Posts tagged ‘boys suck’

October 13, 2008

The what the fucks of fucks

 

What the fuck? 

I’ve been on this mood for quite a week now and it still hasn’t disappeared. I’ve continued to make myself feel more and more like an idiot and day by day feel like a dumbass since I feel the way I do.

What the fuck? How do I feel? I feel like theres something inside of me that is itching to just get out. Something inside of me that needs to burst out and just yell out in the top of my lungs. However, something is shutting me up. For the past week or so, I’ve just been keeping it all in, or at least trying to. I’ve been just suffering from what I call, “POST DEPRESSION”, where I think of the worst and the worst gets the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCK? 

Now I know what I need to do, don’t need to tell me twice. I think I know myself better than anyone and advice I probably already know, but it still gets to me because this feeling of whatever the fuck it is, is important for me to experience. But again, I don’t think its working out in my best interest since this week is a bummer and pain and I have many deadlines to meet…that being at this state right now is probably not the favorable week to be in this state. 

What the fuck? I feel like I can move on. Scratch that…I know I will move on. BUT WHEN? WHEN can I move on when I feel like I’ve been at this stage and point for a week now…and going…seriously? I haven’t felt like this in a REAL long time. To the point where everything around me reminds me of the situation I’m in. Little things from peoples cars, purple, lighters, EVERYTHING. And its disheartening because I hate feeling this. Feeling like I can’t reason or compromise the situation. I hate this…I hate this part right here as Pussycat Dolls would say. 

WHAT THE FUCK! I feel like a suicidal wreck in that I am just not gonna make it through this week without killing myself (not literally gezz). I just don’t like this schedule…Starting off Monday by opening at Jamba was not what I call…a great start to the week. Especially since I feel so crappy. In addition, I just kept on falling asleep in my classes. REALLY though…I’ve never slept this bad in any of my classes. I could at least control it, but its just been SOOOO BAD that this thing…whatever the fuck this thing is thats messing me up…has just fucked up my whole routine. 

Its not so much about a person whos making me feel this way, but rather the situation. The factors that play in this is just totally fucked up. And though I might tell myself…I wouldn’t change anything if I could…I probably would take a rain check on this for another time. This is bullshit and thats all I can say. 

I can’t believe its gotten to me this bad. This feeling of feeling like a dumb ass. Feeling so uncontrollably emotionally wrecked, feel me? Like I don’t know what to do with my life. When I wake up every morning…I feel like I’m wasting it…I feel like I don’t have my priorities in check…I feel like I messed up a month worth…where I could have done something more productive. 

WHAT…the fuck…

Its gotten to the point where I do want to cry. Maybe even break down…but I’m too tired to shed any tears. Too tired to even speak about how I feel, instead just write them out. It takes too much effort feel me? Especially with judgmental friends that I have (its not a bad thing by the way). I just feel like …I lost a lot of me in this process. I LOST a HUGE PART of my individuality…like who the fuck is Joaquin? CUASE I SURE DONTLIKEJOAQUIN! Feel me…

I fucking screwed myself over with this whole business. I screwed myself over and I feel like shit. I feel like this because I put myself in this position where I am complaining and ranting on and on about the same fucking situation/emotion that I have been for the past week. I feel like I’m not even myself…I feel like in a way…a small way…I’m being fake with the folks around me. TRYING TO SMILE…when I know everything is fucked up inside. I try to avoid it…but moments when I am left alone with my own thoughts…get the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?

I need to check my life…start folding my laundry…clean my act…start moving to a better place…because the place I’m at is dark and lonely…and you know what happens when we’re in that situation…

ITS TAKES A LONG FUCKING TIME TO GET OUTTA IT…

I got a ticket out…I’m taking the next train and getting the fuck outta this bullshit.

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