iljb#48: …and its a good one.

I begin to relax and I let my mind settle for a min and let myself breathe. I breathe because I am alive, I breathe because I can, I breathe because it is just exactly what I need to do right now. And no, its not that kind of “I’m stressed out” kind of breathing exercise, but rather that breath that we all take for granted…and yes its a good one.

I completely have been overloaded with responsibilities, school work, work, and the ever changing lifestyle I commit to. Its exciting, yet so tiring at the same time. I remind myself that I can handle it because I know I can. I just got to make sure everything is on point and that I ain’t slacking. This Monday, I am making sure I am taking care of business, so that tomorrow I can just recover and tie up any loose ends…ya feel me?

I feel good about life right now. I know that even though recently this past week, I’ve had major bumps in the road, that the over all picture is still in tact and I ain’t trippin. I live life the way I want it to be, not the way I fear it to be. So before I get on with life today, I thought it would be nice to reflect on the wonderful day I had yesterday.

I had a wonderful time with a guy that I had never met before until yesterday. I was excited, scared, but over all over joyed that yesterday happened. How did all this begin? Well…with a simple text from me saying, “Oh I forgot you were on my phone list…hello”. He replied, “Oh so what are you doing tonight?” and I continued on texting, “Hanging out with you remember!” haha. I tried to be cute…and well it worked, he then went on saying, “How about Sunday?” A play date as he put it. Ever since that day, which was about a week ago, we’ve been texting each other every day just about our day and what not.

Now I went into this with no intention of getting with him or messing around. It was an honest “play date” and I really wanted to meet him. Since the bridge was in construction, he still took bart to see me. I find that really sweet =]. So before I picked him up, I light weight got nervous…I couldn’t believe I was meeting HIM. haha I mean he seems pretty popular on DL or whatever, but shrugs, thats my bad for even going there. I pulled up…and there he was. The first thing I catch is his beautiful smile and a wave saying hi. I tried to act cool, but inside I knew I was dying because he was definitely cute like his picture.

We drove down 19th and we were caught in traffic. I was irritate with the fact that there was traffic on a Sunday, but it gave room to get to know HIM. He told me later on that he was nervous and shaking, but I couldn’t tell really because I too was nervous and avoiding eye contact. However, when I did catch a glimpse of him, I couldn’t help but melt a little. haha. Again, no intention of doing stuff with him…just a simple hang out that I had in store.

We finally got to Kitaro sushi and luckily he’s never been there. He actually hasn’t been around SF he explained, which got me excited because I knew the spots I was taking him would be appreciated. I learned a lot about him and how hes not out yet…well to his family. I found it so interesting how 2-3 years ago he was straight…then became gay. haha he is that type of person that can be both and you wouldn’t expect it. He ate pretty fast while I just ate my udon, which by the way was bleh. I had to pee and while I was in the bathroom Celine Dion was working a song. I stayed in the bathroom for a little longer because I was getting it! haha.

We then went to our next destination. I jokingly asked him where we should go next and he replied with a shrug and said it was my job to plan it. I then said, “Where is the folder you said you’d bring.” haha. It was cute. I finally reviled to him that we were headed to Japantown. He exclaimed a big YAY afterwards. haha. Luckily he had been to Japantown before, he ended up giving me a guide of Japantown like I’ve never had before. I was then the giddy one. We walked into a lot of cute shops, I was stoked because I love Japanese novelty and what not. So cute! We then stopped at this car/automatic store where I decided to buy a car freshener (which by the way smells so good right now in my car lol). I was pleased with the buy. We then headed up to go get a crepe at Sophie’s Crepe. I had never ever had a crepe until yesterday…and inside I was giddy because I was able to enjoy the experience with him. I got a crepe chocolate with banana and some ice creme. YUM. I wish I had taken a picture of it =p boo. Like he did at Kitaro, he gulped the crepe right down, while I was still trying to figure out how to maneuver around it.

