Archive for ‘gay’

January 2, 2011

iljb#142: Day 2 of the New Year

I can’t believe we’re just going through the new year like its nothing – well at least I am. This whole reflection about what 2010 means and what 2011 is going to be has just gotten me thinking a lot. My thoughts are busy trying to figure out what if anything, is the meaning of all that has happened to me from this point in my life. Nonetheless, I’m actually content…eh I lie…I’m okay with how life is…and the biggest reason why I am just okay is…I was in love in 2010.

Today at work I felt like I was keeping myself way to busy by just speeding through the day and just being in “work mode”. Work mode for me basically consist of myself not talking and just doing my job without any rest. So thats what I did. I was shocked myself because I haven’t done this in awhile and well …why start today? Well today…I actually got up on time and got to work on time…so that in itself might have been a foreshadowing of sorts…but still…I feel like I was trying to avoid a certain emotion/feeling during work. Then it hit me towards the end of my shift…I’m heart broken because I was in love in 2010.

I’ve never been in love and I guess I was just too ashamed to admit it to myself that I was/am in love. The feeling that I had with Danny was definitely real and it definitely made me feel good. I’ve been with guys that came close to Danny, but he was just it…he was the guy. But the biggest thing that prevented us from sticking it out is that he wasn’t ready to call me his bf, even when I was ready. I mean common sense says, you don’t wait for anyone and common sense definitely means somethings gotta give…so I gave…and let go. Something I’m so used to.

To interject this blog, I want to digress and speak upon a moment at work that kind of disturbed me and that is catching myself say, “Maybe I should focus my attention on women instead of men.” It was quiet amusing in the beginning because I tried and it was a fail off the bat. I even told myself, “The options are bleak…” haha I convinced myself that maybe if I looked at women…I would find myself wanting and being with a woman…yeahh…you go gay, and you can’t turn back that easily. I guess it was my way of just escaping this lonely feeling.

I couldn’t help but keep my eyes wandering at the eye candy at work that pass by. I mean thats what I usually do. I find a guy thats cute and tell myself that he’s the kinda guy I want or thats the kinda guy I wished I dated. Its like movies…but usually most of the guys I see are white…and I find myself saying I want a white dude. lol…there aren’t that many gay men that roll through the airport…and I just find myself wishfully thinking about what might be in the future.

I wish I could talk to my friends about this, however, none of them are in this current situation or have been in a long time and I feel like trying to relate this topic to them could find myself disappointed with what I hear. So I keep it to myself – only certain times do I open up about it…but overall I haven’t really talked about Danny to any of them to the extent that I want to. I feel like its a done topic…however it obviously isn’t done especially when I have so much to blog about.

I honestly wish that my viewers could take a look at how I think for one day and go through the shit that I have to deal with…it amazes me sometimes to find myself pushing through…even though I am so tired…

Speaking about being tired. I also told myself that I am working my ass off in January because I need to help my brother out/family. I am working not for myself, but for my family. Its a wonderful feeling when you get there to know that you can contribute and provide for your family…and they actually count on you to. I don’t know any of my friends family that expect them to do that now…and I wouldn’t wish that upon them. I am just blessed and fortunate that I do have two jobs that help myself and my family out. I used to be so selfish with my money and I used to not give a cent to my family. Which is expected I guess when you start making your own income. But after 2010, things changed and I definitely find my role as a brother/son much bigger than ever. I have a responsibility.

I tell myself, man you are soooo fucking amazing Joaquin because check this. Your a minority within a minority. You’re gay, who happens to have two jobs, who happens to have a degree, who happens to support his family, who happens to have a unbalance social anxiety within himself, and who happens to be single. HAHA I know, I know, it sounds like I’m trying to make myself come off as unique and fucking amazing compared to all those folks in the “scene”, but ….thats exactly what I’m saying HAHA.

It makes me wonder why I end up with guys who are great in the beginning, but turn out to be the guys who don’t have their shit straight. Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t perfect, but I’ve worked my ass these 24 years of my life to be where I am. Nothing was ever handed to me. No one ever helped me through college the way most kids had help. I had to find it and work for it. I am just fortunate to have the experiences that I’ve had.

As Vince likes to put it for 2011, “Know your worth.”

He’s right, I need to remind myself each day. But it just sucks when I know myself what I’m worth, but its been proven time after time others don’t see that just yet. With failed attempts at relationships, each one seemed to have the same reason of why it didn’t work out. They weren’t on my level – and even if I tried to get them there – I didn’t want to change them from who they are…

My horoscope told me not to over think things this year…cause sometimes it will get me into more of a mess than I already am…I’m trying…I really am.

I want to be loved like I was in 2010…but with the right guy this time =/. I find myself rebounding to different things for temporary relief, but I find myself back to where I began…

I’m independent and only I really know how to work it out…trust I will…I just need to get all this out before I do…

I’m about to build my dresser…wish me luck =P

December 31, 2010

iljb#141: Ring in 2011







2011 Overview

Whew! Feel that enormous burden sliding off of your shoulders, like you’ve been carrying around an overstuffed backpack for the last couple of years? That would be Saturn, planet of structures and limitation, moving out of your sign. Congratulations, first of all, on having simply made it through more or less in one piece. You passed through the fire and made it out the other side.

