Archive for April, 2009

April 30, 2009

iljb#19: The PLAYLIST

Lonely Girls Club – NeYo

This Ain’t A Sad Song – Claude Kelly

Trojan Man – Keri Hilson

Body Language – Jesse McCartney

April 30, 2009

iljb#18: Mins wasted…and counting

Day four, three, … what day is this for me? I seem to have the same routine again and again. Late nights…and well none productive whatsoever. This lack of motivation to do what I need to do has taken over me hard. I’m not sure if its the depression or just the lack of motivation to do what I must. I seem to have sunk in a huge hole where I can’t seem to get myself out of. To give up is just something I seem to do so well. I have been questioning why I am at school. Why am I blessed to have an apartment to live in near state, work, friends, experiences here and there…but seem to just take all that for granted?

Its so true what I learned about myself a year ago when playing the cube game. When shit hits the fan, I sure take everything down with me. I’m not saying that all this feeling is attributed to the lack of men in my life or relationship, but I do acknowledge it is part of it. Of all people, I know not to let guys get the best of me, but its crazy how the situation has just attached itself to it. I’ve been keeping myself semi busy with fucking around and not doing what I need to do. Procrastination simply put. This feeling hasn’t gone away and I’m not sure why its decided to stay. Its like I mentioned before a past that has come back to haunt me.

I sound like I’m making excuses and just making it seem like a bigger deal than it is, but that is definitely not the case. I know what I am capable of, but I feel like theres this barrier or wall preventing me to get through this. I’ve tried to let my friends know about my depression, but it just seems that its not a big deal…or its just a phase that I need to get through…I guess thats why I never used to tell people that I felt this way because of that response. And I don’t blame them…what do you say to a friend that is depressed? I guess lately, I’ve been really vocal about my life with my friends…more so than ever before, that the responses that I do get from them are well not the type of responses that I would expect. I guess because of this I’m really guarded…I guess I’m bringing this upon myself to feel this way…I dunno…I know its up to me…I know I shouldn’t act this way, but I’m extra sensitive when I get like this…its gotten worse…I feel like hs all over again.

SIGH…I want to say that this came about bc of my recent relationship, but to be honest I’ve been feeling this long before that. I’m wasting my life away…slowly…not accomplishing a damn thing. I don’t deserve to be here…nor do I deserve this privilege…I’m taking it for granted…SIGH…

I was telling Ryan that one time at work I had to tell myself to stop talking to me cause this voice was talking to me. I mean…I don’t want to sound crazy, but I feel like its getting the best of me…slowly…I dunno if I’m being punished or what.

When I look in the mirror…I don’t see me…I see my failures…sigh.

Minutes wasted…and
I’m still counting.

April 28, 2009

iljb#17: Beach Reflections

I went to Ocean Beach this afternoon after a long nap today. Didn’t attend my DAI class…MY ONLY class this sem. SIGH. I feel like somethings wrong with me, like this rooms haunted and every time I’m in this room I want to go to sleep. I don’t get it. Anyway, I was at the beach and it was cold, but nice at the same time. I lightweight got to see the sun set. It was pretty – I wanted to youtube. LOL but didn’t have a camera. Instead, I just kept on replaying “A little Bit” over and over on my ipod …dancing to it at the beach too. The fun stopped when a man was running towards me and all of a sudden the water creeped up to me and well…wet me…I played it off like my feet didn’t get wet…cause the man was coming towards me and I didn’t wanna ruin his run by me running too. I dunno…I’m retarded …I got wet shoes and socks…ew feeling. But yeah I just felt real emo and just listening to the song brought be back to kit. I just remember when he dedicated that song to me and I was just like mmm today cause its like…did I give up way too soon…I mean what if he was the one…and I just gave up…mmmm I dunno can’t go back now, but I just kept thinking about it…sigh…=/ LOVE…

but how we move from A to B it cant be up to me
cuz you dont know who i was before you
and basically to see a change in me i’d be losing

April 26, 2009

iljb#16: Stop the tracks, let me state facts

I think its a sign that I ain’t supposed to be involved with anyone right now because obviously theres just a lot of shit still being talked. TALK TALK TALK. Some people love being in love with my name. First off, time to state fact. If you don’t know me personal, have never had a deep conversation with me, have never hung out with me, have only heard shit about me…YOU DEFINITELY do not know me. I am not what you say or believe. But be that it may, people will continue to make me famous in their eyes by talking some shit. I guess if folks aren’t talking about you, you ain’t nothing. Second, why does it matter? Why do I matter in your life? Why do you feel you need to talk? PLS…let me understand…and pls…sigh. I am done.

