Complicated Context

– – – U P N D O W N

Three years ago, I met a guy named Ben through Open House. It was funny too cause it was so unexpected. Someone told me to talk to him to let him know how to get to SFSU since he was coming for our open house. After I got off the phone with him, the person who let me talk to him (his cousin) tells me he’s gay. I was like WTF??? FOREAL. haha He ended up coming with his other coordinator and me and my other colleague met them at our office. When I saw him, my mouth dropped. *GASP* hes sooooo cute! But really? HES GAY? NO FUCKING WAY! I sat across from him, TRYING to pay attention at the subject matter. We ended the night and said our goodbyes. I talked to my colleague after discussing his appeal to the both of us. We laughed it off, but I was determined to talk to him. The roller coaster ride of events that followed after was full of excitement and heartbreak. When we started talking on aim it stepped it up a notch in getting to know each other. I would feel more inclined to go to other folks events knowing that he’d be there. There was a time however, where my colleague was jealous of my friendship with him and told my core some stupid excuse in why we shouldn’t go support their event – the reason being that I wanted to just see Ben. -_- LAME! Childish acts like that erked me with my colleague resulting in animosity between us when we brought up Ben. 

Ben and I would have conversations of interests. Flirt. Do things that would make your body rush with excitement. For instance, when we shook hands, he would tickle the bottom of my palm. haha the first time he did that, I was like…WTF? -_- Oh did I mention, at the time he recently just came out…or was in transition -_-. We would talk sometimes on the phone, but he would leave me with more questions. Left uncertainty after conversations were done. It got to the point where I was real sprung off of him. YES? NO? He kept me close, when all I wanted was to escape. But ain’t that what happens…you wanna leave, but you don’t because you know it a temporary high. 

On and off, we would talk. But then I found out…he had a boyfriend -_- a boyfriend in which I was also working with currently at the time at his school…AWKKWARD. Which left me pissed and confused. WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? His answer…I never got around to…-_- OOOOO-K. So this obviously made me not want to talk to him, which was the case in the end. But later on…it didn’t work out with his boyfriend…he then came back in my life…with my stupid ass letting him in once again. But AGAIN…it was an off and on basis with Ben. When he wanted to talk…-_- 

Fast forward…a year later…we’ve grown up and well moved on, but there was still a piece of me that still would give him that attention and time. We met at Fresh in Berkeley to just meet him after awhile of not seeing each other. My feelings came back for him. He was beautiful! REALLY though. My friends meet him too. He would give me looks without any words to accompany those looks, leaving me to try and decipher them after. We then would text each other after we went our separate ways, but it would always end up with us being frustrated and what not. 

I remember the final push for Ben, mind you we haven’t kissed or anything yet, only flirted. I was in the area…and well drunk…and I wanted to see him. He said he was down, but he was with a bunch of his roommates…I didn’t mind…I was cool just hanging out with him…Long story short…we ended up kissing…but when it was actually happening, the thoughts of “this is not what I expected” and “what are you doing Joaquin?” I was drunk and making out with him – definitely not the romantic setting nor place that I imagined. He ended up passing out, leaving me to think next to him…in disgust…-_- I was hurt again…So that for me was the last real encounter I had with him. 

He never understood why I was mad or hurt by him. He would say sorry, but he didn’t understand the reason for the apology. He would try to again gain my attention, but I had enough of it. Two years I felt wasted…I then deleted him off of myspace and eventually facebook. He would try and add me again and again, but I would refuse. My way of getting someone out of my life slowly…

Yesterday, he imed me…saying he missed me. Three years later…things are definitely not the same and I’m able to talk to him without any emotions attached. We lightweight reminisced about the things that I discussed earlier, and all we could do was respond with “lol” or “oh yeah I remember.” He then suggested for us to hang out. I was shocked and surprised, because he would always wait for me to ask. I then followed by saying, “When you have the time and date, thats when we’ll hang out.” Sometimes, your past experiences…makes you a lil bit stronger and wiser in dealing with bullshit people like Ben. Hes a great guy…just not the type that would make me happy relationship wise. 

