Archive for October, 2009

October 29, 2009

iljb#63: I FEEL…

as though I shouldn’t be here. Where is here? The library…I know, I know, I’ve chosen to be here…I could be technically anywhere right now, but I chose to be here. So…why am I so upset? I’m upset because I feel like all this work, all this studying, all this annex work…is it all worth it? Am I going to look back and say…damnnn Joaquin, you sure worked your ass off fall semester…Shit…if thats the case…why do I feel like I’m still half ass’n? I feel so…well…disconnected right now with my friends, feelings, goals. Ultimately, I’m left feeling lonely…

Things have been just bothering me and just eating me up…my insecurities have definitely re-surfaced. However, I’m finding that I am able to face this demon that I once hid from and speak to “it”. I’m telling it to stop bothering me, I understand that things are not what they used to be – I am not what I used to be…but I’m telling it to stop. It feeds me so many lies, I swear I feel like I don’t know which ones are the truth and which ones are lies anymore…I feel so…

Well to begin with…I started thinking today…is this graduate school idea the best idea for me right now? Looking at what I need to do, what I need to get…I just feel like its overwhelming – I’m not even sure anymore…I don’t know where my life is going to take me next semester…You know whats weird…the fact that a few weeks ago…I had no problem with saying, “DREAM BIG” or “I CAN’T GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS.” But why does it feel like I’m giving them up right before my eyes…I have these jitter bugs…I don’t know if I can do this anymore…sigh…

I sit in class and I half pay attention because some of the concepts have been repeated over and over – being an Asian American Studies major has definitely just drained all the energy out of me…it sure has just become more of a pain learning all this shit – but a good pain because it hurts that this has been affect me and the rest of my community for years now. I know that what I do now is going to benefit my community in the end. I will become a counselor – a teacher – someone that makes an impact in ones life…

SIGH right now however, I feel so…alone…

I want to say what I feel, but I’m hurt. I want to say everything…

October 27, 2009

iljb#62: Closing Time

If I decide to take a step away from this reality – forgive me – because I’ve been needing an escape. I address this because I am sure it is time to close shop, time to relocate, time to take my business else where. Forgive me, the time spent here was all and more than I could have ever asked for – its been amazing in fact – but times have changed and its about time that I put up my sign, “CLOSED”. Some customers are happy, some aren’t – but the only one you got to please is yourself. Some time soon, I’ll open up again, put my sign up, “OPEN”, smile and wait for the arrival of new customers. Just like I did before. Oh those days seemed like they were yesterday. And if they ask…why’d you close – I’ll reply, I decided to take a step away from this reality, I’ve been needing this vacation. If they continue to ask I say, don’t worry – everything will be ok.

Closing shop soon.

October 24, 2009

iljb#61: I don’t need sunshine to know I’m bright

There are some days where waking up is hard. Maybe you stayed up late the night before, you have responsibilities ahead, or you just don’t want to face reality. Whichever it is know that even know that you don’t need sunshine to know that you’re bright.

Self awareness and self strength is the most important part of keeping it together. When facing adversity, all that you have left at times is your inner strength. If you don’t believe in yourself and always let people tell you how to act, what to say, let them tell you what you should believe…then who have you ultimately become…and what have you ultimately lost?

If you are the lonely number in the equation – doesn’t mean you’re wrong – maybe everything else doesn’t add up for a reason.

October 24, 2009

iljb#60: I’m pretty sure this is getting old…

Old enough that I’m starting to get sick of it. What is “it”? Oh man, why does it matter at this point. IT doesn’t matter.

What does matter is the horrible trickle affect I had at work today. NOW THAT was a surprise…man…=[ I’m lightweight sad/frustrated about it…sigh I dunno…maybe its my LIFE telling me to stop being too comfortable too soon…most likely…

Anyway, had the most STRESSFUL week in the world…shrugs, just looking forward to sun & mon. BTW…I’m really tired…

But I’m sure that this is already getting old…

October 23, 2009

iljb#59: I miss it…

I miss just being able to relax and how no cares about nothing! I miss that. I miss being able to party cause I wouldnt give a damn about the world and what hw I got the next day. I miss the good old friendships – even the stupid ones. I miss friendship games. I REALLY DO! I wish I went…lightweight. First time not going…fuck…I’m growing up? I miss my youth. THIS is the weekend to just let it go…get my party on…I feel free…I feel like I can just BREATHE! I miss it…I miss missing it. I feel accomplished today…I did hella shit…I did a paper when I felt like I wouldn’t be able to. I made it! I did it…I pulled myself together…on top of that I took a test for math and did a meeting. AWWW man…I had a good two days…It was good. I miss it though. I miss just being able to say…hey I’m a freshman, sophomore, junior…now I’m a fucking senior…I am fucking graduating soon….AHHHHH I miss this already…I miss PCN…I miss miss me!!! I think…its that time of year when I just finally have to take a step into another world…unknown…sigh things dont last forever…but my memories will forever remain. I miss it…THANK U LIFE