April 25, 2009

iljb#15: Bitch pls

I’m not one to cause a scene nor am I one to make a bad situation worse and because I don’t I feel like I have built up frustration in me. So I’m just going to say it plain and simple. BITCH PLS!!! Bitch pls you say I am fake from the get. How the fuck are you gonna fucking say I’m fake when all I have done thus far has been real and honest. If I was fake, I’d continue the relationship we had and kept going to hurt your feelings. NOW that would be fake and fucked up. BITCH PLS you say you love me because to be honest, if you love someone you don’t go accusing them or creating fabricated stories about who they are. That ain’t love buddy! You don’t say shit like I thought you were real and I put my all in this. BITCH PLS, listen to yourself. WHY you gotta prove your worth when I already know. Why continue the cycle – when you know we already discussed our situation multiple times. AND BITCH PLS, you don’t threaten someone you love by saying, “You’re lucky I left your car alone.” BITCH? OK…you a fine example of a psycho bitch. And like you said, “I said all that in frustration…” maybe before you speak you should ask yourself how this will play out in the future. And bitch pls, stop trying to make yourself look like you the better one in this situation. No need for that. Because without question, we already know whos character weighs more than the other. BITCH pls, don’t tell me to grow up because obviously you’re acting like a child who needs major attention. IF YOU DON’T CARE about the flowers or letter I got you then fuck, throw em away – instead of saying, “no I have more respect than that – i rather just give it to you personally…or if not, go to your work and drop them off.” BITCH YOU CRAZY? lol. SERIOUSLY. They’re just flowers and its just a letter…I would understand if it was clothing or something, but flowers and a letter? BITCH PLS. You gone fucking psycho on my ass. And don’t tell me, “I wish you woulda told me that you just wanted to be friends in the beginning.” WHO the fuck says that? BITCH PLS, I obviously didn’t want to therefore how the fuck was I supposed to tell you – and bitch…I didn’t know you was gonna end up fucking crazy. AND I’m sorry that you can’t keep up with my level because though you are way older than me, you act way immature to grasp whatever I got for you. SO BITCH PLS. It was all or nothing with you…I didn’t want us to end up like this…I just needed time to figure shit out and I did think about us in the future, however, you pushed me to feel how I feel right now and assures me that I can’t go back to that. Its not healthy for me nor you. AND ITS BEST. Funny how folks show they true colors during crunch time…

AND to sum this all up in a fucking bow…

BITCH PLS!

nough said…ugh…

April 24, 2009

iljb#14: Failing is beauty at its best

Diving into something wether that be a career, a relationship, or a commitment, there will always be that fear of failure. Failing to succeed, failing to keep whatever it is going, just plain failing. You can’t blame us for fearing the worst because when we have something so good, we tend to freak out and well try to make sure we don’t fuck it up – at least for me. However dreadful the fear of failing is and however much it consumes our every thought, the truth is – failing is beauty at its best. Meaning, when we fail – our true colors come out and the true character in which we hold true shines. When shit hits the fan, we learn that pain is part of the process, but learning how to pick oneself up is the other half. That is why its beautiful because in the end – you come out strong and better than before.

Fail to succeed in the end.

I’m struggling to understand myself every day. I’m struggling to find truth in myself. I’m struggle to get the answers that I question myself. I struggle. I am single because I do have high standards. I am single because I seek someone who is close to perfection in my eyes. What am I searching for? The one person who I know can make me weak in the knees. This past year alone, I have seen the best and worst of men. But for the most part I’ve learned the quality of what men can provide and give me. Its almost the middle of the year already and I have experienced so much with relationships with men. I am to difficult to understand, too difficult to please, a heart breaker to describe myself at best.

The men that I have engaged myself in relationships with have given me a clear picture of what I do not want, but also given me a clear picture of what I enjoy. However, it is obvious that these men are not for me…I am still single because no one can keep up with me. I am well beyond my years mentally, emotionally, and physically. Not to say at all that I am perfect, but I know I have a good head on my shoulders.

