Archive for ‘Mos’

September 28, 2009

iljb#52: Language Should Never Be An Excuse

Working for XpresSpa has truly opened my eyes about differences, especially with language. As much as I sometimes don’t understand certain people at work, I still can get by with the little things they say. Doesn’t mean they’re stupid, doesn’t mean they don’t know, just means that they’re working harder than you are to explain themselves. If we look at it in the bigger picture, both are just trying their best to get whatever they need to across.

I feel so guilty, especially after my coworker helped me a lot tonight. My first impression about Selena was that she was rude or stuck up from my other coworker Pei. She told me that she doesn’t like Selena cause she gets all the commission. I’ve also heard from folks that Selena is always doing way too much. I caught myself tonight falling into their “gossip” about Selena. It wasn’t until tonight that I found out who the REAL Selena is…she is so much like me.

She kept on reiterating, “Just do your best.” I admired her so much tonight for the fact that she was proving her point, “doing her best”. She also forewarned me that DRAMA is not her thing, if folks want to put her name in their mouths, they’re gonna have to deal with her and only her personally. Even though she speaks broken english, I totally got what she meant. She is a hard working, after all, she has been working there for two years, she knows wassup. I feel bad because I had a totally wrong impression of her. She knows when to play and when to work. She taught me way better than Pei did last week. Thank God, cause now I feel more confident about the job and closing. Selena does her job well and I feel bad that I let language and “other people” help me judge her before I even got to know her.

I ended up thanking her and I kept on reminding myself that this is what I would want future employees to hear, the real story. I am also realizing that I am 23 and the rest of em are either 19-20 or older. I know wassup too…I just need to get used to the job.

I like this job, I really do. I’m happy here =].

I must say, even though today was hard…waking up at 6 and closing and arriving home at 12…its all worth it. I can do it. Even though I’m tired as hell…I know I got this. God has me on this one. Even though I got sick this past week, I know God got me.

He’s blessed me with school, family, 2 jobs, friends, and a wonderful companion that I am falling for real hard. =] I am truly lucky and grateful to be where I am right now. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

I am realizing small things, little things, create the bigger, and better picture of life.

On a side note, I need to keep reminding myself, my self worth. How wonderful and talented I am. I am amazing because God has blessed me so much. ❤

I am blessed…

PS. I love my picture for this blog…does not even relate LOL haha lighten up, life isn’t always so serious =].

September 19, 2009

iljb#50: I’m BFBRN

Sitting in a library on a Saturday isn’t exactly what I call “fun”, but I guess I have to do what I got to do to stay on top of things right? (BTW, I am still procrastinating on my actual homework lol). These past two weeks ever since school has become a lifestyle in my life, I have been making it a point to go to the annex and get some work done. I realized that my apt. isn’t really the best idea to get this kind of work done…then again, here I am sitting, writing this blog. lol. I must say, I’ve been piling on dates after dates on my agenda and icalendar. Most of it happens to be academic. CRAZY, I feel like an adult…I’m a “Big Fucking Boy Right Now (BFBRN)”. I’m doing big things and I feel good that I can handle this shit. Its overwhelming, but at the same time…this is nothing compared to what teachers have to face, so I’m taking it with strides.

When I finish my semester, I want to be able to look back and say DAMN RIGHT I’M A FUCKING BOSS! lol. This sem. is definitely going to test my skills in working under pressure, esp. with deadline after deadline. In addition working two jobs. Speaking of which, I calculated my finances (I guess I was balancing my checkbook? lol) and I estimated with the two jobs I have, I can possibly save 5,000 dollars by the end of this sem. You know how amazing that sounds and how crazy it will be if I do accomplish that? I swear, this secret business is working like nothing. In the very beginning of the semester, I made goals on what I want to accomplish before school began and they were big goals…pay debt, help family expenses, etc. When I looked back on that list today, I checked off most of it with the Masters program left as an exception. I am so proud of myself. So setting this goal to save 5,000 is possible and I can do it. It just takes time and most definitely patience, who knows, I could possibly make more than that.

Christmas already looks brighter =]. But honestly, did I really try and balance my checkbook lol…theres got to be an easier way =P however, I like my way. lol. MAN…this is what it means to be an adult? lol I basically still had $347 left for October after Septembers bills roll through. Ahhhh mazing =]. MAN I am so blessed…so grateful. SO FRIGGING happy.

Additionally, this “boy” has just got me smiling for days =]. ENOUGH said.

Anyway, I should get started with my lists…K. HW begins at 4:20 =] haha.

BFBRN! WORD!

September 7, 2009

iljb#48: …and its a good one.

I begin to relax and I let my mind settle for a min and let myself breathe. I breathe because I am alive, I breathe because I can, I breathe because it is just exactly what I need to do right now. And no, its not that kind of “I’m stressed out” kind of breathing exercise, but rather that breath that we all take for granted…and yes its a good one.

I completely have been overloaded with responsibilities, school work, work, and the ever changing lifestyle I commit to. Its exciting, yet so tiring at the same time. I remind myself that I can handle it because I know I can. I just got to make sure everything is on point and that I ain’t slacking. This Monday, I am making sure I am taking care of business, so that tomorrow I can just recover and tie up any loose ends…ya feel me?

I feel good about life right now. I know that even though recently this past week, I’ve had major bumps in the road, that the over all picture is still in tact and I ain’t trippin. I live life the way I want it to be, not the way I fear it to be. So before I get on with life today, I thought it would be nice to reflect on the wonderful day I had yesterday.

I had a wonderful time with a guy that I had never met before until yesterday. I was excited, scared, but over all over joyed that yesterday happened. How did all this begin? Well…with a simple text from me saying, “Oh I forgot you were on my phone list…hello”. He replied, “Oh so what are you doing tonight?” and I continued on texting, “Hanging out with you remember!” haha. I tried to be cute…and well it worked, he then went on saying, “How about Sunday?” A play date as he put it. Ever since that day, which was about a week ago, we’ve been texting each other every day just about our day and what not.

Now I went into this with no intention of getting with him or messing around. It was an honest “play date” and I really wanted to meet him. Since the bridge was in construction, he still took bart to see me. I find that really sweet =]. So before I picked him up, I light weight got nervous…I couldn’t believe I was meeting HIM. haha I mean he seems pretty popular on DL or whatever, but shrugs, thats my bad for even going there. I pulled up…and there he was. The first thing I catch is his beautiful smile and a wave saying hi. I tried to act cool, but inside I knew I was dying because he was definitely cute like his picture.

We drove down 19th and we were caught in traffic. I was irritate with the fact that there was traffic on a Sunday, but it gave room to get to know HIM. He told me later on that he was nervous and shaking, but I couldn’t tell really because I too was nervous and avoiding eye contact. However, when I did catch a glimpse of him, I couldn’t help but melt a little. haha. Again, no intention of doing stuff with him…just a simple hang out that I had in store.

We finally got to Kitaro sushi and luckily he’s never been there. He actually hasn’t been around SF he explained, which got me excited because I knew the spots I was taking him would be appreciated. I learned a lot about him and how hes not out yet…well to his family. I found it so interesting how 2-3 years ago he was straight…then became gay. haha he is that type of person that can be both and you wouldn’t expect it. He ate pretty fast while I just ate my udon, which by the way was bleh. I had to pee and while I was in the bathroom Celine Dion was working a song. I stayed in the bathroom for a little longer because I was getting it! haha.

