Archive for ‘day dreams’

October 3, 2011

iljb#165: Maybe the LAST post I have on wordpress…

So a few weeks ago I decided to test out tumblr for the second time, but this time…I got it to work and I am hooked. Unfortunately, I have abandoned my twitter, facebook, youtube, and wordpress for tumblr, which I told myself I would never do. But truth be told, tumblr is pretty amazing. Its a huge community of people who have similar interests that reblog things that make life A LOT more easier to understand and bare. ❤ Tumblr.

So what does this mean for my wordpress…well, for starters – you’ll see less and less of me on here now that I have a tumblr, however, if I find it appropriate I will probably use this as an outlet to write how I feel about personal thoughts and experiences. This blog definitely stuck by me through all the good and the bad that I experienced, but now its time to say goodbye.

Follow me on tumblr: ilikejoaquin.tumblr.com

 

PS. I’m in love. Joaquin has finally found love.

 

June 21, 2011

cannon ball

June 15, 2011

iljb#162: BLACK GUYS




I honestly thought I was going to have a plethora of pictures, but it was actually more difficult to pick from the crop. I guess this will do for now 🙂 ahha ROMEISBURNING 🙂

May 13, 2011

I DON’T WANT TO BE IN LOVE ALONE

May 8, 2011

iljb#156: If these thoughts could talk…

















The time for me to fly is now…so let me fly…

February 12, 2011

Couldn’t help but remind myself

February 11, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE

First and foremost, I must say that I am proud of what I am creating on youtube and on this wordpress. I feel as though its really integrating my videos and a little more explanation to why I did that video. I like it, I’m really doing it yal – like I said I would. I’m excited and its going to be a slow process, but I am doing my best in keeping my word about what I said I would do this year with youtube. I’m giving you roomies more of me than I have in past months and its all me…100%. I appreciate all the continued support, questions, subscriptions, etc. ITS HARD WORK, but its all worth it in the end. I just wanted to just do this side note before I begin ;).

So this was definitely something I wanted to do for a long time now. I haven’t written poetry for about 2 years and it saddens me because poetry was my life – my outlet…when I was hurting this past year, I didn’t even use poetry to help me understand my emotions…shows how disconnected I have become to my words. Doing this hopefully will give me more inspiration to do more of this, work on it better, and become that writer I know I can be. Speaking of which, I miss my ILDD on wordpress. Search it and you’ll find a short series of stories. I’m gonna plan to do that as an addition to wordpress. So excited. I have so much creative juices flowing that I can’t wait to execute all of them ;), but remember I have a full time job and one me doing all this – I truly need an assistant haha.

SO this video was about not wanting a superhero – in a sense – not wanting to be saved by someone. We don’t need saving from anyone, we are perfectly fine saving ourselves. We’re strong and have hidden powers ready to burst. Like Katy Perry sings, “BABY YOU’RE A FIREEEEEWORKKK!” :D. I just got inspired with the word superhero and probably going to add a more legit poem and expand.

Ahh what a soso Friday…let my Saturday start off right 😉 I did laundry already, so now I can fully enjoy the sun =]

January 30, 2011

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE


I’m super excited about the GAY SERIES this time around…in particular this segment. I think I’m going to keep it short just to keep yal in suspense. lol even though its not hella cray cray, but it makes you want to know more. ;D haha So I hope yal enjoy

January 16, 2011

iljb#144: After the rain…

Its been raining for a couple of weeks now and its only yesterday that the sun came out to play. I’m looking outside my window and I think the sun will be staying for a few more days. Funny how it does that…you’re freezing one minute then hot and bothered the next. This upcoming week is going to be great. I’m starting off right too by taking this personal day off from my hectic schedule. I guess I have to do “me time” every once and awhile, I mean if I don’t I’m going to be a hermit crab who’s really cranky all the time…then again I find myself like that to begin with haha. Since last night, I’ve began my “me time” in which I just do me. I tried to do a video, but I seriously failed at doing one. Maybe today will be better for a video. I have about like 7 videos that I haven’t posted because I’m too lazy to edit and I find myself just rambling. lol.