– – – A S I A N P E R S U A S I O N

My first boyfriend that I really considered, Ken, was my treasured trophy piece. The year was coming to an end in 2004, but along with it I was getting to know Ken. He was your typical asian, rice rocket, chinese guy. Spiky hair, chinky eyes, medium built, smoked, and smelled like curve (the reason why I was so attracted to him), driving an RSX (is that what it is? haha). When I started talking to him, it was nothing…he was hard to get to know just because he wasn’t really “out”. Yet he was feeling me. My friend Jamie and I took at trip at his work in SF cause I wanted to see him for the first time. It was soooo cute cause I was hiding behind different isles, grabbing a peak at Ken at the counter. He would look at me like wtf is your deal. That was the first time I saw him and I was right off the bat “sprung”. Soon after, he came down to Mt. View to pick me up for a movie. Oh, I was just really getting the hang of meeting guys and how to act around them, so I was very much inexperienced. We sat next to each other at the theaters, but I couldn’t help stare at him avoiding the movie at all cost. I then said some cheesy line for me to grab his hand. -_- ugh lol (I hekka don’t try to do that shit no more lol). It was just a real nice feeling that I had never felt before…We then were at the parking lot…and well lets just say we got caught -_- LOL. =] it was a good caught though LOL. Thats when I asked him to be my bf. haha (Oh man when was the last time I asked someone to be my bf…oh man…geez) 

Now, I met his friend and she was tight…he was a bit older than me and definitely, I was a square bear when next to him…I just idolized him cause he was the first guy I believed too good to be true for me. I remember, I would drive all the way to SF (a snuck out to drive the car) and see him. It was raining one time and well I went to see him at his house. He invited me over and well…he was being a lil bitch cause I was on his bed and well he wanted to just watch TV. TYPICAL GUY ATTITUDE! UGH…I was all bitch pay attention to me. LOL. I was playfully arguing with him saying all he cares about is TV and not me. haha ugh sooo drama mama. Anyway, we cuddled and basically watched the rain pour down on the window. It was one of the ONLY moments in my life where I felt it was real romantic and movie like. I was like damnnn this is it =] I like this guy a lot.

Unfortunately, there came a time where I felt like he was totally different on the phone than in person. I kind of was a psycho back then in that I was challenging his affection towards me basing it on phone interaction vs in person. A valid argument, but eh. I ended up once again going to SF late at night, thats what I would do when we would get into a fight, I’d drive 45 mins just to see his ass. I was upset that night…I sat him down. Told him…if you want me to stay, I’ll stay, if you want to break up let me know. He had this look like he wasn’t having any of this. He told me, “You should know I don’t like talking about this stuff,” I looked at him like how else are we supposed to make things work or better if we don’t talk, “I just don’t like talking about my feelings.” as he finished his sentenced. I then asked again, do you want to break up with me? Cause at that time I was ready for it. He responded…no. 

Three days later, I felt like I was doing better. I wasn’t worrying about our relationship or nothing. I was doing fine. I also hadn’t talked to him since the day we talked. I called him and I happily asked what he was up to. He said stuff and just thinking. When he said thinking, I asked about what. He then responded…”I think we’re better off as friends.” UGHHH my heart broke in two…HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO THAT? YOU SAID THREE DAYS AGO that you wanted to stay with me. He wasn’t even trying to work it out with me either…that was the worst part…he just gave up…I was like…ughhhh. On the phone I kept my cool…and then hung up…I was upset…totally upset. 

Fast Forward…SF then became a place where I dreaded to go. Memories of him every time I went to the city…I remember I would just drive up to his place and sit outside…wondering…wtf…stalkerish? Yeah…When I got to college freshman year, we ended up talking again…We spent a night where we watched a movie…it was nice…we caught up…but in the end…it led to nothing…

A few months ago, I saw him after 3 years…I was shocked…he looked so different. He had baggy eyes…and look like he was on crack or something…I was like WTF??? I said to myself, “WOW I had you at my prime.” lol…it was interesting…awkward hellos and goodbyes…thats all…I found him on myspace and messaged him if he wanted to hang out, but he never responded back. 

Last week…I saw him twice…I pretended I didn’t see him…and he did the same…its so weird…we had a great thing…and he just threw it away…and even being friends…we wouldn’t do it…=/

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