iljb#33: ESCAPE

Sometimes I feel like I’m in this [life] by myself. As though I am walking solo with no one in front, back, or by my side. SOMETIMES, I get this way and need a constant reminder to myself that I am only human and I expect WAY, way to much out of myself.

ESCAPE. Thats what I need. An escape from life and go on some kind of vacation. HOLD. Thats the problem right there…I’m pissed that I don’t have a vacation to spare. ALL my four years in college, my summer has been consisting of work. WORK, work. Why must I work? So I can live in the city. Can I ask help from my family? No…and if it is, it is the last result. They ask me for help for crying out loud – financially. I guess today was my burn out from life. Been working this whole summer and as I reflect on what I’ve done…well…I have done stuff…I just feel like the routine that I go through everyday has been my summer – which it has. Maybe I’m just bitter? Maybe, I’m just scared and worried about my interview tomorrow? You know, if I don’t get this job tomorrow, it will be another set back for me and for my ego. Right now, I am in an ultimate down point. Trying to prevent myself from sinking into another deep depression. FOR damn sure…if I tell my friends that I have depression again – it will be frowned upon and then shrugged…or even worse…not even acknowledged. I guess thats why I’m keeping to myself once again…just trying to figure my shit out before I hang out, talk to, just communicate with others. However, I did have a big progress with Eric in us talking today. It felt nice. HOWEVER, still doesn’t explain why I feel like such a bitch. And when I bitch…I swear its the ugliest sight of me. I rarely let my bitch out…and when it does…its like I don’t even wanna talk to myself either. Maybe its the fact that at work today, I did all the preclosing before Sinaya came in to her shift…and I had to front that I did it all for her…and she just shrugged like it was nothing. I wanted to say, BITCH I FUCKING DID THIS FOR YOU BECAUSE I KNOW YOU LIKE TO GET SHIT DONE AND NO IT WASNT MARIA NOR JON THAT DID ALL THIS. IT WAS ME BITCH….but I didn’t. Did I mention I got written up today at work for being short in my cash drops? YEAH…I told Jon, fuck I shoulda just stole the money and got written up. He agreed. Its like fuckk dude…=[ I hate getting written up. And Maria has to be soo nice about it to that its kinda awkward. GREAT way to start the day right?

I watched MJs memorial and I got really emotional today. I cried – which I didn’t think I’d cry THAT much…but I did. IT was kinda gross. LOL but nothing out of the usual I cry by myself. haha. But it made me reflect on mj and the man he was played out to be and the man that he was. Nevertheless he was/is the king in many ways than one. It just erked me how folks were complaining that the news was making it such a big frigging deal when other shit is happening in the world. WAIT hold on…are you joking me? This guy is known all over the world, contributed a lot of shit to the world, and you probably wouldn’t have the experiences you had if it weren’t for mike and his music. ITS like fuck dude…folks around the world wanted to pay respect to the man for one last time…shit. YES there are other shit in the world that are going on, but so is MIKES memorial. It just gets me mad cause its like damn he’s done so much and left us with memories – even if we didn’t know him, he indirectly affected pop culture and how things are today. SO YEAH, I think it was necessary to have that memorial. UGH. I cried when his brother sang smile and when those kids came out to sing at the end of the memorial…then Paris crying. AHHHHH it was just emotional…and I just reflected on my life and everything else going on.

For once…I’m not worried about family. For once, I’m not worried about men or BOYS. For once I’m not worried about that shit. What I am worried about is my future, jobs/interviews, and relationships with people [friends]. Something for a change aye? I dunno…I feel like I need to disconnect with life right now because I’m obviously not charged. YA feel me? JOAQUIN can’t always keep a smile and if he does…something behind that smile is bothering him…USUALLY. SIGH…

I’m too complicated to understand, even for me. I worry to much. I do too much that I just wish sometimes I was just normal. I mean really normal. Like why can’t I just not give a fuck ya feel me? I just want to escape…MAN…maybe finances are the biggest worry thats taken over my whole aura … it always does. 😛 SO many things.

I just think today because I had a bad day, everything else just fell under it…such a poop I swear. SIGH…OK…all I need to do is breathe….
MAKES me feel okay when I hear this song…

Whitney Houston – I Didn’t Know My Own Strength
Lost touch with my soul
I had no where to turn
I had no where to go
Lost sight of my dream,
Thought it would be the end of me
I thought I’d never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to,
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

Found hope in my heart,
I found the light to life
My way out the dark
Found all that I need
Here inside of me
I thought I’d never find my way
I thought I’d never lift that weight
I thought I would break

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

There were so many times I
Wondered how I’d get through the night I
Thought took all I could take

I didn’t know my own strength
And I crashed down, and I tumbled
But I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn’t know my own strength
Survived my darkest hour
My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up
Hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn’t know my own strength

You know…I don’t show my sensitive side, nor my vulnerable side EVER…but i do have that side…its buried. =/ SIGH…BIG SIGH….wish me luck tomorrow. >< =P

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