Archive for September, 2008

September 30, 2008

Lyrics speak volume

“So I got a round trip ticket
but I dont wanna take it.
I only wanna take half
.. and give the other half to somebody who wont waste it.” –
“The One” – Gabe Bondoc

September 30, 2008

Yeea

Is it cause I’m not a part of it?
Is that why I feel so left out?
Not emo, just unwel
l.

September 30, 2008

HAHAHAH

“i like it when i wake up and theres a text message from a cute ass boy saying ‘Good morning'” – JD 

September 30, 2008

No on PROP 8

SPREAD THE WORD!

No on Prop 8
http://noonprop8.com/

Ignorance spreads quickly! Please spread the word and encourage your family and friends to vote No on Prop 8. Everyone has the right to marry who they want. Everyone has the right to have the same benefits as the next person. Everyone has the right to be happy.

When voting for Prop 8, think about me. Think about a friend who you know is part of that community. Think about what saying YES to prop 8 says about you and about us.

Ignorance spreads fast!

EDUCATE YOURSELVES AND OTHERS

VOTE NO on PROP 8!

Please visit
http://protectmarriage.com/

See why they believe YES on Prop 8

To be honest – WTF?

“Gay marriages taught in public schools?” – WTF is wrong with that???

“We don’t have to accept this?” – WTF? Who are you to say that?

Don’t take my word for it!

September 30, 2008

Some things…

I’m hard headed. I think many people can get that when I refuse to listen. Its hard for me to take someones opinion into consideration – my leo side swear! What I’ve learned is, “The best mistakes are the ones experienced by ones self.” I guess you’ll never know what something truly is unless you’ve gone through it. I’m hard headed and persistent. If anything, if I truly believe in a project, subject matter, SOMETHING, I push my heart into that. Whatever consequences there might be, if its something important to me, then I’ll go for it. I’m hard headed, persistent, and analytical. Everything said, done, action, whatever it is, I analyze it to the point where I worry. I sometimes never know when to just let it be, feel me. Some things are just…JUST. Nothing more and nothing less. It can either ruin me or benefit me. Sometimes, having something too good to be true – is too good to be true. I’m hard headed, persistent, analytical, and soft. When I say I’m soft, I mean that I give the benefit of the doubt. I give folks a chance to be real with me, and hear shit from them. I let people get my trust and hope that in the end it was a choice made wisely. I want to say I don’t trust just anyone, but I must admit, I trust those who I let it pretty easily. I want to say I’m mean, but I let things slide when I know its not worth arguing about. Consequently, all these factor into why I think and do the things I do. Many wont understand, others will try, but only I will understand the reasoning behind it all. 

Like that song by Matchbox 20, “I’m not crazy, I’m just a lil unwell, I know right now you can’t tell…”  

– – – – 

I hate when something comes in between you and school. I HATE, HATE that. Esp, when it affects your grades. I’m an avid believer that school should come first and that folks should know where their priorities lie. I guess thats why I feel bad. Didn’t mean for you to fail a quiz…=/ I feel responsible. Selfishly wanting you to stay knowing you had a quiz. Take care of yourself. School first. 

ugh.

September 30, 2008

You don’t expect that when you grow up

That your assignment is to doodle. haha. Thats what we do in my DAI (Design and Industry) class. We draw while we have professors/presenters come in. CRAZY! In middle school through high school if you were caught doodling, you are considered to not be paying attention. In college however, you are encouraged to! haha CRAZY! Draw – DRAW – DRAWWWWWWW! 

Oh man…it just put things into perspective tonight. Where I want to go with my career.

“Make design an outlet of expression to show cultural relevance about the Pilipino/Pilipino American culture to others through posters, flyers, DESIGN!”

LOL my bad thesis! haha jp! BUT YES! COLLEGE IS NOW IN SESSION in my book. LETS do this! I got hella pumped when Steve Jones spoke tonight, a professor in DAI. I want him as my professor. REAL TALK! 

LETS DO THIS S F S U!!!!! hahah wow…I can’t believe what my classes are expecting me to do haha crazy! 😀

September 29, 2008

stupid phrase

“Don’t get outta pocket!”