Now, what to do with that spiritual Medal of Honor you’ve earned? Well, for one thing, establish who it is you really are with both yourself and those around you. Your ability to quietly endure both the big and little outrages of life have served you well in the last couple of years, and many of those around you may have come to assume that either it wasn’t as rough on you as it was, or that you are somehow made of steel. In fact, you may have come to the same conclusion yourself. Virgo has a reputation for being able to take care of others with the best of them — but can you turn that same care and attention on yourself? That’s the big question you’ll be facing in 2010.

The good news (beyond simply less bad news) is that there will be all kinds of opportunities opening up for you in new directions as far as fun, recreation and romance. So take advantage of those whenever you can. You’ve earned it!

As much as I look back on 2010 reminiscing about the good, the bad, and everything in between; what I know for certain is that this year had definitely set me up for what is in store for me in 2011. One year from now, when I look back at this blog, I’ll know that 2011 would definitely be the year of wonderful things ranging from the small to the very big. Whatever it might turn out to be, I’ll know that I was prepared to take on 2011 before it even began.

A Summary of 2010
I began with a huge break up in 2010. I was heartbroken and I couldn’t see through the rain. I was devastated with Danny and how we ended things. I ended up rebounding myself on to Andy which was in retrospect was a really bad idea. Another devastated experience came with that and I found myself not understanding what exactly was wrong with me (relationship wise). I had other things I had to take care of, like graduating and preparing to graduate in the spring. With 2009 done, 2010 had a lot of business I had to take care of. PACE, PCN, FilGrad, Project Connect, Kleins…a lot was piled in the few months I had before graduation. I slowly trusted my friends with what I felt and experienced in life by confiding in them with my deepest fears, concerns, and dreams. Somewhere in the middle of the year, I found myself back with Danny, but this time around I knew what I wanted and I wasn’t going to back down from that. I was partnered on youtube (which was amaaazing), and the thought of moving to LA by the end of the year took over.

Graduating and the process leading up to that was worth all the sweat and tears. FilGrad/Directing PCN/& Project Connect contributed to the overall experience that is graduation. I wouldn’t have asked for more and wouldn’t have changed it for anything. I was also told I was going to revisit/re-meet my cousins in a long time. That was definitely an amazing experience because I felt this time around I would make connections without being shy. At that point in my life, I grown fond of family and understanding its root. I also contributed in helping out my sister get her job back. The waiting period was long, but worth the wait. I was experiencing the ultimate high in the summer with Danny by my side and with my friends along for the ride. Socalebration was amazing as usual and made me reflect on how wonderful my friends are.

Entering the fall, I had a lot of dreams and passions that I wanted accomplish before 2010 ended. I searched for jobs online and figured out that it was hard. I had a few interviews here and there and fucked up on a $40,000 salary job, which I didn’t get. However, I had much more respect for myself in letting that get to me. I definitely made it a point to focus on those who are important in my life. My sister finally got her job back and my family’s 3 year struggle would soon end. We talked about heading to the Philippines in the end of the year. Everything in my life turned for the best soon after, when I got a call from Aerotek about a job opportunity. By the end of October, I had a new job that paid well. Post Grad didn’t seem to be so bleak.

November was a time for change. Moving to LA was definitely postponed due to my new job, my relationship with Danny soon would end because I couldn’t handle not being official, and the focus to my family soon became a major priority. Going to the Philippines was postponed, but the experience with my family grew stronger as the weeks passed. I soon became busy due to having two jobs. Refocusing on myself. Dealing with the “break up” was difficult, but I seem to managed. Entering December, I was filled with joy and appreciation of how far I’ve come.

As I write this I look back at a rough start of 2010, but realizing how blessed I am ending with a bang. I couldn’t have asked for more. I have a soon to be permanent job that pays well, my family and I are embarking on getting my brother his job back, and my friends and I are gonna go through another year filled with wonderful experiences. Though I ended this year much like last year with a broken relationship, I can say that I am okay with it and I am better off without one. Though I may want that comfort and that intense love that I had – I can say that I redirected all that love back to my family, friends, and work. I came out on top this year in 2010 and I am every grateful. God took care of me this year when I felt lost and couldn’t find my way. God reassured that I was going to make it on top, but I didn’t know how. Now I know and its amazing.

2010 will be dubbed as the year I grew a better appreciation of the people around me. Redirected my focus on my family and responsibilities. Most importantly, grew more self respect/self worth for myself. There were many instances in 2010 that were bad, but when I sum things up now, those don’t even come to view. The good definitely weighed in more this year than the bad.

2010 WAS AWESOME!

What to look forward to in 2011?
I definitely know 2011 will continue to bring wonderful surprises for my family. I am working my ass off to help them get back on their feet. I am working on also bringing back the joy and happiness that was once there. After 3 years of pain, its time to make that all up by helping contribute what I can. I know will make it through 2011 and finally be the family I know we can be.

