Posts tagged ‘work’

December 31, 2010

iljb#141: Ring in 2011







2011 Overview

Whew! Feel that enormous burden sliding off of your shoulders, like you’ve been carrying around an overstuffed backpack for the last couple of years? That would be Saturn, planet of structures and limitation, moving out of your sign. Congratulations, first of all, on having simply made it through more or less in one piece. You passed through the fire and made it out the other side.

Now, what to do with that spiritual Medal of Honor you’ve earned? Well, for one thing, establish who it is you really are with both yourself and those around you. Your ability to quietly endure both the big and little outrages of life have served you well in the last couple of years, and many of those around you may have come to assume that either it wasn’t as rough on you as it was, or that you are somehow made of steel. In fact, you may have come to the same conclusion yourself. Virgo has a reputation for being able to take care of others with the best of them — but can you turn that same care and attention on yourself? That’s the big question you’ll be facing in 2010.

The good news (beyond simply less bad news) is that there will be all kinds of opportunities opening up for you in new directions as far as fun, recreation and romance. So take advantage of those whenever you can. You’ve earned it!

As much as I look back on 2010 reminiscing about the good, the bad, and everything in between; what I know for certain is that this year had definitely set me up for what is in store for me in 2011. One year from now, when I look back at this blog, I’ll know that 2011 would definitely be the year of wonderful things ranging from the small to the very big. Whatever it might turn out to be, I’ll know that I was prepared to take on 2011 before it even began.

A Summary of 2010
I began with a huge break up in 2010. I was heartbroken and I couldn’t see through the rain. I was devastated with Danny and how we ended things. I ended up rebounding myself on to Andy which was in retrospect was a really bad idea. Another devastated experience came with that and I found myself not understanding what exactly was wrong with me (relationship wise). I had other things I had to take care of, like graduating and preparing to graduate in the spring. With 2009 done, 2010 had a lot of business I had to take care of. PACE, PCN, FilGrad, Project Connect, Kleins…a lot was piled in the few months I had before graduation. I slowly trusted my friends with what I felt and experienced in life by confiding in them with my deepest fears, concerns, and dreams. Somewhere in the middle of the year, I found myself back with Danny, but this time around I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t going to back down from that. I was partnered on youtube (which was amaaazing), and the thought of moving to LA by the end of the year took over.

Graduating and the process leading up to that was worth all the sweat and tears. FilGrad/Directing PCN/& Project Connect contributed to the overall experience that is graduation. I wouldn’t have asked for more and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. I was also told I was going to revisit/re-meet my cousins in a long time. That was definitely an amazing experience because I felt this time around I would make connections without being shy. At that point in my life, I grown fond of family and understanding its root. I also contributed in helping out my sister get her job back. The waiting period was long, but worth the wait. I was experiencing the ultimate high in the summer with Danny by my side and with my friends along for the ride. Socalebration was amazing as usual and made me reflect on how wonderful my friends are.

Entering the fall, I had a lot of dreams and passions that I wanted accomplish before 2010 ended. I searched for jobs online and figured out that it was hard. I had a few interviews here and there and fucked up on a $40,000 salary job, which I didn’t get. However, I had much more respect for myself in letting that get to me. I definitely made it a point to focus on those who are important in my life. My sister finally got her job back and my family’s 3 year struggle would soon end. We talked about heading to the Philippines in the end of the year. Everything in my life turned for the best soon after, when I got a call from Aerotek about a job opportunity. By the end of October, I had a new job that paid well. Post Grad didn’t seem to be so bleak.

November was a time for change. Moving to LA was definitely postponed due to my new job, my relationship with Danny soon would end because I couldn’t handle not being official, and the focus to my family soon became a major priority. Going to the Philippines was postponed, but the experience with my family grew stronger as the weeks passed. I soon became busy due to having two jobs. Refocusing on myself. Dealing with the “break up” was difficult, but I seem to managed. Entering December, I was filled with joy and appreciation of how far I’ve come.

As I write this I look back at a rough start of 2010, but realizing how blessed I am ending with a bang. I couldn’t have asked for more. I have a soon to be permanent job that pays well, my family and I are embarking on getting my brother his job back, and my friends and I are gonna go through another year filled with wonderful experiences. Though I ended this year much like last year with a broken relationship, I can say that I am okay with it and I am better off without one. Though I may want that comfort and that intense love that I had – I can say that I redirected all that love back to my family, friends, and work. I came out on top this year in 2010 and I am every grateful. God took care of me this year when I felt lost and couldn’t find my way. God reassured that I was going to make it on top, but I didn’t know how. Now I know and its amazing.