We then went to our next destination. I jokingly asked him where we should go next and he replied with a shrug and said it was my job to plan it. I then said, “Where is the folder you said you’d bring.” haha. It was cute. I finally reviled to him that we were headed to Japantown. He exclaimed a big YAY afterwards. haha. Luckily he had been to Japantown before, he ended up giving me a guide of Japantown like I’ve never had before. I was then the giddy one. We walked into a lot of cute shops, I was stoked because I love Japanese novelty and what not. So cute! We then stopped at this car/automatic store where I decided to buy a car freshener (which by the way smells so good right now in my car lol). I was pleased with the buy. We then headed up to go get a crepe at Sophie’s Crepe. I had never ever had a crepe until yesterday…and inside I was giddy because I was able to enjoy the experience with him. I got a crepe chocolate with banana and some ice creme. YUM. I wish I had taken a picture of it =p boo. Like he did at Kitaro, he gulped the crepe right down, while I was still trying to figure out how to maneuver around it.

After we got done, we decided to drink sake. haha it wouldn’t have been a complete Japantown trip now would it? So we sat down at this quaint lil restaurant and drank. I got to learn more about him as the sake moment progressed. 21 questions and then some was the game. I found it cute that we both ended up being buzzed. haha. We walked out kind of dizzy…at least I was…and I couldn’t help but smile and think…damn he’s so cute! HAHA luckily I wasn’t an ass and blurted out, “HEY YOU’RE SO FRIGGIN HOT!” hahahahahha. That would have killed our kick it. haha. We headed down to a bookstore to just check out what they had, then found ourselves in the anime section. I separated from him and found myself looking at the Magna Carta book…I was so amazed because I love Magna Carta! Ahh the women in there are so hot. I want to draw like that one day. Soon after, he joined me for a lil bit and we exited to head to PikaPika.

By this time, I wasn’t too buzzed anymore, just excited about PikaPika. Its so crazy what Japanese people think of when it comes to photobooths haha. I loved it. My first time PikaPika’in. At first, it was a lil awkward cause I felt like it was a “couple thing” to do, but I got over it and went with it. I’m looking at the pictures right now and it is definitely ADORABLE. =] He has the best face LOL AHHHHH =].

After getting that over and done with, we got into the car and headed to our last destination. I couldn’t help but smile at him a lot cause he was definitely making it a great kick it. So we got there and the sun was setting. It was cute. We walked down this area near the Cliff House. When we got there it was breath taking the ocean, the view, everything was perfect. I told him that once we stopped he needed to ask me questions. haha

We ended up at this rock/muscle rock area thing. And stood as the waves crashed on the rocks and foamed the sand. Thats when I reminded him to ask questions. It started off with silly questions, then got to, “What’s your favorite part of the day.” and I replied…right now…he then nodded and agreed. Then…we’d catch each other smiling at each other and what not…continuing to ask questions. I then had the nerve to finally ask, “Can I get a hug.” cause I really wanted one. He then said yea. It was so romantic…the beach, the view, the gust of wind lol. He then surprised me with, “Can I get a kiss.” AHHHHHHH LMAO o – m – g. I didn’t even expect it to go there. FUCKKKK LMAO haha I then kissed him and I completely melted like a glacier! LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH he has the softest LIPS in the WORLD! I was like that is not a lip…that is like a babies butt LMAO it was sooo ahhh yum. I then asked, “Can I get another.” AHHHHHH it was so cute! I had never felt so good about a ending kick it turned date in my whole entire life. It was totally movie status. AHHHHH. He then asked, “What are you doing next weekend…can I see you again?” AHHHHHHHHHHHH that just did it for me. FUCK! haha. I felt like I had won a million bucks…I couldn’t help but smile.

The then “Kick it” had now turned into a date unexpectedly. It slowly dawned on us that it was getting colder and darker…so we headed back. Along the way, we’d stop and continue kissing each other. =] IT WAS CUTE! The hike however back was not crackin! OH hell to the mother fucking no. lol. I felt like an old man…literally…and it didn’t help I was walking next to Mr. FIT haha.

When we got to the car…I confessed to him that the reason why I texted him that one time is because I wanted to get to know him more…he replied with, “I’m glad you did.” It just felt good. It felt nice. And for a day…I felt like nothing else existed. He also mentioned he’s never had someone kiss his hand before like I did. I found that elementary to do…but I guess it made me feel good that I was the first to do it to him =]

The night ended with a lot of kissing and just the feel good memories we shared that day. I dropped him off and drove away hella cheesing. I slept real easy last night…aside from being tired lol.

It was sweet and amazing. =] For what it was…and whatever it might be…I’m grateful for the experience.

I did mention in earlier blogs that its good to be single…however, when you least expect it…moments like these occur. =] …and its a good one! =]

August 29, 2009

iljb#47: Rushing…

I feel like today was rushed to get to where I am today. I had work, did laundry, organized my life in between, and now awaiting my family to come and swoop me for dinner. I didn’t even eat all day because I’m waiting for dinner. (So bad). In any case, this rush is good. I feel this urge to make my first weeks the jump off of my whole year. It has just begun and I am already busy! I can’t hardly breathe haha. I’ve also been excited to do my hw – which is a first because I never ever feel excited to do hw. I just haven’t gotten a chance to peep at it because I have been lagging 2-4 hrs behind on schedule. But I’ll get there folks…it just takes time HA how ironic right?

I feel good today because I was able to pay off my best buy debt. Something I’ve been meaning to do for the last 2 years. I can’t believe it. I am stoked. I paid for it. Now I just hope my credit will be fine so I can actually get a REAL credit card. shoot. haha in addition, I was able to go to the dentist. =] Now all I need to do is get contacts and sign up for GRE. I am way more than enough money to handle myself this semester. I feel good because for the first time in awhile, I feel stable. I think its in part to the secret. DAMN secret really does work. =] I am grateful every day I wake up.

First thing I do when I wake up is acknowledge what I am grateful for and just thank everything for happening. I really do think this is why I have been so lucky these past weeks. I am so grateful for everything. Life, school, friends, family, my future ahead! I have been given this chance to make it big and I know I will be able to achieve anything if I just put my mind to it. IT is going to be a busy semester, but I know I am able to handle my own.

I work so damn hard to get where I am right now. It feels good to be where I am right now because with all the bad experiences I’ve had in the past year, all seem to be nothing but dust off my shoulder. I can lift my head up high and know that taking a risk, doing my best, and giving it my all is all that matters. Even when I’m down, I know theres a reason to be grateful. I do have those times, like recently, where I wish I had this and that, but I know that I am way blessed to have the things I have right now.

Because of faith, because of me, because of God – He is able to work his wonders through me. Could I have asked for a better birthday present? ha no.

On a side note.

Today at work I saw Jeff and his bf Anthony. It made me reminisce how I had a chance with Jeff, but couldn’t hang cause he obviously was not doing well in school. I tried no doubt, but it was just too complicated (haha a few months later he got with his current bf). Anthony, I’ve never really seen or met until recently. Never talked to him or whatever. But today just seeing Jeff and him – ugh made me jealous – like the fuck? YOU GUYS ARE HOT together haha. However, I reminded myself I hold my own pretty well and they aren’t at my level and I ain’t on theirs. Its all those could have, would have, man I wish I had…moments. He looked me straight in the eye to ask for water and I said to myself – damn you are grown – I remember you being so…lol I dunno even Ricardo and Ezra. The hell!?!?! haha I never really talked to Ricardo…and well Ezra haha. Its crazy how I will never understand their lifestyle, friendships, drama, or whatever because for me I know when I need to get the fuck out cause I ain’t having any of that. It made me say to myself, my man is coming. After all these great things happening to me, I know that he is coming too. 😛

I don’t need to hope…cause I know. What a rush right?

