Archive for January 9th, 2011

January 9, 2011

iljb#143: I try to say goodbye but I choke…

I’d like to think that all this crying and all this thinking well end up in me being over him. I think yesterday was just what I needed. I don’t usually go out, but I ended up going by myself to the castro for a mini happy hr. It was cool for what it was, couldn’t stay out late because I had work the next day, but for what it was …it was cool. I ended up driving and feeling sad, but okay…while doing a video LOL haha. Amazes me, but honestly…I was just fed up with feeling like I don’t have any answers to what happened to us…so I decided to text me…actually not even, call him…

I called him twice and I got a text back saying, now is not a good time, but maybe next time or some shit. I’m like foreal? This isn’t me wanting to hang out. I just wanted to know what happened to us…why it all fell apart. MY FIRST LOVE. YES, and I have so many reasons why I go back to the subject. Many of my friends will tell me move on, a lot of you who read this will be like hey wtf why are you trippin on this guy…but none of you will ever understand that chemistry we had. I mean seriously, I worked my ass off to be where we were…and I had to be the one that had to go. I mean when I look back at it, I feel like if I didn’t I woulda been eaten up with not doing what I said I was going to do. At that moment(s) I wanted to be authentic with myself…

This past week was just hard in general…and leading up to it was just tiring…I found myself drinking…I found myself in awkward situations…I found myself loosing myself in the moment and wondering what the hell is going on. I told myself that my friends, as much as they want to be there for me, or try to understand…wont understand what it feels like to be gay…to have to be someone you’re not at times…to pretend…to find love…to not be ashamed…These motions just fill my head with thoughts about life and what the first of the month has already brought.

I’ve been wanting to do a youtube video, outreach to those who have messaged me on youtube/email, but honestly I wanna give my 100%, but I can’t right now since I’m dealing with all this…I really think it got to me yesterday when my coworker reminded me about the 6th…our anniversary…(but we were never together…) I started to replay the first date, the first of many things, conversations, talks…it seem to just fade as one disappointment led to another…

I cry when I watch movies because its an easy way for me to let out how I really feel. In love I was…and the heartbreak still remains…I’m trying my best to take my mind off it…and move on…but I feel doing that makes me escape the situation even more…Because I’m so busy…I don’t have time to just let myself grieve about the situation.

I’m okay…I will be…I just gotta get through all this day by day…we’ll start tomorrow.