Posts tagged ‘relationships’

April 3, 2010

ilikejoaquin’s BURN BLOG PART ONE

A few days ago I had decided to make a list at work (my mind wanders as you are about to read) of the guys that did me right, fucked me over, and those guys that just are DOUCHE BAGS. So who made the cut? ha. I guess this was my bit of therapy at work while dealing with the constant question of why the fuck am I still single? Well here goes.

THE WORST: I think out of all the guys that I experienced, the one who hurt me the most was Teekz. FUCK that bitch. lol, I can laugh about it now and if I ever did see him again I wouldn’t think much of it. However, when I look back at 2 years go, its like DAMNNNN you was a bitchh and a fucking liar who manipulated me into thinking he was “STRAIGHT” and he was “SINGLE” which both were complete lies. I never got burned this hard ever and even after that did I ever experience the worst when I was with this dude. There was something about him…a swagger I couldn’t pin point, but it made me want to go out of my way to just be there. My friends thought he wasn’t that great to begin with and well … I never listen right lol. So when I did tell one of my friends about him, they told me that we had a mutual friend who was actually dating him…for like almost a year. I was kind of shocked, but I still went through with it. Long story short…I we hung out one night and I dropped him off…We actually never kissed surprisingly…but a lot of heated tension was there and flirting. Anyway, I dropped him off to find that his current bf was there waiting for him…and it was raining LMAO HAHAH holy crap it was like a scene from a movie. THE BOYFRIEND who waited until his boo came home so he could smash the trick he was with…and that trick happened to be me. lol But all said and done…Teekz did all he could to prove that he was innocent…he apologized…I still wanted to be his friend…blah blah…HOT MESS! haha goes to show that trust issues can be broken by only one person…and after that…all the relationships you get with are based on that person and moment…Its true for me…can’t help it right? I MEAN BITCH REALLY LIED lol haha…shrugs the past is the past…but he was definitely the WORST!

THE CRUSH A LOT: Ben was one of the first guys I met not on the internet. I was excited because he was cute…I only knew he was gay because his cousin told me he was. After that…I tried to get to know him…something in the middle got complicated and we never got together…not even talked. He was cute…we’d text each other randomly and well I was confused at times with him. He was the type that liked attention given to him, but never reciprocating any of it to me. I guess I was just a fool. This was my sophomore year (sigh things were so much nicer back then lol). Flash back a year later…we ended up drunk at his place and I kissed him…AFTER all that not doing stuff with him…that kiss definitely ruined it for me and him. I was like, “WTF? THIS IS WHAT I WANTED?” lol nah but its one of those things where it just didn’t click after the kiss…I was like ugh this is lame…and left lol haha.

Then there was Ryan. OHHHH fuckking Ryan. When I was with my boyfriend my freshman year, all I could think of is how I wanted him instead LMAO HAHA was that bad? But then again he was the guy that was supppper adorable and supppper cute. He had that face, he had swagger, and he said and did things that would make you want to be with him. After a few months or so…we did try to get with each other…or at least I did…but he ended things with me telling me he was focused on school and everything else…I was bummed out…NEXT THING YOU KNOW a few weeks later a mutual person we know IMs me saying that he knew I liked Ryan and there was something between us. I was like yeah there was whats it to you. He goes, well a few weeks ago…I fucked him. GASP *JAW DROPS* the same week he decided to not talk and text me. I was like WTFFFFFFF. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I was so mad because I thought we were doing great…but turns out he was just trying to give it up to this bitch. LOL…Funny thing is I haven’t talked or spoken to him in years…until he texted me two days ago asking how I knew a roommate of mine…I was like WHATEVER lol…I was sprung on him…unfortunately he never felt the same.

BOY this is getting juicy. lol There was Jimmy. THE CUTEST UNDERAGED BITCH I knew LMAO HAHAHAHAHA. At the time I thought he was at least 18…or 17…LOL when we first met…he told me he was 16 turning 17. LOL I was like wtffffff LMAO haha I was like 21 I think. Anyway, I called him my Jimmy Nutron lol…WHY? I dunno. Anyway, he and I were trying to work it out…but I so turned off because he always had to rub in his SMARTness to me. How he has a 4.0 or whatever. Which was great, but damn do you need to rub it in. He also was trying to beat me up cause he does martial arts and shit. I was like damn…He was super hot though. I was like DAMNNN foreal, but just connection wise…I was a lot older and he was just in hs…I was like how the fuck does this work? I had to drop him and when I did he goes, “OH thats fine I know someone else whos smarter, my age, has a job, and drives…so see ya.” I’m like WTF? LOL I laughed it off…a few years later I guess we met up again trying to rekindle whatever it was…but there was nothing…just sexual tension lol.

Then theres Andy. Oh Andy. When I first saw him I thought he was sooooo adorable. Looks can be deceiving. He messaged me first (he was always the one messaging me first). At the time he was with this bf and I thought it was weird how he would always text me to go to a club or go meet him somewhere and I’m like so how does your bf feel about this and he goes he’s jealous. I was like alright. haha I never met him until 2 months later after he tells me that hes actually broken up with his bf. I’m like this bitch. I was hesitant, but I did it anyway. When I met him…I tried my hardest not to smile or think he was cute. BUT this fool was hitting all the right places with spitting game and everything. He was telling me he was over his ex and all that stuff (which in my head I knew was bs). He was also just saying how he wanted to go on a date with me and all that stuff…I dunno things moved fast, but I just felt like alright sure…I’ll take the risk. Long story short…he tells me one day he wasn’t over his ex after all and drops me. Now…he just wants to be FRIENDS and stresses the FRIENDS part…He’s a total douche…reminds me of Teekz because he did exactly the same thing to me that Teekz did…LIE. He also has a good way of making himself look and sound like the victim or the right person…Its fine…I think at this point this is my goodbye to this bitch. I can’t laugh at it yet cause its still fresh. I’m definitely over him. He’s the 2nd worst.

Now…those were just the beginning…those were the good and bad, but the following were the ROUGHEST and craziest relationships I’ve been in.

THE STRESS: I knew Kit for a while, but I remember him telling me he tried to hollah at me to go to some bus and I ignored him. Well shit…wtf was I supposed to do lol. He had this accent which I thought was so cute. I remember the first time I met him, I went out of my way to go to the Castro to meet him. He was still getting over his ex…ugh. I noticed that, I get with folks who are just out of a relationship…and a bad one for that matter. Anyway, at the end of the night I remember him saying to his friend, “Awww I like this one.” AWW it still makes me smile because its so simple but it means a lot you know. Anyway fast forward…I was always at his place more than mine…I disappeared and I dunno how I did it cause didn’t I have school? LOL I felt like I didn’t have school. it was funny…Oh cause I was on break…FUCK well it was nice because I felt comfortable being there with him, but then at the same time I felt like fuckkk I don’t have room to miss him…We were dating for almost three months already and its like fuckk when are we gonna be official. The bad thing about this was I always had to prove myself to him. I had to prove to him that I wasn’t like this or that. I was doing this because I loved him blah blah. I did stuff for him that I never did for people. I gave up myself to make him happy. It was then that I realized fuck…I can’t do this. We even took a socal trip with my friends with him…and that just proved shit if you can’t hang with me in a trip…then how can I hang with being with you? I broke it off…and he then was like wait…no…he wanted me back…he was begging and he told me that he doesn’t beg…I guess I was just fed up with all the bs that I went through with him, all the fights that weren’t necessary, all the yelling, all the uncertainty afterwards. I was like I can’t do this…I just wanted a break…but it ended up being a total break. He got me nervous to the point where I cried to him cause I was hyperventilating and I couldn’t stop. He looked at me and was like “WTF why you crying.” It just felt cold…and after 3 months of just being together…thats you get? He was the closest I had to a REAL BF relationship…it just went so wrong in so many areas…I thought about him a few days ago…just wondering maybe I gave up to fast? =/ Nah…I had to let it go…I wonder if he learned anything from us…

Soon after…I met this guy named Jhordan…BOY oh boy…it started off as just friends, then business, then mixing friends with business…I’m just like wtf. Everything I said was twisted and again I felt like I had to prove myself. This guy was a grown ass man, but I felt more mature than he was. He wasn’t even out. When folks introduce me to their families or friends…I feel more connected…and thats what happened…I was connected with him…however, he always got mad at me for the simple things, bring up the past, push my buttons. He even threatened to key my car one time…I broke it off cause we were business partners that turned relationship status…I liked him…I did stuff for him, but I just felt like I was pushing it and he was definitely pushing my buttons. At the time I was dealing with a lot of depression in my life and it seemed that was my scape goat…but I felt like if I didn’t get out of that relationship…I woulda killed myself. We didn’t even last two months into getting to know each other…it was too crazy begin with. STRESS STRESS…he was probably the third worst…ugh…

I learned a lot from both of these relationships though and I don’t hate them at all, I hated the situation that we were in. THERES A BIG DIFFERENCE.

Well this is getting too long and I think I vented enough…next topic will be the guys who were good, but didn’t work out because they were douche bags…but they were still sweet. lol Also, those I hurt and why…Until next time!

December 14, 2009

iljb#76: Its harder than it looks.

I guess the day after hurts more than the actual moment. Today was a bit rough – slow start – but nevertheless rough. I couldn’t help but think that I was told, “…for right now, its better that we’re just friends.” I guess…I’m still confused about what that means because the past few months that we did talk…we were friends first – the attraction and affection came second…so I’m not sure what to feel or how to act right now…These confessions of mine are often buried and are often unknown to many, but I’m letting it out right now…because it hurts to much to be kept inside. Its harder than it looks…but I’ll manage…I always do.