I am in a point in my life where if you ain’t on point I will leave. I am in a point in my life where school is definitely a priority as well as my career. I am in a point in my life where I feel great about everything =] Things are doing great for me. I am doing fine.

mmmm I think I’m just overwhelmed haha

August 28, 2009

iljb#46: The Semester Begins…

I think this is an appropriate picture to describe this past week. I can’t believe it my senior year. I can’t believe all these great things have been happening to me. I can’t believe I am so blessed!

After taking the test for the job interview I had for SpaXpress I was worried if I was going to get the job. The lady said I’d get a call. Well I guess today was that call. At first I didn’t get a voicemail message just a missed call from someone. I texted the person back and I got a call back. I was at work, so I checked the message when I went on my break. There it was – the call. When I got interviewed the lady said I’d have to take a test, after that I’d get a call to move forward with the application, then I could start working. That is exactly what Anka, my new manager told me, she told me that I needed to come in on Monday and we’ll start the process.

You should have seen me in the back room, I was jumping and ecstatic. I wanted this job so bad because it was me – I know that this job was made for me. I mean fuck…it says JOAQUIN all over it! Anyway, thats that. I still can’t believe I got the job…I’m still in shock. This is definitely a big accomplishment for me. I feel so good. It feels so right.=]

Addition to the good news, school has begun and each of my classes have interested me to the point where I WANT to do hw. Its crazy. I know this wont be temporary because I really do enjoy the major and the topics presented. I honestly can’t wait to see what the future holds for me. Grad school is just a few months away! After that…its all history! =] I am so blessed. I am definitely blessed.

I was walking to class yesterday and I was stopped by a woman who had a clip board about prop 8. I decided to listen and in the end I ended up donating 58 dollars to the cause. That felt good to me.

On top of that, I’ve opened a couple of new banks so I can allocate my money. So far so good. My bills are paid on time + rent. Things are just wonderful.

The greatest story of this week, aside from my wonderful SoCalebration, is the fact that I was able to help my family financially. Its been long awaited, but the wait is finally over. In a few months …things will look once again bright for my family. Knowing that I was able to help push to that direction makes me complete and whole. I can only see good things for my family.

My mom told me a beautiful story. She told me that last Sunday she prayed to God to help the family financially because they were out of food and necessities. After church she bought a scratcher…she won $500. She told me she was about to cry because God heard her prayers. I am a firm believer in all this. God is good. God is great. All good things happen because God makes it.

I am grateful for my family, friends, job, car, life, finances, school, EVERYTHING and anything that makes all this possible…its crazy…

If I could make a video of all the blessing JUST this past week, you’d be a believer too. I am blessed. I am loved. I am happy =]

August 16, 2009

iljb#45: The IDEAL Guy: “STORY TIME”

The guy on the left is my boyfriend…er what I want my boyfriend to look like. haha. So its crazy how I stumbled upon this video. I was listening to “Little Bit” by this guy and later on clicked on his other videos and saw his brother. I wanted to see what his brother looked like without glasses…and low and behold, I found my IDEAL guy.

I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t gay, but he does have features that remind me of every other typical gay Pilipino. haha which is good because he looks like the type of guy I’d get with =] RAWR. Anyway, I have been having this picture of this guy I want in my head now for the last couple of weeks and well I got his personality, background, and everything down, but his face…FINALLY today I stumbled on his face =] hehe.

So my ideal Guy? Well, I’m excited haha I’ve been meaning to blog about it for dayssss! Here we go! (BTW, I will be describing this guy as though I have already met the guy and know him =] thats what “THE SECRET” tells me to do haha)

So this guy and I met somewhere around SF … er around the bay area at a party/club/event something. I saw him and he saw me. I kind of just looked away but would catch a glimpse of him looking back at me. I thought it was fun because where ever I was, I was having a boring time, so he excited me. He didn’t look gay to me so I didn’t think much of it. But I did continue to glance at him whenever I could and I would see him do the same which made me giggle. The night is drawing to close and he actually comes closer to me and bumps me on accident – he or I drop something – and we both bend down to pick whatever we dropped up – it was definitely like the movies LOL – He then held whatever he dropped in his hand as he lightly wrapped his hand around mine. We both get a glimpse of each others eyes and for a moment it seemed like he and I were the only two people in the room.

He then apologizes and continues his way. I look back and smile. So my friends and I are about to leave and well I see him again taking another glance at me while he takes a sip of whatever he’s drinking as he casually continues to talk to his friends. He dresses nice thats for sure. That night I couldn’t help but think about him and how cute he was…didn’t even bother to ask his name…then again I thought he was straight haha.

So, the week goes on and I slowly forget that guy…I’m looking through facebook or something and there he is…just randomly THERE. haha I check his profile, but its private. So I say fuck it nm. haha but it does make my day. A few days later…I log on again and pop a message from that guy. He writes something cheesy along the lines of, “Hey you were at that lame party right?” haha he gets me to chuckle. however I message back saying, “yeah that was me”…I leave it pretty much short and sweet. He then replies with a smart ass remark like, “Deng like that?” I couldn’t help but laugh so I replied to him apologizing and asking him what was up. He replies saying, I caught his attention or whatnot. After reading that, I started to get red and giggle a lot. He continues asking if we could meet up for coffee or something. I then agree.

So the day that we meet up, he is looking FINE. I mean crisp and on point. This guy does dress to impress…When I see him I shake his hand, but the first thing that catches my attention is his scent – his cologne. I blank for a second and he gives me a weird look like “are you okay?” We then get coffee or whatever the hell we do decide to do. We sit down and he explains why he was at that party or event. I can’t help but attentively listen to what he has to say…he’s cute when he talks. His lips are to die for and his eyes are just A-MAZ-ZANGGGG hahahahahahahahahahahah. BTW, his name is so unique and very interesting. I like. I then share why I was there too…You can tell he’s a listener cause he is nodding and making eye contact…this makes me nervous cause I never had someone do that in awhile.

I look at the clock and time just has flown by…I ask if he wants to take it somewhere else and he then agrees. I’m not sure where we go, but it somewhere nice with people walking around. We continue talking and I then ask him THE question, “So…are you.” He then stops and looks at me. I then start to apologize, but he interrupts by saying something cute like, “Why do you think I asked you to go get something with me.” I mean this guy got swag and this guy got me going hard. We’re walking and its such a nice day, one of those rare warm days in the bay. He then asks me more questions that are somewhat deep. I answer and I ask him similar questions.

Time is definitely passing by and I start to look at my clock or whatever. He notices and ask if I need to be somewhere and I reply with no. He then makes some kind of joke. The thing about this guy is, he’s easy to talk to and I don’t have to ask much. He doesn’t talk about totally random stuff or FILLERS to just make the conversation flow, but he just talks as if we already have been friends for awhile. We then part ways and thank each other for a wonderful night/day. We told each other we’d call or text or something.

After that, I just couldn’t get over the fact that this guy…THIS guy was actually talking to me. lol I was definitely enamored. I didn’t want to look or act desperate so I waited for his text or call. Days went by and nothing. I kind of got sad. However, just at the right time, he calls me and asks if we could hang out again soon. I started to smile on the phone and well we set up another “date”.

What I realized about this guy, hes very charming and sweet. I mean really sweet. The type of guy you would bring home to mom. He’s Pilipino, but he doesn’t really know much about his heritage. This date, I decide to school him on some information about Pilipinos in the bay area. He is excited and really takes everything in. What I also like about him is he truly knows how to listen and pay attention. He asks a lot of questions and just assures me that he does like what I’m talking about. He is very family oriented from the conversation we have. He has siblings and hes the oldest. He’s about 23-26 btw. He works and he tells me how he got his job, which is pretty impressive. He has already graduated from some college, which makes me more motivated to continue to seek higher education. He’s out to his friends and his family, they actually support him a lot in whatever he does…just as long as he provides for the family.