After we got done, we decided to drink sake. haha it wouldn’t have been a complete Japantown trip now would it? So we sat down at this quaint lil restaurant and drank. I got to learn more about him as the sake moment progressed. 21 questions and then some was the game. I found it cute that we both ended up being buzzed. haha. We walked out kind of dizzy…at least I was…and I couldn’t help but smile and think…damn he’s so cute! HAHA luckily I wasn’t an ass and blurted out, “HEY YOU’RE SO FRIGGIN HOT!” hahahahahha. That would have killed our kick it. haha. We headed down to a bookstore to just check out what they had, then found ourselves in the anime section. I separated from him and found myself looking at the Magna Carta book…I was so amazed because I love Magna Carta! Ahh the women in there are so hot. I want to draw like that one day. Soon after, he joined me for a lil bit and we exited to head to PikaPika.

By this time, I wasn’t too buzzed anymore, just excited about PikaPika. Its so crazy what Japanese people think of when it comes to photobooths haha. I loved it. My first time PikaPika’in. At first, it was a lil awkward cause I felt like it was a “couple thing” to do, but I got over it and went with it. I’m looking at the pictures right now and it is definitely ADORABLE. =] He has the best face LOL AHHHHH =].

After getting that over and done with, we got into the car and headed to our last destination. I couldn’t help but smile at him a lot cause he was definitely making it a great kick it. So we got there and the sun was setting. It was cute. We walked down this area near the Cliff House. When we got there it was breath taking the ocean, the view, everything was perfect. I told him that once we stopped he needed to ask me questions. haha

We ended up at this rock/muscle rock area thing. And stood as the waves crashed on the rocks and foamed the sand. Thats when I reminded him to ask questions. It started off with silly questions, then got to, “What’s your favorite part of the day.” and I replied…right now…he then nodded and agreed. Then…we’d catch each other smiling at each other and what not…continuing to ask questions. I then had the nerve to finally ask, “Can I get a hug.” cause I really wanted one. He then said yea. It was so romantic…the beach, the view, the gust of wind lol. He then surprised me with, “Can I get a kiss.” AHHHHHHH LMAO o – m – g. I didn’t even expect it to go there. FUCKKKK LMAO haha I then kissed him and I completely melted like a glacier! LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH he has the softest LIPS in the WORLD! I was like that is not a lip…that is like a babies butt LMAO it was sooo ahhh yum. I then asked, “Can I get another.” AHHHHHH it was so cute! I had never felt so good about a ending kick it turned date in my whole entire life. It was totally movie status. AHHHHH. He then asked, “What are you doing next weekend…can I see you again?” AHHHHHHHHHHHH that just did it for me. FUCK! haha. I felt like I had won a million bucks…I couldn’t help but smile.

The then “Kick it” had now turned into a date unexpectedly. It slowly dawned on us that it was getting colder and darker…so we headed back. Along the way, we’d stop and continue kissing each other. =] IT WAS CUTE! The hike however back was not crackin! OH hell to the mother fucking no. lol. I felt like an old man…literally…and it didn’t help I was walking next to Mr. FIT haha.

When we got to the car…I confessed to him that the reason why I texted him that one time is because I wanted to get to know him more…he replied with, “I’m glad you did.” It just felt good. It felt nice. And for a day…I felt like nothing else existed. He also mentioned he’s never had someone kiss his hand before like I did. I found that elementary to do…but I guess it made me feel good that I was the first to do it to him =]

The night ended with a lot of kissing and just the feel good memories we shared that day. I dropped him off and drove away hella cheesing. I slept real easy last night…aside from being tired lol.

It was sweet and amazing. =] For what it was…and whatever it might be…I’m grateful for the experience.

I did mention in earlier blogs that its good to be single…however, when you least expect it…moments like these occur. =] …and its a good one! =]

iljb#47: Rushing…

I feel like today was rushed to get to where I am today. I had work, did laundry, organized my life in between, and now awaiting my family to come and swoop me for dinner. I didn’t even eat all day because I’m waiting for dinner. (So bad). In any case, this rush is good. I feel this urge to make my first weeks the jump off of my whole year. It has just begun and I am already busy! I can’t hardly breathe haha. I’ve also been excited to do my hw – which is a first because I never ever feel excited to do hw. I just haven’t gotten a chance to peep at it because I have been lagging 2-4 hrs behind on schedule. But I’ll get there folks…it just takes time HA how ironic right?