But I enjoyed my night last night because I actually fell asleep while watching finding nemo. Why is this a surprise, because I usually am not that tired and it felt nice to be that tired while falling asleep to a good movie. I woke up this morning and finished the movie – I ended up tearing up because it was a bitter sweet ending to Finding Nemo. Also, I was thinking about how I want to be a dad so bad and I probably would be like that to my kid. This was around 8:30sh…it is now 11am and I have yet gotten ready for the day. I’m supposed to go do laundry and hang out with family today. Pretty chill…Then the day ends with pretty little liars of sorts…and then sleep to wake up to another week of work. I can’t believe January is almost done…boy doesn’t it feel like the new year is just speeding by.

For me, I find life speeding by because I don’t ever have a break to just enjoy it like today. Its so rare. I even told my coworker yesterday that I’m about to quit this deli job, but she said hang on because its gonna close anyway…so I’m like torn…but shes right…I gotta hang on. I’m really fortunate to be where I am and I know I’m reminded of that each day I wake up. I have a wonderful life, with good people around, with a great job to support me. I guess after watching my cousins video, it reminded me that I shouldn’t be putting myself out there in the dating scene just yet…I mean I need to really be single single…which I haven’t done. But ain’t that always the case…I say this speech “I should be single” then find myself crushing on someone and being in a dating scene.

I guess you can’t help that, you know…it just happens. I think I’m coo off relationships right now because I rather live through other peoples relationships through movies/music videos/songs because at least I wont personally get hurt, but I can definitely feel happy for them and have a wishful thinking mindset.

I remember when I wrote a blog about my ideal guy…I think I might have to do that again…I couldn’t help but remind myself of my love – Danny the other day…I mean he really is so much a part of my year in 2010…I spent a lot of time with him and I feel all of that is just missing…I’ll get over it…I just can’t believe I am really that FUCKED that I can’t get over it. Then again I was thinking about Andy and Jimmy too…*rolls eyes* Those looks can kill, but they definitely don’t compliment where I am in my life.

WHERE am I in life? After the rain? I think its safe to say that the sunny weather and week ahead is a good foreshadowing of where I am in life…I’m ready to move on…move forward. Look at my future as one to cherish, love, enjoy. I have one life to live and I can’t spend it wasting away thinking about Danny – though I wonder what the hell he is thinking…how he is…if hes dating…ha…I wouldn’t be surprised…but let it be known for the record…no guy can do what I done for him….welll not someone soon at least LOL haha =]

Anyway…I should get ready for my day…super hungry and I don’t know where my family is -____- womp.

January 9, 2011

iljb#143: I try to say goodbye but I choke…

I’d like to think that all this crying and all this thinking well end up in me being over him. I think yesterday was just what I needed. I don’t usually go out, but I ended up going by myself to the castro for a mini happy hr. It was cool for what it was, couldn’t stay out late because I had work the next day, but for what it was …it was cool. I ended up driving and feeling sad, but okay…while doing a video LOL haha. Amazes me, but honestly…I was just fed up with feeling like I don’t have any answers to what happened to us…so I decided to text me…actually not even, call him…

I called him twice and I got a text back saying, now is not a good time, but maybe next time or some shit. I’m like foreal? This isn’t me wanting to hang out. I just wanted to know what happened to us…why it all fell apart. MY FIRST LOVE. YES, and I have so many reasons why I go back to the subject. Many of my friends will tell me move on, a lot of you who read this will be like hey wtf why are you trippin on this guy…but none of you will ever understand that chemistry we had. I mean seriously, I worked my ass off to be where we were…and I had to be the one that had to go. I mean when I look back at it, I feel like if I didn’t I woulda been eaten up with not doing what I said I was going to do. At that moment(s) I wanted to be authentic with myself…

This past week was just hard in general…and leading up to it was just tiring…I found myself drinking…I found myself in awkward situations…I found myself loosing myself in the moment and wondering what the hell is going on. I told myself that my friends, as much as they want to be there for me, or try to understand…wont understand what it feels like to be gay…to have to be someone you’re not at times…to pretend…to find love…to not be ashamed…These motions just fill my head with thoughts about life and what the first of the month has already brought.