He definitely enjoys basketball and singing. He explains a little basketball when we hang out. I look at him with a confused look. He then tells me that he and I will go shoot some hoops. He also light weight serenades me with his favorite song. Which surprises me cause its not your typical song. He is medium built. He explains that he loves to run and work out. I too chime in with liking to run too. We both laugh and say the cliche “We have a lot in common aye?” He explains his past very light weight – he has a lot of trust issues and thats because a lot of people have been shaddy to him including family. So when it comes to trust he says its a must and its important. We some how talk about relationships and he explains he’s not looking for one in particular right now and I nod my head, kind of sad, but he then comes back with, “But I don’t mind this right here!” HE IS A FUCKING TALKER! AWWWWWWWWWW lol.

But thats pretty much the end of date two. haha the rest is history right? hehe

Well…=] theres my guy and I’m lucky to call him mine =] hehe.

August 14, 2009

iljb#43: Wounds are still healing…

The last person I ended up “doing stuff” with kissed (that meant something) was J. I know I must have been some kind of blind fool to have been so on it when he was down, but honestly my intentions was pure and honest. However, one thing led to another and I ended up doing something that I wished I prevented. Didn’t help that I was drunk and he was lightweight buzzed. I did like him, but I didn’t want to get into something serious…just start talking.

But again, I was stupid…he just got out of something serious. How could I have competed with someone who spent their days with J? I had nothing on him – only that I knew how to treat another man right. But that was just it…I wanted to treat J right…but instead I stumbled and fell too quick. I was naive…I know, but after a month having passed, not hearing one word from him, and well leaving last “desperate” sounding text for attention…it does still get to me. Especially with what I ended up stumbling on.

Youtube is such a tease in that, you can see that person, but only see and hear what they have to say…not what you have to say. Anyway, I ended up watching Js youtube and it just struck me…made me question…Are you still with that guy?

Like I said, my wounds are still healing and even though nothing was officially serious…I did open up to him when in the very beginning when we started to talk…I rejected him. HA. How the world turns. I swear.

I’m okay, I am. It just reminded me of him is all. But I will say this, I bought the song that he described to me…everytime I hear it…I think about his past…sigh.

– – –

I’ll blog about it tomorrow, but I came home realizing that I do have a lot of obligations to attend to…some good…some bad…

August 13, 2009

iljb#42: Getting shit done and out of the way

Simply put, I am hustling my way through August. I am so grateful however for all the opportunities thats this summer has offered to me. Many job opportunities (however many failed attempts), relationships (friends and significant wanna bes), quality time with family, and most importantly hanging out with the wonderful friends. I must say that this summer, regardless of the downside of things, has been the best yet that I have experienced. It feels so right, feels so good, it feels like I am where I am supposed to be.

Less than a week from now, I will be embarking on a trip down to SoCal and officially be free from being poor 😀 haha hopefully fin. aid kicks in before we leave *CROSSES FINGERS*. You never can tell anymore due to budget cuts. Anywho, this whole trip and this upcoming year is just slowly creeping closer than I thought. A week ago I couldn’t believe it was August. Now we in mid August and I can’t believe my birthday is coming up!

Twenty friggin three. What an awesome number. Esp. since I will be turning 23 on the 23rd! 😀 I love it. I can’t help but smile and be grateful for all the blessings that I have been bestowed in my life. Everyday is a blessing. Everyday I know that it will be a good day!

It would be nice if I had someone to share it with – but like I said in my recent video, I’m glad I’m single and I am happy. But you know, I can’t help but have those feelings of wanting someone. I think its just human nature to want/be with someone. We come in pairs in a way haha. I’m just assuring myself that once the semester kicks in I will bump into that wonderful guy that I have been thinking of.

It was nice to feel giddy at Intramura and seeing that guy. He was so fione! haha Ralph knows him, or I think he does since I checked facebook lol. *STALKER* okayy haha. But it was fun having a lil exciting added to the night. I won a balikbayan box LOL ugh I wished for it HAHA damnit! DAMN the secret.

On another side note, today I felt so productive because out of the list that I wrote down for today, I basically got over half of it done. I’m so proud of myself. I get shit done and out of the way mother fuckkass!

I just can’t wait till school starts and my real grind begins. I think this fall sem. will be my hardest in a long time. It will test me in so many ways that I’m scared, but more so excited and hopefully.

What will come will come. I just have to pray and know for the best =] …Tis all for this wonderful Thursday. Goodnight world.

August 11, 2009

iljb#41: I need to fuck something.

This entry will be pretty blunt if you didn’t get the hint from the title already. So lets get to it.

I honestly just need to fuck someone. I haven’t had such a dry spell in my life lol. I guess thats a good thing – a good change for once. I mean, not to say that I’m promiscuous, but I do know how to get mine. The worst I’ve done lately is make out with a person, other than that I haven’t had sex or anything remotely close to it.

I’ve been really feeing it though. I guess my testosterone has gotten the best of me. Gay or straight, a dude needs to let it out. I don’t understand why folks gotta deny the fact that they gotta bust one. I mean I’m not a nympho or anything, but fuckkkkkkkkk I need to fuck something or get laid. lol damnnit.

I guess its true, once you’ve had sex, things will never be the same. You just crave that touch, that feeling, that certain kiss, that bust! I think I’m over the fact of just messing with the “right now” kinda go guys and just save that for the “maybe right kinda guy”. Oh mommy would be so proud of me LOL. It used to be that I’d be sexually active every two or three weeks, but now its completely been a month since the last time I really did something. -__- Am I loosing my game? Maybe I’m just being lazy. LOL maybe I’m done with that lifestyle.

I want to say, “I don’t get how people can just mess around and just fuck constantly.” But then again I did it before haha. 2-3 guys in one day. AHHHH I must admit those where fun times. I used to even count how many I could get in a week. GOSH how baaddddddd. Who does that? I might sound really bad right now, but trust I know I’m nothing close to bad. Sometimes I just wish I could put myself back in that situation where I can have casual sex or oral, but I can’t do that anymore. I just feel that doing that now will just set me back. Therefore, PORN is definitely my best friend. lol.

I guess I’m okay with being single for now, haven’t done that in a while – but if sex does come to my door step – I’ll consider it haha. SHIT I am young and fuck if it happens then fuckk alright then =].

AHAHAH I’m laughing because I’m wondering what my youtube subbies or anyone who sees this will think. To be honest, its fine with me with what you think, I gotta just do me. Trust, I’m not as bad as you might think I am. haha

Which brings me to another point, why is it OK for someone who looks promiscuous to do all that shit and you be fine with it, but when it comes to someone like me its like I’m judged on a higher pedestal. To be honest, I’m just human – with needs and I need to fuck something LOL hahahaha

MAN – I’m just being way too honest its funny =P

DUDE I just wanna poke your FACE lol

July 27, 2009

iljb#40: Feeling happy? OKAY!

Its my day off and I feel so productive. I started off the day being groggy and lazy, but after an hour or 2 I started to get stuff done. However, the BIG task ahead are still left unfinished, but the small distractions have definitely helped my momentum in getting my list done. I’ve vlogged about creating a “list” everyday of what you want to get accomplished and truth be told, it has been a success. I feel so accomplished knowing that what I wanted to get done that day is being checked off slowly but surely.