Relationships with my friends can only become stronger. I know that we’ll have more to look forward to this year, more to laugh, more to cry, more memories to share with one another.

Work will look bright for me. I know because I am working my ass off to get perm. (which I will by the end of Jan). My deli job will help me get that extra income I need. I need to always remind myself how grateful I am to even have a job, let alone two. I am so grateful.

This year marks my 25th year. I can’t believe it! I can not believe it =] Big things for a big number.

REALationships =/ well, I can’t go into 2011 expecting anything because I can’t. All I know is, I will be stronger and wiser with the guys I experience this year. I’m done with playing around, I’m done with just fake ass promises, talk is to easy, and I know through my experiences I can identify all that better. I want to be in a relationship in 2011, but I’m not in a rush to do so. If 2011 brings me my guy, then so be it. If it doesn’t then I’m cool with that too.

YOUTUBE & such, I’m excited to say that I have things in store for my channel – with continued support from folks around the world, I know my channel will continue to help others like it has. I can’t wait for what I bring to the table in 2011. =] This message particularly to those who have messaged me in 2010 through facebook. I want to thank you for trusting me with your life, experience, love, friendship, etc. Thank you for looking up to me, giving me advice, hating on me, giving me something to think about. Thank you for loving me, listening to me, being there for me when I felt no one was. Its a crazy unique experience that we have on youtube. My ROOMIES – you all are definitely a part of contributing to this wonderful year that is 2010. I owe each and every one of you. If you’re reading this, you are the definite few that have touched my life.

So, lets ring in 2011. Its something big, something awesome, something I can’t wait for to happen…The countdown begins =].

2011 Resolutions.
Be authentic
LAAAAUGHHH more
Go and try something new each month
LIVE in the moments
Smile more
Work out more
Appreciate each day
Go to church
Spend more time with family
Stop being “mean”
Save money to move out
Fix my car/or get a new car
Pay my debts
Get perm. job
Be in love again
Run the lake
Take pictures
Write more/poetry/stories
Eat good food
Drink/Happy hours
Spend time with coworkers
Watch good movies
Have a balance of spending
Be a better friend/son/brother/coworker
ENJOY LIFE

December 11, 2010

iljb#139: Not that depressed anymore…

I re-read my ideal guy…#45 i think…then i read #48…=/ crazy…

November 29, 2010

iljb#138: FRESH!

If I could go ahead and talk to myself a few months ago, back to when this all began, I would have just said – GO FOR THE BLACK ONE! haha. I ended up not listening to myself, but ended up following my heart, where it was left – with him. < How dramatic was that line hahaha. OBVIOUSLY, dramatic is my life – so lets just keep it that way. Onward fellow readers!

FRESH! I need a fresh outlook on life right now and I am at the brink of doing so. Before December drops, I will take the opportunity for these next two days to really reorganize my priorities. I note this quote from twitter: Action expresses priorities. ~ Mohandas Gandhi

With that said, I shall do some fall cleaning before I enter the new year. I have about 33 days to do this and I know I can.

I am blessed to have an amazing job (2 in fact), an amazing family (who I feel need to get a documentary started because shit lol), wonderful friends, and everything else. I am blessed.

I owe it to myself to start FRESH before 2011. ITS MY TIME TO SHINE ONCE AGAIN.

NO BULLSHITTERY this time around. I learned my lessons in 2010.

November 27, 2010

Were the world mine


I am in love with this film!

November 16, 2010

iljb#135: Focusing on…

I’d love to say me, but its my job. I’m focusing all my attention on my job because I love it. Honestly, I have probably 5-6 hrs to myself and the rest of the day is spent sleeping or working. It actually is worth it because I work hard and its not that hard (what I do). Its chill and folks are nice. I like where I work.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…second

Family. I am so surprised how much me getting this job has gotten me closer to my mom and sister. Additionally, my family is just happy that I have a job and I update them about whats going on. Its nice. This Christmas is gonna be amazing for our family. Its not about the gifts that will be present this year, but the fact that we all were able to survive 3 years of bullshit. It was all worth the wait. All of us I think grew from the experience and we’re moving full speed ahead. For the first time in my life, I’m putting my family second and thinking about them. They deserve it.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…third

I’m focusing on me. Getting my shit together and what I want in life. I’m taking it day by day and each day brings a new revelation and experience that I didn’t learn from the previous day. I can honestly say that I am at my ultimate peak in my life because I know I can handle anything that can come my way. People come and go in my life, but honestly I think I already know those who will stay. The family & friends who’ve seen me grow. Unfortunately, I’m still dealing with those who just use me for whatever it is sex, money, friendship…alalaala whatever that might be. I think I’m just over it because I’ve put focus on my job, family, and myself I find it hard to put everything else in the forefront. Its time to give what hasn’t been given much attention that NEEDED attention. I’m sorry – but I think that relationship I was in “relationship” is going to have to be put on a hold – maybe for temp, but most likely for good. I can’t take care of another right now if I got three other things in a priority. Honestly, he had his chance and this “break” was just the ultimate final straw. I had to do it for us. I already saw he wasn’t where he was supposed to be and I was at a different end. We weren’t on the same page and even though I tried to say we were…we really weren’t. Crazy how a few weeks can change that. Oh well, lesson learned.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…fourth

