Archive for June, 2009

June 29, 2009

iljb#32: I play too much?

“Yeah you play too much…”

Oh fuckkk…why did that comment just make me realize something about me. My bad! FUCK…how old am I? THE FUCK? Why am I acting like that? Shit…I guess its something I gotta learn to tone down…I guess I do it cause its a big defensive mechanism. THE FUCK though. What a fucking awesome defense. -____- I guess thats where I need to draw the line…if someones trying to get to know me…be just real. lol not to say that I’m not, but I do play a lil too much cause I’m afraid of them getting to know me too fast…if that makes any sense?

I guess…? lol

June 27, 2009

iljb#31: Dealing with myself

I guess I was upset that someone called me a “Whore” last night after passing by me and gave me a stare like he knew me! BETCH. You don’t. Its one of Jhordans friends. I don’t give a fuck if you think that anymore, cause honestly I’m 22, thats young, okay. So I’m gonna live my life and have fun. I was so surprised that I was hit on by two guys last night. They had balls to say wassup which was nice because shit, I didn’t think I still had it in me. Then again I was way too drunk and apparently one of the guys said “You looked mean.” LOL I guess. But the fact of the matter is. I gave them the time of day because it was nice for a change that someone was trying to get at me with their swagger! YA feel me? DAMNNNN. It felt good for a change, so for all yal who saw me “make out” with that dude. Honestly, I kept on pushing him away saying “You don’t even know me.” and he kept saying “I’m trying to right?” LOL yeah by making out with me. However much I was drunk, I still had a lil bit control by not letting him kiss me so much. I just kept looking at him like damn, you’re sweet. lol I don’t even recall half of the night, just the random HELLOS. I guess lol FUCK…I really don’t remember. But thats ok. YEAH I’m okay with that. Its just nice getting hit on for a change. I saw all my exes and I tried not to make eye contact, but I did say wassup to Patrick and when I think about it now, the fuck was I doing saying hi? LOL For a long time, I was honestly by myself with some dude or just walking around -____- fucking shit. LOL Then I was talking to Sam last night on the phone and I guess I was giving attitude or what not and he claims he doesn’t understand what happened to us? I’m like alright coo…why the fuck are we talking…I dunno it was weird…the conversation itself. I was just like damn I am way tooo fucked up to be having this. Overall, I didn’t quite enjoy fuz that much, however, it was what it was and it was nice to get hit on, even if they were strangers lol. Nice strangers right? LOL

So I gotta accept the fact that YEAH, I am 22 and I’m young and when the hell am I gonna have this much fun again in my life? And I think thats why I’m so hard on myself because I always have to have logic in things, the fuck right? FUCK that logic for this time of period, I’m just having fun single. YEAH there I said it. phew. I feel a lot better. I don’t care what folks say about it cause frankly they don’t know me and to be honest, I WAS FUCKING DRUNK! lol -____- excuse me. In any case, that was my pride weekend to remember. THE END.

LOL two guys hit on me in one night LOL.

June 26, 2009

iljb#30: Starving.

Is this how poor people feel like? lol. I mean I am starving like no other and no, I mean I am really starving. I can’t believe how far I’m getting by with this week by just eating the food at Jamba Juice. Honestly, that is how I am surviving each day…I am living off of their food. Why? Well I don’t have anymore food in the apt., I don’t have money, I am left with just scrounging some change to help me pay for gas, and a bunch of other shit like rent that is preventing me to buy food. -__- that is why I hope to win that gift card at work… shoot safeway here I COME! lol. I need food…its sad. I even asked my sister today if they can make me food…well after fuz, I will be going home to pick it up. lol. I have an interview tomorrow for Best Buy and I am friggin excited because finally I get to go on an interview for another job! FINALLY, however, this job is in San Bruno…I hekka thought I applied for the Colma one…fuck this…I am hekka gonna waste gas =[ son of a beetch. I need to wake up early today so I can get that gas…Man…this is really bad habit…sleeping this late in the morning. Its because of that damn Sims 3 game. I am kind losing interest in it cause its really taking over my life – lol I have other shit to worry about like this job and earning more money.