It started off with me driving to Emeryville to meet him. I was so excited cause I haven’t seen him for over a month. It was so exciting because I finally was going to see him (I joked around about not being able to remember how he looked like). As I was driving I thought about the first thing that I would do. I would get out of my car, see him, hug and spin him as I say I missed you so much…When I parked…I saw him, I hugged him…but I guess I didn’t get the same in return when I come to think of it. His arms were to his side as I wrapped mine around them…I thought to myself…damn…this is what I get after not seeing you for over a month…I guess – and I figured…after knowing each other for a quite some time now, his PDA worries would have died…I mean…when I’m with him – the world suddenly stops and its just me and him…its been like that since I started to talk to him.

We walked like “friends” into the Public Market trying to find what to eat…I didn’t want to it, but I guess I gave in…we sat down…and I was so flustered for some reason…I didn’t know where my head was at…I guess I was just overwhelmed with him being in front of me…hes so beautiful…his smile…I guess he caught me spacing off and was like, “wtf?”, but I apologized and said I had so much to say that I forgot all of em…he nodded his head like usually.

Before we headed to the movies, we started to make out…It felt so good, but I felt like something was holding him back…I guess it felt like he didn’t want to do it, but I just figured that was just him being him…but we ended up just messing around and for that moment I felt so good that we were together…we were spending time with one another…I just missed his body next to mine. After…I was smiling as I said, “Damn that was hot.” I was so excited cause it was exciting. He on the other hand acted like he did something very bad and was ashamed about it…I asked him what was wrong, but he just replied that he was just tired…He said that the last time something like this happened because something was bothering him…I should have taken note of that…But I genuinely thought he was tired…so we just went on our way. I paid for his movie ticket…he didn’t seem to have any hesitation in letting me, I guess I wanted to buy it for him – even though I should have made him pay…I’m really broke…but I figured – I don’t put limits into the dude I’m talking to…if anything I’ll find ways to make it work no matter what. I’m just thankful he said thank you…last time I paid…he didn’t even say thank you.

We sat down and I started to hold his hand…but I felt like he was being distant…I dunno…I thought that was just him, but…I thought since we hadn’t seen each other he’d be more affectionate…more loving? But he was distant…leaning on the other side of the seat rather than closer to me…even holding his hand seemed like a task…but I guess I let it slide cause I didn’t want to push it…I guess thats just him I told myself…We watched Princess and the Frog and it was a really cute movie…I kept on thinking about him throughout the movie…telling myself…he’s my prince…and I’m so happy that I’m next to him…

The movie ended and we started to walk back to the car. We were conversing about how good the movie was and all that. I wanted to tell him that he was my Evangeline but something inside me told me not to say it…so I didn’t. He told me he needed coffee so we went and got coffee. We roamed around Boarders after awhile…he hit the kids section and he was telling me about how he wants to get a new book for his kids (he takes care of kids). I said why not make your own book and share with your kids what you made. He paused and smiled saying he’d like that. He was telling about this stuff animal that he found and it was a character from Dinsey – similar to Dora – and I was looking at the price thinking in my head that I’ll get it for him since he was so thrilled about it…but I kept that in the back of my head…Christmas is coming up soon right?

So we ended up in the car and he started off with a strange statement, “So how was your day?” and I was like…wtf? Then he followed it with, “So what are you doing.” and I knew then that something was up…I asked him if he had something on his mind…and he said he did. To be honest…my heart was racing because I was excited and scared…is he going to ask me out? He eased the conversation by saying, “So I’ve been thinking…like what are we doing…what are we…where are we going with this…?” My excitement soon turned into disbelief…is he breaking up with me? (too bad we were never together and we’ve only been talking for 3 months as “friends”) He then explained how he feels like since he broke up with his ex a few months back that he’s never felt single…or experienced being single. He was saying that he just hasn’t had that independence.

I couldn’t look at him while he talked to me because my body was shaking inside from the disbelief of hearing what was coming out of his mouth…He was telling me that he likes me a lot and he doesn’t wanna lose me, but at the same time he wants his independence and this chance to work on himself. WORK on himself? I just was in shock…I didn’t know how to react…I was quiet for the most part…He replied…”Please say something…” Well…what the hell do you say after 3+ months of talking and you spring this shit up…Me and him have never gotten into an argument and we’ve been a good couple – something I really cherished…so him saying this is like an unexpected earthquake…shocking…He got emotional telling me that I’m different…I listen to him and I make him feel like he has something to say…He was telling me his ex’s, family, and best friend don’t even do that…It was at this moment that I extended my hand to him…I was trying to not cry and get emotional…I guess be strong for the both of us…

I guess what got to me is the fact that…we mess around earlier…and he nodded saying yeah…he didn’t want to do that…but it just happened…he couldn’t help it…he missed me…He also explained that he wanted to just be distant, but it was hard…He also admitted that when we was rude or being mean to me throughout the time…it was because of his frustration of what he was feeling about our relationship. He didn’t want to drag it any longer…and said that he wanted to meet up tonight to tell me. He wanted to meet me at my apt and hang out instead of Emeryville…but he knew that was a bad idea. He continued saying that he knows he could do better…in treating me right, but its like he doesn’t have his shit together…I guess? I dunno I’m still confused about that…

He said that he just wants us to just be friends…but its like we were friends minus me saying I miss you…so thats what I wasn’t totally upset…he didn’t show affection that much in the relationship…but I thought of that as something we could work on together in the process…he said he knows guys want me and he feels like he shouldn’t be the reason that I shouldn’t pursue them…but its like…I don’t want them…I want you…I’ve wanted you ever since I met you…You’re more than I could ever ask for…it just doesn’t make sense…I don’t want to get to know folks…he was telling me that he doesn’t want me to wait…but its like shit I’ll wait to get your shit together because I know WE work well…He continued saying…I still want to spend new years with you and go to that basketball game with you if you’ll let me…but in my head I’m just like wtf…ugh…its not the same…But at the time I said of course I’d like that…

I reassured him that I’ll wait and agreed if something does happen in our lives…we’d let each other know (if someone else interest us)…but now when I think of it…this situation seems so cliche…its sad…it breaks my heart…couldn’t have have waited AFTER finals was over…Lena said, “guys like that don’t care about shit like that.” I agreed…cause I was like that guy too…this situation reminded me so much of how one year ago I ended it with this guy I was with…for 3 months…WOW…I’m just realizing it…sigh…this was the same place that I actually ended it with that dude one year ago…wow….

I’m slowly realizing this…ha…full circle…the irony…I dump one…and a year later I am the one that gets dumped…

He said to sum it up that we are going to be friends…but friends that like each other…

….

WTF….

I don’t get it because now its making me think that the reasons why…aren’t matching up…I did more that everything for him…been there for him…I did nothing wrong but show him what a true man is capable of being to him…I dunno now…I’m actually hurt…

Tonight he called and I ignored it…it was so hard…but I had to…if he wants to grow…he has to grow without me being there…it just makes sense right? Thats exactly what he wanted and stated…

I’m so lost…I’m feeling like shit…this sucks…but on the other hand I said to myself…things could be worse…

I give my all…genuinely give my all, but it never amounts to the fairy tale ending I want…

Its harder than it looks…

I need your advice on this situation…

How do I be a friend that he likes and give him the space and independence he needs? I like him a lot…I’ve put so much into this…Why did this happen? Is this my own karma? Like that Glee episode…You can’t always get what you want….

SIGH…maybe thats it…I can start my year off right…without someone by my side…cause I’ve made it through a tough year…and I can begin a new one alone….

THIS IS HARD….

ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE….

FUCK….

If I meant so much to him…why do I feel so unappreciated? =/ I guess I shouldn’t wait like I said I would…you let me go…and I guess thats a choice you’ll have to work out…

October 11, 2009

iljb#54: I’m trippin…its koo…

I’m not a party animal, I am not someone you should be afraid of, I am gay, I am someone who works hard, I am a lot of insecure (yes that is exactly what I meant), I like history, I know I’m not perfect, I love hard, I get depressed sometimes for no reason…

I’m trippin…I have found myself slightly depressed today…I don’t understand why it decided to come today. Man…I’m just sad…I’m feeling sad. I have so many insecurities that are getting the best of me right now and to be honest, this is the last thing I need to feel right now…I feel really dumb right now. I already cried in the car after work, I already tried to avoid how I felt when I hung out with Lena, and now I’m here blogging my heart out on this wordpress at 1:17am…I have work yet again today…I’m looking forward to it, but at the same time I’m not.

I am worth something right Joaquin? Yeah you are! Then why do I feel like shit. You’re mind is wandering…WHY!? You just need to get some rest. Why!? You have too much on your mind…I just want to cry…go ahead and cry then. But I’m too tried to cry…tomorrow will be a better day…You think so? Yeah, by tomorrow, you’ll forget about today…I need to do hw…yeah you do, don’t trip, you’ll have time to do it…promise? Yes, I promise…sigh I don’t know if I can do this anymore…Do what? Be this strong…you’ve done it for the past months now…why stop…I know, but I’m expected to be…no one expects you to be anything…I do…well this is a battle that needs to be resolved…but not tonight…SIGH…you’re sad? YES…take some rest, you’ll wake up feeling a lot better…Yeah? …I’m gonna cry myself to sleep…man don’t be so dramatic…yeah I know…But to be honest I am holding back my tears…if they do come out…let them…you’ve been keeping something in for the longest time…you’re insecurities…you’re right…sigh…my chest feels heavy…you’ll be fine…I promise.

September 28, 2009

iljb#52: Language Should Never Be An Excuse

Working for XpresSpa has truly opened my eyes about differences, especially with language. As much as I sometimes don’t understand certain people at work, I still can get by with the little things they say. Doesn’t mean they’re stupid, doesn’t mean they don’t know, just means that they’re working harder than you are to explain themselves. If we look at it in the bigger picture, both are just trying their best to get whatever they need to across.

I feel so guilty, especially after my coworker helped me a lot tonight. My first impression about Selena was that she was rude or stuck up from my other coworker Pei. She told me that she doesn’t like Selena cause she gets all the commission. I’ve also heard from folks that Selena is always doing way too much. I caught myself tonight falling into their “gossip” about Selena. It wasn’t until tonight that I found out who the REAL Selena is…she is so much like me.