What you see on youtube is just half of what I’m capable of spitting. What you experience in person is just half of what I am capable of. The only one who truly got the best of me recently was probably Kit. And I don’t without a doubt regret anything, I just wished that things played out differently.

I am accused of giving up, I am accused of not being able to hold a relationship longer than a month or two. I am accused of being too rational. But…again…I’m not here to prove to anyone why I do what I do…though I sometimes do…but truth is…if you aren’t here on Joaquin’s team to understand where I’m coming from…then you aren’t for me. I do what I do with reasoning…always with reasoning. I have no room for lies. I don’t lie. I spit what I am and what I feel. But I am always accused of doing the opposite. I am not what they thought I’d be. I don’t know what I want…blah blah…but why is it that every time I do end shit with these men, they fall back in line asking me to be back with them? I give people chances, I do…Three is my motto. Because first mistakes are ok, seconds…alright …third…nope. I might be harsh, but its like…we all aren’t trying to waste time in finding that someone…and I sure am not…

I feel like men to me right now are bland…I don’t need a man right now…though the though of it seems nice…I obviously haven’t given myself time to breathe alone…and cater to myself…I’m always falling…falling because I trust that what I’m getting myself into is true…I don’t ever lie with what I feel or say, but I do hold back with good reason. I don’t want to fall and get hurt cause I know how that feels…likewise with the men I’ve been with…but my big thing is communication…if you can’t hear me out like I hear you out theres no room for us to be in a relationship.

I want a man…not a kid. I want a man…not someone who thinks that they are. I want a real man…not someone who fronts. A man is someone who is able to communicate what they feel. I man is able to grasps what I say and spit something back at me to remind me that there is still intelligence in this world. A man knows how to admit to fault. A real man knows how to be humble and show some humility. A real man never makes someone feel like shit and if they do, knows when to be able to comfort them right. A real man never promises to give someone what they want, but agree to work on the things that are a work in progress. A man is someone who knows how to be in funny but serious at the same time. A man…a real man will prove me wrong in so many ways…that man…is somewhere…

SIGH…

There are many reasons of why I am sad and a little depressed, but this too shall pass…

April 23, 2009

you get it ina.

two people can be perfect for each other but if the timing’s wrong it’s never going to work out. bad timing is the reason that most normal people end up single. weirdos and creeps are single cause they are weird and creepy but people like us are single because of bad timing.

April 23, 2009

iljb#13: Stupid.

Tuesday, Apr 21, 2009
This is an excellent time to eliminate whatever is unnecessary and outworn in your life from clutter and disorder in your environment to an unhealthy relationship or even a long-held attitude or belief which keeps you from going after what you really want in life.

You are also more perceptive than usual. You see other people’s true colors more clearly and you may discover a secret or the hidden aspect of some situation.

Wednesday, Apr 22, 2009
You are likely to come to a very clear, definite decision at this time and to let others know exactly what you want. You are not in a very conciliatory mood and are not averse to stirring up unpleasant controversy in defense of your plan, idea, or desire. You may speak or act in haste now which can be a cause of regret later on.

Thursday, Apr 23, 2009
There is much activity; you move rapidly from one thing to another and a hectic, somewhat stressful pace is likely. Many errands, phone calls, letters which require a response, and other “busywork” is on the agenda. A minor but rather tense confrontation is likely.

WHO the fuck makes these? I swear its the story of my life! I’m sooo frustrated right now. I feel like punching a wall – but I wont cause that really hurts. lol. But in all seriousness…I feel like I am the only man made for me – there isn’t a damn guy out there who really gets me. Who really will put up with my shit. And its fine what others may say about me, believe about me, WHATEVER because thats them and I can’t own that for shit. I guess its just a lesson learned now than later. Its unfortunate too because I mean great guys and I can say they are great, but they sure know how to act up and what do I do – I take it…I fucking take it for the team. Don’t say I don’t try and work it out, I sure do work it out. I just don’t stick around for bullshit…and if thats me being selfish then so be it…I guess thats just who I am selfish that I know what I want and I know what I don’t want when I see it.