Hooray for  lists! =]

I’m actually very proud of myself because organizing my side of the room has made me feel a lot better about where I sleep and how things are organized. MAN, can I just say Maxwell is such a good ear candy right now while I blog on this gloomy Monday. No really – AH! Anyway, I look at my room right now and I feel so good about it. I am such a neat freak LOL. Everything is so organized and so neat – it makes me want to take a picture of it. POSSIBLY, we’ll see lol, but I feel so refreshed. *BREATHE* ahhhhhh it feels good. =]

I’ve had my humps these past few days, but I think overall I’m going head strong in being positive. I feel the strength in me to be that change I want to see. I feel so good about the future and my dreams. Its scary to think in a few months I will be a FULL FLEDGE senior ready to graduate. You know what that means right? All these deadlines to keep with with, tests, midterms, and finals to ACE. But no doubt, I am ready for the challenge. The challenge is coming, but right now I’m just taking my time in relaxing. I have these couple of days off this week that I will take advantage of! SUPER excited =]. Side note – I don’t think I got that job for Patelco, but I think its okay…as long as I have a job I’m fine. Jamba is pretty chill with my schedule so I’m not trippin as much. I’m SO EXCITED. ugh I sound like a broken record lol.

I must admit, these past weeks have been really good for me in that I haven’t put guys as my main priority. Its not even on the list in fact – which is nice. I’m really focused and really motivated for this school year that I know having a relationship will fuck things up. I gotta be selfish now, this is the time, no time for mistakes, just improvements! I CAN, I will, I believe! But I have been thinking how great it would be if there was a guy on my level who would sweep me off with their charm…but thats just farfetched right now. I can’t let a guy hold me down – no matter how cute they might be! lol fucking shit. NOT NOW, not right now.

Did I mention I signed up for “saynow.com”. I’m feeling it! I like it. ITS COOL! =] All I’m going to say.

I’m surprised this is blog 40! WOW haha =] thats awesome.

NOW – its story time ladies and gents.

“Friendship is never a battle, but a constant win!” – Joaquin

I’m not saying friendships are easy and I’m not saying friendship never have their arguments, but what I am saying is – through all that mess its always a win because you are always by that persons side through thick and thin! Additionally, its just a reminder that friendships are a treasure and if done right, it will feel like you’ve won the greatest prize of all – each other (lol). But real talk, my story goes way back – back into time.

You see, I was never part of the “in group”. I was never the “cool kid”, never was a part of a clique. I was the kid who always wanted to “fit in”. I always wanted to see where I would fit in. I tried many groups – different friendships in elementary school through high school, but I would always find myself questioning my friendships. I recall in middle school writing to a girl, “a popular girl”, asking her if she was my friend. The need for approval and the need to be wanted was something I craved for even on to my freshman/sophomore year in college.

I did things to prove I was cool. I dressed a certain way, said certain things, tried to fit in. But I knew deep down it wasn’t me. Its taken me a long, long time to understand the true meaning of knowing your worth. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I’m good enough to be your friend, if anything it comes naturally. However, through my years in school, I always stayed neutral when it came to cliques. I didn’t want to be classified as nerdy nor did I wanna be classified as popular, cause I was neither, I was just me. I was never part of a group of big friends because I kept those who really knew me close. However, even those who were close to me burned me…

Fast forward to college, I feel – no I know that the group of friends I do call close, have my back. The group of friends that I have are “popular” in my eyes. The group of friends I party, cry with, gossip, laugh with, experience the good and bad times are my ride or die! I have their back like they have mine and I don’t even question it for a minute. I don’t second guess if they love me, are my friends, or whatever – there are no insecurities when I call, talk, message MY friends. I feel comfortable being myself. Being GAY. Being ME! Being JOAQUIN! I didn’t actually need to prove to them my worth because they already saw that from the get. I was just to scared to believe that THESE PEOPLE (freshman year) were inviting me to hang out! These “cool people” are asking me to be their friend and part of their group!

Well, I’m part of that “cool group” since 2006! Five years later…I’m still partying, cry with, gossiping, laugh with, experiencing the good and bad times with my ride or die. I don’t need to search for the “cool group” because I am in one! Like Mary said,

“How are you so damn COOL if you have no one left who cares.”

Exactly, these friends of mine already know I’m cool, supper sickkkk with it! I’m fly, I’m amazing, I’m wonderful in their eyes! So what more could I ask for? Why do I need to search for other friendships? Yeah, I’m exclusive with these folks for a reason, because for the longest time I never felt I belonged anywhere…I never felt I was wanted or needed. Now (actually for a while now), for the first time in my life – I’m going to claim this as my group, my clique, my ride or die! No matter what goes down from here on, I got their backs like they got mine.

And the beautiful part of it is – they’re my family!

So who are you trying to impress? Why are you trying to fit into another group if you already belong? Mmmm or maybe all this time – you never did.

July 23, 2009

iljb#39: Tea is for girls and for the gay

I am still feeling a little peeved with tonight’s comment from my friends younger brother at the dinner table. My friends and I were drinking tea and the lil brother comments, “Why you drinking tea? Tea is for girls!” I was astonished and replied, “Everyone drinks tea, the President drinks tea!” The lil brother continued with saying something along the lines of, “Tea is for gay people.” I then threw my hands in the air and started to get irritated. Some of my friends did say not to say things like that and defended me by correcting the lil brother. However, I still felt uneasy. My friends and I decided to go to our friends room and it was then when I told my friend, “Hey you better watch out in how your brother is growing up.” But the message seemed to just bounce off in the room not being heard. I continued to jokingly say he’s not even listening to me, but it was only because I wanted to really correct the issue. I continued to tell my friend(s) that its important that he talks to his brother cause its not right, but to me I felt like it wasn’t really taken seriously – or I felt like I wasn’t really being respected by my friends. I then made a comment, “This is why its hard being a gay person.” And here I am right now blogging in the room while my friends watch a movie. I don’t want to dampen the night, so thats why I’m just letting it slide, but it is bothering me. I held the tears from shedding…

This proves my point in my recent GAY videos. This is why I speak so passionately about the word gay or just the fact of how its used. This is what many gay folks have to deal with on a daily basis, sometimes we’re left not knowing what to say or do because it’s not our place – especially if its someone’s little brother. It concerns me you know? The fact that this kid thinks that tea is for girls ONLY and that tea is for gay folks, oh he goes to a Christian school. Where is this kid getting all this? My friend defended himself by saying he didn’t learn that from me. So where? Where does he get this type of a idea that he can say this?

If you ask me, there are so many factors in how kids formulate their view on the world and people. For one, I think the way a person molds themselves is by their family. Whatever your family values are, you end up following and believe. However, when we grow up we question them. Another is where we are educated. School really does teach us what we should know in the eyes of the teachers who we respect. Again, as we grow older, we question what we are taught. Lastly, I think we are also molded by our friends and people who we interact with. They are mer reflections of us.

I guess…sigh…I’m just hurt right now because it makes me realize the little struggles gay folks have to deal with. Straight people don’t need to always defend their orientation or feel attacked for loving who they love. Straight people don’t have to always feel inclined to speak on or correcting someone because they hear something ignorant said about their orientation. IT IS JUST FRUSTRATING.

I’ll continue my rant later. I’m just ughed right now. =P

July 18, 2009

iljb#36: Moving Forward.

Relationships are definitely on pause for me starting today. I can’t take this baggage of having shit falter in the end after pouring my heart and soul out there. I guess its my fault that I do wear my heart on my sleeve, but I think its just because I am honest and up front with things. I just don’t understand how, “So are you sure you want to do this?” can be a confusing question for someone? I mean, its a simple yes or no, especially if you know that you just got out of a relationship. However, I trusted their judgement and well that judgement turned out to spit on my face. Again, I’m not in total shock, just because I knew something like this would happen considering the situation. POINT taken Joaquin, you should have known better. Finding “love” in all the wrong places, should have known better. I guess what I didn’t like was being treated like a rebound. I mean…I wish it was mutual, but it wasn’t. I was in it more than he was. I mean he did kiss me first…I was drunk…Oh man…it was all a mess I guess. SHRUG. I gotta shake it off, DAY9 and I’m doing better, much better. So in relation to REALationships…I guess the most important relationship now is me, myself, and I. I swear…I get caught up and side tracked that I lose focus on what I truly want in life: to be successful in my skills and make something out of it.