She kept on reiterating, “Just do your best.” I admired her so much tonight for the fact that she was proving her point, “doing her best”. She also forewarned me that DRAMA is not her thing, if folks want to put her name in their mouths, they’re gonna have to deal with her and only her personally. Even though she speaks broken english, I totally got what she meant. She is a hard working, after all, she has been working there for two years, she knows wassup. I feel bad because I had a totally wrong impression of her. She knows when to play and when to work. She taught me way better than Pei did last week. Thank God, cause now I feel more confident about the job and closing. Selena does her job well and I feel bad that I let language and “other people” help me judge her before I even got to know her.

I ended up thanking her and I kept on reminding myself that this is what I would want future employees to hear, the real story. I am also realizing that I am 23 and the rest of em are either 19-20 or older. I know wassup too…I just need to get used to the job.

I like this job, I really do. I’m happy here =].

I must say, even though today was hard…waking up at 6 and closing and arriving home at 12…its all worth it. I can do it. Even though I’m tired as hell…I know I got this. God has me on this one. Even though I got sick this past week, I know God got me.

He’s blessed me with school, family, 2 jobs, friends, and a wonderful companion that I am falling for real hard. =] I am truly lucky and grateful to be where I am right now. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I am realizing small things, little things, create the bigger, and better picture of life.

On a side note, I need to keep reminding myself, my self worth. How wonderful and talented I am. I am amazing because God has blessed me so much. ‚̧

I am blessed…

PS. I love my picture for this blog…does not even relate LOL haha lighten up, life isn’t always so serious =].

September 7, 2009

iljb#48: …and its a good one.

I begin to relax and I let my mind settle for a min and let myself breathe. I breathe because I am alive, I breathe because I can, I breathe because it is just exactly what I need to do right now. And no, its not that kind of “I’m stressed out” kind of breathing exercise, but rather that breath that we all take for granted…and yes its a good one.

I completely have been overloaded with responsibilities, school work, work, and the ever changing lifestyle I commit to. Its exciting, yet so tiring at the same time. I remind myself that I can handle it because I know I can. I just got to make sure everything is on point and that I ain’t slacking. This Monday, I am making sure I am taking care of business, so that tomorrow I can just recover and tie up any loose ends…ya feel me?

I feel good about life right now. I know that even though recently this past week, I’ve had major bumps in the road, that the over all picture is still in tact and I ain’t trippin. I live life the way I want it to be, not the way I fear it to be. So before I get on with life today, I thought it would be nice to reflect on the wonderful day I had yesterday.

I had a wonderful time with a guy that I had never met before until yesterday. I was excited, scared, but over all over joyed that yesterday happened. How did all this begin? Well…with a simple text from me saying, “Oh I forgot you were on my phone list…hello”. He replied, “Oh so what are you doing tonight?” and I continued on texting, “Hanging out with you remember!” haha. I tried to be cute…and well it worked, he then went on saying, “How about Sunday?” A play date as he put it. Ever since that day, which was about a week ago, we’ve been texting each other every day just about our day and what not.

Now I went into this with no intention of getting with him or messing around. It was an honest “play date” and I really wanted to meet him. Since the bridge was in construction, he still took bart to see me. I find that really sweet =]. So before I picked him up, I light weight got nervous…I couldn’t believe I was meeting HIM. haha I mean he seems pretty popular on DL or whatever, but shrugs, thats my bad for even going there. I pulled up…and there he was. The first thing I catch is his beautiful smile and a wave saying hi. I tried to act cool, but inside I knew I was dying because he was definitely cute like his picture.

We drove down 19th and we were caught in traffic. I was irritate with the fact that there was traffic on a Sunday, but it gave room to get to know HIM. He told me later on that he was nervous and shaking, but I couldn’t tell really because I too was nervous and avoiding eye contact. However, when I did catch a glimpse of him, I couldn’t help but melt a little. haha. Again, no intention of doing stuff with him…just a simple hang out that I had in store.

We finally got to Kitaro sushi and luckily he’s never been there. He actually hasn’t been around SF he explained, which got me excited because I knew the spots I was taking him would be appreciated. I learned a lot about him and how hes not out yet…well to his family. I found it so interesting how 2-3 years ago he was straight…then became gay. haha he is that type of person that can be both and you wouldn’t expect it. He ate pretty fast while I just ate my udon, which by the way was bleh. I had to pee and while I was in the bathroom Celine Dion was working a song. I stayed in the bathroom for a little longer because I was getting it! haha.

We then went to our next destination. I jokingly asked him where we should go next and he replied with a shrug and said it was my job to plan it. I then said, “Where is the folder you said you’d bring.” haha. It was cute. I finally reviled to him that we were headed to Japantown. He exclaimed a big YAY afterwards. haha. Luckily he had been to Japantown before, he ended up giving me a guide of Japantown like I’ve never had before. I was then the giddy one. We walked into a lot of cute shops, I was stoked because I love Japanese novelty and what not. So cute! We then stopped at this car/automatic store where I decided to buy a car freshener (which by the way smells so good right now in my car lol). I was pleased with the buy. We then headed up to go get a crepe at Sophie’s Crepe. I had never ever had a crepe until yesterday…and inside I was giddy because I was able to enjoy the experience with him. I got a crepe chocolate with banana and some ice creme. YUM. I wish I had taken a picture of it =p boo. Like he did at Kitaro, he gulped the crepe right down, while I was still trying to figure out how to maneuver around it.

After we got done, we decided to drink sake. haha it wouldn’t have been a complete Japantown trip now would it? So we sat down at this quaint lil restaurant and drank. I got to learn more about him as the sake moment progressed. 21 questions and then some was the game. I found it cute that we both ended up being buzzed. haha. We walked out kind of dizzy…at least I was…and I couldn’t help but smile and think…damn he’s so cute! HAHA luckily I wasn’t an ass and blurted out, “HEY YOU’RE SO FRIGGIN HOT!” hahahahahha. That would have killed our kick it. haha. We headed down to a bookstore to just check out what they had, then found ourselves in the anime section. I separated from him and found myself looking at the Magna Carta book…I was so amazed because I love Magna Carta! Ahh the women in there are so hot. I want to draw like that one day. Soon after, he joined me for a lil bit and we exited to head to PikaPika.

By this time, I wasn’t too buzzed anymore, just excited about PikaPika. Its so crazy what Japanese people think of when it comes to photobooths haha. I loved it. My first time PikaPika’in. At first, it was a lil awkward cause I felt like it was a “couple thing” to do, but I got over it and went with it. I’m looking at the pictures right now and it is definitely ADORABLE. =] He has the best face LOL AHHHHH =].

After getting that over and done with, we got into the car and headed to our last destination. I couldn’t help but smile at him a lot cause he was definitely making it a great kick it. So we got there and the sun was setting. It was cute. We walked down this area near the Cliff House. When we got there it was breath taking the ocean, the view, everything was perfect. I told him that once we stopped he needed to ask me questions. haha

We ended up at this rock/muscle rock area thing. And stood as the waves crashed on the rocks and foamed the sand. Thats when I reminded him to ask questions. It started off with silly questions, then got to, “What’s your favorite part of the day.” and I replied…right now…he then nodded and agreed. Then…we’d catch each other smiling at each other and what not…continuing to ask questions. I then had the nerve to finally ask, “Can I get a hug.” cause I really wanted one. He then said yea. It was so romantic…the beach, the view, the gust of wind lol. He then surprised me with, “Can I get a kiss.” AHHHHHHH LMAO o – m – g. I didn’t even expect it to go there. FUCKKKK LMAO haha I then kissed him and I completely melted like a glacier! LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH he has the softest LIPS in the WORLD! I was like that is not a lip…that is like a babies butt LMAO it was sooo ahhh yum. I then asked, “Can I get another.” AHHHHHH it was so cute! I had never felt so good about a ending kick it turned date in my whole entire life. It was totally movie status. AHHHHH. He then asked, “What are you doing next weekend…can I see you again?” AHHHHHHHHHHHH that just did it for me. FUCK! haha. I felt like I had won a million bucks…I couldn’t help but smile.

The then “Kick it” had now turned into a date unexpectedly. It slowly dawned on us that it was getting colder and darker…so we headed back. Along the way, we’d stop and continue kissing each other. =] IT WAS CUTE! The hike however back was not crackin! OH hell to the mother fucking no. lol. I felt like an old man…literally…and it didn’t help I was walking next to Mr. FIT haha.

When we got to the car…I confessed to him that the reason why I texted him that one time is because I wanted to get to know him more…he replied with, “I’m glad you did.” It just felt good. It felt nice. And for a day…I felt like nothing else existed. He also mentioned he’s never had someone kiss his hand before like I did. I found that elementary to do…but I guess it made me feel good that I was the first to do it to him =]

The night ended with a lot of kissing and just the feel good memories we shared that day. I dropped him off and drove away hella cheesing. I slept real easy last night…aside from being tired lol.

It was sweet and amazing. =] For what it was…and whatever it might be…I’m grateful for the experience.

I did mention in earlier blogs that its good to be single…however, when you least expect it…moments like these occur. =] …and its a good one! =]

August 29, 2009

iljb#47: Rushing…

I feel like today was rushed to get to where I am today. I had work, did laundry, organized my life in between, and now awaiting my family to come and swoop me for dinner. I didn’t even eat all day because I’m waiting for dinner. (So bad). In any case, this rush is good. I feel this urge to make my first weeks the jump off of my whole year. It has just begun and I am already busy! I can’t hardly breathe haha. I’ve also been excited to do my hw – which is a first because I never ever feel excited to do hw. I just haven’t gotten a chance to peep at it because I have been lagging 2-4 hrs behind on schedule. But I’ll get there folks…it just takes time HA how ironic right?