October 20, 2009

iljb#58: Life is a QUOTE


October 15, 2009

iljb#57: TIME OUT

I feel so tired. fml. I’m taking a personal week off from school. THANK GOD this week is slowly coming to an end. I’ll get back on my school hype next week. But for now


October 15, 2009


October 14, 2009

iljb#56 1/2: I am

See, senior year is picking up and day after day I realize that its only going to get more busier than it already is. I have taken a butt load of classes, extracurricular activities, and have just been hustln since day one of the semester. I tell myself – I am boss – I control my life and make the rules. I live the way I want to and I make this look easy.

I put my friends on pause cause to be honest – some are just not on point anymore – and thats real talk. Let me put that on a pause and press play later on because right now I don’t need to bother in “playing” this shit thats on repeat. I repeat I don’t need this shit from you nor you of me. I already know that I don’t need you as much as you need me. I hold my own very well and am confident that I can come up on top with or without you. SO let me put you on pause because as much as you have been a part of my life…you have been far a part from my life. You think you see, hear, know the real me, but times have changed – I am slowly growing out of this stage. Its time for me to step off and get in front of a bigger league – a league where rules don’t apply, but rather a fluid just like life. I ain’t trying to confine myself to what was or is because I know we and I are far more than that is. I put my freinds on pause because to be honest some are just not on point anymore.

I am pressing play – cause as much as I lack sleep and I am always tired – this shit is music to my ears – the song that moves me – the dance that makes me. MOVE – I move – I stop – I move – I move to make ends meet. I don’t need to hustle as much as I am right now, but right now I’m pressing play and don’t know how to stop this now. NOW I know – this is what makes me happy – this is complicated – but I accept my fate – I accept that this is me…I am…this is my senior year.

I look around at the world around me – some things will never change. But change is good – change is happening – I am preparing for the biggest change of my life. CLICK!

“Welcome to LIFE”

October 14, 2009

iljb#56: Empower thy self

Everyday I’m hustling, everyday I’m hustling cause I’m a mothah fucking hustlah bitch!

With every punch I get, I bring back 10 fold and hit you with the realness

FUCK that. I say to myself. I won’t let no mother fucking bitch bring me down. Insignificant is the key word there. TRUST that I can handle my own and my own is what I handle.

I make sure that shit don’t falter, I make sure that I can come out strong.

I know I have much to learn, but I take everyday as a lesson.

I know that many dont understand my intentions and its fine because I ain’t trying to prove my worth.

I empower me and if I end up empowering you, then coo.

I’m a mother fuckin beast, a hustler everyday!

I make sure this shit is raw and that I hit hard! FUCK THIS betch I make this look easy.

October 13, 2009

iljb#55: It kinda feels like Rocky Road

I ate some really good rocky road ice cream last night, I mean REALLY GOOD. Even though the marshmallows weren’t the actual marshes, but rather a whip of marsh, it was still REALLY good. Haagedaz ice cream is BOMB! Speaking of which, support them because bees are getting extinct.

So conversely, what doesn’t feel good is the wet socks that I had this morning! UGH…it is like super typhoon up in this piece. I’m like FO-REAL? It is pretty intense. I saw a tree just break before my eyes. I was like WOW haha.

So why is sex taboo? I mean really, why can’t we just freely talk about sex because shit we all are bound to hit it one of these days…at least ONCE in our lives. I guess its because society has made it be a taboo. Thats the reason we got so many folks having babies and their parents not knowing cause its not a subject to be talked about… culturally too…

Anyway…sex is like rocky road…it feels and taste good especially when you eat the nuts =]

October 11, 2009

iljb#54: I’m trippin…its koo…

I’m not a party animal, I am not someone you should be afraid of, I am gay, I am someone who works hard, I am a lot of insecure (yes that is exactly what I meant), I like history, I know I’m not perfect, I love hard, I get depressed sometimes for no reason…

I’m trippin…I have found myself slightly depressed today…I don’t understand why it decided to come today. Man…I’m just sad…I’m feeling sad. I have so many insecurities that are getting the best of me right now and to be honest, this is the last thing I need to feel right now…I feel really dumb right now. I already cried in the car after work, I already tried to avoid how I felt when I hung out with Lena, and now I’m here blogging my heart out on this wordpress at 1:17am…I have work yet again today…I’m looking forward to it, but at the same time I’m not.

