perry sings, “BABY YOU’RE A FIREEEEEWORKKK!” :D. I just got inspired with the word superhero and probably going to add a more legit poem and expand.

Ahh what a soso Friday…let my Saturday start off right 😉 I did laundry already, so now I can fully enjoy the sun =]

February 10, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE

Man I’m so fucking irritated with Patrick. Fuck this bitch. FOREAL. I mean, what happened to the guy I dated back then? Shit that guy…wait…he’s still the same…a big reason why I had to break up with him. He couldn’t hold a conversation and he’s said it himself. He’s not on my level and I definitely do not tolerate that kinda shit. If you not on my level, oh well…its not that you’re a bad person, but you’re just holding me back…and I’m not trying to have that.

So he had the nerve to ask for a fucking favor. LIKE are you joking? You have not once really talked to me or said hey lets kick it…its always been an idea. Its like bitch, step yo game up! YOURE A FUCKING AMAZING GUY, I know it…but you lack everything/potential…because you’re so lame. Well you’re lame towards me. I feel like you can talk to anybody …but when it comes to me you get all shy and shit…I know I’m intimidating but helllllo its me! I ain’t gonna take anymore excuses, been doing that for hella long…its time for me to just really put my foot down. As much as I would have wanted to say yes you can stay over, I just couldn’t let myself do that. AND if I did say yes…at what time would he come over? What time would he leave? Am I suppose to entertain him? Sorry, but where were you the past couple of months…exactly…

I hate when folks come in and out like that as if its okay. Or as if nothing has changed…its like bitch NO! You can’t just fucking do that! You’re fucking lame, lame, and again LAME! mmmm I had to do this video cause it irritated the hell out of me! UGH, favor…WTF I GUESS

February 10, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


I wanted to do this video for some reason, I guess after watching parts of For Colored Girls, I got inspired? haha. Well it just a simple video I decided to do because Valentines is coming up and for those who are rushing to get a “date” or “hook up” or whatever it is, I figured I’d reinforce the fact that the REAL love you should be catering to is you – the most important LOVE of all. Sure it would be nice to have someone on Valentines Day, but honestly its more meaningful if that person was MEANINGFUL in your life as well.

Been there done that many times over where I would just rush to get a Valentines…but honestly, there isn’t a big Valentines memory that I really remember…eh its whatever ya know.

BE SINGLE – BE OK. BE HAPPY – BE SINGLE.

I rather be in love through movies or shows, than be in love right now with a person. It just make sense that by the time I get out of this whole rut of being single I will know 100% who I am, be comfortable with who I am, and not be afraid to ask for what I want when I want it. I guess thats the best part of being single – DOING YOU. When you’re with someone, you tend to put yourself in the backseat. Well…I’m tired of doing that…I’ll do me…and shit

I RATHER SPEND HELLA MONEY ON MYSELF ON VALENTINES DAY than on someone whose only temporarily going to be there for me. YA FEEL ME!

😀 HAPPY EARLY V.

On a sidenote: WARRIORS GAME NEXT WEEK ;D

February 8, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


I’m totally in love with this song! AHHHH he makes me happy ;D VALENTINES THEME SONG RIGHT HERE 😀 AWWWH


So I decided to make this video because today was interesting. Upon checking my phone this morning, I found this msg from this guy. Yeah I put him on blast, but to be real, I probably helped someone from being just another fuck. Unless they want that, then I probably gave him more of a shout out than a call out LOL either way it works out. ;D

Things like this happen on downelink and sad to say I’ve been victim to this kind of “fuck”. I guess its a mix of being desperate for attention/wanting someone to really hold you. I can’t be mad at those folks who get into this…I was there once too. I can’t be all mad at those who do it because I was the person doing it at one time. But we all learn from it and we grow from it. Its an experience that WE ALL have to go through, gay or straight.

You know better…or at least I’d hope.


February 7, 2011

THINGS I THINK ABOUT





February 6, 2011

BBT#2: I can’t stop this feeling anymore

I love glee. Finn wasn’t really someone I thought I’d think was cute, but I have grown fond of him. Anyway, I’m totally watching some animal planet shit lol. I’m like how the hell do these cameras get so damn close. Its like magic. Lol. Well today is going to be real chill too, the best weekend I’ve had at home. I stayed up till 2 playing rainbow six with my bro. Awww it was fun, too bad I sucked at the game, but still it was legit. Vanquish, even though I wanted it like no other, made me mad how I couldn’t get passed the first stage. I’m like ughhhh. I still wanna see dead space.

