Archive for ‘Randomness’

June 15, 2011

iljb#162: BLACK GUYS




I honestly thought I was going to have a plethora of pictures, but it was actually more difficult to pick from the crop. I guess this will do for now 🙂 ahha ROMEISBURNING 🙂

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May 28, 2011

iljb#161: SUMMER 2011 RESOLUTIONS





Make the most of summer, make sure that I do me and make sure that I put myself first and my happiness first before anyone (depending on circumstances). Never will I put what I feel second to please someone else. Never will I do, say, go out of my way for someone to like me. People will like you for who you are, not what you front.

I want to take care of myself better. Be more healthier and continue to work out. I want to make sure I go see a physician for my back before summer ends and make sure that I take care of my over all well being.

I want to get everything in my apartment by the end of summer. I want a TV, a kitchen table, and mini chairs for my apt. I want to make this feel like home and not some place I just sleep in. Its slowly turning out great.

I want to make sure that I save money – spend less on food, and save more. I’ve done a lot of saving in the past few months, given my money out to folks/family/friends…now its time to really save for myself.

I will not have sex with a person this summer just to have fun. Starting today, I will make sure that anyone (which is no one lol) who wants to get it in, I will make sure that I don’t just FUCK to just have fun, but fuck because we’ve known each other for awhile…lol smh…so its gonna be a dry summer huh? LOL

I will do my best to keep a smile on my face. I will do my best not to let my mind get carried away with small things and letting them get into my head.

This summer I want to build a stronger relationship with myself.

2011 has blessed me so much for myself and my family that I know theres more to come. I am grateful, I just need to continue to remind myself why…

– Graduated
– Full time Job
– Lives on my own
– Drives
– <3ing family
– <3ing friends
– bright future ahead (just need to take it one day at a time)

I need to stop worrying about whos not in my life…being single is and should never be an issue.

These past two days…I dunno if its just my mini depression kickin in…or if I'm just tired…
Whichever it is…I gotta get out of this rut.

May 8, 2011

iljb#156: If these thoughts could talk…

















The time for me to fly is now…so let me fly…

February 12, 2011

Couldn’t help but remind myself

February 11, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE

First and foremost, I must say that I am proud of what I am creating on youtube and on this wordpress. I feel as though its really integrating my videos and a little more explanation to why I did that video. I like it, I’m really doing it yal – like I said I would. I’m excited and its going to be a slow process, but I am doing my best in keeping my word about what I said I would do this year with youtube. I’m giving you roomies more of me than I have in past months and its all me…100%. I appreciate all the continued support, questions, subscriptions, etc. ITS HARD WORK, but its all worth it in the end. I just wanted to just do this side note before I begin ;).

So this was definitely something I wanted to do for a long time now. I haven’t written poetry for about 2 years and it saddens me because poetry was my life – my outlet…when I was hurting this past year, I didn’t even use poetry to help me understand my emotions…shows how disconnected I have become to my words. Doing this hopefully will give me more inspiration to do more of this, work on it better, and become that writer I know I can be. Speaking of which, I miss my ILDD on wordpress. Search it and you’ll find a short series of stories. I’m gonna plan to do that as an addition to wordpress. So excited. I have so much creative juices flowing that I can’t wait to execute all of them ;), but remember I have a full time job and one me doing all this – I truly need an assistant haha.

SO this video was about not wanting a superhero – in a sense – not wanting to be saved by someone. We don’t need saving from anyone, we are perfectly fine saving ourselves. We’re strong and have hidden powers ready to burst. Like Katy Perry sings, “BABY YOU’RE A FIREEEEEWORKKK!” :D. I just got inspired with the word superhero and probably going to add a more legit poem and expand.

Ahh what a soso Friday…let my Saturday start off right 😉 I did laundry already, so now I can fully enjoy the sun =]

February 5, 2011

Blackberry Thoughts#1: Excited for this

Well this is super fun. I’m at a Kirin w/ my family and I’m happy bc I’m ready to eat nom nom. Additionally, I’m happy I downloaded this wordpress bb app. Now I feel like I’m more mobile w my thoughts. Hehe I hope this will help me reply to folks faster yee. Well I’ve just enjoyed my saturday here in Mt. View. I never used to go home, but now I feel like its a must. Its really nice.

You know, February is going by quick too..shit its almost the middle of Feb. I can’t believe it… Sigh its amazing…full time, more time spent w roomies, friends, just doing me. Pleeeease remind myself how amazing it is to be single. It really is.