I feel good today because I was able to pay off my best buy debt. Something I’ve been meaning to do for the last 2 years. I can’t believe it. I am stoked. I paid for it. Now I just hope my credit will be fine so I can actually get a REAL credit card. shoot. haha in addition, I was able to go to the dentist. =] Now all I need to do is get contacts and sign up for GRE. I am way more than enough money to handle myself this semester. I feel good because for the first time in awhile, I feel stable. I think its in part to the secret. DAMN secret really does work. =] I am grateful every day I wake up.

First thing I do when I wake up is acknowledge what I am grateful for and just thank everything for happening. I really do think this is why I have been so lucky these past weeks. I am so grateful for everything. Life, school, friends, family, my future ahead! I have been given this chance to make it big and I know I will be able to achieve anything if I just put my mind to it. IT is going to be a busy semester, but I know I am able to handle my own.

I work so damn hard to get where I am right now. It feels good to be where I am right now because with all the bad experiences I’ve had in the past year, all seem to be nothing but dust off my shoulder. I can lift my head up high and know that taking a risk, doing my best, and giving it my all is all that matters. Even when I’m down, I know theres a reason to be grateful. I do have those times, like recently, where I wish I had this and that, but I know that I am way blessed to have the things I have right now.

Because of faith, because of me, because of God – He is able to work his wonders through me. Could I have asked for a better birthday present? ha no.

On a side note.

Today at work I saw Jeff and his bf Anthony. It made me reminisce how I had a chance with Jeff, but couldn’t hang cause he obviously was not doing well in school. I tried no doubt, but it was just too complicated (haha a few months later he got with his current bf). Anthony, I’ve never really seen or met until recently. Never talked to him or whatever. But today just seeing Jeff and him – ugh made me jealous – like the fuck? YOU GUYS ARE HOT together haha. However, I reminded myself I hold my own pretty well and they aren’t at my level and I ain’t on theirs. Its all those could have, would have, man I wish I had…moments. He looked me straight in the eye to ask for water and I said to myself – damn you are grown – I remember you being so…lol I dunno even Ricardo and Ezra. The hell!?!?! haha I never really talked to Ricardo…and well Ezra haha. Its crazy how I will never understand their lifestyle, friendships, drama, or whatever because for me I know when I need to get the fuck out cause I ain’t having any of that. It made me say to myself, my man is coming. After all these great things happening to me, I know that he is coming too. ūüėõ

I don’t need to hope…cause I know. What a rush right?

I am in a point in my life where if you ain’t on point I will leave. I am in a point in my life where school is definitely a priority as well as my career. I am in a point in my life where I feel great about everything =] Things are doing great for me. I am doing fine.

mmmm I think I’m just overwhelmed haha

August 16, 2009

iljb#45: The IDEAL Guy: “STORY TIME”

The guy on the left is my boyfriend…er what I want my boyfriend to look like. haha. So its crazy how I stumbled upon this video. I was listening to “Little Bit” by this guy and later on clicked on his other videos and saw his brother. I wanted to see what his brother looked like without glasses…and low and behold, I found my IDEAL guy.

I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t gay, but he does have features that remind me of every other typical gay Pilipino. haha which is good because he looks like the type of guy I’d get with =] RAWR. Anyway, I have been having this picture of this guy I want in my head now for the last couple of weeks and well I got his personality, background, and everything down, but his face…FINALLY today I stumbled on his face =] hehe.

So my ideal Guy? Well, I’m excited haha I’ve been meaning to blog about it for dayssss! Here we go! (BTW, I will be describing this guy as though I have already met the guy and know him =] thats what “THE SECRET” tells me to do haha)

So this guy and I met somewhere around SF … er around the bay area at a party/club/event something. I saw him and he saw me. I kind of just looked away but would catch a glimpse of him looking back at me. I thought it was fun because where ever I was, I was having a boring time, so he excited me. He didn’t look gay to me so I didn’t think much of it. But I did continue to glance at him whenever I could and I would see him do the same which made me giggle. The night is drawing to close and he actually comes closer to me and bumps me on accident – he or I drop something – and we both bend down to pick whatever we dropped up – it was definitely like the movies LOL – He then held whatever he dropped in his hand as he lightly wrapped his hand around mine. We both get a glimpse of each others eyes and for a moment it seemed like he and I were the only two people in the room.

He then apologizes and continues his way. I look back and smile. So my friends and I are about to leave and well I see him again taking another glance at me while he takes a sip of whatever he’s drinking as he casually continues to talk to his friends. He dresses nice thats for sure. That night I couldn’t help but think about him and how cute he was…didn’t even bother to ask his name…then again I thought he was straight haha.

So, the week goes on and I slowly forget that guy…I’m looking through facebook or something and there he is…just randomly THERE. haha I check his profile, but its private. So I say fuck it nm. haha but it does make my day. A few days later…I log on again and pop a message from that guy. He writes something cheesy along the lines of, “Hey you were at that lame party right?” haha he gets me to chuckle. however I message back saying, “yeah that was me”…I leave it pretty much short and sweet. He then replies with a smart ass remark like, “Deng like that?” I couldn’t help but laugh so I replied to him apologizing and asking him what was up. He replies saying, I caught his attention or whatnot. After reading that, I started to get red and giggle a lot. He continues asking if we could meet up for coffee or something. I then agree.

So the day that we meet up, he is looking FINE. I mean crisp and on point. This guy does dress to impress…When I see him I shake his hand, but the first thing that catches my attention is his scent – his cologne. I blank for a second and he gives me a weird look like “are you okay?” We then get coffee or whatever the hell we do decide to do. We sit down and he explains why he was at that party or event. I can’t help but attentively listen to what he has to say…he’s cute when he talks. His lips are to die for and his eyes are just A-MAZ-ZANGGGG hahahahahahahahahahahah. BTW, his name is so unique and very interesting. I like. I then share why I was there too…You can tell he’s a listener cause he is nodding and making eye contact…this makes me nervous cause I never had someone do that in awhile.

I look at the clock and time just has flown by…I ask if he wants to take it somewhere else and he then agrees. I’m not sure where we go, but it somewhere nice with people walking around. We continue talking and I then ask him THE question, “So…are you.” He then stops and looks at me. I then start to apologize, but he interrupts by saying something cute like, “Why do you think I asked you to go get something with me.” I mean this guy got swag and this guy got me going hard. We’re walking and its such a nice day, one of those rare warm days in the bay. He then asks me more questions that are somewhat deep. I answer and I ask him similar questions.

Time is definitely passing by and I start to look at my clock or whatever. He notices and ask if I need to be somewhere and I reply with no. He then makes some kind of joke. The thing about this guy is, he’s easy to talk to and I don’t have to ask much. He doesn’t talk about totally random stuff or FILLERS to just make the conversation flow, but he just talks as if we already have been friends for awhile. We then part ways and thank each other for a wonderful night/day. We told each other we’d call or text or something.

After that, I just couldn’t get over the fact that this guy…THIS guy was actually talking to me. lol I was definitely enamored. I didn’t want to look or act desperate so I waited for his text or call. Days went by and nothing. I kind of got sad. However, just at the right time, he calls me and asks if we could hang out again soon. I started to smile on the phone and well we set up another “date”.

What I realized about this guy, hes very charming and sweet. I mean really sweet. The type of guy you would bring home to mom. He’s Pilipino, but he doesn’t really know much about his heritage. This date, I decide to school him on some information about Pilipinos in the bay area. He is excited and really takes everything in. What I also like about him is he truly knows how to listen and pay attention. He asks a lot of questions and just assures me that he does like what I’m talking about. He is very family oriented from the conversation we have. He has siblings and hes the oldest. He’s about 23-26 btw. He works and he tells me how he got his job, which is pretty impressive. He has already graduated from some college, which makes me more motivated to continue to seek higher education. He’s out to his friends and his family, they actually support him a lot in whatever he does…just as long as he provides for the family.

He definitely enjoys basketball and singing. He explains a little basketball when we hang out. I look at him with a confused look. He then tells me that he and I will go shoot some hoops. He also light weight serenades me with his favorite song. Which surprises me cause its not your typical song. He is medium built. He explains that he loves to run and work out. I too chime in with liking to run too. We both laugh and say the cliche “We have a lot in common aye?” He explains his past very light weight – he has a lot of trust issues and thats because a lot of people have been shaddy to him including family. So when it comes to trust he says its a must and its important. We some how talk about relationships and he explains he’s not looking for one in particular right now and I nod my head, kind of sad, but he then comes back with, “But I don’t mind this right here!” HE IS A FUCKING TALKER! AWWWWWWWWWW lol.

But thats pretty much the end of date two. haha the rest is history right? hehe

Well…=] theres my guy and I’m lucky to call him mine =] hehe.

August 15, 2009

iljb#44: Family Business & Then Sum…

I just want to say first and foremost that these past few weeks in my life have been amazing and have been life changing. I’ve gained a better outlook on life and have gained a better respect for me. What I mean by respect is that, I’ve really taken care of myself these couple of weeks and it has been amazing. I feel so good and I feel like its well deserved. I noticed that I used to complain about life, tweet FML a lot, and just be really negative. However, with my new attitude, I have definitely cut that from my system and I am more positive and more hopeful for my future.

My list that I continue to write on my notebook keeps getting bigger. I feel so organized for this fall that I don’t think anything can fuck it up but me. I am just so grateful for just being alive and being able to be here with my family.

On to the business.