I’ve been wanting to do a youtube video, outreach to those who have messaged me on youtube/email, but honestly I wanna give my 100%, but I can’t right now since I’m dealing with all this…I really think it got to me yesterday when my coworker reminded me about the 6th…our anniversary…(but we were never together…) I started to replay the first date, the first of many things, conversations, talks…it seem to just fade as one disappointment led to another…

I cry when I watch movies because its an easy way for me to let out how I really feel. In love I was…and the heartbreak still remains…I’m trying my best to take my mind off it…and move on…but I feel doing that makes me escape the situation even more…Because I’m so busy…I don’t have time to just let myself grieve about the situation.

I’m okay…I will be…I just gotta get through all this day by day…we’ll start tomorrow.

January 2, 2011

iljb#142: Day 2 of the New Year

I can’t believe we’re just going through the new year like its nothing – well at least I am. This whole reflection about what 2010 means and what 2011 is going to be has just gotten me thinking a lot. My thoughts are busy trying to figure out what if anything, is the meaning of all that has happened to me from this point in my life. Nonetheless, I’m actually content…eh I lie…I’m okay with how life is…and the biggest reason why I am just okay is…I was in love in 2010.

Today at work I felt like I was keeping myself way to busy by just speeding through the day and just being in “work mode”. Work mode for me basically consist of myself not talking and just doing my job without any rest. So thats what I did. I was shocked myself because I haven’t done this in awhile and well …why start today? Well today…I actually got up on time and got to work on time…so that in itself might have been a foreshadowing of sorts…but still…I feel like I was trying to avoid a certain emotion/feeling during work. Then it hit me towards the end of my shift…I’m heart broken because I was in love in 2010.

I’ve never been in love and I guess I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself that I was/am in love. The feeling that I had with Danny was definitely real and it definitely made me feel good. I’ve been with guys that came close to Danny, but he was just it…he was the guy. But the biggest thing that prevented us from sticking it out is that he wasn’t ready to call me his bf, even when I was ready. I mean common sense says, you don’t wait for anyone and common sense definitely means somethings gotta give…so I gave…and let go. Something I’m so used to.

To interject this blog, I want to digress and speak upon a moment at work that kind of disturbed me and that is catching myself say, “Maybe I should focus my attention on women instead of men.” It was quiet amusing in the beginning because I tried and it was a fail off the bat. I even told myself, “The options are bleak…” haha I convinced myself that maybe if I looked at women…I would find myself wanting and being with a woman…yeahh…you go gay, and you can’t turn back that easily. I guess it was my way of just escaping this lonely feeling.

I couldn’t help but keep my eyes wandering at the eye candy at work that pass by. I mean thats what I usually do. I find a guy thats cute and tell myself that he’s the kinda guy I want or thats the kinda guy I wished I dated. Its like movies…but usually most of the guys I see are white…and I find myself saying I want a white dude. lol…there aren’t that many gay men that roll through the airport…and I just find myself wishfully thinking about what might be in the future.

I wish I could talk to my friends about this, however, none of them are in this current situation or have been in a long time and I feel like trying to relate this topic to them could find myself disappointed with what I hear. So I keep it to myself – only certain times do I open up about it…but overall I haven’t really talked about Danny to any of them to the extent that I want to. I feel like its a done topic…however it obviously isn’t done especially when I have so much to blog about.

