Archive for April 16th, 2010

April 16, 2010

ilikejoaquin’s BURN BLOG PART TWO

So I see a picture of Sam with this dude I know and I know its been hella years since that day we used to talk, but I can’t help but feel used and bitter. I gave my attention to this dude like no other and I felt good about it too. The fact that he lived in LA and he got at me first said something. I still remember when we was in China he and I used to talk via AIM. It was nice and sweet. At the time he was transferring to SFSU and he needed help. As a Gatoraider I figured I’d utilize what I knew and help him. I even remembered getting him a planner. At the time I lived on campus and when he arrived I felt so happy. I was helping him with everything…I wanted to make sure that his transition to school went well…I put relationship second…its instincts I swear. Helping others.

I remember when we would be on my bed and just cuddling…it was nice. Days went by and he told me that his roommates were moving up soon…I didn’t know that meant that we would stop talking. Valentines day was approaching and shoot I was excited. I asked him to be my Valentines and he said ok with a smile. When the day approached…he bailed…he said he was sick…I was heartbroken. I didn’t love the dude, but shit I cared a lot about him. FUCK I mean I was talking to him for a good while and thats the answer I got…I felt stupid because I told my friends that I’d be doing something later that day with him…shit I made him SPAM sushi…I don’t cook. I felt real depressed. The next day I talked to him and he basically said he felt better…I guess…

After awhile…we just stopped talking…he was there…I was there…but we never got back into the groove of things after that…a year later he and I talked again and I told him – when I was drunk – that was he did was fucked up and well I liked him a lot…I don’t recall what he said but in a future conversation he said, “Sorry, I was a mess back then and I’m sorry I did that to you.” It just validated a lot of things…because I thought it was me all this time…

blah…SAM was a good one, but I felt like he was all over the place in that he didn’t know what he wanted…I knew what I wanted…shrugs…lame lol =/

April 16, 2010

iljb#105: Defeated, but not broken…

I dunno why I feel this way…maybe because I’ve burned myself out with all the things I’m doing. I’m not completely failing or bailing out on what I’m doing, but I will say that I’m just tired and at this point…I’m disappointed with how I’m feeling about it. I’m perfectly doing me and have been. I think my “depression” is sinking in for some reason. I’m not sure why it decided to come into my life right now, but it is…its sitting in my system…its there…I’m telling it to go away, but its just being a bitch lol.

I’m in the student center, just finished Gossip Girl, and now just listening to Gospel. I’m about to start on my 20 page paper…just a draft lol. But I guess I’m telling myself…even after all the hurt, all the pain, all the burned bridges, I can’t give up – I can’t stop and say FUCK life because life is too beautiful to just give a big FUCK YOU to. It is wonderful and I need to keep reminding myself that. Its just hard at times, especially these when I don’t hear enough encouragement…positivity…don’t get the reassurance that life…my life is going to be okay.

Graduation is approaching and I feel like I’m somewhat on my own. Everyday I wake up I think to myself…same old shit…different day…Gospel is getting to me…getting emotional.

Whenever I had a problem – God was always there holding my hand and telling me to not be scared. He told me he’ll take care of things. He reassured that as long as I had faith, everything will be okay. He told me that I need to just believe and his miracles will work. Sometimes I just forget that he’s been there at my low and even as I write – he’s here with me. He’s the only man that will love me like he does. He will treat me like I am the world. He will see me for who I really am…he doesn’t judge me…he gives me hope and keeps my dreams alive…

I’m defeated…but I am not broken.

Love is patient, caring. Love is Kind. Love is felt most when
It’s genuine, but I’ve had my share of love, abuse, manipulated
And it’s strength misused, and I can’t help but give you glory
When I think about my story, and I know you favored me
Because my enemies did try but couldn’t triumph over me
Yes they did try but couldn’t triumph over me.

I’m still here, I’m still alive, I’m still blessed, on my way to
My destiny, because the favor of God is on my life. Let me
Tell you about love.

April 16, 2010

iljb#104: Words.iThink.Stuff

So I should be sleeping right now – I mean I did work my ass off to get shit done and I did.

I did something good. I took care of business. I had fun.

But why do I feel so empty like I’m missing/missed something.

Maybe its all this work and no actual play.

Lets just cut the bullshit. I haven’t had any contact with lips/dick/ass/ for a long time…and its getting in my head. lol…BUT I guess its alright – no I know its alright cause I know I’m getting ready for “him” whoever that “him” is…bitch is taking too long LOL.

I need to have fun.
NOW! lol

Somewhere here would be nice