People who say this are stupid….

cool =] haha

September 29, 2008

Thoughts

“When in crunch time, the real you comes out”

I love that quote from Professor Begonia. I really haven’t taken it in since his class 2005, but more and more now I feel I understand its meaning. I love how true the statement is.

I’ve just been doing my own thing these past five days. I feel good about it cause I’m doing this for me and not for anyone else. I’m good for now. I’m content.

September 28, 2008

Complicated Context

– – – U P N D O W N

Three years ago, I met a guy named Ben through Open House. It was funny too cause it was so unexpected. Someone told me to talk to him to let him know how to get to SFSU since he was coming for our open house. After I got off the phone with him, the person who let me talk to him (his cousin) tells me he’s gay. I was like WTF??? FOREAL. haha He ended up coming with his other coordinator and me and my other colleague met them at our office. When I saw him, my mouth dropped. *GASP* hes sooooo cute! But really? HES GAY? NO FUCKING WAY! I sat across from him, TRYING to pay attention at the subject matter. We ended the night and said our goodbyes. I talked to my colleague after discussing his appeal to the both of us. We laughed it off, but I was determined to talk to him. The roller coaster ride of events that followed after was full of excitement and heartbreak. When we started talking on aim it stepped it up a notch in getting to know each other. I would feel more inclined to go to other folks events knowing that he’d be there. There was a time however, where my colleague was jealous of my friendship with him and told my core some stupid excuse in why we shouldn’t go support their event – the reason being that I wanted to just see Ben. -_- LAME! Childish acts like that erked me with my colleague resulting in animosity between us when we brought up Ben. 

Ben and I would have conversations of interests. Flirt. Do things that would make your body rush with excitement. For instance, when we shook hands, he would tickle the bottom of my palm. haha the first time he did that, I was like…WTF? -_- Oh did I mention, at the time he recently just came out…or was in transition -_-. We would talk sometimes on the phone, but he would leave me with more questions. Left uncertainty after conversations were done. It got to the point where I was real sprung off of him. YES? NO? He kept me close, when all I wanted was to escape. But ain’t that what happens…you wanna leave, but you don’t because you know it a temporary high. 

On and off, we would talk. But then I found out…he had a boyfriend -_- a boyfriend in which I was also working with currently at the time at his school…AWKKWARD. Which left me pissed and confused. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? His answer…I never got around to…-_- OOOOO-K. So this obviously made me not want to talk to him, which was the case in the end. But later on…it didn’t work out with his boyfriend…he then came back in my life…with my stupid ass letting him in once again. But AGAIN…it was an off and on basis with Ben. When he wanted to talk…-_- 

Fast forward…a year later…we’ve grown up and well moved on, but there was still a piece of me that still would give him that attention and time. We met at Fresh in Berkeley to just meet him after awhile of not seeing each other. My feelings came back for him. He was beautiful! REALLY though. My friends meet him too. He would give me looks without any words to accompany those looks, leaving me to try and decipher them after. We then would text each other after we went our separate ways, but it would always end up with us being frustrated and what not. 

I remember the final push for Ben, mind you we haven’t kissed or anything yet, only flirted. I was in the area…and well drunk…and I wanted to see him. He said he was down, but he was with a bunch of his roommates…I didn’t mind…I was cool just hanging out with him…Long story short…we ended up kissing…but when it was actually happening, the thoughts of “this is not what I expected” and “what are you doing Joaquin?” I was drunk and making out with him – definitely not the romantic setting nor place that I imagined. He ended up passing out, leaving me to think next to him…in disgust…-_- I was hurt again…So that for me was the last real encounter I had with him. 

He never understood why I was mad or hurt by him. He would say sorry, but he didn’t understand the reason for the apology. He would try to again gain my attention, but I had enough of it. Two years I felt wasted…I then deleted him off of myspace and eventually facebook. He would try and add me again and again, but I would refuse. My way of getting someone out of my life slowly…

Yesterday, he imed me…saying he missed me. Three years later…things are definitely not the same and I’m able to talk to him without any emotions attached. We lightweight reminisced about the things that I discussed earlier, and all we could do was respond with “lol” or “oh yeah I remember.” He then suggested for us to hang out. I was shocked and surprised, because he would always wait for me to ask. I then followed by saying, “When you have the time and date, thats when we’ll hang out.” Sometimes, your past experiences…makes you a lil bit stronger and wiser in dealing with bullshit people like Ben. Hes a great guy…just not the type that would make me happy relationship wise. 