My fam and I are going to church soon, yee I’m excited. I got a lot to thank god about. Well I’ll continue this later, but this weekend was so perfect muahah. Being SINGLE is wonderful day 2. Yee

February 5, 2011

Blackberry Thoughts#1: Excited for this

Well this is super fun. I’m at a Kirin w/ my family and I’m happy bc I’m ready to eat nom nom. Additionally, I’m happy I downloaded this wordpress bb app. Now I feel like I’m more mobile w my thoughts. Hehe I hope this will help me reply to folks faster yee. Well I’ve just enjoyed my saturday here in Mt. View. I never used to go home, but now I feel like its a must. Its really nice.

You know, February is going by quick too..shit its almost the middle of Feb. I can’t believe it… Sigh its amazing…full time, more time spent w roomies, friends, just doing me. Pleeeease remind myself how amazing it is to be single. It really is.

I guess bc valentines is coming up everyones just like getting ready to be all lovey dubbie with whoever, but it my experience, just like any holiday, this too shall pass. Valentines has become one of those holidays where u wanna find the girl/guy for that day, when you know its okay to be single. I’m ok being single and need to remind myself.

Alright, off I go home to play vanquish yee

January 31, 2011

iljb#154: MOVING right along…

You know that phrase, “Well moving right along…” Well I decided I need to implement the same thing in my life. I need to stop having tendencies to which I just wait for “IT” to come to me. Whatever “IT” may be, I find myself sometimes waiting for “IT” to happen. Well you know what…I’m tried of that and definitely FEBRUARY will mark me moving right along. I am sick and tired of having this kinda passivity in my life right now. I NEED TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN for February. I will start tomorrow. I’ve been slowly making it a point to lift my weights that I used to lift, soon, I’ll be doing push ups, then crunches, then back to running! 😀 I’ve done it before, but I’m really going to make it a point to lose 20 pounds. EFF this chubby bunny status.

Its taking time…it really is…ROME wasn’t built in a day…and this new series on youtube, my life, everything else is definitely not going to come easy on a platter…me even adding youtube into my life amazes me – my dedication to continue to give what I can to my roomies amazes me haha.

BUT I am hopeful that FEB will definitely bring more strength and positive energy that I’ve been lacking. I need to move right along. TIRED OF THIS BS that I be getting from guys, friends, work, just everything…I gotta take control of the situation once more. DO BE, BE ME, BE WHO I AM AT THE BEST THAT I CAN BE.

January 30, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


I’m super excited about the GAY SERIES this time around…in particular this segment. I think I’m going to keep it short just to keep yal in suspense. lol even though its not hella cray cray, but it makes you want to know more. ;D haha So I hope yal enjoy

January 30, 2011

iljb#153: Too Fun SO Fun


I’ve just started to play Miguel’s album for this lovely Sunday morning. Its a really good album, no joke. (BIGGGG SIGH) What a night huh? haha I was sluttin it around with hella girl, esp my adings. HAHAH I love it cause they’re funny…I’m funny when I’m on one. AWWW Bryan hella took me out and I didn’t even get to hang out with as much just because I kept loosing him and he doesn’t know my friends and I don’t know his, so it was so awkward haha. BUT I did make it a point to give him attention, so I tried to do my best, but I couldn’t help but go back to my adings because they kept pulling me back to them. AHAHAH too funny =]. I enjoyed my 3rd day of my first weekend! AHHH, yesterday I got to spend time with my family down in embarcadero at Butterly. It was good and a nice view of the bay…well it woulda been nicer if it wasn’t foggy. BOO! But yeah I enjoyed my time with my family and I really feel like …we can all have a conversation with one another and I’m included. I dunno just because I never felt I could talk to them, but I was able to talk to my brothers about jobs, phones, and everything in between. It was nice. Yesterday was nice too cause lol I went shopping. LOL ughh…I spent a shit load yesterday…but its all good, I deserve it…its my way of saying you did the fucking thing this month in getting hired, efff it…go enjoy your money! ;D haha SAVING will be Feb, foreal foreal =]. Anyway, Ima enjoy the rest of my WONDERFUL sunday. =] Have a goooood one to whoever reads this. haha.

January 29, 2011

iljb#152: So what you know about that club?