I’m not in the pits as much as I was last year…however…I AM still REALLY struggling to pay off shit…FUCK…two more months and I will have fin. aid ONCE AGAIN! lol I’m funny =]. Its hard trying to keep an upbeat spirit when you’re starving and …I wouldn’t say sleep deprived but … you know! shrugs. Off I go…Ryans here. UGH so killing my blog moment -____- lame lol I’ll blog before I go to FUZ.

YES. I am starving as we speak…=[ lol

June 24, 2009

iljb#29: Maybe that was the point…

After a long day of just working, running (which was an epic fail lol), losing my key, going downtown, walking around, catching up, and a bunch of other stuff, I just came to the realization that my life could be worse. I am at this crossroad and I have a path that I can or I can choose to stay right where I am right now. Theres sooo much that I want to express, but I am lost for words to best describe them. However, I did come up with a profound epiphany at work today.

Why do we have to subject ourselves in giving an answer or an explanation of why we love, crush, are depressed over someone? Could it just be we just are? We are sometimes lost for words or even a plain explanation of reasoning. We like reasoning, but sometimes you can’t reason reasons. Sometimes, not all the time, do we encounter such a situation and feel such a strong emotion that it boggles our mind and dumbfounds us that we end up feeling stupid. Its another realization that life can still surprise us even though we’re just used to the same old routine and situation as before. And if you ask me – fuck the system. The “This is how it is and should be” kinda system. Fuck the friends who give advice about how we deal with situations like these, no disrespect to them or anything, but sometimes we just want folks to just hear us out. Fuck the “you don’t even know them that well to be acting like this” kinda feelings. Well shit let me do me and handle it aight cause honestly, you dont need a reason to fall, you fall because you have no reason!

June 21, 2009

iljb#28: “You really made me think about it though”

The aftermath of the party was exciting, but tragic in the end. As much as I believed what I was saying to be true and in my heart at the time to A. it just ended quickly as it did when it started. I’m kind of ashamed because I put myself out there…I took a risk…and this time around I was genuine about it. However, I don’t know how I got to making out with him. lol -____- that I still cannot remember. I remember however, conversations and some stuff I would say…but the whole picture is blurred. I realize that alcohol really has impacted my life in a negative way now…I can’t remember shit! lol I used to be able to remember shit. I kind of regret what I did last night because if I knew the turn out was going to be sour…bleh.

Was he only talking to me because I was drunk and he was sober?

Did he just want to make out with someone and I happen to be that person?

Does he think that all I wanted to do was that and I wasn’t genuine?

I mean…he did say he never got that kind of attention from anyone before and it was nice…however…texting him…I had a nice feeling after I woke up…do you feel the same…wasn’t really reciprocated the way I wanted it to. The reply back? “You really made me think about it though.” Now what the hell does that mean? I left it at that because I didn’t want to continue to embarrass myself more…but damnit! =p I really thought something good would at least come out of it…maybe for starters…a phone conversation? Just to get to know each other when the other person is sober too…I mean…

I’m light weight heartbroken. I mean…I guess its my karma…for wanting to get to know someone…and not being given a chance…it sucks cause I really am honestly interested…damnnnit…

The day started off satisfying which led to an emotional ride of doubts…=[

I am a great guy, I know that I’m trying to change the way I interact with guys…but damnit…-___- I guess my ego was shot down in a polite way…through text…At least he thought about it….

.

.

….

ABOUT WHAT?! UGH!  sigh…

back to the drawing board people! Wrap it up!

June 17, 2009

edit 2.

woke up today feeling like shit on my shoulder

im tired. im hungry. wondering what did i eat last night?

depressed.

dont want to get sick.

im tired of work.

planning.

wha wha.

June 17, 2009

edit.

I just want to cry

I just dont want to be strong

I just want to say fuck my life

I just want to just sit in the corner and rock myself back and forth

I give up on love…like its given up on me

Making me look like a fool….

Like a desperate loser wanting attention…for all the wrong reasons =[

SIGH

June 16, 2009

iljb#27: Why…Why him?

