iljb#105: Defeated, but not broken…

I dunno why I feel this way…maybe because I’ve burned myself out with all the things I’m doing. I’m not completely failing or bailing out on what I’m doing, but I will say that I’m just tired and at this point…I’m disappointed with how I’m feeling about it. I’m perfectly doing me and have been. I think my “depression” is sinking in for some reason. I’m not sure why it decided to come into my life right now, but it is…its sitting in my system…its there…I’m telling it to go away, but its just being a bitch lol.

I’m in the student center, just finished Gossip Girl, and now just listening to Gospel. I’m about to start on my 20 page paper…just a draft lol. But I guess I’m telling myself…even after all the hurt, all the pain, all the burned bridges, I can’t give up – I can’t stop and say FUCK life because life is too beautiful to just give a big FUCK YOU to. It is wonderful and I need to keep reminding myself that. Its just hard at times, especially these when I don’t hear enough encouragement…positivity…don’t get the reassurance that life…my life is going to be okay.

Graduation is approaching and I feel like I’m somewhat on my own. Everyday I wake up I think to myself…same old shit…different day…Gospel is getting to me…getting emotional.

Whenever I had a problem – God was always there holding my hand and telling me to not be scared. He told me he’ll take care of things. He reassured that as long as I had faith, everything will be okay. He told me that I need to just believe and his miracles will work. Sometimes I just forget that he’s been there at my low and even as I write – he’s here with me. He’s the only man that will love me like he does. He will treat me like I am the world. He will see me for who I really am…he doesn’t judge me…he gives me hope and keeps my dreams alive…

I’m defeated…but I am not broken.

Love is patient, caring. Love is Kind. Love is felt most when
It’s genuine, but I’ve had my share of love, abuse, manipulated
And it’s strength misused, and I can’t help but give you glory
When I think about my story, and I know you favored me
Because my enemies did try but couldn’t triumph over me
Yes they did try but couldn’t triumph over me.

I’m still here, I’m still alive, I’m still blessed, on my way to
My destiny, because the favor of God is on my life. Let me
Tell you about love.

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