Archive for December 18th, 2009

December 18, 2009


December 18, 2009

iljb#78: =/

$352 and then some…

Just looking at the debt that I have…I dunno =./ this xmas isn’t look great at all.
I’m just sad because I know once new years kicks in all the hard work I did will all go to rent again…then I’ll have to wait 2 more weeks for another check and my bills will keep coming because I haven’t paid shit…my parking is getting ridiculously high =/ so is my BOA card…shit…

I dunno…I guess its a reason why I’m not doing a lot of things with friends this time around. Its like how can I give to folks if I can’t even give to myself. Yeah know? I’m just struggling everyday to just make it…=/ luckily I got that bonus…but thats all going to bills…

Merry Xmas Joaquin…sigh =/ it makes me sad that this is the 2nd year that I feel this way about xmas, however the first year that I really just don’t care for it…how can I be in a holiday mood if there’s nothing to really be jolly about.

You wanna talk about who has it hard? Shit…come and sit down with me…I’ll tell you ALL about it. =/


December 18, 2009

iljb#77: Getting back to BASICS

I guess I had to go through the most fucked up month, endure the most hurtful weeks, and take in the days that came to fully regain a sense of myself – who I was before all this was. Remembering the strength I had before he came a long, before fixed friendships, before family drama, before school hit. Remembering the strength I had is something euphoric right now and I’m trying to basque in its memory.

Remember your worth – I kept reminding myself this all through the summer and all through the beginning of school. Since I’ve forgotten that along the way, I now remember why its important. If he don’t like you, can’t handle “this” thing you’re putting out, can’t hang – then shit wasn’t worth the time in the end. Take it for what it is and move on – remembering your worth before 2009 ends is muy importante.

Courage and strength – Remember that you have a voice and that voice is powerful. No matter what may come your way, stand your ground. If you don’t like it – say something. If you’re sad, pissed, depressed, happy, whatever – DO IT and be proud doing it. Not many people will realize this until later on – but you know it now…remember your courage and strength. YOU ARE SUPERMAN!

Forgive – Whatever happened in the past happened for a reason – move on now because life is to short to be wasting on unhappy thoughts. Remember to attain your goal, you must be happy. But you can’t be happy unless you let go of all those negative nancies. Forgiveness is hard, but truth be told, one who forgives is the happiest of all.

Happiness in me – When it comes down to it, you can only rely on yourself and no one else. You can make yourself sad – but you have the power to make yourself happy. DO JUST THAT – be happy and actually BE happy. Things could be worse. Its in you – you just have to find it again.

The basics…I’m realizing that maybe I was ready to settle down…but I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t. I have so many dreams and goals…that I guess if he ain’t there to witness them then shit…I guess it wasn’t worth it. I’ll be okay…I’m okay. Even though its been only 2 days since I’ve talked to him – its been hard…

Mornings aren’t the same…neither are night times…afternoons are dull…eh…but it goes to show I was dependent on him…I gave it my best 100% and I have no shame.

Lets get back…get it all back…