ramble ramble

i feel dumb right now cause i feel like i should start on my hw, but im stuck thinking of stupid things in my head…i feel like a mess. my head is a mess bc i have so many thoughts running in my head. i want to give up bc thats the easy way out of all this, but i have so many people who depend on me and my strength. it sucks bc when im not at my 100% state, everything else around me seems to just pass me by. i hate the fact that when i am at this state…i cant get a hand from folks to help me out of it. snap out of it…snap the fuck out of it. you are stupid for feeling this way. youre better than this. i know but its crazy how these insecurities of mine have a mind of their own. i took a nap already, but im sleepy again. why? i fucking slept already. sigh i think a big reason of why im feeling this way is bc im out of job. i guess im just going through that motion of how to get back on my feet. its really hit me hard and ive tried my best to be ok…but its not ok…im in a situation that i should have handle much better from the get. sigh its just hard…i have to work extra hard now to get that job. i know i can. i cant disappoint my family…i cant disappoint myself…i have to do this…if anything this is one of the hardest times ive had in a long time…its emotionally draining and its just emotional…the tears that i want to cry arent there…the people that i need arent there…im taking this all out of context…i dunno is that even the right way to describe it? im really just over it…after this month…its done. ill be done…and half way done with my senior year. im over this…im over having this…

if i gotta make it on my own…i guess thats what ill have to do…ive sacrificed a lot already…i dont have the energy to go and apply to grad school…

Listen…

Can’t count on you most of all when I really need it
It’s the simple things that you do, really hurt my feelings
The more I try, the more I’m starting to see it
This can’t work anymore, than you believe it

Goodbye may come as a shock
Even though I love you a lot
I’ve given every breath I’ve got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

Listen…

I just don’t know what the problem is, what the deal is
Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldn’t see it?
All these promises are probably how you deal with it
I’m tired of hearing you say your innocent

Don’t think I forgot
Because I really didn’t care if you’re lying a lot
I’ve given every breath I’ve got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

We all make mistakes
Sometimes we do desperate things
What does it prove? NOTHING
And you never do nothing wrong

Then what took you so long, took you so long
Cuz I keep, keep hanging on, keep, keep hanging on

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

So don’t promise me
So don’t promise me

edit: I just took a depression test – I have moderate depression…

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