– – – A S I A N P E R S U A S I O N

My first boyfriend that I really considered, Ken, was my treasured trophy piece. The year was coming to an end in 2004, but along with it I was getting to know Ken. He was your typical asian, rice rocket, chinese guy. Spiky hair, chinky eyes, medium built, smoked, and smelled like curve (the reason why I was so attracted to him), driving an RSX (is that what it is? haha). When I started talking to him, it was nothing…he was hard to get to know just because he wasn’t really “out”. Yet he was feeling me. My friend Jamie and I took at trip at his work in SF cause I wanted to see him for the first time. It was soooo cute cause I was hiding behind different isles, grabbing a peak at Ken at the counter. He would look at me like wtf is your deal. That was the first time I saw him and I was right off the bat “sprung”. Soon after, he came down to Mt. View to pick me up for a movie. Oh, I was just really getting the hang of meeting guys and how to act around them, so I was very much inexperienced. We sat next to each other at the theaters, but I couldn’t help stare at him avoiding the movie at all cost. I then said some cheesy line for me to grab his hand. -_- ugh lol (I hekka don’t try to do that shit no more lol). It was just a real nice feeling that I had never felt before…We then were at the parking lot…and well lets just say we got caught -_- LOL. =] it was a good caught though LOL. Thats when I asked him to be my bf. haha (Oh man when was the last time I asked someone to be my bf…oh man…geez) 

Now, I met his friend and she was tight…he was a bit older than me and definitely, I was a square bear when next to him…I just idolized him cause he was the first guy I believed too good to be true for me. I remember, I would drive all the way to SF (a snuck out to drive the car) and see him. It was raining one time and well I went to see him at his house. He invited me over and well…he was being a lil bitch cause I was on his bed and well he wanted to just watch TV. TYPICAL GUY ATTITUDE! UGH…I was all bitch pay attention to me. LOL. I was playfully arguing with him saying all he cares about is TV and not me. haha ugh sooo drama mama. Anyway, we cuddled and basically watched the rain pour down on the window. It was one of the ONLY moments in my life where I felt it was real romantic and movie like. I was like damnnn this is it =] I like this guy a lot.

Unfortunately, there came a time where I felt like he was totally different on the phone than in person. I kind of was a psycho back then in that I was challenging his affection towards me basing it on phone interaction vs in person. A valid argument, but eh. I ended up once again going to SF late at night, thats what I would do when we would get into a fight, I’d drive 45 mins just to see his ass. I was upset that night…I sat him down. Told him…if you want me to stay, I’ll stay, if you want to break up let me know. He had this look like he wasn’t having any of this. He told me, “You should know I don’t like talking about this stuff,” I looked at him like how else are we supposed to make things work or better if we don’t talk, “I just don’t like talking about my feelings.” as he finished his sentenced. I then asked again, do you want to break up with me? Cause at that time I was ready for it. He responded…no. 

Three days later, I felt like I was doing better. I wasn’t worrying about our relationship or nothing. I was doing fine. I also hadn’t talked to him since the day we talked. I called him and I happily asked what he was up to. He said stuff and just thinking. When he said thinking, I asked about what. He then responded…”I think we’re better off as friends.” UGHHH my heart broke in two…HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT? YOU SAID THREE DAYS AGO that you wanted to stay with me. He wasn’t even trying to work it out with me either…that was the worst part…he just gave up…I was like…ughhhh. On the phone I kept my cool…and then hung up…I was upset…totally upset. 