I’m listening to the saddest love songs in the world right now because I feel emo! This emotion comes in and out and I feel it right now. As much as I try to put that smile on my face and try to get on with my life like I should, I can’t help but stop and ask myself why him. Why him? Whose him? Its not a particular anybody. Its just this idea of “him” is not me. It could mean job, it could mean school, or it could just mean plain and simple him.

At work today, I had so much time to just think about my life. I hate situations like that because my mind wanders to all sorts of places. I was telling myself, I am a great guy with a great heart and I don’t need to boast about it what so ever. I do it because I can and am willing. In any situation, work, family, friends, and especially significant others. I know this is the hump that I need to get through, but I need this hump for me to be able to be where I need to be.

I am confident that in time, I will find that someone…and I think I’m doing a good job by not pushing the limit on any guy for that matter…unless I’m drunk lol ugh which I need to stop. However, I think I’ve been good since that revelation I had, one down point, but overall its a work in progress. If life was a class, I think I would be getting an A for effort and for the hard work that I truly put into everything. This past year has just been a test on what it feels like to be at my lowest point in life…which I think will lead me to a progression to my peak.

I hope so…because right now…being lonely is something I hate feeling. I’m used to just having someone…or at least someone to TALK to like that at this time of month. But old habits do die and maturity just steps in.

I’m just a lil emo because of the weather…because I haven’t gotten sleep…because I’m listening to emo songs. lol

I’m ok…I need to get over this hump. Single life…ain’t that bad…=/ I need to remember that.

June 14, 2009

iljb#26: In terms of “fucking up”…I did

As I was surfing through my friends list on facebook, I was caught by an old friend that I used to know…well used to kind of talk to. I see him now only through his updates on facebook because he goes to school down in socal. I’ve seen him once ever since he left and that was when I went to that dance performance in Jan…what was it called…lol Anyway, I thought about the times when we did “talk” and how I really was trying to get him off my jock because he was young…well younger than me. I remember that he was so intensely (is that even a word lol) in “like” with me. When I think about it now, I’m more flattered, because he was/is a great guy. A big plus for him was that he’s a dancer and he’s smart. I guess at the time I was just too concerned that he was in high school as a graduating senior…but now its like FUCK..I fucked up.

It goes along with another guy on facebook which I’ve been knowing since 2005, when I was with my second bf. lol was it bad that I wanted him more than my actually bf? Well … we never really met…we had a close encounter…but that never happened. In the end…I’ve only messsaged and chatted with him from time to time…but as far as getting to know him…nah…in a way I feel that I’m not good enough to be on his level. I KNOW I KNOW…why I gotta be on his level lol. I dunno shrugs…hes a dancer too.

Then theres another one *rolls eyes* lol. We knew each other for quite some time…and decided one cold night to meet up around juan bautista. We walked and talked and sat down talking about how it was odd that we just decided to talk to each other and meet up after I posted my sn on myspace. At the end of the night I took him home and he then went in to kiss me. Softest lips by far! *cries* lol but then…it just went to fast that I never really got to assess the situation. I guess I had more than cold feet with him and never gave him a chance. *shrugs*

Then there’s this other guy who went to Berkeley and who knows my roommate. We used to talk, but we never got to know know each other. I guess I stopped talking to him because I felt like we had nothing in common, but he was super nice to me and was willing to just be there. I guess now since he graduated he’s too caught up with life and moving into a new house. However, he did message me that we should do dinner and he’ll pay. lol. I guess I never gave him the chance either.

Another guy (lol) was from sac and I met him through a party with a couple of folks. He was cool and chill…Real down to earth. But it was complicated and got complicated. It was nice for that time being because I got to know his friends and just play pool with them. But as far as anything else…I never got the chance to try it out with him cause I gave up knowing that it was too complicated…and well it was more of a safety issue…it just makes me sad cause to this day he continues to text me randomly and well we never have anything to talk about anymore…I mean we did at those moments that we were “talking”. shrugs.