I guess bc valentines is coming up everyones just like getting ready to be all lovey dubbie with whoever, but it my experience, just like any holiday, this too shall pass. Valentines has become one of those holidays where u wanna find the girl/guy for that day, when you know its okay to be single. I’m ok being single and need to remind myself.

Alright, off I go home to play vanquish yee

January 29, 2011

iljb#152: So what you know about that club?

It was super nice to finally have my first weekend since 2005. A REAL weekend in which I don’t have work. THANK GOD! 🙂 I now have a full time job of which now I am permanent! AHHHHH I worked my ass off to get here and I can final reap the benefits and so to begin I went out with the roomies last night 😉

I have not said ROOMIES in a long time, I guess its taken me this long to accept that its time to let go of what was and move forward with what is. Take this time to enjoy the moments with my roomies esp. Eric. I’m glad we’re slowly talking and slowly hanging out…oh Virgos. Thank you drunk nights that begin everything ;). I saw JP last night too and to be honest I couldn’t help but let go of what was and just enjoy his presence. Of course its not gonna be ALL good right away, but if anything that was GOOD last night happened, that was def. one of them. I haven’t talked to him for over a year and half? Something like that. So it was nice and if you happen to read this UPDATE JP, I’ll be waiting for that tweet. 😉

Other than that, I was not AS drunk as I wanted to be, buzzed yeah, but I was too aware of what was going on with GAY people around me and couples and blah blah blah…I couldn’t help but revert to emo mode…I was looking at the cute guys (hahaha looking at blurred cute guys cause I didn’t have my glasses) and I couldn’t help but ask myself…when am I gonna have fun again…when am I gonna stop feeling like this. Maybe I’m not used to clubs as much, esp. straight ones, but I’m goning to Minna tonight so we’ll see how that goes. 😉 – NEW OUTFIT PAAALEASE! haha.

Anyway…I gotta go…maybe write more later.

Last night was the beginning and end of a few things. Good end to Jan.

January 2, 2011

iljb#142: Day 2 of the New Year

I can’t believe we’re just going through the new year like its nothing – well at least I am. This whole reflection about what 2010 means and what 2011 is going to be has just gotten me thinking a lot. My thoughts are busy trying to figure out what if anything, is the meaning of all that has happened to me from this point in my life. Nonetheless, I’m actually content…eh I lie…I’m okay with how life is…and the biggest reason why I am just okay is…I was in love in 2010.

Today at work I felt like I was keeping myself way to busy by just speeding through the day and just being in “work mode”. Work mode for me basically consist of myself not talking and just doing my job without any rest. So thats what I did. I was shocked myself because I haven’t done this in awhile and well …why start today? Well today…I actually got up on time and got to work on time…so that in itself might have been a foreshadowing of sorts…but still…I feel like I was trying to avoid a certain emotion/feeling during work. Then it hit me towards the end of my shift…I’m heart broken because I was in love in 2010.

I’ve never been in love and I guess I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself that I was/am in love. The feeling that I had with Danny was definitely real and it definitely made me feel good. I’ve been with guys that came close to Danny, but he was just it…he was the guy. But the biggest thing that prevented us from sticking it out is that he wasn’t ready to call me his bf, even when I was ready. I mean common sense says, you don’t wait for anyone and common sense definitely means somethings gotta give…so I gave…and let go. Something I’m so used to.

To interject this blog, I want to digress and speak upon a moment at work that kind of disturbed me and that is catching myself say, “Maybe I should focus my attention on women instead of men.” It was quiet amusing in the beginning because I tried and it was a fail off the bat. I even told myself, “The options are bleak…” haha I convinced myself that maybe if I looked at women…I would find myself wanting and being with a woman…yeahh…you go gay, and you can’t turn back that easily. I guess it was my way of just escaping this lonely feeling.

I couldn’t help but keep my eyes wandering at the eye candy at work that pass by. I mean thats what I usually do. I find a guy thats cute and tell myself that he’s the kinda guy I want or thats the kinda guy I wished I dated. Its like movies…but usually most of the guys I see are white…and I find myself saying I want a white dude. lol…there aren’t that many gay men that roll through the airport…and I just find myself wishfully thinking about what might be in the future.

I wish I could talk to my friends about this, however, none of them are in this current situation or have been in a long time and I feel like trying to relate this topic to them could find myself disappointed with what I hear. So I keep it to myself – only certain times do I open up about it…but overall I haven’t really talked about Danny to any of them to the extent that I want to. I feel like its a done topic…however it obviously isn’t done especially when I have so much to blog about.