My mom, sister, and I went to the car dealership once again today (Nissan) to try to get a car. Well it actually was way more faster and efficient today that I almost peed in my pants because I thought I was going to drive out with a new car, however, credit scores affected us getting the car and we ended up going home without one. BUT a lesson that I learned that stuck with me today is to really trust my mom and what she says. Pilipino moms are really blunt and sometimes just rude – example – my mom. She was really haggling with the dude to lower the price of 400 a month to 275. She got 280. At first I was like, “WOW I don’t want to do this anymore.” cause I felt how my mom was doing her business was rude and really just negative from how I saw things. But as she later explained, “Joaqui, I have 30 years of experience, you need to remember that. This is how you get what you want.” I kind of just sat back and pondered at what my mom said. She was right once again. It just bugged me because I never saw my mom haggle and well I guess thats how you haggle…shes fucking good if I might say so myself. But yeah, she taught me an important lesson today – if you want something real bad – you have to work to get it – no exceptions. She was telling the dealer, “Alright, I’m going to give you one last chance take it or leave it 275…wait 280. If you come back and its still 300, forget it!” Thats my mom in business mode. She got what she wanted, she stood firm.

Even though we ended up not having a new car, kind of wasted a sunny day indoors, I had more of an appreciation to my mom in how she wanted to “give me an early birthday present” and even though her tactics to getting what she wanted was annoying to me, she did her best to get the car. That in itself just made me smile and well be grateful I have a mom like her. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I was disappointed, but that “car” issue is the last of my worries. I swear my attitude has just really help me to have patience and understanding.

My brother pissed me off though, his exact words to me last night was, “How you expect to pay for that car when you can’t even pay for dinner.” I was like wow you fucking bitch. But I understand why he’d say such a thing…he’s broke himself. But it just irritated me that fuck I’m getting my grind on up in SF, with a job, and trying to help the family at the same time (SOON) and he has the nerve to say shit like that. Its like, foo you don’t know what I’ve been through these past 5 years since I left for college. I mean fuck, you still think I like anime and call me every time to your room with that “its important” kind of gesture to me. To add, just how he talks to my mom is fucking irritating. Its like no respect man. If I learned anything from SFSU, its that to appreciate your family – my mom most importantly. Its crazy to see how much I’ve changed and how much my relationship to my mom has changed. I reminisce the times where I did talk back to my mom and just yell at her, I sure didn’t know what I was doing – ha I thought I did.

Mothers know best and my mom knows best. It was like a moment in a movie where the mom goes and tells me, “He’s taking it out on me cause he just had a hard day.” I’m like OKAY wow, don’t take it out on you! Shit, I really don’t have a problem with stepping up to my brothers when they disrespect my mom like that. O HELL to the fucking no!

So that basically just irritated me last night, but its ok…he means well.

So I just had dinner with the fam – and well it was nice =] I love them. I had such a great dinner by my brother who pissed me off LOL hahahahahahahah you swear I haven’t eaten for days…ahhhhhhhh :X Anywho … I guess thats all I want to blog about my fam. Shrugs…

August 14, 2009

iljb#43: Wounds are still healing…

The last person I ended up “doing stuff” with kissed (that meant something) was J. I know I must have been some kind of blind fool to have been so on it when he was down, but honestly my intentions was pure and honest. However, one thing led to another and I ended up doing something that I wished I prevented. Didn’t help that I was drunk and he was lightweight buzzed. I did like him, but I didn’t want to get into something serious…just start talking.

But again, I was stupid…he just got out of something serious. How could I have competed with someone who spent their days with J? I had nothing on him – only that I knew how to treat another man right. But that was just it…I wanted to treat J right…but instead I stumbled and fell too quick. I was naive…I know, but after a month having passed, not hearing one word from him, and well leaving last “desperate” sounding text for attention…it does still get to me. Especially with what I ended up stumbling on.

Youtube is such a tease in that, you can see that person, but only see and hear what they have to say…not what you have to say. Anyway, I ended up watching Js youtube and it just struck me…made me question…Are you still with that guy?

Like I said, my wounds are still healing and even though nothing was officially serious…I did open up to him when in the very beginning when we started to talk…I rejected him. HA. How the world turns. I swear.

I’m okay, I am. It just reminded me of him is all. But I will say this, I bought the song that he described to me…everytime I hear it…I think about his past…sigh.

– – –

I’ll blog about it tomorrow, but I came home realizing that I do have a lot of obligations to attend to…some good…some bad…

August 13, 2009

iljb#42: Getting shit done and out of the way

Simply put, I am hustling my way through August. I am so grateful however for all the opportunities thats this summer has offered to me. Many job opportunities (however many failed attempts), relationships (friends and significant wanna bes), quality time with family, and most importantly hanging out with the wonderful friends. I must say that this summer, regardless of the downside of things, has been the best yet that I have experienced. It feels so right, feels so good, it feels like I am where I am supposed to be.

Less than a week from now, I will be embarking on a trip down to SoCal and officially be free from being poor ūüėÄ haha hopefully fin. aid kicks in before we leave *CROSSES FINGERS*. You never can tell anymore due to budget cuts. Anywho, this whole trip and this upcoming year is just slowly creeping closer than I thought. A week ago I couldn’t believe it was August. Now we in mid August and I can’t believe my birthday is coming up!

Twenty friggin three. What an awesome number. Esp. since I will be turning 23 on the 23rd! ūüėÄ I love it. I can’t help but smile and be grateful for all the blessings that I have been bestowed in my life. Everyday is a blessing. Everyday I know that it will be a good day!

It would be nice if I had someone to share it with – but like I said in my recent video, I’m glad I’m single and I am happy. But you know, I can’t help but have those feelings of wanting someone. I think its just human nature to want/be with someone. We come in pairs in a way haha. I’m just assuring myself that once the semester kicks in I will bump into that wonderful guy that I have been thinking of.

It was nice to feel giddy at Intramura and seeing that guy. He was so fione! haha Ralph knows him, or I think he does since I checked facebook lol. *STALKER* okayy haha. But it was fun having a lil exciting added to the night. I won a balikbayan box LOL ugh I wished for it HAHA damnit! DAMN the secret.

On another side note, today I felt so productive because out of the list that I wrote down for today, I basically got over half of it done. I’m so proud of myself. I get shit done and out of the way mother fuckkass!

I just can’t wait till school starts and my real grind begins. I think this fall sem. will be my hardest in a long time. It will test me in so many ways that I’m scared, but more so excited and hopefully.

What will come will come. I just have to pray and know for the best =] …Tis all for this wonderful Thursday. Goodnight world.

July 27, 2009

iljb#40: Feeling happy? OKAY!

Its my day off and I feel so productive. I started off the day being groggy and lazy, but after an hour or 2 I started to get stuff done. However, the BIG task ahead are still left unfinished, but the small distractions have definitely helped my momentum in getting my list done. I’ve vlogged about creating a “list” everyday of what you want to get accomplished and truth be told, it has been a success. I feel so accomplished knowing that what I wanted to get done that day is being checked off slowly but surely.

Hooray for  lists! =]

I’m actually very proud of myself because organizing my side of the room has made me feel a lot better about where I sleep and how things are organized. MAN, can I just say Maxwell is such a good ear candy right now while I blog on this gloomy Monday. No really – AH! Anyway, I look at my room right now and I feel so good about it. I am such a neat freak LOL. Everything is so organized and so neat – it makes me want to take a picture of it. POSSIBLY, we’ll see lol, but I feel so refreshed. *BREATHE* ahhhhhh it feels good. =]

I’ve had my humps these past few days, but I think overall I’m going head strong in being positive. I feel the strength in me to be that change I want to see. I feel so good about the future and my dreams. Its scary to think in a few months I will be a FULL FLEDGE senior ready to graduate. You know what that means right? All these deadlines to keep with with, tests, midterms, and finals to ACE. But no doubt, I am ready for the challenge. The challenge is coming, but right now I’m just taking my time in relaxing. I have these couple of days off this week that I will take advantage of! SUPER excited =]. Side note – I don’t think I got that job for Patelco, but I think its okay…as long as I have a job I’m fine. Jamba is pretty chill with my schedule so I’m not trippin as much. I’m SO EXCITED. ugh I sound like a broken record lol.

I must admit, these past weeks have been really good for me in that I haven’t put guys as my main priority. Its not even on the list in fact – which is nice. I’m really focused and really motivated for this school year that I know having a relationship will fuck things up. I gotta be selfish now, this is the time, no time for mistakes, just improvements! I CAN, I will, I believe! But I have been thinking how great it would be if there was a guy on my level who would sweep me off with their charm…but thats just farfetched right now. I can’t let a guy hold me down – no matter how cute they might be! lol fucking shit. NOT NOW, not right now.

Did I mention I signed up for “saynow.com”. I’m feeling it! I like it. ITS COOL! =] All I’m going to say.

I’m surprised this is blog 40! WOW haha =] thats awesome.

NOW – its story time ladies and gents.

“Friendship is never a battle, but a constant win!” – Joaquin

I’m not saying friendships are easy and I’m not saying friendship never have their arguments, but what I am saying is – through all that mess its always a win because you are always by that persons side through thick and thin! Additionally, its just a reminder that friendships are a treasure and if done right, it will feel like you’ve won the greatest prize of all – each other (lol). But real talk, my story goes way back – back into time.

You see, I was never part of the “in group”. I was never the “cool kid”, never was a part of a clique. I was the kid who always wanted to “fit in”. I always wanted to see where I would fit in. I tried many groups – different friendships in elementary school through high school, but I would always find myself questioning my friendships. I recall in middle school writing to a girl, “a popular girl”, asking her if she was my friend. The need for approval and the need to be wanted was something I craved for even on to my freshman/sophomore year in college.