I feel good today because I was able to pay off my best buy debt. Something I’ve been meaning to do for the last 2 years. I can’t believe it. I am stoked. I paid for it. Now I just hope my credit will be fine so I can actually get a REAL credit card. shoot. haha in addition, I was able to go to the dentist. =] Now all I need to do is get contacts and sign up for GRE. I am way more than enough money to handle myself this semester. I feel good because for the first time in awhile, I feel stable. I think its in part to the secret. DAMN secret really does work. =] I am grateful every day I wake up.

First thing I do when I wake up is acknowledge what I am grateful for and just thank everything for happening. I really do think this is why I have been so lucky these past weeks. I am so grateful for everything. Life, school, friends, family, my future ahead! I have been given this chance to make it big and I know I will be able to achieve anything if I just put my mind to it. IT is going to be a busy semester, but I know I am able to handle my own.

I work so damn hard to get where I am right now. It feels good to be where I am right now because with all the bad experiences I’ve had in the past year, all seem to be nothing but dust off my shoulder. I can lift my head up high and know that taking a risk, doing my best, and giving it my all is all that matters. Even when I’m down, I know theres a reason to be grateful. I do have those times, like recently, where I wish I had this and that, but I know that I am way blessed to have the things I have right now.

Because of faith, because of me, because of God – He is able to work his wonders through me. Could I have asked for a better birthday present? ha no.

On a side note.

Today at work I saw Jeff and his bf Anthony. It made me reminisce how I had a chance with Jeff, but couldn’t hang cause he obviously was not doing well in school. I tried no doubt, but it was just too complicated (haha a few months later he got with his current bf). Anthony, I’ve never really seen or met until recently. Never talked to him or whatever. But today just seeing Jeff and him – ugh made me jealous – like the fuck? YOU GUYS ARE HOT together haha. However, I reminded myself I hold my own pretty well and they aren’t at my level and I ain’t on theirs. Its all those could have, would have, man I wish I had…moments. He looked me straight in the eye to ask for water and I said to myself – damn you are grown – I remember you being so…lol I dunno even Ricardo and Ezra. The hell!?!?! haha I never really talked to Ricardo…and well Ezra haha. Its crazy how I will never understand their lifestyle, friendships, drama, or whatever because for me I know when I need to get the fuck out cause I ain’t having any of that. It made me say to myself, my man is coming. After all these great things happening to me, I know that he is coming too. 😛

I don’t need to hope…cause I know. What a rush right?

I am in a point in my life where if you ain’t on point I will leave. I am in a point in my life where school is definitely a priority as well as my career. I am in a point in my life where I feel great about everything =] Things are doing great for me. I am doing fine.

mmmm I think I’m just overwhelmed haha

iljb#45: The IDEAL Guy: “STORY TIME”

The guy on the left is my boyfriend…er what I want my boyfriend to look like. haha. So its crazy how I stumbled upon this video. I was listening to “Little Bit” by this guy and later on clicked on his other videos and saw his brother. I wanted to see what his brother looked like without glasses…and low and behold, I found my IDEAL guy.

I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t gay, but he does have features that remind me of every other typical gay Pilipino. haha which is good because he looks like the type of guy I’d get with =] RAWR. Anyway, I have been having this picture of this guy I want in my head now for the last couple of weeks and well I got his personality, background, and everything down, but his face…FINALLY today I stumbled on his face =] hehe.

So my ideal Guy? Well, I’m excited haha I’ve been meaning to blog about it for dayssss! Here we go! (BTW, I will be describing this guy as though I have already met the guy and know him =] thats what “THE SECRET” tells me to do haha)

So this guy and I met somewhere around SF … er around the bay area at a party/club/event something. I saw him and he saw me. I kind of just looked away but would catch a glimpse of him looking back at me. I thought it was fun because where ever I was, I was having a boring time, so he excited me. He didn’t look gay to me so I didn’t think much of it. But I did continue to glance at him whenever I could and I would see him do the same which made me giggle. The night is drawing to close and he actually comes closer to me and bumps me on accident – he or I drop something – and we both bend down to pick whatever we dropped up – it was definitely like the movies LOL – He then held whatever he dropped in his hand as he lightly wrapped his hand around mine. We both get a glimpse of each others eyes and for a moment it seemed like he and I were the only two people in the room.

