Archive for July, 2008

July 17, 2008

bittersweetsummerconcluded

this summer has been such a blessing. i am thankful for what the lord has been able to give me. my friends, my family, my job, and everything else. im so very thankful. its simple things like that which remind me that im gonna be ok and that ill be able to move forward not back.

i have the best friends i could ever count on. regardless if i stay in my room most of the time, i can count on these folks to liven up my day and make it worthwhile. every moment spent makes me smile. and every moment spent is treasured because i know this space we have isnt forever. =/. i want to make a montage about us soon soo look out for that. but yeah…i cant believe i did without these folks prior to college…WTF? haha.

im thankful for my family being strong at this difficult time. shit, only the men of the house are working, while my mom and sister just wait and try to keep their sanity. i dont know how they do it but the main income comes from two folks who really hold it down…trying to make ends meet…when you want to talk about hustle and struggle, i think my family is a perfect example especially these past two years…it hasnt been easy, but by the grace of god we’re able to make it through and im thankful for that.

as far as my job, i cant really complain that much because ive been given a job that really fits me and well makes my day. who doesnt want free jamba everyday? haha. but besides that, ive been promoted and am currently the oldest jamba team member there! EK. howd that happen? in any case, im thankful that i have a wonderful boss who is understanding and has fiber like no other. team members who are cool. and well a job that i know i can handle. its hard, but its decent at the same time.

but its been bitter at times…and without a doubt the hardest summer i have encountered. heartbreak, financial assistance, and work to name the top three on my list.

heartbreak…i think its safe to say that i didnt put my heart on the line this past summer as i did before, but i put it out there and unfortunately heartbreak. im left thinking what did i do wrong, did i mess up, why doesnt he talk to me, why why why? and i was trying soooo hard not to fuck up to. not to fuck up with what i said or the things i did…but either way…after my phone was disconnected…so was my relationship. im the type that never lets people get in easily. its real hard, even for my friends…some dont really understand what goes in this head of mine…and it goes to show…im not that type to open up quickly…but unfortunately, with this guy…i decided to slowly open myself up and took the chance…and i dont regret it, but i just wished i went about it another way. you know when you really like a person…and they crush you badly…youre whole state of mind changes…i mean thats what happened to me. i kept seeing the persons name at work, movies, tv shows, …things like that…it was making me go insane…ughhhhhhh. but im ok now…i do a good job in self help…and im a better person going through it…it just sucked…because i really liked him =P sucks. i blame it on karma…but it was well deserved.

financially, when you want to talk about someone who is supporting themselves independently, i think im a perfect example of that. i mean, this summer has been soo hardddd and i think its my fault because i wasnt wise to begin with in spending my money, but still…i work my butt off to pay the bills i have…it sucks cause this is the first time in my life where i saw i had 94 cents, 10 dollars, 21 dollars… left in my bank account….and thats supposed to last me until i get my next pay check which doesnt even go back to me…it goes back to rent…this is also the first time where i havent been able to pay rent on time. before i used to be the first to turn in rent, now im the very very last. shit im still trying to pay off this months rent…and what…its almost aug…so i gotta pay for augs rents soon. its like a fucking cycle that never fucking ends…im worreid that my phone is gonna get disconnected again…cause i wont be able to pay for it cause i have to pay for rent. i have to pay for an oil change and im scared my car will break down. i have to pay for my credit bill cause im over…which i know i wont be able to pay for. i need to pay for my parking tickets because i still havent paid it since april…its like 100 + now…so im in fear that my car will get towed…i have to pay for 2 retreat, utilities, and paying back shit to my friends….LIKE WTF!!!!!!!!! and you might ask…why dont you ask your parents, like no…thats not an option, they got they own shit to deal with…me asking for 40 already was too muchhhhh…sigh…it just bothers me that some folks in the world live life spending their money on shit that luxurious like nothing while i pay for shit and try to hustle so i can survive the next week. ugh…i dunno…its been real hard…and it worries me…luckly its just for another couple more weeks until the end of aug. then ill be good…but until now…sigh…its even gotten to the point where i had to ask friends for money to help me pay for shit. I DONT DO THAT! i dont fucking ask for help…ugh…embarrassing. i truly believe that when you cant ask your family for help and you turn to your friends for help, work everyday to try and make ends meet, have 94 cents in your bank account at the end of the day…that you are a independent struggling individual who trys to hustle their way through the week…dont talk about life being hard when you know you aint even livin the struggle.