Fast Forward…SF then became a place where I dreaded to go. Memories of him every time I went to the city…I remember I would just drive up to his place and sit outside…wondering…wtf…stalkerish? Yeah…When I got to college freshman year, we ended up talking again…We spent a night where we watched a movie…it was nice…we caught up…but in the end…it led to nothing…

A few months ago, I saw him after 3 years…I was shocked…he looked so different. He had baggy eyes…and look like he was on crack or something…I was like WTF??? I said to myself, “WOW I had you at my prime.” lol…it was interesting…awkward hellos and goodbyes…thats all…I found him on myspace and messaged him if he wanted to hang out, but he never responded back. 

Last week…I saw him twice…I pretended I didn’t see him…and he did the same…its so weird…we had a great thing…and he just threw it away…and even being friends…we wouldn’t do it…=/

September 28, 2008

I’m better

I feel like I understand a lil better and a lil more about how I feel. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I guess all I needed was answers and I got them. Emotionally drained from everything, I think I’m fine. I just need to take a few days to gather myself since I’m in pieces, but I’m sure I’m able to put myself back in no time. 

I love pow wows. They’re a great way to just do the damn thing. FUCK…I feel a lot better. 

I swear, I surprise myself with how much patience I have and how mediocre my expectations are. REAL talk…

❤ u =]…oh I don’t assume I’m flirting when I do that =]  I do it to everyone haha =]

– – – – –

On a different note, I met Joey Diamond personally. Awww he’s definitely not the person I thought he was. HES hekka nice. I like him. FUN guy and very polite. FOREAL. Definitely not the person I thought he was. Sorry Joey for all the drama that went down =/ fuck real talk, people are fucking “ghetto”. 

I love my mom and my sister. My mom gave me hella stirling earrings, necklace, and ring when I went home today. FOREAL though, I love my mom. I got her flowers cause she wasn’t feeling good and a card =] hehe. I’m a great son. I fucking love my mom =] hugs

I had fun at the NORCal picnic =] hella fun! REAL mother fucking talk.

September 26, 2008

And You Are?

September 25, 2008

You sure was

I am on my DAY 3 hype and I’m doing a lot A LOT better. I’m glad I’m able to just pick myself like I did within these couple of days. I just realized the kind of WORTH I am to myself.

With the wise words of Vincent, know your worth – strive to get someone whos worth your time and whos at least good looking as you are. 

TRUE! But he also said, I think you don’t go for top notch cause you feel like you’re not worth it – or fear of rejection. 

TRUE! But I dunno…its weird…I seen my first ex on campus during practice. He locked eyes and for a second it was just me and him…then I turned my head as if I didn’t see him…he was smoking as usual. I saw him walk away, but I also saw him turn back right when I was looking at him. I quickly pretended not to see him. WHY DID I DO THAT? I could have waved…I dunno…hes mean. lol =/ mmm interesting though…Then I get a call from my recent ex and he was asking me if I was going to fuz and I was like NO! wth…and like he was trying to find a conversation to start with me and I had nothing to give him. It goes to show that I really am hard to get to know/read when I want to be.

Oh I dunno what this blog is about but…sigh…I’m still single! haha

September 22, 2008

Moments you wish you could re-live

September 22, 2008

An on going lesson

I’ve been well you know, not the best lately. Due to recent events, I’ve just been a hot mess. To add, I’ve just been not keeping up with my studies. Luckily for me, the semester has just begun. I’m confident that I’ll be able to get out of this “mess”. I’m confident that I’ll be able to make it through this semester, but its just right now…right now feels like an eternity. When I look at the kick off of my semester, I look at how hard it has been unlike any other. Financially, emotionally, and physically draining. Life isn’t a piece of cake, its more like a piece of shit. It piles up, the problems…the worries…the feeling of defeat. But I guess thats how life is, it brings you down when you’ve reached the top to keep yourself on your toes. To keep yourself grounded. Sometimes you gotta get your bubble popped. 