Everything else. Hanging out and doing fun stuff just comes last now. I think I’ve spent enough of my years having fun and don’t get me wrong I think I still have time to have fun, but not like I used to. I’m on my grind and this is what it is. I live to work bc I need to help my folks and myself out. If I wanna move out, get a new car, help my family, and have a permanent job I need to honestly hold it down and toughen up. I know my priorities and its easy for me to say no to those that aren’t my priorities.I am blessed to have those who continuously stick with me. I don’t have time for bs friendships or acquaintances. After awhile you realize whose down for you and whose in it to just get you.

So I guess I’m focusing on that for now…and well thats my story and I’m sticking to it


November 3, 2010

iljb#134: LIFE in WORDS

The best part about having a job – is having a job.

It took me 2 months to knock down some interviews and search for some career options. Had a few interviews – all of which failed, but got a call randomly one day from a recruiter asking if I was interested in a job opportunity. All this search landed me this job I currently have and the rest is history. What made me feel so much better about my job today is the fact that my manager said that we (my group) was hand picked to be part of the team (we were split into two groups, the group I am in was the one hand picked =]). It felt so good to hear her say that – gave me a little bit more pride and motivation that this was meant for me. She told us that she wants 100% conversions from seasonal to permanent, which is most likely going to happen just as long as we do our job. She added (which I loosely translate) that don’t fuck up this job because with the tough economy right now, folks would die to just be in our shoes with a job. And shes damn right for that one. I work for a health care CORPORATE group representing the San Francisco. Its entry level, folks are chill, I get paid weekly, and I know I can move up and excel =]. This is it for me for now. This is how I’m going to make it big and help myself be once again financially stable. I work from 8:30-5pm which is great cause I like that schedule – but I think it might change soon.

I help physicians clients see if their insurance cover for their procedure and see how we can help in insuring that if it doesn’t, other options available. The health care career was never in my prerogative and it has been such a surprise that I enjoy what I do. We go LIVE on Monday and I’m all ready to take the challenge. SHOOT I already speed through my staging with the IV counselors and they already say that I got it – its about practice =]. I gots this. I am so blessed. I am.

In addition, I still have my other job at Kleins which I am keeping for the weekends. So literally I have no day off now, but thats fine because I work hard for that money and I know in the end it’ll all work out. The weekend job will shortly fade out by 2011 because of the lay off, but that’s fine. This weekend job is for extra help, while my current job is for bills and such. Ahhh it feels good to be in the real world…not as hard as I thought it would be.

I am blessed. I don’t got much to really worry about and I don’t need to worry about much, just as long as I do what I can and work hard with what I can. I’m a lot closer to my family and I’m loving it. Some things will have to take a backseat and thats fine.

For now…I’m happy with my job…=] POTENTIAL most def.

PS. I don’t have time for bullshit, so I wont put up with it.

October 23, 2010

iljb#133: I have to admit a few things…

  • I’ve actually have been trying to abandon wordpress for tumblr
  • I am second guessing my relationship
  • I am blessed to have a entry level job which I start on Monday
  • I need to rest so my body can feel better
  • I hate the rain
  • I miss blogging and writing poetry
  • I’m tired of youtube to an extent
  • I know what I want in life
  • I am lucky
  • I can be single and be fine
  • I have a future waiting for me
  • Forgiveness is hard to do
  • I can’t wait – wont wait for anyone
October 1, 2010

iljb#132: Come A Long Way

Today marks the very beginning of something new. Today I leave September behind and welcome October into my life. September was alright, but I know October will be just what I needed. It was nice to just be lazy for a change at the end of September – I rarely if any get those days where I feel that way…it feels nice, it reminds me that I am human and I can get lazy because most of the time I’m so uptight in making that doe.

I’m a hustler and thats what I’ve been doing. I’ve said it to a few and to myself more recently, but its so true – I have been the most financially stable than I have ever been in my life…it feels great. Knowing that I don’t have to save hella (because I’ve been doing that currently) to just make ends meet. I have more than enough to buy whatever, do whatever, spend whatever, but don’t get it twisted, I earned each and everything I make.

Today marks the beginning of my fitness. No RICE for a month or bread…so whats left? mmmm healthy food I guess? Soda is out of the picture…it’ll just be water. And I guess really making it a point to work out. I wanna make 3 months from now count, so by 2011, I’ll feel and look good. So its gotta start somewhere right? And it starts today.

Its almost 3 and I’m still up…sigh…

I’m tired of faulty people who fuck up my game. Its whatever…I ain’t trying to let it phaze me. I got other things to put my energy towards – thats your fault if you wanna hate on me.

