iljb#98: Crying game

As I was being “lectured” or however you want to call it by my director, I held all the tears in. I’m in the office right now and as I write, I’m still trying to keep it all in. Sometimes, being strong and kept together just doesn’t cut it and you eventually break into pieces. This job means a lot to me, but at the same time its stressful, I know it shouldn’t get personal and like he said, “Not to let it get to you.” But how can you not…when your heart and energy you put onto organizing everything is every bit a part of you. I just felt that some people don’t know how to apologize properly…if you apologize then apologize…don’t make excuses or defend yourself. YOU fucked up – end of story. First thing that you need to do is listen. Second thing…listen. Thats it.

After he left I started to let it all out…but even at that…not much tears came out. I think I’m just losing all this emotion and being numb to pain. Shit…whatever. I’m doing amazing things…I know it…

I just don’t feel amazing when I do it….

sigh…

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