I did things to prove I was cool. I dressed a certain way, said certain things, tried to fit in. But I knew deep down it wasn’t me. Its taken me a long, long time to understand the true meaning of knowing your worth. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I’m good enough to be your friend, if anything it comes naturally. However, through my years in school, I always stayed neutral when it came to cliques. I didn’t want to be classified as nerdy nor did I wanna be classified as popular, cause I was neither, I was just me. I was never part of a group of big friends because I kept those who really knew me close. However, even those who were close to me burned me…

Fast forward to college, I feel – no I know that the group of friends I do call close, have my back. The group of friends that I have are “popular” in my eyes. The group of friends I party, cry with, gossip, laugh with, experience the good and bad times are my ride or die! I have their back like they have mine and I don’t even question it for a minute. I don’t second guess if they love me, are my friends, or whatever – there are no insecurities when I call, talk, message MY friends. I feel comfortable being myself. Being GAY. Being ME! Being JOAQUIN! I didn’t actually need to prove to them my worth because they already saw that from the get. I was just to scared to believe that THESE PEOPLE (freshman year) were inviting me to hang out! These “cool people” are asking me to be their friend and part of their group!

Well, I’m part of that “cool group” since 2006! Five years later…I’m still partying, cry with, gossiping, laugh with, experiencing the good and bad times with my ride or die. I don’t need to search for the “cool group” because I am in one! Like Mary said,

“How are you so damn COOL if you have no one left who cares.”

Exactly, these friends of mine already know I’m cool, supper sickkkk with it! I’m fly, I’m amazing, I’m wonderful in their eyes! So what more could I ask for? Why do I need to search for other friendships? Yeah, I’m exclusive with these folks for a reason, because for the longest time I never felt I belonged anywhere…I never felt I was wanted or needed. Now (actually for a while now), for the first time in my life – I’m going to claim this as my group, my clique, my ride or die! No matter what goes down from here on, I got their backs like they got mine.

And the beautiful part of it is – they’re my family!

So who are you trying to impress? Why are you trying to fit into another group if you already belong? Mmmm or maybe all this time – you never did.

November 2, 2008

RANTS

I’ll spend a few mins just typing out my thoughts, since thats the only way I get through stuff now a days…in my thoughts. Its crazy how theres so much information in my brain that it can create me not to function correctly cause theres so much clutter in there. Well heres my house cleaning.

Thank you Erwin for keeping up with my life and letting me know wassup. I haven’t gotten to text you back or nothing just cause I suck at getting back at people, but just know I really appreciate it. My thanks also go out to Kellz, Justin, and not so important. Thanks for leaving your love and feedback. ‚̧ They do help.¬†

My life right now…mmm how can I sum it up…unstable. There…cause I still feel like I don’t have a grasp of my life even after Friendship Games. I feel like I’m moving…my body is…but theres nothing in me thats really functioning. Its as if I’m a hallow body moving through life. Nothing too exciting has happened in my life, just bad luck on my end. When I got back from Friendship Games I found that I lost my debit card. A few days later I went to celebrate Ryans 21st and D&Bs and I lost my phone for an hour at that damn place. Luckily I was able to find it. Then a few days ago at work, these folks came in to give me a GRAND prize of going to vegas for only 50 dollars with some other free stuff included, but because I didn’t have my debit card, they couldn’t give it to me. Instead they gave me a 200 dollar pizza hut coupon thing. When I left work, the FREE pizza coupon was lost…-_- ugh…Bad luck has just been getting the best of me lately…especially since I’m feeling sick now! FACK! You can’t help but wonder why things happen the way they do especially when you’re just trying to live LIFE!. Maybe its because I haven’t been going to church since that time I went to church and the priest was spreading PROP 8 to the congregation. -_-. Weird thing is…FAMILY is doing good right now. I feel like I’m much more comfortable with family right now than all other things, which is different because usually its the other way around. Friends are alright too, but I feel things could be better.

I’m really glad that I have friends that I can call my own and if I feel like I need anything, they’re there to help me. But sometimes, I feel like some of my friends are only here when I need favors. Like theres a missing element that has been bugging me. A few months ago I felt like my friends and I were on top of the world…but now it seems like we’re in two different worlds. I don’t think many of them see it…well the particular individuals that I’m talking about…but it sucks to realize that currently…they’re not there in your life when you need them, but only a selected few. And meeting half way is the only thing I can do. “Hey are you okay?” or “Whats been going on whats up.” When I get closed ended answers…I can’t do much with that. I just feel like sometimes…I’m left wondering…why the hell do I call you my friend. (And if you think this section is about you, then maybe it is). I went through some shit these past few months and its crazy how I was able to deal with the shit I had to…without you. Now that sounds weird for me to say because I would think my closest friends would want to know, or want to HELP, or what to just be there at my lowest low. I guess whats bugging me is that when I needed “you”…you weren’t there to pick me up when I fall. We act like we’re strangers…-_- ugh

On a different note, my living situation is…well has bugged me for a lil bit. I swear, aren’t we all adults? Living in an adult world? If thats the case, why do I feel like I’m baby sitting? For me the biggest issue I have are dishes. I mean real talk, if you’re gonna use a dish, wash a dish. Or at least clean it and leave it in the sink so folks can reclean it. Cause it sucks when dishes are left out for like 5 days and the shit left on the dishes become hard to get off. I just can’t believe it…things are so elementary when it comes to cleaning to me, but for some of my roommates, its hard to comprehend. Like real talk, own up to your shit. THERE AIN’T NO FUCKING MAID THAT LIVES WITH US! However, I take on that¬†responsibility¬†myself because I surely can’t live in a pig stye. Now a days, I only clean when I know it is getting out of control. It sucks because I fucking set up things for people to do. Like TRASH. I take it out and put it out so folks can just take it…but no…no one feels like its their¬†responsibility¬†to take it. It sucks because I see folks be playing video games, watching tv, on the internet surfing…but they can’t take 5 mins out of their life to CLEAN. REAL talk, it took me fucking an hr to clean up the apartment one time because everyone failed to do their cleaning job…the next day…EVERYTHING was trashed again. LIKE foreal? Where is the respect in that? Did yal parents raise you right? Or did they raise you to where you have people clean after you? I had a cleaning list up for this apartment, but I took it down cause I felt like it was disrespectful for me to have one, taking my time to make it, and no one follows through. Like real talk, folks would kill to have a cleaning list, but folks take this shit for granted. And as a result…my apartment right now doesn’t know what to do…what to clean…cause they don’t know who is next on the cleaning list…but wait…that doesn’t mean you STOP FUCKING CLEANING THE APARTMENT! Like real talk…its so elementary. I’m waiting for someone to tell me, “hey Jar, can you please put the cleaning list up.” because I would put it back up because it shows folks really need it or want it back. Because theres a lack of NEED for one…fuck it…Its soo dumb…I work at jamba and clean dishes…and then I have to come back home and clean more dishes. Hella disrespectful. I spend hella time in the kitchen just cleaning after these pigs. I don’t fucking get it…like don’t you feel¬†embarrassed? Don’t you feel any guilt that one of your roommates is taking on cleaning for 5 other people? Thats fucking wrong. Fuck…if you got fucking time to CHILL, you got fucking time to clean up your shit…and I’m¬†embarrassed¬†cause our friends come over hella times and for them to come in and be all “whats that smell” or “do you want me to help you clean” is sad…real talk…This apartment right now sucks…sorry

I don’t fucking know where I’m going with my academics. I feel like I’m in the middle of¬†succeeding and failing…more so failing…I feel like I’m not up to par on where I should be with my major or everything else. I’m half asses everything. And I feel like I don’t know why that is. WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE THE FUCK is my motivation? Its gone…completely gone…it sucks because by now, I would have been a little more motivated to do shit…but it sucks because real talk…I want to give up on school…I’m learning…but not taking anything in…I fucking suck at life right now…I feel like the things that surround me are fucking me up…FUCKING ME UP…I don’t know…I feel like I don’t deserve to be in a state school…a fucking state school…I feel like I should just quit and just get a job at burger king. FUCK it….I’m fucking tired…-_- ugh…

Relationships…fuck…I feel like its not a priority…but I feel like it something that I’m craving for at the same time. I don’t know…I just feel like it sucks to see couples around holding and kissing each other…ESPECIALLY during this fucking holiday season. I fucking hate it…ugh…I don’t know…I’m searching when I shouldn’t be. I’m slowly getting over things…and I’m glad…because I can actually breathe without you¬†suffocating¬†me…I’m a wreck…I feel like one…I’m slowly realizing a factor to why I’m single. I start something…and I feel like I can’t commit…I have BIG commitment issues…and its rare for me to commit in something…I feel like thats the cause of why I’m still single…fuck where is that guy who will be like on ma jock, want to get to know me, say cute humorous things, do cute humorous things, just do the fucking damn thing to impress me. WHY the fuck I gotta do all the work, nig…I’ve been there done that…fuck I just gotta sit back now…fuckk…

SIGH…I’ma cut it right here, theres too much emotions and too little time to be wasted on this blog…real mother fucking talk…ugh…FUCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!¬†

Is this seasonal depression…or is this stress…or just a combination of both…cause if its both…oh fuck…

Greetings from the BakitWhy Team.
Believe it or not, BakitWhy will be in San Francisco on Saturday, November 15, 2008 for BakitWhy’s NorCal Mixer!

As a big “thank you”, we’ll be coming together as one Pilipino-American community by bringing the audiences of the entire Northern California area together at this exciting community mixer!

Date & Time:
Saturday, November 15, 2008
5pm – 10pm

Location:
BakitWhy NorCal Mixer
Bayanihan Community Center
1010 Mission Street, Suite B
San Francisco, CA 94103

With Special performances by:

MissCarolinexoxo
Kayla

Also at this event we will be having FREE FOOD and more!

Please spread the word, BakitWhy will be in SF on November 15, all are welcome!


See you all there soon!

October 22, 2008

Prop h8te!

I decided to highlight this blog that I found about Prop 8.
—¬†
Ben ‘s Blogs

10/21/08 03:37 PM 
Some of my research on Prop 8…¬†

This document is specifically dedicated to Proposition 8 on the California ballot this coming Nov 4th 2008. I am not speaking out against anyone’s faith or religion. I strongly recommend seeing “For the Bible Tells Me So” for information regarding that, or you can call me and we can talk.¬†

I would like to examine some of the claims that are being made by the proponents of Proposition 8. 

