Archive for November 11th, 2009

November 11, 2009


I don’t want to be a disappointment to myself.

So I guess thats why I’m so hard on me.

Life you met your match.

November 11, 2009

Turn Back Time – Joaquin

Turn back Time
(I wrote this May 2, 2003 – Oh man…lol)

“The time is, 10:30am,” the robotic clock spoke.
The repetitive sound of my alarm clock woke me up that morning. I was still too sleepy to wake up and endure the cold air breeze inside my room. It was raining hard that day outside my window. I cuddled tightly under my warm blue sheets. Annoyed and grouchy, I tried to go back to sleep.

“The time is, 10:30am.” My face was pressed against the pillow. I slowly turned to the left side of my bed and opened my left eye to look at the flashing green-lit numbers on my alarm clock. I reached out my hand and pressed the button on the alarm clock to stop the buzzing noise. “Finally, back to sleep.” I was still groggy from the night before.

Matt and Danny came over to my house that night. They told me a new movie was opening at Riverdale 26 theaters. Being bored to death, I decided to go with them. I came home at three o’clock and got drunk. My parents were out of town, so I didn’t have to worry about them getting on my case. They would be back in three weeks from their cruise in Alaska.

My dad’s a president for this big company and my mom’s a doctor at Riverdale hospital. Both get a reasonable income considering that they are immigrants from the Philippines. I’m eighteen years old and they still force me to go to church. Telling me to thank God for the blessings he’s given our family. I still haven’t told them that I’m atheist. But I guess since I’m coming from a Filipino family, I shouldn’t say anything because I have to follow these rules and be respectful.

But that night with my two friends wasn’t worth it. I should have spent that time with Michelle. The sound of my cell phone rang. “What now?” I reached out for my cell phone on the shelf beside me.
“Hello?” My voice sounded as though I had a sore throat.
“Jason, I don’t know how to tell you this. Michelle…” the person’s voice started to break down.
“Jamie, what happened? What’s wrong” I interrupted her as I stood up from my bed to hear what she had to say. I was more than wide-awake now.
“Michelle’s in the hospital, she’s in a coma…” Jamie paused and started to cry.
I dropped the phone in utter disbelief. My memories with Michelle flashed before my eyes.


“Class, class pay attention please!” Mr. Amos motioned his hands to clam the Junior class down.
“As you know, today is a very special day. Not only is there a pop quiz,” the students gave a big sigh. Mr. Amos’s tests were all off the subject and had nothing to do with history. Then he continued, “but we also have a new student. She just transferred from Oakdale High School.” Oakdale is not only the best public high school in the county, but it has a reputation for having the smartest students in their school. Everyone in the class looked at her strangely as though to ask, “Why are you going to this school?” Mr. Amos then said, “This is Michelle, please welcome her to our US history class.” He paused and waited for the class to acknowledge what he said.

Then he pointed to the seat next to mine. “Michelle, please take a seat next to Jason, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you sitting there.”
“Mind? I wouldn’t mind at all” I didn’t realize that I had said what I did until my cheeks started to blush to red. The class broke into a roar of laughter.
She looked at me and smiled. Then she started to walk towards her desk.

She had blackish-brownish, shiny, long, hair. She had light brown eyes and wide caramel lips. She wore brown boots with laces strapped around
them. She wore a brownish skirt with a huge belt around her waist and white tank top with the letters “Angel” engraved in glitter. I swore she looked like Jennifer Lopez, but she was more natural looking. She sat down in her seat and turned her head to me.
“Hi my name’s Michelle.” She sounded so happy to say her name. It just rolled off her lips. She then stretched out her hand to me. What kind of foreign greeting was this? Oh, a handshake.