2010 will be dubbed as the year I grew a better appreciation of the people around me. Redirected my focus on my family and responsibilities. Most importantly, grew more self respect/self worth for myself. There were many instances in 2010 that were bad, but when I sum things up now, those don’t even come to view. The good definitely weighed in more this year than the bad.

2010 WAS AWESOME!

What to look forward to in 2011?
I definitely know 2011 will continue to bring wonderful surprises for my family. I am working my ass off to help them get back on their feet. I am working on also bringing back the joy and happiness that was once there. After 3 years of pain, its time to make that all up by helping contribute what I can. I know will make it through 2011 and finally be the family I know we can be.

Relationships with my friends can only become stronger. I know that we’ll have more to look forward to this year, more to laugh, more to cry, more memories to share with one another.

Work will look bright for me. I know because I am working my ass off to get perm. (which I will by the end of Jan). My deli job will help me get that extra income I need. I need to always remind myself how grateful I am to even have a job, let alone two. I am so grateful.

This year marks my 25th year. I can’t believe it! I can not believe it =] Big things for a big number.

REALationships =/ well, I can’t go into 2011 expecting anything because I can’t. All I know is, I will be stronger and wiser with the guys I experience this year. I’m done with playing around, I’m done with just fake ass promises, talk is to easy, and I know through my experiences I can identify all that better. I want to be in a relationship in 2011, but I’m not in a rush to do so. If 2011 brings me my guy, then so be it. If it doesn’t then I’m cool with that too.

YOUTUBE & such, I’m excited to say that I have things in store for my channel – with continued support from folks around the world, I know my channel will continue to help others like it has. I can’t wait for what I bring to the table in 2011. =] This message particularly to those who have messaged me in 2010 through facebook. I want to thank you for trusting me with your life, experience, love, friendship, etc. Thank you for looking up to me, giving me advice, hating on me, giving me something to think about. Thank you for loving me, listening to me, being there for me when I felt no one was. Its a crazy unique experience that we have on youtube. My ROOMIES – you all are definitely a part of contributing to this wonderful year that is 2010. I owe each and every one of you. If you’re reading this, you are the definite few that have touched my life.

So, lets ring in 2011. Its something big, something awesome, something I can’t wait for to happen…The countdown begins =].

2011 Resolutions.
Be authentic
LAAAAUGHHH more
Go and try something new each month
LIVE in the moments
Smile more
Work out more
Appreciate each day
Go to church
Spend more time with family
Stop being “mean”
Save money to move out
Fix my car/or get a new car
Pay my debts
Get perm. job
Be in love again
Run the lake
Take pictures
Write more/poetry/stories
Eat good food
Drink/Happy hours
Spend time with coworkers
Watch good movies
Have a balance of spending
Be a better friend/son/brother/coworker
ENJOY LIFE

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December 24, 2009

iljb#79: A unso-Merry Christmas

I came home yesterday with the anticipation of being home, trying to not let all the family troubles get to me, but as soon as I got to the living room and I looked at our tree, my mom sadly commented in tagalog, “Aw look at our tree, no gifts this year.” I know its been a rough year, especially these couple of months, but I was looking at the tree and didn’t care what was or what wasn’t underneath. Lets just say it was a lot different from last year and the many years before that. I reflected on my Christmases before and how long it took for our family to unwrap all the gifts, as the years got harder, the gifts under the tree got less and less, and the unwrapping of gifts were prolonged to make up for the lack of gifts. I can’t say that my family was materialistic, we just loved buying stuff and getting stuff for each other…this Christmas truly reveals that family and good food is more important that anything I will ever get wrapped underneath a tree.

I woke up this morning to the conversation of my mom and sister talking about how my brother didn’t get the google job. My mom then went on worrying if it was going to be the same thing when my brother takes his promotion. I didn’t want to wake up to family troubles…I really just wanted to just have peace at home and just pretend everything is ok. Last night my brother was talking to my mom and sister about his promotion, I was barely listening, but my brother commented on his condition expressing to us how he looks like a freak and he feels uncomfortable. He even said that his friend didn’t even recognize him. My sister comforted him saying that he looks fine whereas my mom was saying that she noticed hair growing. To lighten up the mood my brother commented on me saying I don’t even recognize him and that I should give him some of my hair. The truth was…yeah I don’t recognize him…I just don’t know how to act…I can’t even look at him cause I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable with me being uncomfortable. Before we went to bed, my mom repeatedly said to pray for my brother…

