iljb#129: Some things never change…

I spent my day after work just trying to relax…I wanted to take a nap, but instead caught up on Pretty Little Liars. Which is AWESOME by the way…I couldn’t help but just finish it…I can’t wait till it goes back on the air, its inttteeeense. Speaking of intense…I had a conversation with God today…

I was asking him what this whole deal is with talking to D again. I was trying to get some relief by him telling me the “answer”, but like God is, he just tells me to keep my head up. I guess I’m a lil uneasy esp. since yesterday I was supposed to hang out with D and his friends, but he never texted me or called me to tell me it wasn’t gonna go through. I guess thats all I really wanted was a “hey I don’t think we’re gonna see each other tonight” or something. I stayed in my nice clothes yesterday until elevenish hoping that maybe…just maybe I would be able to hang with his friends. Instead, I texted him so I guess we’re not seeing each ohter…He calls me later that night saying that hes drinking with his friends in Sj and blah blah. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, so I replaced negative thoughts with positive ones.

Then today, things were cool…but after work texting him…I dunno I just felt…uneasy again. I mean from 7 to right now…I didnt get a text…and I’m trippin cause we’re not even together and me asking him to text me every 5 mins is crazy, cause I’m not like that. I guess I just want to know whats up? I dunno…He texts me that hes going to the city to a new gay club -_- GAMEBOI…I’m sure he’ll have fun seeing ALL the gays and their mamas at that club. I guess it erked me that he texts me that instead of calls me…I dunno…I’m being to critical…I guess…

I just don’t want to put all my eggs in a basket and have em crack like before…I was too naive the first time. I love being with him…I just hope its mutual…I know hes not gonna do something stupid at the club, if anything I hope he thinks about me when folks try and get at him, but thats all on him right? We’re not even together…We just started talking again…sigh…its gonna be almost a year since we first met…-_- blahhh

I sound so dramatic…I’m being such a booboo head…I hate when I get like this. I told myself I ain’t gonna wait on a guy. I’ma do me and thats exactly what I’m gonna do – but you know when you’re in that situation you can’t help but look at your phone hoping its him texting you. -_____- SOOO LAME.

I know I’m a great guy and if he fucks up this time around it won’t be anyones fault…it’ll just be a sign that we tried and it just didnt work out the 2nd time. -_- UGH I’m lame I already am setting myself up for …blah.

I realized something that Vincent pointed out jokingly the other day which I didn’t realize until he actually said it…I am needy. I need reassurance, and constant affirmation that we’re still in this together and to be honest thats how I am with everything friends, teachers, family…I just need to know that I’m doing alright…I guess growing up I didn’t have much reassurance…I’ve gotten a lot better with time…experience…yet its still there…

Yeah I am needy and thats why I’m like this. Its not so much I NEED HIM, its more of I need affirmation…is that bad?

My thoughts are getting the best of me so I’ll leave it to that.

THE SCRIPT <<< LOVE LOVE this band.

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