“Uh, yeah, hi. My names Jason.” I was a little bit confused, but I reached out my hand and shook hers too.
“Do you like this class?” she started searching for something in her backpack. “Not really, Mr. Amos IS pretty boring when he teaches history,” I chuckled and said, “He talks about nonsense and how history is so important. Uh are you sure you got enough books there?” I pointed at the four fat books she had in her little backpack.
“Yeah, the first day of school here and they hand me all these books that I can hardly carry by myself.” She smiled back at me and started to pay attention to Mr. Amos speaking.
“I guess that’s Riverdale High for you.” I said with a shrug. Was I falling for this girl I hardly knew?

Class ended and lunch soon began. I was now in a crowded hallway, where everyone pushed and shoved to get to where they wanted to. I finally spotted my locker a mid the crowd. Then I felt a tap on shoulder.
“Hey Jason, its me Michelle, remember?” Oh how could I forget? “Um, I was wondering if you could help me with my locker.” She was pointing to locker 502, five rows down from mine. I felt a rush come over me.
“Uh, yeah sure.” I stuttered saying the word She then laughed at me and said, “You okay?” I nodded signaling I was. I opened my locker and dropped off some of my books.
“And you say I have a lot of books?” She pointed at my backpack in shock. “That’s a lot! Isn’t your back broken by now?” I started to laugh with her.
“No, its perfectly fine.” I then shut my locker and headed towards her locker.

“What seems to be the problem?” I asked her.
“Well I can’t seem to get my locker open.” She pointed at it and the coded number on a piece of paper she held in her hand. She took her fingers and typed in a six-digit code. “See, it says error.” She pointed again to her locker. I then laughed at her.
“You didn’t type in zero, I was watching you. These damn lockers” I then held out my hand to her. “Can I try?” She nodded and gave me the piece of paper she was holding.

“There you go, ta-da!” I waved my hand around like it was magic.
“Aww thank you Jason.” She then gave me a big hug. I was shocked when she did this. She only had known me for a few hours and now she’s giving me a hug. But of coarse I didn’t resist.
“I didn’t think thugs like you would help pretty girls like me.” She smiled
“Thug, me?” I was surprised when she labeled me.
“I’m just kidding! I just like the way you dress. It reminds me of what rappers would wear.” She walked away and waved a goodbye with a smile. Then she blew a kiss at me. I was confused but I stood there in the hall feeling love struck.
“Did I miss something?”


Tears rushed down my face as I drove to the hospital. It was a rainy Saturday morning, and I found the sky echoed my pain and was crying with me as the rain crashed rapidly down my window. I was so confused. Could it be true? Could Michelle truly be dead? Is this just a bad dream? I couldn’t think straight. My mind was going to different places. The sound of car horns passing by me made the drive eerie. I felt like I was in a movie where the main character drives in his or her car in the rain, while being madly insane at the world.

I reached the hospital and calmly parked my car in the hospitals garage. I turned off the engine and slowly exhaled a breath. I laid my head on the steering wheel and whispered to myself, “Lord, please help me go through this, I know I turned away from you once, but please, I need you more than ever.” I lifted my head up and got out of my car. I turned around and made sure my car was locked. Then I asked my self, “Michelle, remember when I got my car?” I started to walk to the main lobby.


“Jason, where are we going?” She asked impatiently, “I can’t see with this blindfold on around my eyes.” I took her hand as I led her to my garage. I took off the blindfold and said, “Look what I got. It’s a new Lexus 300. And guess who my first passenger will be?” She looked at me and she smiled.
“Jason, this car is so nice, your parents actually got you this? Black is a nice color for you. Your car now matches what you wear!” She walked around the car as she inspected it. “Wow Jason, you’re one lucky kid.” She looked at me with amazement.
”Come on Michelle, let’s drive to the beach.”
“You mean now? But it’s six-o’clock in the evening.” She looked puzzled.
“Perfect.” I said as I got in my car.

