iljb#143: I try to say goodbye but I choke…

I’d like to think that all this crying and all this thinking well end up in me being over him. I think yesterday was just what I needed. I don’t usually go out, but I ended up going by myself to the castro for a mini happy hr. It was cool for what it was, couldn’t stay out late because I had work the next day, but for what it was …it was cool. I ended up driving and feeling sad, but okay…while doing a video LOL haha. Amazes me, but honestly…I was just fed up with feeling like I don’t have any answers to what happened to us…so I decided to text me…actually not even, call him…

I called him twice and I got a text back saying, now is not a good time, but maybe next time or some shit. I’m like foreal? This isn’t me wanting to hang out. I just wanted to know what happened to us…why it all fell apart. MY FIRST LOVE. YES, and I have so many reasons why I go back to the subject. Many of my friends will tell me move on, a lot of you who read this will be like hey wtf why are you trippin on this guy…but none of you will ever understand that chemistry we had. I mean seriously, I worked my ass off to be where we were…and I had to be the one that had to go. I mean when I look back at it, I feel like if I didn’t I woulda been eaten up with not doing what I said I was going to do. At that moment(s) I wanted to be authentic with myself…

This past week was just hard in general…and leading up to it was just tiring…I found myself drinking…I found myself in awkward situations…I found myself loosing myself in the moment and wondering what the hell is going on. I told myself that my friends, as much as they want to be there for me, or try to understand…wont understand what it feels like to be gay…to have to be someone you’re not at times…to pretend…to find love…to not be ashamed…These motions just fill my head with thoughts about life and what the first of the month has already brought.

I’ve been wanting to do a youtube video, outreach to those who have messaged me on youtube/email, but honestly I wanna give my 100%, but I can’t right now since I’m dealing with all this…I really think it got to me yesterday when my coworker reminded me about the 6th…our anniversary…(but we were never together…) I started to replay the first date, the first of many things, conversations, talks…it seem to just fade as one disappointment led to another…

I cry when I watch movies because its an easy way for me to let out how I really feel. In love I was…and the heartbreak still remains…I’m trying my best to take my mind off it…and move on…but I feel doing that makes me escape the situation even more…Because I’m so busy…I don’t have time to just let myself grieve about the situation.

I’m okay…I will be…I just gotta get through all this day by day…we’ll start tomorrow.

One Comment to “iljb#143: I try to say goodbye but I choke…”

  1. Hi Joaquin,
    I just read your blog and I feel your pain. It’s tough to have such heartache at such a young age. But no matter how old you are it still feels horrible, you feel like your life is out of control sometimes. You don’t want to think about it cause it makes you feel sad-everyone tells you to move on and time heals all–and though it’s good advice during that period it’s devastating. I can’t tell you when those awful feelings will past-but they will eventually. I was much older than you when I fell in love with the wrong person. I meet a girl at work that I just clicked with-you talk about chemistry with Danny -I had the same with Laura-it was like I met my other half. The more time I spent with her the more I needed her-she was like a drug almost. I thought I was ready to settle down after dating many men and women in my 20’s. But stupid me falling in love with someone who was still in love with their ex- and they had a child together. The worst he treated her the more she seemed to want him and yet I waited and waited . It took 2 years and one weird weekend when I woke up and realized that we would never be together. It was crushing to me. I couldn’t eat or sleep nor concentrate at work. And there she was everyday at work a constant reminder. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor talking to grandmother one nite and practically in tears telling her I had to move out of Florida-it just wasn’t working out. I never told her the real reason but I think she knew. I didn’t really have anyone to talk too. My gay friends thought I was stupid and my straight friends thought I was confused. Being Bi-is a tough lifestyle you are never completely in one camp. It took a long time to get over her and I did eventually move out of Florida. She still calls me every now and then and says she thought I would always be there for her, but it’s hard to ever be close again. She’s married and happy now and I wish her all the best. The entire experience left me a little jaded and I didn’t want to date for a long time. But you have to get back up on the horse and ride on-LOL I spent a lot of my life looking for love but now love has to find me. All I can do is be the best person for me–mind, body, and soul–Whatever is meant to happen will. You are still very young from where I stand, all I can advise is be the best person for you. Let love find you-don’t chase after men who aren’t worth your time. You are wonderful person in all you do and you deserve that in return–take care always–Michael J

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