Work has just been a place for me to ponder about my thoughts and filter my emotions. At times, I loose myself in fantasy while at work and get into my own zone. What if, this and that, thoughts just accumulate and depending, it could be good or bad. I remember when I was in it too deep with the guy I liked in the summer, I was a hot mess feeling so sad at work and couldn’t function. It was all bad. Today, I was thinking about this guy who I could have had, he was about 26 or so. He was established, had a nice car, I believe his own house, and he was trying to get at me but I wasn’t having any of it cause I decided immature stupid boys were my fancy. When I look back at it…I was stupid not to go for it. He was attractive, had a great job, and possibly could have taken real good care of me. A few months later…I find that hes with someone else. DUMB DUMB! Missed opportunities are the worse, especially when you know you coulda gotten it. 

On a different note, I feel asleep REAL bad at church today. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I hardly heard what the priest was saying during his homely. =/ It got to the point where I had to leave church because I didn’t want to be disrespectful. I guess being tired + depression = not being able to function correctly. Is it the season? What is it!? I find that every fall semester a character from my past comes back. Recently that was the case. I was like…wow…wth…I haven’t talked to you in like 2 years. Weird. Or there would be instances where they come in and say hello and goodbye. Those are the worst. 

Unfortunately, I am once again procrastinating on a paper for my design class. You’d think I’d be on this design business, but I’m more whatever about it…sigh… especially since the paper is about me. Who likes writing about themselves? Honestly. Sigh…I’ll cut it here..

OH thanks for those who have been commenting…I just wish I could hit you all back, mmm maybe I’ll start commenting back on the bogs. Shrugs who knows. But thanks =] I love the feedback. 

September 20, 2008

Exceptionally changed

Isn’t it funny how we make exceptions for the ones who we like, love, want? You’re whole way of living/life is altered to just accommodate for that one person. Why do we do it? Because we like, love, want that persons attention. We need it and wouldn’t mind making any alters in our schedule for them. Even the basis of our morals and values are compromised at times. However, there are folk who really want us. Who want our attention. Who actually want to get to know us, love us, like us…but we don’t give them the time of day nor care for them as much as we care for that one person we’re trying to pursue. 

Even if they say the meanest things, do the rudest things, act a fool towards you – that doesn’t matter. But like I said, if it was any other person, we probably would drop them with a quickness. 

The fact of the matter is these exceptions or accommodations we make hurt us in the end. We never learn from the mistakes that we end up making because of this midset…sometimes…its so built into us…that we can’t change back. 

– – – 

I don’t know whats going on in my head right now. I don’t feel, again, motivated to do anything. I want to rot and just lay in bed to not worry or do anything. I just want to sit in my room…and just stay there…no interactions with the world…nothing. I’m fearing myself more and more each day…real talk…I’m fearing that I’m getting too soft…opening up too quick…being the Joaquin I use to be. I don’t understand it…I don’t get why I’m letting these folks just take over the way I feel. TAKE MY OWN ADVICE AND LISTEN TO WHAT I TELL OTHERS JOAQUIN: DON’T EVER LET A MAN GET THE BEST OF YOU! But tell me why tears build up in my eyes and emotions just build inside waiting to be poured out.

I’m a fucking gem! I’m a fucking dime! I’m a fuckingggg treasure to find. YET, no ones uncovering this treasure…no one cares to – and if they do…they’re not the one I’m looking for to uncover me. REAL talk….I sound picky…but I rather be picky and know what I want, instead of continuously investing my time on folks who in the end turn out to be a waste of my time. Again…Exceptions…

I’m a fucking mess right now. I feel like I did a few months ago…where my days were bummed…Where I couldn’t lift my head up high…SIGH…I’ve been getting back into that emo stage. Is it because I really do know what I want this time and when I find it and don’t get it…it hurts? Is that the reasoning? WHAT THE HELL!? 

Pieces me of me! PIECES OF ME!

September 18, 2008

UPDATE 9/18

I love promoting shit! lol. If you don’t know what SPAM is, its Showcasing Pilipino Artists and Muscians presented by PACE (Pilipino American Collegiate Endeavor). The line up is dope. For yal who don’t know Philtered Soul, you are definitely missing out. Also, fans of MissCarolineXoXo, watch out April will also be there performing at SPAM. And yes, I too will be there, Mr. ilikejoaquin! So get your will call today! =] Its that simple. Check out their myspace at myspace.com/sfsupace.

Trust me, you wont want to miss it!