We were on the highway soon enough, headed off to the beach. Michelle never looked so happy. “You’re smiling too much? How come?” I asked
“Oh, well…” she looked outside the window, “you might find this strange to hear, but I’ve never been to the beach.
“Really?” I was shocked indeed, “Where did you say you were from again?” I laughed.
“No silly, it’s just that my parents never…” she looked at me, “they think there’s no point in going. They think its just unnecessary leisure.”
“Wow, your parent’s are weird Michelle.”
“I know, I know. You don’t have to tell me, but I guess they have their reasons right?” She smiled again.
“Well, I’m glad I’m the first one to take you to the beach. I promise you’ll have the best time.” I enthusiastically said.

We arrived at the beach. It only took a few minutes to get there. We got out of the car and I walked towards her. I placed my arm around her shoulder and we started to walk down the beach. The orange color on the sun was just perfect. It reflected on the waves that crashed on the beach. “Jason, it looks so wonderful.”
“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?” I held her closer to me. She smelled sweet strawberries. I spotted a wooden bench off to the side. I told her we could sit there and watch the sun set. She agreed. I sat down as I motioned for her to lay her head on my shoulder. She was wearing a white silk dress with pink flowers on it that made her look like an angel

“Jason? I know this will sound odd,” she paused to think, “but how long does it take you to spike your hair?” She laughed as she ended her sentence.
“Well, it only takes a few minutes. Why do you ask?”
“Nothing, it just looks perfect.” She smiled again. I felt so happy just having her next to me as we watched the sun set.
“Jason, do you love me?” she turned her head and looked me in the eyes.
“Of course I do, you know that. We’ve been going out for nine months now.”
“I know. But I just think I’ve found that special someone to spend my whole life with.” She then kissed me on my cheek. Then slowly kissed my lips. We spent a few hours their at the beach until it got dark. We then headed home. I dropped her off at her house. Before she got out of my car she said, “Thank you Jason, that was the best moment in my life so far. Thank you for making it so special. I love you.” She then kissed me on my lips and said, “See you tomorrow babe.”

I stood in front of Michelle’s room, motionless. As I saw the crowd of people around her bed, I began to feel a surge of tears ready to fall. “Jason…” I turned around and found Jamie, her best friend, trembling, with a trail of tears down her eyes. “Jason…I…” She fell into my arms as I supported her and held her while she cried. It was almost unbearable to see so much pain, and I almost felt myself ready to fall. We sat down in the waiting area, attempting to compose ourselves.

“What happened? How could something like this have happened? Where?” Jamie looked up and I turned around to find Michelle’s mother in the same state as we were. Her face was pale, with mascara running down her cheeks.
“She was driving to see you,” her mother said.
At that very moment, my heart dropped and I began to feel that gulp of tears again as she continued. “She wanted to give you this box…” She handed it to me, and I reluctantly took it. I couldn’t bare to open it, at least not yet. “Can I see her, please?” Her mother nodded and I began walking towards her room. The walk there seemed like a journey, as if I remembered everything that I ever knew about her; the way she walked, the way she wore her hair, the way she smiled whenever we were together. Then I saw her for the last time. She was cold, lifeless, tubes flowing everywhere.

I wanted to hold her; I wanted to wake her up and tell her everything I should have. I sat next to her. “Baby, what happened? Why did you want to see me? I wasn’t worth it. Baby why?” I decided to open the box she had wanted to give. I read the card, “Happy nine month Anniversary. I love you with all my heart and soul. You make me complete.” I stopped breathing. The only thing I felt were the cold tears down my cheeks and the wind blowing on the back of my neck. I knelt beside her and held her hand. I couldn’t say anything; there was nothing that I could say to make up for not being with her last night. So I knelt there, almost in prayer, and stayed beside her, praying to God once more, that he would give me one last chance to say “goodbye.”

November 11, 2009

iljb#69: I was a bad kid…

Saturday, April 05, 2003

…I got home and I had the biggest headache. I couldn’t stand it. My legs were also sore from Mondays work out. My mom then asked where he took me. I said, “Does it matter?” And walked out of the room. I could then hear her complain to my sister in tagalog how rude I was T__T. My family don’t know what happens in my life and could care less, so I don’t think they have the right to say shit. I then decided to take a nap at 7pm. I ended waking up at 9:30 or so. I was real pist at this point because my bio lab wasn’t done yet. Thank god it was gonna be Wednesday…I still had time to finish my lab at school. I took the rest of the night watching Bend it like Beckhem.” Oh man is that a great movie. I slept about 12:00am that day.