He then apologizes and continues his way. I look back and smile. So my friends and I are about to leave and well I see him again taking another glance at me while he takes a sip of whatever he’s drinking as he casually continues to talk to his friends. He dresses nice thats for sure. That night I couldn’t help but think about him and how cute he was…didn’t even bother to ask his name…then again I thought he was straight haha.

So, the week goes on and I slowly forget that guy…I’m looking through facebook or something and there he is…just randomly THERE. haha I check his profile, but its private. So I say fuck it nm. haha but it does make my day. A few days later…I log on again and pop a message from that guy. He writes something cheesy along the lines of, “Hey you were at that lame party right?” haha he gets me to chuckle. however I message back saying, “yeah that was me”…I leave it pretty much short and sweet. He then replies with a smart ass remark like, “Deng like that?” I couldn’t help but laugh so I replied to him apologizing and asking him what was up. He replies saying, I caught his attention or whatnot. After reading that, I started to get red and giggle a lot. He continues asking if we could meet up for coffee or something. I then agree.

So the day that we meet up, he is looking FINE. I mean crisp and on point. This guy does dress to impress…When I see him I shake his hand, but the first thing that catches my attention is his scent – his cologne. I blank for a second and he gives me a weird look like “are you okay?” We then get coffee or whatever the hell we do decide to do. We sit down and he explains why he was at that party or event. I can’t help but attentively listen to what he has to say…he’s cute when he talks. His lips are to die for and his eyes are just A-MAZ-ZANGGGG hahahahahahahahahahahah. BTW, his name is so unique and very interesting. I like. I then share why I was there too…You can tell he’s a listener cause he is nodding and making eye contact…this makes me nervous cause I never had someone do that in awhile.

I look at the clock and time just has flown by…I ask if he wants to take it somewhere else and he then agrees. I’m not sure where we go, but it somewhere nice with people walking around. We continue talking and I then ask him THE question, “So…are you.” He then stops and looks at me. I then start to apologize, but he interrupts by saying something cute like, “Why do you think I asked you to go get something with me.” I mean this guy got swag and this guy got me going hard. We’re walking and its such a nice day, one of those rare warm days in the bay. He then asks me more questions that are somewhat deep. I answer and I ask him similar questions.

Time is definitely passing by and I start to look at my clock or whatever. He notices and ask if I need to be somewhere and I reply with no. He then makes some kind of joke. The thing about this guy is, he’s easy to talk to and I don’t have to ask much. He doesn’t talk about totally random stuff or FILLERS to just make the conversation flow, but he just talks as if we already have been friends for awhile. We then part ways and thank each other for a wonderful night/day. We told each other we’d call or text or something.

After that, I just couldn’t get over the fact that this guy…THIS guy was actually talking to me. lol I was definitely enamored. I didn’t want to look or act desperate so I waited for his text or call. Days went by and nothing. I kind of got sad. However, just at the right time, he calls me and asks if we could hang out again soon. I started to smile on the phone and well we set up another “date”.

What I realized about this guy, hes very charming and sweet. I mean really sweet. The type of guy you would bring home to mom. He’s Pilipino, but he doesn’t really know much about his heritage. This date, I decide to school him on some information about Pilipinos in the bay area. He is excited and really takes everything in. What I also like about him is he truly knows how to listen and pay attention. He asks a lot of questions and just assures me that he does like what I’m talking about. He is very family oriented from the conversation we have. He has siblings and hes the oldest. He’s about 23-26 btw. He works and he tells me how he got his job, which is pretty impressive. He has already graduated from some college, which makes me more motivated to continue to seek higher education. He’s out to his friends and his family, they actually support him a lot in whatever he does…just as long as he provides for the family.