lastely, my job…it goes hand in hand with my financial needs. but its like dude…what i do for jamba should be worth more. its bullshit at times. they got me on my hands and knees scrubbin the floor…its like really though??? and then expect me to make smoothies right afterwards. like really? thats not crackin. and my friends wonder why i come home sometimes cranky after work or why i dont wanna talk or hang out…yeahh thats the reason cause since i work everyday and do bullshit work like that…it gets to me and my body…the worst are when its real busy and you got the bitchiest customers ever…that shits not crackin…i dunno…for the work i do…i dont think its worth it…thats why im sitll on the fence in getting two jobs…but its like fuck can i handle it…you know your independent when you fucking have to look for a second job and really consider it…sigh…you gotta do what you gotta do right…shit…jambas bullshit at times…and im pretty sure a lot of people who work there would agree…actually…the whole team quit and im the only one left from the old jamba…i mean seriously doesnt that say something. ugh…

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BITTER SWEET…i just wanted to vent and express how i feel about this summer…i mean its not done, but im just counting the days that it is so i can get outta this bullshit…this is how i feel…this is the reason why i currently am the way that i am…this is my summer concluded.

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July 5, 2008

Fire CRACKIN

i had a wonderful 4th of july. it was truly a memorable one for me and for my friends. my day started with spending time with my family. my worries were bothering me because my phone bill was on my mind and so was carlos. the fact that i dont have a phone right now is taking a tole on me because this affects me not having a second job. ughhhh i didnt think it would affect me this much. sooo throughout lunch i was just like ugh…how am i gonna pay for these bills…then the loan thing came up…lets cross our fingers sigh…my sisters been helping me with finding focus groups…but right now its just applying…none have gotten back. if they did…id be doing pretty alright right about now. sigh…i wonder how many people do focus groups. anyway, we ate a chabaa and then tuttimelon. haha fun times. 

after, i was invited to go to uc to marys bbq. overall this made my 4th of july memorable. im glad i decided to go cause i was about to say no to cheralen…but i ended up going. frandel, alister, cheralen, and maurus went to uc. it was slow at first, but once we got there we started to eat. lol well i did…and sooo my binge eating began. soon after, i decided we should play basketball. TO BE HONEST, i havent had that much fun playing basketball since…ever…lol playing basketball was fun! i had fun shooting hoops. lol i sound so manly. it was such a guy thing for me to do that i was like HEYYY hahahahahaah. playing with marys brother was fun too, jo, but his comments about gay people was getting old. saying frandel was a girl and hes gay blah blah. more on that later…

then the real festivities on eating started. pizza, bbq, salad, chips, soda. OMG all the unhealthiest things on the planet at our feet. lol…and i ate more and more and more I HONESTLY dont know where i put it. it was like every hr i ate two or three of something. ughhh this has never happened to me. deng am i really that hungry? lol i feel supper full though so yay! hahah. we also watched the eye with jessica alba. it was cool. but not too scary…it was aight. 

then we started our fireworks festivities. i never did this before so it was something new for me. yay for pictures: 

AWWW fun! haha thanks alister. anyway, it was crazy cause there was a house in front of us that kept on doing REAL fire works in the air, we was like wtfff haha. but it was good times…a lot of smoke and a lot of fun. lol. i kept on eating GAAAAHHH!!! Headed home and here i am right now…

oh marys brother…i dunno it was just annoying how he had a lot of negative gay comments. i was like wow…i need to not be around you cause i will slap a bitch. i was like i cant believe this. i dunno at first i was cool with it, but then it got too much…man…kids these days…i just wonder…

OoOoO sorry to switch gears but i hella watched ABDC last night and shit was tight…

i think two of my favorite performances of the night. sigh lil mama needs to stfu sometimes…ugh she dont know what she be talking about ugh…

