Archive for ‘work’

May 17, 2011

iljb#160: MOVING PAINS


I’m not trying to please anyone, for awhile now, I’ve been making sure I please myself – do me, make sure to count on myself because in the end its my life and I can only count on myself to make this life count.

Its been so hard – feeling uncertain that my check for the 27th will be enough…I dunno if any of this OT will do any good…I feel like all the OT is not gonna add up…at least for this coming check…As much as I have this “money comes and goes” attitude…I need to be more careful with it, esp. these coming weeks. ITS def. become more evident that even though I have everything in life that I’ve worked for – that I really need to start being careful with it.

These past two days I’ve only eaten one meal…starving myself just to save a few bucks until Friday…sounds real stupid right? I feel like these couple of weeks I’ve just been temporarily doing things to help me avoid my feelings about certain things. These temporary highs…look at where its gotten me…

FUCK gas is so expensive…

This week has definitely come…and I feel like I fucked myself over…Friday is a fucking mess…with Vince’s grad, moving, then Sters bday. Saturday I plan to do OT and attend Sters bday lunch. Then Sunday is FilGrad…o man…so how do I do laundry and go to UC before all this? Counting on myself for all this…sigh…I understand how people have certain priorities in life…and are busy…I know the feeling. I try and do my best, the best I can at that moment, to be there for folks…even when shit in my life is so jumbled…but I don’t feel I get it in return…thats expecting too much…and I’ve learned expecting things from people end up in big disappointments.

I’ve spent a lot of time with family recently…I feel good…its nice being back home…I feel like I learn more about my past than I have in previous years. My family is being blessed month by month with all the blessings God has recently given my family. My faith in God is slowly strengthened each day…I pray that I can be a good Christian and put my faith in him with all my problems…My job, I feel like I am so lucky to have the job that I do have – I’ve been working my ass off to just make it this month and next month…its been hard…I’ve been tired. As far as my friendships…they’re there…I just can’t fully give my all to them right now because I’m so occupied with all this moving and feelings I have…they know this cause I’ve said it to them. It doesn’t mean I care less about them…I just am taking care of myself because if I don’t I’m going to fall hard. Can’t give my 100% to others, if I can’t even do that for myself.

I feel ok…I feel hurt…these few weeks were definitely a roller coaster ride…I talk to myself a lot these days…

I’m moving…it hurts…its happening

February 12, 2011

Couldn’t help but remind myself

February 11, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE

First and foremost, I must say that I am proud of what I am creating on youtube and on this wordpress. I feel as though its really integrating my videos and a little more explanation to why I did that video. I like it, I’m really doing it yal – like I said I would. I’m excited and its going to be a slow process, but I am doing my best in keeping my word about what I said I would do this year with youtube. I’m giving you roomies more of me than I have in past months and its all me…100%. I appreciate all the continued support, questions, subscriptions, etc. ITS HARD WORK, but its all worth it in the end. I just wanted to just do this side note before I begin ;).

So this was definitely something I wanted to do for a long time now. I haven’t written poetry for about 2 years and it saddens me because poetry was my life – my outlet…when I was hurting this past year, I didn’t even use poetry to help me understand my emotions…shows how disconnected I have become to my words. Doing this hopefully will give me more inspiration to do more of this, work on it better, and become that writer I know I can be. Speaking of which, I miss my ILDD on wordpress. Search it and you’ll find a short series of stories. I’m gonna plan to do that as an addition to wordpress. So excited. I have so much creative juices flowing that I can’t wait to execute all of them ;), but remember I have a full time job and one me doing all this – I truly need an assistant haha.

SO this video was about not wanting a superhero – in a sense – not wanting to be saved by someone. We don’t need saving from anyone, we are perfectly fine saving ourselves. We’re strong and have hidden powers ready to burst. Like Katy Perry sings, “BABY YOU’RE A FIREEEEEWORKKK!” :D. I just got inspired with the word superhero and probably going to add a more legit poem and expand.

Ahh what a soso Friday…let my Saturday start off right 😉 I did laundry already, so now I can fully enjoy the sun =]

January 30, 2011

iljb#153: Too Fun SO Fun


I’ve just started to play Miguel’s album for this lovely Sunday morning. Its a really good album, no joke. (BIGGGG SIGH) What a night huh? haha I was sluttin it around with hella girl, esp my adings. HAHAH I love it cause they’re funny…I’m funny when I’m on one. AWWW Bryan hella took me out and I didn’t even get to hang out with as much just because I kept loosing him and he doesn’t know my friends and I don’t know his, so it was so awkward haha. BUT I did make it a point to give him attention, so I tried to do my best, but I couldn’t help but go back to my adings because they kept pulling me back to them. AHAHAH too funny =]. I enjoyed my 3rd day of my first weekend! AHHH, yesterday I got to spend time with my family down in embarcadero at Butterly. It was good and a nice view of the bay…well it woulda been nicer if it wasn’t foggy. BOO! But yeah I enjoyed my time with my family and I really feel like …we can all have a conversation with one another and I’m included. I dunno just because I never felt I could talk to them, but I was able to talk to my brothers about jobs, phones, and everything in between. It was nice. Yesterday was nice too cause lol I went shopping. LOL ughh…I spent a shit load yesterday…but its all good, I deserve it…its my way of saying you did the fucking thing this month in getting hired, efff it…go enjoy your money! ;D haha SAVING will be Feb, foreal foreal =]. Anyway, Ima enjoy the rest of my WONDERFUL sunday. =] Have a goooood one to whoever reads this. haha.

January 25, 2011

iljb#151: If I’m sad – LET ME BE SAD!