It was super nice to finally have my first weekend since 2005. A REAL weekend in which I don’t have work. THANK GOD! 🙂 I now have a full time job of which now I am permanent! AHHHHH I worked my ass off to get here and I can final reap the benefits and so to begin I went out with the roomies last night 😉

I have not said ROOMIES in a long time, I guess its taken me this long to accept that its time to let go of what was and move forward with what is. Take this time to enjoy the moments with my roomies esp. Eric. I’m glad we’re slowly talking and slowly hanging out…oh Virgos. Thank you drunk nights that begin everything ;). I saw JP last night too and to be honest I couldn’t help but let go of what was and just enjoy his presence. Of course its not gonna be ALL good right away, but if anything that was GOOD last night happened, that was def. one of them. I haven’t talked to him for over a year and half? Something like that. So it was nice and if you happen to read this UPDATE JP, I’ll be waiting for that tweet. 😉

Other than that, I was not AS drunk as I wanted to be, buzzed yeah, but I was too aware of what was going on with GAY people around me and couples and blah blah blah…I couldn’t help but revert to emo mode…I was looking at the cute guys (hahaha looking at blurred cute guys cause I didn’t have my glasses) and I couldn’t help but ask myself…when am I gonna have fun again…when am I gonna stop feeling like this. Maybe I’m not used to clubs as much, esp. straight ones, but I’m goning to Minna tonight so we’ll see how that goes. 😉 – NEW OUTFIT PAAALEASE! haha.

Anyway…I gotta go…maybe write more later.

Last night was the beginning and end of a few things. Good end to Jan.

January 27, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


The GAY SERIES are back, hope you all stay tuned. Its gonna be a good one 😉


Florida reps piss me off UGH! I was like UGHHH.


I figured what better way to come back by doing “THE PERFECT GUY 2011” video. haha I enjoyed it, hope you all do too.


The new series that I promised my roomies! I decided to do more videos for 2011…so lets begin :D.

January 16, 2011

iljb#144: After the rain…

Its been raining for a couple of weeks now and its only yesterday that the sun came out to play. I’m looking outside my window and I think the sun will be staying for a few more days. Funny how it does that…you’re freezing one minute then hot and bothered the next. This upcoming week is going to be great. I’m starting off right too by taking this personal day off from my hectic schedule. I guess I have to do “me time” every once and awhile, I mean if I don’t I’m going to be a hermit crab who’s really cranky all the time…then again I find myself like that to begin with haha. Since last night, I’ve began my “me time” in which I just do me. I tried to do a video, but I seriously failed at doing one. Maybe today will be better for a video. I have about like 7 videos that I haven’t posted because I’m too lazy to edit and I find myself just rambling. lol.

But I enjoyed my night last night because I actually fell asleep while watching finding nemo. Why is this a surprise, because I usually am not that tired and it felt nice to be that tired while falling asleep to a good movie. I woke up this morning and finished the movie – I ended up tearing up because it was a bitter sweet ending to Finding Nemo. Also, I was thinking about how I want to be a dad so bad and I probably would be like that to my kid. This was around 8:30sh…it is now 11am and I have yet gotten ready for the day. I’m supposed to go do laundry and hang out with family today. Pretty chill…Then the day ends with pretty little liars of sorts…and then sleep to wake up to another week of work. I can’t believe January is almost done…boy doesn’t it feel like the new year is just speeding by.

For me, I find life speeding by because I don’t ever have a break to just enjoy it like today. Its so rare. I even told my coworker yesterday that I’m about to quit this deli job, but she said hang on because its gonna close anyway…so I’m like torn…but shes right…I gotta hang on. I’m really fortunate to be where I am and I know I’m reminded of that each day I wake up. I have a wonderful life, with good people around, with a great job to support me. I guess after watching my cousins video, it reminded me that I shouldn’t be putting myself out there in the dating scene just yet…I mean I need to really be single single…which I haven’t done. But ain’t that always the case…I say this speech “I should be single” then find myself crushing on someone and being in a dating scene.

I guess you can’t help that, you know…it just happens. I think I’m coo off relationships right now because I rather live through other peoples relationships through movies/music videos/songs because at least I wont personally get hurt, but I can definitely feel happy for them and have a wishful thinking mindset.

I remember when I wrote a blog about my ideal guy…I think I might have to do that again…I couldn’t help but remind myself of my love – Danny the other day…I mean he really is so much a part of my year in 2010…I spent a lot of time with him and I feel all of that is just missing…I’ll get over it…I just can’t believe I am really that FUCKED that I can’t get over it. Then again I was thinking about Andy and Jimmy too…*rolls eyes* Those looks can kill, but they definitely don’t compliment where I am in my life.

WHERE am I in life? After the rain? I think its safe to say that the sunny weather and week ahead is a good foreshadowing of where I am in life…I’m ready to move on…move forward. Look at my future as one to cherish, love, enjoy. I have one life to live and I can’t spend it wasting away thinking about Danny – though I wonder what the hell he is thinking…how he is…if hes dating…ha…I wouldn’t be surprised…but let it be known for the record…no guy can do what I done for him….welll not someone soon at least LOL haha =]

Anyway…I should get ready for my day…super hungry and I don’t know where my family is -____- womp.