I hate when I keep repeating my self OVER and over and the person completely doesn’t understand the words that are coming out of my mouth. Am I retarded? What the fuck…is it my fault? I swear I’m being clear. “I’m HURT” is not the same as “You think I fucked up.” COMPLETELY different. If you find yourself in a state of unhappiness, you gotta question yourself…is it worth it? Is it worth you crying uncontrollably when you have other things to worry about. I’m not trying to play the victim anymore…but its so weird how I spot the ones that do. “I did this…I did that…You did this…” making me feel like shit…honestly some people don’t know how to focus on the words I’m saying.

UGH…you know what…fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkk my life. I’m done.

April 21, 2009

iljb#12: Slight Depression is depressing.

This lack of motivation and drive to do what I need to in school has been setting me back. Its also affected an amount of interactions that I have with several people and outlets I used to interact with. Goes to show that when shit does hit the fan, I take everything around me and involve them in it too. This slight depression isn’t new, I’ve had it since I was in high school and part of college. It got to the point where I used to cut myself in high school…I felt alone…I felt like my life was crashing down on me. That just also happened to be the years I was struggling with my sexuality and coming out. Now however, I just feel like its a different kind of depression…this depression of life and school…I have been giving up on everything I know I am capable of doing…I have just said…fuck everything…

This downfall that I’ve been having these past two semester have definitely been the worst. I’ve never said that I’ve hit rock bottom with school ever…but I can say now that it has become true. I want to be a designer…I want to understand the concepts and whatever…I know that others have worked their butt off to want to be where I am at state…but I’ve just been giving up and have just lost all motivation. I look at the people around me…they’re doing something with their lives…some of my friends are going to graduate this year and others are still struggling to get by so they can graduate…Unlike me…I’m just giving a big fuck you to the world and could care less about what I do in school. I feel like the “bad kid” in school who goes to school but doesn’t really give a fuck about school…I’m just there to be there…

And where the hell did this all come about? HOW? I mean…I never was the bad student…I never wanted to be…but look…I’ve become my own worst nightmare…which leads me to conclude…do I have a slight depression…because I feel like I do. I seem to feel good one day, then the next not…Nothing completely bad has happened. Actually everything is fine in my life…but I just feel like something inside me is ticking to make me feel this way…this ugly monster that has awakened from its five year slumber…has come to terrorize my final years in school… discouraging.

I believe that not being involved in anything this semester has made me depressed. This time of season I usually am kept occupied with PCN, but I decided not to because of school…HOW lame of me because I haven’t once really focused on school…I’m doing like 30% right now…the other 70% is just like WTF am I doing here. I already want fall semester to begin to have a fresh start…I already want to just start over…

Its been awhile since I did youtube and actually felt like doing it…my recent video was doing it for the sake of doing youtube. Myspace and downelink have just been a routine check up, rather than update like usual. Communicating with a few friends have been constant, but feeling empty inside…work is a routine that I keep on doing everyday…I’m not moving up…I’m not getting paid more…I’m just…ugh…=/ the same place I was before…sigh…

Does this also attribute to me not going to church…not asking God for help…I dunno what it is…I just feel soo lost….=/

I don’t even know why I even began to write this blog…I feel it to be unnecessary now…blah =/

FIND my motivation before the semester ends…I shall…

April 3, 2009

iljb#11: 1on1

Today was – wait yesterday – was just a roller coaster ride of events starting of with Tito Dan. I sure didn’t know what to expect, but the unexpected. He put a lot of perspective and authenticity into what he was telling me. The man is wise and the man speaks the truth. However, I did want to refute what he had to tell me at times, but I knew that doing that was just playing the “victim” and causing this fabricated “drama” in which I am in. I did gain a lot out of the conversation and walked away feeling accomplished. People are there…if you ask for help. Asking for help? Yeah…I needed it.

Afterwards, I went to the annex and I got a lot of work done for two of my classes. Well it was more work than I have been doing these past two weeks. Luckily today class was cancelled so I had the rest of the day to just focus on work…or something like it. I’m proud that I had accomplished what I did, yet I feel unaccomplished now because I feel soo…tired and restless about later on tonight.

MCing…wth? YEAH holler at cho boi…haha man…I dunno what I’m getting myself into, but as Casper said…I shouldn’t worry its nothing to trip about. Additionally, I feel like I can handle it so why the hell am I trippin…

I mmmm like going in and out of sync and I have no idea what it is…I feel like I haven’t been telling folks whats been up just because theres just too much to take in or its just not the right place or time…=P well…

I can breathe…so I should be fine…right