iljb#160: MOVING PAINS


I’m not trying to please anyone, for awhile now, I’ve been making sure I please myself – do me, make sure to count on myself because in the end its my life and I can only count on myself to make this life count.

Its been so hard – feeling uncertain that my check for the 27th will be enough…I dunno if any of this OT will do any good…I feel like all the OT is not gonna add up…at least for this coming check…As much as I have this “money comes and goes” attitude…I need to be more careful with it, esp. these coming weeks. ITS def. become more evident that even though I have everything in life that I’ve worked for – that I really need to start being careful with it.

These past two days I’ve only eaten one meal…starving myself just to save a few bucks until Friday…sounds real stupid right? I feel like these couple of weeks I’ve just been temporarily doing things to help me avoid my feelings about certain things. These temporary highs…look at where its gotten me…

FUCK gas is so expensive…

This week has definitely come…and I feel like I fucked myself over…Friday is a fucking mess…with Vince’s grad, moving, then Sters bday. Saturday I plan to do OT and attend Sters bday lunch. Then Sunday is FilGrad…o man…so how do I do laundry and go to UC before all this? Counting on myself for all this…sigh…I understand how people have certain priorities in life…and are busy…I know the feeling. I try and do my best, the best I can at that moment, to be there for folks…even when shit in my life is so jumbled…but I don’t feel I get it in return…thats expecting too much…and I’ve learned expecting things from people end up in big disappointments.

I’ve spent a lot of time with family recently…I feel good…its nice being back home…I feel like I learn more about my past than I have in previous years. My family is being blessed month by month with all the blessings God has recently given my family. My faith in God is slowly strengthened each day…I pray that I can be a good Christian and put my faith in him with all my problems…My job, I feel like I am so lucky to have the job that I do have – I’ve been working my ass off to just make it this month and next month…its been hard…I’ve been tired. As far as my friendships…they’re there…I just can’t fully give my all to them right now because I’m so occupied with all this moving and feelings I have…they know this cause I’ve said it to them. It doesn’t mean I care less about them…I just am taking care of myself because if I don’t I’m going to fall hard. Can’t give my 100% to others, if I can’t even do that for myself.

I feel ok…I feel hurt…these few weeks were definitely a roller coaster ride…I talk to myself a lot these days…

I’m moving…it hurts…its happening

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