Should I even continue? ha. Point is…in terms of fucking up…I did. I guess because I’m too scared to get into another serious relationship, the fact that I’m not sure if I’m ready to be committed, and just a combinations of past experiences that prevent me from being venerable. Sigh…it just makes me sad is all cause thats my problem of why I’m alone…I’m too scared of being committed…and I really don’t know how to get from point a then b to then c.

June 8, 2009

iljb#25: Unmasking…

Since the recent revelation I had with myself a few days ago, I have just been trying to comprehend this epiphany. I guess bad habits are hard to quit. Dwelling on the past sure isn’t healthy either, but I seem to be finding myself in such misery. As I talked to Lena about what’s been going on, she shared her inside on my situation by sharing her outlook on life. She said that in life we wear different masks with the different people that we interact with, however, because we wear so many different masks, how do we know who the real “me” is? She continued on with saying there are three sides to us. The first, is the one that everyone sees. The second, is the one our closest friends and family see. The last, obvious, is the person we rarely let others see.

Lets just say. I have had a lot of thinking to do tonight…

June 6, 2009

iljb#24: The Truth Reveals Itself Sooner or Later

As I continue to watch Gossip Girl, I gain a better and clear understanding of myself. lol Silly as that might sound, I had an epiphany today about me. For one, my friend praised me for being the person I am not. She was so proud that I didn’t continue to go to that path I used to walk. I lowered my head in shame and chuckled. For once, I was faced with the truth about myself. I am not the person I make myself out to be…I am completely the opposite.

The truth is blinding and realizing this tonight was for sure a heartache. I had to turn down an offer…ha. Something that I usually would jump on without hesitation. But how does that temporary feeling show up in my life? How does that make me feel as a person? To that person? I declined the offer and sighed with a big relief. Like quitting a bad habit, the first steps are the hardest.

I then continued to contemplate about these past months and how truly disappointed and ashamed I am for what I have become. It has consumed my every action and has made me feel shameful for all my reckless deeds. I always replay the phrase…”What if you’re mother knew?” and “I thought I raised you better.” Unfortunately, we as human beings tend to make big mistakes and realize our routine is detrimental to us.

I also began to think. If I truly want a man…the man that I want and the ideal one for that matter. I must act like a man and not be easily persuaded by temptation. Again, declining the offer tonight was definitely a hard decision. Another reason for me thinking of the man I truly want to be is the fact that I do honestly want to get to know someone, however…my actions these past weeks have made me feel more guilty than ever. I am ashamed. But I have to begin somewhere right?

It pains me because I know I will be judged. It pains me that my journey has been a trail of incomplete relationships followed by broken hearts. I’m in disbelief in what I am writing because it isn’t until today that I realized the damages I have caused to myself. Maybe thats why I was crying uncontrollably last night, aside from the fact that I was intoxicated, because deep down I knew who I was…but hid all that from people, my friends, and especially me.

Summer begins differently this time around as I turn over my ways and retire who I was. I am not proud of any of it…I have to excuses. However, I do wonder where these actions might be a result of? Like I told Mary today, I wasn’t the same after Kit…I meant that.

Seems to me, learning the hard way, is better than not learning at all…

I am guilty, I accept full responsibility, and I will own up to it…for my sake at least.

June 5, 2009

iljb#23: The Crying Game

Crying isn’t always a good thing especially if you have alcohol in your system. To be frank, I wished that last night didn’t happen. I felt a little bit embarrassed for acting the way I did last night, however, I couldn’t help but let it all out. These past weeks have just been rough and I haven’t really let it all out…unfortunately, I let it out on JPs birthday at Sadachis. lol. I cried about my bff, my single self, and well everything in between. It was crazy because I got hella faded off of beers before we went to the restaurant – so unlike me. I then drank more later…blah…I was a hot mess. Crying all over the place, excusing myself from the party to cry alone. I hate crying in front of people…I tried to be strong last night I really did…but it just came out.

Talking to Mary today, I felt a lil bad…she has no idea…when I meant after Kit…things haven’t been the same with relationships…I wasn’t lying…=/

I guess its another one of those reality checks that I needed…turning over a new leaf so I can end this crying game.