BTW, I found this great KOREAN site to learn how to speak KOREAN. I’m excited. Its my new hobbie for now…
WELL HAPPY PILIPINO AMERICAN HERITAGE MONTH =]

September 28, 2010

iljb#131: Hate to say this…

Do I feel this way because I feel insecure or do I feel this way because I really do feel this way? I’m evaluating my relationship with D and honestly I’m thinking, if he tells me that he feels he doesn’t deserve me and he says he still needs to work on more and I don’t really see it…its like what am I doing here? I mean I’m so patient and I honestly don’t want to rush folks, but its like…get with it…I ain’t trying to half ass my time with you…and to be honest I feel like you do.

My thing is, you gotta be on your A game at all times or try to be. Its okay if you B it sometimes, but being your BEST and being the BEST at all times makes this relationship work 10x better. Am I making excuses for his short comings? Am I the one who is in fault? Do I really deserve this? Or am I simply settling because its there…

I’m definitely going to ask him, what exactly is he working on and if he feels hes working on it. Last week we were supposed to go to the movies and well we didn’t cause he forgot the tickets at home…I dunno about you but thats stuff that you really need to be on point with especially if its a DATE. Regardless if you have work and shit, thats part of your schedule. It just didn’t make sense, but me being me I let it go…kinda…I was attitudy the whole day…lightweight taking it out on him.

So I need to remind myself I am a 10 and I deserve nothing less than that. I gotta remind myself that I do all these great things for guys that to get in return is not much to ask. I’m not trying to be someone else’s babies mama and I honestly don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I just need communication.

Well I really hate to say this, but I regret saying that I was in love with him…sigh…maybe it was the idea that I loved…and even at that…I had to remind him about the message.

Points to remind myself.

What is he working on? A game forgetting the tickets…small things are big things too.When I’m upset – just hear me out and let me be upset. Paying – something I need to work on.

September 19, 2010

LIKE this…

September 9, 2010

iljb#130: FINALLY I GET TO BLOG

You have no idea how much of a relief I have in blogging right now. Its been a long time since I’ve gotten to just lay out all my thoughts – and this blog isn’t even close to explaining what I have in my head, but I guess this will do for now. Ever since I’ve turned 24, life has just been great, but more busier than I had imagined. Even though I don’t go to school now, I feel as if I am still on the grind. This 40 hr a week working, relationships to keep track, and my sanity to keep has just gotten the best of me …in a good way. I’ve been doing a great job in multitasking and doing what I can to be happy in life. Its crazy how Sept. has just flown in and will slowly fly out…CRAZYYYYY its almost Dec.

Things on my mind

Masters in Counseling, JOB/2nd Job, Dec – Philippines, Relationship/Family, Moving, friends & such, youtube, personal time ME!!!

No Joke – the first two have been eating me up. I’ve been doing lightweight research for my masters, but I now realize I need to really get into it. Seriously its hard when you have a 40hr week and the last thing on your mind is doing research. But I am very determined I tell myself and others each day: COUNSELING. I am going to do just that, I just need a day to do all that and FOCUS.

I’ve been looking at a second job for awhile now and its necessary for me to because I feel as though this one job isn’t cutting it. I am willing to sacrifice my social life for my FUTURE life – feel me. I work hard, but play hard too. I gotta think about my future. But again I need to just spend a day and research. I am so grateful I have a job still unlike some folks who are looking. Post Grad is seriously hard esp if you don’t have a job. But I’m on it…I’m gonna find that job!

Dec is approaching and my trip to the Philippines is coming soon. Its a lot of money and its only for a few days…ughhhhhh =/ I was so excited at first, but when I think about how long I have there its like ugh nm…kinda stressful to think.

RELATIONSHIPS. I finally have a steady relationship with my boy. Finally a man who I am well “LOVE” with. I love him =] and he loves me back. The relationship is worth it and every time I think about it I know I’m lucky. It was our 1 year =] AH haha. Family relationship has gotten stronger. Spending time tomorrow with my mom.

Moving has been on the back burner…and I know I will get back on that hype as soon as I get my expenses on check…EVERY month I’m saving, but I end up spending because I have so much bills to take care of. CRAZY because I take care of myself 99% of the time. That 1% is when I rarely ask my fam for gas, everything else is me. ughhhhhhh sooooo hard living on your own and providing for yourself. When I think about it I bought everything in my room since I was a Junior in College. YUPPP alll me. SIGH

Friends and such…well I’ve been doing the best to hang out and get updates, but as you can see its really not a priority since I have so much other things to think about. I know they’re there for me though. But right now its on a pause.

YOUTUBE…ahh I feel like a disappointment to my fans cause I havent uploaded a recent video and I want to cause I have hella ideas, but I seriously have no time to do it and if I do I end up giving myself ME time instead. I really hope if you’re a FAN reading this that I love you and that I’ll be back shortly…its fucking crazy this life…that I have youtube responsibilities AHHAHA.

