March 31, 2010
iljb#94.5: Thinking…
Before I was going to bed, I read a youtubers message to me on mail about advice in coming out. ITS soooo crazy how folks ask me all these advice, questions, concerns that they have just because…I dunno…its me…lol Well then again, I rather have them go to be than none at all…but its crazy what youtube has done for me…its connected me with so sooo many people good and bad, but all in all its just been an experience that really is unique. What person is able to wake up every day to find a new connection, subscriber, comment, something from a random stranger who lives across the globe. You know what I mean?
I guess it goes to show, that even though I don’t vlog much as I used to or talk about the “GAY” things that count…I’m still able to connect back and reply with my 2 cents…its nice that I can…have the opportunity to help a persons life…SHIT I knew I wasn’t able to have that when I was coming up…fuck LOL…
I guess I feel good…thats it…its sweet and flattering…
March 31, 2010
iljb#94: Today was a good day to REflect.
I guess today I couldn’t help but think how much MORE I could have done in applying to grad school. I guess they were right…my professors…even I caught myself saying it too to the students and parents I talk to about school…don’t just apply to one school. I chose only SFSU and they’re not accepting anyone because of the budget cuts…WELL now I got a year and then some to really think of what I want to do and how to do it. I didn’t even consider Berkeley as a possibility for grad school. I guess too, I got inspired when I saw Aldrich get accepted to really good schools like UCLA and USC…I’m like fuck…if he can do it, I can too. I guess I was just too scared…actually I am scared…that I’m not good enough or my grades wont make the cut…I guess Aldrich is my inspiration to just try and look for other options aside for SFSU…shit if I choose Berkeley and get accepted I can still stay around the area…so here is my new plan…
Berkeley
SFSU
UCLA
USC
SDSU
I’ll think about doing those schools for now…I think Berkeley is a feat to accomplish and reach…how about money though? ugh…we’ll worry about that later right? lol shit I got a year to save CRIES haha…but I guess it goes to show…theres really life after graduation…and I will experience that. I really want to be a professor…I’m doing my internship for ETHS 210. LOL I mean I basically am the teacher lol…I just suck at math though…UGH
SOOO school…I gotta write that paper …FUCK Spring BREAK was not a break…it was like another week for me to just UGHHH…
Thats why I guess I shopped today to take care of all worries…sigh…
On a lighter note…I’m glad guys aren’t my prerogative. Its nice worrying about me and not others.
March 26, 2010
iljb#92: Trigger
I guess I’m blogging quickly to vent how I felt about tonights event…wow…TRIGGER…Ryan, me, Terri, and Vince went to Trigger and well…haha I got a black guy dance on me. 😀 haha he was cute =] more later…
March 24, 2010
iljb#91: Socially Retarded =[
So I guess I discovered this new thing called FB chat…well its not really a new thing – its actually been around, but I just haven’t used it…I guess my sad attempt to talk to people I see on a daily/so often basis tonight failed…I was talking to this dude and I was honestly trying to be nice…but I guess I did too much and he asked me, “Are you drunk or high?” …ugh…I failed…I dunno why I took it a lil personal, but it just got me down in the pits cause it makes me wonder why I am socially retarded. I talked to Ryan and I told him I was trying to be like him…excited, fun, and whatever he does to network and make friends…I guess it was just not cutting it for me – or I don’t know how to do it properly…is that why I don’t make gay friends easily or have any for that matter because I can’t socially connect…or just be…social? I DUNNO…I’m lame…I’m getting down on myself on this because I guess I never got that comment before…or just be told that when I was trying to be nice. I mean he was on my FB friends…its like why you add me if you don’t even talk to me? right? RIGHT? Helllooo! I don’t add anyone on FB at all or any social network for that matter – they add me…and when it so happened that I realized this foo was actually my friend I was like aww fun…then tonight just proved to be a FAIL on the social aspect of things…HOW LAME AM I?…super duper…
On another note…check this out
COOL lol
March 4, 2010
iljb#90: Wheat Fields
Theres something about wheat fields that make me feel at peace.
ahh
remind me to write about
how much i dislike dancers, text messages, and when people say something and don’t follow through.