I am worth something right Joaquin? Yeah you are! Then why do I feel like shit. You’re mind is wandering…WHY!? You just need to get some rest. Why!? You have too much on your mind…I just want to cry…go ahead and cry then. But I’m too tried to cry…tomorrow will be a better day…You think so? Yeah, by tomorrow, you’ll forget about today…I need to do hw…yeah you do, don’t trip, you’ll have time to do it…promise? Yes, I promise…sigh I don’t know if I can do this anymore…Do what? Be this strong…you’ve done it for the past months now…why stop…I know, but I’m expected to be…no one expects you to be anything…I do…well this is a battle that needs to be resolved…but not tonight…SIGH…you’re sad? YES…take some rest, you’ll wake up feeling a lot better…Yeah? …I’m gonna cry myself to sleep…man don’t be so dramatic…yeah I know…But to be honest I am holding back my tears…if they do come out…let them…you’ve been keeping something in for the longest time…you’re insecurities…you’re right…sigh…my chest feels heavy…you’ll be fine…I promise.

October 8, 2009

iljb#53 1/2: Still at the Annex

I feel so fucking amazing right now! DAMN RIGHT this is what college is about! lol fuck, I have one more major thing to do before the night is done and that is to write my damn paper for ethnic studies. The only reason why I’m so hesitant in finishing it is because that paper is all over the place. FUCK lol haha no joke. ITS HEKKA LATE too, oh well…I guess it’ll have to do. I hope Angela grades my paper again lol =] Anyway, I’m sitting here in the annex looking at my amazing list of things to do tonight and WALA I do it again folks – I accomplish the fucking uncomplishable…LOL thats not even a word nor does it make sense – I’m just fucking stoked. WHO DOES THAT? I DO THAT! I’m so proud of myself. I am so proud of the type of work I can do when I put my mind to it. However, I do have a lot of catching up to do, I know that I can do it considering I have SUNDAY off this weekend =], I am thankful because I can go to church finally. Tomorrow I will be able to go home to see my family and then get some grub =] YEE.

LET us just look at my life for a second and where I stand.

Life started off with 21 units and I still continue to maintain that. However, it is VERY difficult because most of these course make my brain hurt. ALL this critical analyzing shit…fuck its like FOREAL? lol…

Then you got your PACE, Project Connect, AAS GRAD, FilGrad – FUCKKK…ahha I knew I wanted to get involved…but damn…this involved? LOL

Then you got my job…fuck…no more two jobs anymore…fucking can only handle one! AHHHHH

Then you got my boy Daniel =] hehe something I don’t need to worry about because he is on the friggin same level as me. BUSY, but able to take care of business, have fun, and do something good =].

LIFE…like I mentioned earlier is spent either on campus, at work, or in the annex – with the exception of Mondays BBC and occasional kick its with Danny =]. I haven’t used my phone to chat it up with other folks other than the folks I already chat up – I feel so lightweight disconnected to the WORLD bc I am so busy…which reminds me…

I am made for this shit…I am built to do this shit! I GOT THIS SHIT! =]

October 7, 2009

iljb#53: It only gets HARDER

And I ain’t talking about dick, however true that statement might be. It only gets harder after life throws you curve balls when you dont need to be thrown any more balls in your face…LOL

It only gets harder, especially after you accept 21 units and find that most of your major classes ask you to critically think about the world in away that is progressive and acculturated. AND SERIOUSLY, whoever says being an AAS major is EASY obviously didn’t work hard to grasps the concepts. FUCK THAT, SHIT IS HARD WORK!!!!

It only gets harder when things are slowly going into place. I have never been so motivated, so content, so … energized about LIFE in a long time…it feels good. I got my school grind on – learning hella shit, working hard to get involved with EVERYTHING and anything and feeling useful, getting my grind on at work and quitting Jamba, loving my life with family, and YES having a relationship to add on to this ruckus! haha..fml…that is a fml statement…

It only gets harder because I’m pushing myself too hard to do what I know I can do…I just need to sleep first lol. BLOGGING might seem like I’m procrastinating, but when in fact it is just getting me started with my hw. THIS LIFE…what did I get myself into this semester?

I can disagree and be okay with it. I have learned patience. I have learned that everything happens for a reason. FRIENDS DO come and GO, but they stick when you’ve been glued together for so long. LIFE HAPPENS, but never stops.

It only gets harder when I don’t believe in myself.