PERSONAL TIME…ME! This is where I watch TV, blog, listening to music, and most recently play GODFINGER lol…Its the last thing but sometimes the first thing on this whole list. Its either or…THATS THE BEST and WORST things about POST GRAD…having ME time, but not having it completely.

Alright cutting this short…have a long day tomorrow. BEST

DEUCES

August 14, 2010

iljb#129: Some things never change…

I spent my day after work just trying to relax…I wanted to take a nap, but instead caught up on Pretty Little Liars. Which is AWESOME by the way…I couldn’t help but just finish it…I can’t wait till it goes back on the air, its inttteeeense. Speaking of intense…I had a conversation with God today…

I was asking him what this whole deal is with talking to D again. I was trying to get some relief by him telling me the “answer”, but like God is, he just tells me to keep my head up. I guess I’m a lil uneasy esp. since yesterday I was supposed to hang out with D and his friends, but he never texted me or called me to tell me it wasn’t gonna go through. I guess thats all I really wanted was a “hey I don’t think we’re gonna see each other tonight” or something. I stayed in my nice clothes yesterday until elevenish hoping that maybe…just maybe I would be able to hang with his friends. Instead, I texted him so I guess we’re not seeing each ohter…He calls me later that night saying that hes drinking with his friends in Sj and blah blah. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so I replaced negative thoughts with positive ones.

Then today, things were cool…but after work texting him…I dunno I just felt…uneasy again. I mean from 7 to right now…I didnt get a text…and I’m trippin cause we’re not even together and me asking him to text me every 5 mins is crazy, cause I’m not like that. I guess I just want to know whats up? I dunno…He texts me that hes going to the city to a new gay club -_- GAMEBOI…I’m sure he’ll have fun seeing ALL the gays and their mamas at that club. I guess it erked me that he texts me that instead of calls me…I dunno…I’m being to critical…I guess…

I just don’t want to put all my eggs in a basket and have em crack like before…I was too naive the first time. I love being with him…I just hope its mutual…I know hes not gonna do something stupid at the club, if anything I hope he thinks about me when folks try and get at him, but thats all on him right? We’re not even together…We just started talking again…sigh…its gonna be almost a year since we first met…-_- blahhh

I sound so dramatic…I’m being such a booboo head…I hate when I get like this. I told myself I ain’t gonna wait on a guy. I’ma do me and thats exactly what I’m gonna do – but you know when you’re in that situation you can’t help but look at your phone hoping its him texting you. -_____- SOOO LAME.

I know I’m a great guy and if he fucks up this time around it won’t be anyones fault…it’ll just be a sign that we tried and it just didnt work out the 2nd time. -_- UGH I’m lame I already am setting myself up for …blah.

I realized something that Vincent pointed out jokingly the other day which I didn’t realize until he actually said it…I am needy. I need reassurance, and constant affirmation that we’re still in this together and to be honest thats how I am with everything friends, teachers, family…I just need to know that I’m doing alright…I guess growing up I didn’t have much reassurance…I’ve gotten a lot better with time…experience…yet its still there…

Yeah I am needy and thats why I’m like this. Its not so much I NEED HIM, its more of I need affirmation…is that bad?

My thoughts are getting the best of me so I’ll leave it to that.

THE SCRIPT <<< LOVE LOVE this band.

July 2, 2010

I teared up…

I Hugged a Man in His Underwear. And I am Proud.
I hugged a man in his underwear. I think Jesus would have too.

I spent the day at Chicago’s Pride Parade. Some friends and I, with The Marin Foundation, wore shirts with “I’m Sorry” written on it. We had signs that said, “I’m sorry that Christians judge you,” “I’m sorry the way churches have treated you,” “I used to be a bible-banging homophobe, sorry.” We wanted to be an alternative Christian voice from the protestors that were there speaking hate into megaphones.

What I loved most about the day is when people “got it.” I loved watching people’s faces as they saw our shirts, read the signs, and looked back at us. Responses were incredible. Some people blew us kisses, some hugged us, some screamed thank you. A couple ladies walked up and said we were the best thing they had seen all day. I wish I had counted how many people hugged me. One guy in particular softly said, “Well, I forgive you.”

Watching people recognize our apology brought me to tears many times. It was reconciliation personified.

My favorite though was a gentleman who was dancing on a float. He was dressed solely in white underwear and had a pack of abs like no one else. As he was dancing on the float, he noticed us and jokingly yelled, “What are you sorry for? It’s pride!” I pointed to our signs and watched him read them.

Then it clicked.

Then he got it.

He stopped dancing. He looked at all of us standing there. A look of utter seriousness came across his face. And as the float passed us he jumped off of it and ran towards us. In all his sweaty beautiful abs of steal, he hugged me and whispered, “thank you.”

Before I had even let go, another guy ran up to me, kissed me on the cheek, and gave me the biggest bear hug ever. I almost had the wind knocked out of me; it was one of those hugs.

This is why I do what I do. This is why I will continue to do what I do. Reconciliation was personified.

