iljb#70: Things I don’t like hearing.

I’m still shaken…its the reason why I didn’t want to call home. I’m still upset…The reason why I’m writing this is not for you all to know whats going on in my life, but for me to just write down how I feel – cause right now…

I haven’t talked to my mom or sister – family in over two weeks no since I lost my job. I’ve been trying to get back on my feet before I called them. Seeing that I’m for sure going to get this job at Kliens, I decided to call my mom. I told her my situation about how I lost my job and like usually she had my back. She was telling me that the manager was stupid. I then asked how she was doing…and well she started to talk about my brother again.

She informed me that the $2000 I did give her is almost gone because shes been having to pay for my brothers meds. To be honest, it sucks to hear that my brother is sick plus losing his mind. My mom told me that a few nights ago my brother, sister, and her drove almost to Tahoe so that my brother could get his mind off of things. 8 hours? They didn’t do anything but drive my mom said…I started to tear up. My mom then started to get emotional on the phone. She told me that shes worried because my brothers been trying to get himself checked to see if he has cancer (he’s been losing his hair and eyebrow hair), but he can’t cause its $600…medcine is about $150…My mom started to break down on the phone saying this reminded her of dad and she doesn’t want to lose Joey…she just wants him to get better. Even if they starve…just as long as he gets better…I didn’t know what to do at this point…I’ve never cried with my mom…but to hear her over the phone…breaking down…and me not being able to do anything…has been the hardest thing I’ve done in awhile…this is why I was afraid to call…my brother hasn’t paid for his car because he’s paying for his meds…Like my mom said…if he goes…we’re done as a family.

I’ve been tryin to keep myself together up here…but its been so hard…now this just adding to everything I’ve been feeling…my mom reminded me to just take care of myself and let them handle what they got down there…I told her no I can’t just do that…but she said to just pray…repeatedly…thats what I can do…

I’m trying so hard to be a good student…trying so hard to be a good friend…but why do I feel like I’m failing in being a good brother and son…

I’ve already thought of just working next semester and not finishing until the fall…

I have these choices…these decisions…most folks don’t have to make…to think…

my family right now is a mess…I am a mess with them…I’m hurt…I’m in pain…I feel alone…I’m not ok…esp. after tonight.

One Comment to “iljb#70: Things I don’t like hearing.”

  1. I want to let you know that your videos have helped me more than you will ever know, and its horrible that someone as thoughtful, caring, and generally nice as you would have to go through shit like this

    One thing that may help cheer you up is that your brother probably doesn’t have cancer, because hair loss is caused by the treatment (chemotherapy), and not the cancer itself. The hair loss would most likely be caused by: poor nutrition, medications, disease (diabetes and lupus), and hormonal imbalances.

    I think your mom is right in saying that you should remember to take care of yourself. I know it may be hard enough worrying about other people, enough to neglect caring for yourself, but that is something you shouldn’t do. Remember: If you go down, you are going to switch from being the helper to being the one in need of help.

    Another thing is to not blame yourself. It must be a Filipino thing to wrongly blame oneself when things go wrong, as I’ve seen family members, and even myself sometimes do it. (my mom is notorious for this) If you really were failing as a brother and son you wouldn’t be worrying this much. The fact that you are like this means that you are a much better brother and son than many people.

    So keep your head up. You are nearing the point where things can only get better, and once you get past this you will come out a stronger and better person. (although you are already a great person :D)

    BTW: Whoever fired you was a douche.

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