Archive for April, 2010

April 16, 2010

ilikejoaquin’s BURN BLOG PART TWO

So I see a picture of Sam with this dude I know and I know its been hella years since that day we used to talk, but I can’t help but feel used and bitter. I gave my attention to this dude like no other and I felt good about it too. The fact that he lived in LA and he got at me first said something. I still remember when we was in China he and I used to talk via AIM. It was nice and sweet. At the time he was transferring to SFSU and he needed help. As a Gatoraider I figured I’d utilize what I knew and help him. I even remembered getting him a planner. At the time I lived on campus and when he arrived I felt so happy. I was helping him with everything…I wanted to make sure that his transition to school went well…I put relationship second…its instincts I swear. Helping others.

I remember when we would be on my bed and just cuddling…it was nice. Days went by and he told me that his roommates were moving up soon…I didn’t know that meant that we would stop talking. Valentines day was approaching and shoot I was excited. I asked him to be my Valentines and he said ok with a smile. When the day approached…he bailed…he said he was sick…I was heartbroken. I didn’t love the dude, but shit I cared a lot about him. FUCK I mean I was talking to him for a good while and thats the answer I got…I felt stupid because I told my friends that I’d be doing something later that day with him…shit I made him SPAM sushi…I don’t cook. I felt real depressed. The next day I talked to him and he basically said he felt better…I guess…

After awhile…we just stopped talking…he was there…I was there…but we never got back into the groove of things after that…a year later he and I talked again and I told him – when I was drunk – that was he did was fucked up and well I liked him a lot…I don’t recall what he said but in a future conversation he said, “Sorry, I was a mess back then and I’m sorry I did that to you.” It just validated a lot of things…because I thought it was me all this time…

blah…SAM was a good one, but I felt like he was all over the place in that he didn’t know what he wanted…I knew what I wanted…shrugs…lame lol =/

April 16, 2010

iljb#105: Defeated, but not broken…

I dunno why I feel this way…maybe because I’ve burned myself out with all the things I’m doing. I’m not completely failing or bailing out on what I’m doing, but I will say that I’m just tired and at this point…I’m disappointed with how I’m feeling about it. I’m perfectly doing me and have been. I think my “depression” is sinking in for some reason. I’m not sure why it decided to come into my life right now, but it is…its sitting in my system…its there…I’m telling it to go away, but its just being a bitch lol.

I’m in the student center, just finished Gossip Girl, and now just listening to Gospel. I’m about to start on my 20 page paper…just a draft lol. But I guess I’m telling myself…even after all the hurt, all the pain, all the burned bridges, I can’t give up – I can’t stop and say FUCK life because life is too beautiful to just give a big FUCK YOU to. It is wonderful and I need to keep reminding myself that. Its just hard at times, especially these when I don’t hear enough encouragement…positivity…don’t get the reassurance that life…my life is going to be okay.

Graduation is approaching and I feel like I’m somewhat on my own. Everyday I wake up I think to myself…same old shit…different day…Gospel is getting to me…getting emotional.

Whenever I had a problem – God was always there holding my hand and telling me to not be scared. He told me he’ll take care of things. He reassured that as long as I had faith, everything will be okay. He told me that I need to just believe and his miracles will work. Sometimes I just forget that he’s been there at my low and even as I write – he’s here with me. He’s the only man that will love me like he does. He will treat me like I am the world. He will see me for who I really am…he doesn’t judge me…he gives me hope and keeps my dreams alive…

I’m defeated…but I am not broken.

Love is patient, caring. Love is Kind. Love is felt most when
It’s genuine, but I’ve had my share of love, abuse, manipulated
And it’s strength misused, and I can’t help but give you glory
When I think about my story, and I know you favored me
Because my enemies did try but couldn’t triumph over me
Yes they did try but couldn’t triumph over me.

I’m still here, I’m still alive, I’m still blessed, on my way to
My destiny, because the favor of God is on my life. Let me
Tell you about love.

April 16, 2010

iljb#104: Words.iThink.Stuff

So I should be sleeping right now – I mean I did work my ass off to get shit done and I did.

I did something good. I took care of business. I had fun.

But why do I feel so empty like I’m missing/missed something.

Maybe its all this work and no actual play.