June 3, 2009

iljb#22: The Real Gossip

As much as I would like to give all the credit to Gossip Girl and her band of drama invested characters for giving me reason to begin my own drama, I believe drama rather found me instead – and by surprise if I might add.

To begin with, I figured I’d address my thoughts on the whole “YOUTUBE star” or whatever the hell people call it. As much as I’d like to be proud to be known on the internet as the guy from youtube, I cringe every time I hear people use that fame against me. Just because I’m on the internet with a substantial fan base, does not mean I am way too good to talk to anyone. If anything, I have kept it real, raw, and open. However, some might feel otherwise, like the recent comment I got on youtube by this guy name Jermey. He commented on my video stating that…

you talk all this shit in your video but then list yourself as straight on your myspace.

hypocritical.

First of all, who are you to judge me? You don’t know me, only through youtube. Second, why does my myspace matter to you anyway? I barely update that thing to begin with, I only use it as a source for people to message me and for me to keep updated with my friends. Third, who the fuck are you to be talking and leaving me comments like that!? This isn’t your first might I add. Just because my status says straight on myspace, does not make my advice or what I say less meaningful. I am so so sorry that you got offended? Aw…Sorry -_-.

Which leads me to my next topic, folks who really idolize me, breathe me, LIVE me in their every day life. They think of me every second they can and when they see me, they have a lot of balls to say that “WE NEED TO TALK”. Mmmm and if it was THAT important that we need to talk, then you would address it right then and there. I would think after all these months, you would get over yourself and stop criticizing what I do. As much as you are insignificant in my life – I seem to be your everything in yours. “Offended?” PLEASEEEEE when do you not get offended by me? First off, get off your high horse and fucking grow some balls and tell me what the fuck your problem is. If anything, if you have a problem, address it, fix it, then move the fuck on. Instead of leaving your scent of asshole for me to smell the rest of my day. As much as I tried to make amends, you definitely did the opposite. I helped you out without you asking because apparently EVERYONE knows it, but you. I sucked my pride by congratulating you in a wonderful program this year, the least you could do was say the same for me. And why do I have the right to talk about you months later after all is said and done. Well dear friend, you seem to TWEET all the unnecessary hatred you have towards me. AND really? How mature is that? And to think, I let you say all that shit to me during the summer…I should have fucking told you to get the fuck out. And for the record YOU OFFEND ME.

As much as we like to think we can PLEASE everyone, the fact of the matter is you can’t. Even your true friends can turn on you without notice.

I guess for me, I’ve just had a uphill battle with myself and my friends. For one, Gossip Girl has really taken form in my life through my friends and their actions. For starters, a bombshell exploded when a particular friend told another friend that they had a dirty secret that has been kept for over a year – everyone knew…but him…and apparently me too. -___-. Another exciting turn of events is when a simple conversation with a friend turned into more than just a dispute, but rather question of friendships. Lastly, a friend telling me that I am unapproachable in the eyes of an individual who doesn’t know me. So why does this all matter to me right now? Because all of my insecurities about me have surfaced.

As much as I say I am a strong person, who gives advice if needed, I am like the rest. Confused and in search on answers. The strong eventually weaken and crumble.

But I wonder why that comment of “unapproachability” bothered me the most. Am I really “stuck up?” or “hard to talk to?” I mean I admit, I am more so aloof than anything when it comes to people. I am also rather cautious when it comes to opening up. But I am never a closed book. I don’t get where folks get this idea of me. Do I really come off that strong to folks – that I, Joaquin, am a stuck up bitch? I know, I know…the simple – Why do I care about what other people think about me, but to me this is hits closer to home.

As much as I am trying not to dwell on recent events, it makes me question why I wasn’t appointed. Was I not qualified? Was I not the right candidate? What was I lacking? Was it because of my unapproachability? Is it because I am older? If anything I would see that as a good thing. I guess I have been questioning myself and my credibility as a person. Am I good enough? Am I worthy enough? The response I got from a friend was – don’t dwell on that – stop it. Honestly, I know – But its hard to not dwell on something thats real personal to me…especially when I thought I was going to get the position. As much as I was ready, confident, whatever I had during that interview…I just feel that it was a defeat to begin with…I question myself…I continue to question myself…

As much as I try to open to my friends about it – I don’t get the same response from everyone. Sigh…I guess the tables have turned – the person who always seems to listen, needs the same in return – however…am I really getting through to folks – I AM in need of someone to listen to.

