Archive for January, 2011

January 31, 2011

GRV is more like YUMMEE


I just peed in my pants bc it was soooo good ;D ahhh

January 31, 2011

iljb#154: MOVING right along…

You know that phrase, “Well moving right along…” Well I decided I need to implement the same thing in my life. I need to stop having tendencies to which I just wait for “IT” to come to me. Whatever “IT” may be, I find myself sometimes waiting for “IT” to happen. Well you know what…I’m tried of that and definitely FEBRUARY will mark me moving right along. I am sick and tired of having this kinda passivity in my life right now. I NEED TO MAKE THINGS HAPPEN for February. I will start tomorrow. I’ve been slowly making it a point to lift my weights that I used to lift, soon, I’ll be doing push ups, then crunches, then back to running! 😀 I’ve done it before, but I’m really going to make it a point to lose 20 pounds. EFF this chubby bunny status.

Its taking time…it really is…ROME wasn’t built in a day…and this new series on youtube, my life, everything else is definitely not going to come easy on a platter…me even adding youtube into my life amazes me – my dedication to continue to give what I can to my roomies amazes me haha.

BUT I am hopeful that FEB will definitely bring more strength and positive energy that I’ve been lacking. I need to move right along. TIRED OF THIS BS that I be getting from guys, friends, work, just everything…I gotta take control of the situation once more. DO BE, BE ME, BE WHO I AM AT THE BEST THAT I CAN BE.

January 31, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


I enjoy a little exercise here and there, but everytime I get into my car? UGH this is dumb. I decided to do a short video about my frustration and embarrassment. haha. Its kinda funny / kinda not haha.

January 30, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


I’m super excited about the GAY SERIES this time around…in particular this segment. I think I’m going to keep it short just to keep yal in suspense. lol even though its not hella cray cray, but it makes you want to know more. ;D haha So I hope yal enjoy

January 30, 2011

iljb#153: Too Fun SO Fun


I’ve just started to play Miguel’s album for this lovely Sunday morning. Its a really good album, no joke. (BIGGGG SIGH) What a night huh? haha I was sluttin it around with hella girl, esp my adings. HAHAH I love it cause they’re funny…I’m funny when I’m on one. AWWW Bryan hella took me out and I didn’t even get to hang out with as much just because I kept loosing him and he doesn’t know my friends and I don’t know his, so it was so awkward haha. BUT I did make it a point to give him attention, so I tried to do my best, but I couldn’t help but go back to my adings because they kept pulling me back to them. AHAHAH too funny =]. I enjoyed my 3rd day of my first weekend! AHHH, yesterday I got to spend time with my family down in embarcadero at Butterly. It was good and a nice view of the bay…well it woulda been nicer if it wasn’t foggy. BOO! But yeah I enjoyed my time with my family and I really feel like …we can all have a conversation with one another and I’m included. I dunno just because I never felt I could talk to them, but I was able to talk to my brothers about jobs, phones, and everything in between. It was nice. Yesterday was nice too cause lol I went shopping. LOL ughh…I spent a shit load yesterday…but its all good, I deserve it…its my way of saying you did the fucking thing this month in getting hired, efff it…go enjoy your money! ;D haha SAVING will be Feb, foreal foreal =]. Anyway, Ima enjoy the rest of my WONDERFUL sunday. =] Have a goooood one to whoever reads this. haha.

January 29, 2011

iljb#152: So what you know about that club?

It was super nice to finally have my first weekend since 2005. A REAL weekend in which I don’t have work. THANK GOD! 🙂 I now have a full time job of which now I am permanent! AHHHHH I worked my ass off to get here and I can final reap the benefits and so to begin I went out with the roomies last night 😉

I have not said ROOMIES in a long time, I guess its taken me this long to accept that its time to let go of what was and move forward with what is. Take this time to enjoy the moments with my roomies esp. Eric. I’m glad we’re slowly talking and slowly hanging out…oh Virgos. Thank you drunk nights that begin everything ;). I saw JP last night too and to be honest I couldn’t help but let go of what was and just enjoy his presence. Of course its not gonna be ALL good right away, but if anything that was GOOD last night happened, that was def. one of them. I haven’t talked to him for over a year and half? Something like that. So it was nice and if you happen to read this UPDATE JP, I’ll be waiting for that tweet. 😉

Other than that, I was not AS drunk as I wanted to be, buzzed yeah, but I was too aware of what was going on with GAY people around me and couples and blah blah blah…I couldn’t help but revert to emo mode…I was looking at the cute guys (hahaha looking at blurred cute guys cause I didn’t have my glasses) and I couldn’t help but ask myself…when am I gonna have fun again…when am I gonna stop feeling like this. Maybe I’m not used to clubs as much, esp. straight ones, but I’m goning to Minna tonight so we’ll see how that goes. 😉 – NEW OUTFIT PAAALEASE! haha.