Lets just cut the bullshit. I haven’t had any contact with lips/dick/ass/ for a long time…and its getting in my head. lol…BUT I guess its alright – no I know its alright cause I know I’m getting ready for “him” whoever that “him” is…bitch is taking too long LOL.

I need to have fun.
NOW! lol


Somewhere here would be nice

April 15, 2010

38TH ANNUAL PCN


I worked my ass off and it only took a day and a half =] COME support PACE’s 38th Annual PCN.

❤ I missed designing – thank you PACE for giving me that outlet to.

April 15, 2010

iljb#103: Today I thought…

April 14, 2010

iljb#102: Twitter.

I was looking at his twitter tonight. Its been awhile since I’ve checked up on him…its been 3 months since the last time we talked…and well we haven’t communicated with one another…thats fine…I’m okay with that…theres nothing interesting going on his life…well thats that…I’m done…goodnight.

April 13, 2010

iljb#101: 100 wasn’t as epic as I wanted it to be. lol

So today marks a new day. A fresh beginning. A …start of sorts. I woke up this morning feel good and feel like I was unstoppable. Maybe because I didn’t go to work – but regardless, its a nice sunny day outside and Whitney Houston is helping me sing “one of those days”. Where I am in life right now is amazing. Possibilities arise and my future looks bright. Even though I’m busy with PCN, FilGrad, Project Connect, PACE, …I wish school, Friends, and everything else – I manage to reflect to myself that this is my last year in college and I’m going to miss it A LOT. I spent my whole life at school where as others spent half or less of that. I guess you could say…I’m active lol. But thats just it…I never was just …doing nothing…doing me…thats why this year when I finally graduate I can say that my FUTURE is unstoppable because I have so many dreams for myself that I want to create.

I want to move to SoCal and the more I say it I know it’ll be a reality. I am moving. I’m going to say goodbye to the yay and say hayyy SoCal. Folks have already asked if I have a plan…I don’t, but I know with the skills I’ve obtained I will utilize them to make a plan. I just know things will work out. With this positivity on my side…I can. Folks can run their mouths and tell me how busy they are or how stressed they are, but all you gotta do is look at my calendar and see – fuck…you ain’t playing. YUP…I ain’t playing with the fact that I am on my grind…I hustle…and I do what I can and try to do my best. Shit I didn’t even have to work hard to hustle 17 tickets for the Warriors where other folks were just having trouble finding two or one to buy the tickets…shows a lot about what I can do with my future…

One day…so very soon. I’m going to make it big. And I ain’t talking about youtube, I ain’t talking about being famous, but big meaning just successful in life. For all those who left, for all those who laughed in my face, for all those who didn’t believe my vision, I will be able to one day finally say…FUCK YOU – I did it without you! I got this comment on facebook from an old friend about me trying to hang out with someone…

“that wont happen..he’s “too good” for his high school friends. i kid i kid..”
“what?? dont call me a bitch when it’s true. look at all the times i try to reach out to you, of all those times i’ve seen you once!”

These people who say shit like this don’t have a clue on what I go through on a daily basis, what I’m trying to create, what I’m trying to do. YES, I stay with the people I am close with at STATE, but thats because I am graduating and they know what I’m going through…unlike for this one…she comes in out of no where wanting to hang out, but not realizing I am not the same person that I was in HS. I’m more grown up with grown up responsibilities. I’m talking about tough shit…and you can just rewind 5 years of my life in just one hang out. I’m sorry if I’ve been busy for A LOT of people in my life…but if you took the time to see or hear me out in what I do…you’ll realize my life is bigger than my own…so I didn’t respond to her, because I didn’t need to prove anything to her – TO ANYONE. I made it without you.


I know I posted this, but this is exactly what I feel.

I reflect and I say…maybe thats why I haven’t made it so big on youtube yet cause I have been making it big in the real world. 😀 haha HOLLAH =] hahaha

Anyway…I think I did this post justice and well this 101 feels like its really my 100th post 😀

Happy ilikejoaquin Blog Celebration =]

April 13, 2010

iljb#100: EPIC

i need to constantly remind myself…i dont need to prove anything to anyone. i do what i gotta do.