I honestly wish that my viewers could take a look at how I think for one day and go through the shit that I have to deal with…it amazes me sometimes to find myself pushing through…even though I am so tired…

Speaking about being tired. I also told myself that I am working my ass off in January because I need to help my brother out/family. I am working not for myself, but for my family. Its a wonderful feeling when you get there to know that you can contribute and provide for your family…and they actually count on you to. I don’t know any of my friends family that expect them to do that now…and I wouldn’t wish that upon them. I am just blessed and fortunate that I do have two jobs that help myself and my family out. I used to be so selfish with my money and I used to not give a cent to my family. Which is expected I guess when you start making your own income. But after 2010, things changed and I definitely find my role as a brother/son much bigger than ever. I have a responsibility.

I tell myself, man you are soooo fucking amazing Joaquin because check this. Your a minority within a minority. You’re gay, who happens to have two jobs, who happens to have a degree, who happens to support his family, who happens to have a unbalance social anxiety within himself, and who happens to be single. HAHA I know, I know, it sounds like I’m trying to make myself come off as unique and fucking amazing compared to all those folks in the “scene”, but ….thats exactly what I’m saying HAHA.

It makes me wonder why I end up with guys who are great in the beginning, but turn out to be the guys who don’t have their shit straight. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t perfect, but I’ve worked my ass these 24 years of my life to be where I am. Nothing was ever handed to me. No one ever helped me through college the way most kids had help. I had to find it and work for it. I am just fortunate to have the experiences that I’ve had.

As Vince likes to put it for 2011, “Know your worth.”

He’s right, I need to remind myself each day. But it just sucks when I know myself what I’m worth, but its been proven time after time others don’t see that just yet. With failed attempts at relationships, each one seemed to have the same reason of why it didn’t work out. They weren’t on my level – and even if I tried to get them there – I didn’t want to change them from who they are…

My horoscope told me not to over think things this year…cause sometimes it will get me into more of a mess than I already am…I’m trying…I really am.

I want to be loved like I was in 2010…but with the right guy this time =/. I find myself rebounding to different things for temporary relief, but I find myself back to where I began…

I’m independent and only I really know how to work it out…trust I will…I just need to get all this out before I do…

I’m about to build my dresser…wish me luck =P

December 11, 2010

iljb#139: Not that depressed anymore…

I re-read my ideal guy…#45 i think…then i read #48…=/ crazy…

November 29, 2010

iljb#138: FRESH!

If I could go ahead and talk to myself a few months ago, back to when this all began, I would have just said – GO FOR THE BLACK ONE! haha. I ended up not listening to myself, but ended up following my heart, where it was left – with him. < How dramatic was that line hahaha. OBVIOUSLY, dramatic is my life – so lets just keep it that way. Onward fellow readers!

FRESH! I need a fresh outlook on life right now and I am at the brink of doing so. Before December drops, I will take the opportunity for these next two days to really reorganize my priorities. I note this quote from twitter: Action expresses priorities. ~ Mohandas Gandhi

With that said, I shall do some fall cleaning before I enter the new year. I have about 33 days to do this and I know I can.

I am blessed to have an amazing job (2 in fact), an amazing family (who I feel need to get a documentary started because shit lol), wonderful friends, and everything else. I am blessed.

I owe it to myself to start FRESH before 2011. ITS MY TIME TO SHINE ONCE AGAIN.

NO BULLSHITTERY this time around. I learned my lessons in 2010.

November 22, 2010

iljb#137: Everything and Anything

I absolutely love, love this quote. Its so true and I believe thats what I’ve done each year, each month, each passing day. I’m in a world right now where the only things that matter to me are the ones closest to me. Unfortunately, those who aren’t lucky enough to be within that circle, will never know what it feels like to have “me” in their life. Those who have lost me, will someday realize how good it was to have me, and those who currently treasure the fact that I am close enough to them will realize how wonderful and lucky they really are to know and have me in their life.

I look at it this way, I’m not a hard person to get a long with. Though, there are so many guidelines to being my friend, I feel that those guidelines are simple and aren’t rocket science. You follow simple steps and you realize being my friend isn’t that hard. Its easy. You make a few mistakes here and there, we fall out, but if you really matter we come back to each other in the end. Thats the beauty. If we’re meant to be, we’ll find a way back to each other.