My mom has been working her ass off to keep this family alive. With her little motivation and optimism that “everything will be okay, just pray” kinda attitude – she worries a lot. She worries how she’s going to help my brother with finances and his health. How shes going to be able to put food on the table with her social security check plus try to pay for the other bills on top of that. My family is running on two incomes my brother and my mom…thats it. My mom shouldn’t have to worry, but she does…this Christmas she has a lot to worry about…I still can’t get her voice out of my head when she broke down crying, wondering what shes going to do…

My eldest brother like I said is the second one who pays for rent and everything else. He works 5 days a week and then some as a Supervisor of sorts for Frys. He’s been working there for almost 15 years and has yet got his million that Fry’s promises each employee who stays that long. Last month was rough for my brother and my family because he suddenly lost all his hair. His medicines are costly and he still doesn’t know whats wrong with him. We don’t have enough money to find out whats wrong. Hes sick, but hes still pushing through as though he was 100% healthy. I realized that he has a lot on his plate and I don’t blame him for being pissed and unhappy at times – especially now. I’m not sure whats going to happen – but I’m waiting until next month to once again help out the family. I pray he gets better – I know he will. This Christmas – I’m not sure what my brother is thinking, but he is the only person whos gotten the family at least one gift…he really doesn’t have to. =/

My sister, she has been out of a job for almost 2-3 years now. Its been rough because she was the main financial bearer for the family. When my sister had a job, our family had everything. I took advantage of that a lot…I took it all for granted. My sister is super smart and can do anything – she just can’t work. So now shes left being my mothers companion every day – helping around the house, going out for some fresh air, and doing house work. Before, she never did any of that because she was busy working. My sister is religious and well she knows she has to trust God in all this – which she does. I’m waiting for next month to help her get back to the process of everything. Hopefully she’ll have a better 2010. I’ll help her…I need to. She cooks for me and makes sure I have food…this Christmas she has a lot to worry about, but a lot to look forward to.

My second brother is the one who didn’t get the job from google. Hes well qualified and he passed the test, he just can’t work. I overheard my mom saying he was crying when he found out this morning. He had a job a year ago and that Christmas was a little better because of it, but he was laid of months later. He hasn’t found a job since. All he does really is stay in his room…I don’t know what else…he downloads movies and plays video games…but he stays in his room. I feel bad because he really needs a job cause he deserves so much more. I remember he bought the coolest Christmas presents for everyone…he was thoughtful…now – he puts what he can on the table and prepares the food. This Christmas isn’t really starting off great for him after the sad news this morning, but I know he’ll make it out soon…actually…I really don’t know. He’s going to mass with us tonight, like he always does once a year, maybe he’ll pray for something good to come his way.

Now…where do I fit in? I feel like such a stranger here…especially since I don’t live here anymore. I do my thing in SF then come here and its like I’m burden even more. I want to help them, which I’m in the process of doing by taking two jobs next semester, but even that – I don’t know how much more I can stretch myself. I mean shit, I’m graduating next year…its going to be busy. I’m applying for the masters program, I’m going to try to do well in that one class I have next semester, and do all the other extra shit that I always do. PCN is definitely not in my eye sight. I guess…my horoscope was right today, I’m best doing everything solo for now. Out of all my friends, I have it hard, for all my friends they can rely on their family for support or at least something to look forward to. If anything, its the opposite in my family, they look to me for support and hope – which I’m trying my best to do. Thats why I’m picking up work hours – 8 hrs shifts a day – mornings and closing. Even though I don’t want to work – I have to. I wish I could buy my family presents, but from all the money I made – I’m trying to pay off $200 worth of parking tickets (my stupid fault), bills, phone bills, rent, and food! I just have to wait a few more weeks until financial aid…and then it’ll be okay again…but fuck…I’ve had such a hard semester, on top of losing my job, on top of friendships be complicated, on top of my family troubles, on top of loosing my guy interest…

I’m sorry that I felt like I had an UNSO Christmas feeling this whole time…I gotta make my life worth it, I gotta make LIFE happen, I gotta do this even if it hurts me…I leave Dec. 26th – early in the morning for work. At least I get to spend time with my family for two days…at least I have a family.

Its been a hard hard year…I’m been trying my best to look at the bright side of things…but family is first, then me, then the rest of the world – and if my family ain’t doing good – why should I? I don’t think its right…I rather suffer with my family than be happy without them.

Like I said, this Christmas isn’t about the gifts that are or not under the tree – but rather the family and good food that I do have that counts…

2010 will be a lot better.