April 10, 2010

iljb#99: REPEAT

April 8, 2010

iljb#98: Crying game

As I was being “lectured” or however you want to call it by my director, I held all the tears in. I’m in the office right now and as I write, I’m still trying to keep it all in. Sometimes, being strong and kept together just doesn’t cut it and you eventually break into pieces. This job means a lot to me, but at the same time its stressful, I know it shouldn’t get personal and like he said, “Not to let it get to you.” But how can you not…when your heart and energy you put onto organizing everything is every bit a part of you. I just felt that some people don’t know how to apologize properly…if you apologize then apologize…don’t make excuses or defend yourself. YOU fucked up – end of story. First thing that you need to do is listen. Second thing…listen. Thats it.

After he left I started to let it all out…but even at that…not much tears came out. I think I’m just losing all this emotion and being numb to pain. Shit…whatever. I’m doing amazing things…I know it…

I just don’t feel amazing when I do it….

sigh…

April 5, 2010

iljb#97: Moving … on?

It just happens that I stumbled on this when I searching for the next picture to post. Mmmm its destiny talking huh?

I guess I’m feeling tired, nostalgic, hopeful, and just dreamy all in one tonight. After talking to Mary about the past, present, and future, I determined for myself that moving is a big step and is a possibility. Right after I graduate – I can potentially save 7,000 alone with work…how amazing would this be? How awesome? This is the sacrifice I must take if I want to move to SoCal. I got to set my life straight before I head out into territory unknown. I graduate next month and its too close for comfort to realize all my dreams are sooo close. I look at my calendar and it is definitely time crunch, but my body is shutting down on me.

I can’t help but wish that I had someone in my life I could share my troubles, hopes, dreams, whatever with…that was Danny…but that was a fail right…most definitely. I can’t help but just backtrack a lil on the hopeless relationships I’ve been in. Regardless, *BIG SIGH* I have so much to look forward to in life…I just need to rest up and conserve my energy. FUCK…I don’t think I’m going to do any hw…I’m so fucking tired…

ANYWAY, I am blessed each day that I am given the chance to live. I am blessed that god has yet to condemn me to hell for all my pitiful sins…that hes given me a second chance and he forigives. I just need a little more reassurance Lord that you will help heal me, be there at my most uncertainty, guide me to the road I need to take. I do all this HELP/ADVICE/YOUTUBE/TALKS to all these people. Friends, strangers, people I know, people who I’ve met only once…but sometimes…I just spread myself and advice too thin that I don’t have enough strength to take my own.

Its rare that I feel like I’ve gotten advice out of no where…and advice that doesn’t regard me being sad…just random advice…its rare…

But what can I do…its who I am. I live for this shit…

MOVING… yeah….

I’m moving on from you, this, and that…cause you’ve stopped me before in living my life…I’ve stopped…now I gotta just move on…

April 4, 2010

iljb#96: I FAIL at HW…

So today was supposed to be a day for HW, but I procrastinated the hell out of today…my last sad attempt to do hw is at 1am. UGH lol I have work today…ANYWAY, gotta make the best of it…I have all of tomorrow night to work 😀

I just wanted to remind myself how blessed I am with youtube and how many subscribers I do have and viewers…tonight reminded me that my voice – how small it my be to myself – is really big and impacts others lives. 😀 sigh =] THANK YOU THANK YOU!

ilikejoaquing blog #100 should be EPIC lol

April 3, 2010

ilikejoaquin’s BURN BLOG PART ONE

A few days ago I had decided to make a list at work (my mind wanders as you are about to read) of the guys that did me right, fucked me over, and those guys that just are DOUCHE BAGS. So who made the cut? ha. I guess this was my bit of therapy at work while dealing with the constant question of why the fuck am I still single? Well here goes.