Which leads me to why I am so motivated to “do this year”. I have so much to look forward to and so much I want to accomplish.

A birthday week, saving up/trading in my tribute for a new car, paying off my credit, helping my sister w a grand or half a grand, paying all my bills, getting a NEW job, graduating.

FUCK – I mean thats just the beginning and finding a time to fit a man – BOY – in there is ridiculous. I can’t – I wont – I will not. I’ve been spending a lot of time with G-Up and man does it feel good to hang out with friends. Its a nice escape from reality. I recently just did a photo shoot and that made me feel happy =]. SIMPLE things like this have been making my summer worth it. Better late than never. I’m just realizing that,

IF YOU ARE NOT IN THE BANDWAGON, YOU HAVE ALREADY MISSED YOUR CHANCE

I’m slowly realizing this…I’m slowly accepting it and I’m okay with it. Just reinforcing my WORTH and knowing that its not me missing out – its you! I even mentioned to folks, WE LIVE EXCEPTIONAL LIVES, if folks don’t know our worth then give em a big FUCK YOU! We don’t need folks to bring us down.

I’m moving faster – moving forward – moving at a speed that is exciting, but frightening.

In a month, my whole life will change! 23! THATS A FUCKING number. 23! Most 23 year olds haven’t been through the shit I’ve been through, experienced the shit I’ve experienced…done what I’ve done. FUCK 23! Thats the fucking start of my journey.

BIG DREAMS?

I do have big dreams and right now its in the city of SAN FRANCISCO. Its not only now do I realize my potential and the real beauty that is San Francisco. I want to work in the city. I want to make a life in the city. For some, it doesn’t work. For me…I love it. Its true, I can’t possibly relocate to a new place when I have yet realized my full potential here. Besides, trips and vacations are gonna come around – so its not a big deal for me to move permanently, all I need is an escape.

I’ve been doing that actually. Escaping slowly…finding out that its okay to hang out with Jamba Juice coworkers (in fact I will be hanging out with some next week), going home to family just for a day to just hang out with mom and sis (feels so good), just doing my own thing and expressing my own thoughts on youtube and on wordpress. ITS SO THERAPEUTIC. As much as I complain, post really emo status’s, I am fine with life and I know that the journey right now is preparing me for something big.

GOD has something GREAT prepared for me. I know it. He’s been handling all of my troubles lately. However small or big, he’s been there holding my hand. I haven’t been to church in awhile, but it just goes to show that miracles still happen even if you aren’t practicing being a Catholic. I just have to say I have to give a lot of thanks to the Lord for giving me several opportunities these past weeks with jobs. Oh did I mention hes been hooking me up with extra cash!? lol And my mom has been able to give me 20 here and there. ❤ Life isn’t as bad when you’re struggling…it seems like I’m learning more than if I weren’t. I live for this struggle.

MOVING forward. THIS IS my anthem. THIS is what I sing. THIS is what I shall do.

I will make that change and listen to my own voice, like my horoscope said, I know myself better than anyone – I can handle it. I can handle IT!

MOVING FORWARD. DOING THIS FOR ME. I GOT A BRIGHT FUTURE AHEAD. I LIVE FOR THIS.

July 10, 2009

iljb#34: A New Age Approaching…

I know birthdays are supposed to be celebrated and is supposed to be a wonderful day, but this year…23 really scares me.

Its a new age and its definitely a defining age that makes me realize how OLD I have become. How much I’ve endured these past 23 years. It truly is something to be amazed about, but at the same time reminiscent nonetheless. Aside from Eric, I am the second eldest in our group of friends…ITS fucking crazy! 23 is nothing near 18 nor is it 21…but 23!!! THATS like OLD. haha I know, I know…I’m making it sound bigger than it is, but to be honest…IT IS A BIG NUMBER.

A new age is approaching, which means I have a lot of choices to make this upcoming year. One big decision I must make is my future. EDUCATION. As much as I’ve been drilled to focus on EDUCATION and what not, I’m nearing the end and it isn’t until now that I’ve recently thought about it. MY future? Whats that…what does it look like with Asian American Studies as my degree. Recently, I also began to use MonsterTrak to help me search for various job opportunities. I’m waiting on Patelco…hopefully tomorrow I’ll get a acceptance call…but if not, I already am ready for another set back. SIGH. However, it seemed such a waste for me to spend so much time speaking with the manager and HR. BLAH. But as I was saying, I’ve never been this driven to find a career and a legit job than ever. NO MORE JAMBA PLEASE! Or at least…please give me another job along with it.

Like I said in my previous blog, these two are just the big focus in my life right now. As far as relationships…well if they come, they come…if they don’t shit I ain’t tripping to much. But I have one more month to figure my shit out before I enter SPRING semester. SHIT…its gonna be amazingly busy this year…finances will be important…must remember to use my money sparingly.

With this new age…I hope brings wisdom and change…for the better.

June 27, 2009

iljb#31: Dealing with myself

I guess I was upset that someone called me a “Whore” last night after passing by me and gave me a stare like he knew me! BETCH. You don’t. Its one of Jhordans friends. I don’t give a fuck if you think that anymore, cause honestly I’m 22, thats young, okay. So I’m gonna live my life and have fun. I was so surprised that I was hit on by two guys last night. They had balls to say wassup which was nice because shit, I didn’t think I still had it in me. Then again I was way too drunk and apparently one of the guys said “You looked mean.” LOL I guess. But the fact of the matter is. I gave them the time of day because it was nice for a change that someone was trying to get at me with their swagger! YA feel me? DAMNNNN. It felt good for a change, so for all yal who saw me “make out” with that dude. Honestly, I kept on pushing him away saying “You don’t even know me.” and he kept saying “I’m trying to right?” LOL yeah by making out with me. However much I was drunk, I still had a lil bit control by not letting him kiss me so much. I just kept looking at him like damn, you’re sweet. lol I don’t even recall half of the night, just the random HELLOS. I guess lol FUCK…I really don’t remember. But thats ok. YEAH I’m okay with that. Its just nice getting hit on for a change. I saw all my exes and I tried not to make eye contact, but I did say wassup to Patrick and when I think about it now, the fuck was I doing saying hi? LOL For a long time, I was honestly by myself with some dude or just walking around -____- fucking shit. LOL Then I was talking to Sam last night on the phone and I guess I was giving attitude or what not and he claims he doesn’t understand what happened to us? I’m like alright coo…why the fuck are we talking…I dunno it was weird…the conversation itself. I was just like damn I am way tooo fucked up to be having this. Overall, I didn’t quite enjoy fuz that much, however, it was what it was and it was nice to get hit on, even if they were strangers lol. Nice strangers right? LOL

So I gotta accept the fact that YEAH, I am 22 and I’m young and when the hell am I gonna have this much fun again in my life? And I think thats why I’m so hard on myself because I always have to have logic in things, the fuck right? FUCK that logic for this time of period, I’m just having fun single. YEAH there I said it. phew. I feel a lot better. I don’t care what folks say about it cause frankly they don’t know me and to be honest, I WAS FUCKING DRUNK! lol -____- excuse me. In any case, that was my pride weekend to remember. THE END.