Anyway…I gotta go…maybe write more later.

Last night was the beginning and end of a few things. Good end to Jan.

January 27, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


The GAY SERIES are back, hope you all stay tuned. Its gonna be a good one 😉


Florida reps piss me off UGH! I was like UGHHH.


I figured what better way to come back by doing “THE PERFECT GUY 2011” video. haha I enjoyed it, hope you all do too.


The new series that I promised my roomies! I decided to do more videos for 2011…so lets begin :D.

January 25, 2011

iljb#151: If I’m sad – LET ME BE SAD!

Today I was let go in my other job, the deli. It was unexpected and I was really sad soon after. I’ve been there for over a year and some months and I know I’ve complained about being tired, but I didn’t think me “quiting” would come so soon. I’m sad because I love that job. I really liked the people who I worked with. I spent a lot of time there. I worked my ass off for a year being there. This was the job that saved my ass from really breaking down during hard times. Sorry, but if I’m gonna be sad about this – I’m gonna be sad about this.

I HATE THE FACT THAT FOLKS ARE TO QUICK TO TELL ME TO MOVE ON SO QUICK – when honestly I’m not ready to move on. I haven’t really sunk it all in yet. It just happened a few hours ago…I still don’t know what the hell happened…

UGHH…I don’t need you to say anything. I just need a shoulder to cry on…

January 18, 2011

i miss writing


you’re fun ;D

January 18, 2011

iljb#150: EPIC RELEASE

Before I reign in my new idea for my youtube, I decided I was going to prep before I do. I’ve been meaning to change a couple of things and be consistent with what I do on my channel. I still haven’t really had the time to sit down and plan it but my idea is that M TH S would be my video posts, Wed would be for wordpress and T Sun would just be free for me to just rest. Maybe Sun could be reply back Sunday lol. I dunno.

I know I really want to integrate my wordpress into it and also twitter…maybe Twitter Tuesdays? I dunno. But I’m glad I made the decision to debut stuff on the 24th. I was pleased with my mini trailer I made. It was so EPIC haha. But really, I want to start doing videos like I used to, esp. my gay series that I have neglected. I’ve done at least 30 gay series things…I wanna make an effort in really doing more. Also, replying back to my subscribers. I got this lady on FB msg me, thanking me for my videos that helped her. I am so blessed and fortunate to get these folks who msg me and take their time to msg me. I just feel really bad that I don’t get a chance to reply as soon as I’d like.

Shit thats what I need an assistant LOL. I want to like recruit my roomies to be an assistant. I think it could work too. 😀 haha. But it needs to be a roomie that I trust =P cause you know how that is lol. I really want to meet my roomies to or chat with them face to face. I do better with face to face rather than see their sn or something. I dunno…we’ll see…

I’ve been overworking myself…I did like 11hrs today and in a few hours I’ll be back doing another 10 -_____-. This is my weekly life 10hrs at work lol…fuck…it really is busy at work though =P womp…

SIGH…I got to do some videos today that I will hopefully edit soon, all of em happen to do with the GAY series…its nice =]. I wanna just relax…I don’t wanna get sick 😛 womp.

My car has been acting up…but nevertheless I’m grateful to even have a car =].

Oh and I totally enjoy this guy

January 16, 2011

iljb#144: After the rain…

Its been raining for a couple of weeks now and its only yesterday that the sun came out to play. I’m looking outside my window and I think the sun will be staying for a few more days. Funny how it does that…you’re freezing one minute then hot and bothered the next. This upcoming week is going to be great. I’m starting off right too by taking this personal day off from my hectic schedule. I guess I have to do “me time” every once and awhile, I mean if I don’t I’m going to be a hermit crab who’s really cranky all the time…then again I find myself like that to begin with haha. Since last night, I’ve began my “me time” in which I just do me. I tried to do a video, but I seriously failed at doing one. Maybe today will be better for a video. I have about like 7 videos that I haven’t posted because I’m too lazy to edit and I find myself just rambling. lol.

But I enjoyed my night last night because I actually fell asleep while watching finding nemo. Why is this a surprise, because I usually am not that tired and it felt nice to be that tired while falling asleep to a good movie. I woke up this morning and finished the movie – I ended up tearing up because it was a bitter sweet ending to Finding Nemo. Also, I was thinking about how I want to be a dad so bad and I probably would be like that to my kid. This was around 8:30sh…it is now 11am and I have yet gotten ready for the day. I’m supposed to go do laundry and hang out with family today. Pretty chill…Then the day ends with pretty little liars of sorts…and then sleep to wake up to another week of work. I can’t believe January is almost done…boy doesn’t it feel like the new year is just speeding by.