I honestly wish that my viewers could take a look at how I think for one day and go through the shit that I have to deal with…it amazes me sometimes to find myself pushing through…even though I am so tired…

Speaking about being tired. I also told myself that I am working my ass off in January because I need to help my brother out/family. I am working not for myself, but for my family. Its a wonderful feeling when you get there to know that you can contribute and provide for your family…and they actually count on you to. I don’t know any of my friends family that expect them to do that now…and I wouldn’t wish that upon them. I am just blessed and fortunate that I do have two jobs that help myself and my family out. I used to be so selfish with my money and I used to not give a cent to my family. Which is expected I guess when you start making your own income. But after 2010, things changed and I definitely find my role as a brother/son much bigger than ever. I have a responsibility.

I tell myself, man you are soooo fucking amazing Joaquin because check this. Your a minority within a minority. You’re gay, who happens to have two jobs, who happens to have a degree, who happens to support his family, who happens to have a unbalance social anxiety within himself, and who happens to be single. HAHA I know, I know, it sounds like I’m trying to make myself come off as unique and fucking amazing compared to all those folks in the “scene”, but ….thats exactly what I’m saying HAHA.

It makes me wonder why I end up with guys who are great in the beginning, but turn out to be the guys who don’t have their shit straight. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t perfect, but I’ve worked my ass these 24 years of my life to be where I am. Nothing was ever handed to me. No one ever helped me through college the way most kids had help. I had to find it and work for it. I am just fortunate to have the experiences that I’ve had.

As Vince likes to put it for 2011, “Know your worth.”

He’s right, I need to remind myself each day. But it just sucks when I know myself what I’m worth, but its been proven time after time others don’t see that just yet. With failed attempts at relationships, each one seemed to have the same reason of why it didn’t work out. They weren’t on my level – and even if I tried to get them there – I didn’t want to change them from who they are…

My horoscope told me not to over think things this year…cause sometimes it will get me into more of a mess than I already am…I’m trying…I really am.

I want to be loved like I was in 2010…but with the right guy this time =/. I find myself rebounding to different things for temporary relief, but I find myself back to where I began…

I’m independent and only I really know how to work it out…trust I will…I just need to get all this out before I do…

I’m about to build my dresser…wish me luck =P

November 16, 2010

iljb#135: Focusing on…

I’d love to say me, but its my job. I’m focusing all my attention on my job because I love it. Honestly, I have probably 5-6 hrs to myself and the rest of the day is spent sleeping or working. It actually is worth it because I work hard and its not that hard (what I do). Its chill and folks are nice. I like where I work.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…second

Family. I am so surprised how much me getting this job has gotten me closer to my mom and sister. Additionally, my family is just happy that I have a job and I update them about whats going on. Its nice. This Christmas is gonna be amazing for our family. Its not about the gifts that will be present this year, but the fact that we all were able to survive 3 years of bullshit. It was all worth the wait. All of us I think grew from the experience and we’re moving full speed ahead. For the first time in my life, I’m putting my family second and thinking about them. They deserve it.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…third

I’m focusing on me. Getting my shit together and what I want in life. I’m taking it day by day and each day brings a new revelation and experience that I didn’t learn from the previous day. I can honestly say that I am at my ultimate peak in my life because I know I can handle anything that can come my way. People come and go in my life, but honestly I think I already know those who will stay. The family & friends who’ve seen me grow. Unfortunately, I’m still dealing with those who just use me for whatever it is sex, money, friendship…alalaala whatever that might be. I think I’m just over it because I’ve put focus on my job, family, and myself I find it hard to put everything else in the forefront. Its time to give what hasn’t been given much attention that NEEDED attention. I’m sorry – but I think that relationship I was in “relationship” is going to have to be put on a hold – maybe for temp, but most likely for good. I can’t take care of another right now if I got three other things in a priority. Honestly, he had his chance and this “break” was just the ultimate final straw. I had to do it for us. I already saw he wasn’t where he was supposed to be and I was at a different end. We weren’t on the same page and even though I tried to say we were…we really weren’t. Crazy how a few weeks can change that. Oh well, lesson learned.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…fourth

Everything else. Hanging out and doing fun stuff just comes last now. I think I’ve spent enough of my years having fun and don’t get me wrong I think I still have time to have fun, but not like I used to. I’m on my grind and this is what it is. I live to work bc I need to help my folks and myself out. If I wanna move out, get a new car, help my family, and have a permanent job I need to honestly hold it down and toughen up. I know my priorities and its easy for me to say no to those that aren’t my priorities.I am blessed to have those who continuously stick with me. I don’t have time for bs friendships or acquaintances. After awhile you realize whose down for you and whose in it to just get you.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…and well thats my story and I’m sticking to it


November 3, 2010

iljb#134: LIFE in WORDS

The best part about having a job – is having a job.