Wednesday was droopy and gray like Tuesday. In drawing class I finished my bio lab and Mr. Wada really could care less of what I did. At lunch, Kenneth helped me with my lab chart. I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to do it. Sigh…but I did the best that I could. The day ended with track. It was raining again and blah blah blah. It was an okay work out. When I got back to school, it rained a lot. I was waiting for my ride when they passed me. That meant, I had to walk all the way to the parking lot in the rain. I was real pist. I got in and dropped my backpack, my moms portable T.V then drops.

“Wacky, be careful!.”

I resonded with, “Its my fault?”

Then she goes saying something and says, “Bitch.”

At that point I was angry and crying my heart out. My mom didn’t say anything and she let it go. She kept offering me food, but I kept on saying no because I didn’t want the food that my sister bought anyways. Sigh…that was such a sad day…I hadn’t cried in a long time…man…I kept thinking…suck it up…suck it up.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Aww to make things worse. I’m not going to prom anymore. See. This girl Fara asked me to go with her a long time ago. And I was all hehe yay, bragging rights (as Joaquin said). And I was like excited. I even got a 45% discount on the Mens Wearhouse in the mail yesterday. I was so happy. Then Fara IM’s me and tells me some bad news. She says that her ex-boyfriend wants to go with her to prom and they kinda wanna get back together. And honestly I was all dude just go with who you want to go with, him obviously. And she was all noo but I wanna go with you cause I’d have more fun with you. And I’m all nahhh go with whats his face. haha. And so she asked me if I was hurt or pist at her. In a way I’m 30% butt hurt and pist. But its all good. At least I don’t have to pay right? But to make up for it she wants to take me to Sadies this Friday. I was all uh…I don’t think my mom would let me (in my head) and I said maybe. Then we hung up like that…

I tell my mom the whole story and I see her face change to excited, laughing at the story, getting worried, then pist. I was all what the hell? She says no you can’t go. I was all why not? She stood you up. I was all not really. And she goes what if you did get the tux…thats true, but I went…but I didn’t. And she was all no!!! Like it was her final answer. And I said, no, I got nothing to do on that day, I get out early, and I wanna go out. Shes all you act like you want it bad and your going to die. And I’m all actually I haven’t been outside this damn house because of your strick filipino rules thank you very much. And shes all well you don’t know what her boyfriend might do to you so no. I’m all her ex? What the hell? Anyways, its Sadies…No, its going to be in public. I’m all wtf…hello its school runed. And I’m all…uh there are parents who are going to be there. Shes all who…who? I’m all parents. Then she goes well I’m go by there tomorrow and ask. MY ASS YOU WILL!!! YOU say those things and never do. Most likely I might go. So yeah…fun? maybe…heartbroken…kinda…but its all good…I have my SMILEZ haha…yeah…he was pist at me tonight…stupid Joaquin…grrr…but we cool now I guess. hehe he can’t stay mad at me forever…I MEAN look at me haha. Eww…no seriously look…discusting. haha. Well…whatever happens happens.

Monday, April 21, 2003

Joaquin was tripping today. I was trying to say sorry for what I said last night. I was saying, “Dude I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say I’m embarassed to be your friend, dude hehe your my friend, it was a joke.” But he hung up and was being a brat all day today. So I had to hear his bitching ass say, “Oh you know what Joaquin did last night…hes embarassed to be my friend.” You asshole…I don’t even know why I was saying sorry after you kept on doing that. What do you want me to do? IT WAS A JOKE…and besides don’t live in the past. I aint trippin anymore…you said you were just playing around…eh whatever dude…But I guess thats cool to know, you actually care if I do count you as a friend.

(wtf was I doing with my life back then? ew I woulda slapped me LOL)