I think a lot of people would stop at the whole “man in his underwear dancing” part. That seems to be the most controversial. It’s what makes the evening news. It’s the stereotype most people have in their minds about Pride.

Sadly, most Christians want to run from such a sight rather than engage it. Most Christian won’t even learn if that person dancing in his underwear has a name. Well, he does. His name is Tristan.

However, I think Jesus would have hugged him too. It’s exactly what I read throughout scripture: Jesus hanging out with people that religious people would flee from. Correlation between then and now? I think so.

Acceptance is one thing. Reconciliation is another. Sure at Pride, everyone is accepted (except perhaps the protestors). There are churches that say they accept all. There are business that say the accept everyone. But acceptance isn’t enough. Reconciliation is.

But there isn’t always reconciliation. And when there isn’t reconciliation, there isn’t full acceptance. Reconciliation is more painful; it’s more difficult. Reconciliation forces one to remember the wrongs committed and relive constant pain. Yet it’s more powerful and transformational because two parties that should not be together and have every right to hate one another come together for the good of one another, for forgiveness, reconciliation, unity.

What I saw and experienced at Pride 2010 was the beginning of reconciliation. It was in the shocked faces of gay men and women who did not ever think Christians would apologize to them.

What I saw and experienced at Pride 2010 was the personification of reconciliation. It was in the hugs and kisses I received, in the “thank you’s” and waves, in the smiles and kisses blown.

I hugged a man in his underwear. I hugged him tightly. And I am proud.

Here’s the embrace.

Photo Credit: Michelle at maladjustedmedia.com

June 30, 2010

iljb#123: do this for me

June 27, 2010

iljb#121: OKAYYY

June 18, 2010

iljb#119: and its a pretty good one too.


Its totally unexpected, but I never thought to be a Bieber fan…honestly, I figured he was just a dude who all the lil girls like…but tell me why after I took the time to listen to some of his songs, that I’m like BIEB’d out. He’s a talented kid, yes he is – the N’sync of this young generation and he’s putting in the work. I know a lot of folks give him shit for …I dunno whatever reason, but hes good plain and simple and I like his songs. Esp Somebody to love (which btw I love the video for ahhh) and Never say Never. Hes great.

So last night I went to celebrate Vince’s birthday. HAPPY birthday. 23 man…big number. I’m embarking on my 24th year lol fuck. Anyway, we went to San Jose and did the bar thing. To be honest, SJ is kinda boring to me, not really my cup of tea. Even the bar scene isn’t that OOO or ahh…and security really…REALLY, it is not that serious! ugh. Anyway, I wanted to go to the gay club with Ryan, but I didn’t wanna leave the friends and the bday boy so I was really caught in between. However, when I did go to Bric, it wasn’t that great to begin with. Nice place tho, but not crackin. I wanted to go to CRAVE. cries. haha this is what happens when you have straight friends. I saw their faces…hella not feeling it haha. It was dead tho, we ended up at Temple and they was all over that place haha I was now the “observer”. Which by the way was interesting being since I was like, “OOo this is how some guys pick up girls…Ooo no…” haha saw one dude get rejected. haha FAIL. But it was alright, I just didn’t like how the club closed at like 1:30am and they kept on hitting this gong that was annoying. YUCK. I dunno, I felt lightweight that night. I drank a coors and a mixed drink and I was a lil buzzed, but more sick than buzzed. blah, was not feeling the alcky last night. We then went to La Vics and that was a good ending. HELLA good haha. Saw this cute guy – I was like AWEEE you’re fun. lol.

Speaking of guys, I keep on seeing Andys post pix lol I’m over it, I am. But just seeing it on my update feed brings me back to what he did to me. WHICH by the way is probably my karma for something I did or doing. Anyway, just seeing him happy is nice…I guess lol same with Joey…I’m like REEEEEEAALLY you’re with Rocko now lol WTF haha ugh I guess singers stick with singers…and thats why me and Joey didn’t click LOL ugh I was really trying to make that happen. haha and I love how he imed me one time saying, “I understand if you don’t want to talk to me.” and then stopped talking to me after that HAHA how rude. Summer…honestly, I had my lil date and I’m realizing that dating will probably tie me down from my dreams that I have for myself, which cannot happen. So…I guess I’m just coo with messing around or just having fun. shrugs. I dunno. Its not like I’m looking for it – honestly I’m not, I just get in that situation where opportunity arrises. Does that make me a whore lol. A WHORE is someone who looks for it – I just get it LOL. ugh nvm. lol I’m okay with guys right now…the recent one I dates was cool really cool. But its like…I felt he was missing something important…me for me. I dunno…I tried it out for the 3rd time, but by then I was like I’m really not feeling it.