LOL two guys hit on me in one night LOL.

June 21, 2009

iljb#28: “You really made me think about it though”

The aftermath of the party was exciting, but tragic in the end. As much as I believed what I was saying to be true and in my heart at the time to A. it just ended quickly as it did when it started. I’m kind of ashamed because I put myself out there…I took a risk…and this time around I was genuine about it. However, I don’t know how I got to making out with him. lol -____- that I still cannot remember. I remember however, conversations and some stuff I would say…but the whole picture is blurred. I realize that alcohol really has impacted my life in a negative way now…I can’t remember shit! lol I used to be able to remember shit. I kind of regret what I did last night because if I knew the turn out was going to be sour…bleh.

Was he only talking to me because I was drunk and he was sober?

Did he just want to make out with someone and I happen to be that person?

Does he think that all I wanted to do was that and I wasn’t genuine?

I mean…he did say he never got that kind of attention from anyone before and it was nice…however…texting him…I had a nice feeling after I woke up…do you feel the same…wasn’t really reciprocated the way I wanted it to. The reply back? “You really made me think about it though.” Now what the hell does that mean? I left it at that because I didn’t want to continue to embarrass myself more…but damnit! =p I really thought something good would at least come out of it…maybe for starters…a phone conversation? Just to get to know each other when the other person is sober too…I mean…

I’m light weight heartbroken. I mean…I guess its my karma…for wanting to get to know someone…and not being given a chance…it sucks cause I really am honestly interested…damnnnit…

The day started off satisfying which led to an emotional ride of doubts…=[

I am a great guy, I know that I’m trying to change the way I interact with guys…but damnit…-___- I guess my ego was shot down in a polite way…through text…At least he thought about it….

.

.

….

ABOUT WHAT?! UGH!  sigh…

back to the drawing board people! Wrap it up!

June 16, 2009

iljb#27: Why…Why him?

I’m listening to the saddest love songs in the world right now because I feel emo! This emotion comes in and out and I feel it right now. As much as I try to put that smile on my face and try to get on with my life like I should, I can’t help but stop and ask myself why him. Why him? Whose him? Its not a particular anybody. Its just this idea of “him” is not me. It could mean job, it could mean school, or it could just mean plain and simple him.

At work today, I had so much time to just think about my life. I hate situations like that because my mind wanders to all sorts of places. I was telling myself, I am a great guy with a great heart and I don’t need to boast about it what so ever. I do it because I can and am willing. In any situation, work, family, friends, and especially significant others. I know this is the hump that I need to get through, but I need this hump for me to be able to be where I need to be.

I am confident that in time, I will find that someone…and I think I’m doing a good job by not pushing the limit on any guy for that matter…unless I’m drunk lol ugh which I need to stop. However, I think I’ve been good since that revelation I had, one down point, but overall its a work in progress. If life was a class, I think I would be getting an A for effort and for the hard work that I truly put into everything. This past year has just been a test on what it feels like to be at my lowest point in life…which I think will lead me to a progression to my peak.

I hope so…because right now…being lonely is something I hate feeling. I’m used to just having someone…or at least someone to TALK to like that at this time of month. But old habits do die and maturity just steps in.

I’m just a lil emo because of the weather…because I haven’t gotten sleep…because I’m listening to emo songs. lol

I’m ok…I need to get over this hump. Single life…ain’t that bad…=/ I need to remember that.

June 14, 2009

iljb#26: In terms of “fucking up”…I did

As I was surfing through my friends list on facebook, I was caught by an old friend that I used to know…well used to kind of talk to. I see him now only through his updates on facebook because he goes to school down in socal. I’ve seen him once ever since he left and that was when I went to that dance performance in Jan…what was it called…lol Anyway, I thought about the times when we did “talk” and how I really was trying to get him off my jock because he was young…well younger than me. I remember that he was so intensely (is that even a word lol) in “like” with me. When I think about it now, I’m more flattered, because he was/is a great guy. A big plus for him was that he’s a dancer and he’s smart. I guess at the time I was just too concerned that he was in high school as a graduating senior…but now its like FUCK..I fucked up.

It goes along with another guy on facebook which I’ve been knowing since 2005, when I was with my second bf. lol was it bad that I wanted him more than my actually bf? Well … we never really met…we had a close encounter…but that never happened. In the end…I’ve only messsaged and chatted with him from time to time…but as far as getting to know him…nah…in a way I feel that I’m not good enough to be on his level. I KNOW I KNOW…why I gotta be on his level lol. I dunno shrugs…hes a dancer too.

Then theres another one *rolls eyes* lol. We knew each other for quite some time…and decided one cold night to meet up around juan bautista. We walked and talked and sat down talking about how it was odd that we just decided to talk to each other and meet up after I posted my sn on myspace. At the end of the night I took him home and he then went in to kiss me. Softest lips by far! *cries* lol but then…it just went to fast that I never really got to assess the situation. I guess I had more than cold feet with him and never gave him a chance. *shrugs*

Then there’s this other guy who went to Berkeley and who knows my roommate. We used to talk, but we never got to know know each other. I guess I stopped talking to him because I felt like we had nothing in common, but he was super nice to me and was willing to just be there. I guess now since he graduated he’s too caught up with life and moving into a new house. However, he did message me that we should do dinner and he’ll pay. lol. I guess I never gave him the chance either.

Another guy (lol) was from sac and I met him through a party with a couple of folks. He was cool and chill…Real down to earth. But it was complicated and got complicated. It was nice for that time being because I got to know his friends and just play pool with them. But as far as anything else…I never got the chance to try it out with him cause I gave up knowing that it was too complicated…and well it was more of a safety issue…it just makes me sad cause to this day he continues to text me randomly and well we never have anything to talk about anymore…I mean we did at those moments that we were “talking”. shrugs.

Should I even continue? ha. Point is…in terms of fucking up…I did. I guess because I’m too scared to get into another serious relationship, the fact that I’m not sure if I’m ready to be committed, and just a combinations of past experiences that prevent me from being venerable. Sigh…it just makes me sad is all cause thats my problem of why I’m alone…I’m too scared of being committed…and I really don’t know how to get from point a then b to then c.

June 6, 2009

iljb#24: The Truth Reveals Itself Sooner or Later

As I continue to watch Gossip Girl, I gain a better and clear understanding of myself. lol Silly as that might sound, I had an epiphany today about me. For one, my friend praised me for being the person I am not. She was so proud that I didn’t continue to go to that path I used to walk. I lowered my head in shame and chuckled. For once, I was faced with the truth about myself. I am not the person I make myself out to be…I am completely the opposite.

The truth is blinding and realizing this tonight was for sure a heartache. I had to turn down an offer…ha. Something that I usually would jump on without hesitation. But how does that temporary feeling show up in my life? How does that make me feel as a person? To that person? I declined the offer and sighed with a big relief. Like quitting a bad habit, the first steps are the hardest.

I then continued to contemplate about these past months and how truly disappointed and ashamed I am for what I have become. It has consumed my every action and has made me feel shameful for all my reckless deeds. I always replay the phrase…”What if you’re mother knew?” and “I thought I raised you better.” Unfortunately, we as human beings tend to make big mistakes and realize our routine is detrimental to us.

I also began to think. If I truly want a man…the man that I want and the ideal one for that matter. I must act like a man and not be easily persuaded by temptation. Again, declining the offer tonight was definitely a hard decision. Another reason for me thinking of the man I truly want to be is the fact that I do honestly want to get to know someone, however…my actions these past weeks have made me feel more guilty than ever. I am ashamed. But I have to begin somewhere right?