1. “If proposition 8 passes, gay marriage will have to be taught in the public school system.”¬†

This is the biggest claim that “Yes on 8” is making. This is taken from California school code 51890. Code 51890 includes grades k-12 in the public school system. It is for comprehensive health education programs. The section regarding marriage specifically applies to the legal and financial aspects and responsibilities of marriage and parenthood. This class does not exist for kindergartners‚Ķ or even those of elementary school age. Somehow I don’t think they would understand the legal and financial aspects of a marriage. So this leaves us with the possibility that gay marriage will be taught in high school? Not quite. Again, this class only teaches the financial and legal aspects of marriage‚Ķ not who to love and not why we love. Also, this class is only a requirement for school districts seeking state funds for health education, which not every school does. Furthermore, the “yes on 8” campaign left out code 51914. Code 51914 states, “No plan shall be approved by the State Board of Education unless it determines that the plan was developed with the active cooperation of parents, community, and teachers, in all stages of planning, approval, and implementation of the plan.” In addition to this, California law also gives parents broad authority to remove their children from any health instruction if it conflicts with their personal beliefs. I’d also like to point out that you must be kidding yourself if you think teenagers know nothing about sexuality.¬†

Also, in relation to the first claim, proponents of Prop 8 tend to point to the Massachusetts school system and what their children were being taught in public schools. I think everyone knows we live in California and not Massachusetts, right? We all know we have our own school codes? We do. See response to claim 1. 

2. “Churches can lose their tax exemptions.”¬†

There is no wording in Prop 8 that has anything to do with Churches or religious services. “No religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention to their religious beliefs.” (Official ruling by California State Supreme Court judges)¬†

3. “Prop 8 is about preserving marriage, it’s not an attack on the gay lifestyle.”¬†

Proposition 8 is not about preserving marriage. To “preserve marriage”, I recommend banning divorce. Proposition 8 is taking marriage rights away from everyday people. And by taking rights away from someone, I believe that is a direct attack on someone’s lifestyle.¬†

4. “The best situation for a child is to be raised by a married mother and father.”¬†

One of the areas that I’ve done extensive research on is the effects on children who are raised by homosexual parents. Each study has found the exact same thing. There is no difference. What the Psychological Association, The Pediatric Association, the American Anthropological Association, the Sociological Association, and countless others have concluded is this: a child is best situated when a committed couple is raising them. It has nothing to do with sexual preference, but it has everything to do with a strong commitment, such as marriage. Furthermore, it is found that homosexual couples have a much higher percentage rate of adopting mentally and physically disabled children.¬†

Proposition 8 blatantly states that it eliminates the rights of same sex couples to marry. No one deserves to have rights taken away from them. No one’s marriage deserves to be voided.¬†

If after reading this, you still are in favor of passing Proposition 8. I ask that you look directly into my eyes and tell me, “No, you are not equal.”¬†

Authored by Ben A., 2008. 

October 20, 2008

Foolish

See my days are cold without you 
But I’m hurtin while im with you¬†
And though my heart can’t take no more¬†
I keep on running back to you 
See my days are cold without you 
But I’m hurtin while im with you¬†
And though my heart can’t take no more¬†
I keep on running back to you 

Baby I don’t know why ya treatin me so bad¬†
You said you love me, no one above me 
And I was all you had 
And though my heart is eating for ya 
I can’t stop crying¬†
I don’t know how¬†
I allow you to treat me this way and still i stay 

See my days are cold without you 
But I’m hurtin while im with you¬†
And though my heart can’t take no more¬†
I keep on running back to you 
See my days are cold without you 
But I’m hurtin while im with you¬†
And though my heart can’t take no more¬†
I keep on running back to you 

Baby I don’t know why ya wanna do me wrong¬†
See when I’m home, I’m all alone¬†
And you are always gone 
And boy, you kno I really love you 
I can’t deny¬†
I can’t see how you could bring me to so many tears¬†
after all these years 

See my days are cold without you 
But I’m hurtin while im with you¬†
And though my heart can’t take no more¬†
I keep on running back to you 
See my days are cold without you 
But I’m hurtin while im with you¬†
And though my heart can’t take no more¬†
I keep on running back to you 
Oohhhhh 
I trusted you, I trusted you 
So sad, so sad 
what love will make you do 
all the things that we accept 
be the things that we regret 
too all of my ladies (ladies) feel me 
c’mon sing wit me¬†
See, when I get the strength to leave 
You always tell me that you need me 
And I’m weak cause I believe you¬†
And I’m mad because I love you¬†
So I stop and think that maybe 
You can learn to appreciate me 
Then it all remains the same that 
You ain’t never gonna change¬†
(never gonna change, never gonna change) 
See my days are cold without you 
But I’m hurtin while im with you¬†
And though my heart can’t take no more¬†
I keep on running back to you 
See my days are cold without you 
Butm hurtin while im with you 
And though my heart can’t take no more¬†
I keep on running back to you 

Baby why you hurt me leave me and desert me 
Boy I gave you all my heart 
And all you do is tear it up 
Looking out my window 
Knowing that I should go 
Even when I pack my bags 
This something always hold me back

October 15, 2008

I get like this …

I get like this when I’m alone and sitting under the sun at state. Its crazy to just remind myself…you’re a friggin senior on this campus (not graduating though) and you pretty much know the ins and outs of this campus better than most. However, why do I feel at times like I am still lost and still trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing in my major. Sure I’m taking classes to enhance my understanding about the world. Sure I’m writing essays and responses to condition myself to write properly. BUT what the hell am I really doing? Where the hell am I going with my life.¬†

Some of my friends are graduating this year and yes some of them are still unsure what they’re going to be doing after graduation, but I know that they have a better handle on their career than I do. Its like a paper without a thesis, there’s no relevance or importance without a guide or direction.¬†

I’m good at graphic design, I have concepts, I can’t think of creative¬†models, but …what the hell am I going to do with that if I don’t know what internships I’m going to take, how I’m going to get there, what aspect of design I want to focus. UGH, I know that I’m taking 370 for a reason, but its so¬†tedious¬†that it discourages me to get real in depth with my major. Much like my communication class. The only class in which I felt like I really gained a perspective on DAI is my history class. Though I might not remember all of what I learned, I know for a fact that I learned something!¬†

I’m learning everyday to really appreciate where I am. I really take this environment and experience for granted A LOT! I don’t mean to, but the fact that I am in the motions of growing up and learning from my mistakes, I just forget a lot of times that I am¬†privileged¬†to have this education, environment…feel me?

I just had a hugeeeeee HUGEEE upset in my life not to long ago and it just fucked up my whole mode of doing things. I know I should have known better to let things like THAT get in the way, but risks is another factor in making this experience worth while. However, its gotten the best of me. I turned in the worst paper of my life, I have obligations to settle, a slideshow for a debutant, work, and midterms to really hash out. Did I forget to mention I need to fit in sleep in there some how? 

Life is only complicated when you don’t have control of it. I feel like I’m starting to regain it slowly. The choices I make impact my future. I NEED TO REMIND MYSELF THAT. I’m not here for guys, I’m not here for friendship, I’m not here to fuck around anymore…I am here for my future. MY, NOT YOUR, FUTURE.¬†

I wish I was a little bit smarter. I wish I was a little bit more confident. I wish I had better social skills. I wish …

GO HARD OR GO HOME

October 13, 2008

The what the fucks of fucks

 

What the fuck? 

I’ve been on this mood for quite a week now and it still hasn’t disappeared. I’ve continued to make myself feel more and more like an idiot and day by day feel like a dumbass since I feel the way I do.

What the fuck? How do I feel? I feel like theres something inside of me that is itching to just get out. Something inside of me that needs to burst out and just yell out in the top of my lungs. However, something is shutting me up. For the past week or so, I’ve just been keeping it all in, or at least trying to. I’ve been just suffering from what I call, “POST DEPRESSION”, where I think of the worst and the worst gets the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCK? 

Now I know what I need to do, don’t need to tell me twice. I think I know myself better than anyone and advice I probably already know, but it still gets to me because this feeling of whatever the fuck it is, is important for me to experience. But again, I don’t think its working out in my best interest since this week is a bummer and pain and I have many deadlines to meet…that being at this state right now is probably not the favorable week to be in this state.¬†

What the fuck? I feel like I can move on. Scratch that…I know I will move on. BUT WHEN? WHEN can I move on when I feel like I’ve been at this stage and point for a week now…and going…seriously? I haven’t felt like this in a REAL long time. To the point where everything around me reminds me of the situation I’m in. Little things from peoples cars, purple, lighters, EVERYTHING. And its disheartening because I hate feeling this. Feeling like I can’t reason or¬†compromise¬†the situation. I hate this…I hate this part right here as Pussycat Dolls would say.¬†

WHAT THE FUCK! I feel like a suicidal wreck in that I am just not gonna make it through this week without killing myself (not literally gezz). I just don’t like this schedule…Starting off Monday by opening at Jamba was not what I call…a great start to the week. Especially since I feel so crappy. In addition, I just kept on falling asleep in my classes. REALLY though…I’ve never slept this bad in any of my classes. I could at least control it, but its just been SOOOO BAD that this thing…whatever the fuck this thing is thats messing me up…has just fucked up my whole routine.¬†

Its not so much about a person whos making me feel this way, but rather the situation. The factors that play in this is just totally fucked up. And though I might tell myself…I wouldn’t change anything if I could…I probably would take a rain check on this for another time. This is bullshit and thats all I can say.¬†

I can’t believe its gotten to me this bad. This feeling of feeling like a dumb ass. Feeling so¬†uncontrollably¬†emotionally wrecked, feel me? Like I don’t know what to do with my life. When I wake up every morning…I feel like I’m wasting it…I feel like I don’t have my priorities in check…I feel like I messed up a month worth…where I could have done something more productive.¬†

WHAT…the fuck…

Its gotten to the point where I do want to cry. Maybe even break down…but I’m too tired to shed any tears. Too tired to even speak about how I feel, instead just write them out. It takes too much effort feel me? Especially with judgmental friends that I have (its not a bad thing by the way). I just feel like …I lost a lot of me in this process. I LOST a HUGE PART of my individuality…like who the fuck is Joaquin? CUASE I SURE DONTLIKEJOAQUIN! Feel me…

I fucking screwed myself over with this whole business. I screwed myself over and I feel like shit. I feel like this because I put myself in this position where I am complaining and ranting on and on about the same fucking situation/emotion that I have been for the past week. I feel like I’m not even myself…I feel like in a way…a small way…I’m being fake with the folks around me. TRYING TO SMILE…when I know everything is fucked up inside. I try to avoid it…but moments when I am left alone with my own thoughts…get the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?