He definitely enjoys basketball and singing. He explains a little basketball when we hang out. I look at him with a confused look. He then tells me that he and I will go shoot some hoops. He also light weight serenades me with his favorite song. Which surprises me cause its not your typical song. He is medium built. He explains that he loves to run and work out. I too chime in with liking to run too. We both laugh and say the cliche “We have a lot in common aye?” He explains his past very light weight – he has a lot of trust issues and thats because a lot of people have been shaddy to him including family. So when it comes to trust he says its a must and its important. We some how talk about relationships and he explains he’s not looking for one in particular right now and I nod my head, kind of sad, but he then comes back with, “But I don’t mind this right here!” HE IS A FUCKING TALKER! AWWWWWWWWWW lol.

But thats pretty much the end of date two. haha the rest is history right? hehe

Well…=] theres my guy and I’m lucky to call him mine =] hehe.

iljb#35: ilike QUOTES by me! :D

My PASSION is my DRIVE that will get me to my DESTINATION to my FUTURE. Believe in yourself and the world will come to you!

I care about my happiness so thats what I’m going to do tomorrow, take care of my happiness.

My future is unstoppable only if I believe it to be! I am a force to be reckoned with!

I live for my future, I live for my family and friends, I live to make change, I live this struggle because I can handle it.

You can escape only for so long. But you’ll end up having to face your reality.

I continue to wonder what I’ve left behind. But I’m not holding on to baggage thats not mine. All I know is the broken can be fixed.

I live the exceptional lifestyle, feels good.

People with integrity do what they say they are going to do. Others have excuses.

Life is possible when your dreams are alive and real.

Nothing is impossible, unless you make it.

Knowing you worth is half the battle.

I’d give you my advice, but its better if you took your own.

We all live by the rules of love, but we forget that there weren’t any rules to begin with.

You’re the music that keeps me on my feet.

They can talk all they want, but thats all they do – talk.

I can’t own your actions.

The journey is priceless.

If you’ve experienced the worst, expect to come out of it better than you were in it.

You’ve made me cry because you meant that much to me.

If it doesn’t work a third time, it will never work.

Its easy to move on because the situation seems all to familiar.

I look back and wonder what I could have done differently.

Money does make me happy.

Complicated Context

– – – U P N D O W N

Three years ago, I met a guy named Ben through Open House. It was funny too cause it was so unexpected. Someone told me to talk to him to let him know how to get to SFSU since he was coming for our open house. After I got off the phone with him, the person who let me talk to him (his cousin) tells me he’s gay. I was like WTF??? FOREAL. haha He ended up coming with his other coordinator and me and my other colleague met them at our office. When I saw him, my mouth dropped. *GASP* hes sooooo cute! But really? HES GAY? NO FUCKING WAY! I sat across from him, TRYING to pay attention at the subject matter. We ended the night and said our goodbyes. I talked to my colleague after discussing his appeal to the both of us. We laughed it off, but I was determined to talk to him. The roller coaster ride of events that followed after was full of excitement and heartbreak. When we started talking on aim it stepped it up a notch in getting to know each other. I would feel more inclined to go to other folks events knowing that he’d be there. There was a time however, where my colleague was jealous of my friendship with him and told my core some stupid excuse in why we shouldn’t go support their event – the reason being that I wanted to just see Ben. -_- LAME! Childish acts like that erked me with my colleague resulting in animosity between us when we brought up Ben. 

Ben and I would have conversations of interests. Flirt. Do things that would make your body rush with excitement. For instance, when we shook hands, he would tickle the bottom of my palm. haha the first time he did that, I was like…WTF? -_- Oh did I mention, at the time he recently just came out…or was in transition -_-. We would talk sometimes on the phone, but he would leave me with more questions. Left uncertainty after conversations were done. It got to the point where I was real sprung off of him. YES? NO? He kept me close, when all I wanted was to escape. But ain’t that what happens…you wanna leave, but you don’t because you know it a temporary high. 