It pains me because I know I will be judged. It pains me that my journey has been a trail of incomplete relationships followed by broken hearts. I’m in disbelief in what I am writing because it isn’t until today that I realized the damages I have caused to myself. Maybe thats why I was crying uncontrollably last night, aside from the fact that I was intoxicated, because deep down I knew who I was…but hid all that from people, my friends, and especially me.

Summer begins differently this time around as I turn over my ways and retire who I was. I am not proud of any of it…I have to excuses. However, I do wonder where these actions might be a result of? Like I told Mary today, I wasn’t the same after Kit…I meant that.

Seems to me, learning the hard way, is better than not learning at all…

I am guilty, I accept full responsibility, and I will own up to it…for my sake at least.

June 1, 2009

iljb#21: Summer Begins

Twisting and turning. My thoughts shift back and forth as I dwell on certain events, people, and life in general. So much as happened in a span of a few weeks. So much has happened that I haven’t even caught up with all thats been said and done and just reflected on it. As much as summer is beginning, I feel like it hasn’t even started yet. I have so much to look forward to, but at the same time so much to overcome this summer. With the routine I have set for myself on a daily basis, I feel like SUMMER…is just one big bummer. =[

Personal: I haven’t been able to pin point if I do have depression or if I was just caught in a lot of stress, but I think its both. The past two months have been rough on me, especially with the change of my future. I’m dealing with stuff internally that I can’t seem to always understand. I get weirded out at times because I feel like when I do things, its out of my character. I wonder. I am really Joaquin? These couple of weeks have truly tested my merit as an individual and has opened my eyes to a lot of things. One is that, I have a future ahead of me and I need to focus on that future. Two is that, I need to worry about me and not everyone else. I feel that I’ve been lacking the religious side of me for awhile now…I know its because of this that I am in the shit hole. SIGH…I’m not quite content with my life…mostly because of my finances.

Relationships: I am scared of commitment. YUP, I said it. That is the reason more than half of my relationships fail, the other half is just because they fail. I have this ideal guy in my head with all these qualities I want. I have this guy in my head who will hopefully sweep me off my feet and make me happy. However, as I wait for that guy, opportunities arise. I take em, but I know they’re not the one…I take that risk, but end up being a douchebag. Relationships haven’t always been my cup of tea because I can’t even keep one. I am scared of what I have forgotten. I was sweet…I was kind….I did all the things that any guy would want…but as time passed, it seemed that things I did for people were nothing new to me…they’re all the same…”THE game is the same, but the players change.” I don’t deserve nice guys because they are way too nice for me. I don’t deserve assholes because I know I should be treated better. SO where does that leave me in REALationships? shrugs…I compare myself to folks who are in a relationship. I ask myself why I’m not there in their shoes. I ask myself why I can’t have that. I ask myself why…its so difficult for me to be with someone who is on my level and who is just what I need. I need a man who will own up to his mistakes. I need a man who will be able to take care of me and himself. I need a man whos educated in all aspects from books to how to make a guy laugh. I need a man whose responsible. I need a good looking kinda man. I need a mannnnn! I just don’t get why I still haven’t been in a long relationship yet…a legit one….I even asked myself a few weeks ago if me breaking up with KIT was a mistake…I mean…we were in it to win it…almost 2 months of talking…but I decided to cut it off…was that wrong? SIGH….-__________- REALationships are supposed to make you smile. I don’t want to hurt the nice guys…I don’t. I don’t want to lead them on…I just like the idea of being in a relationship…shrugs…maybe I’m just not quite ready.

Friends: The backbone of my existence. After four years of being together, some of us have reached graduation day. Its intense knowing that a year from now, I too will be graduated. Our friends are close enough that we call each other family and because we’re family there’s so much drama! As much as it it entertainment…its exhausting. I know I can burden them with my problems, but I just haven’t recently. I just feel a slight disconnect with my friends when it comes to my problems…I mean I feel like its as important as theres, but I just haven’t recently expressed it to them. Sometimes I feel like they care and other times I don’t. I mean thats the motions of being friends…you’re there one min, then you’re not the next. In any case…lately…I haven’t turned to them with how I feel about certain things…I’ve only said it…but not really talked about it too much in detail…I guess thats just my way of handling things on my own like I usually do.

Family: This past weekend while being at home, I look into my families fridge and there was absolutely nothing. I mean…food here and there…but I was just like damn yal are struggle as much as I am up here in SF. It was just sad because I heard my sister say to my mom, “We aren’t goin to be able to do laundry anytime soon.” I even had to ask my brother for 10 dollars for gas…Something I rarely do. Asking money from my family is like asking the poor to spare change. The burden for me to get a better job was clearly stated more so this weekend by my mom. I have to get a real job to help in raising 1000. Its not that easy you know…when you can’t even count on your parents to help support you…but you trying to support them. SHIT I’m barely surviving on my own up here…Bills after bills…its like I never ever enjoy my pay check in the summer…and if I do its not on anything cool…its on food. SHOOT gas is even more of a trip now a days seeing that its way expensive. MAN…summer begins with me getting a new job…none of this jamba fucking business…SIGH…I hate summer because I can barely have fun like the rest of my friends…I work and hustle to get by…My bank account right now is at a low again…=/ I’m just depending on that raise…fuck I do so much…=/

Future: Well…I’ll end it here for now…I’ll continue later

April 30, 2009

iljb#18: Mins wasted…and counting

Day four, three, … what day is this for me? I seem to have the same routine again and again. Late nights…and well none productive whatsoever. This lack of motivation to do what I need to do has taken over me hard. I’m not sure if its the depression or just the lack of motivation to do what I must. I seem to have sunk in a huge hole where I can’t seem to get myself out of. To give up is just something I seem to do so well. I have been questioning why I am at school. Why am I blessed to have an apartment to live in near state, work, friends, experiences here and there…but seem to just take all that for granted?

Its so true what I learned about myself a year ago when playing the cube game. When shit hits the fan, I sure take everything down with me. I’m not saying that all this feeling is attributed to the lack of men in my life or relationship, but I do acknowledge it is part of it. Of all people, I know not to let guys get the best of me, but its crazy how the situation has just attached itself to it. I’ve been keeping myself semi busy with fucking around and not doing what I need to do. Procrastination simply put. This feeling hasn’t gone away and I’m not sure why its decided to stay. Its like I mentioned before a past that has come back to haunt me.

I sound like I’m making excuses and just making it seem like a bigger deal than it is, but that is definitely not the case. I know what I am capable of, but I feel like theres this barrier or wall preventing me to get through this. I’ve tried to let my friends know about my depression, but it just seems that its not a big deal…or its just a phase that I need to get through…I guess thats why I never used to tell people that I felt this way because of that response. And I don’t blame them…what do you say to a friend that is depressed? I guess lately, I’ve been really vocal about my life with my friends…more so than ever before, that the responses that I do get from them are well not the type of responses that I would expect. I guess because of this I’m really guarded…I guess I’m bringing this upon myself to feel this way…I dunno…I know its up to me…I know I shouldn’t act this way, but I’m extra sensitive when I get like this…its gotten worse…I feel like hs all over again.

SIGH…I want to say that this came about bc of my recent relationship, but to be honest I’ve been feeling this long before that. I’m wasting my life away…slowly…not accomplishing a damn thing. I don’t deserve to be here…nor do I deserve this privilege…I’m taking it for granted…SIGH…

I was telling Ryan that one time at work I had to tell myself to stop talking to me cause this voice was talking to me. I mean…I don’t want to sound crazy, but I feel like its getting the best of me…slowly…I dunno if I’m being punished or what.

When I look in the mirror…I don’t see me…I see my failures…sigh.

Minutes wasted…and
I’m still counting.