For me, I find life speeding by because I don’t ever have a break to just enjoy it like today. Its so rare. I even told my coworker yesterday that I’m about to quit this deli job, but she said hang on because its gonna close anyway…so I’m like torn…but shes right…I gotta hang on. I’m really fortunate to be where I am and I know I’m reminded of that each day I wake up. I have a wonderful life, with good people around, with a great job to support me. I guess after watching my cousins video, it reminded me that I shouldn’t be putting myself out there in the dating scene just yet…I mean I need to really be single single…which I haven’t done. But ain’t that always the case…I say this speech “I should be single” then find myself crushing on someone and being in a dating scene.

I guess you can’t help that, you know…it just happens. I think I’m coo off relationships right now because I rather live through other peoples relationships through movies/music videos/songs because at least I wont personally get hurt, but I can definitely feel happy for them and have a wishful thinking mindset.

I remember when I wrote a blog about my ideal guy…I think I might have to do that again…I couldn’t help but remind myself of my love – Danny the other day…I mean he really is so much a part of my year in 2010…I spent a lot of time with him and I feel all of that is just missing…I’ll get over it…I just can’t believe I am really that FUCKED that I can’t get over it. Then again I was thinking about Andy and Jimmy too…*rolls eyes* Those looks can kill, but they definitely don’t compliment where I am in my life.

WHERE am I in life? After the rain? I think its safe to say that the sunny weather and week ahead is a good foreshadowing of where I am in life…I’m ready to move on…move forward. Look at my future as one to cherish, love, enjoy. I have one life to live and I can’t spend it wasting away thinking about Danny – though I wonder what the hell he is thinking…how he is…if hes dating…ha…I wouldn’t be surprised…but let it be known for the record…no guy can do what I done for him….welll not someone soon at least LOL haha =]

Anyway…I should get ready for my day…super hungry and I don’t know where my family is -____- womp.

January 9, 2011

iljb#143: I try to say goodbye but I choke…

I’d like to think that all this crying and all this thinking well end up in me being over him. I think yesterday was just what I needed. I don’t usually go out, but I ended up going by myself to the castro for a mini happy hr. It was cool for what it was, couldn’t stay out late because I had work the next day, but for what it was …it was cool. I ended up driving and feeling sad, but okay…while doing a video LOL haha. Amazes me, but honestly…I was just fed up with feeling like I don’t have any answers to what happened to us…so I decided to text me…actually not even, call him…

I called him twice and I got a text back saying, now is not a good time, but maybe next time or some shit. I’m like foreal? This isn’t me wanting to hang out. I just wanted to know what happened to us…why it all fell apart. MY FIRST LOVE. YES, and I have so many reasons why I go back to the subject. Many of my friends will tell me move on, a lot of you who read this will be like hey wtf why are you trippin on this guy…but none of you will ever understand that chemistry we had. I mean seriously, I worked my ass off to be where we were…and I had to be the one that had to go. I mean when I look back at it, I feel like if I didn’t I woulda been eaten up with not doing what I said I was going to do. At that moment(s) I wanted to be authentic with myself…

This past week was just hard in general…and leading up to it was just tiring…I found myself drinking…I found myself in awkward situations…I found myself loosing myself in the moment and wondering what the hell is going on. I told myself that my friends, as much as they want to be there for me, or try to understand…wont understand what it feels like to be gay…to have to be someone you’re not at times…to pretend…to find love…to not be ashamed…These motions just fill my head with thoughts about life and what the first of the month has already brought.

I’ve been wanting to do a youtube video, outreach to those who have messaged me on youtube/email, but honestly I wanna give my 100%, but I can’t right now since I’m dealing with all this…I really think it got to me yesterday when my coworker reminded me about the 6th…our anniversary…(but we were never together…) I started to replay the first date, the first of many things, conversations, talks…it seem to just fade as one disappointment led to another…

I cry when I watch movies because its an easy way for me to let out how I really feel. In love I was…and the heartbreak still remains…I’m trying my best to take my mind off it…and move on…but I feel doing that makes me escape the situation even more…Because I’m so busy…I don’t have time to just let myself grieve about the situation.

I’m okay…I will be…I just gotta get through all this day by day…we’ll start tomorrow.