Thats everything and anything.

November 16, 2010

iljb#135: Focusing on…

I’d love to say me, but its my job. I’m focusing all my attention on my job because I love it. Honestly, I have probably 5-6 hrs to myself and the rest of the day is spent sleeping or working. It actually is worth it because I work hard and its not that hard (what I do). Its chill and folks are nice. I like where I work.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…second

Family. I am so surprised how much me getting this job has gotten me closer to my mom and sister. Additionally, my family is just happy that I have a job and I update them about whats going on. Its nice. This Christmas is gonna be amazing for our family. Its not about the gifts that will be present this year, but the fact that we all were able to survive 3 years of bullshit. It was all worth the wait. All of us I think grew from the experience and we’re moving full speed ahead. For the first time in my life, I’m putting my family second and thinking about them. They deserve it.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…third

I’m focusing on me. Getting my shit together and what I want in life. I’m taking it day by day and each day brings a new revelation and experience that I didn’t learn from the previous day. I can honestly say that I am at my ultimate peak in my life because I know I can handle anything that can come my way. People come and go in my life, but honestly I think I already know those who will stay. The family & friends who’ve seen me grow. Unfortunately, I’m still dealing with those who just use me for whatever it is sex, money, friendship…alalaala whatever that might be. I think I’m just over it because I’ve put focus on my job, family, and myself I find it hard to put everything else in the forefront. Its time to give what hasn’t been given much attention that NEEDED attention. I’m sorry – but I think that relationship I was in “relationship” is going to have to be put on a hold – maybe for temp, but most likely for good. I can’t take care of another right now if I got three other things in a priority. Honestly, he had his chance and this “break” was just the ultimate final straw. I had to do it for us. I already saw he wasn’t where he was supposed to be and I was at a different end. We weren’t on the same page and even though I tried to say we were…we really weren’t. Crazy how a few weeks can change that. Oh well, lesson learned.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…fourth

Everything else. Hanging out and doing fun stuff just comes last now. I think I’ve spent enough of my years having fun and don’t get me wrong I think I still have time to have fun, but not like I used to. I’m on my grind and this is what it is. I live to work bc I need to help my folks and myself out. If I wanna move out, get a new car, help my family, and have a permanent job I need to honestly hold it down and toughen up. I know my priorities and its easy for me to say no to those that aren’t my priorities.I am blessed to have those who continuously stick with me. I don’t have time for bs friendships or acquaintances. After awhile you realize whose down for you and whose in it to just get you.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…and well thats my story and I’m sticking to it


November 3, 2010

iljb#134: LIFE in WORDS

The best part about having a job – is having a job.

It took me 2 months to knock down some interviews and search for some career options. Had a few interviews – all of which failed, but got a call randomly one day from a recruiter asking if I was interested in a job opportunity. All this search landed me this job I currently have and the rest is history. What made me feel so much better about my job today is the fact that my manager said that we (my group) was hand picked to be part of the team (we were split into two groups, the group I am in was the one hand picked =]). It felt so good to hear her say that – gave me a little bit more pride and motivation that this was meant for me. She told us that she wants 100% conversions from seasonal to permanent, which is most likely going to happen just as long as we do our job. She added (which I loosely translate) that don’t fuck up this job because with the tough economy right now, folks would die to just be in our shoes with a job. And shes damn right for that one. I work for a health care CORPORATE group representing the San Francisco. Its entry level, folks are chill, I get paid weekly, and I know I can move up and excel =]. This is it for me for now. This is how I’m going to make it big and help myself be once again financially stable. I work from 8:30-5pm which is great cause I like that schedule – but I think it might change soon.

I help physicians clients see if their insurance cover for their procedure and see how we can help in insuring that if it doesn’t, other options available. The health care career was never in my prerogative and it has been such a surprise that I enjoy what I do. We go LIVE on Monday and I’m all ready to take the challenge. SHOOT I already speed through my staging with the IV counselors and they already say that I got it – its about practice =]. I gots this. I am so blessed. I am.