It took me 2 months to knock down some interviews and search for some career options. Had a few interviews – all of which failed, but got a call randomly one day from a recruiter asking if I was interested in a job opportunity. All this search landed me this job I currently have and the rest is history. What made me feel so much better about my job today is the fact that my manager said that we (my group) was hand picked to be part of the team (we were split into two groups, the group I am in was the one hand picked =]). It felt so good to hear her say that – gave me a little bit more pride and motivation that this was meant for me. She told us that she wants 100% conversions from seasonal to permanent, which is most likely going to happen just as long as we do our job. She added (which I loosely translate) that don’t fuck up this job because with the tough economy right now, folks would die to just be in our shoes with a job. And shes damn right for that one. I work for a health care CORPORATE group representing the San Francisco. Its entry level, folks are chill, I get paid weekly, and I know I can move up and excel =]. This is it for me for now. This is how I’m going to make it big and help myself be once again financially stable. I work from 8:30-5pm which is great cause I like that schedule – but I think it might change soon.

I help physicians clients see if their insurance cover for their procedure and see how we can help in insuring that if it doesn’t, other options available. The health care career was never in my prerogative and it has been such a surprise that I enjoy what I do. We go LIVE on Monday and I’m all ready to take the challenge. SHOOT I already speed through my staging with the IV counselors and they already say that I got it – its about practice =]. I gots this. I am so blessed. I am.

In addition, I still have my other job at Kleins which I am keeping for the weekends. So literally I have no day off now, but thats fine because I work hard for that money and I know in the end it’ll all work out. The weekend job will shortly fade out by 2011 because of the lay off, but that’s fine. This weekend job is for extra help, while my current job is for bills and such. Ahhh it feels good to be in the real world…not as hard as I thought it would be.

I am blessed. I don’t got much to really worry about and I don’t need to worry about much, just as long as I do what I can and work hard with what I can. I’m a lot closer to my family and I’m loving it. Some things will have to take a backseat and thats fine.

For now…I’m happy with my job…=] POTENTIAL most def.

PS. I don’t have time for bullshit, so I wont put up with it.

October 23, 2010

iljb#133: I have to admit a few things…

  • I’ve actually have been trying to abandon wordpress for tumblr
  • I am second guessing my relationship
  • I am blessed to have a entry level job which I start on Monday
  • I need to rest so my body can feel better
  • I hate the rain
  • I miss blogging and writing poetry
  • I’m tired of youtube to an extent
  • I know what I want in life
  • I am lucky
  • I can be single and be fine
  • I have a future waiting for me
  • Forgiveness is hard to do
  • I can’t wait – wont wait for anyone
October 1, 2010

iljb#132: Come A Long Way

Today marks the very beginning of something new. Today I leave September behind and welcome October into my life. September was alright, but I know October will be just what I needed. It was nice to just be lazy for a change at the end of September – I rarely if any get those days where I feel that way…it feels nice, it reminds me that I am human and I can get lazy because most of the time I’m so uptight in making that doe.

I’m a hustler and thats what I’ve been doing. I’ve said it to a few and to myself more recently, but its so true – I have been the most financially stable than I have ever been in my life…it feels great. Knowing that I don’t have to save hella (because I’ve been doing that currently) to just make ends meet. I have more than enough to buy whatever, do whatever, spend whatever, but don’t get it twisted, I earned each and everything I make.

Today marks the beginning of my fitness. No RICE for a month or bread…so whats left? mmmm healthy food I guess? Soda is out of the picture…it’ll just be water. And I guess really making it a point to work out. I wanna make 3 months from now count, so by 2011, I’ll feel and look good. So its gotta start somewhere right? And it starts today.

Its almost 3 and I’m still up…sigh…

I’m tired of faulty people who fuck up my game. Its whatever…I ain’t trying to let it phaze me. I got other things to put my energy towards – thats your fault if you wanna hate on me.

BTW, I found this great KOREAN site to learn how to speak KOREAN. I’m excited. Its my new hobbie for now…
WELL HAPPY PILIPINO AMERICAN HERITAGE MONTH =]

September 19, 2010

LIKE this…

September 9, 2010

iljb#130: FINALLY I GET TO BLOG

You have no idea how much of a relief I have in blogging right now. Its been a long time since I’ve gotten to just lay out all my thoughts – and this blog isn’t even close to explaining what I have in my head, but I guess this will do for now. Ever since I’ve turned 24, life has just been great, but more busier than I had imagined. Even though I don’t go to school now, I feel as if I am still on the grind. This 40 hr a week working, relationships to keep track, and my sanity to keep has just gotten the best of me …in a good way. I’ve been doing a great job in multitasking and doing what I can to be happy in life. Its crazy how Sept. has just flown in and will slowly fly out…CRAZYYYYY its almost Dec.