THE WORST: I think out of all the guys that I experienced, the one who hurt me the most was Teekz. FUCK that bitch. lol, I can laugh about it now and if I ever did see him again I wouldn’t think much of it. However, when I look back at 2 years go, its like DAMNNNN you was a bitchh and a fucking liar who manipulated me into thinking he was “STRAIGHT” and he was “SINGLE” which both were complete lies. I never got burned this hard ever and even after that did I ever experience the worst when I was with this dude. There was something about him…a swagger I couldn’t pin point, but it made me want to go out of my way to just be there. My friends thought he wasn’t that great to begin with and well … I never listen right lol. So when I did tell one of my friends about him, they told me that we had a mutual friend who was actually dating him…for like almost a year. I was kind of shocked, but I still went through with it. Long story short…I we hung out one night and I dropped him off…We actually never kissed surprisingly…but a lot of heated tension was there and flirting. Anyway, I dropped him off to find that his current bf was there waiting for him…and it was raining LMAO HAHAH holy crap it was like a scene from a movie. THE BOYFRIEND who waited until his boo came home so he could smash the trick he was with…and that trick happened to be me. lol But all said and done…Teekz did all he could to prove that he was innocent…he apologized…I still wanted to be his friend…blah blah…HOT MESS! haha goes to show that trust issues can be broken by only one person…and after that…all the relationships you get with are based on that person and moment…Its true for me…can’t help it right? I MEAN BITCH REALLY LIED lol haha…shrugs the past is the past…but he was definitely the WORST!

THE CRUSH A LOT: Ben was one of the first guys I met not on the internet. I was excited because he was cute…I only knew he was gay because his cousin told me he was. After that…I tried to get to know him…something in the middle got complicated and we never got together…not even talked. He was cute…we’d text each other randomly and well I was confused at times with him. He was the type that liked attention given to him, but never reciprocating any of it to me. I guess I was just a fool. This was my sophomore year (sigh things were so much nicer back then lol). Flash back a year later…we ended up drunk at his place and I kissed him…AFTER all that not doing stuff with him…that kiss definitely ruined it for me and him. I was like, “WTF? THIS IS WHAT I WANTED?” lol nah but its one of those things where it just didn’t click after the kiss…I was like ugh this is lame…and left lol haha.

Then there was Ryan. OHHHH fuckking Ryan. When I was with my boyfriend my freshman year, all I could think of is how I wanted him instead LMAO HAHA was that bad? But then again he was the guy that was supppper adorable and supppper cute. He had that face, he had swagger, and he said and did things that would make you want to be with him. After a few months or so…we did try to get with each other…or at least I did…but he ended things with me telling me he was focused on school and everything else…I was bummed out…NEXT THING YOU KNOW a few weeks later a mutual person we know IMs me saying that he knew I liked Ryan and there was something between us. I was like yeah there was whats it to you. He goes, well a few weeks ago…I fucked him. GASP *JAW DROPS* the same week he decided to not talk and text me. I was like WTFFFFFFF. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I was so mad because I thought we were doing great…but turns out he was just trying to give it up to this bitch. LOL…Funny thing is I haven’t talked or spoken to him in years…until he texted me two days ago asking how I knew a roommate of mine…I was like WHATEVER lol…I was sprung on him…unfortunately he never felt the same.

BOY this is getting juicy. lol There was Jimmy. THE CUTEST UNDERAGED BITCH I knew LMAO HAHAHAHAHA. At the time I thought he was at least 18…or 17…LOL when we first met…he told me he was 16 turning 17. LOL I was like wtffffff LMAO haha I was like 21 I think. Anyway, I called him my Jimmy Nutron lol…WHY? I dunno. Anyway, he and I were trying to work it out…but I so turned off because he always had to rub in his SMARTness to me. How he has a 4.0 or whatever. Which was great, but damn do you need to rub it in. He also was trying to beat me up cause he does martial arts and shit. I was like damn…He was super hot though. I was like DAMNNN foreal, but just connection wise…I was a lot older and he was just in hs…I was like how the fuck does this work? I had to drop him and when I did he goes, “OH thats fine I know someone else whos smarter, my age, has a job, and drives…so see ya.” I’m like WTF? LOL I laughed it off…a few years later I guess we met up again trying to rekindle whatever it was…but there was nothing…just sexual tension lol.

