Posts tagged ‘hurt’

July 23, 2009

iljb#39: Tea is for girls and for the gay

I am still feeling a little peeved with tonight’s comment from my friends younger brother at the dinner table. My friends and I were drinking tea and the lil brother comments, “Why you drinking tea? Tea is for girls!” I was astonished and replied, “Everyone drinks tea, the President drinks tea!” The lil brother continued with saying something along the lines of, “Tea is for gay people.” I then threw my hands in the air and started to get irritated. Some of my friends did say not to say things like that and defended me by correcting the lil brother. However, I still felt uneasy. My friends and I decided to go to our friends room and it was then when I told my friend, “Hey you better watch out in how your brother is growing up.” But the message seemed to just bounce off in the room not being heard. I continued to jokingly say he’s not even listening to me, but it was only because I wanted to really correct the issue. I continued to tell my friend(s) that its important that he talks to his brother cause its not right, but to me I felt like it wasn’t really taken seriously – or I felt like I wasn’t really being respected by my friends. I then made a comment, “This is why its hard being a gay person.” And here I am right now blogging in the room while my friends watch a movie. I don’t want to dampen the night, so thats why I’m just letting it slide, but it is bothering me. I held the tears from shedding…

This proves my point in my recent GAY videos. This is why I speak so passionately about the word gay or just the fact of how its used. This is what many gay folks have to deal with on a daily basis, sometimes we’re left not knowing what to say or do because it’s not our place – especially if its someone’s little brother. It concerns me you know? The fact that this kid thinks that tea is for girls ONLY and that tea is for gay folks, oh he goes to a Christian school. Where is this kid getting all this? My friend defended himself by saying he didn’t learn that from me. So where? Where does he get this type of a idea that he can say this?

If you ask me, there are so many factors in how kids formulate their view on the world and people. For one, I think the way a person molds themselves is by their family. Whatever your family values are, you end up following and believe. However, when we grow up we question them. Another is where we are educated. School really does teach us what we should know in the eyes of the teachers who we respect. Again, as we grow older, we question what we are taught. Lastly, I think we are also molded by our friends and people who we interact with. They are mer reflections of us.

I guess…sigh…I’m just hurt right now because it makes me realize the little struggles gay folks have to deal with. Straight people don’t need to always defend their orientation or feel attacked for loving who they love. Straight people don’t have to always feel inclined to speak on or correcting someone because they hear something ignorant said about their orientation. IT IS JUST FRUSTRATING.

I’ll continue my rant later. I’m just ughed right now. =P

November 2, 2008

RANTS

I’ll spend a few mins just typing out my thoughts, since thats the only way I get through stuff now a days…in my thoughts. Its crazy how theres so much information in my brain that it can create me not to function correctly cause theres so much clutter in there. Well heres my house cleaning.

Thank you Erwin for keeping up with my life and letting me know wassup. I haven’t gotten to text you back or nothing just cause I suck at getting back at people, but just know I really appreciate it. My thanks also go out to Kellz, Justin, and not so important. Thanks for leaving your love and feedback. ❤ They do help. 

My life right now…mmm how can I sum it up…unstable. There…cause I still feel like I don’t have a grasp of my life even after Friendship Games. I feel like I’m moving…my body is…but theres nothing in me thats really functioning. Its as if I’m a hallow body moving through life. Nothing too exciting has happened in my life, just bad luck on my end. When I got back from Friendship Games I found that I lost my debit card. A few days later I went to celebrate Ryans 21st and D&Bs and I lost my phone for an hour at that damn place. Luckily I was able to find it. Then a few days ago at work, these folks came in to give me a GRAND prize of going to vegas for only 50 dollars with some other free stuff included, but because I didn’t have my debit card, they couldn’t give it to me. Instead they gave me a 200 dollar pizza hut coupon thing. When I left work, the FREE pizza coupon was lost…-_- ugh…Bad luck has just been getting the best of me lately…especially since I’m feeling sick now! FACK! You can’t help but wonder why things happen the way they do especially when you’re just trying to live LIFE!. Maybe its because I haven’t been going to church since that time I went to church and the priest was spreading PROP 8 to the congregation. -_-. Weird thing is…FAMILY is doing good right now. I feel like I’m much more comfortable with family right now than all other things, which is different because usually its the other way around. Friends are alright too, but I feel things could be better.

I’m really glad that I have friends that I can call my own and if I feel like I need anything, they’re there to help me. But sometimes, I feel like some of my friends are only here when I need favors. Like theres a missing element that has been bugging me. A few months ago I felt like my friends and I were on top of the world…but now it seems like we’re in two different worlds. I don’t think many of them see it…well the particular individuals that I’m talking about…but it sucks to realize that currently…they’re not there in your life when you need them, but only a selected few. And meeting half way is the only thing I can do. “Hey are you okay?” or “Whats been going on whats up.” When I get closed ended answers…I can’t do much with that. I just feel like sometimes…I’m left wondering…why the hell do I call you my friend. (And if you think this section is about you, then maybe it is). I went through some shit these past few months and its crazy how I was able to deal with the shit I had to…without you. Now that sounds weird for me to say because I would think my closest friends would want to know, or want to HELP, or what to just be there at my lowest low. I guess whats bugging me is that when I needed “you”…you weren’t there to pick me up when I fall. We act like we’re strangers…-_- ugh