I know my bff means well…and I understand that he was here today showing efforts in why I was acting up. However, it wasn’t until I acted up that my life seemed to be a priority to even be discussed. I feel that recently, I have just taken in my problems and dealt with them, listened to me. It was unfortunate how all my problems happened during the week of graduation…I mean…why spoil a momentous achievement with someone’s troubles? I guess thats my bad as well…But the reason why I didn’t open up to the bff is because I felt that it was pushed and insincere. As if it was a joke…sigh…I have a lot on my mind and the last thing on my mind is being mad at the bff…however, it was natural for me to act that way because of the circumstances.

Answer me this…

A friend is supposed to be there no matter how broken the record is…correct?

I guess what I’ve been dealing with is something deeper and something that I have discussed with a few friends. As much as I’d like to have paid to get my answers, I can’t afford that luxury nor would I want to. Sometimes I feel that you have to go through the struggle to understand yourself a little better. It works for some and for others it doesn’t. For me, I like to earn my degree in life, not have it handed to me on a plate.

I guess I was just hurt just hearing what I did from my friend. Understandable, it was RAW for my ears to hear, but understand…the words coming out of that persons mouth was not the person I knew. That is why I posed that question earlier. A friend is supposed to be there no matter how broken the record seems, at least in my book, because as a friend its ones duty to be able to comfort and stand side by side, even if that means not saying a word. It made me question the credibility of my friend and why it came off like that. But right now…I’m still trying to figure out my thoughts of how to approach the situation because my thoughts are definitely scattered.

The only one who I’m able to express this to…is well…here on my wordpress.

I have work later today and its my friends birthday at midnight. I haven’t replied if I could attend the dinner…I’ll reply back tomorrow. I hate when I’m placed in this situation, especially when it comes to special occasions like a birthday dinner. I am broke. I am surviving by myself. And when I say myself I don’t mean my family is helping me. I mean…this is the real deal. Every pay check goes to rent and the rest on food and gas. Unfortunately, gas is a bitch since my car eats a lot of it …and well food sigh…I wish I knew how to cook. In any case, I guess I am always placed in a position where I must choose to either fake it till I make it or to just tell the truth that I am broke. I hate  when I’m in this situation because I was in the very same boat as I was last year…broke…starving…blah but it was definitely way more worse…:P .95 cents I recall in my account. HA. =/ I mean thats the biggest trouble I have in my life right now…finances…I’m trying to make the best of it…however…its still the same…I’m in the shits. I hate when people have to pay for me…I feel like an idiot. Like that one time Mary decided for our friends to go out and have dinner…I didn’t expect her to pay 70 bucks for both of us…but she did…and she had to add, “Damn I could have went to banquet.” or something around those lines…the guilt trip of me knowing someone had to pay for me sucks…and even worse…me just wishing I declined the invitation. Especially with tomorrow, I don’t want a pitty party. FAR from it, its just I can’t afford to attend and I don’t want to be a burden at the table when it isn’t right to take any spotlight from the birthday boy.

As much as I’d like to continue to rant and rant about the REAL gossip in my life, I think this will suffice…considering it is already lengthy…I love writing…it eases my soul.

June 1, 2009

iljb#21: Summer Begins

Twisting and turning. My thoughts shift back and forth as I dwell on certain events, people, and life in general. So much as happened in a span of a few weeks. So much has happened that I haven’t even caught up with all thats been said and done and just reflected on it. As much as summer is beginning, I feel like it hasn’t even started yet. I have so much to look forward to, but at the same time so much to overcome this summer. With the routine I have set for myself on a daily basis, I feel like SUMMER…is just one big bummer. =[

Personal: I haven’t been able to pin point if I do have depression or if I was just caught in a lot of stress, but I think its both. The past two months have been rough on me, especially with the change of my future. I’m dealing with stuff internally that I can’t seem to always understand. I get weirded out at times because I feel like when I do things, its out of my character. I wonder. I am really Joaquin? These couple of weeks have truly tested my merit as an individual and has opened my eyes to a lot of things. One is that, I have a future ahead of me and I need to focus on that future. Two is that, I need to worry about me and not everyone else. I feel that I’ve been lacking the religious side of me for awhile now…I know its because of this that I am in the shit hole. SIGH…I’m not quite content with my life…mostly because of my finances.