Then theres Andy. Oh Andy. When I first saw him I thought he was sooooo adorable. Looks can be deceiving. He messaged me first (he was always the one messaging me first). At the time he was with this bf and I thought it was weird how he would always text me to go to a club or go meet him somewhere and I’m like so how does your bf feel about this and he goes he’s jealous. I was like alright. haha I never met him until 2 months later after he tells me that hes actually broken up with his bf. I’m like this bitch. I was hesitant, but I did it anyway. When I met him…I tried my hardest not to smile or think he was cute. BUT this fool was hitting all the right places with spitting game and everything. He was telling me he was over his ex and all that stuff (which in my head I knew was bs). He was also just saying how he wanted to go on a date with me and all that stuff…I dunno things moved fast, but I just felt like alright sure…I’ll take the risk. Long story short…he tells me one day he wasn’t over his ex after all and drops me. Now…he just wants to be FRIENDS and stresses the FRIENDS part…He’s a total douche…reminds me of Teekz because he did exactly the same thing to me that Teekz did…LIE. He also has a good way of making himself look and sound like the victim or the right person…Its fine…I think at this point this is my goodbye to this bitch. I can’t laugh at it yet cause its still fresh. I’m definitely over him. He’s the 2nd worst.

Now…those were just the beginning…those were the good and bad, but the following were the ROUGHEST and craziest relationships I’ve been in.

THE STRESS: I knew Kit for a while, but I remember him telling me he tried to hollah at me to go to some bus and I ignored him. Well shit…wtf was I supposed to do lol. He had this accent which I thought was so cute. I remember the first time I met him, I went out of my way to go to the Castro to meet him. He was still getting over his ex…ugh. I noticed that, I get with folks who are just out of a relationship…and a bad one for that matter. Anyway, at the end of the night I remember him saying to his friend, “Awww I like this one.” AWW it still makes me smile because its so simple but it means a lot you know. Anyway fast forward…I was always at his place more than mine…I disappeared and I dunno how I did it cause didn’t I have school? LOL I felt like I didn’t have school. it was funny…Oh cause I was on break…FUCK well it was nice because I felt comfortable being there with him, but then at the same time I felt like fuckkk I don’t have room to miss him…We were dating for almost three months already and its like fuckk when are we gonna be official. The bad thing about this was I always had to prove myself to him. I had to prove to him that I wasn’t like this or that. I was doing this because I loved him blah blah. I did stuff for him that I never did for people. I gave up myself to make him happy. It was then that I realized fuck…I can’t do this. We even took a socal trip with my friends with him…and that just proved shit if you can’t hang with me in a trip…then how can I hang with being with you? I broke it off…and he then was like wait…no…he wanted me back…he was begging and he told me that he doesn’t beg…I guess I was just fed up with all the bs that I went through with him, all the fights that weren’t necessary, all the yelling, all the uncertainty afterwards. I was like I can’t do this…I just wanted a break…but it ended up being a total break. He got me nervous to the point where I cried to him cause I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t stop. He looked at me and was like “WTF why you crying.” It just felt cold…and after 3 months of just being together…thats you get? He was the closest I had to a REAL BF relationship…it just went so wrong in so many areas…I thought about him a few days ago…just wondering maybe I gave up to fast? =/ Nah…I had to let it go…I wonder if he learned anything from us…

Soon after…I met this guy named Jhordan…BOY oh boy…it started off as just friends, then business, then mixing friends with business…I’m just like wtf. Everything I said was twisted and again I felt like I had to prove myself. This guy was a grown ass man, but I felt more mature than he was. He wasn’t even out. When folks introduce me to their families or friends…I feel more connected…and thats what happened…I was connected with him…however, he always got mad at me for the simple things, bring up the past, push my buttons. He even threatened to key my car one time…I broke it off cause we were business partners that turned relationship status…I liked him…I did stuff for him, but I just felt like I was pushing it and he was definitely pushing my buttons. At the time I was dealing with a lot of depression in my life and it seemed that was my scape goat…but I felt like if I didn’t get out of that relationship…I woulda killed myself. We didn’t even last two months into getting to know each other…it was too crazy begin with. STRESS STRESS…he was probably the third worst…ugh…

I learned a lot from both of these relationships though and I don’t hate them at all, I hated the situation that we were in. THERES A BIG DIFFERENCE.

Well this is getting too long and I think I vented enough…next topic will be the guys who were good, but didn’t work out because they were douche bags…but they were still sweet. lol Also, those I hurt and why…Until next time!

April 1, 2010

iljb#95: PARIS, TOKYO