On and off, we would talk. But then I found out…he had a boyfriend -_- a boyfriend in which I was also working with currently at the time at his school…AWKKWARD. Which left me pissed and confused. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? His answer…I never got around to…-_- OOOOO-K. So this obviously made me not want to talk to him, which was the case in the end. But later on…it didn’t work out with his boyfriend…he then came back in my life…with my stupid ass letting him in once again. But AGAIN…it was an off and on basis with Ben. When he wanted to talk…-_- 

Fast forward…a year later…we’ve grown up and well moved on, but there was still a piece of me that still would give him that attention and time. We met at Fresh in Berkeley to just meet him after awhile of not seeing each other. My feelings came back for him. He was beautiful! REALLY though. My friends meet him too. He would give me looks without any words to accompany those looks, leaving me to try and decipher them after. We then would text each other after we went our separate ways, but it would always end up with us being frustrated and what not. 

I remember the final push for Ben, mind you we haven’t kissed or anything yet, only flirted. I was in the area…and well drunk…and I wanted to see him. He said he was down, but he was with a bunch of his roommates…I didn’t mind…I was cool just hanging out with him…Long story short…we ended up kissing…but when it was actually happening, the thoughts of “this is not what I expected” and “what are you doing Joaquin?” I was drunk and making out with him – definitely not the romantic setting nor place that I imagined. He ended up passing out, leaving me to think next to him…in disgust…-_- I was hurt again…So that for me was the last real encounter I had with him. 

He never understood why I was mad or hurt by him. He would say sorry, but he didn’t understand the reason for the apology. He would try to again gain my attention, but I had enough of it. Two years I felt wasted…I then deleted him off of myspace and eventually facebook. He would try and add me again and again, but I would refuse. My way of getting someone out of my life slowly…

Yesterday, he imed me…saying he missed me. Three years later…things are definitely not the same and I’m able to talk to him without any emotions attached. We lightweight reminisced about the things that I discussed earlier, and all we could do was respond with “lol” or “oh yeah I remember.” He then suggested for us to hang out. I was shocked and surprised, because he would always wait for me to ask. I then followed by saying, “When you have the time and date, thats when we’ll hang out.” Sometimes, your past experiences…makes you a lil bit stronger and wiser in dealing with bullshit people like Ben. Hes a great guy…just not the type that would make me happy relationship wise. 

– – – A S I A N P E R S U A S I O N

My first boyfriend that I really considered, Ken, was my treasured trophy piece. The year was coming to an end in 2004, but along with it I was getting to know Ken. He was your typical asian, rice rocket, chinese guy. Spiky hair, chinky eyes, medium built, smoked, and smelled like curve (the reason why I was so attracted to him), driving an RSX (is that what it is? haha). When I started talking to him, it was nothing…he was hard to get to know just because he wasn’t really “out”. Yet he was feeling me. My friend Jamie and I took at trip at his work in SF cause I wanted to see him for the first time. It was soooo cute cause I was hiding behind different isles, grabbing a peak at Ken at the counter. He would look at me like wtf is your deal. That was the first time I saw him and I was right off the bat “sprung”. Soon after, he came down to Mt. View to pick me up for a movie. Oh, I was just really getting the hang of meeting guys and how to act around them, so I was very much inexperienced. We sat next to each other at the theaters, but I couldn’t help stare at him avoiding the movie at all cost. I then said some cheesy line for me to grab his hand. -_- ugh lol (I hekka don’t try to do that shit no more lol). It was just a real nice feeling that I had never felt before…We then were at the parking lot…and well lets just say we got caught -_- LOL. =] it was a good caught though LOL. Thats when I asked him to be my bf. haha (Oh man when was the last time I asked someone to be my bf…oh man…geez) 

Now, I met his friend and she was tight…he was a bit older than me and definitely, I was a square bear when next to him…I just idolized him cause he was the first guy I believed too good to be true for me. I remember, I would drive all the way to SF (a snuck out to drive the car) and see him. It was raining one time and well I went to see him at his house. He invited me over and well…he was being a lil bitch cause I was on his bed and well he wanted to just watch TV. TYPICAL GUY ATTITUDE! UGH…I was all bitch pay attention to me. LOL. I was playfully arguing with him saying all he cares about is TV and not me. haha ugh sooo drama mama. Anyway, we cuddled and basically watched the rain pour down on the window. It was one of the ONLY moments in my life where I felt it was real romantic and movie like. I was like damnnn this is it =] I like this guy a lot.