On a different note, my living situation is…well has bugged me for a lil bit. I swear, aren’t we all adults? Living in an adult world? If thats the case, why do I feel like I’m baby sitting? For me the biggest issue I have are dishes. I mean real talk, if you’re gonna use a dish, wash a dish. Or at least clean it and leave it in the sink so folks can reclean it. Cause it sucks when dishes are left out for like 5 days and the shit left on the dishes become hard to get off. I just can’t believe it…things are so elementary when it comes to cleaning to me, but for some of my roommates, its hard to comprehend. Like real talk, own up to your shit. THERE AIN’T NO FUCKING MAID THAT LIVES WITH US! However, I take on that responsibility myself because I surely can’t live in a pig stye. Now a days, I only clean when I know it is getting out of control. It sucks because I fucking set up things for people to do. Like TRASH. I take it out and put it out so folks can just take it…but no…no one feels like its their responsibility to take it. It sucks because I see folks be playing video games, watching tv, on the internet surfing…but they can’t take 5 mins out of their life to CLEAN. REAL talk, it took me fucking an hr to clean up the apartment one time because everyone failed to do their cleaning job…the next day…EVERYTHING was trashed again. LIKE foreal? Where is the respect in that? Did yal parents raise you right? Or did they raise you to where you have people clean after you? I had a cleaning list up for this apartment, but I took it down cause I felt like it was disrespectful for me to have one, taking my time to make it, and no one follows through. Like real talk, folks would kill to have a cleaning list, but folks take this shit for granted. And as a result…my apartment right now doesn’t know what to do…what to clean…cause they don’t know who is next on the cleaning list…but wait…that doesn’t mean you STOP FUCKING CLEANING THE APARTMENT! Like real talk…its so elementary. I’m waiting for someone to tell me, “hey Jar, can you please put the cleaning list up.” because I would put it back up because it shows folks really need it or want it back. Because theres a lack of NEED for one…fuck it…Its soo dumb…I work at jamba and clean dishes…and then I have to come back home and clean more dishes. Hella disrespectful. I spend hella time in the kitchen just cleaning after these pigs. I don’t fucking get it…like don’t you feel embarrassed? Don’t you feel any guilt that one of your roommates is taking on cleaning for 5 other people? Thats fucking wrong. Fuck…if you got fucking time to CHILL, you got fucking time to clean up your shit…and I’m embarrassed cause our friends come over hella times and for them to come in and be all “whats that smell” or “do you want me to help you clean” is sad…real talk…This apartment right now sucks…sorry

I don’t fucking know where I’m going with my academics. I feel like I’m in the middle of succeeding and failing…more so failing…I feel like I’m not up to par on where I should be with my major or everything else. I’m half asses everything. And I feel like I don’t know why that is. WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE THE FUCK is my motivation? Its gone…completely gone…it sucks because by now, I would have been a little more motivated to do shit…but it sucks because real talk…I want to give up on school…I’m learning…but not taking anything in…I fucking suck at life right now…I feel like the things that surround me are fucking me up…FUCKING ME UP…I don’t know…I feel like I don’t deserve to be in a state school…a fucking state school…I feel like I should just quit and just get a job at burger king. FUCK it….I’m fucking tired…-_- ugh…

Relationships…fuck…I feel like its not a priority…but I feel like it something that I’m craving for at the same time. I don’t know…I just feel like it sucks to see couples around holding and kissing each other…ESPECIALLY during this fucking holiday season. I fucking hate it…ugh…I don’t know…I’m searching when I shouldn’t be. I’m slowly getting over things…and I’m glad…because I can actually breathe without you suffocating me…I’m a wreck…I feel like one…I’m slowly realizing a factor to why I’m single. I start something…and I feel like I can’t commit…I have BIG commitment issues…and its rare for me to commit in something…I feel like thats the cause of why I’m still single…fuck where is that guy who will be like on ma jock, want to get to know me, say cute humorous things, do cute humorous things, just do the fucking damn thing to impress me. WHY the fuck I gotta do all the work, nig…I’ve been there done that…fuck I just gotta sit back now…fuckk…

SIGH…I’ma cut it right here, theres too much emotions and too little time to be wasted on this blog…real mother fucking talk…ugh…FUCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Is this seasonal depression…or is this stress…or just a combination of both…cause if its both…oh fuck…

Greetings from the BakitWhy Team.
Believe it or not, BakitWhy will be in San Francisco on Saturday, November 15, 2008 for BakitWhy’s NorCal Mixer!

As a big “thank you”, we’ll be coming together as one Pilipino-American community by bringing the audiences of the entire Northern California area together at this exciting community mixer!

Date & Time:
Saturday, November 15, 2008
5pm – 10pm

Location:
BakitWhy NorCal Mixer
Bayanihan Community Center
1010 Mission Street, Suite B
San Francisco, CA 94103

With Special performances by:

MissCarolinexoxo
Kayla

Also at this event we will be having FREE FOOD and more!

Please spread the word, BakitWhy will be in SF on November 15, all are welcome!


See you all there soon!

September 13, 2008

It hurts knowing…

That you weren’t the person that they wanted. You weren’t the one that fit the picture. You weren’t the one that caught their attention. I guess for me, I just sunk into a minor depression state. Its 3am and I was surfing through dl…the worst thing I could be doing right now. I then decided to search for “him”…the worst feeling came back when I found him. The pictures say it all…hes happy. He’s happy that he’s with him instead of with you. He’s happy because hes got a solider next to him. I knew it wouldn’t work out, but I guess the thought that it could…and the fact that I was led to think that…just aches. Man…it would’ve been nice…=/ real talk.

relationships aren’t coming anytime soon…

the day that I say, “hes perfect” is the day that I’ll find peace with myself…sigh….