Today I was let go in my other job, the deli. It was unexpected and I was really sad soon after. I’ve been there for over a year and some months and I know I’ve complained about being tired, but I didn’t think me “quiting” would come so soon. I’m sad because I love that job. I really liked the people who I worked with. I spent a lot of time there. I worked my ass off for a year being there. This was the job that saved my ass from really breaking down during hard times. Sorry, but if I’m gonna be sad about this – I’m gonna be sad about this.

I HATE THE FACT THAT FOLKS ARE TO QUICK TO TELL ME TO MOVE ON SO QUICK – when honestly I’m not ready to move on. I haven’t really sunk it all in yet. It just happened a few hours ago…I still don’t know what the hell happened…

UGHH…I don’t need you to say anything. I just need a shoulder to cry on…

January 18, 2011

iljb#150: EPIC RELEASE

Before I reign in my new idea for my youtube, I decided I was going to prep before I do. I’ve been meaning to change a couple of things and be consistent with what I do on my channel. I still haven’t really had the time to sit down and plan it but my idea is that M TH S would be my video posts, Wed would be for wordpress and T Sun would just be free for me to just rest. Maybe Sun could be reply back Sunday lol. I dunno.

I know I really want to integrate my wordpress into it and also twitter…maybe Twitter Tuesdays? I dunno. But I’m glad I made the decision to debut stuff on the 24th. I was pleased with my mini trailer I made. It was so EPIC haha. But really, I want to start doing videos like I used to, esp. my gay series that I have neglected. I’ve done at least 30 gay series things…I wanna make an effort in really doing more. Also, replying back to my subscribers. I got this lady on FB msg me, thanking me for my videos that helped her. I am so blessed and fortunate to get these folks who msg me and take their time to msg me. I just feel really bad that I don’t get a chance to reply as soon as I’d like.

Shit thats what I need an assistant LOL. I want to like recruit my roomies to be an assistant. I think it could work too. 😀 haha. But it needs to be a roomie that I trust =P cause you know how that is lol. I really want to meet my roomies to or chat with them face to face. I do better with face to face rather than see their sn or something. I dunno…we’ll see…

I’ve been overworking myself…I did like 11hrs today and in a few hours I’ll be back doing another 10 -_____-. This is my weekly life 10hrs at work lol…fuck…it really is busy at work though =P womp…

SIGH…I got to do some videos today that I will hopefully edit soon, all of em happen to do with the GAY series…its nice =]. I wanna just relax…I don’t wanna get sick 😛 womp.

My car has been acting up…but nevertheless I’m grateful to even have a car =].

Oh and I totally enjoy this guy

January 16, 2011

iljb#144: After the rain…

Its been raining for a couple of weeks now and its only yesterday that the sun came out to play. I’m looking outside my window and I think the sun will be staying for a few more days. Funny how it does that…you’re freezing one minute then hot and bothered the next. This upcoming week is going to be great. I’m starting off right too by taking this personal day off from my hectic schedule. I guess I have to do “me time” every once and awhile, I mean if I don’t I’m going to be a hermit crab who’s really cranky all the time…then again I find myself like that to begin with haha. Since last night, I’ve began my “me time” in which I just do me. I tried to do a video, but I seriously failed at doing one. Maybe today will be better for a video. I have about like 7 videos that I haven’t posted because I’m too lazy to edit and I find myself just rambling. lol.

But I enjoyed my night last night because I actually fell asleep while watching finding nemo. Why is this a surprise, because I usually am not that tired and it felt nice to be that tired while falling asleep to a good movie. I woke up this morning and finished the movie – I ended up tearing up because it was a bitter sweet ending to Finding Nemo. Also, I was thinking about how I want to be a dad so bad and I probably would be like that to my kid. This was around 8:30sh…it is now 11am and I have yet gotten ready for the day. I’m supposed to go do laundry and hang out with family today. Pretty chill…Then the day ends with pretty little liars of sorts…and then sleep to wake up to another week of work. I can’t believe January is almost done…boy doesn’t it feel like the new year is just speeding by.

For me, I find life speeding by because I don’t ever have a break to just enjoy it like today. Its so rare. I even told my coworker yesterday that I’m about to quit this deli job, but she said hang on because its gonna close anyway…so I’m like torn…but shes right…I gotta hang on. I’m really fortunate to be where I am and I know I’m reminded of that each day I wake up. I have a wonderful life, with good people around, with a great job to support me. I guess after watching my cousins video, it reminded me that I shouldn’t be putting myself out there in the dating scene just yet…I mean I need to really be single single…which I haven’t done. But ain’t that always the case…I say this speech “I should be single” then find myself crushing on someone and being in a dating scene.

I guess you can’t help that, you know…it just happens. I think I’m coo off relationships right now because I rather live through other peoples relationships through movies/music videos/songs because at least I wont personally get hurt, but I can definitely feel happy for them and have a wishful thinking mindset.

I remember when I wrote a blog about my ideal guy…I think I might have to do that again…I couldn’t help but remind myself of my love – Danny the other day…I mean he really is so much a part of my year in 2010…I spent a lot of time with him and I feel all of that is just missing…I’ll get over it…I just can’t believe I am really that FUCKED that I can’t get over it. Then again I was thinking about Andy and Jimmy too…*rolls eyes* Those looks can kill, but they definitely don’t compliment where I am in my life.

WHERE am I in life? After the rain? I think its safe to say that the sunny weather and week ahead is a good foreshadowing of where I am in life…I’m ready to move on…move forward. Look at my future as one to cherish, love, enjoy. I have one life to live and I can’t spend it wasting away thinking about Danny – though I wonder what the hell he is thinking…how he is…if hes dating…ha…I wouldn’t be surprised…but let it be known for the record…no guy can do what I done for him….welll not someone soon at least LOL haha =]

Anyway…I should get ready for my day…super hungry and I don’t know where my family is -____- womp.