I need to check my life…start folding my laundry…clean my act…start moving to a better place…because the place I’m at is dark and lonely…and you know what happens when we’re in that situation…

ITS TAKES A LONG FUCKING TIME TO GET OUTTA IT…

I got a ticket out…I’m taking the next train and getting the fuck outta this bullshit.

October 7, 2008

Frustrated

I just don’t fucking get it? STILL, I know I’m not over it, but please, how can you blame me. THE SHIT I DID was like…fucking priceless…the guy was…FUCK! I dunno. To know that I was just another name in his book of people hes done this to boggles my mind. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LIVE LIKE THAT? Why do you live like that? How do honestly expect me to believe you when I don’t even know if what you’re telling me is a lie? FUCK! Where is your integrity? Ya sure you can talk about how smart you are and use your¬†vernacular¬†to express how you feel, however, you’re poor decisions make you look and be a dumbass in many peoples eyes. Though I said, I would be your friend, I don’t see it…

I FUCKING DONT GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were the perfect lyric to my love song. You were the apple on my tree. You were…FUCK!!! I don’t get it!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? PLEASE help me understand. “HE” already told me you wouldn’t confess to your wrongs, yet its like…don’t I at least get a lil explanation for your actions? I know you read this shit. COME ON! Like real talk…what the fuck? Why do I deserve this? I was nothing but fucking nice to you.¬†

Please, help me understand. I’m a fucking understanding person. PLEASE! PLEASE! -_-¬†

FUCKKK!!! I’m sooo ughhhh YOU ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED! THE FUCK!!!!

I think thats why I’m angry. FUCK…real talk…ugh…fuck this…FUCKKKK

October 5, 2008

Open wounds take time to heal

I’m not sure why I chose this road to take. Not sure if I was meant to really be here. I had a choice. I was at a crossroad. I decided to take the one that most people heeded me to not take. I went with conviction, however, I ended up loosing track of where the road led me, and here I am…lost in my own stupid choices.¬†

Its hard to not feel like you’re the stupidest person in the world when you know you could have prevented your fate. Its really hard to just keep pushing on and try to dust it off, when you know its still hanging on your shoulders. I just have so many questions to ask. So much bullshit internally to shuffle through. I am unsure of what lies for me in the near future.¬†

I’m broken because of lies. Lies that have taken over my life and have taken control of my actions. LIES. And you say, “TRUST is something important.” Unfortunately, we sometimes don’t follow what we preach. Sometimes all you need is that one person to tell you, “HEY I’m not single. I’m actually dating someone” instead of beating around the bush and faithfully believing their statements they¬†falsely¬†say to you.¬†

Actions truly speak louder than words in this case. I just can’t believe it. I’m so burned out that it has affected how I function at school. I’m sleep deprived. I’m… emotionally drained…

I don’t know how to function around guys anymore. I feel so…broken. I feel like…I fucked up major. I’m stupid to believe all the lies that were said to me. Even though you say they weren’t…they ultimately are lies…our “friendship” is based on a lie. I just don’t understand. I need time to heal and you damn right its gonna hurt, but I will forgive your trespasses for we all are human and we do make big mistakes.¬†

I’m sorry. You’re only sorry cause you got caught. Shrugs…

I’m sorry for pushing for this. I’m sorry that I believed in something true. I’m sorry I fell for someone like you.¬†

I can only handle so much…ya know…it hurts…I cry…fuck…I’m stupid…you thought I was strong. You thought you knew me…look at me now…fucking sorry…

I live in a world where I believe everyone to be good…boy…am I wrong.¬†

This open wound…will take time to heal…and in the process…I’ll be able to be whole again.

October 5, 2008

whats new? nothings changed

Before I go to work, I want to vent. I want to just let things out. I realize last night, I was a very much a hot mess…I couldn’t stop crying. Even if I wanted to. I couldn’t. I cried myself to sleep and it worked. I didn’t know what else to do you know – but cry. In these past year, this is the second time I’ve cried like that.¬†Uncontrollable¬†and¬†unbearable – But this is the first time I cried like that alone…

I kept on telling myself, you’ll be okay…but the fact of that matter is…it just kept on creeping up on me and tears would just fall. I was trying to make a¬†sandwich¬†and I started crying. I feel¬†embarrassed¬†because my friends knew I was crying – they weren’t there in time to talk to me since I feel asleep. Its embarrassing because I kept on saying, “Sorry”. Sorry because they were right and I didn’t believe them.¬†

When you start believing your heart more than your brain and friends…thats when you know you got a situation to address. Thats what I did for the past month…wow…its been a month…damn what a rush huh?

I don’t regret anything. If anything, I am thankful for the experience. I’ve learned the virtue of¬†patience¬†and the fun in being¬†spontaneous. I believed in myself too much. I always do…but this time…I shouldn’t have.¬†

Theres a lot going on in my mind…theres a lot to grasp…

But one things for sure…I ain’t hatin haha. Especially not in this situation. Aside from how it came to an end. Everything before that was just…made me smile. Everything was just…I figured I might as well since I never been in something like this before…

You know, I couldn’t even finish SPAM and stick around…I just…I never been that down on myself for a long time…I really haven’t. I just feel like this seems all too familiar. This situation…this setting…

Left without explanations…left me FUCKED up.

Like I said…I was a hot mess last night…

Its like…You want to believe that it wont happen again. That this person is different. You say this with conviction and you believe in your heart that truly this is worth it. You let go of everything and everyone and work for the damn thing…You’re honest and your faithful, not letting any other person try to get at you. You give them the benefit of the doubt. However, this is exactly like before…

I gave you the benefit of the doubt.

And you wonder why I’m single? And you wonder why the hell I’m crazy like I am? And you wonder why I don’t let people in. Because in moments like these, people like these…that fuck up the rest for everyone.¬†

I know my worth…Mary and Vince…I know my worth…but sometimes its just hard to realize that when you feel like the one your crushing on doesn’t. Feel me. I know what I was getting myself into…Mary and Vince…I just didn’t believe it was true until I heard or saw it from the person.¬†

And what do I say to this person now? What do I think? Like I

¬†said…I ain’t hatin. I really don’t have time to. I feel so …that I can’t shuffle through my emotions just yet. I don’t hate you. Some day I’d like to be your friend – since what we had was that right? But right now…It really hurts…shrugs…it really hurts. ¬†

I just don’t understand why I had to be that person that you picked to do this to. Why I wasn’t worth your time to tell me hey…I already got something going on. Feel me. I gave many chances for you to tell me wassup. But since you didn’t I believed that what other people were saying were false and that you were being real with me. What was I supposed to do when I was already in deep feel me? I was already interested.¬†

I don’t understand why I deserved this. I was nice to you. I did nothing to you…I really don’t get it?

Nothings changed…I’m still single…still stupid…I should’ve listened carefully…Its crazy because unintentionally, a song played yesterday that described how I felt…

Corrinne May – On The Side Of Me

I’m not the easiest person to love
I’m often the one who lets things go unresolved (I knew it before I got into it)

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Yet you choose to be 
on the side of me
on the side of me (yeah I did)

I’m not too proud of some things¬†
I’ve done in my life
The skeletons in my closet 
Are too big for me to hide (I saw all that, yet I still stuck by you)

Yet you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
Blessed Charity
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

‘Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go
I remember when nobody cared
but you (I tried to be that person who never treated you right…shrugs)

I’m not the easiest person to love
But you, you’ve opened your heart to show me what I’m worth (unfortunately…I apparently don’t know mine)

‘Cause you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me
What a mystery
You’re on the side of me
on the side of me

‘Cause everyone needs a friend to hold
when it’s cold outside
and there’s no place to go
Everyone needs a friend to hold
all alone I cried
there was no place to go

I remember when nobody cared
I remember when nobody cared
Nobody cared
But you

Yeah you choose to be
on the side of me
on the side of me

 

I’ll be ok…thanks for the support friends ‚̧ real talk.

September 25, 2008

You sure was

I am on my DAY 3 hype and I’m doing a lot A LOT better. I’m glad I’m able to just pick myself like I did within these couple of days. I just realized the kind of WORTH I am to myself.

With the wise words of Vincent, know your worth Рstrive to get someone whos worth your time and whos at least good looking as you are. 

TRUE! But he also said, I think you don’t go for top notch cause you feel like you’re not worth it – or fear of rejection.¬†

TRUE! But I dunno…its weird…I seen my first ex on campus during practice. He locked eyes and for a second it was just me and him…then I turned my head as if I didn’t see him…he was smoking as usual. I saw him walk away, but I also saw him turn back right when I was looking at him. I quickly pretended not to see him. WHY DID I DO THAT? I could have waved…I dunno…hes mean. lol =/ mmm interesting though…Then I get a call from my recent ex and he was asking me if I was going to fuz and I was like NO! wth…and like he was trying to find a conversation to start with me and I had nothing to give him. It goes to show that I really am hard to get to know/read when I want to be.

Oh I dunno what this blog is about but…sigh…I’m still single! haha