Also, have you heard of a thing called…FRIENDSHIP GAMES? If you haven’t you should ask about it! Check out http://sfsufg.wordpress.com for more information on Friendship Games. Get involved and meet new folks. I and the rest of the SF State crew will be heading down to FG on Oct 25. If you will be around the area of Fullerton and are a college student, I definitely suggest you attending this event! FOREAL, its gonna be awesome. Plus you get to meet me 😀 any fans out there wanna meet me? haha go to FG.

Speaking of FG. BakitWhy.com will be there promoting BakitWhy. Please stay tuned for upcoming events and the newly redesigned website coming shortly. Its going to be a bangin year for BakitWhy and we want you to be a part of it. Exclusive interviews, media, and articles in just clicks away. Stop by BakitWhy.com to see whats good. Bakit? Just go check it out.

So this blog is gonna be a lil fun and a lil emo…but I’ll start with the fun. So yesterday I was walking downtown with Vince and Lena and suddenly I literally get stopped on the streets by these three girls. They go, “Hey are you ilikejoaquin? OMG I watch your videos!” haha I was so shocked that I was flustered in what to say next. I didn’t even chat with them because I was so flustered and I didn’t want Vince and Lena to be waiting on me, but I did get their names and shook their hands…though I really am bad with names…BUT! haha HI if you’re reading this. SHOUT OUTS TO YOU! haha awww you three were fun. I said to myself…is this how misscaroline feels? hahaha nice.

Then I had FG Roll Call practice 😀 OoOo weee I had hella fun! I’m so surprised with the way I handled roll call this time around…its easier for me to pick up on moves now…unlike before. I’m so proud of myself haha. I snap and work ladies! shoot HAHAHA. But yeah, I just want to take this time to just really talk about my friends who are dancers.

This goes to FJD and SF Modern (you know who you are). Its crazy cause right off the bat, some of the folks in it today weren’t in it before and some who were aren’t it in now, but regardless the growth I’ve seen and maturity in the dance level that was performed last night was truly exceptional. I was amazed and astonished with the precision and the accuracy of the moves. Dazzled and delighted. They truly are my inspiration. Its like, when my friends dance, you can see that they are in the zone and that this thing “dancing” makes them feel like nothing else in the world matters and for a matter of hours they are at peace. I love and look up to these folks. Heart, soul, mann they’re my ABDC. Ya dig? shoot.

Now on a very different note. I am actually in MV for the day and missing my viet class because I had to see my mom. My phone has been disconnected for a good week and I really didn’t mind it, but that fact of the phone call I made last night to my mom made all the difference in why I needed to have a phone at all times. So my mom calls me last week and leaves a message saying she needed to talk to me. I brushed it off since I felt like it was nothing, but I was going to call her. The next day I decide to call but my phone was already disconnected. I call her yesterday and find that my mom was taking to the emergency room (something common that she does), but this time she said that the reason why she called me that one time was because she felt like she was dying and she wanted to leave me her last words. WTF!?!?!?!?!?! right…ughhh I was so upset last night ughhh…=/ like real talk…I just cant imagine to think that it could have been the last thing I heard from my mom on my voicemail…like wtf…SIGH…so I’m here…but shes at work…man poor thing…I really don’t want her to work cause shes hella old. And I told her when I saw her today, why are you working…she goes…if I don’t we’re doomed (in tagalog its like worse) I was like ugh…sigh…so I’m here until like 10 just to keep her company kinda thing…but man…I swear…this week ughhh…=/ My advice…live each moment as if it was your last…and spend every moment with the people you love.

This is another reason why I’m erked about the state budget cause I really need that aid…UGH…however, I wanna thank JP foreal…thanks!