Things on my mind

Masters in Counseling, JOB/2nd Job, Dec – Philippines, Relationship/Family, Moving, friends & such, youtube, personal time ME!!!

No Joke – the first two have been eating me up. I’ve been doing lightweight research for my masters, but I now realize I need to really get into it. Seriously its hard when you have a 40hr week and the last thing on your mind is doing research. But I am very determined I tell myself and others each day: COUNSELING. I am going to do just that, I just need a day to do all that and FOCUS.

I’ve been looking at a second job for awhile now and its necessary for me to because I feel as though this one job isn’t cutting it. I am willing to sacrifice my social life for my FUTURE life – feel me. I work hard, but play hard too. I gotta think about my future. But again I need to just spend a day and research. I am so grateful I have a job still unlike some folks who are looking. Post Grad is seriously hard esp if you don’t have a job. But I’m on it…I’m gonna find that job!

Dec is approaching and my trip to the Philippines is coming soon. Its a lot of money and its only for a few days…ughhhhhh =/ I was so excited at first, but when I think about how long I have there its like ugh nm…kinda stressful to think.

RELATIONSHIPS. I finally have a steady relationship with my boy. Finally a man who I am well “LOVE” with. I love him =] and he loves me back. The relationship is worth it and every time I think about it I know I’m lucky. It was our 1 year =] AH haha. Family relationship has gotten stronger. Spending time tomorrow with my mom.

Moving has been on the back burner…and I know I will get back on that hype as soon as I get my expenses on check…EVERY month I’m saving, but I end up spending because I have so much bills to take care of. CRAZY because I take care of myself 99% of the time. That 1% is when I rarely ask my fam for gas, everything else is me. ughhhhhhh sooooo hard living on your own and providing for yourself. When I think about it I bought everything in my room since I was a Junior in College. YUPPP alll me. SIGH

Friends and such…well I’ve been doing the best to hang out and get updates, but as you can see its really not a priority since I have so much other things to think about. I know they’re there for me though. But right now its on a pause.

YOUTUBE…ahh I feel like a disappointment to my fans cause I havent uploaded a recent video and I want to cause I have hella ideas, but I seriously have no time to do it and if I do I end up giving myself ME time instead. I really hope if you’re a FAN reading this that I love you and that I’ll be back shortly…its fucking crazy this life…that I have youtube responsibilities AHHAHA.

PERSONAL TIME…ME! This is where I watch TV, blog, listening to music, and most recently play GODFINGER lol…Its the last thing but sometimes the first thing on this whole list. Its either or…THATS THE BEST and WORST things about POST GRAD…having ME time, but not having it completely.

Alright cutting this short…have a long day tomorrow. BEST

DEUCES

August 16, 2010

with a lack of inspiration…

this stumbled and gave me just what i needed.

July 7, 2010

TRUE

HAHA

July 2, 2010

iljb#125: Airplanes

I could use a wish right now – and if that happens to be leaving this damn place for good – then so be it. I’m enjoying my Friday off and it feels great just simply waking up late in the afternoon with no care in the world and following my own schedule without any commitments or engagements. I guess thats the best part of summer – enjoying it to its fullest.

I wish I could just go on a plane with the money I have and just escape for today. Without a care. Just fly and come back later today. Wouldn’t that just be amazing. I wouldn’t need to worry about hotel, just transportation. shoot, I already have my id that could get me through. haha. Man…where to go though =].

Can we just pretend. That I was a millionaire and I fly myself to a wheat field LOL

I’m gonna try my best to enjoy this day. Its gonna be chill, but thats fine with me ;O

June 16, 2010

iljb#118: TRUE

May 26, 2010

iljb#112: I thought …

This is how I feel right now, but I thought of Mary in particular LOL

April 16, 2010

iljb#104: Words.iThink.Stuff

So I should be sleeping right now – I mean I did work my ass off to get shit done and I did.

I did something good. I took care of business. I had fun.

But why do I feel so empty like I’m missing/missed something.

Maybe its all this work and no actual play.

Lets just cut the bullshit. I haven’t had any contact with lips/dick/ass/ for a long time…and its getting in my head. lol…BUT I guess its alright – no I know its alright cause I know I’m getting ready for “him” whoever that “him” is…bitch is taking too long LOL.

I need to have fun.
NOW! lol


Somewhere here would be nice