Relationships: I am scared of commitment. YUP, I said it. That is the reason more than half of my relationships fail, the other half is just because they fail. I have this ideal guy in my head with all these qualities I want. I have this guy in my head who will hopefully sweep me off my feet and make me happy. However, as I wait for that guy, opportunities arise. I take em, but I know they’re not the one…I take that risk, but end up being a douchebag. Relationships haven’t always been my cup of tea because I can’t even keep one. I am scared of what I have forgotten. I was sweet…I was kind….I did all the things that any guy would want…but as time passed, it seemed that things I did for people were nothing new to me…they’re all the same…”THE game is the same, but the players change.” I don’t deserve nice guys because they are way too nice for me. I don’t deserve assholes because I know I should be treated better. SO where does that leave me in REALationships? shrugs…I compare myself to folks who are in a relationship. I ask myself why I’m not there in their shoes. I ask myself why I can’t have that. I ask myself why…its so difficult for me to be with someone who is on my level and who is just what I need. I need a man who will own up to his mistakes. I need a man who will be able to take care of me and himself. I need a man whos educated in all aspects from books to how to make a guy laugh. I need a man whose responsible. I need a good looking kinda man. I need a mannnnn! I just don’t get why I still haven’t been in a long relationship yet…a legit one….I even asked myself a few weeks ago if me breaking up with KIT was a mistake…I mean…we were in it to win it…almost 2 months of talking…but I decided to cut it off…was that wrong? SIGH….-__________- REALationships are supposed to make you smile. I don’t want to hurt the nice guys…I don’t. I don’t want to lead them on…I just like the idea of being in a relationship…shrugs…maybe I’m just not quite ready.

Friends: The backbone of my existence. After four years of being together, some of us have reached graduation day. Its intense knowing that a year from now, I too will be graduated. Our friends are close enough that we call each other family and because we’re family there’s so much drama! As much as it it entertainment…its exhausting. I know I can burden them with my problems, but I just haven’t recently. I just feel a slight disconnect with my friends when it comes to my problems…I mean I feel like its as important as theres, but I just haven’t recently expressed it to them. Sometimes I feel like they care and other times I don’t. I mean thats the motions of being friends…you’re there one min, then you’re not the next. In any case…lately…I haven’t turned to them with how I feel about certain things…I’ve only said it…but not really talked about it too much in detail…I guess thats just my way of handling things on my own like I usually do.

Family: This past weekend while being at home, I look into my families fridge and there was absolutely nothing. I mean…food here and there…but I was just like damn yal are struggle as much as I am up here in SF. It was just sad because I heard my sister say to my mom, “We aren’t goin to be able to do laundry anytime soon.” I even had to ask my brother for 10 dollars for gas…Something I rarely do. Asking money from my family is like asking the poor to spare change. The burden for me to get a better job was clearly stated more so this weekend by my mom. I have to get a real job to help in raising 1000. Its not that easy you know…when you can’t even count on your parents to help support you…but you trying to support them. SHIT I’m barely surviving on my own up here…Bills after bills…its like I never ever enjoy my pay check in the summer…and if I do its not on anything cool…its on food. SHOOT gas is even more of a trip now a days seeing that its way expensive. MAN…summer begins with me getting a new job…none of this jamba fucking business…SIGH…I hate summer because I can barely have fun like the rest of my friends…I work and hustle to get by…My bank account right now is at a low again…=/ I’m just depending on that raise…fuck I do so much…=/

Future: Well…I’ll end it here for now…I’ll continue later