Unfortunately, there came a time where I felt like he was totally different on the phone than in person. I kind of was a psycho back then in that I was challenging his affection towards me basing it on phone interaction vs in person. A valid argument, but eh. I ended up once again going to SF late at night, thats what I would do when we would get into a fight, I’d drive 45 mins just to see his ass. I was upset that night…I sat him down. Told him…if you want me to stay, I’ll stay, if you want to break up let me know. He had this look like he wasn’t having any of this. He told me, “You should know I don’t like talking about this stuff,” I looked at him like how else are we supposed to make things work or better if we don’t talk, “I just don’t like talking about my feelings.” as he finished his sentenced. I then asked again, do you want to break up with me? Cause at that time I was ready for it. He responded…no. 

Three days later, I felt like I was doing better. I wasn’t worrying about our relationship or nothing. I was doing fine. I also hadn’t talked to him since the day we talked. I called him and I happily asked what he was up to. He said stuff and just thinking. When he said thinking, I asked about what. He then responded…”I think we’re better off as friends.” UGHHH my heart broke in two…HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT? YOU SAID THREE DAYS AGO that you wanted to stay with me. He wasn’t even trying to work it out with me either…that was the worst part…he just gave up…I was like…ughhhh. On the phone I kept my cool…and then hung up…I was upset…totally upset. 

Fast Forward…SF then became a place where I dreaded to go. Memories of him every time I went to the city…I remember I would just drive up to his place and sit outside…wondering…wtf…stalkerish? Yeah…When I got to college freshman year, we ended up talking again…We spent a night where we watched a movie…it was nice…we caught up…but in the end…it led to nothing…

A few months ago, I saw him after 3 years…I was shocked…he looked so different. He had baggy eyes…and look like he was on crack or something…I was like WTF??? I said to myself, “WOW I had you at my prime.” lol…it was interesting…awkward hellos and goodbyes…thats all…I found him on myspace and messaged him if he wanted to hang out, but he never responded back. 

Last week…I saw him twice…I pretended I didn’t see him…and he did the same…its so weird…we had a great thing…and he just threw it away…and even being friends…we wouldn’t do it…=/

UPDATE 9/18

I love promoting shit! lol. If you don’t know what SPAM is, its Showcasing Pilipino Artists and Muscians presented by PACE (Pilipino American Collegiate Endeavor). The line up is dope. For yal who don’t know Philtered Soul, you are definitely missing out. Also, fans of MissCarolineXoXo, watch out April will also be there performing at SPAM. And yes, I too will be there, Mr. ilikejoaquin! So get your will call today! =] Its that simple. Check out their myspace at myspace.com/sfsupace.

Trust me, you wont want to miss it!

Also, have you heard of a thing called…FRIENDSHIP GAMES? If you haven’t you should ask about it! Check out http://sfsufg.wordpress.com for more information on Friendship Games. Get involved and meet new folks. I and the rest of the SF State crew will be heading down to FG on Oct 25. If you will be around the area of Fullerton and are a college student, I definitely suggest you attending this event! FOREAL, its gonna be awesome. Plus you get to meet me 😀 any fans out there wanna meet me? haha go to FG.

Speaking of FG. BakitWhy.com will be there promoting BakitWhy. Please stay tuned for upcoming events and the newly redesigned website coming shortly. Its going to be a bangin year for BakitWhy and we want you to be a part of it. Exclusive interviews, media, and articles in just clicks away. Stop by BakitWhy.com to see whats good. Bakit? Just go check it out.

So this blog is gonna be a lil fun and a lil emo…but I’ll start with the fun. So yesterday I was walking downtown with Vince and Lena and suddenly I literally get stopped on the streets by these three girls. They go, “Hey are you ilikejoaquin? OMG I watch your videos!” haha I was so shocked that I was flustered in what to say next. I didn’t even chat with them because I was so flustered and I didn’t want Vince and Lena to be waiting on me, but I did get their names and shook their hands…though I really am bad with names…BUT! haha HI if you’re reading this. SHOUT OUTS TO YOU! haha awww you three were fun. I said to myself…is this how misscaroline feels? hahaha nice.