September 16, 2008

Still on my budget hype

I found this comment very true after reading an update on Californias budget on SF Chronicle

In any other job, if you miss your deadline, you are either severely penalized or fired. These people repeatedly missed their deadline, why haven’t they been fired? Have we become so accustomed to the ineptitude of government that we just brush this off as, “oh well, that’s just how government works?” Demand that these people are removed from office and ban them from ever running again. They have proved, repeatedly, that they are not fit to work for the people of California if they can’t meet a deadline. As public servants, they need to be held to a higher standard than anyone else. It’s time for a referendum that will set a high work performance standard of legislators and other high profile government positions. If the top layer is inept and inefficient then everyone working under them are too. Government should be the most efficient machine because they are held accountable to the people. They are the servants of the people. They were not elected king to do whatever they please.
9/16/2008 7:21 AM PDT
Shittt…80 days and California still doesn’t have a budget…fuck this…I still don’t have my fin. aid. FUCKKKKK
September 16, 2008

bloggin like i used to

So I found some shit! lol hahah wtf? hahaha old blogs are fucking crazyyy. I motherfucking don’t write like this no more! LOL WTF I miss my old self! lol

 

“the trick is to fool everyone who sees. and if the trick is successful. then its magic.” -j.ar

boy you thought u figured me out.
all inside and out.
thought you could fool me on the spot.
but let me tell you its gotta stop.

you got tricks up your sleeves.
keep playin these games with me.
telling me one thing when its another.
dont know where your at.
youve been busy with another?
 
i cant trust my heart anymore.
cause its been blinded by fools like you.
i cant trust my instincts anymore
cause they been fucked up too many times too.
and its been hurting me inside, but i keep letting it slide.
letting another day go by.
letting my heart slowly die.
and its breaking.
breaking.

its fucked up how you keep me waiting
patiently waiting for your call
waiting to hear your voice
instead
i hear nothing at all
its fucked up how you got me wrapped around your finger
i cant escape or breathe
its as though your trying to sufficate me
and it makes me just wanna leave
its fucked up how you keep lying to me
telling me you miss me
when you keep slippin
saying a different name
cause youve been creepin

is this what its come to?
cant even tell me straight to my face
i gotta find it on my own?
find out that this was a big mistake
and i cant believe i was lying to myself
trying to stay in this relationship.
i shoulda left you alone
long time ago
i shoulda left you

 

summerloving

it comes without permission. it takes over. it rearranges ones life to fit theirs. its tempting, its decitful, it hurts, and feels good all at the same time. summerloving has a name and sometimes it doesn’t. summerloving gives a lot and takes back the same amount. no one really understands, but for a moment…for a moment…

it feels like the real thing.

its hard to say why i act and feel the way i do. to some extent its because i feel the need for attention and affection. i like feeling and hearing the things i dont get so often. and if by many, even better. even if its by flirting, the emotions i grab fills in what ive been lacking…its insecurities and impossible desires that get into my head. its irrational actions and irresponsibilty that gets me in trouble. the trouble with love is. it gets me every time. maybe i break under romance…anything that deals with it…breaks me…its amazing…what summerlove can bring…a shit load of opportunities right in front of me…but a matter of decision making left in my hands…forgive me if im greedy…but affection to me is all the same…but affection from a specific individual is different. im torn…im unsure…i dont understand why im always placed in this perdicament…and why its always within this season…summerloving…*rolls eyes*…breaks my heart into more than makes it whole…

i never understood why im always at the wrong place and time and miss my chance at love…

September 14, 2008

A bunch of rambles

OOPS. My bad for using “nigga” in my recent video. There is no excuse for me to use it. Honestly there isn’t. I just have been used to saying it around folks and stuff. I’m aware of the consequences of using it and what not, but yeah I guess thats one of the words that just need to get out of my vocabulary. Don’t get me wrong, its not like I use it like in every sentence…usually only when I’m mad. haha ughh this is such a taboo topic to talk about. But overall, my bad and didn’t mean to offend nobody 😛 and I will do my best to take that word out of my vocabulary. 

Anyway, I hate being caught in a “drama” and I just don’t get it why lil drama. end…I’ll write about this later…:P

September 14, 2008

Pages

I think I’m going to start compiling all the wonderful messages I get on youtube to remind myself that I’m not alone and that this “romance of a movie dream” I have for myself…does happen. Its cute cause its like AWWWW see it does happen 😀 hehe…I’ve been so out of it lately cause recently I’ve just been fantasizing about…that romance…shrugs…=P blahhh =( I’m sad again. lol

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