March 3, 2010
iljb#89: Something before I sleep
I love this picture of this girl, for whatever reason, it reminds me of SF and how totally “in” we are. lol I love SF so much…I’m seeing bits and pieces of it that I never experienced and seen before. It feels nice. I have an outreach event for elementary school students tomorrow and before I go to bed…this is what I am doing…I have so much on my mind…I can’t just go to bed yeahno?
See…I felt moded yesterday after buying this dude coffee…today I felt more moded by saying he was handsome…man efff this…you hear those stories of “being real” or “say whats on your mind”…sometimes doing just that makes the situation even worse…its a good thing no doubt, but sometimes…you just need to shut the fuck up and keep it to yourself. After today, I think I’m over the fact of just trying something with anyone. I mean…I gave it a hiatus…and then went back to it…then now I’m back to just saying OKAY real talk…fuck this…
I’m handling a lot.
FilGrad, PCN, TA, Graduation, PACE, Project Connect, work…these are all major shit…no wonder I’m tired…shit and I thought 21 units was hard…fuck…
Well back to what I feel…I dunno…I guess it wasn’t worth putting my ass on the line…I mean waste of breath when I think of it…waste of texts…waste of just anticipation for what…a phone call??? SEE I hate the fact that most of the dudes I know don’t know how to CALL a foo…its just a text…whatever…LAME…not for me…
NEVER MIND this …
I’m going to wake up tomorrow…starting MARCH out fresh…its already the 3rd and I’m wondering where the hell MARCH is taking me…=/ I’m super scared…I’m not sure whats happening…but I know after tomorrow…shoot…I’ll be better…
I’m tired…bc of today, the bullshit, somewhat life…
I just want to relax…I guess we have THURSDAY for all that….=] WELL…lets get it crackin…
March 2, 2010
iljb#88: Birthday Thoughts
I guess tonight was just one of those nights where I just had to stop thinking about it and just enjoy the time I had. However, I couldn’t help but fall in that thought of feeling stupid or…I dunno…was it a waste? Terri and Ster told me to not think about it too much…yeah you’re right…but…I can’t help it. I guess for me…I’m doing something new for 2010…following what I believe in and doing what I say…I guess what I said today was…I’ll get you that coffee…So I did…and well…it fell short of what I expected. What I expected was at least…a lil more conversation…well it was nice…but…its fine…things happen…and unfortunately today…didn’t happen the way I thought it would. But thats fine…nothing ever goes planned anymore…
I feel stupid because it was the first time I met him and I felt like I was lightweight pushing to hang out…but I guess it takes two…he did say get him coffee…and well I did…but I can’t help but think what if he just said that to get a free drink…I guess like he told me a few days ago…”I’d like to give folks the benefit of the doubt.” Well I guess my thing is…don’t say something to me and then not do it…its gonna bug me…like the simple “I’ll text you after I get off…” Well I waited…its 1:33am…still no text. I know…I am thinking over it too much…we aren’t talking…we barely know each other…shrugs…whats the point…I am trying…I AM, but its just falling short of what I had expected…
Is there something wrong with me? I mean who gets a FREE coffee for a guy? UHH duhh a guy that wants to show that he’s interested in getting to know you…maybe I should brush it off…mmmm maybe…sometimes its not worth the stress…=P
I do have a lot to worry about…and this one should not be on my list…
thats why they call it a CRUSH – it hurts…
happy birthday MARY – thanks for sharing.
March 1, 2010
iljb#87: Things I shouldn’t think about…
I shouldn’t feel like I need to try to impress you or that out of everyone I should be the one you should be looking at. I feel moded when I try to anyway.
My experiences, my thoughts, my words... 