January 2, 2011

iljb#142: Day 2 of the New Year

I can’t believe we’re just going through the new year like its nothing – well at least I am. This whole reflection about what 2010 means and what 2011 is going to be has just gotten me thinking a lot. My thoughts are busy trying to figure out what if anything, is the meaning of all that has happened to me from this point in my life. Nonetheless, I’m actually content…eh I lie…I’m okay with how life is…and the biggest reason why I am just okay is…I was in love in 2010.

Today at work I felt like I was keeping myself way to busy by just speeding through the day and just being in “work mode”. Work mode for me basically consist of myself not talking and just doing my job without any rest. So thats what I did. I was shocked myself because I haven’t done this in awhile and well …why start today? Well today…I actually got up on time and got to work on time…so that in itself might have been a foreshadowing of sorts…but still…I feel like I was trying to avoid a certain emotion/feeling during work. Then it hit me towards the end of my shift…I’m heart broken because I was in love in 2010.

I’ve never been in love and I guess I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself that I was/am in love. The feeling that I had with Danny was definitely real and it definitely made me feel good. I’ve been with guys that came close to Danny, but he was just it…he was the guy. But the biggest thing that prevented us from sticking it out is that he wasn’t ready to call me his bf, even when I was ready. I mean common sense says, you don’t wait for anyone and common sense definitely means somethings gotta give…so I gave…and let go. Something I’m so used to.

To interject this blog, I want to digress and speak upon a moment at work that kind of disturbed me and that is catching myself say, “Maybe I should focus my attention on women instead of men.” It was quiet amusing in the beginning because I tried and it was a fail off the bat. I even told myself, “The options are bleak…” haha I convinced myself that maybe if I looked at women…I would find myself wanting and being with a woman…yeahh…you go gay, and you can’t turn back that easily. I guess it was my way of just escaping this lonely feeling.

I couldn’t help but keep my eyes wandering at the eye candy at work that pass by. I mean thats what I usually do. I find a guy thats cute and tell myself that he’s the kinda guy I want or thats the kinda guy I wished I dated. Its like movies…but usually most of the guys I see are white…and I find myself saying I want a white dude. lol…there aren’t that many gay men that roll through the airport…and I just find myself wishfully thinking about what might be in the future.

I wish I could talk to my friends about this, however, none of them are in this current situation or have been in a long time and I feel like trying to relate this topic to them could find myself disappointed with what I hear. So I keep it to myself – only certain times do I open up about it…but overall I haven’t really talked about Danny to any of them to the extent that I want to. I feel like its a done topic…however it obviously isn’t done especially when I have so much to blog about.

I honestly wish that my viewers could take a look at how I think for one day and go through the shit that I have to deal with…it amazes me sometimes to find myself pushing through…even though I am so tired…

Speaking about being tired. I also told myself that I am working my ass off in January because I need to help my brother out/family. I am working not for myself, but for my family. Its a wonderful feeling when you get there to know that you can contribute and provide for your family…and they actually count on you to. I don’t know any of my friends family that expect them to do that now…and I wouldn’t wish that upon them. I am just blessed and fortunate that I do have two jobs that help myself and my family out. I used to be so selfish with my money and I used to not give a cent to my family. Which is expected I guess when you start making your own income. But after 2010, things changed and I definitely find my role as a brother/son much bigger than ever. I have a responsibility.

I tell myself, man you are soooo fucking amazing Joaquin because check this. Your a minority within a minority. You’re gay, who happens to have two jobs, who happens to have a degree, who happens to support his family, who happens to have a unbalance social anxiety within himself, and who happens to be single. HAHA I know, I know, it sounds like I’m trying to make myself come off as unique and fucking amazing compared to all those folks in the “scene”, but ….thats exactly what I’m saying HAHA.

It makes me wonder why I end up with guys who are great in the beginning, but turn out to be the guys who don’t have their shit straight. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t perfect, but I’ve worked my ass these 24 years of my life to be where I am. Nothing was ever handed to me. No one ever helped me through college the way most kids had help. I had to find it and work for it. I am just fortunate to have the experiences that I’ve had.

As Vince likes to put it for 2011, “Know your worth.”

He’s right, I need to remind myself each day. But it just sucks when I know myself what I’m worth, but its been proven time after time others don’t see that just yet. With failed attempts at relationships, each one seemed to have the same reason of why it didn’t work out. They weren’t on my level – and even if I tried to get them there – I didn’t want to change them from who they are…

My horoscope told me not to over think things this year…cause sometimes it will get me into more of a mess than I already am…I’m trying…I really am.

I want to be loved like I was in 2010…but with the right guy this time =/. I find myself rebounding to different things for temporary relief, but I find myself back to where I began…

I’m independent and only I really know how to work it out…trust I will…I just need to get all this out before I do…

I’m about to build my dresser…wish me luck =P