Then I had FG Roll Call practice 😀 OoOo weee I had hella fun! I’m so surprised with the way I handled roll call this time around…its easier for me to pick up on moves now…unlike before. I’m so proud of myself haha. I snap and work ladies! shoot HAHAHA. But yeah, I just want to take this time to just really talk about my friends who are dancers.

This goes to FJD and SF Modern (you know who you are). Its crazy cause right off the bat, some of the folks in it today weren’t in it before and some who were aren’t it in now, but regardless the growth I’ve seen and maturity in the dance level that was performed last night was truly exceptional. I was amazed and astonished with the precision and the accuracy of the moves. Dazzled and delighted. They truly are my inspiration. Its like, when my friends dance, you can see that they are in the zone and that this thing “dancing” makes them feel like nothing else in the world matters and for a matter of hours they are at peace. I love and look up to these folks. Heart, soul, mann they’re my ABDC. Ya dig? shoot.

Now on a very different note. I am actually in MV for the day and missing my viet class because I had to see my mom. My phone has been disconnected for a good week and I really didn’t mind it, but that fact of the phone call I made last night to my mom made all the difference in why I needed to have a phone at all times. So my mom calls me last week and leaves a message saying she needed to talk to me. I brushed it off since I felt like it was nothing, but I was going to call her. The next day I decide to call but my phone was already disconnected. I call her yesterday and find that my mom was taking to the emergency room (something common that she does), but this time she said that the reason why she called me that one time was because she felt like she was dying and she wanted to leave me her last words. WTF!?!?!?!?!?! right…ughhh I was so upset last night ughhh…=/ like real talk…I just cant imagine to think that it could have been the last thing I heard from my mom on my voicemail…like wtf…SIGH…so I’m here…but shes at work…man poor thing…I really don’t want her to work cause shes hella old. And I told her when I saw her today, why are you working…she goes…if I don’t we’re doomed (in tagalog its like worse) I was like ugh…sigh…so I’m here until like 10 just to keep her company kinda thing…but man…I swear…this week ughhh…=/ My advice…live each moment as if it was your last…and spend every moment with the people you love.

This is another reason why I’m erked about the state budget cause I really need that aid…UGH…however, I wanna thank JP foreal…thanks!

cute guys

I’m a sucker for cute guys. TOTAL sucker. But I will be reminded by what Jay told me yesterday, “Maybe you should focus on school first”. Thought I’d just brush what he said off, but honestly it has been on my mind lately. UGH, but thats another story. What this entry is about is what gets me all crazy about cute guys. 

Where to start? MMMM

The face. I’m a sucker for clear, cute, faced guys. If they have a line up of some sort, I go crazy. If they have chinky eyes even better! Crispy brown complexion =] yum. Physically, I like them medium built. Not too skinny and not to frumpy haha. I like guys who wear fitted hats. Gets me all the time. I like a guy who smiles a lot. SOOO much that is hurts me to see their face. I like a guy who takes care of their nails. Hate long nails. I’m a sucker for guys who have nice calves and arms. LINE UPSSS. I’m not so much an ab guy…but its cool haha. FACE value is what really gets me. Guys who have deep voices or a really soothing voice is always a plus. LOVE IT! Makes me go crazy. A guy who is the SWEETEST most darnest thing you ever met. Polite and courteous gets me.  I LOVE PILIPINO GAY BOYS WITH CUTE SMILES AND CUTE FUCKINGGGGGGG PERSONALITY!

haha oh man…number one though…SCENT! You can be butt ugly and have the bombest scent that I’d still go crazy HAAHA. 

sigh…I think the point of this entry is to show how crazy I can get…I hate going to malls esp at serremonte cause I see the guys I want! hahaha…UGH EVERY GUY NEEDS TO BE GAY ALREADY! hahahahahahahah fucking shit…blah =( 

I’m sad because I really do need to focus on school and get my mind out of the day dream I live in daily. hahaha 

I told Jeremy and JP, “You know you’re cute and made it if a guy guy thinks you are!” 

PS. My guilty pleasures are black guys LOL hahahahahahahaahha