In addition, I still have my other job at Kleins which I am keeping for the weekends. So literally I have no day off now, but thats fine because I work hard for that money and I know in the end it’ll all work out. The weekend job will shortly fade out by 2011 because of the lay off, but that’s fine. This weekend job is for extra help, while my current job is for bills and such. Ahhh it feels good to be in the real world…not as hard as I thought it would be.

I am blessed. I don’t got much to really worry about and I don’t need to worry about much, just as long as I do what I can and work hard with what I can. I’m a lot closer to my family and I’m loving it. Some things will have to take a backseat and thats fine.

For now…I’m happy with my job…=] POTENTIAL most def.

PS. I don’t have time for bullshit, so I wont put up with it.

October 1, 2010

iljb#132: Come A Long Way

Today marks the very beginning of something new. Today I leave September behind and welcome October into my life. September was alright, but I know October will be just what I needed. It was nice to just be lazy for a change at the end of September – I rarely if any get those days where I feel that way…it feels nice, it reminds me that I am human and I can get lazy because most of the time I’m so uptight in making that doe.

I’m a hustler and thats what I’ve been doing. I’ve said it to a few and to myself more recently, but its so true – I have been the most financially stable than I have ever been in my life…it feels great. Knowing that I don’t have to save hella (because I’ve been doing that currently) to just make ends meet. I have more than enough to buy whatever, do whatever, spend whatever, but don’t get it twisted, I earned each and everything I make.

Today marks the beginning of my fitness. No RICE for a month or bread…so whats left? mmmm healthy food I guess? Soda is out of the picture…it’ll just be water. And I guess really making it a point to work out. I wanna make 3 months from now count, so by 2011, I’ll feel and look good. So its gotta start somewhere right? And it starts today.

Its almost 3 and I’m still up…sigh…

I’m tired of faulty people who fuck up my game. Its whatever…I ain’t trying to let it phaze me. I got other things to put my energy towards – thats your fault if you wanna hate on me.

BTW, I found this great KOREAN site to learn how to speak KOREAN. I’m excited. Its my new hobbie for now…
WELL HAPPY PILIPINO AMERICAN HERITAGE MONTH =]

September 28, 2010

iljb#131: Hate to say this…

Do I feel this way because I feel insecure or do I feel this way because I really do feel this way? I’m evaluating my relationship with D and honestly I’m thinking, if he tells me that he feels he doesn’t deserve me and he says he still needs to work on more and I don’t really see it…its like what am I doing here? I mean I’m so patient and I honestly don’t want to rush folks, but its like…get with it…I ain’t trying to half ass my time with you…and to be honest I feel like you do.

My thing is, you gotta be on your A game at all times or try to be. Its okay if you B it sometimes, but being your BEST and being the BEST at all times makes this relationship work 10x better. Am I making excuses for his short comings? Am I the one who is in fault? Do I really deserve this? Or am I simply settling because its there…

I’m definitely going to ask him, what exactly is he working on and if he feels hes working on it. Last week we were supposed to go to the movies and well we didn’t cause he forgot the tickets at home…I dunno about you but thats stuff that you really need to be on point with especially if its a DATE. Regardless if you have work and shit, thats part of your schedule. It just didn’t make sense, but me being me I let it go…kinda…I was attitudy the whole day…lightweight taking it out on him.

So I need to remind myself I am a 10 and I deserve nothing less than that. I gotta remind myself that I do all these great things for guys that to get in return is not much to ask. I’m not trying to be someone else’s babies mama and I honestly don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I just need communication.

Well I really hate to say this, but I regret saying that I was in love with him…sigh…maybe it was the idea that I loved…and even at that…I had to remind him about the message.

Points to remind myself.

What is he working on? A game forgetting the tickets…small things are big things too.When I’m upset – just hear me out and let me be upset. Paying – something I need to work on.

September 19, 2010

LIKE this…

September 11, 2010

another thought