I guess it was my bad for not communicating with him that I was over it, I just don’t do well with that. We were doing all this through text…this “lets stop dating.” Which proves to me that thats the kinda respect we ultimately gave it each other, we couldn’t even do it on the phone. shrugs, so I gave him that respect back. I didn’t deny what he was saying, I just agreed. Yes, I didn’t communicated, you deserve better, and I’m sorry. I mean what more did he want. He then texted me saying we shouldn’t talk for awhile and leave this be. I was like alright. Next morning I get fwd texts for all the shit I sent him and he goes take all this bullshit back, they didn’t mean anything. LOL I shrugged because WHO does that? HELLA dramatic. lol I was like alright you’re cool. But I get it, I hurt him and well thats that. I just wasn’t feeling the pay for me all the time. IT WAS NICE, don’t get me wrong, but theres a point where its like you gotta be fair and let each other pay…we only been in 3 dates and I felt like we were already COUPLING each other right. He used the, I felt like you used me for sex. MMM well I was like whatever, then you never got who I was really to begin with if you thought that was my intentions. WE had moments where we were in heat and that was mutual, but don’t just say that was it. I guess thats where it just ended when I felt after kissing…the conversations just dwindled.

This is my karma. lol I’m gonna get it real bad. When I talk with someone in the future that I like, this exact situations gonna happen to me. lol oh fuck…whatever. Its fine. I gotta focus on other things anyway.

LIKE moving! lol I’m so on this move, I see signs pointing to LA and thats all I need to validate myself. I also done the calculations with the TIPS I make at work, if I make a min of $10 each time I work for 2 weeks/5 days x 2 x 7= 1,400 LOL haha I know my math is weird, but I get it haha anyway, its like thats how much I can save uppp at least 1,000 just from tips. RIGHTTTTT???? I dunno, thats the biggest priority right now…then rent, phone bill, and everything else. I spend most of my money on gas and food. THATS it. ugh -_- haha i did my calculations and I can save 10,000 by the end of this year. AMAZING right lol thats all hard work by me. haha and we’re getting a 25c raise in July…oh fuck haha. SEE, this is why I can’t find another job. blah…I’m building my resume as we speak, I’ll have it up soon.

ANYWAY, did a new video for youtube…I feel like my youtube fan base has decreased…I mean…sadly its not the same viewership as before…its decreased with respect since I don’t update much. But its all good, its quality, not quantity.

WELL, to end my rant..I’ll say this…

I WANNA WATCH TOY STORY 3 lol cries. Anyway I’m gonna take a nap lol BIEBER!!!

April 16, 2010

ilikejoaquin’s BURN BLOG PART TWO

So I see a picture of Sam with this dude I know and I know its been hella years since that day we used to talk, but I can’t help but feel used and bitter. I gave my attention to this dude like no other and I felt good about it too. The fact that he lived in LA and he got at me first said something. I still remember when we was in China he and I used to talk via AIM. It was nice and sweet. At the time he was transferring to SFSU and he needed help. As a Gatoraider I figured I’d utilize what I knew and help him. I even remembered getting him a planner. At the time I lived on campus and when he arrived I felt so happy. I was helping him with everything…I wanted to make sure that his transition to school went well…I put relationship second…its instincts I swear. Helping others.

I remember when we would be on my bed and just cuddling…it was nice. Days went by and he told me that his roommates were moving up soon…I didn’t know that meant that we would stop talking. Valentines day was approaching and shoot I was excited. I asked him to be my Valentines and he said ok with a smile. When the day approached…he bailed…he said he was sick…I was heartbroken. I didn’t love the dude, but shit I cared a lot about him. FUCK I mean I was talking to him for a good while and thats the answer I got…I felt stupid because I told my friends that I’d be doing something later that day with him…shit I made him SPAM sushi…I don’t cook. I felt real depressed. The next day I talked to him and he basically said he felt better…I guess…

After awhile…we just stopped talking…he was there…I was there…but we never got back into the groove of things after that…a year later he and I talked again and I told him – when I was drunk – that was he did was fucked up and well I liked him a lot…I don’t recall what he said but in a future conversation he said, “Sorry, I was a mess back then and I’m sorry I did that to you.” It just validated a lot of things…because I thought it was me all this time…

blah…SAM was a good one, but I felt like he was all over the place in that he didn’t know what he wanted…I knew what I wanted…shrugs…lame lol =/

April 16, 2010

iljb#104: Words.iThink.Stuff

So I should be sleeping right now – I mean I did work my ass off to get shit done and I did.

I did something good. I took care of business. I had fun.

But why do I feel so empty like I’m missing/missed something.

Maybe its all this work and no actual play.

Lets just cut the bullshit. I haven’t had any contact with lips/dick/ass/ for a long time…and its getting in my head. lol…BUT I guess its alright – no I know its alright cause I know I’m getting ready for “him” whoever that “him” is…bitch is taking too long LOL.

I need to have fun.
NOW! lol


Somewhere here would be nice

April 14, 2010

iljb#102: Twitter.

I was looking at his twitter tonight. Its been awhile since I’ve checked up on him…its been 3 months since the last time we talked…and well we haven’t communicated with one another…thats fine…I’m okay with that…theres nothing interesting going on his life…well thats that…I’m done…goodnight.