OoOOo another tangent. watched the queen, finding forester, and man of the year…amazing movies =] yay…summer. sigh…

i have work tomorrow, sooo ima chill for now…summer is looking up…

i miss carlos…sigh

July 3, 2008

sleep n randomness

so how you do it is you sleep at 7 or 8 and wake up at 11 or something the next morning hahahahahahha. thats basically what i did. i swear i was just planning to take a nap, but nooo…i ended up just sleeping through the night. which is good since i dont get much sleep. i think thats the first time in a long time for me to sleep that long. thats actually unheard of for me to do. i basically just wasted my night last night. whack. hahaha anyway, i feel refreshed, but more so more sleepy. blahhhhh. so my plan today is REALLY do ncpacc…ughhhhhhh WHERE IS MY MOTIVATION FOR PACE? its not there anymore. hahaha honestly whack. ugh anyway, im feeling a lil better with my finances just cause my moms gonna help throw down 200 and all i really need to do is throw down 140 so im okay for now…soo phew…i feel a lil better…man these two months have just been financially draining on me…next month…wont be too much of a problem. 

HEHEHEH!!!

FINANCIAL AID! HOLLER BACK YUNG! 

 

hahaha…my plans as follows

pay for credit card, pay for my rent, phone bill, try to pay off my big bill thats ruining my credit…wait it seemed like i had a lot more to pay for. LOL damnit

well i need to pay mark d and get my car oiled so i think ill be able to do that this month…

i need to get new jeans, shoes, save up money for socal and friendship games. hahaha =] holler. i figure i dont need a camera nor do i need a new phone. it works perfectly fine. haha see what money does ughhhhh! 

butttt yeah …today ima run and try to get shit done…sigh…lets see if it works 😛

July 1, 2008

my worries become the death of me

 i got a call today from h&m like god told me i would, but it was for powell not stonestown and i was sooo bumbed cause i really needed that job. now it seems like the likeliness of me getting a call is very slim. i had to even think about it over the phone with the woman who called me. i was soooo unsure. i had a choice to stick it through and commute downtown or to not take the risk and just stay at jamba. i took the later. i feel soo ugh right now because this is real hard times on me financially. i cant believe im living pay check to pay check just trying to make my living situation work. this has never happened to me before. i hate feeling like i cant pay for shit. you know? i cant pay for my phone bill, i cant pay for my parking tickets, now i cant pay for my fuckingggg living situation. i feel bad because i dont want eric to think im making him pay for all this shit and get away with it. its not even that. the money that i get in my paycheck is just enough to survive two weeks. actually barely. i think of it as…give him all my money and starve to death or…wait until i can really pay for it…sigh…im feeling soooo ugh right now…mannn

and this finding another job business isnt helping at all. ugh. money truly does matter and it does make you happy…cause right now money is making me real depressed. fuck.

so today kris ann decides to put in her two weeks. i will officially be the oldest team member in jamba. wow…and to top that the other training mentor and cso. the fuckkk. i do not get paid enough at jamba to be doing this. today i was being trained to do a lot of things that i should have already known but noooo i wasnt trained properly. i dont even think its shanes fault either, i just think i wasnt properly trained nah mean? sigh…sooo yeah tasha decided to give me a one on one today blahh…-_- work again tomorrow…SUCKS! i swear -_- fuck. -_-

now on to the real business, i have to do this ncfuckinpac. and honestly, i dont have motivation for it. i mean yeah it was my idea, but im really not on core anymore and yeah i understand that its a core/old core thing, but fuck if yal really wanted it, yal would have updated me on whats going on or told me whats up…not wait until last min. not saying that its last min, but next month is aug. FOReal. so ugh anyway, i just man…im not entirely done with pace. and most of em say fuck a pace, but im stuck in the middle…where i need to help in order to just fuck a pace. ya know. man i did so much for pace that its ridiculous how much bullshit i went through. yeah kno? sigh…man…ok..

i just got home from work…gotta do shit…k peace.